Hey Baby Millie Inbetween

CRAIG HUMS A TUNE

Someone's a happy bunny this morning.

What's not to be happy about? It is a beautiful day!

The sun is a-shining and the birds are a-tweeting.

HE CONTINUES TO HUM A TUNE

(Is he OK?)

Ha-ha, morning ladies!

You're looking good!

Um, that's us just off to Dad's now.

Yeah, he's got a big surprise for us, apparently.

-Oh, what is it?

-We don't know yet. That why it's called a surprise.

Oh, maybe he's whisking you off on holiday?

Yeah, right(!) He's probably just fixed that leaky tap finally.

Better still, he's fixed the lock on the bathroom door.

Whoo!

I can dream, can't I?

OK, so, what did you want to tell us?

Right, well, we have got some big news that will affect all of us.

Please be sending us to a school for wizards and witches, please.

Has this got something to do with why you've been eating

-pickled onions for lunch?

-Well, yes.

The reason I've been a bit all over the place is because...

-You're pregnant, aren't you?

-What? No way! They're having a baby?

-I always wanted to be a brother.

-You already are a brother.

Oh, loves! So, you don't mind, then?

-Ew, Mum, onion breath.

-Oh...

-And, no, of course we don't mind.

Hiya. What's going on?

I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be acting like this

-if Dad fixed a tap.

-Um, hi, girls.

-Ooh, hi!

-The thing is,

um, we-we-we-we've got some big news.

-Dad, are you all right? Do you need to sit down?

-No, no.

I'm fine. The thing is, well, kind of...

we're...having a baby. That's all, no big deal.

-Right, who's hungry?

-Wow! Dad, really?

-That's amazing!

-But nothing's going to change, OK?

I'll still have loads of time for you two.

Yeah, right. Everything is going to change!

Sandwich, anyone? I feel like peanut butter and goat's cheese.

No, no, you sit down, I will make it.

Dad, this is huge.

No, it's not, it's no big deal. Everything'll be just like before.

Dad, you're buttering your hand.

Oh, I'm so happy and I just... Well, I love you all and I feel...

I feel nauseous.

Morning sickness...

What a bombshell.

I did not see that coming. And neither did Mum.

Having a baby? At his age?

-I know, right?

-Well, good for them, eh?

Well, yeah, I guess...

-Oh, don't be getting any ideas.

-Don't worry.

Cos nappies and no sleep and lugging around car seats...

-It's OK, you had me at nappies.

-Oh, good.

Your dad never ceases to amaze.

And it's great, but why does Dad keep saying nothing'll change

and that he'll still have time for us?

Does that mean that he won't?

And will I spend the rest of my grown-up time with Dad

in a soft-play area?

Now, THAT is a...

-What is that?

-A kumquat.

A kumquat. You're so clever, Shaz.

Have you got a pencil?

In the stationery drawer.

On your right.

No, your other right.

Ah, Sharon.

Thanks-a-mundo!

Yo! Daddy Mac, you're rocking that tracksuit.

Wow, you look great.

See you later, guys.

CRAIG HUMS A TUNE

Have you seen him act like this before?

Because it feels a bit weird.

Now you mention it, he's never quite that pleasant.

It might be a cry for help.

Really? Nah, he's probably just coming out of a ten-year slump.

-What about Zeus?

-No. How about...?

Oh, what are you guys up to?

Just helping Fran come up with names for the new baby.

Except everything he suggests is completely ridiculous.

You're too choosy.

She didn't even like Barnacle or Apollo.

OK, you know what, there is no rush.

We've got months before this baby's here.

You can't leave it till the last minute.

That baby's going to be stuck with this name for the rest of his life.

You are both OK, aren't you, about the whole baby thing?

Of course we are. Why else would we be thinking of baby names?

JAKE GASPS

I've got it! What about Merlin?

Or maybe Liam?

-Hercules.

-I'll put it on the shortlist.

Hi, Craigy.

-You all right, Sharon?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-You fine?

-Yeah.

-Because...

-Well, it's just...

you seem so...happy.

SHE LAUGHS

-And that's a problem, why?

-Oh, no, it isn't.

No, no, not in the slightest.

Good. Good.

Right, well, I'll see you around, then.

Ah, Dad, is Sharon all right? Cos she is acting well weird.

DOOR CLOSES

-What are you drawing?

-An ostrich family.

See, the daddy ostrich has his head buried in the sand.

You're kind of freaked, aren't you? You've not been through this before.

-Through what?

-What I went through with you.

When you're not the young, cute one any more and you've got to share

your mum and dad, and the new baby sicks on your best jumper.

I'm kind of worried about us and Dad.

-He thinks nothing's going to change.

-Yeah, well, he's got a short memory.

And at least when I was born, that was still half a dad per kid.

-Half a dad?

-And now there's Fran and Jake and with the baby, too,

so that's a fifth of a dad, and there are 24 hours in a day,

so that's 24 minus 7 divided by 5.

How much kid-dad quality time is that?

How should I know? I'm not Stephen Hawking!

Look, stop panicking, OK?

Dad's got this.

I wish I was so sure.

You are the cutest.

BABY GURGLES

Dad, can we go out for fish and chips?

Hang on, love, just changing the baby.

Aren't I, eh, little cutie pie?

Yeah, just hold that, Millie.

Good, there you go, and that.

-Sorry, what did you want, love?

-It's OK. Not hungry any more.

BABY GURGLES

But Dad doesn't think these things through, like when we moved.

Only this time it's not about him having room for us in his flat,

it's about having room in his life.

I know what's going on with Craig.

Whoa!

-Are those...?

-Love poems, yeah.

Maybe he's got a girlfriend?

-What are you doing with my book?

-Hello, Craig. I mean...

Somebody's in love.

You snooped...at my private stuff?

I'm sorry, that was wrong, but we were really worried.

-You were so happy.

-Yeah, well, not any more!

It's OK, son, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Who is the lucky girl, Craigy?

There's no-one, OK?

I write songs for other people who are in love,

like a chef cooking food they're not going to eat.

HE SIGHS

He'll be all right. I'll take him out for pizza,

cheer him up and get him to tell me who it is!

Do you think the girls could tell that I was nervous?

Well, the hand buttering was a bit of a giveaway.

-I don't want it to be a big deal.

-It IS a big deal.

Nah... Well, I mean, yeah,

but I want the girls to think that things'll carry on like normal.

What are you doing?

-Plunging.

-You sit down, I'll do that.

You know, Jake drew me a picture

of him paintballing with his little brother.

He does know there's a 50% chance it'll be a sister?

Look, I've made the baby some booties out of my old phone cases.

OK.

So, you know when Dad wires up a place and has to test the circuit?

-We need to do that to him.

-Plug him into the mains?

What? No, test him.

Because he doesn't have the first idea how it'll be.

So, what if he blows a fuse?

Then he'll realise he doesn't have all the time in the world

and he'll make sure he has some for us.

OK. Serious face. You're right.

I'm betting Dad won't crack but let's stress-test him anyway.

How?

We need to push him as far as we can.

Start off small and see where it leads us.

And if we get desperate, there's always this.

A Midsummer Night's Dream.

I'll explain later.

Hey. You must be exhausted.

-Here, let me help you.

-Oh, well, thanks.

I mean, I'm not that pregnant but, hey, spoil me.

Can me and the baby go to the park?

He's not even been born yet, Jake.

When he's born, can we go to the park?

Oh, and swimming. And the cinema. And play football.

Hey, how about we let your mum rest for a wee bit, eh?

Come on. Oh, and, Jake, you do know that the baby,

well, it might be a girl?

Tony, are you saying that girls can't play football?

No!

(Keep your voice down.)

-RAPS:

-When I see you in class, yeah, I think you look...classy...

-RAPS:

-If I said you look great, would you think I was sassy?

Yeah, actually that's not...

Oh, come on, Dad, do I not get any privacy?

Oh, no, I just came to see if you wanted to go for a pizza later,

or I could help you bust some rhymes?

-I don't need help.

-Mate, come on, it's me.

Spill.

OK. Her name's Sheena.

Hair like silk. Eyes of emerald green.

Voice like a gently flushing toilet.

-Does she know you like her?

-No.

Why would a girl like that want to go out with me?

I mean, obviously my awesomeness would just make her feel insecure.

Any girl would be lucky to go out with my boy.

I'm going to help you write a love song that will melt Sheena's brain.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Hey, Jake. Psyched about the new baby?

Yeah, and he might be a girl.

Right, that's sorted. Now, I'll fix that lamp in the bedroom.

-Hey!

-Hi, Dad. Could you wash this for us?

What's wrong with the washing machine at home, love?

-Craig tried stone-washing his jeans, but with real stones.

-Oh.

And don't forget to separate the colours from the whites.

-And pin our socks together. We keep losing them.

-I'll get on with it

-right after I've...

-Any chance of a cup of tea?

-Aye, love, coming up...

-Two sugars and just a pinch of salt.

-Thanks.

-Aye, love, aye.

-Tony?

-Just one minute, Jake, OK?

And don't forget the fabric softener.

-And I need new school shoes.

-Her feet are literally out of control.

You don't want me growing up with squashed toes.

-Tony, Tony, is it all right if I...?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

-Cool.

PAGER BEEPS

Tony, Tony, I've just had a call-out.

-Where did you put my bag?

-Hallway.

-Thanks.

Ooh, and I need to take some photos of you later for a school project.

OK, love. Sure. Whatever you need.

So, it's cup of washing, tea machine, pin socks together,

shoes, project. Right.

Sure we got the right size?

I'm pretty sure. You tried on every pair in the shop.

Well, now I'd better make a start...

He's coping well so far, but we haven't brought out

-the big guns yet.

-I told you so.

There's more than enough Dad to go around.

He's got this under control.

Ah, no!

Oh, Dad, how much powder did you use?

Tony, we need to talk baby names.

I read that it's bad luck for a baby to be born without a name

-or at least a shortlist.

-Can we talk about this later, Fran?

Jake, what have you done?

-Is that a Smurf?

-I was painting my room, and I had a little accident.

Who said you could do that?

You did. I wanted it to look nice for the baby.

-Come here.

-Oh.

-Oh...

He's cracking like an egg.

-No way. Dad has still got this.

-OK, then, school projects.

You first.

Dad, would now be a good time to do my photos?

Aye, sure, just snap away.

OK, the thing is, I kind of need to dress you up a little bit.

Aye, well, we can do that.

So, it's a photo essay on how clowns have feelings, too.

You'd make the perfect model.

Who? A clown? Me?

-Oh, no!

-What now?

I've got a part in A Midsummer Night's Dream, and I forgot.

I need a costume.

OK, Lauren, I'll do your pictures

as soon as I'm back from getting Millie a costume.

But the shop is shut, and it'd be so much better if it was home-made.

OK, right, I'll make your costume, Millie,

pose for your photos, Lauren, feed Amber's weird food cravings,

clean up Jake and then sort out the kitchen.

And choose baby names with me.

Just call me Superdad.

Do you think you can put me in the washing machine?

I've got to hand it to him - Dad's raising his game,

but this is a pushover,

and nine months from now, he will not know what's hit him.

He-he-he... Hello!

BABY CRIES

Oh...

BABY CONTINUES TO CRY

And there you go.

Daddy Ostrich needs to pull his head out of the sand NOW.

-Here we go.

-Oh, good for Craig.

A girlfriend.

Not quite, but he and I cooked up a great plan.

He's going to go public outside school tomorrow.

-Go public?

-Yeah, I know. So romantic.

-My idea.

-Right. And if she turns him down?

-Or laughs at him?

-Craig? Be serious!

If it goes wrong, he'll never live it down.

Life isn't a romcom, especially not at secondary school.

-Well, kids forget.

-Kids have phones...with cameras.

-I haven't thought this through, have I?

-No.

If it's a girl, Hermione. If it's a boy, Harry?

-You're still up?

-Couldn't sleep.

I'm still trying to choose the best name for the baby.

I've managed to whittle it down to characters from Harry Potter.

I know this baby feels like a big change, but...

..I mean, you really are OK about it, aren't you?

I just want to feel a part of the whole thing, like I'm involved.

You and Tony are going to be the baby's mum and dad,

and I just want to know what my role is.

You've got the most important role of all.

You're Big Sister. You've got to be there to lead the way

and give advice and be a shoulder to cry on.

And choose the baby's name?

-On one condition.

-What's that?

We're not calling it Dumbledore.

AMBER LAUGHS

Now, come on, off to bed.

Tony...

SHE GASPS

It's for Lauren's school project - the tears of a clown.

It took hours.

Every pose imaginable. My back's killing me!

You're so good. Are you coming?

No, I've got to make Millie a quick costume for Midsummer Night's Dream.

But that will take you all midsummer night!

I can't let my girls down.

I promised that I'll always have time for them.

Have you ever actually used a sewing machine?

No, but how hard can it be?

They're very lucky to have you, you know.

And so am I.

Oh! Go round. The other way!

-Morning, love.

-You've definitely spoken to Craig?

Yes, of course I did. I set him straight.

You sure? Because, you know, tough love isn't exactly your speciality.

Trust me on this. I said,

"Craig, you must not declare your love for Sheena."

Good for you, Mike.

-Right, I'm off. Wish me luck.

-With what?

Sharon, today is the day that I declare my love for Sheena.

I'm going to tell her right in front of everyone.

I tried. Honest!

TONY SNORES

Dad...

Dad, did you finish my costume?

Mm... Of course... I finished around 6am.

Oh, it's OK. The machine came off much worse than me.

After all that and he still didn't crack.

What did I tell you? He's as hard as nails.

-Here you go, love.

-What's this? I'm playing Puck.

I know. Puck's a fairy. I looked it up.

Puck's a hairy fairy with pointy ears.

-Won't this be all right?

-No, Dad. It's totally wrong.

-Wait a minute, there's still time. He could make it again.

-Again?

-Make it again?!

-I think we just found breaking point.

I don't have the time. There just aren't the hours...

Hours in the day. Yes, Dad, NOW you get it!

And it's going to be a whole lot worse with the new baby,

so things WILL change.

I haven't been to sleep, and now I've got to go to work,

and I've got to take Amber for a checkup.

-Anyone fancy making me waffles?

-There's Fran and Jake...

Where's our packed lunches?

Whoa, weird clown alert.

I forgot the lunches. Right, I forgot, I forgot...

Wait, wait... Um... Er... Er...

Pickled onion sandwiches?

I'm sorry, girls, but you'll just have to fend for yourselves.

When push came to shove, he just didn't have time for us.

But we did push him to breaking point.

But maybe now he'll realise that things won't be like before.

I guess your plan didn't work. That's good, right?

Yeah, but I was kind of hoping I'd be wrong.

What's HE up to?

Ah...

Sheena.

Yeah? Kevin, isn't it?

No, Craig. I sit next to you in Maths.

And English.

And Science.

We're in each other's form room.

-We were at nursery together.

-What do you want?

What is he doing? Oh, no, no, no, Craig, no!

Sheena...

-RAPS:

-When I see you in class, well, I think you look classy.

GIRLS GIGGLE

-RAPS:

-And when I see you after school, I think you look well cool!

Oh, you've got to be kidding me. This is going to be brutal.

GIRL: What a loser!

-Don't walk away from me.

-RAPS:

-Make your steps slower.

-RAPS:

-Just wait till you get to know me. I'm a bit of a grower.

Wait, sorry to stop you.

Kevin, are you asking me out or something?

And what if I was?

Can't believe I'm going to do this.

If you were, I would have to tell you how I wouldn't go out with you

if you were the last microbe left on Earth.

But carry on.

-Hey, watch it!

-Oi!

-First, you steal my poetry book,

and then you read it out in front of everyone?

How could you do that, taking credit for a poem that I wrote?

That's YOUR poetry book?

For a minute there, I thought Kevin was trying to ask me out.

-No...

-HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Poetry! What a loser!

-Don't push it. You are unbelievable.

-GIRL: Who even IS he?

Millie! Millie...

PUPILS LAUGH

I knocked it up. There's a whole bag of scrap stuff in the wardrobe.

It's a werewolf-elf mashup.

-Ta-da! Instant Puck.

-PHONE CAMERAS CLICK

Dad, you're such a star.

Face, Dad, face!

Get away from school!

At least we're here to pick up the pieces.

You owe me, big time.

So, Craig, how did it go?

How did what? Oh, the asking out.

-Yeah, you know...

-Total omni-disaster.

Turns out she's a complete dappy who can't appreciate raw talent.

Very raw. Like, totally uncooked.

So, all in all, it was perfect.

What? Were we in the same place?

Tell me, how was it perfect?

Well, I now know what it feels like to be turned down.

CRAIG LAUGHS

And I can write songs about it... first-hand.

-And I can help.

-No.

Thanks. But if that pizza offer still stands, eh?

So, Dad came through. Just.

Which means my plan failed, and he still thinks he's Superdad.

Ah, how's my Mizzy Millie Moo? I always used to call you that.

Yeah, when I was, like, three.

You got off lucky. He used to call me Lauren the Sporran.

It's still not funny.

Oi!

So, I hope now you realise things won't be the same

when the baby comes.

Aye, you're right. I've only so much time and energy,

and I'll have less of them for you two.

But there's one thing that doesn't get smaller the more it goes round.

-A cold?

-No.

Love.

The reason I wanted to be a dad again

is because it was so brilliant the first time, and it still is.

-He is right.

-You listen to Lauren the Sporran.

-Dad...

Hey, baby's first selfie.

THEY EXCLAIM

It could be a girl...or a boy...

-or an alien.

-But does it look more like a Hermione or a Liam?

Looks more like a jelly bean.

Well, I think it looks like your dad.

-What, fuzzy round the edges?

-Man, I'm exhausted.

Even my toenails are tired.

If any of you need me, I'll be right here.

But first, I'm just going to have a little...

I'm just going to have a... have a little nap.

He said he was going to make me an anchovy cheesecake.

Oh, well, I suppose I could do it, as long as you guys help.

Come on.

-JAKE:

-Mum, what's an anchovy cheesecake?

Sleeping like a baby.

So, everything is up in the air again, but, on the bright side,

I'll make a ton of money baby-sitting.