Dream Christmas Millie Inbetween

-# Christmas

-The snow's coming down

-# Christmas

-I'm watchin' it fall... #

Oh! I was hoping it'd be a monkey.

Why would there be a monkey in an advent calendar?

Duh, haven't you heard of Santa's monkey helper?

Christmas, always a new challenge in my family.

Lauren and I are staying at Dad's tonight

before heading off to Mum's tomorrow.

In between, as usual.

Right, who wants to put the star on the tree?

-Me!

-Me!

How about we let Jake do it?

Yes!

-That's not fair.

-Boo-yah!

I got the star, in your faces!

Christmas Eve is my favourite part of Christmas.

It's when my tummy gets all fluttery

and it feels like even miracles can happen.

Oh, not again.

Fran, will you get the scissors?

Though it's usually just daft stuff like that.

No, don't touch it.

-Fran, don't do it.

-Hold still.

Oh, nothing says Christmas like an action movie.

DOORBELL RINGS

And no Millie and Lauren to get in our faces.

Let the days of unlimited food and telly roll.

Oh, who was at the door, love?

You remember my nephew Ollie, don't you?

I wish I didn't.

Oh, nice cardigan, Craigy, did it used to be your gran's?

What is he doing here?

His family have gone skiing,

but he's twisted his ankle so he can't go.

-Poor old Ollie.

-Yeah.

Really kills.

-Skateboard injury.

-You need RICE.

I'd prefer popcorn.

No! Rest, ice, compression, elevation - RICE.

We are going to look after Ollie till they get back.

I don't want to share my Christmas with this annoying little elf!

He does my brain in.

Oh, so you do have a brain?

Sharon, where is the Christmas stash?

I need to stress-eat.

No Christmas stash until tomorrow.

-What?

-What?

-What?

-We're saving it, for when Lauren and Millie get here.

-When are they coming?

-I don't know.

Some time tomorrow.

But the... The candy canes.

And the chocolates.

And the jelly beans.

-Dad, tell her.

-I've got frozen sprouts.

But I can't eat those.

No, for Ollie's ankle.

Anyway, I'll leave you to get reacquainted.

If you need me, I'll be icing my Yule log.

SHOUTING AND GUNSHOTS ON TV

Mate, if you're hungry, I'll make you some cheese on toast.

I don't want cheese on toast, cheese on toast isn't Christmassy,

it's just toast with yellow stuff.

So you're just going to accept that?

Oh, and I suppose skater boy here has a better idea, does he?

Yeah.

ICE. Infiltrate, capture and eat.

Jake, you heard me the first time.

But why do we have to go to bed now?

We can sleep all January.

Because Santa's coming with his little monkey helper.

But mostly because I say so.

And the sooner we go to sleep, the sooner we can open our presents.

Oh, right, calming down now, Rudolph.

Who's more excited, you or us?

(Definitely him.)

Right, well, I'm off to pull Santa's sleigh.

-Goodnight, you three.

-See you on Christmas morning.

I'm so excited!

-Night, Dad.

-Night.

-What's that?

-This?

Nothing.

Says, "To Grandma and Grandad."

It's from the year before Mum and Dad...you know.

Split up?

They cancelled their Christmas visit.

Never came the year after that either.

It seems like forever since we've even heard from them.

They do live in America.

I'm pretty sure they have phones in America.

And the internet. And pens.

Even carrier pigeons.

They travel around.

It can't be easy to stay in touch.

Or maybe they just don't care.

I'm sure that's not true, Millie.

Hey, it's Christmas,

we only get one shot at this a year

and I'm not having you moping and bringing it down.

Yeah, you're right.

See you on Christmas morning.

-Night, Millie. Night, Fran.

-Night.

Infiltrate, capture and...

Eat.

Come on, mate, save some for me.

Mmm.

A-ha! You little Christmas creepers.

It was Craig, Auntie Sharon.

He put me up to it. He said that he'd steal my crutches

if I didn't fetch food for him.

What?! No, I never.

Wait, Sharon, please don't do that.

-It's Christmas.

-We are saving these until tomorrow.

Trust - takes years to build, a second to break.

I know what you're like.

Once you start, you just can't stop.

If I don't do this now,

there'll be nothing left for the girls.

See? This is what I'm talking about.

Even when they're not here, they give you grief.

I will be keeping hold of the key.

Go on. Shoo.

Oh, this is so not fair.

It is my right to eat Christmas food on Christmas Eve.

SHE SIGHS

Wake up. Millie.

Millie.

Wake up.

It's literally snowing on Christmas Day.

-You're kidding me.

-Mm-mm.

It never snows at Christmas.

Come on. There's presents, what are we waiting for?

How much longer is she going to be?

Hey, what kept you, sleepy head?

Yeah, we've been waiting ages.

-Sorry.

-Actually, we've only been waiting for, like, two minutes,

but who's counting?

I am!

And it's been, like, three.

Actually, I think I might go have a shower.

No, no, no!

Wow, did you decorate the decorations?

-Is it too much?

-Too much Christmas is just enough.

-I love it.

-Come on, presents.

OK, well, let's get started.

-First up, we have...Tony.

-Aw!

Socks!

And they're my favourite colour - tartan.

OK, next is...Lauren.

SHE GASPS

It's a new phone! Yeah!

IOY. Happy emoji. Thank you.

Yes. And next we have one for Jake.

A wormery!

Father Christmas must have gotten my texts.

Or his monkey helper.

Mum, can I go outside and dig up some worms?

Have you seen it out there? The ground's frozen.

This is what Christmas is all about.

Being together with my family.

Well, most of them, anyway.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who could be calling on Christmas Day?

Surprise!

Mum? Dad?

Dude! It's totally, like, awesome to see you.

Well, aren't you going to let us in?

We're not digging this cold.

My ponytail's frozen solid.

Aye... Come in.

Here, let me...

You guys came, for Christmas!

Better late than never.

-Right, kiddo?

-Look how much you've grown.

Last time we were here, you only came up to my ankles.

Mum, Dad, this is Amber.

Hi, I'm Amber.

Like Tony just said.

And you're his parents.

So, Amber... Any chance of getting my hand back?

Oh, yes. Sorry.

And this is Jake and Fran, her...our...

Well, my stepkids.

Awesome to meet you guys.

I've got a wormery.

Well, that's one way of saying hello.

And there's my Millie.

Hi.

I have already chosen three names from my worms.

Spaghetti, Noodle and Mr Wiggles.

Man, I really love this kid. He's blowing my mind.

LAUGHTER

It's Christmas and my grandparents are here.

Yippee, right? So why am I not happier?

Why do I feel so upset?

Man, I love your tree.

It's, like, how much more Christmassy can a tree get?

Back at home, we decorate a cactus.

I put a cranberry on every spine.

With one very startled angel on the top.

What's the matter with you?

-I'm fine.

-Yeah, and I'm a reindeer.

Usually we can't shut you up.

I can't believe they've not even apologised

for dropping off the face of the earth.

Well, cheer up, they're here now.

Besides, you can't sulk on Christmas, it's the rules.

Where are they going to sleep?

We haven't got enough food,

we haven't even got presents for them.

They can have one tartan sock each.

You're going to have to tell them about the baby.

Aye, I'm waiting for the right moment.

Millie, why don't you come over here?

We've got you a present.

There you go, honey.

-Thanks.

-Open it.

We want to see your face.

Your grandad carved that himself.

We know how much you love ponies.

Yeah, maybe when I was little.

What's got into her?

I know, we can give them a broken toaster.

A broken toaster's nothing more than a novelty bread holder.

Now just relax.

Relax? This is the first time I've met your parents.

I mean, what if they don't like me as much as they like Sharon?

-Don't be silly.

-Well, what if they don't like Fran or Jake?

Or what if they're allergic to worms?

Calm down, everything's going to be fine. We've got this.

You can't give them that.

Oh, the A-Z Of British Bikes.

-Motorbike oil.

-HE LAUGHS

-How did you know?

-We're big bikers.

Tony must have told me.

But we only got into road hogs when we moved to Arizona.

Oh, nothing beats roaring through a canyon, wind in your hair.

Just us and Mother Nature and a massive motorbike.

Oh, these are such wonderful gifts.

What's wrong with everyone?

All acting like it's so normal that Gran and Grandad rock up

as if nothing's happened.

How's the tea coming on, Mills?

And I can't say anything cos we can't not be happy at Christmas.

Who wants to see my worms?

Oh, you bet!

This is Mr Wiggles.

No, wait, I think that's Spaghetti.

No, I think it's Noodle.

He's the cheeky one.

Oh, aye, I mean, we visited every single state.

Apart from Hawaii, that is.

And now it feels like we've never been away.

Well, you have.

Hey, why don't we all take a family photo with my new phone?

Everyone squeeze together. Millie, sit.

OK. Here we go.

Three, two, one...

-ALL:

-Cheese.

Oh, that's an awesome pic.

Now, make sure you e-mail it to us.

Oh, so you do have e-mail?

-Millie...

-Oh, well, what do we look like?

A pair of old hippies who live off the grid?

Our RV has got satellite broadband.

So why have you never e-mailed us?

Or phoned or sent a postcard...?

Hey, honey, we've been a tad busy, OK?

Too busy for your own grandkids?

I bet you'd have more time for us if we were motorbikes or cactuses.

Technically, that should be cacti.

Technically, I don't care.

They've stayed away for years

and suddenly turn up without even saying sorry.

Millie, you're the one that needs to say sorry.

-Right now.

-No.

They should apologise for not visiting.

I bet they won't even bother coming when the baby's born.

You're having a baby?

You said you'd tell them.

I never found the right moment.

It's OK, Dad, don't worry,

I'm sure they'll be far too busy to visit anyway.

We should go. Clearly, us being here is bad karma.

-Well... Tony, do something.

-Mum, Dad, wait.

Millie!

Wait, don't leave.

What, now you want us to stay?

Millie's made her feelings perfectly clear.

I just wanted you to stay in touch.

Don't you know how upset that made me?

Yeah, well, we have our very own full lives.

Bikram Yoga on Monday,

crystal healing workshop on Tuesdays.

-Bingo on Wednesdays.

-And all of that is more important than us?

More important than me?

The past is history, the future is a mystery.

So let's not get all hung up about it, OK?

I don't want you to go. I've missed you.

Sorry to bother you, has anyone seen my monkey?

SHE GASPS

-You OK?

-Yeah, just a bad dream.

Apart from the snow.

I dreamt that Gran and Grandad came to visit.

Why is that so bad?

It was awful. But I think I've figured it out.

I was only angry because I care.

I felt forgotten, left behind...

..and ignored.

The magic of Christmas.

I've got a Satsuma and a tonne of sweets.

Merry Christmas, Lauren.

Fran, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, you guys.

Presents!

TV SOUNDS

Can you smell that?

HE SNIFFS

That's...

-ALL:

-Roast turkey!

Dad, is this Crimbo or The Hunger Games?

When are Millie and Lauren getting here?

I'll have a word. I promise I'll come back with something yummy.

What are the chances?

-I wouldn't hold your breath.

-OK, we need a plan B.

-You block the toilet.

-How's that going to get us fed?

Oh, it's a distraction, you dummy.

You go and block the toilet, call your dad and Auntie Sharon.

Then, while they're busy unblocking it,

I swoop into the kitchen,

get the food and meet in your room in ten.

Right. Got it.

Wait, how are you going to swoop with your dodgy leg?

Oh...

-I was faking it.

-I knew it!

Impressive. For a annoying dork.

I hate skiing. I'd much rather stay here and stuff my face

than keep planting it in the snow.

Maybe we're not so different.

Result. Garibaldi biscuits and some smelly cheese.

Time for plan B.

And this one is for Jake.

Yes! A wormery.

That's just like in my dream.

-LAUREN:

-No way.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who could be calling on Christmas Day?

Well, don't ask me, I don't know anything.

Why don't you go and find out?

Mum, Dad?

-Hello, son.

-We've missed you.

Gran, Grandad!

-My wee Millie!

-Oh, it's great to see you.

No way!

Sharon, Dad, come quick.

It's overflowing, the toilet! Help, it's gone everywhere!

Ugh! What's he done now?

HE SNIFFS

Christmas is go!

I still don't understand how you managed to flush

both your trainers down there.

It all just happened so fast.

I mean, one minute, they're on my feet, and the next...

I've got to go. Laters.

Admit it, I'm goals.

Yeah, whatevs.

Say it. Say I'm goals, or I'll eat it all.

All right, you're goals.

No, you're goals.

Oh, stop it.

-THEY SNAP

-Hey!

Dig in.

Mmm...

I can't believe that you pulled this off.

It wasn't easy, but I thought

it was about time your argument came to an end.

-What argument?

-It was our fault. We were well over the line, son.

It was my fault.

Oh, face it, Leaf.

We all said things we regretted.

Did you just call him Leaf?

Well, it's his name.

My name's Tony.

Tony is a nickname that you made up at school.

His real name is Leaf.

No idea why you wanted to use it.

-Maybe he wanted to turn over a new...

-Stop it.

Anyway, before your mum and dad...

-Before they, erm...

-Split up.

Aye.

We...

We had a kind of argument.

You see, we thought they should have stayed together for you girls.

And things were said and...

-Well...

-We thought it was best to keep our distance,

so that's why we moved to the States.

But we see now how wrong we were.

And how lucky you are to have Amber.

And they get two Christmases and two birthdays.

Who wouldn't want that?

Well, I should have been more mature.

Parents can be idiots sometimes.

Too right, Leaf.

Don't push it.

Sharon, the girls are going to be a while.

Couldn't we have a little something?

Not that it makes any difference to me, but these are growing lads.

I suppose you're right.

It's not fair to keep you from your lunch, so...

we can all have a little bit.

What?!

Seriously?

There had better be a good explanation for this.

Maybe a fox got through the cat flap.

We don't have a cat flap.

Or got in down the chimney.

Could have been Father Foxmas.

You've eaten the Christmas dinner, haven't you?

And you didn't save me any.

It was Craig, Auntie Sharon, you know what he's like.

Seriously, are you going to keep doing that?

OK. OK, it's...

It's because of my bad leg.

The girls will have had a really nice time at their dad's.

Now they're coming here for turkey bones.

Sharon, I am so, so sorry.

I'm sorry, Auntie Sharon.

And I'm famished.

Not that that is the point.

Look...

Look... I reckon there's still enough leftovers for me to knock up

something pretty delish.

Do you have the slightest idea what you're doing?

You're looking at the school's Junior Mega Chef semifinalist,

two terms running.

Look, you two go and put your feet up,

me and Granny's Cardie can handle it.

Well, this had better be good.

Honestly...

-HE LAUGHS

-What?

And, Jake, this is for you.

A little bird told us you might be getting a wormery.

So we got you a wormery carrying case.

Great! Now I can take them for walks.

And, Millie, Lauren, we've got some cool things for you, too.

Did you mug Father Christmas on the way here?

No, these are all the presents we've been saving up

every year since we saw you last.

You still got us presents?

Even though you didn't see us?

Of course.

Hang on a sec.

Oh, where's she off to?

Yes!

This is for you. I made it the last time

we thought you were coming for Christmas.

It's me and Lauren. Lauren's the one that looks like a pineapple.

And she's the one that looks like a pixie.

Oh, it's perfect.

Oh!

Oh, thank you.

Right, who's for charades?

Yeah. In the dark.

THEY LAUGH

Ta-da!

-Wow.

-You made that from leftovers?

Yeah, and a few bits from the freezer.

So it's a turkey meatloaf with a chocolate and cranberry jus

and a pan-fried medallion of sprouts.

And carrots.

I mean...

hand-sliced, water-boiled carrots.

Do you know, Ollie, I've been watching you

hop round the kitchen cooking,

and I haven't noticed you limping once.

-Er...

-It's a Christmas miracle!

-Yeah.

-Hi, we're home.

Oh, Merry Christmas, girls.

-Merry Christmas, everyone.

-Merry Christmas.

Ollie, didn't know you were coming.

You're just in time for the gourmet feast.

Thanks, but maybe later.

I could not eat another thing right now.

Don't worry, guys, I shall get stuck in.

Mmm!

The tartness of the cranberries perfectly offsets

the sweetness of the chocolate,

creating taste layers that make my mouth sing.

Say what?

It means it's delicious.

Maybe I could try a little bit.

So that's another red letter day in my crazy two-housed family.

Not only is it Christmas, but we found out

that Dad's real name is Leaf,

like we'll ever let him forget that.

And most importantly,

it's the day that Lauren and I got our grandparents back.

And that's kind of the best present ever.

Merry Christmas, everyone!