The Horrible Histories Big Prom Party BBC Proms

This is Mike Peabody for HHTV News.

I've reported from some of the worst war zones in history,

but today has to be one of THE most terrifying of my life.

Yes, I'm at the red carpet at the Royal Albert Hall

for the Horrible Histories Prom.

We've got Vikings, we've got plague victims,

we've got Cleopatra and Henry VIII, all under the same roof.

It's going to be absolute carnage.

And I think I can see... Yes, it's Charles II.

-Your Majesty, may we have a quick word?

-Ah, yes, of course.

How's it going? Where's the party at?

I think it's going to be more of a concert than a party.

Trust me, wherever I am, there's a party!

Ooh, there's Queen Victoria, she's a fox -

and single since the death of her husband.

Single, yes, but permanently in mourning.

Whatever you do, do not mention Albert.

(Very good, yes.)

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty, welcome to the Royal Albert Hall.

-Albert?!

-SHE SOBS

Albert!

Good one, Mike. I was in there.

Well, it looks like the show is about to start,

so I have to take my seat for what promises to be absolute chaos.

Oh, I can't believe I'm late!

It's very hard to get a taxi when you're a rat.

I'm going to have to do this old-school.

TOILET FLUSHES

WOMAN SCREAMS

You'd think she's never seen a rat come out of a toilet before!

HE LAUGHS Ooh!

Ooh, I can hear Also Sprach Zarathustra by Strauss.

The show must be starting.

Oh, the show must be starting!

MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians Woeful wars, ferocious fights

# Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host's a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to HHTV News. The headlines today...

Thousands gather at the Royal Albert Hall

for a special Horrible Histories Prom.

Henry VIII and Charles II arrive

for this unusual Royal Variety Performance,

in which a variety of royals will perform.

King Ethelred The Unready totally forgets what day the concert's on.

WAH-WAH-WAH!

Our lead story is the special concert

in which the Aurora Orchestra and their conducted Nick Collon

are ready to guide us through the best bits of the history of music.

But first, the origins of the orchestra

involve a tuneful tale full of twists and turns.

So here with a summary is Bob Hale, with the Orchestra Report. Bob.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you! Thank you so much!

No, no, no. Come on now, come on now. Enough, enough!

Thank you, sir, and thank you ladies and gentlemen.

Well, behind me, I am reliably informed, is an orchestra.

Yep, there they are. A big group of people all playing music together.

But where did they come from?

Some came from as far away as Guildford.

Hello, Simon! TOOT, TOOT!

But the concept of an orchestra comes form even further away.

In fact, it existed as far back as Ancient Greece -

home, unsurprisingly, of the Ancient Greeks,

who came up not only with the word "orchestra",

but with the first musical scales... HE PLAYS A SCALE

AND some instruments to play them on.

Things like the pan pipes...

Percussion...

And something called a lyre...

though it looks pretty trustworthy to me! BA-DOOM-CHING!

And just when we have something approaching an orchestra,

along come the Dark Ages,

the Church bans instruments and that's the end of that.

But not for long! LAUGHTER

In the Medieval Era, groups make a comeback,

this time with ridiculously-named instruments, such as the serpent...

the racket...

LAUGHTER

the crumhorn...

and the sackbut.

Ha-ha, you just blew down a sackbut!

LAUGHTER

And if you play them all together, they sound like this...

Absolutely awful.

Which is probably why modern orchestras don't use them.

But they do use this - written music.

Which, thanks to the invention of the printing press,

during the Renaissance, can now be shared around.

There you go.

Meaning we can all now "get down" to the same "banging tunes".

THE ORCHESTRA PLAYS

And as dance music's popularity grows, so does the orchestra,

as they add a trumpet.

Oh, there it is! And a tambourine.

TAMBOURINE PLAYS

And a big bag of woodwind.

PFFFFRT!

Sorry, part of that was me. Shouldn't have had the Bolognese...

In fact, by the time we enter the so-called Baroque period,

some orchestras have as many as 30 people in -

now including drums.

Don't do that!

Then as the Baroque period merges into the classical one,

having your own personal composer becomes the "in" thing.

All the best composers are hired by the kings and queens of Europe,

meaning if you don't want to work for the royals,

you're basically stuck between Baroque and a hard place! BA-DOOM-CHING!

Little joke there. Nice one, Bobsy.

And talking of little, along comes Mozart,

who starts writing music at just two years old,

proving he's a complete genius and a horrible show-off.

Then he grows up, writes 1,000 tunes, discovers the clarinet...

and then dies.

Killed by rival composer Salieri in a jealous rage.

DUN-DUN-DUN!

Or possibly not, no-one really knows.

But we do know that while Mozart made a big noise in the music world,

it wasn't as big a noise as Beethoven.

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN!

Who, partly because he's deaf,

makes the orchestra bigger and louder than before.

Which means, as we enter the Romantic period,

some orchestras have swollen to a whopping 100 pieces,

which is so big and unwieldy - no offence -

that they need someone to keep them all in time. So conductors appear -

hello - and in no time at all,

becomes bigger and more famous than the orchestra themselves.

TA-DA!

APPLAUSE

All right, mate.

With everything getting bigger, including somebody's ego,

the venues have to get bigger too.

So it's goodbye to royal palaces and hello to enormous new concert halls.

And in these huge halls, modern music goes absolutely crazy!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to go crazy.

As, for my big finale, I present my favourite modern musical masterpiece,

played with aplomb for you, and you only,

by the one, the only,

time-straddling, foot-pumping, heart-pumping, hit-making orchestra

Take it away, guys!

APPLAUSE

Ah-ah-ah, Bob!

Bob! Bob, Bob...

I can't hear anything.

Of course you can't.

This is John Cage's classic Four Minutes And 33 Seconds -

-four and a half minutes of absolute silence.

-And you enjoy that?

Wait, this is the best bit!

Aw, so good.

Thank you, boys, thank you for listening. And back to you, Sam!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, it seems that the orchestra as we know it,

began life in Medieval times,

-which is around the same time as Bob.

-I heard that!

And you were meant to.

-LAUGHTER

-Coming up next in HHTV News,

we go over to the Medieval era for.. Oh, no, wait...

I have some breaking news.

It seems I'm being told I'm not allowed to start yet,

because some Georgian kings want to be allowed to sing first.

So, I will hand you over now, live,

to Kings George, George, George and George,

for the story of The Four Georges.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# I took the throne of England

# Just cos I was Protestant

# German prince Whose English stank

# King George Number One

# I like to argue Now that's clear

# Especially with my father here

# Before I died of diarrhoea

# I fought with my son

# I broke records With my 60-year reign

# And I broke the scales With my giant frame

# Born to rule over you

-# King George #

-Four,

-Three,

-One

-and Two

# You had to do

# What we told you to

# Just because our blood was blue

# I was the hunk Girls adored me

# Ladies all swooned before me

# They would do anything for me

# Or I'd have their husbands killed

# Had a war with Prince Charles Bonnie

# Everyone said that I was f-f-funny

# I spent everyone's money

# Our subjects were not thrilled

# I was the sad one

# And I was the bad one

# I was the mad one

# And I was the fat one

# We were born to rule over you

-# Georges One,

-Three,

-Four

-and Two

# England's Kings Though we were German too

-#

-Him,

-then him,

-then me

-#

-Then you #

-We were born

-# Born to rule over you #

-All over you!

-#

-Gorged on fruit Then I died on the loo

# People hated us And we hated them too

# Born to rule over you

# Born to rule over you

-#

-Me, I was as batty as a bonkers kangaroo

-#

-Me, I would have been more at home in a zoo

# And now

# Our song is through

-#

-Yeah-eah-eah.

-#

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Can't believe I have to share a dressing room with my dad.

Must you leave your pants lying around?

They're yours. Look at the size of them!

-You're much bigger than me.

-Right, I am bigger than you.

Don't you forget it. That's why I have a solo and you don't.

-What time am I on, Pops?

-Oh, not for ages.

First, we have music to represent the Middle Ages,

Danse Macabre by Saint-Saens. It's all about death

and features skeletons being brought to life by a fiddler.

Well, this is a rare treat -

us having an actual conversation, rather than you just being mad.

It's being played by an orchestra of lemons and chickens.

HE IMPERSONATES A CHICKEN

And he's back.

MUSIC: "Danse Macabre" By Camille Saint-Saens

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

SHE SOBS

I thought this concert was supposed to cheer me up, Fortescue.

They're playing music about death. I miss Albert!

I think I need more comfort food.

-What happened to the popcorn, Ma'am?

-Oh, it's finished.

You should have bought me a large tub instead of this tiny one.

-It did take two of us to carry it, Ma'am.

-Hmm...

Right, what's next?

Oh, Richard III.

He only reigned from 1483 to 1485, that's two years.

-I

-reigned for 63.

He shouldn't even be able to call himself a king

if he only reigned for two years.

He should be called a... A kin. Or a ki.

As you say, Ma'am.

Let's see what "Ki" Richard has to say for himself.

You know, I've heard he's a nasty piece of work.

Honestly, some people just seem to have the wrong idea about me.

They all seem to think I'm this vicious, murdering hunchback.

-ON THE VERGE OF TEARS:

-It's about time I set them straight.

# I was sure that you'd love me

# To that hope I did cling

# Cos I'm Richard the Third

# And everybody loves a king Don't they?

# Thought I did a good job Why do you disagree?

# There's a lot of people spreading nasty rumours 'bout me

# Every word is a lie So I'm singing this song

# Cos the history books Have been telling it wrong!

# Never had a limp Always walked my full height

# Never had a hump And my arm was all right

# Never took the crown with illegal power

# Never killed my nephews The princes in the tower

# Tudor propaganda It's all absurd

# Time to tell the truth About King Richard the Third

OK?

# My brother Edward died

# His kids too young to rule

# So I took the throne

Excuse me.

# Why not? I'm nobody's fool

Hi, nice to meet you.

# Thomas Moore wrote a history Said I murdered Edward's boys

# Shakespeare says their death was an evil ploy

# But I say those two are historical vandals

# They've ruined my image I mean, what a scandal!

# Never bumped off those harmless young heirs

# Never buried them under the Tower Of London stairs

# Never poisoned my wife Bumped off my daddy

# This is me, sweet Richard Do I look like a baddie, love?

# Never was two-faced Sure you'll agree

# I was misunderstood King Richard Three

# Can you imagine it I'm the last Plantagenet

# Beaten by Henry in the Wars Of The Roses

# The Tudor dynasty didn't care that much for me

# Now I'm painted as a baddie That's why one supposes

# Never forget When you hear of my crimes

# Never drowned my brother in a massive vat of wine

# Never said "A horse, my kingdom for a horse"

# Who made that up? Why, William Shakespeare of course!

# Now my tale is told You won't hear a bad word

# About a special ruler King Richard the Third. #

I'm a nice guy.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yeah, so maybe that's more, like, "true"

and "factually accurate",

but my version of Richard III was far more entertaining.

I mean, I never let facts get in the way of a good story.

Still, I might hide here until he's gone.

What's next?

Oh, a bit from the ballet of Romeo And Juliet,

another one of mine -

with some music by Prokofiev -

but mainly me.

I think you'll find all the best bits of this concert are moi.

Oh, this is the bit where Romeo takes on Tybalt,

revenging the death of his best friend.

It's brilliant!

Quite brilliant.

Romeo And Juliet, by me.

And I'm missing it!

MUSIC: "Romeo Decides To Avenge Mercutio's Death" By Prokofiev

Watch out, Romeo!

Ah, it's no good. I can't look!

Cats may have nine lives, but us rats only have one.

It's the wrong way round, if you ask me.

Now, did you know, when Prokofiev first presented this music

to the Bolshoi Ballet Company in 1935,

they said it was undanceable.

Well, I beg to differ.

Ooh, fighting's over.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Your Majesty, may I present Mr Neil Short,

purveyor of theatrical snacks.

Ah!

-Your Majesty, may I say what an honour and a priv...

-Yes, yes.

I want popcorn, chocolates and a tub of raspberry ripple ice cream.

Ah. I'm afraid we're only selling historical snacks today, Ma'am,

what with it being the Horrible Histories Prom.

Oh, I don't like where this is headed. What have you got?

-I've got snacks from Ancient Greece.

-What did they eat?

-Roasted goat lungs.

-I don't think so.

-Ah.

I CAN do you a mini Tudor blancmange.

-That's more like it. Is it strawberry?

-No.

Chicken brain.

Oh! Disgusting!

Do you have anything that's in the slightest bit edible?

-I do have a jelly.

-Oh.

-Made from fish bladders.

-Revolting!

-Who made that, the cave men?

-No, that would be you Victorians, Ma'am.

Oh. Well, I'll take one of those, then.

Oh, and see if you can find me some Aztecs,

they're rolling in chocolate.

Little bit complicated buying it off them, though,

they use the chocolate as money.

-Very good, Ma'am.

-And I'll take one of the chicken brain blancmanges.

It's...for a friend.

If he comes back without chocolate, you chop his head off.

-I don't think you can do that any more, Ma'am.

-Oh...

I wish I was Queen in Henry VIII's time - he could do what he liked.

Oh, how does that song of his go?

Funny you should say that, Ma'am, he's on now.

Oh!

Oh, here we go. HENRY VIII LAUGHS

# Divorced, beheaded and died

# Divorced, beheaded, survived!

# I'm Henry the Eighth I had six sorry wives

# Some might say I ruined their lives

Ah, here we go. HE CHUCKLES

# Catherine Of Aragon was One

# She failed to give me a son

# I had to ask her for a divorce

# That broke her poor heart Of course

# Young Anne Boleyn, she was Two

# Had a daughter The best she could do

# I said she flirted with some other man

# And off for the chop went dear Anne

Ugh...

# Lovely Jane Seymour was Three

# The love of a lifetime for me

# She gave me a son Little Prince Ed

# Then poor old Jane went and dropped dead

Oh, dear.

# Divorced, beheaded and died

# Divorced, beheaded, survived!

# I'm Henry the Eighth I had six sorry wives

# Some might say I ruined their lives

OK, here we go.

# Anne of Cleves came at Four

# I fell for the portrait I saw

# Then laid eyes on her face And cried, "She's a horse!

# "I must have another divorce!"

# Catherine Howard was Five

# A child of nineteen, so alive

# She flirted with others No way to behave

# The axe sent young Cath to her grave

Ha-huh.

# Catherine Parr, she was last

# By then all my best days were past

# I lay on my deathbed, aged just 55

# Lucky Catherine the Last stayed alive

I mean, how unfair!

LAUGHTER

# Divorced, beheaded and died

# Divorced, beheaded, survived!

# I'm Henry the Eighth I had six sorry wives

# Some might say I ruined their lives. #

OBOE SOLO

How about that, then?

# Divorced, beheaded and died

# Divorced, beheaded, survived... #

Catchy song, that. Might have to do one about my father,

The King Charles song.

# Beheaded, died. #

Might be a bit short.

What's on now?

-ORCHESTRA PLAYS

-March To The Scaffold by Berlioz?

More executions? This party's getting a bit depressing!

I'll have to go in there and sort them all out.

HE CHUCKLES

Let's choose some victims then!

MUSIC: "March To The Scaffold" By Belioz

I can't watch!

Oh...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hold your horses, chaps.

It doesn't say anything in here about beheadings.

Bit of a downer - this is supposed to be family entertainment,

you don't want to see people being beheaded, do you, children?

CHILDREN: Yes!

Right, well, you're weird, some of you.

It happened to my dad and I don't think he liked it very much.

No, no, it won't do at all. Come on, let's cheer things up.

If you've been blindfolded by those nasty men,

free yourselves and let's party!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Who do you think you are?!

I'll tell you who I am.

# My name is My name is

# My name is Charles II

# I love the people and the people love me

# So much that they restored the English monarchy

# I'm part Scottish, French, Italian A little bit Dane

# But 100% party animal Champagne?

# Spaniels, I adore Named after me, too

# Like me, they were fun With a Natty hairdo

# Is today my birthday? I can't recall

# Lets have a party anyway Because I love a masked ball!

# All hail The King

# Of bling

# Let's sing

# Bells ring Ding-ding

# I'm the king Who brought back partying

# King Charles, my daddy

# Lost his throne when kings were banned

# They chopped off his head Then Olly Cromwell ruled the land

# Old Olly wasn't jolly He was glum and was proud

# He'd be miserable as sin Only sinning's not allowed

# When Olly died the people said "Charlie, me-hearty

# "Get rid of his dull laws Come back, we'd rather party!"

# This action's what they call the Monarchy Restoration

# Which naturally was followed by a huge celebration!

# The King, of Eng-land say "No sin to sing

# Or anything

# I'm the king who brought back partying

-# Great London Fire was a

-whopper

-# In my reign London city came a

-cropper

-# So this King did what was right and

-proper

-# Fought the fire Proved I'm more than a

-bopper

# I'm a fire-stopper!

# Married Catherine Braganza She was a love so true

# There would never be another Well, maybe one or two

# Lucy Walter, Nell Gwynn Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers

# You think that's bad But her name's not as silly as

# Hortense Manzini

# As King, I must admit I broke the wedding rules

# But who cares when I brought back the crown jewels?

# I reinstated Christmas, make-up Sport and even plays

# I was the Merry Monarch They were good old days

# When said And done

# King Charles Did run

# England For fun

# I was the King Loved by everyone

# My song is done. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Party anyone?

Calm down, son, it's not that bad!

I'm over here!

Oh, there you are.

I mean, it's so unfair.

Charles II's had a solo, Henry VIII's had a solo.

When's my solo?

Oooh, someone's in a bad mood, isn't he? Again!

Hopefully the next piece will calm him down.

Uh-oh! Handel's Royal Fireworks music?

-HE CHUCKLES

-Don't think that'll help.

MUSIC: "Music For The Royal Fireworks" by Handel

This Music for the Royal Fireworks

was written by Handel for King George II.

And when it was first performed

they had a massive fireworks display on a huge wooden stage,

which caught fire.

Ha ha ha!

And just in case that happens here,

I've brought a marshmallow along to toast.

Oh, it's dropped off somewhere.

Oh! Going to have to slip off for an early interval.

Check the bins for another one. 'Scuse I.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're at the end of the first half. Time for a short interval.

So far things seem to be going without a hitch,

probably because they're keeping the Vikings

locked up in their dressing room.

Me here for music.

No, no. No. We're already halfway through, you're late, man.

No. No, me not late man,

me early man.

-I see. No, no, no.

-I meant...

I know what you meant, man.

No, no, no!

Hello?

Hi, I'm a shouty man,

and I'm here to tell you about the fantastic Royal Albert Hall,

the Victorian concert hall sensation.

The amazing Royal Albert Hall is made from all natural ingredients,

including woe, heartbreak and tears, as it was built by

a grieving Queen Victoria in memory of her dead husband.

That's him.

He's dead.

SHE SOBS

There, there, Your Majesty. And that's not all.

As well as being a national memorial

it was perfectly designed for

all your concert, festival and concert needs. Right?

Wrong.

Unfortunately the giant dome ceiling

gave the whole place a terrible echo.

Echo. Echo. What he said.

So they had to fit

a load of giant mushroom-shaped thingies to the ceiling

to absorb the sound.

No, really. Look.

And what's more,

the Victorians would squeeze a whopping 9,000 people in here,

though any more than 6,000 is massively unsafe.

Ha ha ha!

So when Victorian Robert Newman

established his promenade concerts in 1895

where else would he hold them, but,

just down the road at the Queen's Hall.

Straight up Regent Street, on your right.

But the Queen's Hall was destroyed by a bomb in World War II

so now the Proms are held here,

at the fantastic Royal Albert Hall.

So come to the Royal Albert Hall,

your first choice for orchestral entertainment.

Or your second choice

if the other place gets bombed.

Come on, get out of the way.

This is the royal toilet and I am the King.

I'm King too.

And I'm a King.

-I'm a cupcake.

-Course you are, mate.

Henry VIII's in there with his personal bottom-wiper.

Calls him his groom of the stool.

Popular job in his day, apparently.

Not my sort of party, but each to their own.

Oh, but I'm busting!

Out of your breeches!

-You should eat less.

-Does anyone mind if I go to the front?

Wait your turn, young man.

Story of my life.

Oh, get on with it! They're starting again!

MUSIC: # Marche pour la ceremonie des Turcs by Jean-Baptiste Lully

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Coooeeee,

cooeee, it's me, Death!

He he he he!

Hey, look, it's only my favourite conductor!

Jean-Baptiste Lully.

Cooeee! Lully! I love you.

I do. I really do.

Thank you, I think.

I love the conducting you do with the big stick too. All this stuff.

# Da da da, da da da da

# Di, di-di di di. #

I love it. Love it.

So much classier than that other fellow with his little twig.

# Ni ni-ni ni ni ni ni. #

-Rubbish.

-Do you mind?

Ooh, sorry, maestro.

If looks could kill.

I'm already dead, mate. I'm already dead.

Keep up, keep up.

So, which of my musical pieces do you like the most?

The one you just heard, perhaps?

Marche pour la ceremonie des Turcs?

Or maybe you prefer my Air des Demons?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Listen, I'm not a big fan of your music, mate.

I mean, it's all right and all that,

but I am a big fan of your Stupid Death.

Come on organ grinder, that was your cue.

Come on, here we go!

Let's get the jingle, come on.

Move it, you lot. Come on. Oh!

Watch it!

Join in if you know the words.

One, two, three, four.

# Stupid death, stupid death

# They're funny cos they're true. #

# Stupid death, stupid death Hope next time it's not you. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, come on then, Monsieur Lully, fire away.

What's your story?

Well, I was the official composer

to non other than the French King, Louis XIV.

Between 1672 and 1686 I wrote no less than 20 operas so...

Ner, ner, ner, well done, top of the class. Swotty trousers!

But the Stupid Death, if you don't mind.

Well, in 1687 to celebrate Louis XIV's recent recovery

from a terrible illness I was conducting a Te Deum.

A tedium?

What's that?

A spectacularly boring piece of music?

No, no, no. It's Te Deum, it's Latin,

it means a hymn of praise.

I know, I know, I was being amusing.

Oh, sorry, you're French, you wouldn't understand.

I was beating time for the orchestra using my big staff

which I bang against the floor.

You may have noticed me doing it on the way in with the...?

Ah yes, maestro,

you see, they hadn't invented tiddly little batons like yours

in Lully's day, so they had to conduct using a proper big stick.

# De de de de. #

See? Much better, watch him, you'll learn from him!

Carry on.

So yes, I was beating time for the music like so.

Boom boom boom! You get the idea.

Yeah, yeah.

When I was a little careless,

and I missed the floor

and struck instead my own toe.

Argh! Not again!

Oooh, that sounds almost as painful as it is funny.

Yes, well the wound became infected, creating an abscess.

Ooh, I like where this is going!

And the abscess then developed gangrene...

Yes?

..and I died.

Ha ha!

Oh, hey!

You came to a STICKY end!

Ha ha ha!

Do you get it? Because of the... She gets it.

Ha ha!

Hey, maestro, don't let him near one of your little batons,

he'll probably have his eye out. Priceless!

Oh, come on then, Lully.

Let's get you backstage.

I want to take a look at this gangrenous toe.

He he! Exit music, please.

# Stupid Death, Stupid Death They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid Death, Stupid Death Hope next time it's not you. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, guten tag.

Guten tag.

I'm Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,

the greatest composer that has ever lived.

I played to your King George III of England

when I was just eight years old.

Can you imagine how cute?

Hello.

Excuse me, I'm talking, please.

Now where was I?

I'm Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,

the greatest composer that has every lived.

At the age of 11 I composed the opera Bastien und Bastienne.

Yes, what do you want?

Excuse me, what time does the concert start?

The concert's already started.

-We're over halfway through.

-What?

I said it's already started.

What?

WE'RE OVER HALFWAY THROUGH!

Why are you whispering?

Right, you stay there.

Excuse me, may I borrow this?

Thanks you so much.

IT'S ALREADY STARTED!

Now, where was I?

I'm Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,

the greatest composer that has ever lived.

It has already started?

Yes!

OK.

You need to relax.

You need to chill off, buddy, huh?

My name is Ludwig van Beethoven.

I am the greatest composer that ever lived.

Well this is awkward.

CLEARS THROAT

I'm Mozart.

I was greater than you.

I don't think so, Wolfie.

My Third Symphony revolutionised music.

My Ninth Symphony was the first to involve singers und orchestra.

And you might recognise my most famous piece of music,

my Fifth Symphony, it goes something like this.

# Va va va va... #

You recognise that?

So you stick that in your Schnitzel.

Oh yeah?

Well I composed over 600 pieces of music.

Operas, duets, trios, quartets, quintets, concertos, and symphonies

and all before I was 36.

So you beat that.

Girlfriend.

I composed half my music when I was deaf.

Shall we call it a draw?

Okey doke.

Come on, let's find you a hairbrush.

-I was so the greatest.

-What?

Nothing, nothing.

It was me. It was me!

It's true.

Brilliant Beethoven got deafer as he got older.

In fact, after the first performance of his Ninth Symphony

Beethoven didn't know the audience was applauding

until someone turned him round to face them.

I thought I was going deaf once. Down in the sewer.

It turned out I just had poo in my ears.

Ha ha!

Marvellous Mozart was pretty brilliant too,

and this piece is one of his most famous.

It's the overture to the opera, Marriage of Figaro.

MUSIC: # Overture to Marriage of Figaro by Mozart

I've had just about enough of this,

I've waited for all the other kings to sing, waited for the toilet,

I don't care if it's my turn or not, I am going on.

Oh look, you're up next.

I don't care what you say, you can't hold me back any longer,

I'm going on now.

That's what I said, isn't it?

They say I'm mad! Wait for me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's enough!

CHEERING CONTINUES

It's time for my solo.

# I'm George the IV the Regent King

# Which means I was just standing in

# Acting King because my dad

# George III had gone barking mad

Bananas!

# Great palaces I did design

# Buckingham was one of mine

# Art and fashion I so rated

And wives

# That's more complicated

# Actresses and duchesses

# The great loves of my life

# I loved more girls than I ate pies

# But I couldn't stand my wife

-# He couldn't stand his wife

-Just go away!

# I only married Queen Caroline

# When my debts began to climb

# Cos if I agreed to tie the knot

# I said I'd pay off the lot

-Didn't I?

-Yes.

# But the wedding caused all sorts of strife

# Cos I already had a wife

A divorced Catholic!

# Dad did sigh, but the mad old goat

# Just wouldn't die

Still here!

Oh, spoke too soon!

At last, I go solo, all right!

# As true king my reign began

# Though I was now older than your nan

# And as the ruler of our nation

I banned my wife from my coronation

# And knowing now that I did hate her

# She promptly died just three weeks later

# But all those pies that I got through

# Meant ten years later I died too! #

Hello! Have we met?

I'm a kangaroo!

# Actresses, duchesses

# The great loves of my life

# I loved more girls than I ate pies

# But I couldn't stand my wife

# I had just ten years on the throne

# Do you remember that?

# No, all that you remember is...

# I was really fat

# He was really fat. #

Sorry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No wonder George IV's so miserable.

Born too late for me to write a play about him.

Ha ha ha!

Let's see what's next.

Oh, another one of mine.

Mendelssohn's Wedding March.

Wrote it as music for my play, A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Basically mine.

Sort of his, but mainly mine.

Yeah, they've used it for weddings ever since.

I mean, who doesn't like to hear The Wedding March, eh?

Oh, Albert!

Her.

Philistine!

SHE SOBS

Shhh!

MUSIC: # The Wedding March by Mendelssohn

This is Mike Peabody, HHTV News, with a breaking story.

Queen Victoria has locked herself inside the royal toilet

and is refusing to come out to sing her song.

It's devastating news.

It could spell disaster for the whole Horrible Histories Prom.

No, no, it's fine, my man.

They've just asked another queen to do it. Cheers.

Well, you heard it here first.

Everything's fine, there is no story.

Another Mike Peabody exclusive.

# Ra ra Cleopatra

# Famous beauty comin' atcha

# Ra ra Patra-cleo

# Guys all go Gaga for me-o

# I am a leader and a lady and a Queen

# I'm Cleopatra such a Queen never been seen

# I am a Pharaoh yet they're-o meant to be guys

# But I don't care-o I just wear-o beard disguise

# My mum and dad were Pharaohs I thought my rule's due

# But both my older sisters thought that they should rule too

# Oh dear they both died I wonder who that will leave

# Little me-o? Pharaoh Cleo? OK, no time to grieve

# Think that's alarming you'd be right but it gets worse

# Married my half-brother and we ruled the universe

# That bad romance led to an overcrowded throne

# But then he died, boo hoo so now I rule alone

# Wah wah wah, woh who

# All hail Lady Cleo

# Wah wah wah, la la

# Coolest Pharaoh by far

# Fashion topped my list of vices

# Bathed in ass' milk and spices

# Then I dressed like Goddess Isis

# Long black hair in ringlets nicest

# Vipers too, for men entices

# Finest linen robe top prices

# Married another brother He's an OK geezer

# But never told of my love for with Julius Caesar

# Had Caesar's child and hoped that he'd be crowned king

# My bro said no, I said oh

# And I murdered him

# Cos I am Cleopatra, Egypt's royalty

# The ruling Pharaoh don't you dare-o mess with me

# My poker face smiles only when I see

# A man who takes my fancy like, ooh Marc Antony

# Wah wah wah, woh who

# Another Roman leader

# Wah wah wah, la la

# No Egyptian crowd pleaser

# Ra ra Cleopatra

# Finally I'd met my match-a

# Ra ra Patra-cleo

# Ends in death for him and me-o

# My life was a drama

# I was one kooky mamma

# Wah wah wah, you know

# Today I'd be a favourite of the Paparazzo. #

No pictures! No pictures!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good song.

Not as good as my play about Cleopatra.

Antony and Cleopatra.

But good song, catchy.

Oh, that's the last of my bits.

I imagine everyone will be going home now.

Oh, oh!

My, what command of language you have!

You should write!

Oh, I see, your lot are up next.

I see what they've done there.

Yes, because Stone Age man

was around at the same time as the Ancient Egyptians.

They were a bit more advanced than you, though, weren't they?

I mean, they were building vast pyramids and palaces

when you were working on Stonehenge.

What are you, anyway?

Neolithic or Palaeolithic?

I always get confused.

Talk too much!

# I'm sure you've heard

# The Stone Age occurred

# For two and a half million years

# But there's more of stone Age

# To engage

# Than maybe at first appears

Hit it!

# Dinosaurs, Neanderthals Let's make this clearer

# Didn't live together Came from different eras

# That's not all I can tell you

# So much more to be known

# About the many phases in the Ages of Stone

# Shoo be doo be doo wop It's all the rage

# To skiddely bop do wah Brush up on your Stone Age

# Oh yeah

# All right

# It's fine to define an era Palaeolithic

# But you have to be a little more specific

# Do you mean Lower?

# When ancient beings first used tools?

# Or Middle Palaeolithic

# When Neanderthal rules?

# That's when Homo sapien starts to emerge

# But just in Africa It's long before their global surge

# Not til Upper Palaeolithic

# 40,000 years ago

# Did Neanderthal and Homo sapien say hello

# Neanderthals and Homosapie

# Living in caveman harmony

# Language was invented Cave painting, art

# Then Palaeolithic ended which meant the start

# Of phase two be doo be doo wop Turn a new page

Skiddely bop do wah Mug up on the Stone Age

# Oh yeah

# All right

# This is where it starts to get all scientific

# Palaeolithics followed by the era of Mesolithic

# Then Neanderthals are wiped out by the Ice Age - horrific!

# After which the Neolithic Age which was terrific

# Man learned to farm Built homes so that they could settle

# Then some other folks turned up and they discovered metal

# Beaker Men from Europe found bronze and outgrown

# The simple and traditional ways of stone

# Bronze age was invented by now men was flying

# Cos hot on its heels came the Age of Iron

# Celts, Druids

# Religion, then Rome

# By now a distant memory those Ages of Stone

# Shoo be doo be doo wop

# Since that metallic stage

# Skiddely bop do wah There was no more Stone Age

# Shoo be doo be doo wop Now you know what is known

# About the many phases Of the Ages of Stone

# Yeah! #

All right!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I interrupt this Prom to bring you breaking news

that Vikings have invaded the Royal Albert Hall.

Did someone say an invasion?

Ooh, I love a good invasion!

No, no, no, no. This is not good.

The Vikings are invading, they're nearly here.

Oh, I can't wait!

For your own safety, ladies and gentlemen,

please keep your heads down to avoid any flying axes.

Oh, don't be such a spoilsport. Hey, maestro,

play them something they can invade by.

How about Wagner's The Ride of the Valkyries?

MUSIC: # The Ride of the Valkyries by Wagner

I love Vikings, I do.

We've got a lot in common.

Furry face, eat anything, always wash once a week.

Although I wash in the sewer.

But I'm not such a big fan of their axes and swords.

Oh, here they come!

Gangway!

Do enjoy the rest of the Prom.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's do this thing.

# Was the summer of 793

# When we sailed across the great North Sea

# Comets crossed the skies that night

# You must have known something wasn't right

# We arrived upon your English shore

# And you offered friendship but we wanted more

# Yeah so much more, whoa whoa

# We're tearing up this place tonight

# Literally!

# We're gonna set this sleepy town alight

# Literally!

# We'll kill and steal and burn and drink

# Cos us Viking don't care what you think

# Whoa whoa

# Let me in now, won't you, please?

# We're here to raid your monasteries

# We're primed and ready to attack

# And we love how monks just don't fight back

# You'll die or become a slave to me

# Though our slaves often get chucked in the sea!

BOTH: # If the boat's heavy! Yeah yeah!

# You're gonna lose your head my friend

# Literally!

# We're gonna get you in the end!

# Literally!

# Then I'll drink a toast from your skull

# Cos we're Vikings

# And that's how we roll. #

Play that axe, Ragnar!

# We're gonna paint the whole town red!

# Literally!

# With the blood of the dead

# Literally!

# We'll take everything that you own

# And get back on our ship...

# And go back home!

# We're going home

# Woh, woh, wooooh

# We're going home

# Woh, woh, wooooh

# We're going home. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, everyone.

I'm afraid, everyone, that is all we've got time for.

Thank you so much for listening.

It's been really, really horrible.

But in a good way.

And now it's time to say goodbye in true Horrible Histories style.

# Tall tales, Atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory Stories for you all

# From the Royal Albert Hall

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #

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