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Transcript


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I've just been going through this crazy dry spell.

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I try talking to women, but it's like I reek of desperation.

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And it's not that I'm a sexual novice.

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I lost my virginity at 16, a year below the national average.

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The fact is, I'm a nice guy

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and women only want to get with bad boys.

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Know what I mean?

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Oh, yeah. Sorry.

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So, the dissolution of the monasteries...

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This programme contains some strong language

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This programme contains adult humour

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-Alice, I'm bored.

-Shh, get on with your homework.

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This isn't homework. You're making me do your tax return.

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Yeah, so you can learn maths.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Sebastian, tuck your shirt in. What will your new tutor think?

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All right? Sorry I'm late.

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I came straight here from Latitude.

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-Are you Nicola?

-Yeah.

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But my mates call me Neck, cos, you know...

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SHE GLUGS

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So, who's ready to learn Spanish?

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I hired you to teach English.

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Oh, thank Christ, cos I do not know Spanish.

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But hey, never turn down a job.

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SHE RETCHES

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Where were we?

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This dry spell is getting out of hand.

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My condoms keep passing their expiry date.

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Why is it so hard to meet someone?

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Maybe cos you spend all your time with kids and live with your mum.

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-Could be a factor.

-At least you're not a live-in tutor.

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My kid's parents are never not fighting.

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Plus, Bella's always on my case - "Oh, teach me, teach me."

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It's like modern-day slavery.

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But you live in Kensington.

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Yeah, in an attic, like some Victorian madwoman.

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How is this my life? It's all right for you guys to be failures,

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but I was privately educated. No offence.

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How could that not be offensive?

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Hey, at least it's just a stopgap.

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We'll move on better things.

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Ha!

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What's that, mate?

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This was my stopgap job...

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to pay the bills while I wrote my bestseller.

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Now, ten years on,

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instead of sipping cocktails with Salman Rushdie,

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I spend most nights shouting abuse at my pet lizard.

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Keith, just cos you screwed up your life doesn't mean we will.

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You want an image of your future?

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Take a good look.

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MAN: Keith, someone's pissed all over the bathroom floor!

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HIP-HOP MUSIC

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hi, Paul. Sorry I'm late.

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There was this crazy guy on the bus singing the whole of Cats,

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so I went a few extra stops.

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Crumbs, Neck, I meant to e-mail you.

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Simon's away at the moment,

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on holiday with his mother and her new husband.

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I don't know why I do that. She and Hector are legally married.

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Right, I'll...head off, then.

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You know, it's funny -

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I gave up my career to spend more time with my family.

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Turns out they don't want to spend more time with me,

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so it's just me here now, on my lonesome.

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-Sounds shit. So...

-Oh, no, it's not all doom and gloom.

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I've been playing Call Of Duty on my son's PS4.

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You can play online, which is fun.

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Although I do keep getting called a fag by American teenagers.

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Oh, they'll do that.

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Oh, shit. I could have done with that 30 quid.

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I'll have to tell my landlord I'm in hospital again.

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What's more believable, car accident or scurvy?

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I mean, I could, erm...

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I could pay you to spend the hour with me.

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I'll be frank, I've been rather starved of company of late and...

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we could play Call Of Duty.

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You want to give me money to play computer games?

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As long as you don't call me a fag!

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PEACEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

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-How is this a lesson?

-You're learning about the muscular system.

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-This isn't fair.

-Here's a lesson - life's not fair.

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If it was, Daddy wouldn't have been imprisoned for doing a tiny bit of

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major fraud and I wouldn't have to scrape a living with dumb kids.

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-I'm sorry.

-Apology accepted.

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Now...

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MAN AND WOMAN ARGUE

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Jesus, get a divorce!

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Daddy says he booked a trip this weekend

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to save their twisted husk of a marriage.

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Oh, sweet! So I get the whole place to myself?

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-No, I'll still be here.

-What, they're not taking you?

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No. Mummy says I remind her of the body she used to have.

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Oh, great, so now I have to be your baby-sitter, too?

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God, my life is torture.

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I didn't say stop.

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-MAN:

-You shrew!

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-WOMAN:

-I hate you! I hate you!

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-MAN:

-You murdered my heart! You murdered my heart!

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I need to end this dry spell.

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Last night, I got a semi watching Poirot.

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In my defence, that murdered girl was stunning.

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Just do what normal people do, pick up some randomer in a bar.

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I hate bars, they're like meat markets and I'm, you know, Quorn.

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Hey, there's someone for everyone.

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Not true.

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Sometimes you don't find anyone and end up buying a reptile just so

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there's another heartbeat in the house.

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Mate, do you mind?

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Point is, you never know what life has in store.

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I'm off to play Call Of Duty with a middle-aged man.

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-You're seeing that weird dad again?

-It's a sweet deal.

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He gives me money for my time and company.

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It's like I've invented a new job.

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Very much the oldest job.

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I mean, you do realise you're basically an escort?

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Fuck off! It's not like a sex thing.

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-Oh, it's a sex thing.

-Oh, it is. It's definitely a sex thing.

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-There's a creepy older guy...

-He is not creepy.

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I mean, his dressing gown did fall open a couple of times,

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but he swore it was an accident.

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-Shit. It's the Ag Hags.

-Who are the Ag Hags?

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They were, like, the most popular girls at St Agatha's. If they turned

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against you, you'd have an eating disorder by lunch.

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-Oh, aren't you going to say hi?

-Are you insane?

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Find out how crap my life is, I'll never live it down.

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-O-M-G, Alice!

-Shit.

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Hettie! Lucinda!

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Oh!

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Haven't seen you since we left St Ag's!

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-How the fuck are you, babe?

-Genuinely incredible.

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Yeah, my life is exactly how I wanted to be.

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Oh, I'm so glad to hear it.

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We and the rest of the gang are wondering where you've been.

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Well...just got really into pills.

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Went to this really sweet rehab clinic in Switzerland.

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Oh, God, I missed this.

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They seem awful.

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I wish one of them would have sex with me.

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Right, mate, we are going out tonight.

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Neck, I don't want to go trawling around bars

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like some blue-balled tug boat.

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OK, fine.

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GIRLS LAUGH

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School was so jokes. Like, best time of my life.

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Even when you wet yourself in ceramics

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then hid your tights in the kiln?

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Lucinda! You're such a bitch!

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What are you up to these days, Alice?

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Pfft. Not really doing the whole job thing,

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more like, living off the 'rents, loving life.

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-A-standard!

-That's weird, cos I heard that your dad's in jail

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and your family is, like, bankrupt.

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Pfft, hardly. I actually just bought a massive house in Kensington.

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-Oh.

-Oh, congrats.

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You'll be having a house-warming, then.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, definitely. This Saturday.

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-It's going to be mental.

-And I assume we are invited?

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-Um...

-O-M-G, you have to invite us, Als.

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If you don't, we'll tell everyone you're now morbidly obese.

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Of course you're invited!

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To my house in Kensington that I definitely own,

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in which I'd obviously be allowed to throw a party.

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I look forward to a memorable evening.

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GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS

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I like to pretend those German snipers are Hector.

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Try bedding my wife after you've been blown up by my proximity mine,

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-you Nazi!

-Oh, I keep getting killed!

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Try crouching while you shoot.

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-How do I do that?

-Give the L-2 button a squeeze.

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Here, let me show you.

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Mate, is this a sex thing?

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God, Neck, no!

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That would be completely inappropriate.

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And what with my marital woes,

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-I've not been able to maintain an erection in five years.

-Oh, good.

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I mean, not the erection thing.

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Listen, you should just see me as an older man who happens to give you

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money to spend time with him. What's so strange about that?

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-Kind of all of it.

-Oh, I suppose you're right.

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It's just nice to have someone to hang out with.

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Last week, I flooded my own toilet

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-just so I could spend time with the plumber.

-Wow!

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I feel really bad for you that your life's so shit.

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I guess this isn't that weird.

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Tell you what, I'll stick around.

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-Really?

-Sure!

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Cos when I see a fellow human in need,

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I have a duty to help them and I'm going to do whatever it takes

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to cheer you up!

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Gosh, Neck, that's so kind of you.

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I mean, you'll keep paying me, right?

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-Absolutely!

-Cool!

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Neck, I appreciate the moral support,

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but I don't know if I can do this.

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All the men here have shirts and...haircuts.

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Come on, pal, you're a real catch.

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Ah, Francis! I very much hope you have intercourse tonight.

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-Who's this guy?

-Paul.

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You know, the weird dad?

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-I'm cheering him up.

-And doing a top-notch job.

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It's lovely to be out of the house.

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Also, I've just met this charming young filly

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whom I may proceed to woo.

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Probs don't call her a filly, then,

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or use the word "woo".

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But what if I embarrass myself?

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Mate, if Paul can chat someone up,

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then you should at least be able to get a half-hearted handjob.

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Thanks, Neck. You're right.

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I am a catch!

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Hello.

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One good thing about living with my mum

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is I have a very powerful shower.

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Hello!

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Bottled beer. Good choice.

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Much harder to spike.

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I mean, a lot of women are having pre-emptive surgery these days,

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because you can get breast cancer at any age.

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I'm so sorry. I don't know how I got onto that.

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ASIAN ACCENT: I am most honoured to meet you.

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So sorry, I'm not racist.

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I'm just very nervous.

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HE GRUNTS

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I don't know anyone who's died of cancer, but I'm sure I will.

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You know, I'm probably going to die of ca... Fuck's sake...

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CONTINUES GRUNTING

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Made it worse, didn't I?

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Mate, that is the worst thing I have ever seen

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and I once saw two pigeons who were fucking get run over.

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I'm officially giving up.

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I can't take any more rejection.

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Come on, this place is bangin'. Even Paul's making headway.

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Argh!

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I was just wooing you!

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I should check he's OK.

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Hi. Sorry, I've been watching you strike out

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-and it's genuinely impressive how bad you are at this.

-Thanks.

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But you keep trying. You're like one of those inflatable clowns -

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no matter how many times you get punched,

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you just keep popping back up.

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Yeah, it's official - I'm going to die alone.

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Well, I think it's cute.

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OK.

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-Can I...buy you a drink... of alcohol?

-Might be an idea.

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I am most honoured... Yeah, let's get that drink.

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Her name's Sabina and I think she might be the one

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to end my dry spell.

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Plus, I'm pretty sure it's not like some messed up sex game

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where she takes you back to hers and it turns out she has a husband

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and they lock you in a cupboard and you have to listen to them

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having sex for two hours!

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It'd be really unlucky for that to happen more than once.

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Alice, do you mind if I invite Paul?

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Obviously. It's meant to be a cool party, not a sad dad convention.

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Come on, mate, he's in a really bad way.

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First, he got Maced by a filly

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and then his ex-wife called to say his son might not be his.

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Fine, but he's not allowed to talk to anyone.

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Ooh, caviar!

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-I thought you were broke.

-Yes, I am, but the Ag Hags can't know that.

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Why are you so desperate to impress a bunch of clowns

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who play polo and fuck their cousins to keep the bloodline pure?

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Because, someday, I'll get back to where I'm meant to be,

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and, when I do, I don't want people knowing

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I was some shitty little nanny.

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-Alice, can you help me with my homework?

-I'm talking to my friends!

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Wait, the kid's still here?

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-Yeah.

-Doesn't that mess up the whole secret party thing?

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Oh, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

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Neck, do you mind?

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Oh, my...

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-Mmm...

-Mmm...

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Wow, you're perfect!

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You're not so bad yourself.

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Now, let's end that dry spell.

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Oh, please, God, yes!

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THEY CHUCKLE

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Wait, wait, wait, wait!

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Look, there's something you should know about me.

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Whatever it is, I don't care.

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Well, you might care. I kind of have this fantasy...

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-Ooh, kinky!

-It's kind of strange.

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-I like strange.

-Sort of a role-play thing.

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Role play's cool! I can be a sexy...farmer

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who's all sweaty from milking cattle and getting EU subsidies.

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I can't get turned on unless my partner is dressed up...

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Great.

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..as a baby.

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-A baby?!

-Like, a human baby?

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I mean, she seemed like a normal woman, apart from fancying me.

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Oh, that is so messed up. What did you do?

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I asked if I had to wear the nappy.

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There was a nappy?!

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She seemed pretty set on it, so I pretended to have IBS and left.

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Oh, mate, I genuinely thought you were going to get some.

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Plenty more fish in the sea.

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Yeah, the thing is, I'm thinking, maybe I keep seeing her?

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-You mean...?

-Shag someone in a nappy.

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Maybe the nappy is negotiable.

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I mean, there's compromise in every relationship.

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You'd still be boning a baby lady.

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But she's cool and funny and fit,

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and just because she has one slightly alarming kink,

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does that mean I should just throw the baby out with the bathwater?

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And yes, I immediately regret using that phrase.

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Francis, it sounds like you really like Sabina, so,

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maybe you should give things another shot.

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-Yeah?

-Definitely.

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-Right, Neck?

-Sure.

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Oh, thanks, guys.

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Yeah, you're right. I'm going to go call her.

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You promise it's not too weird?

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-Nah.

-No way.

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It IS really weird, though, right?

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Oh, the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

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What am I going to do about Bella?

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I can't have the Hags finding out I'm some loser tutor.

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-No offence.

-Not bothered.

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Took a couple of tranquillisers an hour ago, so I'm golden.

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Why have you got tranquillisers?

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Phase two of my mission to cheer up Paul -

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enough drugs to knock out a horse.

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I also got him skunk, ecstasy, LSD,

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you know, a good starter pack.

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You've got to be careful with that stuff.

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I don't want you OD-ing and fucking up my party.

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Actually...you got any spare tranquilisers?

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Do you need Mummy to change you?

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Is everything OK? Oh, is it the IBS again?

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No, no, it's just...

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maybe for now, we can hold off on the baby stuff.

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Like I said, I kind of need it, otherwise I can't...

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Well, I was thinking perhaps, uh, we could compromise.

0:15:110:15:16

So, you're clearly into age differences, so I thought,

0:15:160:15:18

instead of me dressing as a baby, you could dress as an old woman.

0:15:180:15:23

Yeah? I've got some props.

0:15:230:15:24

I could call you Doris and you could reminisce about rationing

0:15:270:15:31

while I pumice your corns. That's a euphemism.

0:15:310:15:34

Francis, I thought you were cool with this side of me.

0:15:340:15:37

Oh, yeah, super-cool with it.

0:15:370:15:38

Still, you've got to admit the baby thing is quite,

0:15:380:15:41

-well, not weird, but...

-I knew this would happen. This always happens.

0:15:410:15:44

Nothing's happening.

0:15:440:15:45

There's a difference between fantasy and reality, Francis.

0:15:450:15:48

Why don't people get that? I'm a member of this forum

0:15:480:15:51

and there are two Nobel prize-winners on there.

0:15:510:15:53

I completely respect that.

0:15:530:15:54

I want to believe you. I just really hoped you were someone

0:15:540:15:57

that could see past it.

0:15:570:16:00

I think...I think maybe you should leave.

0:16:000:16:02

Mind if I take the wig?

0:16:060:16:07

It was, like, £35.

0:16:090:16:11

Expensive.

0:16:120:16:13

I'm buzzing for this.

0:16:310:16:33

Finally, a chance to let my hair down.

0:16:330:16:36

Your hair's never up. You had a rave last night.

0:16:360:16:38

-What's wrong with you?

-Sorry, it's all this Sabina stuff,

0:16:380:16:41

but I think I've got one more chance.

0:16:410:16:43

I begged her to come tonight.

0:16:430:16:44

I need to prove I don't think she's a freak.

0:16:440:16:46

She is a freak, though.

0:16:460:16:47

Yeah, but a really hot one who I think I might love.

0:16:470:16:50

Love is a cruel illusion.

0:16:500:16:52

I thought you said you were going to get into the party spirit.

0:16:520:16:55

Last night, I drank a whole bottle of Famous Grouse

0:16:550:16:57

and watched Finding Nemo three times.

0:16:570:16:59

Mate, this party is going to turn all that around.

0:16:590:17:03

Let's just say it'll expand your horizons.

0:17:030:17:06

-Why would we say that?

-Guys!

0:17:070:17:09

Welcome. Help yourself to drinks.

0:17:090:17:11

I mean, stay clear of the champagne, I'm not made of money.

0:17:110:17:15

Nice hair.

0:17:150:17:16

Thank you, yeah. It took 16 cans of hairspray to get it like this.

0:17:160:17:20

-So, where's Bella?

-In bed.

0:17:200:17:21

I slipped a couple of tranquillisers into her cocoa.

0:17:210:17:23

Right. Isn't that a bit...wrong?

0:17:230:17:26

I put her in the recovery position.

0:17:260:17:28

Now get in there and have some fun!

0:17:280:17:29

MUSIC: Waiting All Night by Rudimental

0:17:320:17:35

This party's not bad. Who are all these people?

0:17:460:17:49

Oh, I got them from an agency.

0:17:490:17:50

-They're extras.

-We prefer "supporting artists".

0:17:500:17:52

Whatever. Get back to work.

0:17:520:17:54

Can't have the Hags realising I've only got two friends.

0:17:540:17:57

Hettie!

0:17:570:17:58

O-M-G, your place is amazeballs.

0:17:580:18:01

Those French doors are tres epic.

0:18:010:18:04

I have to admit, I'm impressed.

0:18:040:18:07

Oh, hey, where's your bathroom?

0:18:070:18:08

I was paying the cab driver and I accidentally touched his hand.

0:18:080:18:12

Oh, sure thing. It's just through there.

0:18:120:18:14

Wow!

0:18:180:18:19

-What?

-Considering you grew up with those guys,

0:18:190:18:22

you should be way more of a dickhead than you are.

0:18:220:18:25

MUSIC CONTINUES

0:18:260:18:27

Having fun?

0:18:300:18:31

Do you think it's possible to die of loneliness?

0:18:320:18:34

Right, Paul, don't take this the wrong way,

0:18:340:18:36

but your problems are really boring,

0:18:360:18:38

so shut up and take this LSD.

0:18:380:18:41

-Sounds a bit dangerous.

-Come on, how can this be bad for you?

0:18:410:18:44

They've put a smiley face on it.

0:18:440:18:46

-Who's "they"?

-Best not to think about that.

0:18:460:18:50

Listen, mate, from what you've said, you've got nothing to lose anyway.

0:18:500:18:53

Hmm?

0:18:530:18:54

Oh, any sign of baby lady?

0:18:560:18:58

Shh! She might be the only person

0:18:580:19:00

who's ever willing to have sex with me.

0:19:000:19:02

Oh, my God, there she is.

0:19:020:19:04

Sabina!

0:19:060:19:07

Hey, baby... Not baby.

0:19:070:19:09

Hi, Francis. Look, I almost didn't come, but I thought we should talk.

0:19:090:19:14

Look, you're a really nice guy...

0:19:140:19:16

Er, don't, cos I've got you a surprise.

0:19:160:19:18

Francis, whatever it is, I...

0:19:180:19:20

-Are you wearing...?

-I think I need Mummy to change me.

0:19:230:19:27

LAUGHTER

0:19:300:19:31

How are you feeling, mate?

0:19:330:19:35

Wonderful!

0:19:350:19:36

The rabbits are everywhere.

0:19:370:19:39

But it's cool. We have an understanding.

0:19:400:19:43

Also, each of my fingers has its own hand on the end of it.

0:19:430:19:48

Cool.

0:19:480:19:50

-Mmm.

-Mmm.

0:19:520:19:54

Put this on, put this on.

0:19:550:19:57

THEY BREATHE HEAVILY

0:19:590:20:00

-You are full of surprises.

-Ready for your next one?

0:20:040:20:06

Yeah.

0:20:060:20:07

I feel weird.

0:20:100:20:11

What's this?

0:20:120:20:14

-What is this?

-Everything's fuzzy.

0:20:140:20:16

-Is this what you think I'm into?

-What? No, no, no, no!

0:20:160:20:19

-This isn't the surprise.

-You monster!

0:20:190:20:21

Sabina!

0:20:230:20:25

HEAVY DANCE MUSIC

0:20:260:20:28

Nick, I'm concerned that I might be, as they say, freaking out.

0:20:360:20:40

The rabbits don't like me any more.

0:20:400:20:42

They don't hate me, but I feel they could turn at any moment.

0:20:420:20:45

Just ride it out.

0:20:450:20:46

Whatever you do, don't imagine that you're already dead

0:20:460:20:50

and have been for years.

0:20:500:20:52

I think I'm going to be sick.

0:20:520:20:54

This party is amazing. The Hags are loving it.

0:20:550:20:57

Hettie even says she might be able to swing me a job

0:20:570:20:59

at her dad's law firm.

0:20:590:21:01

I wouldn't have to be a fucking tutor any more. Again, no offence.

0:21:020:21:06

-I'm happy for you, man.

-No, stop! Just let me explain!

0:21:060:21:10

Sabina, please!

0:21:100:21:11

I bought a rattle! That was the surprise!

0:21:110:21:13

DOOR SLAMS

0:21:150:21:16

MUSIC STOPS

0:21:190:21:20

It's fine, everyone. He thought it was fancy dress,

0:21:200:21:23

so we can all go back to having a good time, right, Hettie?

0:21:230:21:26

Alice, who are all these people?

0:21:310:21:33

And what are they doing in my house?

0:21:330:21:36

Er, if this isn't your house, then why are you having a party here?

0:21:360:21:40

Alice is my tutor. She lives in the attic.

0:21:400:21:42

Well, this is turning into a very memorable evening.

0:21:420:21:47

Why is that baby so big?

0:21:470:21:49

Why is that baby so big?!

0:21:490:21:51

Aargh!

0:21:510:21:52

GLASS SMASHES

0:21:520:21:54

We're going to go. Erm...

0:21:590:22:01

Do you want to...pay us now, or...?

0:22:020:22:05

Cheer up. You'll be moving on to better things soon.

0:22:060:22:10

Oh, go tell it to your lizard.

0:22:100:22:12

Naomi and I aren't speaking at the moment.

0:22:120:22:14

She knows what she did.

0:22:140:22:16

Any word from Sabina?

0:22:190:22:20

Still won't answer my calls. The dry spell continues.

0:22:200:22:23

Maybe I should become a priest,

0:22:230:22:25

make this whole no-sex thing seem intentional.

0:22:250:22:28

So, Bella and I came to an arrangement.

0:22:280:22:30

If I just do everything she wants me to, pretty much forever,

0:22:300:22:33

she won't report me to her parents or the police.

0:22:330:22:36

Well, if it helps, I had a great night.

0:22:360:22:38

-It doesn't.

-Oh, I've got to go and teach some Russian kid

0:22:380:22:40

about soil erosion. Neck, are you heading my way?

0:22:400:22:43

No, I'm going down the aquarium with Paul.

0:22:430:22:45

Why are you still hanging out with that guy?

0:22:450:22:47

I guess I feel a bit bad I got him so high.

0:22:470:22:50

He did lose a lot of blood.

0:22:500:22:51

I just thought we should...hang out with him, now and then.

0:22:510:22:55

I appreciate that.

0:22:550:22:57

You seem cheerier!

0:22:570:22:58

A lot of that's the morphine.

0:22:580:23:00

Who wants to help me change my dressing?

0:23:000:23:03

How is this my life?

0:23:070:23:08

MUSIC: Pantalon by Kornel Kovacs

0:23:140:23:17

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