Life after Death Doctors

It's only a dinner party, but this is Heston,

so it can't be just a dinner party.

It has to have a theme.

Murder mystery, Dickensian, or blooming teddy bears' picnic.

Ooh, murder mystery, that sounds fun!

Yeah, well, it's given Mrs Tembe the willies.

She was fine for the dinner date when I spoke to her last week

but this morning when I mentioned Heston's silly themes, she's

started talking about early nights and getting into a routine.

Oh, no, no, no, you can't let her back out on potential romance,

not after everything she's been through.

At least she's got a life.

Some of us have got washing-up and dud light bulbs.

But I was thinking, could we have a Hula-Hoop session?

That was a laugh.

-Oh, I wish...

-I've got home visits.

Karen, that light bulb in the corridor is still flickering,

can you get it seen to, please?

And I have to get these medical supplies over to the campus

shortly, relieve the temp.

All go, isn't it?

Find it?

Yeah, but I couldn't lock your car, though.

I think there's something wrong with it.

It was fine this morning.

Maybe you didn't press the button hard enough.

I'll go and have a look.

Hey, hello!

Yeah, welcome back!

How you feeling?

Yep, I'm fine.

Valerie, honestly, mate, I'm fine.

We did not expect you back so soon.

I'm not back. There's an insurance form on the server.

I forgot to do it. It'll take me ten minutes.

I'm presuming Jimmi's room is still...

Someone's suppressing.

Maybe you should have a word with him.

Me? Why?

Because someone should, and Jimmi's not here.

He just said he was fine...

What's more important?

Your car, or the emotional wellbeing of a colleague in need?

Just a small gesture of support.

We could all use that sometimes.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi. Good to have you back.

If there's anything I can do...

No, I've just got to do this.

Then I'm going to go for lunch.

Ah, that's a shame. I'd go with you,

but I've got to pick Joe up and take him to the dentist.

So next time?

-Next time.

-OK.

Oh, Valerie,

I gave the temp the afternoon off as it's so quiet.

Student reading week, hence the Marie Celeste.

Oh. Is she a patient?

Oh, I'm sure you've got plenty of paperwork to do.

As have I.

Student mail-out, perhaps?

SHE SIGHS

BEEPING

What?

Oh, come off it! You've got to be kidding me.

Whoa, what's going on?

This stupid tyre is flat.

It was fine when I came out, but when I want to go home...

OK... It's OK.

It's not OK cos the spare's flat as well.

I haven't got round to fixing it...

Right, OK.

When I get back from lunch, I will get Karen or someone to get

the garage out, and in the meantime...

Daniel can give you a lift.

No...

Al needs a lift home.

It's OK...

No, it's absolutely fine. We insist, don't we?

It's not as if he's doing anything important.

Right.

Good. That's sorted, then.

Jump in. My pleasure.

Oh, flash.

Thanks. Yeah, 0-60 in 5.8, not too shabby.

-5.8?

-Yeah.

-Great.

BOSSA NOVA MUSIC

Oh!

Well...

-BANGING ON DOOR

-Go away!

Help! She can't breathe!

Oh, my...

Asthma attack.

-I'll call an ambulance.

-No... Inhaler.

Blue one. She came out without it.

I can't, not without a doctor and there's not one here.

-Quicker.

-I'll phone one. And see if I can get the OK.

Hurry!

ENGINE FAILS

Well, the deceleration time's even more impressive.

I think it's some kind of electrical fault.

OK, well, it's probably quicker for me to walk from here.

Right, if you can just let me out...

I can't, everything's dead.

I am so sorry, it was right at the back of the drugs cabinet.

Now, Dr Vere says it's OK if it's the one you normally use.

SHE GASPS FOR BREATH

I still think I should call an ambulance.

No... It's easing off.

Thanks. Thank you so much.

Just glad I could help.

Lucky I'm already sitting down, eh? I couldn't just...

lie down for a minute?

Yes, of course. Erm, hang on a minutes, two tics and I'll...

Oh, dear. Oh, hang on. Follow me.

SHE LAUGHS

BEEPING

No. No, no-no-no...

Yes!

COMPUTER BEEPS

Really?

There you go. You just relax.

Don't suppose you've got anything to drink? Bit parched.

Tea, coffee?

Tea, please.

Yeah! I'll get it.

Oh, OK. It's just through there. Staff room.

Can't miss it.

Can you stay? Sorry, it's just...

It can just be a bit scary.

Oh, course.

So you both at uni?

Yeah. Oh, Amy. And Guy.

-Karen.

-Both first year. I'm doing textile design.

Oh, do you know, I think my daughter did a bit of that.

Yeah?

You look a lot like her.

It's OK if you want to ask. Most people do.

Car crash.

All finished? Good. Could you copy these?

Apparently St Phil's couldn't open the scans I e-mailed them.

No!

-No, I can't. It's broken.

-Ah, maybe it's blocked...

No, I've had a look in there, there's no blockage, paper jam.

Anyway, I'm fixing it.

Right, I really need these today.

Maybe you could phone the university, get someone out.

Absolutely, I will. If I can't sort it.

-Leave it with me.

-OK.

Think we should send out a search party?

He probably just got lost on the way.

Naff sense of direction, especially for a geography student.

But at least his heart's in the right place.

Sorry, couldn't find the teabags.

Was that the back door I heard?

No, sorry... In all the faff I lost my bearings.

Went through some office or something!

Oh, well done.

Anyway, you've been amazing.

But we better leave you to your Hula Hoop...

No, no, no, I want you to make a proper recovery.

I'll put the kettle on, shall I?

Yeah, OK.

-Breakdown people said they'd be a while.

-I heard.

It looks like little Joe's going to have to make his own way to

the dentist.

What's the 0-60 like on his pedal car?

I thought there was some kind of safety feature where they'd

always unlock...

We could break the windscreen. Use a ballpoint

or one of Zara's heels.

Or we could go out the boot.

Put the seats down, go out that way.

Good luck with that, Houdini. Probably just get stuck and freeze.

As opposed to in here where it's so toasty(!)

It's fine. It's fine, you can relax.

I've already reported it. They're sending someone

by the name of Madge, apparently.

Already on the way.

Madge? OK.

-Hurry up!

-She'll hear. Ears like a bat, I'm telling you.

-Just move.

-There you are!

We really should get out of your hair.

No, come on...

If you could just...let us out.

We've got lectures.

After all that? Cold air aggravating your airways?

You're in no fit state.

I feel better...

I really need to get a doctor to check you over.

And I'm going to get into terrible trouble if I don't sign you

in as a temporary patient so...

Look, I've made the tea now. Come on, let's have a natter.

I could murder a fag.

Or not.

Think there are some mints in the glove compartment.

Remember that conversation we had about manned missions to Mars?

Whether we'd be able to hack being in forced proximity to other people?

Mission to a Letherbridge lay-by.

It's ironic.

Probably the only person I could have hacked it with would have

been my dad.

Cos we never talked about anything.

Zara always says men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Zara's from Mars.

Mm. She's out there.

I just wanted to get out of the house.

Understandable.

Sometimes you just want to be around other people, talk.

Sometimes.

Especially if you don't have family living nearby.

Yeah.

I think about all the years... Not connecting.

Feeling he wasn't the father I wanted...

Knowing that I certainly wasn't the son that he wanted.

Don't quite understand why it feels like...

..such a horrible loss.

Maybe...

it's a compounding of all those little losses over the years.

The "what if"s and the "never were"s.

I lost my dad when I was 14.

And the one thing I do know is that it makes you think.

It makes you wonder...

whether things would have been different.

Whether I would have been different.

14. Must have been hard,

so young.

It's hard at any age.

So are you in halls on campus?

No, we're in a house.

Met up with some people on freshers' week and hit it off.

Oh, whereabouts?

Over on the other side.

Textile design, what's that all about?

Oh, like, the designs you see on everything,

from sofas to wallpaper, high fashion.

Anything woven or printed that can have a design on it, basically.

Oh, wow, how exciting!

And you're a bit of a brainbox, as well, aren't you?

I was always rubbish at geography. What is an isthmus?

Erm...

-Oh...

-Oh, let me get that.

Sorry, we really have to go.

Er, no, I really need to get her checked over by a doctor.

There'll be somebody along in a minute.

We'll come back later, maybe.

You haven't made a complete recovery.

I'm fine.

And this must be covered in germs by now.

I'll get another one from the drugs cabinet, will I?

BOTH: No.

Have I missed anything while I was away?

Not a lot.

Mrs Tembe was rushed into hospital with a strangulated hernia,

had emergency surgery, she's on the mend now.

Oh, and I killed a patient.

Stabbed him through the throat with a Swiss Army knife.

Emergency tracheotomy. Horrified bystanders all over the shop.

Literally. A camping shop.

And then cardiac arrest ensued.

Following which the threat of being sued ensued.

And Sid thinks he's Dr Snuff-it!

Sorry, I wasn't thinking.

No, no, sued by who?

BEEPING

Oh!

Mate, give me details.

I've been dealing with my own misery for days.

It'd be nice to hear about someone else's.

'Don't you move.'

-Just let us out.

-Please. I've got it hard enough, haven't I?

I'm not just going to let you go, am I?

You can! Just open the door.

-Sorry...

-You'll never see us again, I promise!

I can see you're not in the driving seat...

-Please!

-..but I'm responsible for letting you in.

Oh, shut up! Get her keys!

Don't you come near me!

Do it, now! Do you want to get banged up?

Oh!

Oh, hello. Are you here to see a doctor?

Nope. A photocopier.

What happened to Madge?

That's me - Padmaj. Maj Machine Medics?

So this is the offending article?

Oh, right! Another medical emergency?

Oh, my...

Help me!

Help...

Some friend you are!

It's probably not even worth fixing.

And I've tried everything in the manual.

Maybe a cup of tea first?

Might unstick the rollers, but you'd banjax your print head.

I'd best get on.

Don't worry, I've got a few secret tricks up my sleeve.

Strip it down to the nuts and bolts, if it comes to it.

Yeah, proper jam. Fuser might have gone.

But we'll sort it, no problem.

Really?

Yeah, do it with my eyes shut.

Really?

Just... It's a highly sensitive document!

Sorry, I should've said.

Right.

Major confidentiality issues. We take data protection very seriously.

I can see that.

So...epilepsy?

I think it was the dodgy light that triggered it.

-I've turned it off now.

-Ta.

-Where's...?

-Amy? Gone.

Saw you lying there, helpless, and legged it anyway.

Miracle recovery!

If you hadn't been scamming me all along.

I'm sorry.

Stay there while I call the police.

-No, please...

-Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.

It was just a stupid one-off, for the cash.

I didn't meant any harm.

I can believe that.

But your partner in crime left you for dead.

We're not partners.

She just needs someone looking after her, that's all.

Was this all her idea?

Mm. That, I can believe. And you're the fall guy?

No! She probably just freaked out.

She didn't know about my epilepsy.

And didn't care, either.

So her master plan was about getting drugs, was it?

Just to sell on.

For other less legal drugs, I suppose.

So the Sword of Damocles is hanging over your head for however long.

But worse than that...

worse than this guy dying in front of me,

his blood literally all over my hands,

was that I look up, I see Joe looking at me.

He's watching the whole thing, seeing me fail.

And in the eyes of my son,

I've gone from a god to a failure in the space of five minutes.

You're feeling the loss of part of your relationship with your

son, and I'm feeling the loss of the father I never really had.

If it's any consolation, Joe's a smart lad.

Sooner or later he would have worked out what you're like.

Well, if it's any consolation to you,

I don't think dads ever know what to say or do for the best.

You're doing very well, all things considered.

No worries, I like a challenge.

It's good to go beyond your comfort zone sometimes.

Until everything goes wrong then you feel like a right lemon.

So I'm guessing you photocopied

something...personal?

Happens all the time. No big deal.

It is to me.

I am not the sort of person who does that thing all the time.

Well, not ever.

So what's different today?

Nothing! I don't know.

One minute I was twiddling my thumbs, trying to keep busy.

The next minute... Just a moment of madness, I suppose.

Maybe.

People say they were just bored,

but I'm thinking there's more to it myself.

The need to record your existence, for posterity...

Usually it's the posterior.

Well, not today...

Oh! Second most popular choice.

I don't know what came over me.

Still, at least the shredder's working

for when you eventually get it out!

I fix shredders too. Love a bit of shredding.

Use it for my cat tray.

Mind you, she's been weeing all over the place these days.

On her ninth life, I reckon.

I'm on my second.

Had to fend off the Grim Reaper last year.

I was definitely very lucky there.

Then a few months ago,

this absolute creep was sticking his camera where a camera shouldn't be.

And he got me.

Made me feel like a victim all over again.

Maybe this is your way of dealing with all that.

You know, mortality, fear... Reclaiming oneself.

Sticking two fingers up and saying, "So what?! Here I am.

"Still alive."

Maybe not fingers but you get my drift.

Right, then...

Don't move.

It's all there.

Ooh, a few tubs of aspirin and some antihistamines.

Not exactly Bonnie and Clyde, are you?

You all right?

He's perking up. Not quite as miraculously as you.

I'm sorry. Just, you looked like you were...

And I couldn't hack it...

It's all right, I'm OK.

Not after Callie...

We're going to be OK, I promise.

Who's Callie?

Your lookout?

No. She's...

Was my sister.

She died. A couple of months ago.

It was an OD.

Sorry.

You going to call the police, then?

I don't know, what do you think?

You con your way in here with your pack of lies...

I'm sorry.

As if you're anything like my Immie! Textile design!

It's just... what I wanted to do, before...

everything fell apart.

Fell apart?

Home...

Life.

Callie wanted me to still try.

Filling out college forms, faking home addresses.

Always looking out for me...

only one who ever gave a stuff.

You still got me.

Yeah, and look where I got you!

And her. I was the one got her into...

that stuff.

Please, I'm sorry. Just let him go, yeah?

What? No!

It's all my fault. He didn't even want to do it.

He's all I've got.

Then don't you think it's time to start making a change?

I've tried! Do you think I want to be like this?

Then get some help.

I dunno, maybe prison would be the best place for you.

Yeah, whatever. Why not?

But not him.

No. He needs to go to hospital.

And you take that wheelchair back to wherever you nicked it from

and then start putting things right.

Thanks. Thank you.

All right, cheers.

Cavalry's on the way.

We'll drop you off on the way to the garage,

then get them to bring your car round later.

Have you heard from Jimmi?

-There won't be any phone reception at a Buddhist retreat.

-No.

We could always pass by The Mill instead.

There's a few people knocking about. Have a coffee and a chat?

No, I'll be fine now I've had some fresh air.

Ah...

I've got plenty to keep me occupied at home.

Here you are.

Here I am. Not very flattering, just flattened.

Not the point, though, eh?

-All better?

-Oh, yes. Thanks to Maj.

Good, I'll get the papers.

And I'll just file this away.

You only live once.

You could always have another go.

No, I think I've got it out of my system.

Just this flash of scarlet and then the most beautiful black patent.

And I know Daniel's going to adore them.

There's nothing like a pair of strappy heels

to make life worth living.

Well, I doubt any kind of shoes is going to get Heston's attention,

unless I chuck them at him.

Apparently he's come up with the perfect dinner party theme.

Ooh, how exciting(!)

Have we missed anything here?

Nothing much, no.

Ate my sandwich, reported that light of yours, failed at Hula again.

Oh...

Hey, Mother, I'm home.

You know you don't have to go clearing up after me?

Yes.

Did you eat?

I will. I'll just put these away.

Where am I supposed to get a 1940s outfit at such short notice?

I'm sure you will rise to the challenge, Mrs Tembe.

Piece de resistance. Perfect fit.

-Impressive jacket.

-Thank you. And you, too.

Delighted to meet you, Mrs Tembe.

Oh... The pleasure is all mine.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-A hot dog at the ball park

is better than a steak at The Ritz.