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Quantum of Rudeness Danger Mouse

Quantum of Rudeness

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Chief!

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# He's the greatest, he's fantastic

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# Wherever there is danger He'll be there

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-# He's the ace

-The ace

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-# He's amazing

-Amazing

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# He's the strongest He's the quickest, he's the best

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse! #

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Sirens!

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Smoke!

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Carnage!

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Was it Danger Mouse's turn to cook dinner?

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They've turned Danger Mackerel into a novelty gift!

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# Hello my darling, hello my honey

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# Hello my ragtime gal. #

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Chief, they've robbed him of every ounce of dignity.

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It's appalling.

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# Hello my darling, hello my honey

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# Hello my ragtime gal. #

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PAINED GROANING

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Danger Mouse!

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And...

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Pipsqueak.

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I'm done for!

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THEY GASP

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Avenge me!

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Oh!

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Um...

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Aargh...

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Stay strong, Colonel.

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Penfold, it's avenging time.

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Ha!

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Chief!

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Not the Professor!

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Nonsense, Penfold.

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She was clearly an evil Professor clone.

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I think you'll find this gift of hers

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would make someone's birthday go with a "bang".

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PUPPY BARKS

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Oh, a puppy.

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Whoops.

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-COMPUTER:

-Training game over.

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Didn't overcook it, did I?

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More of a dancer than an actor.

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Could have gone professional,

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if it weren't for my little

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bunion problem.

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-Ugh...

-Oh...

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Chief,

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do you think you might be a tiny bit trigger-happy?

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Pff! I have the same razor-sharp villain-spotting instincts

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that I've always had, Penfold.

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MICROWAVE BEEPS

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PROFESSOR SCREAMS

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I owe you lunch, Professor.

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Now, why is there a hidden room in your lab?

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It's the legendary Impoliternet.

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Oh, the Holy Grail of behavioural modification

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primary precursor integrated comms networks!

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I'll explain all that mumbo jumbo to you later.

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It was made by Professor Goodman in the 1980s -

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the weirdest and most dangerous time period in history.

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What does it do?

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It was designed to spread politeness through the world,

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but the system was corrupted by a terrible villain

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who threatened to overwhelm the world with rudeness.

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MACHINE WHIRS

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Danger Mouse, what did I just say?

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Something about pancakes?

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Let's see what it does.

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MACHINE BURPS AND BLOWS RASPBERRIES

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MACHINE STOPS

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It seems to know you, Professor.

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But who could have wanted a rude revolution?

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CRASH!

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Your mum, that's who.

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HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

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Brigadier Badboy!

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Yes, well, I suppose it was obvious, really.

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Shut it, Mouse.

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The time of global rudeness has arrived.

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And I'm back.

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MACHINE BEEPS

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ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

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We have two options.

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One - go on an epic quest to find the ancient missing Professor

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Goodman, bravely defying all the parameters of time and space.

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Or two - let the Professor fix it somehow.

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Chief, I'm not sure travelling back in time to 1985 to stop

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the Politernet from being corrupted was the easiest solution.

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Who said anything about easiest?

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Professor Goodman, I presume?

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Guests! How delightful!

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I don't think we've been introduced. I'm...

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Badboy!

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Where's Goodman?

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Gracious!

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A "please" might be nice.

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I am Professor Goodman.

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You've been a bad boy, Badboy.

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It was you who corrupted the Politernet.

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I say, if you need to borrow that,

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I'm happy to lend it to you.

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Don't bother trying to distract me

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with your uncharacteristic politeness, Badboy.

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I am trained to completely ignore every kind of distr...

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What on earth has happened to your legs, Penfold?

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It's exposure to the 1980s!

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The Professor warned us in that scene that was too boring to show.

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I have a sudden urge to do aerobics.

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FUNKY BEAT

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We need to stop him and get out of the 1980s

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before we both end up growing...

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mullets!

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Business in the front,

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party in the back!

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THEY GASP

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Interesting colour choices -

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-avocado and cowpat.

-STRAINING

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Step away from the Professor, villains.

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Danger K!

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It's me, DM.

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I mean, you haven't met me yet but, trust me -

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I'm from the future and I'm here to save the world.

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Impossible.

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There's no way people in the future would still be stupid enough

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to do confusing time travel episodes.

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I think you'll find we're stupid enough to do

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a lot of surprising things.

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DANGER K ROARS

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Chief, what are you doing?

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Fight back!

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He's my future boss.

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You know how bad that would look on my annual report?

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Run!

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Are we hiding, Chief?

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We're not hiding,

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we're reassessing our strategy. Hang on, I'll find a...

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Penfold, is there any chance

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you've grown a moustache since the last scene?

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Not really, Chief.

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Uh-oh.

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AWKWARD LAUGHTER

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It's the legendary HQ disco room!

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Where dreams do come true!

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Villains!

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Let's dance!

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DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

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Ugh!

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No-one puts Danger Mouse in the corner!

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Aargh!

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My blasted bunion!

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I'll never play the dying swan again!

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I promise you, we're here from the future to help you, Colonel.

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Colonel?

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But I'm a General now.

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Awkward.

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But a mystery for another episode.

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Right now we need your help

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and some conditioner for this hair.

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Step away from the machine, Goodman.

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Danger K, you've known me for 20 years.

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I'm no villain.

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True, but these two - whom I've known for less than five minutes -

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say you're a criminal and that's good enough for me.

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GOODMAN SCREAMS

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MACHINE BURPS AND BLOWS RASPBERRIES

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The power!

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The power of the rudeness!

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The power!

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HE BLOWS HUGE BASPBERRY

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Penfold,

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is there a chance that by following my instincts

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I just slightly turned a nice,

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polite Professor into a terrible, rude villain?

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A little bit, Chief...yeah.

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The rudeness!

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The rudeness!

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HE BLOWS BASPBERRY

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Well, I doubt we'll be seeing any more of him.

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I don't want to worry everyone,

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but I'm feeling the urge to say "ace"

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and call you all my homeboys!

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This is bogus, dude.

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It's the '80s effect taking over our bodies.

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We need to get rad and back to the present before it's too late.

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DK, we're going to need your help.

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Fresh.

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ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

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EVERYBODY BURPING

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M'lady. SHE GIGGLES

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The honour's all mine.

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Keep an eye on this chap, DM.

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I can spot a criminal and there's something familiar about that

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moustache I can't put my finger on.

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To de-villainise Badboy, we need to recreate the moment which

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caused him to go all...

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HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

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First, we stealthily sneak up on him as he's...

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CRASH!

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Last one to whack seven bells out of the villain is a sissy.

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For the third time this episode,

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step away from the machine, Badboy.

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Let me think.

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The world is engulfed in rudeness.

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I have complete control.

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So...

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HE BLOWS BASPBERRY

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Last chance, Badboy.

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Remember, deep down you're one of us -

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the good guys.

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You don't have to put yourself through a painful...

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Oh, hit him with the hammers.

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Oh... Oh!

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My rudeness, it's gone!

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I'm cured!

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Professor Goodman, you're back!

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And thus the day is saved by yours truly.

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You're welcome, world.

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It was all your fault in the first place!

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Now, now, Professor, let's not be...

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-rude.

-HE SNIGGERS

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So, um...

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apologies for the whole not-trusting-you shenanigans.

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Let's forget it ever happened.

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Quite.

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Nice being back to normal, what?

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Hmm...

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No, not really.

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It's more fun being rude.

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Much, much more fun.

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-Ah...

-Oh...

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Rudeness forever!

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HE BLOWS VERY LONG RASPBERRY

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Well, I think that proves that my villain-spotting instincts

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were right all along.

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BADBOY BLOWS RASPBERRIES AND BREAKS WIND

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And so the past, present and future timelines of reality

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no longer make any sense and remain unexplained.

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Join us next week, tomorrow and yesterday,

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all at the same time,

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for more adventures of Danger Mouse.

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This is your narrator wishing you a very...

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HE BLOWS RASPBERRY ..day.

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# He's the greatest, he's fantastic

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# Wherever there is danger He'll be there

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse! #

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