Millie Goes Bad Millie Inbetween

So, basically, I'm talking, like, party.

It's going to, like, be the swaggiest legit,

so it'll be totes edgy, you know?

Erm...

-What will?

-No idea.

Why is the fourth most popular girl in school talking to us?

Still, it's good for our bus cred.

ETHEREAL MUSIC

And that is Liam.

Fran thinks no-one knows that she likes him.

Everyone knows.

So, basically, do you want to come?

-Come where?

-To my party.

Basically that I've been telling you about.

Did you not even notice my face moving?

Your party? As if. Millie's way too much of a goody two-shoes.

SHE CHUCKLES

Actually, yeah. I'd love to come.

Cool, cos it'll be out of control.

You're going to Chloe's party?

Why would you even invite you?

She's hardly said two words to you before.

She senses we're the cool kids of tomorrow?

No way. She's totally in... Wait.

What do you mean "we"?

-You're coming too, aren't you?

-Who says I am?

-This could really up our profile.

-I don't want a profile.

-ETHEREAL MUSIC

-Hi, Liam.

Oh, yes, you do.

Well...OK.

I'll come. IF my mum says I can.

-And what about yours?

-I can handle my mum.

I didn't know you knew that lot.

Aren't they a bit...wild?

It'll just be a few of them. Us.

I mean, it's probably just pizza and movies.

Well, if you're not back too late.

Is this cray-cray Chloe's party?

-Why? What have you heard?

-Nothing!

-You haven't heard anything.

-It's a pool party.

Oh, I didn't know they had a pool.

They don't. They're going to dig one.

And Frank McKinney's going.

What, the one they call Flaming Frank?

Yeah, but he hasn't set fire to anything for months now.

Well, apart from Mr Webster's socks.

-What do Chloe's parents think?

-Erm...they won't be there.

I don't blame them.

Her older brother's in charge,

but he mostly just stays in his bedroom playing online.

Honestly, the house could burn down and he wouldn't notice.

Yeah, I don't think so, love. Sorry.

It's not really your sort of thing.

Well, let's be honest, you're far too...sensible!

"Sensible"? Wow, thanks.

SHE SIGHS

Sometimes, Mark, a parent must be prepared to be unpopular.

Really? But what if they don't like you for it?

Hold it right there. That is for the school bake sale.

Ugh...

Sensible? I am not sensible.

99, 100...

done.

OK, maybe I am a bit. But where does that get me?

Trampled on, while the others get what they want

by being totally unreasonable - like Craig.

DOORBELL RINGS

Come on, son, minicab's here.

Promise you'll take me to Drum World.

You know I can't do that, mate.

Well, then, I'm not going.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Please, Craig, we'll miss our train.

Oh, come on, you know Granny's looking forward to seeing us, hey?

-Craig, I will not stand for this!

-CAR HORN BEEPS

Oh, mate, don't go...

All right, I promise.

It's not pretty, but it works.

And Lauren, well, she's even worse.

Literally all of my friends have suede dungaree dresses!

This is a violation of my fashion rights!

When ketchup hits suede, it's game over.

Can I get in there, please?

No! Cos I locked myself to it!

I am a suede suffragette!

SHE SIGHS

They're both shameless.

Right - "sensible" is not going to get me to that party.

I need to raise my game.

I need to go bad.

There. Now the toothpaste will go crusty.

I can't. It's just not me.

SHE SIGHS

-LAUREN:

-Did you hear Millie got banned from going to Chloe's party?

Yeah, I know. She's such a loser.

Right!

HIGH-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC

There, I've done it now.

Mum has created a monster - me!

-Hello, mate.

-Hey, Mum.

Hi, can I go to a really dodgy party tomorrow with Millie?

No, I thought not. I'll tell her you won't let me.

Hang on, hang on...

What's dodgy about it?

There are no parents - just a big brother with giant earphones.

-That sounds all right.

-No, it's going to be really wild.

Oh, I went to a few wild parties in my time.

Did I tell you about the one where I was in a barrel

and this boy jumped over me on his moped?

He had lovely hair.

Mum, I don't want to know! And that is SO irresponsible.

Well, if you can't go off the rails a bit when you're young...

I don't want to go off the rails or do anything in a barrel.

Millie will look after you.

And maybe it's time my kids went a bit wild, eh?

-Mmm!

-AMBER CHUCKLES

Here we go, Mike's magnificent superfood salad.

I put extra sunflower seeds on.

Mmm(!) Hold me back.

-SHE GASPS

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh! Hasn't anyone ever told you? Ketchup actually ruins suede.

Urgh!

Drop it!

Step away from the cake.

What have you two got to say about the state of the bathroom?

I've told you 100 times not to leave it like that.

-What? It wasn't me.

-Or me.

-Oh, so you say.

-So, who was it, then?

-It was Millie.

Ha! Yeah, right, nice try.

Clean it up, or you are grounded for a week.

-Mum!

-Whoa, Sharon...

-Yes, I went there! So, go on, march.

So unfair! You always blame me for everything!

Mum, it WAS me.

Oh, look, it's very kind of you,

but don't take the rap for her because she doesn't deserve it.

Oh, never mind, sweetheart. Accidents happen. I'll clear it up.

Can you make a start on the washing up, please?

No! Do it yourself.

Millie's right. She's always doing the washing up.

-It can probably wait...

-Ugh!

They're so used to me being a doormat

that they can't see my inner badness.

I've got to go further...

MUCH further.

Jake, what have you done to your room?

Not room, Mum - moon cave. You said we should be a bit wilder.

I meant Fran. You're wild enough as it is.

I'm sorry, love, but this just isn't on.

But it's my moon cave.

Seriously, who covers the walls of a rented flat with papier-mache?

Brought us another batch, Commander.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Never thought I'd say this, but I want to learn how to be you.

Sorry, Mill, just can't teach this effortless supercool.

Oh...

Ha. I don't want to be cool.

I want to be bad.

-You? Goody two-shoes?

-Yeah, me.

I want to know how to drive grown-ups over the edge.

You haven't got it in you, Millie.

That trashed bathroom? Yeah, that was me.

You know my rate - £10 an hour.

I'll take five minutes.

OK. First...

..you've got to give them the silent treatment.

You've got to give them the ice face.

Good. Good, now, shut your mouth and keep it shut.

"Millie, can you tidy your room, please?"

"If you tidied your room, love, you'd be able to find things."

"Millie, if you don't tidy your room now,

"then...you're going to be sorry!"

"OK, I'll give you £10."

Good. Now, chuck us that mag.

-This one?

-Ha! Game over!

Oldest trick in the book, that, mate.

Hmm.

Well, that's fine, if you've got all day.

I'll teach you my way... if you clean the bathroom.

But Mum told you to do it. That's not fair.

You know what's not fair? Life isn't fair.

Is it? When you think about it.

Is life fair?

Well, yeah, I think it is quite fair.

Is it fair that Craig had to pay for that haircut?

Is it fair that you can't go to the party just because Mum says so?

-Is life fair?

-No, life is not fair!

-Craig, is life fair?

-No, not really!

-Life is not fair!

-So, altogether, then...

ALL: Life's not fair! Life's not fair!

Life's not fair! Life's not fair!

Life's not fair!

So, come on, get mad, because literally you have nothing to lose.

OK. OK.

Erm...should I get mad now?

Yes, now!

Let me go to the party,

or do you want me to be a tragic loser forever?!

Throw something!

Oi!

Woo!

Breakthrough. So, here are your weapons.

Fire and ice.

Ice - stone face.

Fire - war face!

Welcome to bad.

Look out, Mum!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You're not ready for Mum.

I'd do a warm up on a softer target.

-Mike?

-Not that soft.

What about your dad?

Rough kids, loud music, hoverboards...

Sorry, Princess, it's a no from me.

Fire and ice. I almost feel sorry for him.

Right, who's for a cup of tea?

Millie, love, tea?

Tea and a bickie?

Hot chocolate and a jammy doughnut?

OK, maybe I was a bit too hasty...

No. Come on, Millie, let's go.

What are you doing?

I need to be in there where he can see me ignoring him.

You're right, we shouldn't take this lying down.

My turn. I'll soften him up for you.

What's this bumpy thing in the middle of your back?

-My spine.

-Right, so use it!

Don't let Millie go to the party.

It doesn't matter if she gets mad at you.

Millie...Millie's mad at me?! Why? What did I do?!

-Millie, love, is everything all right?

-No!

What gives you the right to say what I can and can't do?

-Er...I'm your father.

-Well, why won't you let me grow up?

The thing is, you won't like it, Mills.

-You're far too sensi...

-Don't say it!

OK, as far as I'm concerned, you can go.

Thanks!

Now all you have to do is call Mum and tell her that you said it's OK.

You said yes?

What happened to backing each other up?

Oh, she got angry, did she? Oh, poor you(!)

All right, she's just come in.

I'll call you back later - if you're unlucky!

Stop...taking advantage of your dad.

Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

-Dad said I could go to the party.

-So I hear.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's still a no.

But Dad said yes!

Here's how this works - a no-no is a no.

A yes-no is also a no.

Only a yes-yes is a yes.

-Yes?

-No! No!

You are not going, and that is final!

-DOOR SLAMS

-Ugh!

It's Bad Millie versus Mum.

Oh, Mum's tough, all right.

Those eyes... Ugh.

But Bad Millie is just getting into her stride,

and she's got a party to go to.

ROCK MUSIC

-Millie's mum's forbidden her to go.

-Well, I am not her.

You have my permission, and that is final.

And you won't let me turn my room into a moon cave.

-Now, that's mean.

-If you don't want to go, then just tell her.

Why do I have to be the bad guy?

You're my mum - that's your job.

-TABLET RINGS

-Erm, Fran...

-Not now. It's not fair.

It's Liam.

(Who's Liam?)

Hi, Liam.

'Hi. You invited me on a group chat but there's no-one else here.'

Isn't there? I'm sure they'll be joining us soon.

ALARM RINGS

Seriously, you've alarmed the cake? Why are you not trusting?

-I mean, you blame me for so...

-I'm not blaming you.

I'm blaming the selfish, stubborn one.

-Oh, come on, I didn't even eat...

-I don't even mean you.

She means me.

Oh, it's the silent treatment, is it?

Oh, hello, ice face.

Well, Lauren didn't even speak to me for a whole week once.

I didn't even notice - I thought she had laryngitis.

Yeah, Sharon, can I have a word, please?

Place your hands in the ice-cold water.

It will address your emotional balance.

Plus it's good for your nails.

And, as the Buddha says, you will not be punished for your anger,

but you will be punished by your anger.

Oh, he had teenagers too, did he?

Remember, how you talk to your kids becomes their inner voice,

so don't shout.

No, you're right.

Lean in and whisper - it's scarier.

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

-SHE GASPS

-Your hands are so cold!

-Are you even human?

-I can't believe you won't let me go.

Everyone will laugh at me.

Oh, we're speaking now, are we? Ice face melt, did it?

I just want to have some fun.

You know, the stuff that makes your kids happy.

What? What do you mean? I like fun. I like vegetable cushions.

I'm going to that party, and I don't care what you say.

No, you are not. Not while you're under my roof.

Well, I have another roof,

and at least Dad still remembers what it's like being young.

-Young? You're acting like a baby.

-Cos you're treating me like one.

Did you just stamp your tiny little foot?

See? Could you be any more patronising?

-Oh, don't you know some big words!

-Ugh!

Look, you're not ready for this, and I am just warming up.

Now, I'm going to give you a way out and you'd better take it. OK?

Right, you've made your point, love. Maybe we can have a party here soon.

Yeah, well done, Sharon. Guess what? You really showed her.

Yeah, Millie, it's over.

And I thought you were the sensible one.

Yeah, you're right, and I've only just realised why.

Oh, why's that, then?

Cos when you and Dad were fighting all the time, someone had to be.

Don't be daft!

Back then, you were acting like a kid and I was the grown-up.

Do you know? I have had enough of this.

Go to your room, please. Without your tea.

Fine! I'll just have this.

Give that back.

Sure. Catch.

MUM GASPS

-'Funny how no-one else showed...'

-I know, right?

'OK, well, you hang up first.'

-'No, you hang up.'

-No, you.

-PHONE RINGS

'Got to go. Bye.'

-Hi, Millie.

-Hi.

I'm just calling to say that I can't come to the party.

If you want to go, I don't mind.

That's OK. If you're not allowed to go, then I won't go either.

OK. I'll see you later.

Bye.

You've got to know when to be firm, Mike.

Your kids need to respect you first and like you second.

I'd say you've achieved that.

Oh...I sound like my mum.

Oh, Mike...

Is Millie right?

Did we lean on her too much?

Well, is it nature or nurture?

Which came first - the chicken or the road?

I mean, Millie was always going to be a Millie,

otherwise she'd be, like...a Betty.

Right... So, what do I do now?

We could always try my way.

What, just bury my head in a cabbage smoothie?

-LAUREN:

-Mum...

Mike's right.

You're kind of overreacting.

Oh... What about my cake?

Well, bits of it are still OK.

It's just a shock coming from Millie.

Mmm. You've got to cut her some slack, Sharon.

Yeah, plus you'll have the element of surprise.

See, a wise general always does what her opponent least expects.

Can I come and see your moon cave?

I can't stop you. And it's not a moon cave any more.

You know, what this room really needs...

..is lumpy walls.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. You're right.

How can I let Fran be wild and not you?

Just try and keep it off the ceiling, yeah?

Wicked!

And when you get bored of it,

Space Commander Tony can help you scrape it off.

When would I ever get bored of it?

-When you start being interested in girls.

-Ugh, yuck! No, yeesh!

SHE EXHALES

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Come in.

Well, that was pretty horrible.

-Right, here's my offer. Are you ready?

-Ready.

-One, scrape up what's left of my cake and tidy the kitchen.

-OK.

Two...

-..you'll bake me another one before Friday.

-OK.

-Three, take back "I'm no fun".

-I do.

Four...

be home from the party before 11.

What? You mean I can go?

That's what I said, isn't it?

Or am I not allowed to change my mind?

So...it's a yes-yes?

And that's a proper yes.

Wow. I did not see that coming.

PHONE RINGS

-Hi, Mills.

-'Guess what?'

We can go to Chloe's after all.

Fran?

You know what? The truth is I really don't want to go.

No-one will talk to us, and we'll just stand there like planks.

Oh...OK. No problem.

-'You should have just said.'

-Thanks.

Only, Liam's going, and he texted me

'asking if you were.'

Who? Liam? Did he? I mean, who cares about Liam?

OK, whatever.

'See ya.'

And three, two, one...

-PHONE RINGS

-Hi, me again.

Now that I think about it, I'd better come too.

Otherwise I'd only worry about you.

Great. Wild party, here we come.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

Sorry. Excuse me.

Fran!

Fran, I think I'll call Mike for a lift.

So, if you were a packet of crisps, what flavour would you be?

-Don't know. Cheese and onion?

-Me too!

And what about pizza?

So, basically, it's my mum.

She wants to talk to you.

Hello, Mrs Fraser.

GLASS SMASHES Yeah, everything's fine.

OBJECTS CLATTER, LAUGHTER

-Hi. You're back early. How was it?

-Awful.

They were too cool to dance, and the toilet broke,

and Chloe broke up with her boyfriend,

and I found out why they invited me.

-Why?

-I can't tell you. It's too shaming.

I hate to say this, but you were right.

Why did you let me go?!

You knew she'd hate it, didn't you?

You're actually a lot sneakier than I give you credit for.

Thanks!

So, someone broke the toilet, which flooded next-door's kitchen,

and then they called the police.

-HE GASPS

-No!

But then Frank McKinney barricaded the road with wheelie bins.

Not Flaming Frank?

And then set fire to them. It was mayhem.

So how did you all get home?

Mike smuggled us out through the sewers.

Oh...

You have no idea when you're having your leg pulled, do you?

What?! You mean the whole... The guinea pig and the catapult?

-I was making it all up.

-Fran!

Apart from the toilet breaking.

Anyway, it was rubbish.

-PHONE RINGS

-Ooh! Someone called Liam.

Hi.

Amazing party, wasn't it?

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Knock, knock.

Go on, why did they invite you, then?

Just so they could tell their mum a sensible kid was coming.

Oh, Millie...

It's not funny!

Can you never get away from who you are?

Oh... It's hard.

But, you know, being sensible,

it's not necessarily the opposite of being wild.

True, and being wild isn't necessarily the same as having fun.

Sorry. I should never have said yes-yes.

I guess I have to make my own mistakes.

After all, you made plenty of them.

Oi. Cheeky!

It's true, you know.

Your dad and I, we did lean on you,

and you shouldn't lose out because of that.

But PLEASE, go back to being you.

Well...it is a lot less effort.

For both of us!

OK, so, being bad is not my style,

but, in a weird way, being good means you can get away with more.

Pretty deep, eh?

So maybe I did get stuck with the sensible gene,

but I won't go down without a fight.

-Morning.

-Morning, love.

-ALL:

-Morning.

-It's cool.

-It actually suits you.