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The Scare Mouse Project Danger Mouse

The Scare Mouse Project

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CHIEF!

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# He's the greatest

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# He's fantastic

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# Wherever there is danger he'll be there

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-# He's the ace

-# The ace

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-# He's amazing

-# Amazing

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# He's the strongest, he's the quickest, he's the best

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse! #

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"It was a dark and stormy night..."

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Was the armchair strictly necessary, Colonel?

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Can't tell a scary story without an armchair, DM.

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And this is the scariest story of them all,

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The Tale Of The Headless Postman.

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"In 1790, the Headless Postman roamed the countryside,

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"except on Sundays and holidays.

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"He took sadistic pleasure in stealing money from birthday cards,

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"playing football with fragile parcels

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"and shoving horse poo into mailboxes."

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HORSE NEIGHS

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All that without a head? Impressive.

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HE GRUNTS

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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I want to see the scary man!

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"With the last of his strength, the brave Ichabod Mouse

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"was able to defeat the dread apparition

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"and end his reign of terror,

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"by mailing the villain's head without an address.

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"Lost forever."

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MUNCHING

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Ichabod Mouse, my great, great, great, great uncle.

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He was great.

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"The Headless Postman was so terrifying

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"that he was banned from appearing on television."

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And the telly hadn't even been invented yet.

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-BANGING AT DOOR

-Crumbs!

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HORSE NEIGHS

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SCREAMING

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It's the Headless Postman!

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It's the Headless... Oh, wee-wee coming.

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TINKLING

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Revenge is here, spawn of Ichabod.

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Tonight you will quake.

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You will quiver.

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You'll...

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-Stop that!

-HE GRUNTS

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Slam dunk.

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SHE GROANS

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-End programme.

-SHE SIGHS

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Great bravery test, Professor.

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Loved the skull bit.

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I found it in the ancient disused post room.

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It was marked "Return to sender."

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I wonder if that's important.

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So, A+'s, back pats for everyone, and all in time for dinner.

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Actually, my bravery meter indicates you failed.

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METER BUZZES

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Failed?!

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Agents, I'm very disappointed.

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Hang your heads in shame.

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Focus on me, focus on me.

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How could I fail a bravery test?

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Being truly brave means being afraid of something and still taking it on.

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Psh. I'm not afraid of anything.

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Then you will never be truly brave.

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-That's why you failed!

-METER BEEPS

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SHE MAKES TEASING NOISES

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DM, must have 100% bravery.

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I order you to learn how to be scared.

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I'm afraid I wouldn't know where to start, sir.

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Excellent start.

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Now, can someone give me a lift up to the kitchen?

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It's time for cake.

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GRUNTING

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HE SIGHS

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My revenge is coming, mouse.

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My revenge is...

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-HE GASPS

-Slippery?

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-HE GROANS

-Pup pee-wee!

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Don't worry, Chief. I am a black belt in cowardice.

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-I'll teach you everything I know.

-Great!

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-What are you waiting...

-Boo.

-..for?

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-I'm ready.

-Boo!

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Let me know when you're going to start.

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You know, this is actually quite exciting, Penfold.

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Penfold?

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Penfold?

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Penfold?

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Aye! You!

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Penfold, this isn't going to work.

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Hey! I'm talking to you.

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HE GROANS

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This would be so much easier with legs.

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Hey, I'm trying to be avenged here.

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Are you even listening?

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HE GROANS

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Professor, have you seen Penfold?

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He's trying to SCARE me.

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Forget about Penfold.

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Let's talk about US.

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I know you feel the same.

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Um... I'm not sure I do.

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Let's not keep our passions caged any longer.

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Let it out, Chief.

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Say the words that torture our souls.

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I love you.

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HE SCREAMS

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Professor, stop.

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Think how awkward it would be at work.

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You and I, together, forever.

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Now, kiss me!

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Kiss me dangerously!

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OK, just don't hurt me.

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Touch me with those, and I will gene-splice you so bad

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you'll be growing antennae out of your backside.

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What?!

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Who's that?

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Hmm.

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Och, you're lovelier than raspberry jam, Chief.

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Go on, give your little squawky a peck on the...

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-HE SCREAMS

-Penfold, did you ask the colonel

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if you could borrow this hologram?

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Sorry, Chief, but I knew you'd be terrified

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of a kissy-kissy professor.

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Interesting. I did have a tightness in my chest

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AND butterflies in my stomach.

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Sounds like you WERE scared, Chief.

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It was certainly scarier than that annoying, talking skull.

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What talking skull?

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This one!

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And soon you will truly understand the meaning of...

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Chief! It's the Headless Postman.

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It's more a postman-less head.

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Pay attention, I'm avenging here.

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I have a special delivery for you,

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a delivery of terror!

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Oh, go on, then, but I'm warning you, I have nerves of steel.

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Behold, my true form!

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This scene was rated too scary for television,

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so here's a picture of a kitten and a puppy instead.

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THEY SCREAM

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Whoa! Went back too early.

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What about now?

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THEY SCREAM

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I'm not paid by the hour, you know.

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What's that? I am?

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Right.

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Take your time.

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Oh, no. They're ready for us.

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You can't hide from me forever, spawn of Ichabod.

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I will find you.

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Chief, you're terrified.

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If it wasn't for the fact I'm frozen in fear, I'd celebrate.

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I have waited for 200 years for my revenge.

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I will first terrify the ones you love,

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and then everyone else in the world forever!

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HE SQUEALS

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HE SCREAMS

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He's coming! He's coming!

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PENFOLD SCREAMS

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You can't hide from me forever, spawn of Ichabod.

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I will find you.

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THEY SCREAM

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Ow! Ow.

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Hedgehog spikes.

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Do you mind?

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This one's occupied. Oh, my!

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HE FARTS

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Well, that's loosened everything up nicely.

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BONES CHATTER

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Chief, you need to face your fear and get out there.

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Here's a better idea,

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why don't YOU face my fear and get out there?

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BANGING

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HE GASPS

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Did you hear that?

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I'm pretending I didn't.

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-HE SQUEALS

-Scary child! Scary child!

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It's only Danger Puppy, Chief.

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Were you running away?

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Yes!

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But... But you're heroes.

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And lo... That's too low.

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And lo, the end of days is upon us, viewers,

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as our heroes abandon their duty to cower in a wardrobe.

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Has it come to this?

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The world's mightiest agent scared of a puppy?!

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He's right, Chief. This is bad.

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No-one's scared of puppies.

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Or are they?

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Penfold, I have an idea.

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It's time for everyone to face their fears.

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I will need you to push.

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BONES CHATTERING

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HE GRUNTS

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-Penfold?

-Yes, Chief?

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I'm really scared.

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BONES CHATTER

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That's all right, Chief.

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We can be scared together.

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Thank you, Penfold.

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Right. Ready or not...

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-BOTH:

-Definitely not!

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..here we come, Postman.

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Open your eyes and behold the terror of...

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-Postman! Postman!

-Oh, a dog!

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-HE SCREAMS

-I hate dogs!

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Come back, Mr Postman!

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Let's play!

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What happened?

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Everyone's scared of something, and what are postmen afraid of?

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Stamps that are still wet with other people's saliva?

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Dogs, Penfold.

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But, yes, I imagine that's not very nice either.

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Help!

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We'll let them play for a bit, then close the track.

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HE BARKS

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POSTMAN SCREAMS HE BARKS

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-Help!

-POSTMAN GRUNTS

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DM, you've shown yourself to be a lily-livered, scaredy cat,

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"Ooh, a ghost, a ghost,"

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-cowardy custard...

-We get the idea, Colonel.

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But brave, DM.

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Oh, gosh, brave.

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I couldn't have done it without Penfold or Danger Puppy, sir.

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Where DID you send the Postman?

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Hey, Baroney, there's a parcel for you.

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It is a big one.

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WRAPPING RIPS

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THEY SCREAM

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And so Danger Mouse learns that without fear there is no courage,

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and small puppies are terrifying, or something like that.

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Join us next time for another horrific adventure of Danger Mouse.

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# He's the greatest

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# He's fantastic

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# Wherever there is danger he'll be there

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse! #

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