Man Like Mobeen Comedy Feeds

I don't have to apologise for terrorism.

This programme contains adult humour

-AMERICAN NEWSREADER:

-And cities such as Birmingham

are 100% Muslim, non-Muslims are banned from living there.

I'm just out here to remind people of George W Bush...

It sounds to me like a hotbed of Islamic fundamentalism.

..and the neo-conservatives' illegal war on anything darker

than four pints of milk.

What's going on in the...

And these cities are patrolled by Muslim militias ready to use violent

force on anyone not dressed in appropriate Muslim clothing.

I'm just a normal man, trying to heal social fractures

and make the world in which we live a better place.

And that's why you call me

Iron Man.

I call you Ironing Man.

-Mm-hm.

-You're just like Auntie Shagufta from Pakistan,

but with less facial hair.

Mm-hm, that's me, baby.

Mob! Open the door, man.

-Wax!

-Wax?

White puffy jacket, a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

Always on Muslim Tinder.

That's the guy...

How d'you know about Minder?

Cousin, cousin...

Cousin.

Wax, what d'you want, man?

Right, today is the day you stop avoiding Uncle Buj.

Right, them other crews,

they won't even deal with anyone else except you.

And it's proper losing him money, man.

You are actually make him look quite bad.

Listen, why are you harassing man at home?

I done told you already, I'm out the squad, bro, OK?

-I'm trying to follow Deen now.

-Dean?!

The gora that lives at number 127?

The one that sells the fake Timberlands and the e-cigarettes?

What has Dean done for you that Uncle Buj hasn't?!

Deen, as in Islam, dozy!

You would've known this if you'd come to mosque classes with me

instead of listening to Britney Spears' first album, innit?

Yeah, but that's a good album though.

-It's all right, I'm not going to lie.

-# Hit me, baby, one more... #

-Shh, shh!

-..time.

-Stop all that.

I'm out.

What? It's not Argos, bro.

You can't just quit.

You'd better be seeing Uncle Buj by tonight otherwise.

Otherwise?

-You know.

-What's he going to do, finger my temple?

It is going to be more than just a fingering, bro.

That's not the first time you have said that to a man with a beard, is it?

Listen, man. I'm just trying to gauge the threat level, innit?

-Threat level?

-Yeah.

Try Richter scale 7.2, bro.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Aks!

-Do you want me to go upstairs and get the gun

-you keep under your bed?

-Shut up!

That's my little sister you're talking to.

-Shush, please?

-Why is this girl so strong, man?

Wax, put the gun away and give me a hand with this.

Grab the handle, yeah, grab that.

This is the armed police!

Stay right where you are.

Drop to the floor, hands on your head.

You or me?

You, bro.

Drop to the floor now!

We have reason to believe that you have also been harassing local women

via dating apps...

-How do they know that?

-..like Minder, Muzmatch,

and Salaam Cupid.

I'm not on that one.

Oh, my days.

You're just like your jacket, you are.

Manufactured by Asians and extremely thick.

MOBEEN LAUGHS

Why are these girls so aggressive, man?

Anyway. Safe, Wax, yeah? Bye.

-Yo, Lumbo.

-Yo.

-What's going on, man?

-All right, how are you?

-Listen, bro, man,

I need to put this misconception to bed, yeah?

People say that cos we're from the ends and we speak the way we do,

that we can't all rate in any other way.

Let me tell you this, bro.

I'm very proud of my roadman vernacular,

but I can mix it up as well, baby.

Watch this, yeah?

Elaine, absolutely delicious recipe for those almond cupcakes.

They're so wonderful. Just like you.

Haha! You see how we do this, Lumbo?

Whee!

Yo, you could have been a Fed, you know, Saira.

Woop-woop, it's the sound of the police.

Woop-woop, have you made the sandwiches?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Clock's ticking, yeah, Mobs?

Tick-tock, do you hear that?

You better Lync Buj by the end of today, yeah?

Otherwise your sisters, yeah,

they're going to be looking for a new dickhead brother.

I said it. Dickhead.

Don't make me get a rent a crew on this.

# I ain't gotta talk no more Cos soon as I walk in the door

# Everybody stops doing what they're doing

# Don't know what they're pausing for, don't know what they're gawping for

# Bad boy from the LDN What the world's been calling for

# Been balling for And your girl gets wet. #

Well, what you saying, Eileen?

# Get with the programme, I got the flow and... #

Eileen, sexual harassment in the workplace is a crime! Behave yourself.

# I'm gripping the Trojan Never gonna get caught slipping

# Never gonna get caught tripping Never too soft. #

SHOUTING

Neville, Fergus,

not again, man!

Snap his arse off and stick it up his arse!

Gah!

No, don't do that, don't do that!

The thing is, if Wax and Buj weren't after you,

someone else would be.

I mean, it's like you say.

Don't hate the player,

hate the gays.

Game.

What?

It's, "Don't hate the player, hate the game."

Yeah, that does make more sense.

Basically, I was a middleman between Buj and all these crews up and down

the country, man. I used to run things nice and smooth,

violence free, almost. They used to call me The Counsellor.

Because you gave them wise counsel.

And cos I grew up in a council house.

But anyway, forget all of them things there, bro.

I need your advice, man. You're like my Yoda.

The safety of the girls is my priority,

I'm trying to follow my faith but if I don't join the crew again,

these men might kill me, you know, it's that serious.

You need to seek salvation by finding a place that's important to

the community, a place that's got plenty of security.

You mean...

Sports Direct?

Oh, don't be so fucking stupid.

They did all right with your rubber ring, innit?

Sorted your haemorrhoids right out.

We've got to find you a place where these unsavoury characters

can't get you.

In his book the Art Of War,

the great military strategist Sun Tzu said,

"good fighters first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat."

Oh-ay, oh-ay, oh-ay.

Now, tell me, Moby...

Yes, Cyril?

Have you got my weed?

Yes, I've got your flipping weed, Cyril.

Listen, I ain't supposed to be doing this, you know, bro.

I'm trying to stay legit and that, but you did say this is for

-medicinal purposes, right?

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

What are those medicinal purposes, again?

Oh, don't get bogged down in specifics.

The main thing is, I've got me sandwich and I've got me Pringles.

Yeah, yeah, just take it easy when you smoke that shit this time, yeah?

I don't want no phone calls at 3.30 in the morning saying,

"There's a wolf in my shower cubicle and Ethel next-door is performing

"an exorcism." I ain't got no time for that.

Wait a minute! These sandwiches, they're just...sandwiches.

What the hell's going on?

Listen, man, I put that weed in those sandwiches this...

Oh, SHIT.

KNOCK ON DOOR

THUMP

BOTH: Oh, shit!

Yo, Lumbo, keep the camera still, man.

-Hey, Moby.

-Yo.

-What's going on with your family situation?

Well, my mum's gone back to Pakistan indefinitely and that, and yo,

the Navy SEALs that tracked down bin Laden couldn't find my pops,

I'm telling you this. But listen,

I'm here looking after the girls, it's my responsibility.

Although I get treated like Geoffrey the Butler from Fresh Prince.

Even though I'm Will Smith, baby!

I'd even take Carlton, you know.

The safety of the girls is my priority,

I'm trying to follow my faith but if I don't join the crew again,

these men might kill me, you know.

-Mobeen!

-What the F...?

Oh, Wax, man.

You had plenty of warnings, bro.

Time to go see Uncle Buj, come on.

I ain't going nowhere, man. What are you going to do?

What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

Fingering the temple, bro.

No, listen, bro. I'm not scared of you, yeah, so I'm going to go home.

-All right, yeah?

-Not scared of me?

Not scared of me? Are you scared of the crew?

ENGINE REVS

Oh, shit!

Yeah, that's what I thought, didn't I?

Come on. You're coming with me, man.

Finally beat you, Mob, didn't I?

I finally beat the great Mobs.

You know what the best thing is?

It's not even loaded!

Oh!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mobs.

I didn't know.

I'm... I'm sorry, bro.

I'm sorry.

Aah!

This arsehole shot me in the arsehole!

Oh, man.

My arse is smoking, and not in a remotely sexy way!

Aaah.

You lazy, lazy, wasteman.

Lying around in the daytime, get up.

I've been shot, man.

We've all got stuff going on, Mobeen.

D'you realise when I settle down with the love of my life,

they're going to have to witness this scar on my booty

every single night?

I'm sure he won't mind.

They turn the lights off pretty early in prison anyway.

Mum should've hit you a lot more when you were a kid.

Your boy Cyril sent you this.

Give me that! At least someone's taking care of me, innit?

Don't worry, Mobs, you still have your dignity, yeah?

No-one can take that away from you, bro.

-You don't look happy.

-Woop-woop, do you want an adult nappy?

Get out of here, you tramps.

POP!

AIR HISSES OUT OF RUBBER RING

My life is whack, man!

Oh.

# I've found myself in a sticky situation

# Yeah

# A sticky situation

# Ooh

# I said a sticky situation

# A sticky situation

# Yeah now I'm all alone

# Without my heart leaping... #

HE GIGGLES

# Sound like a dog without a bone. #