Episode 1 Three Men Go to Ireland

Three Men In A Boat has been, up to now, a quintessentially English affair.

But this year, we're heading to my home turf, which is, of course, Ireland.

-Gentlemen, I promised you a boat. Will this do?

-It's good. I feel

-we're on the eve of an adventure.

-It's going to be incredible.

-You don't actually have a steering wheel or anything like that?

-Just a tiller.

That you've been leaning against.

That's why we keep going towards Belfast.

We are going to do something that's not normally done, go straight through

the middle of Ireland by canal and river into a country of noisy conviviality.

Top of the morning to you!

Fantastic characters.

A place of warm, welcoming hospitality, especially for the returning hero.

En route, of course, rowing in curraghs and sailing in hookers.

And it'll all be fine as long as Griff can get them all started.

Our aim is to end up eventually at the largest Irish Poetry Festival in Limerick.

And my hope is just, well, that the other two don't embarrass me.

Have you noticed there are no boats on the river? Have you noticed that?

That's because Irish people aren't stupid enough to take boating holidays in mid-October.

In the past, we have raced in Griff's yacht. And lost.

And we've motored in Rory's boat and nearly died.

Twice.

But today we are coming in to Ireland's largest port and, coincidentally,

my home town of Dublin.

I'm bringing you to Ireland.

It's not MY Ireland we're going to, we're doing a little boat trip.

But, nonetheless, I'm not putting you anywhere near anyone I value or hold dear to me

cos I think you're just going to make it bad.

A quick few instructions, then. How do you want us to behave, Dara? We don't want to let you down.

Just be yourselves but less so and be engaging and polite.

-Don't do the accent.

-Yeah, Griff, don't say "top of the morning".

-Don't do anything like that.

-Will we observe you getting more and more Irish?

You will notice my accent getting richer and thicker and more mellifluous the longer I'm here.

The Terry Wogan-type voice that I've been putting on for the last while,

I'm going to drop that off me like a heavy coat.

-# In Dublin's fair city... #

-He's off.

He's started. We're not even in...

We haven't arrived. We're not technically on land.

# ..I first set my eyes... #

Oh God, this is a bad idea.

Dara gets to park the boat.

Perhaps he has a resident's parking permit.

Is it Dara's birthday?

This is like that episode of Jim'll Fix It.

And...

There we go.

Well done, Dara O'Briain. Thank you very much.

-Look at that.

-I know. It's perfect, isn't it?

-Beautifully parked.

-Thank you very much.

From the port, it's a short hop to the centre of Dublin

to get to the Grand Canal, where we'll find our next boat.

-Welcome to Dublin.

-This is gorgeous.

What I have arranged is a barge with the not very romantic name 45M.

Built in the 1940s, it's the only original working barge left in Ireland.

This is the boat you've organised?

Yes. I thought we've had enough of pretty boats.

-This is very functional.

-Yeah, to be honest it looked different in the brochure.

When I say original, that's everything,

including the engine and the barge man Andy, who's here to help us get started.

This is my wife, Griff.

I'm his eldest. How's yourself?

This is a fine boat. Come on board.

The first task is actually to get her started.

No easy task, apparently, which is why we volunteer Griff.

-He's the sailor.

-You're the sailor.

I've been designated. I'm going to help you start now.

-Are you going to show me?

-Yes.

All right. I'll give you the pleasure of getting down there first.

OK. Good.

What sort of engine is this?

That's a Bolinder 15 horsepower engine.

-HISSING

-Now.

That's gone out. Jesus!

Yarr!

So when it's hot, turn the flywheel, that injects the fuel.

What ignites the fuel?

The heat.

The heat ignites it.

So when it goes in, it just goes poof, like that.

There's no reverse.

Oh, no reverse.

There's no braking mechanism in this engine at all.

Just what you see. Straightforward.

OK, so we're talking real, real simplicity here. OK.

-When we've opened up that governor, how fast is this canal boat going to go?

-Two miles an hour.

Two miles an hour.

Basically, however fast we go, we can still overtake this barge by walking on the towpath?

Oh, Lord, yes. They'll be all able to pass you, yeah.

'Now that it's blazing hot, in order to kick the engine into life,

'I need to swing the flywheel vigorously.

'And if it starts...

'..that's IF it starts, I need to jump out of the way before it takes my arm off.'

I'm not strong enough!

What's a tree in Irish?

-Crann.

-Crann.

-Crann.

-Crann.

-C-R-A-N-N. Crann.

-Crann.

-It's very easy. There are phrases, but you just want to learn random words?

-Well, yeah.

-It's like a child learning.

-That's how you learn language.

I can't do it.

-Ball?

-Liathroid.

-Liathroid.

-Liathroid.

-Liathroid.

-Liathroid.

-Liathroid.

Liathroids is a disease, isn't it? A glandular thing?

No, not the one I'm saying.

'Having utterly failed to start the thing, I've called in some muscle.'

This is like being at a fairground now, with various people, "We'll get the passers-by."

'Luckily, our barge enthusiast starts it first time.'

ENGINE CHUGS INTO LIFE

'Yeah, I loosened it up for him.'

-Oh, my God. Gives off enough smoke.

-Well, he's been doing that for what?

-15 minutes.

-15 minutes to achieve...

Some sort of critical mass.

A health hazard. Look at those poor people over there.

My God, that's a place to have a food fair, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-The poor woman at the falafel stand.

Smoked falafel.

At kerb-crawler pace, it seems appropriate to let boat basher Rory take the helm,

even if the barge does weigh 25 tonnes and has no reverse.

Lovely here. The wind blasting through my hair.

Hey, hey, people are overtaking us on foot.

The Grand Canal will take us across Ireland to the Shannon River.

From there we will head south down to Limerick.

This is a route that the barge will have done hundreds of times,

taking grain and turf into Dublin and Guinness back to Limerick.

The barges and locks were built for each other, so there are literally inches to spare.

So you wonder if it's wise that Rory is the one to take us into our first lock.

Dara!

You're a legend. You're an absolute legend.

Safely in, the sluice gates are opened

and the lock flooded to lift the boat to the next level of canal.

There's like a foot, if that, at the front, a foot at the back and six inches either side

and Rory - right in. Like a rat up a drain.

That's how well he did that. That's incredible.

Stopping is just a case of tying it off and then, by the miracle of rope,

25 tonnes of boat come grinding to a halt.

And we've travelled...

..300 metres.

They said that Guinness delivered by barge tasted better since it had time to mature.

Hopefully, it would have the same effect on us.

Cheers, thank you very much.

-Are they with us?

-Thank you very much. Thank you.

Very stately progress, isn't it?

Through the many locks of Dublin we were getting plenty of help.

Well, Griff was.

We have to make sure we shut these after we finish.

But tomorrow we be on our own and we needed the correct equipment.

Dara?

-Go and get us a couple of chairs.

-Yeah, all right.

Thank you.

Yeah...

Before Dara gets back, oi'll get me Oirish accent out of de way.

In a place loike Dublin, everyone talks in this beautiful accent, but it's infectious.

And you want to talk loike it all de time, y'know?

But we can't talk loike that when Dara is here, because he hates it.

He'd actually smash moy head in if he heard me talking like dis.

Yeah, I'll pick them up.

-Cheers.

-Dara, you're a 'far'.

Maith an fear. Maith an fear means good man.

-Maith an fear.

-Maith an fear.

-Maith an fear.

For the simple addition of two stools and a pint, this boat is 115% better.

I love what you've done to it, Dara. You've made it your own.

Maith an fear.

Nice, very good. You're taking to the Irish.

Bargemeister Andy has served on the canals all his working life...

until 1961, when commercial traffic on the canal switched to the road.

45M would have done more trips apart from the fact that she sank during a storm in 1948

and lay at the bottom of a lake until she was raised in the 1970s.

In a way, that's what saved her

because all the other Guinness barges were converted into houseboats around this time.

As we come to the end of our first day we've got one more lock to do, and not wanting to tempt fate -

and the drink-drive laws - Griff is at the helm.

Griff! Please, come on!

Oh, Griff!

-Thanks, Griff, well done, top work.

-Magic, magic.

There's something about the length and dimensions into the lock

that you do very well, comes naturally.

It was more that you bounced us off one wall and then smacked into the other on the way in.

You took both gates out.

We went like that.

Got ourselves in.

It's a magnificent boat, but the engine is so dangerous.

We're going to go and put up for the night, and Andy's going to go,

and then I sort of volunteered once again to be Mr Boat Man.

So, quite clearly, it's going to be down to me

to get this thing working again in the morning.

I just think it's impossible.

It's a horribly dangerous, temperamental beast.

Having taken an entire day to get us out of the city centre,

Dara is keen to take us straight back there

and show us the bright lights.

I think that means we're going to a pub.

It should take us about three minutes.

What's this? This is Dublin's new tram system?

It's called Luas. It's the Irish word for speed.

-For speed?

-Yes.

Very smart. Have you ever been on it?

So it's a bit of an experience for you!

Dublin's famous worldwide for its writers.

Shaw, Beckett, Wilde, in particular James Joyce,

whose masterpiece Ulysses is based in the city.

One place in the book is Dublin's oldest university, Trinity College.

I went to university in the other university up the road,

University College Dublin, but still, while Rory finds a pub I take Griff into Trinity

to show him the Dublin masterpiece that's the Long Room in the library.

The universities are roughly around about the same level academically.

Trinity is the most famous because it's, by some distance, the oldest and the most beautiful,

but there's not the same kudos or the same exclusivity or elitism in the Irish university system

that there is in the English university system.

So some really famous sort of Irish...

For example, we possibly over the course of discussion tonight,

and various chats we're doing and events we're going to, we'll hear Joyce mentioned.

Joyce went to my university, as did Flann O'Brien, he also went to UCD.

It's a much larger university. The National University of Ireland is much bigger,

but this wasn't my university.

I can't fault this for just the sheer beauty of the place.

Terry Wogan, where did he go?

I don't...it's not really... Terry's academic history isn't a major issue of debate.

-Is it not?

-No, I don't...

'The celebration of great writers is a national passion.

'We arrived in a boat named Swift, we've crossed bridges named after Beckett and Shaw.

'We think we've got the greatest writers.

'Shaw? Sure. But I'd argue that the English take the literary biscuit.

'Luckily, another famous tradition of Trinity is that a student here may carry a sword,

'so we're using an old-fashioned arbitration technique.

'That is, a duel at the fencing society.

'And first up, some instruction in basic techniques.'

Being a foot and a half higher than Griff may be a small advantage,

in as much as I can hold his head

with my non-sword arm, a fencing term,

and then just jab him repeatedly.

Better, well done.

Again, less like ballet, OK?

You're being too bouncy. Forward.

More aggressive.

Apparently I can't hit him in the groin.

Etiquette. Oh, can I?

-If you see the metal...

-Ooh, yeah.

-Covers the groin.

'A few minutes of hastily arranged tuition, and we're not ready.

'But the crowds want some action, so it's England versus Ireland, round one of many.'

Allez!

Touche!

'Yes, first point to Dara. He needs four more to win, though.'

Fence!

-What?

-Attack off target.

Off target? I got him in the nuts.

That's pretty phenomenally on target.

Shakespeare.

Joyce!

WB Yeats!

Wordsworth.

Virginia Woolf.

'That makes it four points all. The next one wins.'

-This is the final point, my friend.

-Oh, right.

How are you feeling?

-Exhausted.

-Exhausting, isn't it?

Dara, I'm sweating like a pig.

-We can buy more time here if you want.

-Can we?

-It looks like we're trash talking.

-OK!

-Here we go.

-OK.

-Are you ready, gentlemen?

-We're ready.

Fence.

A pleasure.

-Excellent.

-That was very good.

-That was good.

-It was great, yeah, it was fantastic.

-What?

-It was satisfying.

There was bits where I skewered you and I felt really happy inside.

I was too balletic, apparently.

Really? That's not a complaint they made about me.

At no stage did they say, "You were too balletic."

At no stage has anybody said that.

I thought you were very balletic. I was impressed by how balletic you were.

Thank you. There was one bit that will stay with me.

Just where you opened some of your flank, your groin,

and I went, "I'm in there."

Having worked up a thirst,

we found Rory in one of Dublin's other landmarks, Kehoe's Pub.

-Fencing. So that went OK, did it?

-It was good. Exhausting.

-How many whiskies have you had?

-My first.

'With only a cold barge to return to we were clearly here for the night.'

'Next morning, while we slept off the night before,

'it was Griff versus the engine, round two.

'And my money is on the engine.'

'It takes about 10 minutes for the engine to warm up, which is handy,

'because it's about the same amount of time for me.'

Oh, dear! Sorry.

HE LAUGHS

-How's it going, Griff? Have you started the engine yet?

-No.

It's just heating up.

Nothing about this trip inspires me with any confidence whatsoever.

A very old, rusty machine, a gas torch aimed at it,

I've got my hand on a fuel valve,

-and you're going to play with that wheel.

-OK.

This could be the last Three Men ever.

A-one, a-two,

a-one, two,

three, four...!

Huhhh! Huhhh! Huhhh! Huhhh!

-I can't get it going.

-I've had a great idea.

Let's ring the AA.

-All right, OK.

-I'll get on the blower.

-Yeah, fine.

Here we are, you see?

-How are you?

-We've got a bit of an engine problem.

Are you any good with engines?

Should push down now.

Push down!

Oh, it's ridiculous, isn't it?

-There's something in the back of the van that'll get that going.

-Brilliant.

-There's your man.

-Are we pleased to see you, Andy!

'Andy's experienced hand once again got us going.

'But we knew we couldn't rely on him all the way to Limerick.

'Apart from this, however, we seemed to be getting the hang of this very big barge.

'Even the weather didn't seem to dampen our spirits.'

We're going to start sinking again.

Can you get through there?

-Over the rudder.

-Very good. It's a doddle.

The canal is so narrow you can't steer it. It's perfect.

'Lock after lock, mile after mile.

'Now we're getting somewhere.'

I'll give you five euros, Griff, if you shout up to Dara, "Top o' the mornin' to ye."

Go on. Go on.

He won't be able to hear us anyway. Top o' the mornin' to ye, Dara!

-THEY LAUGH

-Fantastic.

That's fantastic. Well worth... money well spent.

'As we come to the end of day two, in reality we're not very far out of the city at all.

'Close enough, in fact, to go back in and settle a score.

'When he was at university, Dara was a star debater at the debating society,

'and tonight he's revisiting his youth and his lost hair.

'The motion is, has Ireland made a more significant cultural contribution to the world

'than England? I have to speak against.'

I spent most of my college career doing this.

This is kind of where I started being a stand up comedian.

This is weird, like being nostalgic for sometime in the early '90s.

He's coming back to an area with his own home audience, a triumphant return to Dublin.

Me, this is the first time I've ever done this and I've got...

Griff is famously unable to talk in public

as he will explain to you in a monologue.

Welcome to tonight's debate on the motion,

Ireland has made a more significant cultural contribution to the world than England.

'In these debates, two teams take it in turn

'to clash to persuade the audience that their side is correct.

'As guests, we'll be speaking last. Griff for England, but first, me on behalf of Ireland.'

Two names have dominated this debate, one of them spoken, one of them unspoken.

The first is obviously Joyce.

Joyce got mentioned repeatedly. Yes, ha ha, nobody's ever read the book.

This is what the book actually looks like.

Just so you know, they are available in many shops.

I thought I will go down the list of authors and find the first English author, and compare.

Irritatingly for the English, it's Jordan with A Whole New World.

This is how no amount of Shakespeare will win for England.

No amount of Dryden, no amount of Auden,

no amount of Milton, nothing, nothing will top what I'm about...

Strap yourselves in, ladies and gentlemen.

"Unfortunately my holier than thou, I don't do one night stands halo

"slipped as soon as I got Pete alone in that hotel bathroom in Brisbane.

"Fuelled by my intense desire for him,

"I went much further and quite a bit lower."

You see where she's going with this.

"I slipped off his towel, fell to my knees and gave him a..."

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

"I wanted him so much that it was the one time when I thought..."

And it's italicised, indicating her internal monologue,

"I don't care if I'm acting like a slag."

She bangs out hundreds of these, ladies and gentlemen.

They single-handedly, like a black hole, devour all literature around them.

You cannot claim the greatness of a nation while you have this as your number one...

This woman crushes me for sales!

This was relatively ill-informed, shoddily put together.

Incredibly shoddily put together!

It's been a pleasure to talk to you again. Thank you.

CHEERING

I'd like to thanks Dara for his fine speech

and call Mr Griff Rhys-Jones to close the debate.

As a Welshman, I'm going to interpose myself,

as it were, between the English and the Irish.

I was once in a programme called Mine All Mine

and I had to do it with a lot of Welsh actors.

One of them said to me,

"It must have been terrible for you, Griff, growing up like that in Essex in England.

"You must have experienced a lot of racial prejudice."

I said, "Well, to be honest, I didn't at all,

"I don't think anybody noticed I was Welsh at all."

He said, "That's exactly what I mean."

So I'm very much aware that I know how you feel, Dara.

I know how Irish people feel, but the truth is,

we've heard a lot spoken tonight, but it hasn't been in Irish.

The crucial word in this debate is significant contribution.

I think it's a wonderful thing to sit here and see everybody sitting in their dinner jackets.

Those dinner jackets were invented in the 19th century by Prince Albert

who went to his tailor,

and said, "I wonder if you could invent for me

"a short, dark costume that would make me look a complete twit

"in the high street in the middle of the afternoon."

That is part of English culture

that we now find dominant even in this room.

I can only, as a Welshman,

urge all of you Irish people on all sides of me to be realistic

and admit that you are not the most powerful culture in the world.

Thank you.

I'd like to thank all the speakers. I'm now going to put the motion to the House.

-All those in favour say "aye".

-Aye.

-All those against say "nay".

-Nay.

-Oh dear.

-The "ayes" have it.

'Yes, well, what did you expect in the middle of Dublin?

'The next morning, no-one seemed keen to get the barge started.'

-Where do we go today then?

-We move further west.

I'm saying that in an aspirational way.

I think serious questions have to be asked about whether this is the boat to do this on.

I'm determined to try and get this thing started.

We no longer have Andy to help us.

Do I have the physical strength to do it?

-I'm working on an exit strategy.

-OK.

'At least the barge had good entertainment

'in the form of Griff losing his temper

'in Griff versus the engine III.'

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

GRIFF CHEERS

ENGINE STALLS

GRIFF SIGHS

HE PANTS

That...

is enough...of that.

'At last, some proper transport,

'and to avoid loads more locks, we head north to the Royal Canal.

'This will take us all the way to Mullingar.

'The Royal Canal was built as competition to the Grand

'and went bust the year it was opened due to the coming of the railway.

'As a consequence of this, there are no boats on it,

'so what I've arranged is a car with some special powers.'

Look, look, look...

ALL: Whooaaa...!

Hey-hey!

Bravo.

-OK.

-This is magic.

-LOUD REVVING

'After the initial excitement, it all became plain sailing.

'Or plain driving.

'Actually, what is this?'

When James Bond gets into one of these cars,

there must be something to do with the music starting.

The romance, the speed, the power,

the amazing flights the car is capable of.

We don't make aspirational telly here, do we?

'It's very, very relaxing being the only vehicle.

'Soon Dara's previous night out in Dublin took its toll.'

'Before we arrive in Mullingar, a little stop off for some sightseeing at Fore Abbey,

'a place famed for its miraculous wonders.

'It does seem like Griff's been at the guide books again.'

Fore Abbey, founded 630 by St Feichin.

An unfortunate comedy name that he probably didn't anticipate.

St Feichin set it up in what, 630?

630, yes.

It's great, they chose well.

The monks were very good at things like that.

There are seven wonders here. Can you name any of the wonders, Rory?

-Yes, the tree that won't burn.

-That's one.

The water that won't boil.

-That's two.

-The tree that won't stop burning?

-No.

The river that runs uphill...

'It has to be admitted that today the wonders look less than wondrous,

'but what is remarkable is what people have done with them in the name of rampant Irish superstition.

'Particularly this tree.'

This is it!

We are traditionally a very superstitious people.

I am presuming the idea was that people would make wishes on this.

It's amazing. A lot of tissue. It's become like a litter tree.

I don't think that was really their aim.

This is, in fact, a very elaborate wastepaper bin.

Socks, potato crisp packets.

Somebody has left a bracelet. I can understand a nice bracelet.

But to come down here, and tie a bit of old tissue...

-The tissue's there for illness.

-It's unsightly, I think.

Can I go on the record for one thing?

I want to mock this, I want to mock this

because I find all these superstitions really...

It's not my thing.

I am a sceptic and a rationalist, I want to mock this tree.

At the same time, I don't want to hear you two mocking it.

-I don't want you two coming over here...

-I won't, because...

-This is the thing, am I having it both ways by saying this?

-Yes, you are.

I want to do the Catholic church in Ireland and all that usual stuff

but I don't want to invite you over and have you do it.

-I'm jumping...

-Why don't we let you mock it on your own

-and we'll defend it?

-Still, you'd be there, you know?

-Hey, hey, hey...

-Hey, let's go...

What have we got so far?

'Yes, Dara has found himself up to his neck

'in a great, deep, soggy Irish quandary.'

It's beautiful countryside.

It's beautiful countryside but it's the same countryside as most countries have.

It's like being in England.

'Maybe it's because Dara doesn't live in Ireland any more.

'Perhaps he feels guilty, and consequently is desperate to defend it at all costs.

'Fore Abbey was pillaged 12 times by the Vikings.

'The real miraculous wonder is that there's any of it still standing.'

Would you have been a monk? You are very intelligent men, both of you.

-And...

-THEY LAUGH

In those days, if you were a bit intelligent and, you know,

and you hadn't... Although you were related to the kings,

we were just related to the sons of the soil and from ordinary working backgrounds.

-We might have passed our exams and gone into the monastery.

-You'd become priests.

-We'd have become monks.

-I'd have been a bishop.

You'd have been one of those dirty, roistering priests.

Look at the ruddy face on you, you'd be perfect.

Can you take your hat off in there?

What is the idea of taking your hat off when the monastery has no roof?

-True.

-They didn't have a roof over this, cos this was the cloister.

The cloister was designed so you had, on the inside, a window to heaven.

Shall we go and have a look at the nave?

Shall we just go? Cos it's all locked up.

'Dara's obviously had enough of defending Ireland.

'Maybe he can get some respite at one of the quietest and most anonymous towns in Ireland.

'Mullingar, right in the centre of the country.'

'Our arrival caused a bit of a stir

-'but that was nothing compared to what was about to happen.'

-Yes!

ENGINE ROARS

'Mullingar car park was full so we left our car in a multi-storey pond

'and walked out into the high street to see what the town had to offer.

'What it had to offer was a food fair in the centre of town,

'so that's where we headed.

'But the food fair seemed to be rather more elaborate than we'd been expecting.'

Thank you.

SPEAKS IRISH GAELIC A bit of Irish for you.

Ta failte means you're very welcome.

-Failte?

-That means you're welcome.

'Dara was a much bigger star in Ireland than any of us had imagined.

'Even Dara, apparently.'

MARCHING BAND PLAYS

What a coincidence that this just happened to be on when we arrived in Mullingar.

'It took a few moments for the penny to drop but all of this was for us.'

It's been laid on for Dara!

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Dara O'Briain!

Here he is, we've brought him back to Mullingar. Here he is! Dara!

Very strange.

-Hello, how are you, how are you?

-All for one and one for all.

How strange is that?

How are you? How's yourself? Hello.

Hello, hello. How are you? Hi.

How are you? Good to see you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Dara, Rory and Griff, on behalf of the people of Mullingar,

the county town of Westmead, may I welcome you to Mullingar.

Or as we say in Irish, cead mile failte.

Thank you very much, you're very kind.

All right, all right, I've been to Mullingar loads of times,

this is the first time you've bothered to do this.

If I came back next week, the band will be busy.

Don't let's pretend this is the way we always treat people arriving in Mullingar.

Ladies and gentlemen, o chroi, from my heart...

HE SPEAKS IRISH GAELIC

It's a pleasure and a delight to be here.

Thank you for coming out to welcome the lads here and to welcome me back

to a town where I have been many... There's a camera behind me?

I'm aware of where the cameras are.

I've done this before.

But thanks very much for heckling me.

That's more like the Mullingar I thought I'd get.

Randomly shouting abuse at me! CHEERING

'For us, this was very flattering and also acutely embarrassing

'but actually maybe the town was in the mood to party and today we were the excuse.'

Like a politician, shaking hands. Hello, how are you?

'Rory was impressed.'

I think Mullingar is my favourite place in the world now.

'Certainly across Ireland, Mullingar seemed to be the place to be.

'If you've ever wondered what people mean when they talk about the craic,

'this is the craic.'

-You should be professional!

-Thank you very much for teaching me!

'You can't fault them for their generosity.'

-It's beetroot chutney.

-I'm not normally a beetroot person.

Can we tell you...

-Is it?

-Absolutely.

-ASIDE: It's a natural source of Viagra?

-You're not supposed to say that!

Can you back that up with figures and proof?

It's the number one food in the world.

I have two already, I'm fine.

You're sure? You've a bad attitude. A third one'd be no problem.

It's enough that I have the two lads as it is making a mess without a tiny cat.

Go on. Ah, go on.

Do cats like chutney?

Absolutely. We're doing a mixture for Kitty Kat at the moment.

So, there you are.

I'm trying to dispel this myth that all we do in Ireland is talk.

This conversation we have had will do no good to us at all.

Thank you very much.

-Your chutney, the cat, the apple, the beetroot.

-The cats.

The cats? You'll give me three? Jesus!

Thank you, bye. Slan, slan.

-CROWD:

-One, two, three, toss!

-RORY:

-I said toss!

Toss!

Oh!

-Hang on...

-Oh!

It's only on television(!)

Next morning, we need to get to the Shannon at Athlone

'The canal goes too far north from here so we need to find another way.'

-Sunday morning in Mullingar's very different to Saturday night.

-Yeah.

'This disused railway line was used for the film The Great Train Robbery

-'and here we arranged to meet someone we've actually met before.'

-Hi, lads, how are you?

Louis, how are you doing?

Didn't expect to see you three here.

'Last time, he was making potato cakes at the food fair,

'but for the last 15 years, architect Louis

'has been developing an ingenious and unusual transportation device,

'called a draisine.'

'Draisines aren't particularly Irish.

'In fact, they are German in origin,

'and they're named after their inventor, Baron Karl Christian Ludwig Drais von Sauerbronn.

'Or Ronnie to his friends.

'The Germans used armoured ones to invade Poland.'

This is how we grow up in Ireland.

We always did this kind of stuff.

This is a very, very typical snapshot

of life in Ireland, contemporary Ireland.

-A typical Sunday afternoon.

-This is... Often I go to a match.

-Let's get the draisine out!

-Yes.

Pedal, gentlemen, pedal.

-Tell us about Athlone.

-Right in the middle of the country.

It's where all the canals, like the canal we're on now, meet the Shannon.

-This is it, boats. Proper boats.

-Lovely.

No more car boats, no more ancient boats,

no more weird bicycles on trains, proper boats.

'Eventually we get to Athlone, which is on the Shannon river,

'and where we'll be picking up the next boat.

'The Shannon is Ireland's longest river and, this morning, probably its prettiest.'

-It's a beautiful morning.

-It certainly is. Look at that. If only I had my guitar here.

-The Amaryllis.

-Is this it?

Is this the way to Amaryllis?

-Pretty boat.

-It is a pretty boat, isn't it?

The mast is broken, though.

Sweet!

-Morning.

-Morning.

-Morning.

'Amaryllis is Reggie Goodbody's beloved boat.

'She's immaculately restored and looked after.'

-This is the boat.

-We can go all the way to Limerick with this?

That's right, the whole way.

'Reggie waves goodbye to us and possibly to his boat.'

He's a very nervous man, that Reggie.

-He is now!

-He has every reason to be worried if he saw the last programme.

Have we got a fog horn?

Wow, this is really, really dense.

Can you see the bridge? Can you see the bridge, Griff?

Somewhere up here...

..is a lock.

-Oh my God, it's sailing into nothing.

-Yeah.

That's incredible.

We could be going anywhere.

There's literally nothing to see there.

'As we enter the lock, the visibility isn't getting any better.

'If anything, it's getting worse.'

-That's it, there we go.

-Griff?

Is it safe to proceed in this fog?

Well...

..not really.

It's going to clear up but only complete idiots would go forward

in these conditions, so we'll give it a whirl, shall we?

-Did he say complete idiots?

-He said ONLY complete idiots would do this.

-Here we go.

'In the next programme, the fog lifts.

'And we descend into Europe's deepest lock.'

This is like descending into hell, as least as far as I can remember.

It's a bit like this.

'Single-handedly, Dara continues to defend the Irish nation from bad jokes...'

-Nothing like a large paddy.

-Just stop now!

'Worse accents...'

-IRISH:

-I'll do a bit of the Irish accent.

-Good man!

What, what now?

'And terrible hairdos.'

'And by any boat we can get our hands on,

'we make our way to the first Limerick limerick competition...'

There was a young lady...

'Griff is desperate to win.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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