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I will run 27 marathons in 27 days. Goodbye, Doris.
Oh, what a gay day! Eight bananas. Eight bananas! I don't know how the
likes are still going, but they are. Right, you are a joke, get out. What
I like?! -- what am I like?! Excuse me! Watch out! Low blow can you
believe that? This one is made out to S relief, it could ease Simon
relief, that is an example of a game. Can you run a football team in
Sheffield, what is your availability? I can't manage
Wednesday! I am Ore Oduba, welcome to the Queen
Elizabeth Olympic Park London Aquatics Centre, whereas you could
see there is a clean-up operation taking place after Friday night's
epic Sport Relief extravaganza. We will now relive some of the best
bits from an extraordinary night. We have Luther, Little Britain, the
clash of some very mighty titans, Jack Whitehall had a proposition for
Gareth Bale and there was the return of the hilarious yet accident prone
Frank Spencer. Friday produced an incredible response, thank you so
much to everyone who donated and raised so much. It is hugely comic
usually appreciated. And there is still time to donate. -- it is
hugely, hugely appreciated. So, on with the show. This is Sport
Relief 2016, let the best bits commence.
TOM BAKER: Football is one of Britain's most popular pastimes.
In his office, sports agent Mickey Perm is trying
to strike a deal for one of his footballers.
I don't play football myself, because sadly, I don't have a foot.
I've got one for you. Kevin Keegan.
Ah, Crouchy, my favourite new client.
I'd get you back in the England team, didn't I?
Well, your numero uno agent has only gone and done it.
I can't wait to be back with the boys.
Hold on. It's not exactly with the boys.
It's with the ladies. The ladies?
I've got you a place with the Lionesses.
I've got someone who can help you with that.
My name is Emily Howard, and I am a lady.
She is going to teach you how to behave like a lady.
I must say, I was rather surprised when I heard
In my mind, ladies should play ladies' games, like cribbage
Crouchy, do you want to play for England again or not?
TOM JONES: # Well, she's all you'd ever want
# She's the kind I'd like to flaunt And take to dinner
# Well, she always knows her place She's got style, she's got grace
# Whoa-oh-oh She's a lady
# But she's never in the way Always something nice to say
# I can leave her on her own Knowing she's OK alone
# Whoa-oh-oh She's a lady
# She knows what I'm about She can take what I dish out
# But she knows me through and through
# And she knows just what to do and how to please me... #
Are you sure that they'll believe that I'm a lady?
What do you think you're playing at?
I think you might have rather given the game away.
You can give me the outfit back later.
My name is Edson Arantes do Nascimento, or as I am
known around the world, Pele.
With the Fifa election coming up, I am here to make an announcement.
I will not be running for the position of Fifa president.
Because there is a better man for the job.
A man who understands football like no-one else.
A man who lives and breathes the beautiful game.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my choice to be the next
Or as he's known around the world, Smithy.
Since 1888, association football has held its head up high
But now, in 2016, it seems to have lost its way.
The good name of football has been dragged through the mud.
The game I love, tarnished with allegations, and it
And what makes it worse - even the players are letting
Players taking dives, looking for cheap penalties.
But worst of all, players insisting on ripping their tops
I'm determined to change all of that.
So today, I, Smithy, announce my campaign to become
As I was saying, I want to bring football back to its former glory,
and I want to share with you my plan for how we get it all back on track.
Firstly, a lot's been said about grassroots football,
Grass is rubbish, innit, Geoff?
Everyone knows Astroturf is the superior surface.
I'm talking 3G, rubber crumb, sand field.
No more cancelled games because of waterlogged pitches,
guaranteed crazy, uncontrollable bounces -
who's not going to want to watch that, right,
Now, I would like to go on record and say that the rumours
of my being a stakeholder in Chinese Alan's Astroturf company
The Lawn Of The Dead are completely unfounded.
My shares have been sold to Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins,
a woman whom I am not in a relationship with.
The next motion I propose is a ban on teams bringing out
Right now, Man Utd have more costume changes than Beyonce,
Under my regime, all teams must stick with the same strip
Couldn't have said it better myself, boss.
Another part of my plan is to bring back teams recording FA Cup songs.
I'm talking Crystal Palace giving it Glad All Over,
the Anfield Rap, Man Utd's Move, Move, Move.
Yes, a terrible song, a disgrace to music,
but it connected us as fans with the players.
Under my regime, every football league club must record a song
and a video full of banter every single season.
You know me, Smithy, I'm the king of banter.
All I want to do is bring football back to where it belongs.
In the hearts and minds of true fans.
And it's these fans who are being priced out of the game.
I heard a story the other day where a ticket to watch
No-one should pay a penny to watch Tottenham, but that's how
This is football we're talking about.
But we, the fans, are the only constant.
Owners will change, managers will change,
We are ones who remain through thick and thin.
As Fifa president, I will make sure we are listened to.
But don't just take my word for it - listen to my friend,
my confidante, my campaign manager, Mr Jose Mourinho.
Three of the most inspirational leaders of our time.
But I don't think any of them could save football like Neil Smith.
Please vote Smithy for president, and make him
Look, I want to go back to a simpler time.
Bobby Moore swapping shirts with Pele.
Gazza and Vinnie messing about on the pitch.
Becks pinging in that free kick against Greece.
Sir Geoff Hurst winning us the World Cup in '66.
These are the times that I can take us back to.
It's a bustling community, home to thousands of people.
But when the Ebola epidemic hit, this once-vibrant
With people living so close to one another, in already overcrowded
homes, the deadly virus spread quickly.
People were scared, suspicious and afraid of treatment centres.
As ever, in all of this, the ones who suffer most are children.
I see why something like Ebola would hit a place like this.
12-year-old Mohammed and his little brother Mousa
As the only two surviving members of their entire family,
they saw relative after relative being taken off to a treatment
Why did you not want to go to the treatment centre?
With so many family members having died from the virus,
others in the community were suspicious that the boys may
Having contracted and yet survived Ebola, the boys are back at home
and are being supported by their mum's best friend.
She does what she can, but there's no money.
After everything they've been through, now they've even
Mohammed and Mousa still live in the same building
They just want to go to school and learn and better themselves
They can't do it. They haven't got that option.
There's no option there. No school.
They're talking about being lawyers and stuff, you know.
They've got brains to use and they want to nourish that brain
and they want to do something with themselves, and they can't.
Every child on this planet deserves or should go to school.
It's about giving them an opportunity to just live,
to just live, live a life and have enjoyable, magical moments,
You can make a huge difference to someone's life, and there is still
time to donate. Tonight we have two teams and one of
them is going to be crowned Clash of the Titans champions 2016. What is
the secret? You just have to pedal fast, don't you?
COMMENTATOR: We have a fault, Hugh Dennis is down. It's the sprint for
the line. -- we have a fault. Freddie Flintoff is a two-time
winner. Next up, synchronised swimming. For
Team Redgrave, Will Young! I am the Merman of the synchronised swimming
world. Judge number three, eight points, a clean sweep!
Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Kane! I'm going to control the water. I
wouldn't be surprised if I grew fins and webbing during the performance.
It's ten! This is an interesting one, it
requires athleticism, sporting prowess. Great travelling skills,
and look at the control with the ball. A real expressive performance
here. Loads of expression. And a bit of skill as well. Great work with
the hoop. How ambitious is that? Look at the tears me that was an
emotional performance. Very emotional, and I thought it
transmitted to the judges. I will be honest, I put my heart and soul,
everything, into that. It is ten! We are about to see two prime cuts
of human man go head-to-head. The big man from Bolton in blue. The
masterful man from McFly there, Strictly Come Dancing footwork. He's
got the point! The small man wins against a bigger man. I have a bad
knee, tendinitis in both elbows and the lung capacity of a 57-year-old,
I did all right! Team Flintoff have a one-point lead going into the
final event. This is so short, you don't hold back, it is all about
speed. Team Flintoff leading. Five metres to go, Freddie Flintoff is
going to win the 2016 games! A fantastic race, so close in the end.
Sport Relief 2016 Clash of the Titans champions, Team Flintoff!
MUSIC: Paradise Circus by Massive Attack
Well, look, I'll... Hold on. No, hold on, I've got a call.
Yeah, I know, I know, Cousin Adam's running in a 100m, yeah.
No, no, no, I'll be there in like a minute!
I promise, yeah. Like in a minute, all right?
I've got to go somewhere. I'll be there in a minute.
What do you mean, how long's a minute?
I am a detective. I'm trained to see that sort of stuff.
Feet cut off, possibly to prevent identification.
Every time I come home you do this. What's going on, John, bruv?
Well, technically, you're right, it has been murdered.
Not only that, its feathers have been pulled,
trussed up with an elastic band. Looks like
some kind of fetish killing. Exactly what I was thinking.
Where did you find it, fam? It was at a supermarket, all right?
Mate, it was in the free-range section. I just took it home.
you never remove the body from the scene of the crime
What are you doing? Everybody knows that!
Yeah. He, er...looks like between a bantamweight and a featherweight.
You know, good muscle tone, good core stability -
must have been doing his plank work, and knocked out in the 10th round.
No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Why are you telling Mummy? Don't tell Mummy nothing.
I've been backing you for the longest time, bruv.
You can't keep bringing murdered tings into the house!
Don't move it! He's moving it again! What's the matter with him?
On your head, mate. Do you want to start on this, yeah?
Look, you cut off the feet, it's got no feet.
How's it going to pass the ball round the midfield?
Would someone please COOK THE CHICKEN?!
What you going mad for, bruv? What's wrong with you?
Is this true? Did you bring the body of a homicide victim into my house?
Mummy, there's a misunderstanding here.
I was just thinking, put an onion up its bum and stick it in the oven!
Out, she's out of here, that's it. Done.
Sometimes it's hard to tell, you do that thing with your eyes.
What thing? Like you just smelled a fart.
Someone else killed it, I don't know who.
People kill chickens for other people, it's a business.
But that don't make it right, do it, John?
Your prints are all over it. Of course my prints are all over it!
Because I picked it up to see how big it was for all of us.
Mummy, what is the problem? It's just a chicken!
It might just be a chicken to you, bruv,
but it's someone's fam, someone's cuz, someone's bruv.
Look, I did not kill the chicken, it was dead when I bought it.
100m is on in a minute. Cousin Adam's running!
OK, OK, good. Oh, come on, Mum, he ain't never going to win.
Usain is in the line-up. Lewis, stop showing off
and put on some clothes! I ain't showing off!
Hey, who needs a tie when you've got abs like mine, mate?
driven by deep-seated feelings of jealousy
who just want to destroy both you and your reputation?
while still having time for the odd casual fling.
Alice, you're not being fair, all right?
WHISPERS: It's all right, it's all right.
Look, I've got to go. My cousin's running the 100m against Usain Bolt.
Look, John, bruv, we can work this out.
I mean, we got off on the wrong foot, that's all, cuz!
Yeah, I mean, murder, torture, evidence, guilt, justice -
As long as you still love your mother, eh?
COMMENTATOR: Only five British men have gone under ten seconds...
Well, the latest news on the Olympic 100m heats
is that Usain Bolt has mysteriously disappeared
You're no champion if you don't beat me.
All right. Let's get rid of the evidence.
MUSIC: Paradise Circus by Massive Attack
When I met Mike, I knew it was something very special. I was 17,
very shy. We used to spend a lot of time walking. We always held hands.
If he was sitting anywhere his hand would go around my shoulder. I was
in love with him and expected him to be with me forever.
My did work hard. I spent quite a bit of time on my own with the
children. He used to work up in town and he'd come down, I'd have his
dinner ready and then he'd go down to a local pub where he had a
part-time job. So, very hard for Mike and I to have any time
together, really. We had big plans when we were both
retired. It was our time. And we still had a lot of living to do.
I got the phone call to say you must come to the hospital. It was eight
o'clock in the morning, rush hour. By the time I got there, it was too
later. -- too late. Where did you go when your soul mate, partner, love
is gone? There is nowhere. Nowhere to go.
I wanted to finish it all, really, join Mike. I used to go shopping and
walk over a bridge. And look. But then I'd think of the car driver
that would hit me, and what I would have put them through. So that made
me walk back. That was the lowest, lowest point. I knew I needed to
talk to somebody. Just when she needed it most, Margaret Byrne and
The Bereavement Centre, a project supported by Sport Relief. --
Margaret found. It is a place she can go when she feels there is no
one else. I still get the pain of losing Mike, but it has brought
together people who have gone through exactly the same. The
Bereavement Centre have saved my life.
It is all too easy to think that just because someone is older,
though somehow be able to cope with the loss of a loved one more easily.
But, of course, that is just not true. Why should age make any
difference at all? In this country, around a million older people are
chronically lonely, one in four feel they have nobody to go to for help
or support. Tonight, you can help to change things, you can make a
difference. In the end, the German
bench get up and protest Gascoigne has had his second yellow
card of the competition, and here is a moment that almost
brings tears to his eyes. Question marks have been raised
over his temperament David Seaman has been beaten.
It's a goal! He's scored the free kick.
Ronaldinho has made 2-1, Brazil. The referee has gone to his pocket.
It's red! It was in the goal.
It surely crossed the line? It's on by Cavani,
there is no flag here. It's Luis Suarez!
Luis Suarez has thumped it in. So there you go, Luis Suarez
put the final nail in England's World Cup coffin in Brazil
in 2014, but will they fare any I can't take it any more.
Why can't we just win? In the 1984 Los Angeles Olympic
Games, I came away with a silver medal, and I came
home a national hero. Yeah, you're right, Kriss.
It is the taking part that counts. Fancy a drink?
Mine's a Tia Maria. Yo, barman, can we get
some drinks please? SPEAKING WITH SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:
Coming right up, bru. Well, I got sacked from my
last job, and it ain't Ugh, it's the football.
Why can't England win something? No, I mean something that people
actually care about. You want the England
footie team to be as successful as the England cricket
team - you've got to use foreigners. We use players from
literally anywhere. Geraint Jones, born
in Papua New Guinea. Shut up!
You're as English as fish and chips. As soon as I touched
down on English soil, it disappeared, just
like that, gone. Come to think of it,
Simon Jones, from That's how we're going
to win Euro 2016. IN SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: KP,
you are a genius, bru. Sort Kriss Akabusi out
with a massive Tia Maria. Economy, obviously,
as this is Sport Relief. G-Bale, G-Bizzle,
Baleo, the Old Baley. What do you want?
I want England to win the Euros. To do that, I'm going to enlist
the help of the best player So, can you introduce me
to Cristiano Ronaldo? I'm joking.
I want you to play for England. I'm sorry, but I've
got to go training. What I'm trying to tell
you is you can't waste all that talent playing for Wales
like Ryan Giggs did. You're playing with part-timers,
footballers who are working down Cobblers and milkmen.
You are Gareth Bale. Think how many more
goals you would score if you were being set up
by Sterling and the Roon-dog. Those puppies aren't
going to look so bad, are they? If you come and play
for England, you are It's the trademark of a 12-year-old
girl at a One Direction concert. You're also going to have
to sort out that hair. Look, mate, all I'm talking
about is a little switcheroo Why don't you get one
of Scotland's players. JACK SCOFFS.
Don't be ridiculous. You're worried about this
being illegal in some way, a tabloid finding out you don't
have any English blood. Fear not, G-spot,
I've got it covered. Meet your long, long,
long lost English nan, Not according to these
forged documents. Yes, she's an actress,
but nobody needs to know that other than you, me,
and Nanna Doris here. How many times have I got
to tell you, I will never, When you left Spurs,
you became a hero of mine. But I'm done with you, mate.
You're dead to me, Gareth Bale. Look, there's a very easy way
to get me to play for your team. Support Wales.
You can't do any worse than England. Support Wales?
Gareth, I am a proud Englishman. I've never heard anything more
preposterous in my life. Three lions on a shirt,
mate, that's me! Gareth?
I was only joking! VOICEOVER: Support Wales.
Support Wales. MUSIC: Holding Out For
A Hero by Bonnie Tyler. # Isn't there a white
knight upon a fiery steed? # I'm holding out for a hero til
the end of the night # And he's got to be
fresh from the fight Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndr
obwllllantysiliogogogoch. Please, Jack!
No. Sport has the power
to change the world. It has the power to unite people
in a way that little else does. Sport can create hope where once
there was only despair. For the last 14 years,
Sport Relief and you, the British public, have been
working together to change lives Half of your donations fund
projects here in the UK. The other half go to the poorest
countries in the world. In Kenya, we are supporting
a project that uses football to teach leadership
skills and teamwork. And it inspires children
to get an education. For young people with disabilities
in the UK, sport can unlock a whole It makes me feel confident
and I make new friends. Your money supports street
children across the world, giving them a safe place to sleep,
and, through sport, the chance In Bangladesh, drowning in floods
is a major cause of death in children, so Sport Relief
taught children to swim Here at home, a lot of older people
can face loneliness and depression. Sport Relief supported this project,
where sport makes them feel part Across the world, your donations
are inspiring people to get active I want to be the best
boxer in the world. That's not a bad reason
to support something, is it? This is your chance to be part
of something amazing. So please, help us to do even
more and be as generous You were supposed to be
here half an hour ago. You're going to miss our
daughter's big race. I have just got to pop
in and get Jessica some Oh, be quick.
Don't fluster me, Betty. You know how flustered I get
lately, what with me Men don't go through
the change, Frank. Well, how else would
you explain my recent You clearly have not
been driving very long, or you would have more
consideration for a man What are you doing on the roof
of a car, on a bicycle? Well, if they had a proper cycle
lane, I would not be up here! Do you know how much
this car is worth? Well, this one wasn't cheap.
It is in better condition, too. Are you serious?
Indeed I were. And might I suggest that
you take your driving a bit I'm guessing you do
not know what I do You may have a new car and fancy
yourself as king of the road, As my mother always said,
mirror, signal, manoeuvre. If you can't drive without a fuss,
then give up your car, My daughter is in one
of those races. That is where I am going now.
No, you can't ride that in here. Well, it wasn't easy.
You should get a ramp put in. But I'm sure he'll get
here one way or another. Would it be possible
to borrow your helmet? In the interests
of health and safety, Do you live locally?
Do you have a place of work? Have you just arrived
in our country? Oh, good.
Then you have not got far to go. I'm going through
the change, though. It's been nice chatting,
but I must dash. So, if you will just tell Ringo,
I won't be able to get there. First, I, David Walliams,
swam the channel. That is why it's a great
honour for me to unveil this
statue of myself. I don't know, I have
had a bit of trouble, All the signs are upside down.
I think I might be in France, Betty. Frank, the race
starts in one minute. They should have told me
which way round to go. The important thing
is, you realised. But I'm sure he did his best
to get here on time. We're nearing the end of this world
record attempt from Sir Bradley And it is truly
unbelievable from him. If he can keep this
up, the record is on. Just three laps away
from the record. Sir Bradley is going
to break it yet again! Dad's here.
What is he like? Somehow, despite the unscheduled
interruption, Sir Brad I will give you a bloody
hot flush - get off! COMMENTATOR: What is
happening here?! That is an absolute disaster
for Bradley Wiggins... Coach David Brailsford
has got to be fuming. I have never seen anything
like this before. Jessica, I'm so sorry
I missed your race. It's just a shame you
didn't hear everyone Although I always think,
if you haven't got anything nice to say, you shouldn't
say anything at all. Because I really need
to get to the hospital. All things considered, I think it's
been a really lovely day. Even when I done
a whoopsie on the carpet? Did you?
I don't remember that. Mind you, I'm going
through the change. That is it. We cannot thank you
enough for your incredible support and generosity that will provide a
real lifeline to people in need around the UK and across the world.
Sport Relief 2016, what can we say? You have been awesome. Thanks for
watching, we will see you soon. # You Raise Me Up to more than I can
be. The grand total now stands at a