Episode 6 All Over the Place

If you want to find out why this man is feeding me

-giant bogeys, stay tuned.

-That's not something you hear every day, Ed.

But it makes me want to pick out

today's best bits with Johny...

You are a strong dude, Roger.

..Naomi...

Ceallach...

What have you done to my car?!

..Ian...

and Susan.

Let's go to the phones and see

how many of these great products we've sold.

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west on a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates all over the place

# It's true what you've heard

# Everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true

# All over the place

# All over the place

# There's stuff to do Down Under that is totally ace

# And it turns up all over the place. #

First up, the Great Barrier Reef in Queensland,

which has its own floating Post Office.

I love being here in Australia.

The sunshine, the warmth, the beautiful Great Barrier Reef.

I'm particularly glad we came to the Great Barrier Reef,

otherwise I would never have met Findlay, my new co-presenter!

Findlay?

Yeah, Findlay the fish.

Your new co-presenter can't even talk, though.

I think you'll find he can.

Sorry, what was that, Findlay?

You want Naomi to go away?

Oh!

You better do what he says, he can get quite aggressive.

Oh, really?!

-See, I told you.

-Stop it.

SPLASH

-You did that on purpose!

-I didn't.

-I'm sorry.

You did! You were jealous of my new career and all the franchise deals

and the Hollywood movies.

We were going to set up our own chain of fish and chip shops.

The least you can do is help me find him!

In the Great Barrier Reef?! But it's massive!

We're never going to find him.

Findlay!

She's right, Ed.

Findlay's only gone and landed right bang in the middle

of the largest reef in the world, the Great Barrier Reef.

It's so big it is the only living structure

that can be seen from space.

No wonder the reef is one of the seven natural wonders of the world.

'Ed and Naomi: you have 43 seconds

'to find out as much as you can

'about the Great Barrier Reef.

'Ed, you have Scott, who knows all about the Reef.

'Naomi, you have Craig,

'who knows all about marine life.

'Whoever wins gets a really special prize.

'3, 2, 1, go!'

-How old is the reef?

-About 20,000 years old.

-What is the smallest species of fish in the Barrier Reef?

-Goby.

-How long is it?

-3,000 kilometres.

-What is the biggest?

-The whale shark.

-How wide is it at its widest point?

-Only about 50 kilometres.

How many species of fish are there in the Barrier Reef?

1,500 different species of fish.

-How deep is it?

-It varies a lot but roughly ten metres deep.

How many fish in total in the whole Barrier Reef?

-Absolutely billions.

-That is a bit of a stupid question.

How far from the Australian coast is it?

It starts at about 27 kilometres off the coast.

I'm English - do they sell chips out there with the fish?

No, they don't. You can't catch fish everywhere.

Can I break a bits of it off and take it home?

No, it's World Heritage-listed, please don't do that.

KLAXON

We did quite well there, didn't we?

And don't take any of that reef home with you.

Naughty reef stealers.

'And the winner is...

-'Ed!'

-Aw!

Great, that means I've got a prize. What's the prize?

'It's a unique Great Barrier Reef experience -

'a chance to walk on the bottom of the ocean!'

Sounds quite good.

The Great Barrier Reef is the most

popular tourist destination in Australia,

with over two million people visiting every year,

and today it has two more visitors.

And prize-winning Ed will be spotting some sea life

under the sea. But he won't even get his hair wet

because this special suit means

he can walk, talk and breathe underwater.

Can you hear me, Ed?

I can hear you, Naomi, yes.

He can hear me!

I feel like I'm in space, but underwater.

It's really, really weird.

And a lot of fish around you.

A massive school of fish, I've never seen so many fish.

It's like walking round in an aquarium.

If you want to play snap,

there's a whole load of fish down here.

I wonder if you'll get this first one.

It's a sort of blue fish with a yellow tail.

I wonder if you can see any of those.

They all have yellow on them somewhere.

There are absolutely loads of these sort of blue things

with yellow tails. I've spotted about...

Bingo!

Well done, Ed, that's the Yellowtail Fusilier.

Give me another one.

It's a very large shell

with a wavy edge.

It opens and closes,

looks like a mermaid could come out of it.

I'm standing right next to it!

It is a giant clam.

I didn't even know these things existed. Look at this!

Well spotted, Ed.

Can you see this?!

I can see, it's amazing!

-It's massive!

-Crazy!

Don't put your hands in it, will you? I have a red one here.

It was a sea cucumber.

What's this, is this a sea cucumber?

Yes, congratulations, Ed - that is indeed a sea cucumber.

You have got them all!

Not only am I having the time of my life,

I have also completed Naomi's snap game.

Wow!

That was amazing!

I had no idea it would be that good!

It's incredible! It's like a whole other world.

Like a completely different planet.

You have no idea when you're on the surface of it all.

I'm so sorry I'm rubbing it in.

It's all right, you had a lovely time.

It's just amazing!

I've never seen so many breathtakingly beautiful fish.

Aw!

I just wish one of them had been Findlay.

Speaking of which, while you were on the sea bed,

look who showed up.

Findlay! All right, mate?

Why is he blanking me?

I don't know, shall we ask him?

What's that you said?

You don't want to talk to Ed any more?

Sorry, Findlay. You want me

to star in your next Hollywood blockbuster,

Finding Findlay 2,

as your co-star?!

Sorry, Ed, looks like we are off to Hollywood.

Come on, Findlay.

I don't care anyway!

I'm friends with a clam now!

Clammy?!

Where are you, Clammy?!

Burrawang, New South Wales.

# From Down Under... #

Good-looking, rugged, versatile.

-All words that describe...

-Ceallach Spellman.

No, the Australian Ute. It's an Aussie icon.

It's an engineering marvel, a true work of art.

Ed, look out!

Is this where Utes come to die?

This isn't a Ute graveyard,

it's Utes in the Paddock,

a tribute to the most popular car in all of Australia,

the trusty Ute.

They can do a lot of different things and are usually associated

with real Aussie men,

so I don't know why Ed was driving one.

-This place is amazing!

-Yeah, welcome to Utes in the Paddock.

Where do all these Utes come from?

They've been donated by local people in the community

and been painted by Australian artists.

Are they all designed by one person?

No, by several different Australian artists

and each aspect is something uniquely Australian.

'Let us now enjoy

'some priceless Australian car art.

'Shall we, darlings?'

Do you think his bum looks big in this?

I don't think it fits, I think he needs a size down.

I haven't got the heart to tell him.

'This piece interprets the indigenous flora and fauna

'through a Dali-esque, surrealist kangaroo.

'Whilst this work celebrates the tradition of outback farming

'through an expressive painted montage.'

I am delighted to tell you that on this occasion

your car has passed its MOT.

Drive home safely.

What have you done to my car?!

'And this exquisite work looks like...'

An outdoor toilet?

I really do love the iconography of this piece.

I would say it's post-modern

because of the social comment on celebrity.

There's a horrible smell round here, though.

Must have been that muesli I ate.

Ceallach, you've used the facilities,

now let's test you on the utilities!

Coming live from a Ute!

I am going to spy something

with my little eye

and if you guess what it is, good for you.

But if you don't, you'll be driving home in one of these.

They don't have engines in, do they?

Exactly!

I spy... I've started the game show now...

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with U.

Ute.

You'd think so, wouldn't you? But no, no, it's...

This former family FE model Ute.

It now impacts plenty of bounce for its buck

and runs on kangaroo patrol.

I wouldn't want to get near that joey in its pouch, either.

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with G.

G...

Grey hair.

It's silver.

Incorrect!

It's actually this flaming Galah!

A 1971 Holden HQ.

It's called Circle Work.

"Flaming galah" is an insult to an Australian,

-so make sure you don't say it to anyone.

-OK.

You flaming galah!

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with N.

No dress sense.

HE LAUGHS

Well, I have better dress sense than this man...

Ned Kelly was an outlaw and folk hero

in Outback history.

Much like myself.

And I'm afraid you've lost

and we're driving home in one of these.

I don't think I will. I have my Ute parked elsewhere.

-Cheers.

-Oh, really(?)

Is that so(?)

See you next time, Ute lovers!

Boys, do you remember where you parked your Ute?

I just hope Game Show Man has not turned into a piece of art!

-Eh!

-No!

Why did you park our Ute there?!

Because he's stupid.

Looks like we're going walkabout, mate.

It looks that way, doesn't it?

# Do the kangaroo hop, hop!

# Do the kangaroo hop, hop... #

Welcome to the kangaroo sanctuary near Alice Springs.

It's a place where injured or orphaned kangaroos

can live and hop to their hearts' content.

The 30 kangaroos that live at the sanctuary

are red kangaroos...

..and can grow taller than the average man

Just as well they have someone taller than the average man

looking after them.

-Hi, there. You must be Brolga.

-I am, mate. How are you?

Not bad. Who have we got here?

It's a little joey.

Hello, little joey.

-Little Benny.

-He's not called Joey, then?

Well, he's a joey but his name's Benny.

Right, I get it. A baby kangaroo is a joey.

He is so cute. How old is he?

He's about six months.

Wow! Oh, you've got two!

-You are kind of like a kangaroo mum.

-I am.

I'm a kangaroo mum of the Australian Outback.

This is definitely worth getting out of bed for.

What a lovely sunrise.

I hope you will be able to tell me what I am carrying a pillowcase for.

That pillowcase would make a great home

for a baby kangaroo that is orphaned.

So this is a surrogate pouch, then?

Yes, yes.

Don't let him near that yet, this has our questions in.

-So we can't put a kangaroo in there?

-Not yet.

-Later on?

-Yeah.

OK. Cos I'm looking at that and thinking, "I need one."

That's a really good one.

-You can have it later if you answer all our questions. Deal?

-Deal.

BENNY: Hurry up, then, I want to get in there.

It looks nice and cosy!

'Let's play the kangaroo hop quiz.'

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

What size of shoe would kangaroo wear?

13½.

How far can a kangaroo hop and how high?

The longest leap recorded is eight metres

and as high as nine to ten feet.

Why is the kangaroo pouch such a great place for joeys to live?

Because it's nice and warm, constant body temperature

and there is milk on tap.

What other animals have pouches?

Koalas, wombats, possums.

How smart are kangaroos?

Very, very smart cos they're Australian.

I've heard that kangaroos can box, is that true?

Yes, kangaroos are really good boxers.

What do kangaroos eat?

Kangaroos eat grass

and the leaves of trees.

They're grazers and browsers.

We've done it!

-You can have that pillowcase now.

-Thank you.

Can I have it to sleep on?

KANGAROO: You can't rest yet.

You got to help me look after me mates!

How old are these ones, then?

When will they come off milk?

This one's Alan.

And this one's Daniel.

They are both about nine or ten months old.

They both need milk until they're about 12 months.

Alan is a good, solid Aussie name.

THEY LAUGH

There's actually a baby inside there now?

Wow, I just saw it!

It just popped its head out. Hello!

OK, it's time to meet a rather larger kangaroo.

This is Roger.

Hello. I guess he's trying to intimidate us,

and I am pretty intimidated.

Roger is the leader of the pack here

and he's not quite so cuddly.

Stay well away from adult kangaroos

unless you're with a kangaroo mum like Brolga.

You want to come in here, boys.

you want to feel his muscles.

I suppose that is an opportunity I shouldn't let...

They're like mine!

That's about the thickness of my arm.

Wow!

You are a strong dude, Roger!

ROGER: 'Sure am, mate.

'That's what life in the Australian outback does for ya.'

I love it here at the sanctuary.

I wouldn't mind living here myself.

I wouldn't mind being a joey in a pouch.

I'd have to kit mine out with some top-notch gear first, though.

I'm not sure where marsupials do their shopping.

Funny you should say that, Ed.

We know you marsupian mums

like to keep your pouches clean with your own tongues,

but some times in the hot Australian desert

you'll need a bit of extra lick.

I have the perfect product for that,

exclusive to Marsupimarket TV.

-Have you now?

-Yeah.

Two litres of Wola-Boga's

100%-organic wombat spit.

It's so easy for you kangaroo mums,

it really is.

Take the top off there like that.

All you do this pour a little bit in your pouch like that and stir...

So easy.

And then you bounce around a little bit, like that,

and you give it a good clean.

SHE SNIFFS AND RETCHES

But what about marsupials without pouches,

like numbats - do they get left out?

Not on Marsupimarket TV, they don't!

This next little beauty will help all you not-pouch-having numbats

fit right in with the 'roos at your local watering hole.

-And it comes with this stuffed joey for a limited time only.

-Wow!

Let's go to the phones and see

how many of these great products we've sold.

OK, no,

that can't be right.

None? Johno, we've sold none.

That can't be right, Johno, can it?

Actually it can,

cos marsupials can't use telephones or the Internet.

They have no concept of money

and they don't watch TV,

so it's not surprising at all, really.

Well, in that case

it won't matter

if I do this.

No, it won't.

HE RETCHES

Join us after the break

when we'll still be wasting our lives on Marsupimarket TV.

The one-and-only marsupial shopping channel.

With exclusive marsupial products!

Exclusive to marsupials.

With me, Johno.

Canberra is Australia's capital city

but not everyone knows that,

including Ed Minogue.

# I just can't get it into my head

# Sydney's not the capital city

# You're saying it's Canberra instead

# I'll show you why if you permit me

# Here we are

# At New Parliament House

# The seat of national power

# Why would that be anywhere else?

# The old Parliament House was here too

# The Aboriginal Embassy's based near

# If what I'm saying isn't true

# Why would any of this stuff be here?

# I may be

# An Aussie national treasure

# But there's one

# Thing you've got to remember

# Canberra, Sydney it isnae

# Canberra

# Sydney it isnae?!

# Canberra, Sydney it isnae

BOTH: # Canberra, Sydney it isnae

# I can't get it into my head

# Canberra's the capital city

# All my life I have been misled

# That's the point of this little ditty

# Here we are

# At the Institutes of Sport

# You'd build this

# In the capital, I'd have thought

# So this place is called The Shine Dome

# The Academy of Science you'll find

# The capital is its natural home

# The roof and walls have been combined

# The arches frame

# 16 different views

# And now I'm

# No longer confused

# Cos I know

# It's been Canberra for ever

# And ever... #

Except when it was briefly Melbourne in the early 20th century.

BOTH: # Canberra, Sydney it isnae

# Canberra, Sydney it isnae

# Now I've got it into my head

# That Canberra's the capital city

# So let's call it a day there, please, Ed... #

The sight of you in that dress...

isn't pretty.

Atchoo!

-Bless you.

-Thanks.

Remind me why we're here again.

Today's event...

Atchoo!

Bless you again. Have this.

Thanks. Can you hold that?

Thanks.

Oh! Oh! No, that is disgusting!

Even for you! Aw!

Do not hand me your bogeys!

That's not snot, Ed.

That's an oyster. That's why we are here in Ceduna,

they're famous for their oysters

and that is why we are sitting in this big oyster shell.

-Oh, right.

-Although, now you come to mention it,

they do look quite a lot like bogeys.

Here we go again.

Atchoo! Ah.

Look, another oyster.

Oh, no.

That's actually my snot this time.

I must be allergic to you!

Remind me not to shake her hand any time soon.

Anyway, guys, this is "snot" a good time to be messing around,

you're here for Oysterfest,

where the good folk of Ceduna in Southern Australia

come to celebrate all things oystery.

Ed and Naomi, I hope you have the stomach to cope with this

magnificent mollusc.

I have never actually eaten an oyster before.

-Have you?

-No. They don't look like the most appetising food

-in the world, do they?

-No.

I'm sure Voiceover Man will make us eat one at some point today, though.

Of course he will! But apparently they are packed full of vitamins

so I say let's see some of that Petrie adventurous spirit

we all know and love. Come on!

Bring on the oysters - rrrr!

Mm.

Cheer up, Ed, the world's your oyster.

Here in "Oysteralia".

Don't be put off by an oyster's crusty old exterior.

Inside the shell is soft, fleshy meat which foodies

the world over go gaga for.

In fact, one billion oysters

are consumed worldwide each year!

-Yum! I think.

-You have some oysters there?

-Yes, I do.

-But not natural - you like them with cheese...

I like them cooked.

You've had them natural and you don't like them that way?

It tastes like snot.

Delicious? Not!

I have never had them before so what is the best way to eat them?

There are so many ways of having them.

You slurp them.

Slurp?! I thought oysters were supposed to be posh food.

Do they taste like snot? Because they look like snot.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, I don't mean to put you off your lunch.

They'll probably go down like it.

Ed and Naomi, you won't be surprised to hear

you'll be taking part in an event that requires you to eat

a lot of oysters.

In fact, you'll need to eat as many oysters as possible

in the time allowed.

Oysterfest attracts up to 6,000 people each year.

Luckily the oysters aren't shy in front of large crowds.

That's because they have experts on hand

with special oyster knives and safety equipment

to "bring them out of their shells".

It's definitely not something to try at home.

Oh! It's all over their chins!

Look at those grey bits!

I don't know. Are they going in our mouth in a minute?

Ed and Naomi, you will be joined

by two expert shuckers.

All that leaves you to do is swallow as many of these

slippery delicacies as is possible before the bell rings.

-Have you done this before, Gary?

-Yes, I have.

And you're good at opening oysters?

I'm moderate. I don't win but I don't lose.

I'm usually around third.

Take your time.

-Take your time.

-Nah!

It's a speed race.

HE SIGHS

Are we going to win?

We'll give it a good go.

What happens if I feel a bit queasy?

Keep swallowing, that's my best advice.

I have some water but I'm a bit worried about throwing up

in front of all these people.

There's a bucket under the table for you.

Hopefully that'll do a nice trick.

Remember that is there.

It will hopefully go well.

You can't put it off any longer, guys.

-I better start shucking some oysters, then.

-Here goes nothing!

I don't know what you two are worried about.

Only oysters!

Walking to my doom.

Has it just made your stomach churn?

It's a lot, isn't it?

I don't want to do it!

I've never had an oyster before.

Pretend you're in a posh restaurant.

Get ready - 3, 2, 1...

Go!

That's one down...no, it's not going down.

He swallowed that, I think. Go on, Naomi.

Oh, no, Naomi's...oh, no, she's done it. She's swallowed it.

I can't do 12 of those!

I couldn't watch you do 12.

It's like eating a rock pool.

Ed's on his second.

I thought that was going to come out the telly there.

Oh!

Ah!

I think Naomi's stopped. Oh, no,

there she goes again.

It's stuck halfway in, halfway out.

It's not going in, she can't do it.

I don't blame her. Just go home, get the plane.

Bleurgh! No!

Don't give her that!

You bad man. How many have they had?

-Ah!

-Right, three,

three to Ed.

AUSTRALIAN VOICE: I've paid good money for this!

-Ah!

-Oh!

Stop any time you want, guys.

-It's disgusting, I can't do this, Ed.

-Don't.

Ed's super-competitive - he doesn't know how many Naomi has had.

Argh!

She's still on two,

but he is going for five.

Oh, no, six.

Oh, Ed!

Naomi has managed her third, Ed is on an incredible six.

This...

Argh!

..is just wrong!

His hand's going into a claw!

Naomi can't keep it down.

Ed's on seven!

It comes straight back up!

Oh!

Ed's on his eighth!

People pay money for this!

-How many?

-Three.

HE LAUGHS

It looks like I can slow down, then!

Ed's just realised Naomi is only on three.

He's still going for a ninth!

Why would you buy these in a restaurant?

The feeling in my mouth is horrible.

Where's the bell? Somebody ring the bell!

Ding!

BELL RINGS

-Yes!

-Thank goodness.

Finally!

You've still got one there. You missed one.

Bleurgh!

Ah, no!

Let's see some of it again.

I'd do a gag here but there's been more than enough gagging.

Congratulations, guys. Well done, Naomi, well done, Ed.

-Thank you.

-Like I said,

you showed exactly how not to eat an oyster,

but that was fantastic, we all appreciated that.

Great composure, Naomi, but today, Ed,

you won, so well done. Congratulations.

-Thank you, Bruce.

-You showed us how to do it.

And now you have the prize, the world is your oyster, Ed.

Really? In that case you can keep it. I don't want it.

You've been watching All Over The Place: Australia!