Episode 4 Sport Relief

I will run 27 marathons in 27 days. Goodbye, Doris.

Oh, what a gay day! Eight bananas. Eight bananas! I don't know how the

likes are still going, but they are. Right, you are a joke, get out. What

I like?! -- what am I like?! Excuse me! Watch out! Low blow can you

believe that? This one is made out to S relief, it could ease Simon

relief, that is an example of a game. Can you run a football team in

Sheffield, what is your availability? I can't manage

Wednesday! I am Ore Oduba, welcome to the Queen

Elizabeth Olympic Park London Aquatics Centre, whereas you could

see there is a clean-up operation taking place after Friday night's

epic Sport Relief extravaganza. We will now relive some of the best

bits from an extraordinary night. We have Luther, Little Britain, the

clash of some very mighty titans, Jack Whitehall had a proposition for

Gareth Bale and there was the return of the hilarious yet accident prone

Frank Spencer. Friday produced an incredible response, thank you so

much to everyone who donated and raised so much. It is hugely comic

usually appreciated. And there is still time to donate. -- it is

hugely, hugely appreciated. So, on with the show. This is Sport

Relief 2016, let the best bits commence.

TOM BAKER: Football is one of Britain's most popular pastimes.

In his office, sports agent Mickey Perm is trying

to strike a deal for one of his footballers.

I don't play football myself, because sadly, I don't have a foot.

I've got one for you. Kevin Keegan.

Ah, Crouchy, my favourite new client.

I'd get you back in the England team, didn't I?

Well, your numero uno agent has only gone and done it.

Really? Yep.

I can't wait to be back with the boys.

Hold on. It's not exactly with the boys.

It's with the ladies. The ladies?

I've got you a place with the Lionesses.

I've got someone who can help you with that.

My name is Emily Howard, and I am a lady.

She is going to teach you how to behave like a lady.

I must say, I was rather surprised when I heard

In my mind, ladies should play ladies' games, like cribbage

Crouchy, do you want to play for England again or not?

TOM JONES: # Well, she's all you'd ever want

# She's the kind I'd like to flaunt And take to dinner

# Well, she always knows her place She's got style, she's got grace

# Whoa-oh-oh She's a lady

# But she's never in the way Always something nice to say

# I can leave her on her own Knowing she's OK alone

# Whoa-oh-oh She's a lady

# She knows what I'm about She can take what I dish out

# But she knows me through and through

# And she knows just what to do and how to please me... #

Are you sure that they'll believe that I'm a lady?

What do you think you're playing at?

I think you might have rather given the game away.

You can give me the outfit back later.

My name is Edson Arantes do Nascimento, or as I am

known around the world, Pele.

With the Fifa election coming up, I am here to make an announcement.

I will not be running for the position of Fifa president.

Because there is a better man for the job.

A man who understands football like no-one else.

A man who lives and breathes the beautiful game.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my choice to be the next

Or as he's known around the world, Smithy.

Since 1888, association football has held its head up high

But now, in 2016, it seems to have lost its way.

The good name of football has been dragged through the mud.

The game I love, tarnished with allegations, and it

And what makes it worse - even the players are letting

Players taking dives, looking for cheap penalties.

But worst of all, players insisting on ripping their tops

I'm determined to change all of that.

So today, I, Smithy, announce my campaign to become

As I was saying, I want to bring football back to its former glory,

and I want to share with you my plan for how we get it all back on track.

Firstly, a lot's been said about grassroots football,

Grass is rubbish, innit, Geoff?

Everyone knows Astroturf is the superior surface.

I'm talking 3G, rubber crumb, sand field.

No more cancelled games because of waterlogged pitches,

guaranteed crazy, uncontrollable bounces -

who's not going to want to watch that, right,

Now, I would like to go on record and say that the rumours

of my being a stakeholder in Chinese Alan's Astroturf company

The Lawn Of The Dead are completely unfounded.

My shares have been sold to Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins,

a woman whom I am not in a relationship with.

The next motion I propose is a ban on teams bringing out

Right now, Man Utd have more costume changes than Beyonce,

Under my regime, all teams must stick with the same strip

Couldn't have said it better myself, boss.

Another part of my plan is to bring back teams recording FA Cup songs.

I'm talking Crystal Palace giving it Glad All Over,

the Anfield Rap, Man Utd's Move, Move, Move.

Yes, a terrible song, a disgrace to music,

but it connected us as fans with the players.

Under my regime, every football league club must record a song

and a video full of banter every single season.

You know me, Smithy, I'm the king of banter.

All I want to do is bring football back to where it belongs.

In the hearts and minds of true fans.

And it's these fans who are being priced out of the game.

I heard a story the other day where a ticket to watch

No-one should pay a penny to watch Tottenham, but that's how

This is football we're talking about.

But we, the fans, are the only constant.

Owners will change, managers will change,

We are ones who remain through thick and thin.

As Fifa president, I will make sure we are listened to.

But don't just take my word for it - listen to my friend,

my confidante, my campaign manager, Mr Jose Mourinho.

Three of the most inspirational leaders of our time.

But I don't think any of them could save football like Neil Smith.

Please vote Smithy for president, and make him

Look, I want to go back to a simpler time.

Bobby Moore swapping shirts with Pele.

Gazza and Vinnie messing about on the pitch.

Becks pinging in that free kick against Greece.

Sir Geoff Hurst winning us the World Cup in '66.

These are the times that I can take us back to.

It's a bustling community, home to thousands of people.

But when the Ebola epidemic hit, this once-vibrant

With people living so close to one another, in already overcrowded

homes, the deadly virus spread quickly.

People were scared, suspicious and afraid of treatment centres.

As ever, in all of this, the ones who suffer most are children.

I see why something like Ebola would hit a place like this.

12-year-old Mohammed and his little brother Mousa

As the only two surviving members of their entire family,

they saw relative after relative being taken off to a treatment

Why did you not want to go to the treatment centre?

With so many family members having died from the virus,

others in the community were suspicious that the boys may

Having contracted and yet survived Ebola, the boys are back at home

and are being supported by their mum's best friend.

She does what she can, but there's no money.

After everything they've been through, now they've even

Mohammed and Mousa still live in the same building

They just want to go to school and learn and better themselves

They can't do it. They haven't got that option.

There's no option there. No school.

They're talking about being lawyers and stuff, you know.

They've got brains to use and they want to nourish that brain

and they want to do something with themselves, and they can't.

Every child on this planet deserves or should go to school.

It's about giving them an opportunity to just live,

to just live, live a life and have enjoyable, magical moments,

You can make a huge difference to someone's life, and there is still

time to donate. Tonight we have two teams and one of

them is going to be crowned Clash of the Titans champions 2016. What is

the secret? You just have to pedal fast, don't you?

COMMENTATOR: We have a fault, Hugh Dennis is down. It's the sprint for

the line. -- we have a fault. Freddie Flintoff is a two-time

winner. Next up, synchronised swimming. For

Team Redgrave, Will Young! I am the Merman of the synchronised swimming

world. Judge number three, eight points, a clean sweep!

Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Kane! I'm going to control the water. I

wouldn't be surprised if I grew fins and webbing during the performance.

It's ten! This is an interesting one, it

requires athleticism, sporting prowess. Great travelling skills,

and look at the control with the ball. A real expressive performance

here. Loads of expression. And a bit of skill as well. Great work with

the hoop. How ambitious is that? Look at the tears me that was an

emotional performance. Very emotional, and I thought it

transmitted to the judges. I will be honest, I put my heart and soul,

everything, into that. It is ten! We are about to see two prime cuts

of human man go head-to-head. The big man from Bolton in blue. The

masterful man from McFly there, Strictly Come Dancing footwork. He's

got the point! The small man wins against a bigger man. I have a bad

knee, tendinitis in both elbows and the lung capacity of a 57-year-old,

I did all right! Team Flintoff have a one-point lead going into the

final event. This is so short, you don't hold back, it is all about

speed. Team Flintoff leading. Five metres to go, Freddie Flintoff is

going to win the 2016 games! A fantastic race, so close in the end.

Sport Relief 2016 Clash of the Titans champions, Team Flintoff!

MUSIC: Paradise Circus by Massive Attack

Well, look, I'll... Hold on. No, hold on, I've got a call.

Yeah, I know, I know, Cousin Adam's running in a 100m, yeah.

No, no, no, I'll be there in like a minute!

I promise, yeah. Like in a minute, all right?

I've got to go somewhere. I'll be there in a minute.

What do you mean, how long's a minute?

I am a detective. I'm trained to see that sort of stuff.

Feet cut off, possibly to prevent identification.

Every time I come home you do this. What's going on, John, bruv?

Well, technically, you're right, it has been murdered.

Not only that, its feathers have been pulled,

trussed up with an elastic band. Looks like

some kind of fetish killing. Exactly what I was thinking.

Where did you find it, fam? It was at a supermarket, all right?

Mate, it was in the free-range section. I just took it home.

you never remove the body from the scene of the crime

What are you doing? Everybody knows that!

Yeah. He, er...looks like between a bantamweight and a featherweight.

You know, good muscle tone, good core stability -

must have been doing his plank work, and knocked out in the 10th round.

No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Why are you telling Mummy? Don't tell Mummy nothing.

I've been backing you for the longest time, bruv.

You can't keep bringing murdered tings into the house!

Don't move it! He's moving it again! What's the matter with him?

On your head, mate. Do you want to start on this, yeah?

Look, you cut off the feet, it's got no feet.

How's it going to pass the ball round the midfield?

Would someone please COOK THE CHICKEN?!

What you going mad for, bruv? What's wrong with you?

Is this true? Did you bring the body of a homicide victim into my house?

Mummy, there's a misunderstanding here.

I was just thinking, put an onion up its bum and stick it in the oven!

Out, she's out of here, that's it. Done.

Sometimes it's hard to tell, you do that thing with your eyes.

What thing? Like you just smelled a fart.

Someone else killed it, I don't know who.

People kill chickens for other people, it's a business.

But that don't make it right, do it, John?

Your prints are all over it. Of course my prints are all over it!

Because I picked it up to see how big it was for all of us.

Mummy, what is the problem? It's just a chicken!

It might just be a chicken to you, bruv,

but it's someone's fam, someone's cuz, someone's bruv.

Look, I did not kill the chicken, it was dead when I bought it.

100m is on in a minute. Cousin Adam's running!

OK, OK, good. Oh, come on, Mum, he ain't never going to win.

Usain is in the line-up. Lewis, stop showing off

and put on some clothes! I ain't showing off!

Hey, who needs a tie when you've got abs like mine, mate?

driven by deep-seated feelings of jealousy

who just want to destroy both you and your reputation?

while still having time for the odd casual fling.

Alice, you're not being fair, all right?

WHISPERS: It's all right, it's all right.

Look, I've got to go. My cousin's running the 100m against Usain Bolt.

Look, John, bruv, we can work this out.

I mean, we got off on the wrong foot, that's all, cuz!

Yeah, I mean, murder, torture, evidence, guilt, justice -

As long as you still love your mother, eh?

COMMENTATOR: Only five British men have gone under ten seconds...

Well, the latest news on the Olympic 100m heats

is that Usain Bolt has mysteriously disappeared

You're no champion if you don't beat me.

All right. Let's get rid of the evidence.

MUSIC: Paradise Circus by Massive Attack

When I met Mike, I knew it was something very special. I was 17,

very shy. We used to spend a lot of time walking. We always held hands.

If he was sitting anywhere his hand would go around my shoulder. I was

in love with him and expected him to be with me forever.

My did work hard. I spent quite a bit of time on my own with the

children. He used to work up in town and he'd come down, I'd have his

dinner ready and then he'd go down to a local pub where he had a

part-time job. So, very hard for Mike and I to have any time

together, really. We had big plans when we were both

retired. It was our time. And we still had a lot of living to do.

I got the phone call to say you must come to the hospital. It was eight

o'clock in the morning, rush hour. By the time I got there, it was too

later. -- too late. Where did you go when your soul mate, partner, love

is gone? There is nowhere. Nowhere to go.

I wanted to finish it all, really, join Mike. I used to go shopping and

walk over a bridge. And look. But then I'd think of the car driver

that would hit me, and what I would have put them through. So that made

me walk back. That was the lowest, lowest point. I knew I needed to

talk to somebody. Just when she needed it most, Margaret Byrne and

The Bereavement Centre, a project supported by Sport Relief. --

Margaret found. It is a place she can go when she feels there is no

one else. I still get the pain of losing Mike, but it has brought

together people who have gone through exactly the same. The

Bereavement Centre have saved my life.

It is all too easy to think that just because someone is older,

though somehow be able to cope with the loss of a loved one more easily.

But, of course, that is just not true. Why should age make any

difference at all? In this country, around a million older people are

chronically lonely, one in four feel they have nobody to go to for help

or support. Tonight, you can help to change things, you can make a

difference. In the end, the German

bench get up and protest Gascoigne has had his second yellow

card of the competition, and here is a moment that almost

brings tears to his eyes. Question marks have been raised

over his temperament David Seaman has been beaten.

It's a goal! He's scored the free kick.

Ronaldinho has made 2-1, Brazil. The referee has gone to his pocket.

It's red! It was in the goal.

It surely crossed the line? It's on by Cavani,

there is no flag here. It's Luis Suarez!

Luis Suarez has thumped it in. So there you go, Luis Suarez

put the final nail in England's World Cup coffin in Brazil

in 2014, but will they fare any I can't take it any more.

Why can't we just win? In the 1984 Los Angeles Olympic

Games, I came away with a silver medal, and I came

home a national hero. Yeah, you're right, Kriss.

It is the taking part that counts. Fancy a drink?

Mine's a Tia Maria. Yo, barman, can we get

some drinks please? SPEAKING WITH SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:

Coming right up, bru. Well, I got sacked from my

last job, and it ain't Ugh, it's the football.

Why can't England win something? No, I mean something that people

actually care about. You want the England

footie team to be as successful as the England cricket

team - you've got to use foreigners. We use players from

literally anywhere. Geraint Jones, born

in Papua New Guinea. Shut up!

You're as English as fish and chips. As soon as I touched

down on English soil, it disappeared, just

like that, gone. Come to think of it,

Simon Jones, from That's how we're going

to win Euro 2016. IN SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: KP,

you are a genius, bru. Sort Kriss Akabusi out

with a massive Tia Maria. Economy, obviously,

as this is Sport Relief. G-Bale, G-Bizzle,

Baleo, the Old Baley. What do you want?

I want England to win the Euros. To do that, I'm going to enlist

the help of the best player So, can you introduce me

to Cristiano Ronaldo? I'm joking.

I want you to play for England. I'm sorry, but I've

got to go training. What I'm trying to tell

you is you can't waste all that talent playing for Wales

like Ryan Giggs did. You're playing with part-timers,

footballers who are working down Cobblers and milkmen.

You are Gareth Bale. Think how many more

goals you would score if you were being set up

by Sterling and the Roon-dog. Those puppies aren't

going to look so bad, are they? If you come and play

for England, you are It's the trademark of a 12-year-old

girl at a One Direction concert. You're also going to have

to sort out that hair. Look, mate, all I'm talking

about is a little switcheroo Why don't you get one

of Scotland's players. JACK SCOFFS.

Don't be ridiculous. You're worried about this

being illegal in some way, a tabloid finding out you don't

have any English blood. Fear not, G-spot,

I've got it covered. Meet your long, long,

long lost English nan, Not according to these

forged documents. Yes, she's an actress,

but nobody needs to know that other than you, me,

and Nanna Doris here. How many times have I got

to tell you, I will never, When you left Spurs,

you became a hero of mine. But I'm done with you, mate.

You're dead to me, Gareth Bale. Look, there's a very easy way

to get me to play for your team. Support Wales.

You can't do any worse than England. Support Wales?

Gareth, I am a proud Englishman. I've never heard anything more

preposterous in my life. Three lions on a shirt,

mate, that's me! Gareth?

I was only joking! VOICEOVER: Support Wales.

Support Wales. MUSIC: Holding Out For

A Hero by Bonnie Tyler. # Isn't there a white

knight upon a fiery steed? # I'm holding out for a hero til

the end of the night # And he's got to be

fresh from the fight Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndr

obwllllantysiliogogogoch. Please, Jack!

No. Sport has the power

to change the world. It has the power to unite people

in a way that little else does. Sport can create hope where once

there was only despair. For the last 14 years,

Sport Relief and you, the British public, have been

working together to change lives Half of your donations fund

projects here in the UK. The other half go to the poorest

countries in the world. In Kenya, we are supporting

a project that uses football to teach leadership

skills and teamwork. And it inspires children

to get an education. For young people with disabilities

in the UK, sport can unlock a whole It makes me feel confident

and I make new friends. Your money supports street

children across the world, giving them a safe place to sleep,

and, through sport, the chance In Bangladesh, drowning in floods

is a major cause of death in children, so Sport Relief

taught children to swim Here at home, a lot of older people

can face loneliness and depression. Sport Relief supported this project,

where sport makes them feel part Across the world, your donations

are inspiring people to get active I want to be the best

boxer in the world. That's not a bad reason

to support something, is it? This is your chance to be part

of something amazing. So please, help us to do even

more and be as generous You were supposed to be

here half an hour ago. You're going to miss our

daughter's big race. I have just got to pop

in and get Jessica some Oh, be quick.

Don't fluster me, Betty. You know how flustered I get

lately, what with me Men don't go through

the change, Frank. Well, how else would

you explain my recent You clearly have not

been driving very long, or you would have more

consideration for a man What are you doing on the roof

of a car, on a bicycle? Well, if they had a proper cycle

lane, I would not be up here! Do you know how much

this car is worth? Well, this one wasn't cheap.

It is in better condition, too. Are you serious?

Indeed I were. And might I suggest that

you take your driving a bit I'm guessing you do

not know what I do You may have a new car and fancy

yourself as king of the road, As my mother always said,

mirror, signal, manoeuvre. If you can't drive without a fuss,

then give up your car, My daughter is in one

of those races. That is where I am going now.

No, you can't ride that in here. Well, it wasn't easy.

You should get a ramp put in. But I'm sure he'll get

here one way or another. Would it be possible

to borrow your helmet? In the interests

of health and safety, Do you live locally?

Do you have a place of work? Have you just arrived

in our country? Oh, good.

Then you have not got far to go. I'm going through

the change, though. It's been nice chatting,

but I must dash. So, if you will just tell Ringo,

I won't be able to get there. First, I, David Walliams,

swam the channel. That is why it's a great

honour for me to unveil this

statue of myself. I don't know, I have

had a bit of trouble, All the signs are upside down.

I think I might be in France, Betty. Frank, the race

starts in one minute. They should have told me

which way round to go. The important thing

is, you realised. But I'm sure he did his best

to get here on time. We're nearing the end of this world

record attempt from Sir Bradley And it is truly

unbelievable from him. If he can keep this

up, the record is on. Just three laps away

from the record. Sir Bradley is going

to break it yet again! Dad's here.

What is he like? Somehow, despite the unscheduled

interruption, Sir Brad I will give you a bloody

hot flush - get off! COMMENTATOR: What is

happening here?! That is an absolute disaster

for Bradley Wiggins... Coach David Brailsford

has got to be fuming. I have never seen anything

like this before. Jessica, I'm so sorry

I missed your race. It's just a shame you

didn't hear everyone Although I always think,

if you haven't got anything nice to say, you shouldn't

say anything at all. Because I really need

to get to the hospital. All things considered, I think it's

been a really lovely day. Even when I done

a whoopsie on the carpet? Did you?

I don't remember that. Mind you, I'm going

through the change. That is it. We cannot thank you

enough for your incredible support and generosity that will provide a

real lifeline to people in need around the UK and across the world.

Sport Relief 2016, what can we say? You have been awesome. Thanks for

watching, we will see you soon. # You Raise Me Up to more than I can

be. The grand total now stands at a

staggering...