Mum's the Word Millie Inbetween

Grown-ups spend too much time in front of the TV.

They need exercise, like dogs.

I'm going for a run. Are you coming?

No, you're all right.

Sure? I'll go easy on you.

I'm just going to stay here and watch TV.

Mike's been behaving weirdly all week -

sleeping late, eating junk food.

He went the whole of yesterday without whistling a single tune,

which was nice, but definitely not normal.

It's probably just cos Craig's on a French exchange

and he's missing him, like we all are...not!

See you, then.

PHONE BEEPS

Why does Craig have to post about his exchange every five minutes?

"Snails. Yum.

"Frogs' legs, nom nom.

"My plate after I've finished snails and frogs' legs, yeah, boy."

So gross.

I thought this was meant to be a cultural exchange.

Food is cultural.

Not when Craig is eating it.

Mike, is everything OK?

Hmm?

It's ten past ten.

-Work?

-Yeah, course!

As Confucius said,

choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life.

Sure that wasn't Kim Kardashian?

Have a good day. Make people fitter.

You too. Make people...cushions.

Is it just me or is Mike acting a bit weirder than usual?

Mike's just got to teach Zumba today!

I've got 20 turnips,

six sweetcorns and 15 fennel footstools to finish for Friday.

Easy for you to say.

And Mike's taking you on that spa break.

That is the only thing keeping me going.

Roll on Saturday!

Oh, my goodness. That is like...

That is like five days!

Oh, someone run after Mike, will you?

He's left his bag.

Croissants? They're not even French.

THUMP

What's he got in there? Weights?

Oh.

So how's it going?

Nearly done. Oh, thank you.

Got new locks.

State-of-the art electronic motion sensors.

More secure than a bank.

ALARM SOUNDS

What's going on?

It's the new alarm system.

The McKenzies got broken into,

so your dad's gone all security conscious.

Looks like you've got a handle on it.

Don't you worry, girls.

Any intruders come sniffing round here,

they've got to get past me first.

Oh, I think us girls can take care of ourselves.

I know, but you're pregnant and you're delicate and...

very, very strong.

Oh, you're very strong.

I'm sure there's a really good reason

why Mike is sitting under a tree instead of going to work.

I'm just not sure I want to know what it is.

Hey! You forgot that.

No need to thank me...

or my aching arms.

Why are you here anyway? Why aren't you at work?

Mike?

Spider!

Where?

Oh, so you can hear me.

Why aren't you at the gym?

I suppose I ought to confess.

-That sounds bad.

-I just don't know how to say it.

That sounds worse.

It's OK. It's only me.

You know that exercise video

you suggested I make to advertise my classes?

Do I? It was amazing.

Welcome to Mike's Jurassic workout.

Your complete home fitness guide.

Are you guys ready to rock?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

OK, let's begin.

To the side, to the side, to the side, to the side.

And back, and forward, and back, and forward.

And Jurassic jump, Jurassic jump, tyrannosaurus stretch.

Velociraptor!

And I can't take all the credit,

but it was my idea and I did put it online,

so actually I can.

Yeah, why?

Well, it sort of backfired.

What do you mean? It got nearly 1,000 views in the first week.

Yeah, and then all my clients cancelled

-because they didn't need to pay me any more.

-Ah.

So the gym said I'm free to look for other work.

Oh. That's OK, then.

They're letting me go.

Go where?

Millie, I've been fired.

Mike, why didn't you just say!

I don't do bad news.

I'm a good news guy! What's Craig going to think?

And your mum, she's going to be devastated when she finds out

-I haven't even booked the spa.

-Oh, Mike!

I had to go down the back of the sofa just to find

my lunch money yesterday.

Turns out, 37 pence and a handful of fluff doesn't get you very much.

I can't believe I caused all this.

It wasn't your fault.

Well, it kind of was, but...

-I don't blame you.

-The least I can do is tell Mum.

I've got years of experience in giving Mum bad news.

-Mum?

-What?

You know that precious owl ornament that Granny bought you?

Yeah, why?

SHE GASPS

You haven't broken it, have you?

No, no. It's fine.

But I did smash the water jug.

Oh. Thank goodness.

It's all in how you tell them.

Don't worry, I can handle Mum.

Are you sure, Mills?

Yeah, it's no problem.

And this could be a great opportunity for you.

A fresh new start.

OK. You're on.

You got Mike fired?

Shh! No!

But the Jurassic workout was your idea.

Which was a big success.

So successful his clients all left!

OK. So maybe it was a tiny bit my fault.

Whoa, Millie. If I were you, I'd be feeling mega guilty right now.

I've said I'll tell Mum what happened.

So why aren't you there doing it?

I need some good news.

You know, like...

Mike's found another job?

Yes. Only he won't.

Not slumped in front of the telly.

Mike needs someone skilled, patient and clever.

-Hmm.

-I'll find him a job.

-You?

-Yes, me.

Unlike you, who helped him lose one.

Then maybe I can wait to tell Mum.

No. You need to tell Mum before she shows up

for her non-existent spa break.

PHONE BEEPS

Urgh.

How come THAT gets to go to Paris?

He wears his baseball cap sideways.

It's criminal!

"Check out this tower.

"Be cool when it's finished."

Are you still here? Go tell Mum!

Go!

Urgh.

As a person, Mike is...

..friendly, energetic, loyal.

He sounds like a Labrador.

Experience of...

gyms.

Ideal job - gym instructor.

Great(!)

Lauren, OK, now imagine that you're a burglar

and I catch you at it.

Is this convincing?

Honestly? No.

I might die laughing.

It's not a joke.

Until my alarm system's up and running,

I need to be able to protect the house.

Going out on a limb here, Dad.

Maybe you should take some actual lessons.

Do you think Mike could give me some?

I'm sure he doesn't have the time.

It's funny you should say that.

He just might.

The key to giving bad news is to just not think about it.

Just get in there and spit it out.

Mum, there's something you need to know.

Why you think I'm your personal slave?

-What?

-Just dumping your dirty washing in front of the machine.

Who were you expecting to do it, the magic laundry elves?

-I'm sorry, I was...

-Maybe I should just give up my cushion business.

I mean, I'm too busy as it is.

No, no, no. Don't do that.

Listen, I just forgot about it.

I'll do it.

Sorry, Millie, I'm stressed.

I'm just so behind with this order.

I caught up with Mike this morning.

You know, when I was giving him his bag.

-Oh, well done.

-And the thing is what happened was...

Hiya, hiya!

-Mike.

-Oh, hi, love.

-How was work?

-Work?

Can I talk to you? If you're not too tired after your busy day at work!

-You haven't told her?

-I was trying to when you came in.

I'm useless. I've messed up your plans.

Fortunately, I'm not as useless as you two.

I found Mike loads of jobs.

-You told her, then.

-Word's going to get around,

hopefully before Mum shows up at the spa looking for her room key.

She's going to be so disappointed.

Not if you nail another job.

Mike.

Career highlights - go.

I studied sports science.

-Good.

-Gym instructor, obviously.

Let's make that senior gym instructor.

-And before that?

-Before that I was doing teacher training

but I gave that up when I got the job at the gym.

-But you could finish that?

-Yeah, but...

Maybe this is my chance to try something completely new.

Hello, focus.

Mike! Current skills?

Black belt martial arts.

Self-defence expert.

-That's not strictly...

-Mike!

I'm handling this.

You'd better get ready for work.

-What work's that?

-You'll see.

Hold.

Breathe out.

-What's going on?

-Mike's giving Dad self-defence lessons.

Awesome. Can we join in?

For a small fee.

I don't know, kids.

These hands are about to become lethal weapons.

Hey, steady on, yeah?

Before we get to the physical side,

we must learn the proper mental technique first.

Like Jedi mind control.

You shall let me have chocolate for breakfast.

Here we go, here we go.

So, you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.

Totally clear your mind.

PHONE BUZZES

Ahem.

Oh, sorry.

That lizard.

-What now?

-Clothes shopping in Paris!

He's doing this deliberately to annoy me!

Good job it's not working then.

How come he gets to live it up in France

while I'm stuck here trying to find his dad a job?

You can't post anything.

He doesn't know about Mike yet.

Then maybe someone should tell him.

Oh, no, you can't.

Mum will be even more furious if she's the last one to find out.

And whose fault is that, coward girl?

Better go and tell her

because I'm seriously tempted to wipe the smirk off Craig's face.

Oh! Not the shoe department!

MUFFLED SCREAM

I just remembered, I HAVE to tidy my sock drawer.

Coward. You tell Mum or I'll tell Craig.

Hi! How are you?

Yeah, you know, fine.

-You?

-Just looking through the spa brochure.

The infinity pool looks amazing.

Yeah. How about that?

Hmm?

-You can't go.

-What do you mean?

Mike's been fired.

What? Oh, you're kidding!

Oh, that's fantastic.

Oh, tell him congratulations from me.

Yeah. OK, then, bye.

-Laters.

-What?

Oh, hi, love. Everything all right?

Did you not hear what I just said?

Oh, no, sorry, I'm on the phone to Julie.

Her Colin's just had a promotion at work.

What did you want?

-Um...nothing, really.

-Oh, right.

Now should I have the salt scrub or the seaweed wrap?

I don't know. Either sound tasty.

I could have both. Yeah!

I deserve it after all this hard work.

Oh, I haven't been this excited since...forever.

I'm starting to understand why Mike hasn't told her.

Finding your inner stillness hones your senses

and leaves you better prepared for any surprise attacks.

CHIME

ALARM SOUNDS

Dad, again?

I'm sorry, everyone, sorry.

We can do stage two tomorrow. Inner quiet!

Mike.

Good news. I signed you up to a temping agency

and they've found you an office job.

It's just a day at first, but there could be more.

An office job?

Wow.

This time tomorrow I could be wearing a suit

and taking important meetings.

Yeah, we're going to need to hit the ground running with this one,

so bring everything you've got to the table.

This could be a real game-changer.

We're going to PowerPoint the heck out of this.

I was just... I was just...

I was just emptying your bin.

Tea?

Coffee?

Well, how'd it go?

They said they're going to let me know if they want me back.

PHONE BEEPS

They don't want me back.

Well, at least you tried.

Who am I kidding? I'm not a suit guy.

My true fabrics are nylon and Lycra.

You'd better get changed before Mum sees you.

You still haven't told her?!

Ooh, you look nice.

Why are you wearing a suit?

It's his new idea for an exercise video.

Is it?

-Yeah.

-Office-obics.

-Show her, Mike.

-Of course, yeah.

Reach for the files, reach for the files!

Unblock the photocopier, unblock the photocopier.

Feed the shredder, feed the shredder, feed the shredder.

Right, well, let's just hope it's as successful as Jurassic workout.

Millie, you have to tell her!

Look at what you're doing to Mike!

He's a broken man, a physical and mental wreck.

I am, I am.

OK, OK.

I'll tell her.

Urgh, not again.

I can't tell her without a sweetener.

You have to find him a job.

OK. Yeah, now that we're all mentally prepared,

it's time to introduce some physical moves.

Now can you teach us to do that thing where you twist the arm up

behind someone's back and sweep their legs out from underneath?

Because it might really help with Jake at bedtime.

-Hey!

-In time.

First, you must learn to tango.

What?

Dancing is just like martial arts.

If you can dance, you can avoid any potential threat.

OK. Let's do this.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Two, cha, cha, cha.

Good! Cha, cha, cha.

Excellent, Fran. Arms, Tony.

-Use your arms.

-I'm using my arms!

Way to go, Jake. You too, Fran.

Yes! Oh, yes.

I really don't see what this has got to do with self-defence.

Yeah, when's it Strictly Come Fighting?

As Confucius once said, never give a sword to a man who can't dance.

Now, Fran, show me the jive.

Good. Now, Jake, show me the Nae Nae.

Excellent. Now, Tony, show me the rumba.

Oh! I can't self-defend by dancing.

Classes going well, then?

-Mike?

-Yeah.

I found you another job.

Oh, please, no more office work.

I need fresh air, exercise, no bins.

-Perfect. Do you like football?

-Yes.

-Do you like United?

-Yeah.

How would you like to be in the heart of the action on match days?

COMMENTATOR: Fernandez and Adams are at it again!

Oh, my word, now the club mascot's getting involved.

I've never seen anything like this before.

And the referee. The referee has sent off the mascot!

I don't believe it! What a turn-up for the books.

BOOING

WHISTLE BLOWS

He doesn't even like cheese.

He's trying to give you cheese envy.

Nearly finished.

She was trying on one of Mike's sarongs the other day,

ready for the spa. Millie, you need to tell her now!

Why did I ever agree to this?

Let's see, because it was your fault!

Just go in there and say, "Mike's been fired."

If you think it's so easy, then you go and do it.

Fine. Move aside.

-Mum...

-They've cancelled the order.

Three weeks' work for nothing.

What am I going to do?

No.

I could hardly tell her after that.

How upset was she?

The end of Titanic upset.

We're back to you telling her.

Mike's got a new job, right?

So I've got some good news to tell her.

Um...

Not again?

How can any one get fired from a job as a mascot?

I was only trying to help!

I'm almost out of ideas.

Thanks, Lauren, but I've been rejected enough.

Why can't you just finish your teacher training?

What's the point?

At least I've still got your dad's self-defence classes.

I don't know how to say this, but I'm sorry, Mike,

it's just not working out for me.

I don't feel like I've learned anything.

It's probably best if we call it a day.

Yeah, that's OK.

-Thanks anyway.

-Good luck, mate.

What difference does one more firing make anyway?

My bag.

ALARM SOUNDS

Get him!

Keep him down.

We've got him!

Get off me!

Mike?

Why's Mike trying to burgle us?

I've no idea what to do with these.

Do you know, I'm almost too tired for my spa break.

Almost.

Oh, yes, hello, can I confirm a booking for tomorrow, please?

What's the name?

McDonald.

I'm sorry, there's no-one booked in that name.

No, it's definitely booked.

I'm sorry, madam, there's nothing in our system.

Really?

Could you try Taylor?

-Hey!

-Mike's lost his job.

He's been fired.

What?

I can't believe you managed to take out Mike.

That's not easy. I'm a black belt three times over.

You have learned well.

It was so much fun!

I didn't even realise we were learning.

Mike's a really good teacher.

Well, maybe I did learn something and didn't realise.

Can we have some more lessons, please?

Yeah, what about it, Mike?

You seem to be a bit of a natural with the kids.

What did you just say?

You seem to be a natural with the kids.

They learned a lot and they loved it.

You've got a real gift.

That's it! Mwah!

Hey, steady on, mate.

Mwah!

Fran, Jake, I owe you one!

Mum, please don't be too hard on Mike.

I'm just as angry with you two.

It's been a struggle for him.

He's very down.

Hiya!

-Hiya.

-It's OK, Mike.

Mum knows you've been fired.

-Great, isn't it?

-What?

Because now I know what I want to do!

Yes, so do I and it's not dancing.

I want to become a PE teacher.

How are you going to do that?

That's going to take ages, while I sew my fingers to the bone.

I'd almost finished my training before I took my job at the gym,

so a couple more modules and I'm done!

Well, I'm still upset with you,

with both of you, for not telling me.

-Sorry, Mum.

-Sorry.

Luckily for you, I've had some good news of my own.

My old boss at Sunnyshop has agreed to stock all my cushions,

-the whole lot.

-Hooray!

So we can still afford to go away tomorrow!

Actually we can't because I haven't booked it.

Losing your job and not telling me is one thing,

but no-one messes with my spa break!

Ah...

Now this is relaxing.

Really work that seaweed between my toes, please, Millie.

Yeah, work it, Millie.

Your dinner menu - salmon with baby vegetables.

And for dessert?

I thought this was a healthy spa.

Chocolate mousse with double cream?

Perfect.

I never thought I'd be this happy to see a Monday morning.

Mum's spa break was relaxing for her, but I'm exhausted.

Oh, and Coco Chanel is back.

Shift, that's my seat.

Je ne comprends pas.

Je ne parle pas Anglais.

I thought nothing could be more annoying than his posts.

I was wrong.

Hiya! Hiya!

Zut alors!

-Nice shorts!

-Nice legs!

-We like short shorts!

-Nice shorts.

-Dad, what are you doing here?

I mean, I get it, you've missed me,

but you need to get off this bus right now!

Oh, no, it's OK, I got a placement at your school

while I finish my training.

Wow, is that your step-dad?

He is so cute. Sir, can I be in your class, sir?

This is NOT happening.

We can travel in together every morning.

How great is that?

Non!

Well, Craig's French has improved

and Mike's well happy in his new job.

Now we just need to find a new school.