15/04/2016 EastEnders

So how long until we get rid of you, then?

I need to be at the airport for seven.

Can you not just stay a few more days?

It's probably best I go.

Right, I just picked a few bits up for your journey.

Wine gums and them little apple pies you like.

And I thought we could head up the high street later,

get you a few jumpers to take back with you.

That's His Lordship all changed

and ready for his weigh-in.

-Oh, thanks.

-Hold up. I thought that was tomorrow.

-I've got a delivery any minute.

-It's fine. I can go on my own.

I want to come with you, don't I?

-I'll come with you if you like, Mum.

-Yeah.

Or not...

LEE: I would go, but I'd need someone to cover the stall.

It's fine, I'll cover the stall.

That's sorted then.

Uh-uh-uh!

Aren't you forgetting something?

Well, the photographer sent it over this morning.

I thought we could open it together.

Yeah, maybe later.

SHE SIGHS

Is Dad about?

He's at the bank. Why?

I just really don't want to be on my own right now.

Why, what's happened?

Well, she didn't hit me or anything.

-This time, anyway.

-Who?

Linzi.

I could always get a payday loan.

Don't be silly. It's our problem.

What's our problem?

This month's rent.

Don't worry about that, I'll sort it.

Really? You're skint.

Yeah, well, I'll pimp myself out if I have to.

I don't fancy your chances.

What are you talking about? People would pay good money for this body.

Tell him, Stace.

Nah?

Right, well, listen.

You just concentrate on getting Arthur ready for the weigh-in, yeah?

I'm going to go and talk to Ian.

See about expanding my stock on the stall.

Maybe, I don't know, introduce some exotic fruits.

-Yeah, that's a great idea.

-You see?

It's only a matter of time before we see Phil Mitchell

sucking on a papaya.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Why didn't you reply to my text?

I mean, what were you thinking, having a pop at Louise, eh?

I just told her to keep her dirty hands off, all right?

Yeah, well, she's only a kid.

She's a scheming little cow!

And I swear, if she goes near you again, I'll scratch her eyes out.

-You ain't jealous, are you?

-What, of her?

As if.

Not interrupting, am I?

Uh...

No, I've got to go, anyway.

-All right, text me later.

-Yeah.

-Ta.

Going well, then?

Yeah.

Except we can't ever get any alone time, but hey-ho.

So, come on. Don't leave me in suspense.

-Talk to Paul?

-Yes.

And?

Reckons he wants to take things slowly.

Take things slowly?

Phil caught you getting it on in the car lot.

I think you're past the point of holding hands, don't you?

The problem is, bruv, I've never really dated anyone else before.

Except Abi.

Speaking of which, have you heard from her?

Couple of texts.

She's not going to her mum's any more.

So what are you going to do about Paul?

I don't know.

Try and be romantic, I guess.

HE SCOFFS

What?

That's you finished, then, ain't it, eh?

I can't believe you do this every day.

This is nature at its finest, this is.

It's not right, Grandad, a grown man getting excited about fish.

Come on! There's got to be something

that puts fire in your belly, ain't there?

Not really. Not any more.

Tamwar.

Can I tempt you with my John Dory?

Is that a euphemism?

Knob of butter, bit of parsley...

Mmm!

Why are you working here, exactly?

I'm helping my favourite grandad out, ain't I?

And that's the only reason?

Yeah, if you'll excuse me, I need to gut this.

Tam, I owe you some rent.

My receipt book's in the office.

-Since when have I paid you on time?

-Good point.

You've got to get rid of her.

Please, please.

I've got cod in that van threatening to stage a walkout.

-All right, I'll see what I can do.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Oh, good man.

I've got to get a photo of this.

Oh, yeah, very funny.

Wait, can you come here a minute? I need to ask you something.

Has something happened with Dad?

We just had a few words, that's all.

About what?

I told him a few home truths, didn't I?

He should've protected her.

How, Johnny?

Do you not think Dad wishes Dean was dead?

So why isn't he?

I thought you were supposed to be a lawyer.

Cos he loves our mum and he knows he'd be absolutely no use

to her if he was banged up for murder.

He was amazing.

He held this family together.

But...

No, Johnny. But nothing.

You weren't here.

You don't understand how hard it was for him.

All set?

If he's anything like his brothers or sisters, it's going to be sweet.

He's not like them, is he?

All he needs to do is hit his targets.

We'll deal with the rest later.

Now, go and whack His Lordship on them scales

cos I'm very proud of them moobs that I've given him.

All right? OK.

That'll be the drayman.

See, the problem with you and Paul is, right,

is you've missed the dating bit, haven't you?

The sex, I can do.

It's just the talking bit I find difficult.

That's all right cos girls are bang up

for blokes who make out they listen.

All you've got to do is nod, right?

"Yeah, yeah," even if you ain't got a clue what they're saying.

-"Yeah, yeah."

-Hang on, hang on.

Paul ain't a girl, though, is he?

Yeah, well, it works both ways, don't it?

Right. Pretend we're in a club.

Right, yeah, here we go.

-What kind of club?

-It don't matter.

Gay or straight?

Well, we're two men, ain't we?

So, come on, chat me up.

All right?

-Yeah, you all right?

-Yeah.

They're really nice specs, mate. Are they designer, are they?

HE STIFLES A LAUGH

Do you want to know how to do this or not?

All right.

Has anyone ever told you, mate,

you've got really beautiful eyes, you have?

BUSTER COUGHS

As touching as this little scene is,

I need one of you to look at my van.

I think the clutch is slipping.

Yeah, look, Buster, we were just...

No, no, it's all right. I understand.

I've been inside, don't forget.

Don't pick the soap up in the showers and all that.

Look, I'll drop the van round after work, OK?

Yeah, all right, mate.

-Right, from now on, you are on your own.

-Right.

You all right?

So it turns out that you are contravening regulations.

-Come again?

-Yeah.

So all assistant...

market stall assistants, have to be registered.

What? Since when? Oh, no!

Rules is rules, so...

But I can't leave Grandad on his own, can I?

HE SIGHS DRAMATICALLY

I suppose I can muddle along by myself.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

-See you later.

-See you. Ta, love.

I had no right saying all that stuff I said before.

Look at this thing, it's like a fossil.

I just wanted someone to blame, that's all.

Talk to me.

About what?

I mean, you're right.

I should have been there to protect your mum...

..and I let her down.

And what makes it worse...

..is I was the one that sent him up here.

You weren't to know what was going to happen.

And I held him.

And I had him this close...

..and I didn't even know.

I'll never forgive myself for that.

When I was a kid growing up,

all I wanted was a family of my own.

And I thought I was the only one in the world who never had one.

I just wanted a dad who'd take me to Upton Park,

a mum who'd give me a little cuddle when I had a gash on my knee.

I was determined to give you kids everything I never had.

But you've been an amazing dad.

I got a son on antidepressants.

I've got a daughter I don't even recognise.

And as for Ollie, he's just a little baby, Johnny.

What happened to Ollie wasn't your fault.

And it wasn't Nancy's either.

You've got to try and fix this.

I'm trying.

I just don't know how to do it.

Because every time I look at her I just get this knot

in my stomach.

And then the anger.

The anger starts to build.

And I hate her and I hate Lee.

But most of all...

I hate myself.

He fell.

And it was my job to catch him.

I let him down.

I let you all down.

Don't say that.

I love you, son.

But trust me, get back on that plane as fast as you can

because I'm no good for no-one.

Do you remember what you said to me on this sofa?

You told me how proud you were.

And that it didn't matter what I was because I'd always be your son.

I left here a boy...

and I came back a man.

I've got you to thank for that.

I'm sorry, son.

You've got nothing to be sorry for, you hear me?

We're like West Ham, aren't we?

If we play as a team, nothing can get past our defence.

What?

I've been waiting 20 years to talk football with you!

Is everything all right?

Yeah.

How was the weigh-in?

He's put on 4lb.

That's good, then.

Yeah, it's just...

What?

He didn't interact with any of the other babies, so...

Well, he's a lone wolf, just like his old man.

He's in the kitchen with Lee if you want to get his lunch ready.

What was all that about?

Do you remember where you used to take us

when we'd been fighting as kids?

Course! It was the only way to shut you three up.

Tell Dad to meet me downstairs in 20 minutes.

-Why, where are you going?

-Just do it, yeah?

I'll text Nancy. Oh, and I'll phone Lee.

Someone looks pleased with themselves.

I need you to pack an overnight bag.

I'm taking you away Monday night.

Where?

It's a surprise.

And would this surprise involve an overnight stay in a hotel somewhere?

Come on, Ben.

Is that the best you can do?

What are you doing?

I'm hungry.

Ah, so you're just going to eat for the rest of your life, is that it?

I've nothing better to do, have I?

You're all right, you've got drive.

Direction.

It's a bit like being a samosa, really, isn't it?

Come again?

Everything inside you is trapped in that tight pastry.

All you really want to do is escape and be free.

That's a bit more like a bhaji, actually, isn't it?

Is this some kind of existential food crisis or...?

I just feel completely trapped.

Like my life's on hold.

I have no idea who I am any more.

I'm fighting with Lee.

Getting myself into stupid situations.

It's like the whole world is racing past

and I'm just sat there getting stale in your fridge.

OK, well, if you don't like it, then do something about it.

I've got to be here for Ollie.

Well, then, your life just gets put on hold again.

Is that what it is?

PHONE BEEPS

-It's Johnny.

-What's he saying?

Got to meet him in the pub.

Nancy...

..you'll always be my onion bhaji.

Thanks, mate.

-Right, I need your help.

-No, no, no, no. I just got him back.

It's important.

Let's have a look.

My area of expertise, this.

Waterproof nappies.

Yeah. Chemist, chemist, chemist, Maggie's stall, chemist.

Go on, hurry up.

Right, I've got to go.

Go on, go on, quickly!

Ian.

Martin, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to talk to you about a few ideas I've got for the stall.

Yeah, I'm a little bit busy today. So can we talk about it tomorrow?

Yeah. Well, what do you think of that?

-That's dragon fruit.

-Exactly.

Now, hipsters, apparently, are snapping these up.

Yeah, I know, but, Martin, can we talk about this tomorrow?

The thing is, these, these set me back a little bit

and I was hoping for a bit of an advance.

I'd like to, but I'm a bit short myself this month.

What with the wedding and everything, you know...

-You set a date?

-End of May.

Right, I tell you what, how about I do the catering for you for free?

-You serious?

-Yeah, yeah. Least I can do. Come on.

Who's that? The new owner, is it?

Yeah, he's just...he's just measuring up.

-Let's have a butcher's.

-No, Martin. It's...

It says CostMart on it.

Yeah, I was going to tell you.

They're opening up a supermarket here?

I couldn't turn down their offer, it was too good.

Do you have any idea what this is going to do for the trade?

I know, but a little bit of healthy competition

never hurt anyone, did it?

Healthy competition, Ian? This is going to destroy the market.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

You and me both.

All right?

Where's your brother?

I don't know, he just text to say meet him here.

What's this, a wind-up?

-Come on. We're going to be late.

-Late for what?

We're taking Ollie swimming.

Bit random, ain't it? I don't think he's ready for all that.

Well, we started early, why can't Ollie?

Well, he ain't got no trunks, has he?

Well, that's sorted. Go and get your swimming gear, go on.

Don't forget your armbands.

Strong, strong.

Come on. Mum's waiting outside with Ollie. Let's go.

-Trace? You're on your jack, babe.

-OK.

How did the new stock go down?

Don't ask.

-Can I have a bottle of beer, please?

-Stick it on my tab, Trace.

Look, I'm not really much company at the moment, mate.

It's just, what happened yesterday, with Jean...

What about it?

We never got a chance to talk about it.

Funnily enough, I've had more important things to think about.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm just stressing about this flat situation.

I could ask Ian for more shifts at the restaurant.

-I wouldn't bother.

-Why not?

Don't worry about it.

Look, you just concentrate on sorting out my stag, yeah?

Your stag?

You're Stace's little brother, aren't you?

Everything's going to be all right, though?

With the rent, I mean.

You want the truth?

I'm up the creek without a paddle, mate.

But you said...

Yeah, I know what I said, but...

I can't tell Stace I've spent all my money on the van, can I?

She's got enough on her plate.

I think, if it's that bad...

..you should tell her.

Where's everyone else?

I dunno, I thought they'd be out here.

Right.

We better get His Highness in the pool

before he starts giving it the big'un.

Do you want a hand?

No, no, I'm sweet, I'm sweet.

Ready? Ready?

It's going to be a little shock to the system.

But, we'll treat it like a big bath, yeah?

Whoa!

What are we supposed to do now?

I don't know.

I never really did this with you mob, did I?

Look at you now.

He's smiling, Pop!

Well, let's hope it's the water

and he ain't left us a little yellow surprise.

Do you want to go... Do you want your sister?

There you are. Take him, take him.

-Are you sure?

-Take him.

Pop, he's kicking!

HE LAUGHS, BABY SQUEALS

What are you getting upset for? Don't get upset.

I'm not. I just...

If I could swap places with him, I would.

You know that, don't you?

-Don't say that.

-I mean it.

What happened to Ollie was an accident, OK?

I'm sorry, Pops.

Listen, I don't want to hear no more of that talk, all right?

Do you hear me?

Otherwise, otherwise...

I'll be whacking your head under this water.

I miss you so much.

I miss you. Come here.

I miss you, baby.

Right, boy.

Get them legs kicking. BABY BABBLES

Oi, oi! I'm talking to you!

Get them legs kicking cos your mother won't be happy

until you've done ten metres, all right?

-Yeah!

-He loves it, Pop. He loves it!

Well, that was a complete waste of money.

Well, it's hardly a wonder Paul's kicked off, is it?

He wanted a bit of romance, you know.

Not a leg-over in a hotel.

I mean, it is the little things that make the difference, isn't it?

Another cup of tea?

Another cup of tea, please, darling.

I remember the first time we took you all swimming,

I was in my big rubber ring

and you jumped straight in,

-like, no armbands, nothing.

-What? What happened?

Well, your mother nearly had a heart attack.

Lee and Johnny were scared of the water, like me, but you,

no fear.

Like, you just had a touch of the Flipper about you,

you know what I mean?

Oi, easy! Watch it!

You're putting Michael Phelps off his stroke here.

Come here, you, come here.

You striked me right up there, didn't you?

It worked, though.

Here you are. Talk to him.

Good boy.

Ooh, hello!

Hello.

I think we might have a world champion on our hands, to be honest.

You couldn't give me a hand, babe?

I can't be bothered with them ladders. Drive me mad, they do.

Come on, then. What are you doing?

-SHE SCREAMS

-Mick!

-No!

-Come in, Mum!

Look at her little skirt!

-Leave my skirt alone!

-Love that skirt.

It's practical...

# Mr Sandman, bring me a dream

# Make him the cutest thing that I've ever seen. #

Why aren't you on the stall?

It's all right, I left Shrimpy covering.

How did you get on with Ian?

Yeah, yeah, all right.

He's actually offered to do the catering for our wedding.

Ooh, that's nice of him.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Kyle told me what you said about the stag.

That really did mean the world to him.

Yeah, well. The last few months have opened my eyes, haven't they?

You see.

I told you your daddy would fix everything, didn't I?

Hey.

Ooh, you look lovely!

Oh, no, this? I just chucked it on.

Well, come on, let's get a shift on cos the film starts soon.

That's what I meant to say to you.

Monday night, what are you doing?

Uh...nothing. Why?

I was thinking...

Little four-star hotel, you know, Jacuzzi, the lot.

Oh...

I said that I'd help my mum out with something that night.

Oh, did you?

But, listen, I'm sure I can get out of it.

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-So we're good?

-Yes.

Let's go, cos we're late, we're late,

we're late, we're late, we're late!

-How did you get on?

-He's a shoo-in for the 2032 Olympics.

-Aw!

-I'm just going to help Mum put the baby down.

He don't like Oasis no more, he's a Stone Roses nut.

Ooh, how did you get so smart, eh, boy?

I take after my mum.

When's the food? I'm starving!

20 minutes.

-Ah, grazie mille!

-Buongiorno!

What's this all about, then?

I thought it was about time I showed you what else I learnt in Italy.

No-one said anything about a family dinner.

Just as well I got some chops in.

No, you're all right. Johnny's cooking.

-Is that right?

-My bucatini all'amatriciana!

I always find pasta repeats on me.

You all right, Mick?

Yeah, I'm just going to miss the boy, that's all.

What are you doing later?

A night in front of the TV, probably. You?

Well, I have got a date, actually.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Anyone I know?

Well, maybe...

Where are we going?

You'll see.

You did all this for me?

Well, everything except the weather, yeah.

Would the gentleman care for some cod and chips?

It helps when your brother's the owner.

Listen, Paul, I know I've messed you about in the past,

but I'm serious about this.

Then prove it.

Go and get me some ketchup.

"Go and get me some ketchup"!

Grub's up!

Oh, here we go!

Woo!

-Wow.

-Just dive in.

Looks a bit rubbery to me.

Room for one more?

Wa-hey, here he is.

Of course there is!

How's everything?

Really good. We took Ollie swimming.

-All good?

-Really good.

Right, enough of all this postcard stuff.

What did you REALLY get up to in Italy?

You were as good as gold, weren't you, Johnny?

Well, I did wake up in a hospital one night in Venice.

Uh-oh. Go on...

We got drunk and stole one of those gondolas.

-You did what?!

-And took it out on the Grand Canal.

Then I stood up and started singing that song from the Cornetto advert.

-OTHERS LAUGH

-And?

And I smashed my face on a bridge.

Got knocked clean out.

Yeah, well, let that be a lesson to you.

I think we'll have a little toast.

-Ooh, OK.

-Whack that on.

To Pavarotti and his bent-up hooter.

ALL: To Pavarotti!

HE SIGHS

I got to say, Johnny boy,

this Zaby-whatsit is like sex on a plate.

Yeah, well, that's all you'll be getting

if you don't shut your mouth.

That's told him!

It's a bit rich.

Well, it's official.

Babe, your trifle has been elbowed off the menu, I think.

OTHERS LAUGH

No, as we're all here...

I know that it's been a tough couple of months for all of us.

So I think it's time we move on. We look to the future.

Hear, hear.

Right, shall we have a bang on that? Have a look at that?

-Oh, yeah!

-Do you want to do the honours, Nance?

I will.

I can't wait to see it.

It's going to be strong, this will be, watch.

Be careful with that knife, be careful.

Oh, get on that, look at that.

That's good genes, that is.

-Yeah, they get them from me.

-Yeah!

Well, seeing as we're all making speeches...

What are you doing?

I thought I'd do this properly.

What's going on here?

Don't!

Ta-da!

What are you doing?

Whitney...

will you marry me?

Again.

Yes.

-CHEERING

-Congratulations.

You do realise she fancied me first, don't you?

OTHERS LAUGH

Oh, we better start thinking about getting you to the airport.

-Yeah...

-I'm not going.

What?

I want to stay.

But you've got your ticket, though, ain't you?

I'm not going.

Well, can you change the name on the ticket?

Yeah, course you can, yeah.

All right, well, I'll take it.

Nancy...

No, I want to go.