Episode 2 Three Men Go to Venice

'So far on our Balkan journey...'

Griff is still up there. Griff is still up there.

'We've nearly lost Griff to hyperthermia.'

I'm not getting up from here!

'We've nearly lost Rory to a drunken stupor.'

You put your head in here like this.

'And nearly lost Dara in a sword fight.'

-Seven!

-I can only give you five.

Oh!

'But as our journey continues, clothes are shed.'

-Nut?

-No fear.

'Reputations are lost.'

Who are ya? Who are ya?

'And gondolas scatter...'

Apparently there's something serious happening here.

-'..As the three men fly...

-blow...'

-It's looking wonderful.

-I can't bear to watch.

'..and dive their way to Venice

'for a rowing race on one of the busiest waterways in the world -

'the Grand Canal.'

Come on, Rory. Come on.

Having left the island if Vis, we are back on board the Magellan

travelling north, threading our way through some of Croatia's 1,200 islands

and we have an escort.

Oh, they're just playing underneath us here. That's incredible.

The speed!

Unfortunately, the Magellan could only take us as far as the city

of Split and from there we need to find another boat.

'Lucky then that Split's annual boat show happens to be on this weekend.'

I'm not looking forward to it at all to be honest,

because boat shows tend to be lots of free champagne

and stunning bikini clad girls draped over boats and things,

but I'll force one down.

We have to blag a boat to Venice, so what we have to do is, genuinely, we have to see...

It's a bad time of year for ferries and, you know, driving across

takes two days and it's going to be an awkward transit

unless we can get some sort of yacht there

that would like to have us for the charm of us, and would bring us

across the Adriatic to Venice to finish the whole thing off.

So we're on blag alert.

Split is the largest city in Dalmatia and for the past 13 years,

boat enthusiasts from across Europe have flocked here to salivate over the latest luxury yachts.

Many of these enthusiasts are Italian. We're banking on

there being someone travelling back to Venice in the next few days with room for an extra three.

And a camera crew of course.

Being here out of season means there are no direct ferries or flights,

so it's crucial we make some contacts.

RORY GREETS IN CROATIAN

-Kako si?

-Super.

Super? That's an English word.

-No, Croatian.

-Is that Croatian?

-Do you speak English?

-In English and in Croatian.

-That's good. You speak English.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Very good.

Do you think the first thing to do is to select the boat that we think we might...

We'd better not just go for the first one we see.

We're going to have to go to all of them and be told no by all them.

I don't know if I can go through with it.

I'm just not made to beg for a lift.

Are you going to Venice in the next...

-No.

-OK. No problem at all. We'll move on.

There's no chance you're going to Venice in the next few days?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-When do you go to Venice?

I go...two years ago, I go to Venice for a carnival.

But you're not going to Venice in the next few days?

-Ah, no.

-No.

-No. No, no, no.

'Meanwhile, I have better tactics for securing a vessel.

'Secure a PR girl to get one for me.'

I'm looking for a... Ah! Excuse me, you're an organiser?

-Yes.

-I'm Rory with the BBC.

-Very nice to meet you.

I was wondering if someone could show me around the show.

Around the fair. Of course, why not.

So we need a boat to take us. Do you think I'll be able to find a boat here

that will take me to Venice?

-Of course.

-I've got ten Kuna on me.

-You have ten Kuna.

-Yeah.

-Enough!

-Are you sure?

-I will find something for you.

-OK, you can do the haggling.

We should explain to Rory that ten Kuna is just over a pound.

Wow. We just got this for free.

That's the point of going to these things, isn't it?

Exactly. It's our first freebie. Let's see...

Even if we don't get a free ride to Venice,

let's see how many other freebies we can pick up en route.

This looks like some sort of key ring but that is a raincoat.

-That is an entire raincoat.

-Is it?

Yeah. What, you thought it was just a small plastic ball?

I thought it was a floaty key ring,

so when you dropped your keys overboard

they float and they don't go to the bottom of the ocean.

-But it's a raincoat as well.

-And a floaty key ring.

Wow. That's very, very good.

'Our search was becoming just a tad futile.

'But then it dawned on us that all the people who owned big boats are rich and flashy,

'and how do they flash the rest of the world their wealth when not lounging on their sundeck?'

Once you've got a cigar on, they'll show you onto any boat you like.

We are now ostentatiously mingling.

We've given up on the boat, we're ostentatiously mingling

with the cigar club in the hope they might offer us free cigars.

'To get in with the in crowd, Dara takes the bullet and the stogy

'and unbelievably it works.'

What sort of boat do you have here?

We saw it. It was one of the first.

-It's black.

-Oh, yes, we saw it. Very smart.

-Very, very nice.

The lovely Daya has a contact she thinks could help me.

She's saying, "Is this boat going to Venice?"

She might not be, she might be ordering a pizza for all I know.

'That's thin crust, extra pepperoni, no anchovies.'

'Our man from the cigar club has done us proud.

'The Italian built Leonard is 72-foot with twin engines,

'four cabins and a top speed of 45 knots. Very nice.'

A bit gymnastic, isn't it?

Now this is exceptionally beautiful.

-Look at this up here.

-There's nothing spared here.

I like the three in a row.

Three men in a boat.

-It's perfect. This is perfect.

-That is our programme, it's called Three Men In A Boat.

Three Men In A Boat. We are two of them.

The third man you wouldn't have taken seriously at all.

You're very good at this. Have you been on television?

You should, you'd be very good.

You could read the news, present a quiz show.

Shall we show you what we managed to get?

Go on.

We got a free... It's got a rain mac inside it and it floats.

Are we going to Venice on this?

We're going to string them together and then we can kick.

That's fantastic. Is this for me?

-And then we went and Dara bought...

-I got a cigar.

-I blagged a cigar...

-What sort of boat?

We got an eight berth speedy cruiser job.

It's really, like really... It's a £3 million boat.

-A cheap boat?

-I don't think there is a bigger boat in this thing.

-Shall I show you what I've got?

-OK. Yeah, please.

'This Italian-built Austin Parker 52-foot open has three cabins,

'en suite, a top speed of 34 knots

'and a range of 340 in nautical miles. Perfect.'

-Isn't it beautiful?

-I'm so pleased you like it, Griff!

GRIFF CHUCKLES Yeah, it's nice, yeah.

-It took a blonde girl with a short skirt to get this.

-Well done.

-Now this, Griff, is what they call my bedroom.

-OK.

Is this the master bedroom?

This is the master bedroom and the interesting thing is we turned

the position of the bed that way,

that you don't know where the main direction of the boat is.

If you are laying here, try it.

-Go on, Griff, you try it.

-This is your bedroom.

-Am I allowed to try it?

-I'm thinking of your back.

-Where's the bow of the boat?

-There?

-No. It's there.

-Is it?

-Oh!

-So it's turned.

-The whole thing has turned.

This is what we call the blagger's bedroom.

All Griff needs to know is where is the toilet

for the middle of the night?

As long as that's not disguised by some optical illusion,

he's going to be all right in the middle of the night.

Well, at my age you know, yes.

'The boat show had another two days to go,

'so we have to wait for our lift.

'In the meantime, we're going to continue island hopping

'up the coast on the Kapetan MRS,

'a former chemical tanker that delivers drinking water.'

-Hello. Are you Captain Mrs?

-Hello.

-I am not Mrs I am Mr.

-Mr Captain.

-Mr Captain, how are you?

-Griff, Dara, Rory.

'It's just finished filling with water and is ready to go.

'All that needs to be done is the storage of the filling hose.'

'Just how many men does it take to roll up a hose?'

Like this, you roll and pull.

-Roll and pull.

-This has to be like this.

It's beyond us - three men and the Captain.

Are they thirsty on the islands, because this could take some time?

-More, more, more, more.

-Now you're doing well.

We're supposed to be on a luxury yacht, remember that bit?

-Don't roll it up! Why are you rolling it up?

-Pull, Griff, pull.

-Jesus!

-I was looking for a Laurel and Hardy moment.

Like Lady And The Tramp? Where you both meet in the middle?

The Kapetan MRS was built during the Communist era in Croatia.

As a result, all the steel is just that little bit thicker.

There are just a few more rivets.

Everything is 100 per cent more sturdy than those flimsy,

mass produced, fibreglass gin palaces that Dara likes so much.

Look at this.

Plenty of room for deck quoits, whatever you need here.

Here's the galley. Everybody hard at work producing lunch.

Huge! Huge by comparison to those plastic boats.

Plenty of room to have a good old sit down.

Fantastic smell of diesel in the air as well.

For me this is the real romance of the sea, a little boat like this,

because you just don't see as many of them as you used to.

They're all disappearing and you've got the enormous container ships,

but coastal trade has gone, hasn't it?

Fabulous idea that you need boats like this then to keep the islands running around here.

How far away is the island we're going to?

About 12 miles.

12 miles. OK, fine. So, it won't take us that long to get out.

And how often do you bring water to them?

In the summer, every day I work.

-Every day?

-Every day, nearly every day.

After a couple of diesel-scented hours,

we arrive at the island of Kaprije.

Doesn't look like one of the party islands of the Dalmatian coast.

Basically, if you don't like Cafe Bar Neptune you're not in luck.

Getting the water from the Kapetan MRS to the island

is normally pretty straightforward but today, of course,

the island's pump is on the blink and they need our help.

Do you have to ring a bell so the villagers know?

I suppose so. Well, I was hoping there would be a committee...

Where are all the villagers and the mayor saying, "At last the water's arrived!"

Why isn't there an ice cream van noise? Like a song,

# Ding ding ding Dah, ding ding ding ding... #

RORY LAUGHS

The Captain has invited me in to his cabin for a beer

-and who am I to...

-We're delivering water!

I know, I can't drink water.

It's the one thing we have to do and you're bunking off!

All we have to do is deliver this water to these thirsty people.

I'm about to deliver a bottle of beer to this thirsty person.

I'm with the Captain if there's any trouble.

Oh, yeah, OK.

It'll be the Captain we'll be looking for, not you.

'The reason for all that careful hosepipe rolling is now apparent.

'With no pump on the island, we'll have to connect hundreds of yards

'of canvas hoses and push the water from the boat

'all the way to the storage container

'in the middle of the town.'

-How's it going there, Griff?

-You know we could do with a bit of a hand here.

-Really?

-Well, I would think so.

My wife said to me, "What do you want for your birthday?" And I said,

"I'd like a Croatian girl," which she didn't like very much.

Griff is now proudly claiming to have improved the way they do this,

because he's come to some technique where the boat gets dragged along and it helps carry the thing.

They've been doing this for 40 years and Griff, in this first afternoon,

starts declaring improvements.

He's like a management consultant who's been shipped in, you know?

OK, here we go. Griff, sending you water.

With the water pumps flat out, it's still going to take six hours to unload the cargo.

Time to check on the whereabouts of our yachts.

It's fabulous that you could be able to do this,

but it would be enormously helpful if you could be in Pula on Tuesday.

OK, that might well be a problem.

So if there is a chance of hitching a lift to Venice,

it'll be via Pula, 70 miles up the coast,

so that's where we have to head for.

But as the water delivery finished,

we couldn't let a Croatian sunset go to waste.

GRIFF GROANS Are you finding that very difficult?

We're very grateful, Griff.

You bash your fingers together.

Is there a sense you are enjoying the sunset less than we are?

I'm enjoying it less than you are.

Griff, even though you're in discomfort, I have to say

you are the only person on this boat that can see the sunset.

-Can you describe it to us?

-I'll swivel you round...

We'll look at you and you look at the sunset.

-Ah!

-Hang on, I'm not going to look. I'll wait. Keep going, keep going.

Keep going. Griff, you're in the way of the sunset.

I can't see the sunset because you're in the way!

It was perfect for a second, but now you've ruined it.

-That is very nice.

-That's lovely.

We arrive in Zadar 30 miles up the coast too late to enjoy its best feature.

In 1964, film director Alfred Hitchcock proclaimed

the Zadar sunset is a magnificent scene that has outlived time.

We make do instead with a seafront light sculpture called Greeting To The Sun,

which only turns on at night, much like Rory.

This was Alfred Hitchcock's favourite sunset in the World.

What was Alfred Hitchcock doing here?

-Good question.

-Just on holiday, or checking out a location or thinking...

He looked at the sunset and thought, "How beautiful, I can't use that. I can't use that beautiful sunset.

"I don't do beautiful sunsets, I do murders and horrible things."

Is that how Alfred Hitchcock talks?

Did you not know that Alfred Hitchcock talks?

He was an old cockney man, he was.

He's more jowly sounding.

THEY MUMBLE

That's Winston Churchill, isn't it?

GRIFF MUMBLES

We shall fight them on the beaches. THEY LAUGH

On tonight's programme, the story of a man...

"We haven't had lot of people here since the new road was built.

"Mother!"

With no ferries or other boats at this time of year,

we have to get from Zadar to Pula via plane.

'Please take particular note of the location of the emergency exists.'

At least we could enjoy the remaining 300 Croatian islands from the air,

as technically we leave the Dalmatian coast as head for the Istrian one.

-You're not a nervous flyer, Griff?

-No.

-Have you done loads of flights?

Not loads of flying. It never really occurs to me. It seems to me that

it's one of those things, if you're number's up, you go down.

It's safer than catching a bus, isn't it?

Well, you never hear of a bus crash landing in the sea.

Pula is the largest town on the Istrian Peninsula.

At its heart lies the Pula arena.

One of the best preserved Roman amphitheatres in the world.

Hey, it's better than the one in Rome.

-Why's it better than the one in Rome?

-Because there's more of it.

And there are less fake centurions standing around smoking fags.

Yeah, there's a lot of that.

And it's not quite like a middle of a roundabout like the one in Rome.

This Arena dates back to 28 BC and was used for gladiatorial combat

until the Emperor Honorius banned it in the 5th Century.

In the 1500s, the Venetians wanted to steal it.

They planned to move it to Venice stone by stone,

but luckily they were foiled.

Nowadays, it's used as a concert venue,

with Elton John, Sting and Sinead O'Connor all having performed here.

Essentially it's like the O2 of its day.

You know, Michael McIntyre in his day would have played here

and then a lion would have come on and eaten him.

-Yey! At last!

-What's he going to do tomorrow night?

If you needed to make a speech, you'd feel all right here.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you could project here.

-Friends!

-Romans.

-Pulans. Pulans.

I don't think the play, Julius Caesar, would have been done in Roman times

It's actually quite good, the echo.

-I could hear that.

-That's pretty good acoustics after all that.

Ow! A lion is eating my leg!

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

With such a magnificent acoustic on offer,

it was too much for the thespian amongst us to resist.

DARA AND RORY CHEER

-Thank you!

-Sorry?

-Good evening, Pula.

-Sorry? What did he say?

Welcome to the first show of 531 AD.

Yeah, can we have more lions, please?

Give us Pick A Pocket Or Two, Griff.

# A man's got a heart has a name... #

We kind of meant that as a joke, but he's going for it.

# I'm finding it hard... #

BOTH: Boooo!

Is it open mic night?

-Yeah, it is.

-Get him off. Next!

We should move this whole thing to Venice.

-You just can't get the crowds any more.

-Is this licensed, this place?

HE SINGS

DARA AND RORY: Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?

Bring on the poet. GRIFF GROANS

-It's escaping.

-Comedian escaping, comedian escaping from the arena.

No, no, no, you can't break the fourth wall.

People in Pula aren't ready for this kind of modern theatre.

Our yachts from the boat show should be passing Pula tomorrow morning,

although we still weren't sure if they would stop and pick us up.

In the meantime, Griff and I hire a tourist boat to explore.

I don't know why I thought, being a middle-aged man now and very anal myself,

I'd like it but it's just, to me, there's something about

elements of Croatia that are just a little bit too tidy.

I was expecting it to be far more rougher at the edges.

Covered in piles of litter like Spain and Greece?

Well, maybe. I mean, the streets are incredibly clean.

It looks like someone's been along with a vacuum.

No, but I think that's wear and tear. The cobbles are very shiny.

I don't mean just because they're shiny, I mean,

every corner, every bit of paper has been picked up.

I think that's great, it's just somehow it gives it a sort of dream-like quality.

A slightly alienated quality.

I like it. I like it a lot.

And the surprising thing is, very few cigarette ends considering

how the population spends the entire time smoking.

Once they smoke them, they swallow the butt in case the cleanliness police arrive and arrest them.

'I've joined up with Jageda from the Pula Diving Club to check out the area's famed crystal clear waters.'

Oh!

Some people actually manage to make wet suits look cool.

Some people look like Ninjas when they were this shit.

I look like something wrapped in tarpaulin.

Enjoying the contours are we?

Is that a long lingering shot?

Neoprene fetishists who might be watching the show...

get a real sense of the curves.

'Jageda was going to take me down to an undersea cave,

'one of many along this stretch of coast.

'Not being obviously Croatian,

'I hoped the universal divers' sign language would see me though.'

I worship the devil, I love rock'n'roll,

those fish are mating.

Important stuff.

Whilst I got on with indulging my passion,

Rory had found a passion of his own.

Now tell me, Griff, where do you stand on nudism?

I don't. Have you ever been one?

-No.

-Come on! Let's go!

-There are supposed to be dozens...

-Up here is Europe's largest nudist colony called Koversada

and apparently there's room for 15,000

fat, rich, naked Germans with big bellies and tiny willies.

So it says in the tourist guide.

We're sitting, as it happens, on the old boat, there's nobody else around, it's our boat,

and we're passing a tourist bit. What we could do is, what we'll do is, we'll sit here completely naked,

just the two of us and see what it feels like because quite honestly...

Join us after this break.

The sea floor's full of weird, wizened creatures. It's a good job

Rory isn't down here, he doesn't cope well with such things.

Oh, my God!

We've got some hungry seagulls looking for that chip!

THEY LAUGH

No, you see, we are mad because that's the trouble with us

repressed Englanders, we just associate nudity with sex

and if you're a normal German, or Austrian, or even a Czechoslovak,

or a Croatian, you sit on the beach with no kit on

and you think this is as nature intended me to be.

Pass me that fig leaf, will you?

You don't need a fig leaf, you want a caper.

-Thank you.

-That should do it. That should cover it.

-Nut?

-No fear!

Jags and I reach the undersea entrance to the cave,

which will take us out into a blow hole in the cliff.

Wow! That's amazing!

That's a genuine star ship. Hello!

-Hello.

-How lovely is that?

And even without much invisibility,

even that sense that you're really seeing that far,

is an amazing experience.

Day trips done and clothes returned,

we borrowed a sailing boat for our last Croatian night and a supper

of pasta with something the area is famed for - truffles.

I always struggle with fungal growths myself, so I'm a bit sceptical about truffles.

Well, I'll have yours then.

I think we should raise our glasses, Griff, you raise your eyebrows,

and say dovidenya hrvatska.

-Dovidenya hrvatska.

-What does that mean?

Griff, how long have you been in this country and not learned what dovidenya means, or hrvatska?

-You know what hrvatska means.

-I know what it means.

I'm only worried for the average viewer at home. What does it mean?

That means goodbye until we see you again, Croatia.

Beautiful.

I did it in a mock Russian accent.

Tomorrow it was Venice,

but just how we were going to get there remained to be seen.

Venice was waiting for us through the dawn fog.

All we needed were our luxury yachts but which one would we get?

We have to go. So... you have news?

Are you kidding? That's great.

So what are we doing? Are we going?

Can we go? Can we not go?

No, that's fine.

We're running out of time that's the thing, isn't it?

'So which was it to be?

'My elegant 52-footer with its unusual cabin layout...'

'..Or my 72-foot twin engine monster?'

Isn't this exciting, Griff?

Venice at last.

And what a way to travel.

Yes, the only boat we managed to wrangle was a ferry.

So what happened to your boat then?

Er...I had problems getting the pretty blonde girl in the short mini skirt to come with me.

Probably the real reason is the boats are both unsold.

If they come back into Croatia the Croatian government slap VAT on the boats, which for my boat would be

like 720 grand and for his boat, it'd be like nine...

-Seven hundred...

-and twenty thousand!

-Because our boat was so expensive, wasn't it?!

-Either way,

we couldn't and they couldn't, and no-one wanted...

-I actually prefer this boat to your boat.

-Do you?

-I do. I think this is much nicer.

-You prefer this to your boat?

-I prefer this boat to my boat as well.

-It's got integrity.

-It's got rigour.

-It's a real metal.

-Yeah.

At least it's a boat.

The only way to arrive for my first time in Venice.

Dara and Griff have apparently been here before.

-Impressive sight.

-Ahhh!

The great smell of...

-no sewers.

-I don't why he said that.

It doesn't smell at all. It's a typical English reaction,

he's worried most of all about the drainage.

-It may be an English preoccupation but can you flush the toilet paper down the lavatory?

-I don't remember!

It depends on the hotel we're in.

It's perfectly fine to flush the lavatory here.

Anyway, there's more shit going down the Thames these days

than there is in Venice. Promise you.

Never mind the sewers, the city's made of 117 small islands

and was the greatest maritime empire the world has ever known.

Whist everyone else was producing farmers, Venice produced sailors.

But for the last 300 years, lured by descriptions such as the most

beautiful place ever built by man,

Venice is entirely dependent on tourism.

-This is beautiful.

-It's nice, isn't it?

The only thing I knew about Venice before I arrived is

it's got canals instead of streets, but when you're here you think,

"It's got canals instead of streets!" It's wonderful.

It is astonishing just to the level to which they do have canals instead of streets.

It's a theme park on water,

and its centre is the Grand Canal, the main commuter and tourist route.

Venice's Oxford Street.

It's a constant flurry of vaporettos,

water taxis, pleasure cruisers, barges and, of course, gondolas.

There are no cars in Venice. Everything is done by boat.

It doesn't strike me as the best place to do a race.

What, three amateurs in the busiest bit of canal in the world doing a very complicated rowing stroke?

Not only a navigation accident but a cultural accident as well, waiting to happen.

So we're going to insult them and also slow up the commute.

-And drown.

-Why do you drown? How slow are they to come and get you?

This is not going to be easy.

Dara and Rory can barely control a simple rowing boat,

let alone a gondola with its unique sculling called voga alla veneta.

The gondola may be a cliche but it's also a very interesting boat.

Sorry, Rory, but this is true

because the boat only has one bit of metal in it,

that's the bit at the front,

which is a balance for the oarsman or the gondolier.

What he does is a very interesting stroke, because it's designed

to be narrow and rowed by one person, which means he has to push

the boat along and then use the same oar to steer the boat

as he brings it forward again so that he can push it like that,

and so at the end of the 19th century they developed the gondola

to have a sort of asymmetric quality to it so that the actual boat itself

was balanced because of the person sitting on the stern

pushing it along.

It's clear that we are going to need some training before being released on the Grand Canal.

So we've come to the Rowing Circle -

a club that is hosting our race.

I'll go here.

Can you let me pass, please?

OK, lift that up.

-There we go, OK.

-Don't lose my oar.

They rightly want to take us through our paces and check us out.

A race on the Grand Canal is a big deal to these people

and they don't want to be made a fool of by the English, Irish and Welsh.

This is how you stop and this is how you start.

Sybil is the only one who speaks English and so she's going to teach us.

-OK.

-Pulling it back, the row is like that.

-And then up.

-Yes, OK.

'We're on a more stable racing gondola called a Carolina,

'but even on this not falling in is a challenge.'

-Oh!

-Uh-huh. OK.

Unlike normal rowing you stand, facing forward.

Well, it's not really very difficult.

Quite similar to rowing.

-You have to use the whole body to move the row.

-Yeah.

I guessed.

'The technique wasn't really clicking for us.'

Try to move together.

And just as Griff thinks he's got it, he gets more confusing instructions.

-Si.

-No.

-Are you sure?

INSTRUCTORS SPEAK ITALIAN

'It seems that our instructors can't agree on the correct technique.

'As with so many things in Italian life, the modern and the old

'are clashing and our teachers argue over style, form and footwork.'

No, you use the left leg.

Left leg.

'Once the basic stroke was sort of agreed,

'the next thing was to learn to row as a team.'

Uno due.

Uno due.

Uno due.

I like that. Uno due. Uno due.

The Venetian entry for the European Song Contest I believe.

Grazie!

And now we have our race to bugger it up.

In the 1400s, Venice was the world centre for glass making.

But there were so many fires that it was decided to move all

the glass makers to Murano a mile north of the main island.

One of the top foundries is Fornia with ten master craftsmen and now us.

We need a trophy.

We need a trophy for a race.

100% Murano glass trophy.

It doesn't have to be a master craftsmen.

We were thinking we could make it.

We have the best one on the island.

It means the best one in the world.

His name is Diego.

Will Diego help us?

Should we help Diego to make a trophy?

You will help Diego to make a trophy.

-Shall I go first?

-You go first.

Ciao, Diego.

Como esta?

We want Rory to help make our trophy for us, do we?

We have not thought this through, but if the trophy's for rowing

really badly, the trophy should probably reflect that.

We are coming to Venice to take a Venetian skill and not be very good at it.

What temperature is glass workable at? What heat are we talking about here?

It starts cooling at 1,400 degrees.

You can start shaping it around 800, 600 and then start cooling off.

Rory, can you do something of this standard?

Yeah, that'll do. We can do that.

This is what we want because nothing else would be worth making an ass of ourselves on the Grand Canal for.

So, er... Don't drop it.

Diego, shall I sit here?

Si.

And afterwards, he's going to sit on your legs.

OK, good. Am I blowing first?

Er...not first. You start rolling.

-Right.

-Rolling, rolling, rolling.

-Keep it rolling.

-Rolling, rolling, rolling.

There we are. I've just decided what it's going to be.

Something in honour of Casanova perhaps?

Concentrate, Rory.

I don't know what I'm going to do with this.

OK, you're going to shape it, Rory.

Here it comes!

-So...rolling. Yeah.

-Oh!

I've got it.

I've got it. You roll, Diego.

-It's looking wonderful.

-I can't bear to watch.

That's better, that's better.

Lovely.

Are we going to blow now, Luigi?

Are we blowing at all today?

Now you inflate.

Blow in, blow in.

Stop, stop.

-Not bad.

-Good balloon work.

-Yeah. I'm...I'm going to leave you.

-OK.

No, I'm not bored. I want it to be a surprise later on.

I don't want to be curmudgeonly, but...

It's just somehow... this is the problem.

I mean, this is a perfectly nice...

nice island with a longstanding tradition

utterly ruined by tourists.

The whole place has produced over the last thousand years a fantastic craft.

It's taken them centuries to perfect and the Doge at one point

used to refuse to let any craftsmen leave the island

lest they take the secrets of Venice glass-making away and gave it

to another city and all that skill has gone in to producing

a hideous blue fish with black and white pop eyes.

Whee! Ay, ay, ay! Anybody got any sun block?

Whoa! Keep it going, keep it going!

Get it in, get it out. This is the most fun I've had in years.

Hundreds of experts descending on me. It's great.

Back on the mainland, the city was filling up.

They've come to see the most beautiful architecture in the world.

If they can catch a glimpse of it through the crowds.

I've only been in Venice in August once,

that was about 25 years ago and even then it was a bit like being in...

in the queue in an amusement park permanently. In a good year,

the tourists outnumber the population by 60 to one.

'I tried to escape the crowds of tourists and get a behind the scenes

'look at how a city on water actually functions.'

This is the only way to travel really.

See the city from this level.

Like any city, we have emergency services here, there are the police,

there are ambulances and, of course, these guys the Vigili Del Fuoco who are the fire service.

Now it may seem paradoxical that a city built on water

would be in danger of fire but in 1996, the Opera House, La Fenice,

burnt down and the fire was fought by these guys from their boats.

-Where are the chairs?

-No chairs.

No chairs. Always ready to go.

Well, let's go and have a bit of a drive around.

'Andrea is fire chief of one of Venice's three main fire stations,

'poised and ready for all emergencies.'

How often are the fires?

Usually, sometimes one in a month, a big important fire.

-A little fire, the beginning of a fire, kitchen fire...

-Yeah.

Do the vaporettos ever hit the gondolas?

Gondolas, yes, yes, sometimes.

And then they break the engine and they go straight, they can't stop, and they take the gondola.

-And do you ever arrive out and there's a tourist?

-Oh, yes.

RADIO BEEPS

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Si. OK. OK.

-Where are we going?

-Danieli.

-OK.

HORN BLARES

A proper Venetian emergency.

Horn on, everything. We're heading for the Danieli Hotel.

Is this the Danieli?

You're kidding.

Did you just phone in an emergency?

They've got no bottle openers!

There's a bar tenders trading conference in there and they're using all the bottle openers.

Did you just call out an emergency boat?

We were like, "Ee-aw, ee-aw, ee-aw" and everything.

You call that an emergency approach?

Thank you very, very much, Andrea.

A proper fireman, that's what I like.

Also, my face is on fire.

'Our big race is going to happen in the afternoon.

'So for the morning, we've arranged to meet up and have lunch

'with the last family that actually fish out of Venice - the Bomulo.

'And hopefully we'll learn a thing or two about real Venetian cookery.

'It begins with a shopping list.'

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

OK.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

OK. OK. Arrivederci.

-OK, great. What is this, a shopping list?

-I think it is, yeah.

-Just go through this.

-What's...

-Olio di oliva, olive oil.

-Aglio?

-Aglio, that's garlic.

Melanzana is aubergine, your favourite.

Yeah, I'll let you get that.

-Penne number ten or pane number ten?

-Penne number ten, that's the pasta.

-Are you sure that's not pane?

-No, penne, penne.

Yeah, but penne has two Ns, are you sure it's not pane, bread?

Pane is... Penne... You think it's bread number ten?

You go into a shop and say, "Number ten bread, please."

Basilico...

Buongiorno.

How are you? Good?

This is typical fish here in the lagoon,

and this fish is going to form part of our lunch, so how fresh is that?

-Anguilla.

-Anguilla, look at this, eels.

And they're like eels, traditionally extremely slippery.

Here it comes, here it comes.

Oh! An electric one!

While Rory had ingredients eating out of his hand,

we have to venture further afield.

On the outskirts of the island of Giudecca I've been told of a market stall popular with the locals.

These are apparently the only fresh vegetables grown in Venice.

And they come from the garden of the women's prison.

I'm in quite a crowd here of people seeking fresh vegetables.

That's the last of the cauliflowers gone. Hmm...

I'm going to have to... I think it's asparagus, si. Grazie.

-Solo mezzo chilo.

-Mezzo chilo? Solo mezzo chilo, si.

Grazie. Solo mezzo chilo?

-Uno?

-Uno, si.

I'm restricted to half a kilo of asparagus,

but they're still serving the same woman who was here when I arrived

and she is taking everything.

We just lost the entirety of the rocket, all the spinaci finito.

This woman has taken every single last beetroot.

That's not leaving much for the rest of us. I've seized this asparagus,

I've got them in my grip,

I just fancy it might take about an hour to get served to pay for them.

I, however, am somewhere much less exciting, for me at least.

And so inevitably, we find ourselves in a fish market.

All shows that come to Venice have to bring you to the fish market to show you there is still

real life in the city and it isn't just shops selling Venetian masks and clowns made of glass.

It's about 80 per cent shops selling masks and clowns made of glass.

Little note on the fish market thing -

at home I don't go to fish markets,

I don't hang around a lot of fish when I'm at home. I find the smell

a little bit fishy for me, a little bit heavy, so my shopping list says

things like pasta, some bread, maybe some potatoes and some tomatoes.

I'm going to do that in this shop in which I can actually inhale.

INHALES DEEPLY

This is Il Ponte della Tette, which means...

well, there's another way of putting it, the Bridge of Tits.

That's because in the 1500s, Venice had an incredible

11,000 prostitutes so, obviously, trade was very competitive

and so to attract passing customers the ladies of the night would

hang out of these windows... Well, hang out of these windows, in fact.

Shop! No.

Very different today.

As you can see there is only one tit on this bridge.

'With the stall stripped bare by the locals, I need help.

'Luckily, an English speaking inmate took pity on me

'and offers to take me inside to get some even fresher produce.'

How much time do you spend in the garden?

-Eight hours.

-Hmm?

-Eight hours.

-Eight hours a day?

-Yeah.

Edith is one of 80 or so prisoners who can spend some of their time

tending to the vegetable patches in the barbed wire enclosed compound.

This is a former convent and it has a large garden.

This is a very lovely place, Edith.

-Yes, this is our paradise.

-Your paradise?

-Yeah.

What do you grow here?

A lot of tomato, green peppers...

Now wait a minute, I've got a list, I just want to check!

I need to have a look and see...

Do you have...melanzana?

No. We grow melanzana, but they're not ready.

-They're not ready?

-No.

-Oh, no!

Do you have...patate?

-They're not ready.

-They're not ready!

-No.

-OK.

-Pomodori? Tomato.

-They're not ready.

Luckily Edith was able to find me some things that were in season.

Let's hope that the fisherman cook can make use of them.

Hiding down here is a cat.

There is a cat hiding down here.

-You like that?

-Yep. Is there a cauliflower I can have?

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Marvellous. OK.

'I've got the fresh vegetables and now it's time to get hands on

'with the fresh seafood.'

-That ought to do it.

-OK. Give me advice now as I come along.

-Wash the ink off it.

-We wash as much of the ink off as possible.

-We slit the eyes.

-At the back. Oh, gosh, there's a lot of ink.

-Why's there so much ink?

-It's bleeding all over the place.

It's not alive, thank God, and any vegetarians at home, it's only a squid.

It's interesting though, we are working to a pretty strict deadline here.

There are genuine fishermen who have been fishing and who won't go,

"There's some guys over from the BBC messing around, we're happy to wait." They're not happy to wait.

-What are you doing?

-I'm stirring. I'm stirring, I'm sort of...

-You're stirring?

-Yes, why? What does it look like that?

It's the simplest task in the kitchen.

I was just going to say, I'm removing beaks and you're stirring?

I know and I'm not even doing this well.

You go home from Venice with a degree in stirring and I go home

from Venice with a degree in dismembering cuttlefish.

-Hey!

-Hey! Ciao!

How are you? Buongiorno. My name is Rory.

Try it, it's lovely. Try that. I stirred that.

I want you to tell me if you like it.

It's got your signature. The texture...

The texture of it is incredible, isn't it?

And what is your contribution to this dish?

I admired the layout of it. I bought the bread as well.

You bought the bread and stirred the risotto. You must be knackered.

Griff, you're the one who was going on about food in Venice.

How is this? Has this changed your opinion?

No, this is terrific, isn't it? The point is 90 per cent of the tourists

do not care what they eat,

so why should the restaurants care at all what they serve?

If you really want to eat well in Venice, you have to go to the outlying islands and look for

the speciality and here we are being served delicious food,

made by fisherman for their own consumption.

And it's terrific.

With our bellies full of delicious Venetian grub, it was time to hit

the Canal for the first and last inaugural three men gondola race.

It was evening and the canal was getting busy.

We'd been split into teams.

Griff was with the ladies in red and me and Dara were in the blue team.

I'm actually extremely excited by this.

It is incredibly exciting, isn't it?

It's almost surreal that we are standing in the Grand Canal heading for the Rialto.

-Have you seen the police boat? It's there to stop traffic.

-A police escort. It's just crazy.

It's essentially like having a running race on the M4.

We've got to make sure we don't disgrace ourselves, although Rory

already begins to look like a sort of...

Cornishman on holiday.

The course is simple.

Right down the straightest bit of the Grand Canal and under the Rialto Bridge to finish.

'Since we are novices, it's going to be a rolling start.

'When both boats are neck and neck, we're off.'

Uno, due, tre, go, go, go!

Come on, Rory! Come on!

While Griff's boat gets into a rhythm,

our boat gets into an argument.

-They're all over the place.

-They're not fast enough.

They're not fast enough to keep up with us?

I'm not hearing any uno due here, Rory.

-Uno due...

-You start then.

-Uno...

-Let's get a private uno due going.

Although we've a police escort to try and stop traffic,

gondoliers have priority, so couples on honeymoon weave happily between us.

We are miles behind.

We are not within spitting distance.

We're second, Dara! Don't lose the inner gain.

You're right, we'll still qualify for next year's event.

Rory and Dara have now mastered the technique of air rowing,

which doesn't involve getting the oars wet.

-Uno due...

-Why do you have to make that noise, Rory?

I'm cutting out the "ooh-ee" and just doing the "oh."

I spend every uno looking forward to due.

Griff's boat have found their rhythm.

There is less internal debate going on

and the Rialto Bridge looms overhead.

Rightfully and easily they win,

and take the acclaim from the thousands of tourists looking on.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK?

-OK? Better than OK I think. Bellissima!

-Bellissimo.

Bellissimo, si.

-OK.

-OK!

-Bravo.

-Brava! Grazie mille!

We never really got started in that one.

The uno, the due, I didn't hear any uno due from any of the people.

I have heard a lot of yab yab yab from front to back here.

Tactically this is a disaster. I'm washing my hands of this.

MAN SHOUTS IN ITALIAN We're still in this!

-Tony...

-Tony not a happy man.

No, no, no.

We had one uno, one due and then somebody said tres.

We don't know what tres was.

Tres was a move they hadn't taught us.

THEY CHEER

He's trying to attract the woman!

That's all he's done! He just pulled the boat immediately over and like,

"Hey, how are you doing? Uno due."

This guy's shouting at him.

-Everything all right?

-No!

What's going on here?

You were gone right and we didn't know it had started.

We didn't know it had started! We were getting the wrong signal.

-The wrong signal?

-You were gone.

You didn't hang around. I'm going to talk to the girls because frankly...

Hey, Miguel. Hey, have you met my friend?

He's a very good friend of mine. Have you met him?

Have you met my brother? Have you met my brother?

Perhaps we take these boats?

We do a very good moonlight cruise.

It's killing the game this sort of behaviour.

Three cheers for the red boat. Hip hip hooray!

Race over, we gather for the prize giving on the Danieli roof terrace,

overlooking the Canal and The Doge's Palace

and a time to reflect on the last ten days.

This trip has been quite spectacular

not just because of the wonderful landscapes of Montenegro and the lovely people in Croatia,

but also just arriving here and knowing that as we went further and further

we got more and more into the very heart of boats

and the time when boats ran the world and Venice,

Venice is built on boating and not just here but internationally. You see the feel of it

and all these Venetian cities that we've passed into, whether it was in Split or Dubrovnik,

just to come to that birthplace of all that, come to one of the great naval empires,

I'd say it was enormously important

and so in many ways I think it's the best trip we've done

and the trip that most made sense to a certain extent.

I'm not really sure how we'll top this.

It is quite spectacularly beautiful to be here.

I really didn't think Croatia, the Dalmatian coast, particularly

Ravinia, Pula and Dubrovnik could be topped by anything,

but I'm afraid Venice is the winner. Perfect.

What does this trip mean to me?

Well, I think it reinforced the importance of companionship and it

reinforced the importance of a cultural awareness of where you go

and it reinforced my feeling that I'm only

ever going to get that if I come back through this region

completely on my own, which I intend to do.

So it gives me great honour to present my first ever glass vase

to, I think, worthy winners

Griff Rhys Jones and his wonderful team of rowers.

-I think they truly deserved to win, Dara, don't you think?

-Yeah...

So well done, Griff and Sybil. Well done. Worthy, worthy winners.

Let's everybody have a drink.

There's one little thing. I mean, we think you are worthy winners

because you rowed better and we are prepared to overlook...

we're prepared to overlook the fact that you started before the starting whistle went.

-Tony, I think the word is forbetti, is that the word?

-Bravo!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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