Episode 2 A Question of Sport: Super Saturday

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello, hello!

Look at this!

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Hello! Hello!

Hello! I'm Jason Manford and welcome to Super Saturday.

Tonight, I can guarantee

there is going to be more sweat on our contestants than Lee Evans

at a zumba class. We are going to be putting Matt and Phil

through the toughest challenges since phoning any company that uses

voice-recognition software if you've got a Northern accent.

LAUGHTER

"What cinema are you going to book for?"

"Bolton, please."

"Putting you through to Cineworld Beijing."

That's our life, man. That's our life.

Here is what we've got in store for them tonight.

Stunt driver Paul Swift gives the captains a driving lesson

they'll never forget. Our guests face the might of these

American football players. And we play the most extreme game

-of Name That Tune ever invented.

-Argh!

And, of course, one of our captains will face a daunting forfeit

at the end of the show. Not nice.

It's time to welcome our guests.

Joining Matt, it's champion swimmer Sharron Davies,

and stand-up star Seann Walsh!

Alongside Phil, it's Olympic sprinter Iwan Thomas,

and Casualty's Patrick Robinson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on over, guys! Have a sit down! Lovely. What an entrance.

What a spectacular entrance.

-Yeah.

-Last week, we had samba dancers,

brand-new Minis. They really blew the budget, week one.

"Can you just bring your own bikes?"

It wasn't even mine. I nicked it off an eight-year-old.

Your team looks... A particularly healthy team this week.

Fit and raring to go. Look at these - proper athletes.

I let the side down.

-Patrick, you play a sport I've not come across before.

-Street hockey.

-It's ice hockey on roller skates.

-Is it on a road where there's cars?

-No! It's...

-That's got to be a...

-It used to be.

That's a hell of a tackle. "Beep!"

It sounds like normal hockey, but you talk like that -

"I'm going to mess you up!"

"I'll stick this puck in the back of your net, right?!"

And you won seven gold medals in your career. That is impressive.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Are you still active?

-I still keep relatively fit, yeah.

I train a few days a week and just try and keep off

-the pies, you know?

-I'm glad you went that way.

You get some sportsmen who retire and then get a bit of a belly.

I don't want to get to that state yet. No names.

And Tuffers, you looking forward to this tonight?

I couldn't wish for a better team.

-Could not wish for a better side.

-You lost last week.

-I did.

-Got to step up. Step up.

-And then you got sumoed.

-He didn't have underwear on under that nappy.

-And Matt, you have got... well, certainly...

-What a team.

What a team. A range of talent. We've got athletics, got beauty...

-and...

-Seann Walsh.

Are you a sporty chap?

-Yeah. Oh, yeah.

-Lots of energy?

-I've run out of energy now.

Already, in my life. When I was 19, I'd finish work at TK Maxx,

go drinking at the pub, finish at the pub,

go to a nightclub, the nightclub ends, carry on drinking, get to

a 24-hour off-licence, end up in a car park, meet some strangers,

go back to theirs, drink... into the day, wake up the next day

with a little bit of a headache and a bit tired.

I now feel the exact same after pasta.

LAUGHTER

I love a pasta sleep. "Oh, I could just have a little kip."

But you have got somebody who is one of our absolute sporting heroes,

Sharron Davies, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I was a keen swimmer myself, as a kid. I was really good at swimming

in my pyjamas, to get that plastic brick. When is that getting in

the Olympics? I will nail that!

-And you were a Gladiator.

-Oh, yeah.

-Still as competitive as ever?

-Yes! Come on!

-Am I?

-Yes, you are today.

-I am today.

-Let's hope so.

-Absolutely.

-He's 1-0 up so far. Confident, Phil?

-Yes!

Let's hear it for our team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It looks like everyone's ready to play our first game.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

For as long as there's been football,

there's been football scarves. On our Wonderwall tonight,

we have loads of them. In fact, 50 clubs are represented,

ranging from my team, the champions, Manchester City,

all the way down the table, to poor old Manchester United.

Teams must pick one player

to answer the questions, and each answer is a scarf on the wall.

Get it right and you can keep the scarf.

The player wearing the most scarves at the end of the game

wins the points. And what do points make?

ALL: Prizes!

No, this is the BBC. That's a different show.

We haven't got the budget for that. Matt, who is playing for your team?

I've got this absolutely down to a T this game. Sharron.

OK, fine. And Phil, who are you going to go for, for this game?

-I'm going to choose...Patrick.

-OK.

-Patrick knows his stuff.

OK, let's get our teams into position.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, here we go, guys.

Question number one...

Find the scarf of a team that begin and end in the same letter,

but not counting FC. Off you go.

Liverpool!

-Oh, no!

-Yes! Go on!

Well done, well done!

-Liverpool! Yes, great work, Pat.

-I'm afraid you don't win that scarf.

-You were second place. Put that on the floor.

-Well done, Sharron!

Sharron beat you.

-It's a race!

-Rubbish!

OK, find the scarf of a team that are based in Wales.

Newport!

-Yes, good lad!

-Oh!

Well done! Loads for this one.

Find the scarf of a team that Peter Crouch has played for.

Spurs!

-Oh!

-That was a sending off.

-What have you gone for? Spurs?

Yes, that's the one.

Find the scarf of a team that has an X in their name.

-At the bottom!

-On the right! Stop, stop! Left a bit!

There! Red! Red! Red!

Oh! Ho-ho-ho!

You could have had Crewe Alexandra or Exeter City.

OK, find the scarf of a team

that has won the FA Cup seven or more times.

Top middle! Top middle! Top middle!

Oh!

Ooh!

Wow! I wouldn't fancy having a go at a Gladiator, Patrick.

Find the scarf of a team that has none of the letters in my name,

Jason Manford.

Erm...Millwall! Top right! Hull! No, down one, down one.

Go, go! Grab Hull! The orange one.

ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

You two were going, "Millwall, Millwall!"

That's not in Manford(!)

LAUGHTER

Right, let's count your scarves. How many have you got, Sharron?

One...two, three.

Two! Patrick, how many have you got?

17.

You've got three, Sharron's got two, which means Patrick is our winner!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What, you think you were robbed?

-Well, he's meant to be a gentleman.

-Barging her out the way.

-You really went for that shoulder barge.

I just went straight up, really.

My God, that looks like a sale at Sports Direct.

LAUGHTER

Normally in a bargain, I'm quite good, but not here. That was it.

But it didn't affect the result.

Phil's team still 1-0 up going into the second game. Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next game is based around the two words that strike terror

into any 17-year-old learner driver -

parallel parking.

Ooh! Are you decent at driving?

We've seen a bit of driving, but are you guys good at driving?

-You failed your test, Iwan?

-First time - passed first time.

-Passed first time?

-Bit fluky, I think.

Seann?

What? No, I get the Tube.

We don't have the Tube up here in Manchester.

We've got a bus every third Wednesday. That's what we get.

We dream of the Tube! We dream of the Tube!

I failed my driving test six times. Six times.

-Why?

-Why? Cos, er,

I wasn't very good.

I remember... I do remember one, though, where I got to a junction

and I got to the junction and I went, "All right your side?"

You can't do that in your test! You can't do that in your test.

This week, we sent the captains to East Anglia to brush up

on their parking skills, and your instructor for the day

was stunt driver extraordinaire Paul Swift.

Over to you, Helen Skelton.

For today's sporting challenge,

we have got the driving equivalent of a penalty shoot-out.

One of the world's leading precision drivers - Paul Swift -

is going to put the boys through their paces. Paul, nicely parked.

Are you confident you can get the boys mastering one of these?

-Yeah, absolutely, yeah, no problem.

-OK.

Show us what they're going to do.

TYRES SCREECH

Our two captains will get a masterclass in the handbrake park,

then they have to park this car in between a decreasing sporting distance.

Whoever scores the most perfect parks wins the game.

Matt Dawson, welcome to the Super Saturday circuit.

You look quite comfortable there. Are you enjoying the car so far?

-I thought you said focused. I look focused.

-Right.

I'm up to beat him. I'm feeling confident.

But are you confident you can park this?

Well, I've had a few prangs in my time and it's usually parking -

like in the supermarkets or something - so we'll have to wait and see.

There is just a tiny, tiny part of me

that thinks that Phil has got this skill in his locker.

-I'm in good hands.

-You are, very good hands.

There are things to negotiate, but no shopping trolleys. Good luck.

-OK. Lovely. Ready to go.

-Go.

Oh, that's not... You done that! Who did that?

That's it.

-Foot brake again.

-I did! I touched the brake. Why did I do that?

HE CACKLES

Aim in, no brake, boom.

So you really want to win this, don't you?

Beautiful! You're in.

Look at that!

Go on, keep it going, keep it going. Go on.

Handbrake. Yeah! Get in!

Wahey! Good effort.

-That's spot-on!

-Yeah!

The first space that we were going to ask the guys to park in

would have been the equivalent distance

between two sets of stumps on a cricket pitch.

However, they're quite confident

and it was far too easy, so we've halved it.

The space they're aiming for is 11 yards, just over 10 metres.

Turning.

Handbrake. Lovely.

Stop it, Dickie! Come on! Howzat!

He's happy.

He should be.

Come on, Grandad, pick up the speed!

PHIL ROARS

Oh, that's quite good! That's really good.

Yeah! Look at his little face! Bless him.

The next parking space our captains are aiming for

is the equivalent distance of Greg Rutherford's

Olympic-title-winning jump, 8.31 metres.

Come on, Matt. Come on.

-Aargh!

-Oh, no!

That is a loss to the nation.

And I'm a big fan of Greg Rutherford.

Greg, I'm so sorry.

I've just run over Greg Rutherford!

It's all right - we've got another one. He's at the start of his jump there.

You're getting there. Go on, go on. Handbrake. Full brake. Nice one!

-Not a bad attempt.

-Oh, that's good.

Look at his face. He's looking to me. That is in. You're right, that is in.

Next up, Phil and Matt are aiming for a gap of 7.32 metres,

which is eight yards and the same distance as a football goal.

I'm nervous!

Oh, good.

-Come on!

-Relief all round, I think.

Go on, go on, go on, go on. Handbrake.

Yeah! Oh!

It's, er...

-No, I mean, he didn't hit them, but I'm...

-That was perfect!

No, because you're on the wrong side of it

and if you were on the right side of it, you would've burst the ball.

APPLAUSE

BOOING

No, come on, now. What, you're claiming that one?

Well, that's perfect!

You'd have taken about three pedestrians out there, man!

I'd have been in Oxfam's window then, wouldn't I? Pwah!

Then again, you did kill Greg Rutherford, didn't you?

-I know.

-How does that feel?

-There was just that...

I mean, I knew from about two seconds away

that I was going to murder Greg Rutherford.

I mean, he was gone, split in half. It was messy, there was blood everywhere. It was horrible.

OK, well, it's 2-2.

Let's see who won the last attempt

and was crowned Extreme Parallel Parking champion.

Let's get back to Helen.

Here we have Sir Chris Hoy, Jason Kenny and Phil Hindes.

Now, collectively from the back wheel to the front wheel,

they measure 5.41 metres,

so the guys have to park in front of them.

Turning. Handbrake.

Lovely.

Ooh!

-Oh, I think his bum's out.

-That has got to be in.

I've got to be in there, surely.

Referee's say is final, and I believe that's me. It's a "uh-er"!

Get your hand on the handbrake.

That's it. Faster, faster. No brakes!

-No brakes! That's it. Beautiful.

-Oh! Get in.

-I'm in.

-I'll be the judge of that.

-I'm in there.

Matt Dawson's never going to speak to me again, but I think you're in.

You're in here, aren't you? Let me come from the middle.

-He's in, isn't he?

-Oh, that's perfect. That's a point to me.

-Yeah, you are. I'll give you that.

-Get in there!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Sit down!

-That was...

-That was contentious!

-That is a disgrace!

Just slipped it in perfect there. Beautiful.

-Backhander to Helen going on there.

-There you go.

I think I am her favourite.

They both looked identical to me.

Well, the decision is up to Helen, and she gave it...

-to me.

-How do you feel about that, Matt?

-I've got to be honest.

-Yeah?

I'm not happy about that. I feel cheated.

I feel let down. And if I carry on talking,

I could get a little bit emotional about the whole thing.

You know, I...I kind of agree.

And I'm going to overrule Helen.

-No way!

-SHARRON GASPS

You have no authority here.

And I'm going to give you a point each for that one, OK?

Because I think that's only fair, cos they both were terrible. So...

So that makes the score 2-1 to Phil's team.

JASON CHUCKLES

Our next game is American football,

a sport which is all about the glitz, the glamour,

agility and talent.

I've no idea how to play it, but it seems very, very popular.

Here to give us a helping hand is the Great Britain women's American football team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

For this game, one member of each team must try

and make it past the five defenders and get into the end zone.

As they travel to the end zone,

they must solve sporting anagrams on the floor.

That sounds hard enough, but making it even tougher for the teams

is that each anagram has an American footballer defending it.

You must solve the anagram before you can make it on to the next defender.

The team that solves the most anagrams wins the game.

Are you feeling confident, Seann?

3-42, 3-42! Ho! Ho!

Iwan has made the biggest schoolboy error in history.

The ladies were backstage.

I told Iwan what was going to happen and what did you say?

I said, "Oh, great, it's girls," meaning...

meaning it's not against massive boys.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIM I know, I know.

OK, well, luckily for you, Matt's team's going to go first,

as you're trailing. Seann, go and get yourself ready.

-Come on, Seann!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you well?

LAUGHTER

Nice day and stuff.

We're all friends here.

Seann, you've got to shout out all the letters

on the floor before you and your team-mates can solve the anagram.

Best of luck, my friend, it's been lovely knowing you.

-Thank you. Right.

-Away you go.

HE EXCLAIMS

Get in there, son!

G! L!

U, E... Glue!

ALL: G-LU-E.

What sport is it?

-Luge!

-Luge, well done!

Well done!

Next one, Seann!

APPLAUSE

S, L... SLOWB. Like, S-L-O-W-B.

S-L-O-W-B.

What do you think?

Bowls.

Bowls, well done!

Bowls!

Go on, Seann!

Well done, you're out of here!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Chill out, we'll go for a herbal tea or something.

Come on, Seann!

Y-O-C-H-E-K.

Y-O-C-HE-K.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

Hockey!

Come on!

S-U-S-H-Q-A.

Squash!

Well done!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Last one, you can do it!

Go on, Seann!

N-A... N-A-L...

NAL?

N-A-L-J-I-V-E.

N-A-L-J-I-V-E?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

Javelin!

APPLAUSE

Come on in!

Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Seann, how was that?

Easy!

LAUGHTER

You actually have a proper sweat on.

HE LAUGHS

The most I'm used to sport is

when you have to kick the ball back to someone else,

playing football.

JASON LAUGHS

Well done! Let's have a round of applause for Seann!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Girls, how are you feeling?

-BOTH: Great!

How are you feeling about tackling Iwan?

BOTH: Fired up!

Fired up.

How are you feeling?

Is it wrong I actually want them to hurt me?

LAUGHTER

Go get yourself ready, Iwan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, ladies!

OK, Iwan, make sure you read out

all the letters of the words

before you and your team can guess the anagram.

Get yourself to the end zone, we'll see you in a week.

LAUGHTER

Go!

D-O-J-U.

Judo, judo!

Rugby, rugby!

You've got to read the letters out!

G-R-UB... Rugby!

Rugby.

Whoa!

IGO...

You get back and I'll tackle.

PHIL LAUGHS

AUDIENCE CHEERS

I-G-R...

O-W-N.

Rowing!

-Rowing, correct.

-I'm enjoying it.

One more minute!

N-E-N...

I-T-S.

-N-E-N-I-T-S.

-Tennis.

Tennis! Well done!

Last one, last one!

Come on!

O-N-R... Snooker.

-O-K-S-N-O-R-E.

-Snooker.

Nearly there! Good luck.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE ROARS

JASON LAUGHS

Oh!

-Can I do it again?

-No, you can't do it again.

So, you both got

all five anagrams correct.

It took you a varied amount of time.

But I'm afraid, Iwan, you dropped the ball

before you headed into the end zone,

so the point goes to Matt's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You are glass to me, I will smash you!

You are glass to me, I will smash you!

You are glass to me,

I will smash you!

-Sorry.

-No, you did really well.

If you fancy trying your hand at American football -

rather you than me - log on to...

..for loads of ideas about activities in your area.

A big thank you to the Great Britain women's American football team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You all right, pal?

-I've learnt a lesson tonight.

You have, haven't you? You won't be making that mistake again.

Never attempt to take on six girls at once.

Do you regret what you said now?

I wish I could wind the clock back and say, "Brilliant! Nice challenge."

Instead of saying, "Great, it's against girls."

They're tough girls and I've found out some play in the men's league.

They're used to taking down...

Why don't we have a look at you in your finest moment?!

This is girls defending girls.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You won the point for your team.

You must be very proud, Matt. How do you feel

you looked to the rest of us?

I felt manly. Big, big time.

I was looking at the end and there was a point I thought

I might not be able to do this,

then Rocky passed my eyesight

and Mr Miyagi going, "You can do it. Wax on, wax off."

I went and I achieved.

This is what it looked like to us.

LAUGHTER

Was that the wax on or the wax off?

The most embarrassing thing for me on that

is that's the first time I've ever seen myself run

and that was awful.

That's what I look like when I chase a bus.

"Wait!"

LAUGHTER

OK. It's so hard

to come up with original games for this show.

I have come up with a totally new original game.

It's called Name That Tune.

I realise it's already a game,

but we've Super Saturdayed it up.

We've enlisted the help of pop stars Elyan Fox

and Amelia Lilley.

This is what they normally sound like...

# I could go from London to LA

# I can look million times a day

# The way our feelings never gonna change

# Never gonna change... #

# You bring joy, you bring sadness

# So you bring the love So forget all the madness

# I'm done with all the pain I'm done with all the happenings

# So you bring me joy Yeah, you bring me sadness... #

But what we thought we'd do

is give their singing a twist.

And a turn and a loop-the-loop.

We sent them to Alton Towers and asked them to perform some well-known

sporting songs and anthems

on a roller coaster with the most loop-the-loops in the world.

There will be questions on the songs after this.

Oh, my God!

Ah!

Ready!

Ready!

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

SHE SCREAMS

# I'm coming out... #

SHE SCREAMS

# Na, na, na... #

# Just a man and his will to survive... #

# La-la-la-la-la... #

SHE SCREECHES

Just chilling on the roller coaster.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, my God!

I hope you're all finding this funny!

# Fortune's always hiding

# I've looked everywhere... #

# Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da

# La-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la

# Duh-duh-duh-duh Da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da-da... #

# I looked over Jordan What did I see?

# Coming for to carry me home... #

# We got the world in motion

# And I know what we can do... # Ha-ha!

SHE SCREAMS

# Let's hear it for England England... #

APPLAUSE

Wow. It's not been harder to name that tune since Jedward were on The X Factor.

They did very well. Well done, well done, guys.

So, here's some questions. Matt's team, you can go first.

-Do you think you managed to get the most?

-Couple. Couple.

-OK.

Oh, I thought it was the same song. LAUGHTER

-Were they different songs?

-They were different songs, yeah.

Oh, right. Well, no, good luck, guys.

Which two songs were sung that have an animal in the title?

-Tiger. Tiger. Eye Of The Tiger.

-Eye Of The Tiger. Correct.

HE SINGS FALSETTO: # The lion sleeps tonight... #

No, that wasn't there.

-Eye Of The Tiger and...

-And?

-The... The...

Lions on my shirt. # Three lions on my shirt... #

Three Lions, well done! There you go, you get the point.

-APPLAUSE

-OK. Phil's team.

Which Premier League team's pre-match anthem was Elyar singing?

-West... West Ham.

-Bubbles. West Ham. Forever Blowing Bubbles.

-Well done, well done!

-APPLAUSE

Matt's team, which BBC sports show theme was Amelia singing?

-Match Of The Day.

-No. It was... Was it?

I don't know.

-The one that went...da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da?

-Yeah, yeah.

On a roller coaster, it is probably quite hard.

It would be amazing if she did it perfectly.

MATCH OF THE DAY THEME: # Da-da da-da-da da-da Da-da da-da-da da! #

That was the one you had in your head?

-That was it!

-Yes.

-Go on, then.

-Is that the one you're going for?

-We're going for Match Of The Day.

It was Ski Sunday.

Oh! Ski Sunday!

I know! OK, if you get this question right, you win the game.

Which two Oscar-winning films' theme tunes were heard?

Right. Chariots Of Fire. PHIL SINGS THEME

-Yeah, Chariots Of Fire.

-Is that...?

-Yeah, and then...

-Erm... The rugby song. Is that from a film?

-Oh! Oh, erm...

-Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

-Is that out of a film?

-I don't know. Is it?

-Swing Low, Sweet Chariot?

-I don't know. Two films?

-Gladiator.

-Two films, yes.

-Oh! Hang on, hang on, hang on!

-Rocky, Eye Of The Tiger.

-Rocky! There you go!

We got there. Well done, you win the round. That makes the score

3-2 to Phil's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time for the final round and we are getting ever nearer to the final whistle.

The score currently stands at 3-2 to Phil, so it's all still to play for.

For this finale, our two team captains will try

and describe as many sporting names and phrases to their team-mates

as they can whilst running along the Super Saturday conveyor belt.

Whilst doing that, there will also be American footballs flying everywhere

as we welcome back the Great Britain women's team!

-APPLAUSE

-There they are.

OK, let's start the conveyor belt.

Matt, as you are trailing, you can go first.

-Every time.

-Every time!

OK. No.

-Snow, you do this.

-Skiing.

-Yeah, but in liquid.

-What?!

-In liquid.

Water-skiing. Water-skiing.

Yes, that's right.

This stroke.

-SHARRON:

-Backstroke.

-No, the other one.

-Butterfly.

Butterfly, butterfly, that's the one.

Oh! A footballer, French footballer in the final, head-butted somebody.

-Zidane!

-Yes!

-Zidane, that's right.

The ball's up in the air, I get a tennis racket and I...

-SHARRON:

-Smash.

-Yes.

Ooh! Oh!

He's gone! What did you say? Smash? Yes.

In golf, I get it in the cup.

-SHARRON:

-Hole in one.

-Hole in one, yes.

I've got... I've got little bits of paper

so I can go to the match for the duration...

-Season ticket.

-Yes!

-Season ticket.

-They play at Loftus Road.

-QPR.

-Yes.

-Yes! Yes.

-Oh!

-Mo Farah!

-Mo Farah, yes!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, well done!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's hard work, innit? APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

I couldn't stop laughing!

Well, you still did very well, you got eight.

-Oh, I tell you...!

-That was impressive, yeah.

OK, that takes your score to ten, which means, Phil,

-you need eight to win.

-Yeah. Yes, come on.

-Can it be done?

-Confident.

-Come on, son.

-Come on, let's have it.

Just don't touch the face, girls. Anything but the face.

-Not the money-maker.

-No.

-Not the money-maker.

-OK, go and get yourself ready.

-Come on, son! APPLAUSE

Swap places. Iwan, Patrick.

-Let's start the conveyor belt.

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

-Let's start now!

-Oh! They go like that. They...

-Pole vault! Pole vault?

-No.

On the... They did it at Horse Guards.

Aquari... Badminton?

-No. Move on.

-Triathlon.

-Move on, move on.

No, no. Keep going.

Oh! Matt Dawson! No!

APPLAUSE

No! That was...

LAUGHTER

Come on! Come on! Come on, Phil!

Come on, come on! Go, go, go! There you go, there you go!

-What the hell is...?

-Right, give us...

Beach volleyball.

Oh!

How long have we got? WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, up you get. You all right, mate?

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Oh! Phil Tufnell!

-Well done.

-Did we get any?

It got me right on the bonce.

I'll tell you who got you on the bonce, shall I?

Have a little watch of this.

-MATT:

-Nothing untoward here at all.

A professional rugby player...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

-You got...

-Nothing.

-..zero.

Nothing, nothing.

It pains me to say, after seeing your horrible tactics,

but Matt's team wins.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time for...

Well, it's usually my favourite part of the show, the forfeit.

The loser's forfeit. But it just seems harsh, but...

-Harsh.

-Ah, well. I'll get over it!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I feel for you, man. Phil, you're looking good.

Yeah, I look like a firework.

LAUGHTER

-Look like a rocket.

-Let me introduce you to Zara.

Zara is a 13-time martial arts world champion, everybody.

APPLAUSE

And this is what she's capable of.

SHE KIHAPS

-What are you doing?

-Move, move.

SHE KIHAPS

Oh, my God!

She really hates wood. Hates it.

LAUGHTER

All you've got to do, Phil, is read the autocue and tell us what's on next week's show

while Zara performs another one of her little party tricks.

-OK.

-OK? You're going to stand with a ball on top of your head

as she kicks them off.

-OK.

-I would recommend standing very still. OK.

-OK.

-Right, Go!

On next week's...

Oh, my God! On next week's show,

we've got a shocking game of penalty kicks.

Ore's in Glasgow, teaching the locals...

-Have you washed your feet?

-I have.

And Matt and I hit hot water in an unlikely

contribution to surfing and cricket.

Jason, it's over to you. Oh! That's your line! Do I stop now?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, Zara!

And a huge thanks to all our guests,

Sharron Davies, Seann Walsh, Iwan Thomas and Patrick Robinson,

to the American footballers and, of course, our captains, Phil and Matt.

Hope you enjoyed it. See you next Saturday. Good night, God bless.