29/05/2014 EastEnders

HE GROANS

MUSIC: "The Devil's Radio" by Reverend And The Makers

Liam! Liam!

HE GROANS

< Liam!

Grandad!

-Whatever you do...

-What?

-..don't let them see.

Don't let them see what? Grandad!

Liam!

-I could probably fix that with glue.

-I can't believe I trusted him again.

DOOR OPENS If that's him, I'm going to kill him.

Mum! Nan! Quick! It's Grandad.

He's out in the gardens and he's collapsed. I think he's dying.

-Is Mum with him?

-What?

-She was sitting in the car, Liam!

-Well, she's not now.

-What's happening?

-I don't know.

You all stay here and look after the children, all right? Don't let them come out.

Dad!

-WEAKLY:

-I'm dying. I'm dying...

-What? What's happened? Son, where's Mum?

-I don't know.

-What's happened to him?

-Move out the way for me. I don't know yet do I? Now, David, where's the pain?

Should I get an ambulance, then? Should I phone an ambulance?

No, it's going to be quicker to go in the car.

-WEAKLY:

-Don't let them see. Don't let them see.

Shh. Just think of Mum and all those lovely times you're going to have together, yeah?

You got some front, ain't ya? After how you was with me yesterday.

And...how much are we talking?

Ten grand. HE CHUCKLES

Oh, you want me to beg you for it, is that it?

I thought you already were.

So, you going to tell me what it's for?

-My son.

-Oh, yeah? And which son would that be? Eh?

The... The Dean you slag off or the Dean you feel guilty about?

Only, I get confused.

Yes, Mick, what will I do with ya?

-Put the money back, Phil.

-This has got nothing to do with you.

It's got everything to do with me.

Sorry, Phil, she don't need your money.

Suits me.

Come on, Shirl.

Let's not fall out over this, please.

I'll... I'll be at the house later if you change your mind.

Ten minutes' time you're going to be in the hospital, all right?

Just think of Mum. You're doing this for her.

-What are you doing?

-Phoning Mum.

ENGINE STUTTERS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Whit?

We ain't got time to hang about, Son.

Oh, forget it.

-I thought you said you'd got this fixed!

-It was working earlier.

-I thought you said you had it serviced.

-Martin did it.

-Martin?! You let Martin do it?!

VOICES ECHO INDISTINCTLY

ENGINE STARTS

Thank God. Thank God.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, Carol? It's Max.

Listen, I'm at the registry office, but I feel a right nit.

Where is everyone? And I've spoken to the geezer.

He says if you ain't here five minutes, the whole thing's off.

-SIREN WAILS

-So I dunno what to do.

Right, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'm going to wait till quarter past,

then I'm going to make a move, all right?

We can always get 'em burger and chips. Or get 'em something here.

Oh, I'd rather they had something more nutrimental than that, Billy.

Do they still do salad in the caff?

Well, it's on the board.

Don't think I've ever seen anybody actually eat one.

Is that Carol over there?

Is that the one you were saying's getting married to David thingy?

Don't look like it now, though, does it?

I tell you - them two... Doomed.

Do you think you should go over and say something?

No, no, no. Best leave her alone.

Makes you realise, though, don't it?

All right, we split up. But we stayed friends.

It's like we can...still be a proper family, ain't it?

You don't know how much that means to me.

Right... Who wants to come to the caff?

-I don't want you in debt, I don't want Dean to go. What am I supposed to do?

-Come here.

There's a sight to warm the cockles of an old man's heart.

Assuming he had any cockles in the first place.

-Or even an 'eart.

-Any progress?

-Only, Dean and me have got plans.

-Do we?

-What plans?

All in due course.

What's he up to now?

-Have you ever taken these before?

-No.

Be sure to read the instructions. One a day, every day. It's important not to miss.

And you mustn't expect them to work straightaway.

It could take anything up to a fortnight before they kick in.

Look, I had all this off the doc. How much do I owe you?

-You pay for your prescriptions?

-Yes.

£8.05p. And if you can just sign there.

-Thank you.

-Ian?

-Not now, Sharon.

-Excuse me? Are you going to pay for that?

-Sorry.

Ian!

-SHE KNOCKS

-Ian?

-Ian! Ian!

-KNOCKING

Are you all right?

I'll pop back again later, shall I?

-Where's the something blue?

-Dad, you've had a heart attack!

Yeah, so everyone keeps telling me.

-You could've died!

-Where is your mother?

You've asked me 15 times. I don't know! Sonia, he's not taking this seriously.

Neither would you if you'd been dosed up to the eyeballs on morphine.

HE CHUCKLES WHEEZILY

David I've just spoken to the doctor, all right?

-They're going to take you up to the cath lab in a minute.

-Bring it on.

-See what I mean?!

-Shh.

They're going to insert a wire into the artery in your groin,

and it goes right up to your heart to disperse the clot. OK?

All right. No worries, no worries.

-All right. The nurse will be in in a minute to get you undressed.

-Eh?

No, no! I can't get undressed in front of them.

-David, you haven't got choice.

-No! I can't let them see.

See what?

-HE WHISPERS:

-What I've got on underneath.

So what do we think? Plenty of room for a chair and a sink.

And the old red and white pole outside.

-Few mucky mags for the customers while they're waiting and we're in business!

-We?

I've already thought of a name. "Something For The Weekend, Sir?" What do we think?

If I'm setting up on my own, I don't want to be a barber, I want to be a stylist.

What kind of a pansy word is that? You cut hair, you're a barber.

In a salon it's men AND women. That's where the real money's at.

Only we're going to need more than a sink and a chair.

-How much are we talking?

-How much have you got?

-20,000 suit you?

-Oh, look at his face!

-Where are you going to get 20K?

-I'm not. Might manage ten, though.

-Have you got it now?

-HE CHUCKLES

-What's so funny?

Let's go and have another word with that son of mine.

Ta.

'Ere, do you remember when you was little

and I had you believing that Mick Hucknall was my dad?

-What? What you talking about?

-You know. Mick Hucknall. Simply Red. You know, big in the '80s.

-Yeah, you didn't.

-Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't.

I did! You know.

# Holding back the years. #

I'm actually trying to read something here.

What you reading, anyway?

"Equality and Diversity Competencies in Geriatric Care."

-What's that when it's at home?

-Teaching Grandma to suck eggs.

I mean, what do they think I do here all day?

-Oh, no!

-What?

Sister Jarvis. What's she doing down here, anyway?

-Why is that a problem?

-Because I've taken all of my annual leave

and I phoned in sick this morning. What am I going to do?

Well, just admit that I had you fooled that Mick Hucknall was my dad.

-I'm not admitting to that.

-Er, excuse me...

All right, all right! You fooled me, all right?

See, wasn't that difficult, was it?

Two more teas, please.

-So, what time are you thinking of setting off?

-Hour or so.

You don't have to. Been thinking,

you and the kids could go in my bedroom and I could kip on the sofa.

Then we could spend the rest of the afternoon and the evening together.

Yeah, but Janet and William are looking forward to

spending some time alone with you.

-Billy? Do you know where I can find Peter?

-Um...

-Oh, hello.

-Hiya.

Oh, hang on.

PHONE RINGS

It's just that I've been in a mess with pills myself and...

I don't want to see you go that way.

Anyway, Ian, look, call me back when you get this message, OK?

Sorry about that. I was asking about Peter?

Yeah, he's gone into town with Lola. Is there a problem?

-Well, have you got a key for Ian's?

-No, sorry, Sharon...

-No, don't worry.

Anyway...you sure I can't change your mind?

I think we should stick to what we agreed, Billy, yeah?

-For the sake of the kids.

-Yeah. Yeah.

What do you mean you haven't got it? You're sitting on, what,

-a million pounds worth of real estate here?

-Dad, we've been over this.

This is your nephew's future you're talking about.

Where's your sense of family?

-If he caves in to this, I'm leaving him.

-To hell with this.

Shirley, you can't just disappear in the middle of a shift.

Ian!

I know you're in there!

COMPUTER GAME BEEPS

Why are we all sitting here, pretending like nothing's happened?

-You what?

-It's disrespectful.

No, it's a distraction.

Yeah, what else have we got to do?

Morgan, will you turn that thing off?

It's really starting to get on my nerves.

And I'd like my computer back, please.

-I'm halfway through an episode.

-And I need to check my e-mails.

-Very respectful.

-You didn't even ask if you could borrow it.

So, why weren't your dad invited to the wedding?

-Why wasn't yours?

-He was. Couldn't make it.

Well, neither could mine.

-Sorry?

-Nothing.

-What was that look for?

-What look?

You saw it, Morgan. DOORBELL RINGS

-What's your problem, Rebecca?

-You love stirring it.

What? Cos I mentioned your dad?

You don't know anything about what's going on between my mum and dad

so shut your mouth!

You all right?

-Just you three, is it?

-Whitney's upstairs.

Right, where's your nan? David?

What's the problem?

-Why isn't it in the safe?

-I was expecting you.

-I know you, remember.

-Look, don't say anything to anyone.

I don't want this getting out. Thanks.

Phil!

-Just...just helping Shirley out with a loan.

-So I see.

What's up?

I think Ian might have done something stupid.

So no news from Mum?

How's Tiff and Morgan?

All right then, I'll see you when I see you, yeah?

Liam's out looking for her apparently.

-How long do you think he's going to be?

-Any minute now I'd say.

-It's like this is his punishment.

-Punishment for what?

You were going to say something then.

It don't matter.

You all right, Dad?

Just had an hosepipe shoved up me crotch. What do you think?

I know what you're thinking.

I'm not thinking anything right now apart from Ian.

Ian?

Well, go on, then.

Just hope me knees are up to it.

Well, maybe he's upstairs.

Well, if he is, he ain't taken any pills. Look.

And now we've kicked his door in.

So don't come running to me when he hands you the bill.

Well, where is he? Ian!

So, no David, no wedding.

Soon they'll be queuing up to say "I told you so."

How are you feeling?

Numb.

This'll make you laugh.

For years and years I wanted to be him.

A little part of me still does.

Sorry? Who?

David. I wanted to be David Wicks.

You are joking?

No.

Not that long ago, he...

He said that he envied me.

If only he knew.

Why would anybody want to be David?

Well, Cindy was crazy about him in a way that she never was with me.

And I just thought that if I had a little bit of what he had...

..then maybe I wouldn't hate myself as much.

Oh, Ian...

Carol, have you got any idea...

how much of a struggle it is to pretend to be someone you're not?

I mean, for him it's easy, I mean, it's just so very easy.

You think you're putting on an act?

What do you think David's doing?

His whole life is an act.

David is the most damaged person I know.

Insecure, vulnerable, needy.

If you're talking about hating yourself, step aside cos, seriously,

David wears that crown - trust me.

You're just saying that to try and make me feel better.

No, I've known him since I've been at school.

You know, I know every little corner of his squalid little life.

So why are you marrying him?

Well, I'm not, am I?

Right, why WERE you marrying him?

My mum used to say...

"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."

Of course she was talking about my dad.

With some people it's booze, drugs, fags.

With me it's always been David.

PHONE BEEPS

Arms are getting too short.

Right, Sharon's waiting for me back at mine. I wish she'd stop.

-She's just trying to look out for you.

-I know, but I can't face her.

Yeah, well, I can't face the kids.

But sooner or later I'm going to have to. Come on.

I'll walk back with you.

I'm really aware that we've not mentioned Lucy.

Or your breast cancer.

Good, innit?

Come here.

Thanks.

Tiff and Rebecca have got the hump with each another,

but apart from that everyone's fine.

How should I know?

No, it's just me and the kids.

No, Whitney's out an' all. Think she's gone lookin'.

Bianca, don't freak out.

It's your mum, it's what she does. She'll be all right. She'll turn up.

Yes, course I'll stay here.

Yeah. All right, speak to you later. Bye-bye.

Can we have some of that?

No.

I'm worried.

What, and you think that's going to make you feel better?

I've got a story about your nan.

Family folklore, this is.

She was nine, thought she was going to be Queen of the May

or something, school fete.

So she's got a fancy frock on, she's got a little tiara, the whole works.

But the school, they make a mistake, they give it to another Carol.

Now, your nan, apparently she's fine with all this,

but before you know it, she disappears.

Gone. Total panic.

My mum and dad going nuts, you've got half the East End out

looking for her, it's getting dark, Police are called. Everything.

Know where she was?

Outside toilet, back of the house all along.

That's where she was hiding.

True story.

We don't have an outside toilet.

She's doing it again!

Tiff, just get in here, will you, please?

She keeps talking about my mum and dad.

When I tell her to shut up she won't.

-What's the problem?

-Tell her to say sorry.

-I haven't done nothing wrong.

-She says you have.

-Right, so how are we going to sort it out?

-We could have some cake.

That's going to do it for you, is it?

That's what you want?

Right, Rebecca, you're in charge. I'm watching TV. Good luck.

Uh-oh. I'm in charge.

No apology, no cake.

Suit yourself.

Fine, sorry.

Wasn't so hard, was it?

See you soon. Bye-bye.

Got everything you came with? Apart from them two, of course.

Yeah, I think so. Right.

It's been really great, ain't it?

You're so sweet, Billy.

Listen, you drive safe. And text me as soon as you get there, yeah?

-I'll see you out...

-No, no, no, you stay there.

Has this not been the bestest day ever?

Epic.

Hiya. Yeah, it's me. I'm just leaving now.

No, I couldn't do it.

He was so happy to see me.

It's going to have to wait now until I pick the kids up.

Look, I'll explain everything to you when I see you, OK? Bye.

You know, Ian, if you did ever want to talk about Lucy...

Well, you know where I am.

The pain never goes away.

But it does get duller.

Stick with it.

You've been a life saver.

No, seriously.

Oh, what?! Sharon!

Nan?! Where've you been? Everybody's been going nuts.

Just wanted to have some time to myself.

-So you don't know?

-Know what?

It's Grandad. He's had a heart attack.

Mum and Sonia have taken him to the hospital.

Call a cab. Get me a cab.

Look, I've phoned the carpenter. He'll be here any minute.

I told him to send the bill to me, OK?

-Where's Phil?

-Well, he had to get back.

Ian, I am SO sorry about this.

Do you know what, I really don't need all this.

Well, I was worried about you!

-I thought you might have done something idiotic.

-Just go.

Not until we've talked about these.

Phil said he'll have the rest of the money by the end of the week.

Don't look at me like that, Mick. How else were we going to get it?

-I'm doing this for you.

-I thought you said you were doing it for Dean.

All right, then I'm doing it for all of us.

Do you want that old man on your back for ever?

Hey, less of the old man.

Now, that's a bit more like it.

There wasn't any plan as such.

I just wanted to see how it felt.

Then I thought about...

Peter and Bobby and Jane and everyone...

And Denise.

And Denise.

And I knew I couldn't do it.

So I just went for a walk to clear my head.

I was going out of my mind.

So was I.

I know I've not been as good a friend as I might've been.

But I'm here now. I promise you.

But if you EVER...ever get in that kind of state again...

well, you know. Day or night.

Seriously.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Well, that'll be the carpenter. I'll leave you to it.

I'll let him in.

-MAN:

-Hello. You wanted a carpenter.

-Hello.

Look, it's probably easier to take your tools round the back

rather than carrying them through the house. Come with me.

I'm telling you, I could definitely do something with your barnet.

-I like my hair just as it is, thank you.

-That's what you think.

-But you wait till I cast my spell.

-Sweeney Todd used to say that.

So, Dean - you still keen on this salon idea?

Yeah. Why? You got the money?

So you can spend it all on loose cars and fast women?

No, I don't think so.

No, we'll do this the sensible way.

You tell me what you need and I'll sign the cheques as and when.

-Deal?

-Deal.

You going to say thank you, or...?

Thank you, Grandad.

That's great.

Anyone would think he was disappointed.

So it's drinks all round then, yeah?

Are these what you didn't want people to see?

It was meant to be a private joke between me and your mother.

-Where did you get them from?

-They are so cute.

-Put it away!

-You know what, I've got to take a photo of them.

-No, don't do that...

-Mum!

-Where've you been?

-We was only laughing cos of them.

-I thought that you...

-He had a blood clot but it's sorted. He's going to be OK.

-Oh, right.

OK, can you...? Can I have five minutes with David on my own?

Yeah, course you can.

Look at you.

Where've you been?

I got really angry when you didn't show up.

I know, I'm sorry about that. At least I had a decent alibi.

-What did I say to you last week? And the week before that?

-I dunno. What?

I said, if you didn't watch your diet you were going to get ill

and here you are on our wedding day! Brilliant(!)

Hey...a heart attack hurts, in case you hadn't realised.

I think you did it on purpose.

-Are you serious?

-No, no, no, not consciously, but deep down.

You know, I've got the cancer gene, you've got the "can't commit gene"

-and this is the way it comes out.

-Carol, give me a break.

I went off to buy you a gift, didn't I. Something blue?

I went to four different shops, all right? For you.

-All right, well, where is it?

-Oh, it got lost.

-Do you know what I think?

You weren't looking for something blue at all. You were looking for

-an excuse. And, boy, did you come up with a good one.

-I'm ill!

Not so ill as to stop you all laughing your socks off just now.

-Oh, come on...

-What do you mean, "Come on"? Do you know what,

I think I might just've had a very narrow escape.

Well, snap.

Sorry?

I'm going to tell you something.

When I was in the back of that car...

..I thought, "This is it. I'm going to die."

And do you know what? I wasn't scared.

I was relieved.

How dare you? How dare you!

Carol.

Carol!

Carol!

INDISTINCT CHATTER

You all right, Mum? What did he say?

Carol! Carol, I didn't mean it! Honestly, I...

Didn't mean what?

You wished you'd died? Well, guess what - I wish you'd died, too!

Carol...