Episode 13 All Over the Place

Today, I shout at Olympic rowers.

Come on, Team Ed!

Come on, Team Ed! And come on, Team All Over The Place.

-Coming up: We have...Cel...

-Hey, waste your own wee!

-..Naomi...

-Let's sneak these charlies and do a bolt.

-..Michelle...

-Here, take your stupid cone!

-..and Iain!

-Come on, we've got some Aussie guys doing a congo.

Here we go!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates All over the place

# It's true what you've heard Everything is absurd

# Whatever we do Is strange but true

# All over the place

# All over the place

# There's stuff to do down under That is totally ace

# And it turns up All over the place. #

First stop, Lancelin, Western Australia.

The aboriginal people call it Wangeree, which means fish.

Which is odd. Is there actually any water here?

It looks like a desert.

Perhaps we should have gone for a walk in the park.

-You think this is a walk in the park?

-No, I meant...

This is the great Australian desert,

reaching temperatures of up to 118 degrees.

We could be smack billabonga in the middle of it.

-But, luckily for you, I've got a few tips on how to survive.

-Such as?

Why don't you just go and suck on a pebble?

-You are, without a doubt, the rudest...

-No, Missy, Missy!

Sucking on a pebble is a great way of keeping your mouth moist,

stopping you from feeling thirsty, and saving precious drinking water.

Don't try it at home. The last thing you want is to choke on a pebble!

COUGHS VIOLENTLY

-Water! Water!

-We don't have any.

But if you're in need, have a bit of that.

Hey, waste your own wee!

Wee?! I could have got a disease.

Oh, sure. But it could be the difference between life or death.

Now, folks, drinking wee-wee is dangerous. Don't try it at home.

Hang on. What's that over there?

Oh, that's probably the desert playing tricks on you.

A mirage, one of the desert's deadliest tricks.

It looks like a man surfing on the sand.

Well, that sounds like an illusion to me.

-It really does look very real.

-The heat is getting to you, Missy.

Snap out of it!

-G'day, Bob.

-G'day, mate.

-I guess the game's up, then.

-You!

You tricked me into thinking we were lost!

-We're not in the Aussie desert after all?

-No, that's miles away.

This is just a flaming big beach.

Well, you won't be needing this then, will you?

Oh, no!

Never mind, Cel. If you need to have a wash

there's actually loads of water here.

That's the Indian Ocean, and these are the Lancelin sand dunes,

the biggest dunes in Western Australia.

They stretch over 2,000 metres.

That's one big sandpit.

There are lots of gnarly extreme sports to try out here.

Motorbikes, dune buggies, four-wheel drives.

But the coolest way to experience the dunes

is carving up the sand on a totally rad sandboard.

Ed and Cel, you have 34 seconds

to find out as much as you can about the dunes and sandboarding.

The winner gets to hitch a ride to the top.

The loser has to walk all the way.

Ed, you have Darren from the local shop,

who knows all about sandboarding.

Cel, you have Lynne,

a local resident who knows all about the sand dunes.

Three, two, one, go!

-What is sandboarding?

-Surfing. On sand.

-Do you know how many sand grains are here?

-No.

-How many calories do you burn doing sandboarding?

-2,000.

-That's loads.

-How long would it take to go up one sand dune?

-Depends how fit you are.

-I'm very fit.

-Hmmm, half a minute.

-Half a minute?

-Cos I don't think you're that fit.

-Oh, I see how it is.

-Will I get sand in my pants?

-Yes.

-Oh, no!

When the wind blows really strong, do they blow away?

They don't blow away, but they move constantly.

-Will I get sand anywhere else?

-Yes.

-Where else?

-Everywhere.

-Oh, right!

-When I come next year it could look totally different?

-Totally.

BUZZER Oh! We did well there, Lynne.

And the winner is...

-Ed.

-Oh, yeah!

Gnarly, dude. I'll give you a wave from the top of the dune.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Sorry, Cel...

Two good reasons to try sandboarding.

One, it's a good work-out

because you have to climb back to the top of the dune. Sorry, Cel.

And two, when you fall, it hurts a lot less than surfing,

and there are no sharks.

-Sand's up, dude.

-Here we go.

Waaaaaah! W-a-a-a-a-ah!

W-a-a-a-ah!

..Pretty fast, especially when someone PUSHES YOU!

Wooooooh!

Who-a-a-ah!

Let's see how they get on standing up.

Eat sand, dudes.

Off he goes...

-Oh, my word. Cel!

-Wow, Cel's really doing it.

It's like he could stand there for...

For not much longer.

-My bad.

-Give us the thumbs up if you are all right, Cel!

-Whoa, ow!

-Don't worry, Ed. It was a false start.

I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.

Come on, Ed!

There he goes, he... Oh. He-he!

-Wow.

-This is embarrassing.

Bend your knees, Ed.

Yeah, bend your knees and sit on it.

-Waaaaa!

-Ha-ha-ha!

He's a little bit useless standing on it, isn't he?

He's terrible!

-This isn't going very well.

-You said it.

-Oh, dear.

You've been up and down this sand dune a fair few times, Darren.

So who do you think is the most outstanding?

-I think Cel's got it today.

-Yes!

-Well played, Ed. Thank you, Darren.

-No worries.

Unfortunately both our legs have stopped working

from running up this thing.

-So is it all right if we borrow this?

-Go for it.

-I think it's the only way to get back to our hotel.

-OK.

-We've got a long way to go, Ed.

-Yep.

-OK, I'm steering.

-Darren, thank you so much.

-See you, guys.

-See you later!

-Have fun.

-Aargggh!

-Aarrrghh!

Sydney, New South Wales.

What do you see?

I see a fleet of convict ships sailing across Sydney Harbour,

-full to the gunnels with crims.

-Sailing jails?

-Let's have a look.

-Yeah.

-They look like tourists to me.

-Yeah.

No, I'm just using my imagination, Ed.

Over 200 years ago Sydney was like one big prison camp.

Back home, our jails were so overcrowded,

they sent the criminals all the way over to Australia

on a one-way ticket.

So they got a free boat ride to Australia,

then when they got here they topped up their tans

and took over an entire continent? Lucky so-and-sos.

They weren't so lucky if they were sent here, Ed.

This is Hyde Park Barracks,

and it was built nearly 200 years ago, by the convicts themselves.

Prisoners spent anything from seven years to life

for the smallest of crimes, like stealing a loaf of bread.

Amy works here,

-so she knows what it was like for the convicts back in the day.

-Oh, right.

The first people to come to Australia

-were basically just getting a free holiday, weren't they?

-Not exactly.

They were put to hard work clearing land for roads,

building buildings like this barracks.

Sounds like a big old holiday camp to me.

Well, if you think it sounds like a holiday,

why don't you experience being a convict for a day?

I'd love to be a convict for the day!

Yeah, some of your jokes are pretty criminal, Ed.

Life as a convict was tough.

They spent most of their time doing hard labour.

The food was rubbish and the fashion was so last century.

According to regulations,

every year each male convict was issued with two shirts,

two jackets, one waistcoat, a pair of breeches, one woollen cap,

-one hat and two pairs of shoes and stockings.

-Great. Free clothes.

Can you imagine that?

One pair of breeches, one pair of trousers,

two pairs of socks to last you a whole year?

Less washing.

-Your feet would stink! Urgh.

-Hang on a minute.

These shoes are the same for your left and right foot.

-That's a bit uncomfortable.

-Yeah.

-I haven't got any socks.

I'll just borrow your socks.

Oh, no, you don't! Guard!

Right, you two. Out in the yard.

He was the one stealing the socks!

Oh, Amy's in charge of our punishment.

And I thought you were so nice.

So what would they do to us for stealing socks?

You could have your legs put in leg irons, up to a whole year.

These clamped around your ankles? They're heavy, feel.

-They are heavier than I imagined.

-For a year?

-For a whole year.

-My word.

The only person who could put these on or take them off

-was the blacksmith.

-NAOMI GASPS

Anything else?

You might feel the cat-of-nine-tails on your back.

This is a whip with nine pieces of rope, and knots all along the rope.

That is designed to tear the flesh out of your back.

-Oooh!

-I've got a horrible feeling this is involved as well.

You'd be up against that A-frame. Go on, off you go.

-How many lashes for stealing socks?

-25 lashes.

-What?

If this was a holiday camp, I think I'd be asking for my money

-back by now. I don't like this.

-WHIP CRACKS

You're not alone. The convicts didn't like it either.

Some even tried to scale the walls to escape.

I've got a plan.

WHISPERS: (Let's sneak these charlies and do a bolt. Are you flash?)

I am quite flash, actually. I've no idea what you're saying.

I'm speaking flash slang.

It's a code we prisoners use

so no-one knows what we're talking about.

Well, it's working really well.

Hang on. I'll just have a look at my flash vocabulary.

All right, say that again, my fellow lag. Prisoner.

-(Let's sneak...)

-(Quietly get past.)

-(..these charlies...)

-(The prison guards.)

-(..and do a bolt.)

-(And escape.)

Oh, goodness. No, no.

-If we get caught we might end up flogged, or even worse, hanged.

-Ssh!

-Use the code!

-Oh, sorry.

Um, if we get boned we could end up rumped, or even worse, scragged.

And I don't want to get boned or rumped. Not in one day.

Oh, it'll be fine. Follow me.

-(First, we'll double this charlie.)

-(Slip past the guard.)

(And now, we have to palm our hornies at the gatehouse.)

Bribe the policeman at the gatehouse.

-(Yeah.)

-Great, RUN!

Oh, no! I forgot to fake our darbies. GUARD MURMURS

-That means...

-I think I can guess.

Right, you two. Off to solitary.

If you thought Hyde Park Barracks was bad, think again.

It was nothing compared to where prisoners were sent

for solitary confinement

here on Pinchgut Island in Sydney Harbour.

Convicts who were sent here were only allowed to eat bread and water,

which made their stomachs look pinched.

That's why it was named Pinchgut Island.

In the 1800s the Australian government built Fort Denison on it.

Nowadays, it's a restaurant.

The cannons that were used to defend Sydney

are still fired every day at one o'clock.

And today, Ed's lucky enough

-to be allowed to fire one.

-BANG

Ha-ha! Hey! I love Sydney! I love Fort Denison!

Maybe not 200 years ago though.

-What did you say?

-Doesn't matter.

Leg irons, cat-of-nine-tails and solitary

have finally convinced Ed that life as a convict isn't for him.

Shame, really. I was looking forward to some peace and quiet.

-They must be here somewhere.

-They must.

The man at the petrol station said go to Sheffield,

-it's full of Muriels.

-He definitely did say that.

-Ed, you don't think we misheard the man at the garage, do you?

-No, no.

No, he definitely said, "Go to Sheffield, it's full of Muriels

"of all different shapes and sizes."

I'm none too fussy when it comes to a Muriel.

I'd fall in love with her no matter what her shape or size.

That may be, but this town's full of murals.

You know, paintings on the sides of walls, like this one

and that one, and this one.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe Muriel painted them!

I love an artistic lady.

This is the town of Sheffield in Tasmania.

And over the last 25 years,

it's become a massive outdoor art gallery.

With 60 different murals to visit,

you never know what you'll see next. Time to meet mural man Julian.

So, can you tell us a bit more about the outdoor art collection?

When was the first ever mural?

The first mural was painted by John Landis in 1986.

It was called Stillness And Warmth,

-and it was a fun way of bringing the town alive.

-What a lovely...

Is this a zoo or a house? What are they doing with all those animals?

How long does it take to do a mural?

Well, depending on the size... We do the Mural Fest

and the artists are allocated five days to paint a mural.

So, anything bigger than that obviously takes a bit longer.

Yup, this town loves murals.

So much so that every year it has its own Mural Fest.

The winners are decided by judges and a public vote.

Oh, that's a nice one!

I like that one, too. Oh, I want to vote for them all!

So, which one cost the most to make?

This one right behind you here. This one was around about 16,000.

-Wow, that's just under £10,000.

-Yes.

-That's a lot of money for a wall.

Yes, but it has a lot of detail involved with it.

As you can see, it's quite a big painting.

Whilst we have a look at some more of the murals,

I'm also going to keep an eye out for some Muriels as well.

Is it all right if we do this on our own?

-I don't want you cramping my style.

-I wish you luck.

-Great.

Cheers, Julian.

There are murals on the sides of shops, cafes, town walls,

pretty much anywhere that you can paint one.

But most of them are in the well-named Mural Park.

Ah-ah!

This is where the Mural Fest competition actually takes place.

You can wander around and see what tickles your fancy.

This one's too surreal.

This one's too weird.

And this one's just right.

I get it! A Goldilocks joke.

After you've had a look, you get to vote for your favourite.

Well, I know MY favourite.

I wonder if there's any prizes for guessing the winner.

Did you mention prizes?

You know what that means it's time for, don't you?

The rules are simple.

I'm going to ask the lovely Michelle here a question about murals.

If she gets it right, she wins...a mural,

painted by mural man himself Julian Bale. And she can take it home.

Hold on a minute. The whole thing is just too big.

I'd never get it in my suitcase, and...

Sshhhh.

Can you name this brown, stripy animal, featured in this mural?

Well, yes. It's a Tasmanian tiger, also known as a thylacine.

It was a marsupial dog, which is sadly now extinct.

I think I'm right in saying that in this picture,

it's going face-to-face with an angry Tasmanian devil

in front of Mount Roland.

Oh, it IS a Tasmanian tiger!

But unfortunately you didn't give me his name. His name is Bob.

Bob the Tasmanian tiger. But don't worry about forgetting his name.

He won't mind, he's extinct.

-Question two...

-And remember, you could win this mural.

It's of Sheffield's first school, opened in 1867.

It's the oldest building in the town and is currently an ice cream shop.

So, my question to you is...

Will you get me a vanilla cone?

So, that's the question? You want me to get you a vanilla cone?

Yes, get me an ice cream.

Well done, Michelle! You successfully got me a vanilla cone.

Unfortunately you didn't do it in the allotted time

and I'm going to have to disqualify you from winning that prize.

-I'd like to say I'm sorry, but I'm not!

-This is so unfair.

-Here, take your stupid cone.

-Oh. Thank you. Goodbye.

I couldn't live here. I need to be somewhere cooler.

-It is actually quite cool here, Naomi.

-What?

It's the best part of 50 degrees!

And the locals have got a pretty clever way

of dealing with it. They live down under.

We're already down under. We're in Australia. That's where we are.

-No, no. I mean down under.

-What are you talking about?

-Would it help if I sang a song?

-Probably not.

# Coober Pedy is a South Australian outback town

# Where years ago opal mining

# Took place beneath the ground

# Temperature in summer can reach 50 degrees

# This is all quite interesting but can we get some shade, Ed, please?

# Like you, the locals wanted to escape the heat

# And soldiers back from World War I had a solution that was neat

# The original caves that were mined for precious stones

# Were cleverly adapted into cool and comfy homes

# When you say that they lived "down under"

# It's not some grammatical blunder

# No, cos Coober Pedy

# Is renowned

# For people living down under...

# ..the ground

# So this was dug by hand using shovels and picks

# The sandstone walls are firm and strong

# No need for normal bricks

# A kitchen and a bedroom and it's lovely and cool

# If you think that's nice, why not have a dip in the swimming pool?

# Living underground is surely a strange place to dwell

# But everybody does it here There's even a hotel!

# The subterranean church I find is truly awe-inspiring

# And at a constant 24 degrees I'm no longer perspiring

# When I said that they lived "down under"

# You were filled with dread and wonder

# But now I'm starting to come around

# To the idea of living down under the ground

# Tunnelling machines leave pretty patterns on the walls

# So there would be no decorating bills

# But how can we be sure there's enough fresh air for us all?

# Ah, ventilation shafts poke up through the hills

# Think we'd like to stay down under

# How much to stay here, I wonder?

# It's by far the coolest place around

# I could get used to living down under the ground. #

This is my idea of a day's filming.

-Standing on a lovely beach watching the gentle waves.

-Gentle?!

-Ed, they're absolutely massive.

-Huh? Oh, no, not those waves! These ones.

-All right, guys.

-Coo-ee!

-Oh, no, these ones are massive, terrifying.

-Oh, mate.

I'm glad I'm not doing that, putting on those ridiculous small trunks

and going into those massive waves.

Oh, yeah. They wouldn't make us do that, wearing skimpy swimming trunks

and risking life and limb out there.

Hmmm... I wouldn't be too sure about that, lads.

Ed... Please tell me he's joking.

Oh...

You're here to take part in this,

a surf boat competition in Surfers Paradise on Australia's Gold Coast.

Teams from all over Australia battle it out each year

to be crowned champions of the surf.

To earn that crown, each crew has to bravely battle through

these huge waves and get back to shore in the quickest time.

Ed and Iain will each be joining a team as rowers.

So, if I were you, boys, I'd go and find some expert advice.

-Something tells me you'll need it.

-So, what are your credentials?

-Have you done this before?

-Yep, a couple of times.

OK, so what's the number one thing I need to focus on?

Legs down, pull high. Legs down, legs and back.

This is a rowing race, isn't it? I thought it was all about the arms.

-Giving it some of the arms.

-That's what people think,

but it's actually more about your leg drive.

Legs are the biggest, strongest muscles in the body.

The more power through your legs, the faster we'll go.

Separate your hands first.

-And then push it down so your oar is out of the water.

-Yes.

And then just start with your hands first. Forward and back.

-Digging it right into your chest.

-Oh, it's easy, this!

Is it this easy on the water?

-Not really.

-I feel like I'm doing a bit of a dance move.

Worst dance move I've ever seen, Iain.

Push your hands and then rock over. Slide up. You're rowing.

I'm getting carpet burn on my bum already!

That's why you have the costumes up your bum.

-When the seat's wet, you just slide straight up and down.

-Skin on.

Not just a fashion statement.

Ed and Iain in those tiny trunks? Hilarious!

Before they join their teams as rowers,

they're first joining them as coaches. Good luck with that.

Do as I say and we won't go wrong.

I had literally minutes of instruction over there earlier.

All right, guys. People think that this is all about physical,

but I think it's about teamwork, so I want us all to work as a team.

Push-ups! Do push-ups. There we go. That's good. Keep going!

Loads of them.

-All get behind me, please. This is important.

-How are you feeling?

-Great!

-Who's going to win?

-We are!

-Exactly, raaaah!

Come on, we've got some Aussie guys doing the conga. Here we go.

Doo-doo-doo, Team Iain! Doo-doo-doo, Team Iain!

What are those called? Star jumps! Do them! That's good.

-Are you feeling like winners?

-Yep.

-Do you feel like idiots?

-Yes.

Good, let's go!

Sit-ups! Do sit-ups. Do them better.

Can you believe this? I've got two Olympic rowers in my team. Ha-ha!

Leapfrog me. Go!

Next one, go!

-Go, Team Ed!

-Go, Team Ed!

I'm a great coach.

This is a terrible idea.

Oh, no!

-Go, Team Iain!

-Go to bed, Team Iain...

Surfboard competitions have been happening in Australia

for over 100 years,

and the boats used to be made of wood.

Nowadays, they're made of carbon fibre, which is lighter,

but it still takes a lot of fitness and skill to compete,

especially in today's very windy conditions.

So, arms straight, legs bent.

Not arms bent, then straighten your legs?

Excuse me, guys. I'm terribly sorry, I do have some news for you.

-Oh, right.

-OK.

-As you can see,

the conditions have deteriorated.

-It's pretty nasty out there.

-It's pretty windy.

Unfortunately we can't let you row.

To be honest I'm delighted because it looks really dangerous.

It actually is pretty tricky out there.

You can all speak for yourselves. I'm ready to go

-and brace the waves. I'm serious!

-Look on the bright side.

-At least you don't have to wear those tiny swimming trunks.

-What?

But I thought...

Argh! Don't look at me!

-I'm sorry you had to see that.

-It was... Thank you. Yeah.

Now, that's an image I won't forget in a hurry. But I will try.

So health and safety officials say that the water is too choppy

for amateurs like Ed and Iain, so they can't join their teams.

Instead, they'll have to cheer them on from the safety of the shore.

-Get coaching!

-Remember your training. Work those legs!

Keep rowing with the oars really well!

-And stay in the boat, and don't fall out!

-Yeah!

-Let's make Eddie proud!

Go, go, go!

I want long strokes, I want strong legs,

and whatever you do, don't fall in the water.

-Do you understand me?

-Yeah!

-Then get in the boat, come on!

Iain, you're supposed to support them, not scare them!

Look, Ed's actually doing some physical activity.

-Right, turn the boat.

-Yeah, I'll give the orders around here.

I didn't help carry the boat

because I'm keeping my energies for the cheerleading section.

They're getting ready to go. Come on, guys!

-I've got two Olympic rowers on my team.

-I've got an upholsterer.

Right. I think I fancy my chances then.

GUNSHOT

Oh, diddums, did the big bang frighten you?

Both teams make a very strong start.

To win the race, each boat has to row 50m out to sea,

pass the floating marker,

and get back to shore as quickly as possible.

-My lads are in front!

-First boat back's the winner.

-It's like a roller coaster.

-We put that camera on the guy's head.

If that's still there by the time they come to land, I'll be surprised.

-Come on, guys!

-Come on, Team Ed. Come on! Slow and steady wins the race.

It couldn't be any closer.

Both teams are powering through the water like speedboats.

My team are absolutely smashing it.

-I don't think they are.

-They are!

-They're as equal as mine.

How do you win it again?

-You go around the buoy and then back again.

-Oh, right.

-You were the one training them!

-I have no idea.

-Oh, Iain.

It's a good job your team know what they're doing.

Iain's team are past the floating marker,

-with Ed's team very close behind.

-Come on, Team Ed!

Both boats are on the home stretch now,

and at this point, their arms and legs will be aching.

-It's so close.

-They're just in front! Oh, yours have got the surf.

My guys just caught the wave.

It looks like Iain's team have definitely pulled ahead now,

-but Ed's team haven't given up.

-Come on, lads!

-Oh, no! No, no!

-Yes!

Even when Iain Stirling's not doing something,

he beats me in the main event.

Gah!

Ed, Iain, I can confirm the winner of today's title

for this surfboat rowing competition is...

-Iain.

-Thank you very much. Thank you. Another event, another victory.

I'd like to dedicate my win to health and safety.

And I'd like to stomp my feet and walk off in a huff. Gah!

I love Australia.

You've been watching All Over The Place Australia.