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Emperor Zorlok, we can't let you destroy planet Earth!
-It's our favourite planet!
-But it gets in the way of the sun
-when I'm topping up my tan.
-But you don't tan, you're green.
More to the point, destroying a planet is against galactic law.
Yes, and it's very, very, very naughty.
I have an entire battlefleet at my disposal.
A million warriors, armed to the teeth with state-of-the-art
pulse disintegrators, gravity cannons and guff rays!
Who would dare try to stop me? You?
If...if you really want to blow something up, what about Venus? No-one'll miss it!
-Apart from the Venusians!
-Oh, I have an idea.
What about if you and Coordinator Zang have a duel?
-We will do no such thing!
-A duel? I rather like that idea.
-Now look what you've done!
-But I want to fight a human.
-And definitely not me?
-I want to fight Earth's mightiest champion.
If he, or she, can defeat ME, I shall spare their planet.
Earth's mightiest champion it is!
I shall return in three hours for the greatest battle of all time.
How exactly are we going to find Earth's mightiest champion?
-I think I know where to start.
Hey, guys! My name's Dani, and this...
..is her best friend, Jack!
Thanks. My name's Dani, and this...
-..is her brother, Max!
-And his best friend, Ben!
As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this..
-..is her friend, Ruby!
-And I'm her sister, Maisy!
And I'm Dani, and this is the brilliant Dani's House.
ALL: Our house!
THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER
I am Earth's mightiest champion!
Aren't you taking this a bit seriously?
I mean, it's only a dance game.
Yeah, which I happen to be the most awesome player ever at.
-In your dreams!
-Eat my silky moves.
Yes! I am the undefeated Alien Dance-Off champion of the world!
Well, technically, you're the undefeated Alien Dance-Off champion
of the house.
I don't get why I keep losing! I'm twice as fit as you two!
Wow, Ruby! You really can't stand losing.
Losing is for losers!
Then why don't you stick at something you're good at?
She's good at losing!
-Restart the game, twinkletoes!
-Let's make it quick.
I'm due at McHurties in an hour to film a scene with a giant vicar.
-Don't worry, this will be over before you know it!
You don't seriously think Jack is Earth's mightiest champion?
You heard him, Coordinator. He said so himself.
He was talking about a videogame.
Emperor Zorlock is the most feared barbarian in the universe.
He has muscles of steel, reflexes like coiled springs,
and breath like a bucket of rotten prawns.
And Jack is just a DJ who likes stuffing his face with junk food.
Zorlock will be here in three hours.
If we don't present him with Earth's mightiest champion,
he's going to destroy the planet.
Ah, here it is. Our teleporter.
We can't go back down there, Coordinator.
Last time was a near disaster!
And Jack won't even remember us, we wiped his memory.
Then we'll just have to unwipe it!
What's a-happening, smellies?
I thought you two were playing ultimate chess.
We decided to call it a draw.
Woah, is that Alien Dance Off? When did you get this?
Hands off. I don't want you to break it, sell it, or steal it.
I share my things with you.
The only thing you ever shared with me is tonsillitis.
-Technically, that's still sharing.
-Can I have a go of the game, Dani?
Don't fall for it, Dani. She's even naughtier than Max.
I'm not naughty, I just have different values to you.
-Oh, come on, let's have one quick go.
-No, I don't trust you.
-But we're flesh and blood!
-Yeah, and the thought of that
makes my skin crawl. You're a horrible little weasel, Max,
and I wish you were never my brother. Now get lost!
Come on, Maisy. Let's leave the older children to their game!
-That was a bit much, wasn't it, Dani?
-He gives as good as he gets.
Ha! I danced you over the edge of the volcano,
straight into that lava serpent's mouth!
-Oh, come on, how is that fair? I wasn't even looking.
In your face, magma pants!
'In your face, magma pants!' Come on!
-How dare she talk to me like that?!
-Like Ruby treats me any better.
It's an outrage!
All I've ever done is dedicate my entire life to embarrassing her.
Same here! To Dani, I'm just some stupid kid.
You'd think Ruby would see the funny side of all the times I've
sold her stuff, posted her personal details online,
I've put live eels in her bed.
Maisy, do you think I'm a bad brother?
If you're a bad brother, then I'm a bad sister,
and I know for a fact that I am an amazing sister.
Do you think Dani would be nicer to me if I was nicer to her?
Woah, stop the press! Where did that crazy idea come from?
I'm not sure, but I think it's time I became a better brother.
Dum dum duuuuum!
I am so glad you've decided to resolve your differences.
-We've been fighting forever.
-Let's start at the beginning.
When do you first remember arguing?
Well, it all started way back when we were little kids.
Max challenged me to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Max beat me and spent six months gloating about it.
Ever since then, he's always had to have one up on me.
He can't let things go.
Well, why don't you just let bygones be bygones and shake hands?
-How about it, Dani?
-Sure. Why not?
Oh, yes! Scissors defeats paper. I win again.
In your face, loser!
-Do you have everything you need for the mission?
-I think so.
flask of weak tea,
spare spare scarf,
spare autograph book,
-You're not going on a pleasure trip!
Well, I'll leave the sandwiches behind, then.
Bring the sandwiches, but leave everything else.
-Even my scarves?
-Even the scarves. Now, brace yourself.
I'm almost ready to teleport us.
Just need to remember how this thing works.
You OK to keep Max and Maisy away from my stuff while I'm at work?
I'll watch them like the hawkiest hawk that ever hawked.
-They won't come within 20 metres of your game.
-See you later, guys.
-Have a good day.
-Right. Alien Dance-Off?
-Nah. I've got a new challenge now.
Making sure Max and my sister stay upstairs and out of trouble.
Oh, fine. I'll just zap some aliens back into space on my own, then!
I can't believe it! Back in Dani's house again and we've missed her!
We're not here to meet our idols, Coordinator Zark.
True. We're on a very important mission.
We've got less than three hours to save planet Earth!
-You're already eating the sandwiches?
So, when Dani comes home from work,
I'm going to present her with this massive bunch of flowers.
-So, you're really doing this?
-And then I'm going
to read out an apology for all the times I've treated her badly.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, Ruby, what a pleasure! How can I help you?
-Whatever you're both planning, I'm going to stop you!
You heard. I'm going to stop you, Max,
and I'm going to stop you so hard, you'll need to get airbags fitted!
I don't think you do want to try and stop me.
Max was planning to buy Dani a massive bouquet of flowers
and apologise for being nasty to her.
-You expect me to believe that?
-What exactly is it you think we're up to?
-You're both planning to take Dani's game.
-Oh, you're completely wrong.
I don't think so! You're two of a kind. Trouble with a capital T!
-And that's T with no sugar.
-You barely even know me!
Dani's told me all about you, Max, and if you even set one foot
outside this door while Dani's at work, I'll make sure you regret it.
You're a disease, baby, and I'm the cure!
What's the point in trying to change
if everyone just thinks the worst about me?
If you're serious about this,
it's going to take time to prove you can change.
Forget change, I'm through with change.
If Dani and her friends just think I'm some stupid kid who wants
to cause trouble, that's exactly who I'll be.
I'm going to steal Dani's game after all, and you're going to help me.
Dum dum duuuuum!
Behold my funky disco, you alien scumbags!
-Help us, Jack!
-You're our only hope!
I'm sorry I said alien scumbags! Just please, don't probe me!
I'll do anything! I've got a terrible fear of impossible
and totally unlikely things!
-Jack, it's us!
-Coordinator Zang and Coordinator Zark.
Don't you remember?
I think I'd remember meeting a pair of aliens! Agh!
Well, there goes Earth's mightiest champion, wetting his pants
and running away. Prepare the device.
Jack! Oh, Jack!
Go away, I'm not here!
-Please, just keep away from me!
-Do it, Coordinator.
Use the Remind-atron.
No, please! Please don't exterminate me!
I remember. Zang, Zark, you're back! How've you been, guys?
-Ah! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
-Jack, we need your help.
-We need you to fight someone!
-But I'm a DJ, not a fighter.
If you don't do it, we have to find someone else!
We haven't got time for that.
-Well, who is it you want me to fight, exactly?
I'm Emperor Zorlock, conqueror of the Celestine archive.
Wielder of the mighty spear of galactic destruction.
Holder of the 100m breaststroke certificate of doom!
I'm fearsome, I'm handsome, and I make a mean cheesy omelette!
Er, what was that?
That was a video Emperor Zorlock made for an outer-space
-internet dating website.
-What, and you want ME to fight HIM?
Well, if you don't, Zorlock will destroy the Earth!
Yeah, but won't fighting him be slightly dangerous?
Oh, incredibly dangerous.
Zorlock has over a thousand years of combat experience.
He's the most feared warrior in the cosmos!
The mention of his name makes even the dreaded Orblons go
weak at the knees!
-And the Orblons don't even have knees.
You're the best at defeating alien scumbags! You said so yourself.
Those are aliens in a videogame! There's a teeny bit of a difference!
-We can train you!
-You're not scared, are you, Jack?
Scared? Me? Ha, ha, please! I eat wimps like him for breakfast.
-I thought humans preferred corn flakes.
-I knew you were our man.
-Woah, Nelly! Hang on, I never said I do it, OK?
-I'm busy today.
-Busy with what?
-I've, er, got to wash the car.
-You don't have a car, you don't even drive.
First, I need to learn how to drive, save up the money to buy a car,
actually buy the car, and then wash it.
Jack, if you do this, you could be a hero to the whole of humanity.
And you could really show off to Dani and Ruby!
So, what do you say?
OK, OK, I'm in. What choice do I have?
-We knew you were our man.
Let's get started.
-We've less than three hours to save planet Earth!
-No pressure, then(!)
-I'm so excited to be back.
-What are you up to in there?
-How's everything going there? Is Max behaving himself?
Don't you worry about Max or my sister.
I've got them both under surveillance!
-Dani! This is James, he's playing our vicar.
Got to go...
-She thinks she's so smart.
-Don't underestimate my sister, Max.
She doesn't back down easily.
I've never backed down from a challenge, either.
This is where we are, the top of the house,
and this is where Dani's game is, and this is Ruby.
So, what's the plan?
First, I need my paints, then I need you to tell me
everything you know about Ruby that can help us,
her weaknesses, her insecurities, her flaws.
-I'll enjoy that!
-And then, I need you to cause a distraction.
Get your high-quality sporting goods here!
Training shoes, tennis balls, netball skirts...
Madame! Can I interest you
in some half-price athlete's foot powder for your stinky feet?
Maisy, what are you up to?
Why do you always assume the worst about people?
-I'm just trying to make some pocket mon... Oww!
My leg, it hurts, it really hurts!
What's the matter, what is it?
I don't know, it's a shooting pain,
-like a needle jabbing right into it.
-Show me where it hurts.
Wait a minute! Where do you think you're going?
I can still see you, Max.
Well, it was worth a go!
-It's not over yet!
In order to defeat Emperor Zorlock,
we must teach you the most ancient of our martial arts.
HE COUGHS AND CHOKES
JACK IMITATES ZANG'S COUGHING
-I'm loving all these strange alien words!
-That's not what it's called.
I just inhaled a fly.
To master our technique, you must first learn the rules of combat.
Rule one. Battles are won with the head, not with the fist.
Rule two. Disregard rule one. Hit him before he hits you.
Rule three. If you try to hit him and miss, run away very, very fast.
This is our most ancient and holy weapon.
The Wobbly-Bobbly? I'm supposed to fight him with this? I can't do it.
-Where are you going?
-To make a sandwich. Sorry, guys.
You're going to have to find someone else to be your hero.
Clearly, we need to exploit one of Ruby's other weaknesses.
What else can you tell me about her?
-She has a soft spot for charitable causes.
-This is good. What else?
-She has a weird fondness for animals.
-This is great material.
I can work with this.
Hand me the phone, Maisy, and watch the master at work.
'We've been trying to get hold of someone who can help!'
-Why, what's happened?
-A whale has washed up on the local beach.
We need every good soul we can find to help rescue it!
OK, I'll be there as soon as I can.
I can't believe that worked.
-My sister's soft on animals to the point of stupidity!
Er, how stupid do you two think I am, exactly?
Another point to the Rubester!
We can't go through or past Ruby, so we'll have to go around her.
-It's a hidden door.
This house used to be full of secret passageways,
but Mum and Dad boarded most of them up.
-They never found this one, however.
-But why didn't we use it already?
-I swore I'd only ever use it as a last resort.
-It goes via the plumbing.
-No wonder it was the last resort.
That's just mingin'!
-Why don't one of you fight him?
-Zorlock wants to fight a human.
So, find a human who isn't as scared as I am.
-What about Ruby?
-There isn't the time to train her.
-Zorlock will be here any second!
Zorlock's just a bully. He just needs someone to stand up to him.
-Bullies are all cowards underneath.
-Well, he didn't look like a coward!
He looked like he was capable of ripping my head off
and using it as a scatter cushion.
Jack, please. He's going to disintegrate your planet!
Then, if you don't mind,
I'd like to enjoy this last ever sandwich in peace.
So, you thought you could hide by coming to Earth?
Well, I traced your biosignals!
I promise you, Emperor Zorlock, we weren't hiding.
We came here to find Earth's mightiest champion.
And where is this champion?
Is it you?
Well? Hmm? Answer me!
I said, answer me!
Suspiciously quiet in there.
-No way, it stinks in there.
Fine, I'll go alone.
We'll keep in contact with these walkie-talkie watches.
Wish me luck.
-What's wrong with you, human? Why won't you speak?
-I want my mummy!
Reveal yourself, champion, immediately!
or I will order my battlefleet to turn this world to ash!
-Max to Maisy. Come in, Maisy!
-This is Maisy. How is it in there?
-The floor is sloping away from me!
I think I'm going to... Waaaaaah!
Max, are you OK? Max!
Are you Earth's champion?
Na-ha! Alien! Alien!
That isn't Earth's champion either.
He is now. Take arms, human.
What's this? Ha, ha, wobbly!
-That could have hit me!
-Just run, for your life!
-Get back here!
Get back here and defend your planet! Mwahahahah!
Dani! No, no, everything's under control.
No suspicious noises coming from Max's room.
CHAIR FALLS OVER
Er, how are things there?
The guy playing the vicar hit his head on the studio lights.
They're sending me home early!
I do wish you'd be more careful. These lights are very expensive.
No need to rush, take your time.
Everything's fine here...probably.
Oh, what's the combination? Oh, Max! There's only one thing for it.
We have to get downstairs, now!
You think that just by demanding it,
I'm going to give in and let you go downstairs and take Dani's game?
-Oh, but Max is in trouble!
-Max is in his room.
There's a secret passage that leads from his room to the kitchen.
It's really, really smelly, he went down it,
and I think he could be hurt.
Maisy, you've tried some lines over the years,
but that is just desperate.
-Oh, I'm telling the truth!
-That'd be a first!
I promised Dani I'd keep an eye on you both,
and I never back down from a challenge, so, tough!
-I'm not budging!
Where is your honour?
Same place as my understanding of what's going on. Who are you?!
I am Zorlock, destroyer of...things.
Food. More food'll take my mind off things!
Good old reliable food!
-Come to me, my beauty!
-Why are you being such a coward, Jack?
-Shut up! You're not real.
-Think of your pals.
-They're relying on you to save them.
-You're just my guilt talking.
-Do the right thing. Don't let Max face Zorlock alone.
-I know, I know.
I can't let everyone down, but... I'm scared.
Being a hero is about being scared, but doing the right thing anyway.
-You're right. Thank you, sandwich.
It's time to step up. Just call me Earth's mightiest champion.
Be a love and pop me back in the fridge, would you?
There's a salmon bagel in there I'm rather fond of.
That was weird.
-This isn't going well.
-Please don't hurt me!
Leave him alone, you big bully!
I'm Earth's mightiest champion, and I'm here to defend my planet.
I knew he'd come through!
Well, well, well. This just got interesting.
Looks like you had a lucky escape, puny boy.
OK, you're right, I am lying. Max didn't fall down a secret passage.
-I knew it!
-I just keep lying to people, Ruby. I've tried to stop.
But I caaaaan't! Big lies, medium-sized lies, enormous lies.
-I'm obsessed. I'm such a terrible person!
-No, you're not!
I am, and I'm horrible to you.
Maybe we could both treat each other a bit better.
You're such a good person, and I'm such a terrible little sister.
Oh, I'm sorry, Maisy. Would it help to talk about your problems?
It might, but first, I'm going to go and check on Max...
-Don't bother chasing after me, I've tied your shoelaces together!
Max, are you OK?
Of course I'm OK. I am Max, I am supercool.
-Are you trembling?
Well, if you're the best that Earth has to offer,
then this puny planet deserves to be destroyed!
Wait! Why do you want to disintegrate the Earth?
-What's it ever done to you?
-It gets in the way of me having an even, all-over tan!
-But you're green.
Right, Maisy! Whatever you're...
-Now do you believe that Max was in trouble?
Hello? Look, Zorlock. Earth's a pretty amazing place.
It's not perfect, but does it really deserve to be blown up?
-Look, I guess I've just got a lot of pent-up rage.
-I know, I know.
Come on. Let it all out.
When I was little, none of the other podlings took me seriously.
Becoming an inter-galactic warlord,
it was the only way I could get any attention.
Plus, this job is just so stressful. I work such long hours.
It sounds to me like you need a holiday.
What about a holiday on Earth? It's a beautiful place.
And it's the only planet in the galaxy with television!
You don't have television where you come from? Show him, Jack.
It's bad news, I'm afraid, Mr Spellbub.
The spider eggs in your hair are beginning to hatch!
-What is this?
-This is called a soap opera, but we have dramas,
quizzes and top-rated comedy shows starring beautiful people!
-I want a television!
-I'm sure you could buy one.
I want THIS television! Oh, I think I'm in love!
There's no way I could disintegrate the Earth now.
I've got too many TV shows to watch!
Yeah, well, that's actually my friend's telly, so...
Mwwahh! Come, let's get married!
Well, it looks as if the Earth is safe once more. Well done, Jack.
You used your head rather than your fist.
You truly are Earth's mightiest champion!
Can anyone explain to me what exactly is going on today?
-Don't worry about it.
If you hadn't noticed, you're an alien!
Yeah, and I'm Earth's mightiest champion. In your face, Rubes!
-This place is crazy.
-You get used to it.
Max, Maisy, I owe you an apology.
-Guys, I'm home!
OK, Dani's been at work and I don't think she wants to come home
-to find two aliens in her house!
Plus, I don't want to see Dani's reaction when she notices
the TV's gone. Well done, again, for saving the Earth. Bye, now!
Wait a minute...
-So, what have I missed?
-I'm Earth's mightiest champion.
Are you still going on about that game?
-What has Max been doing?
-Why do you always think everything's my fault?
Because it always is.
Dani, I think we need to give Max and Maisy
the benefit of the doubt a little more often.
Yeah! If you hadn't leapt to the conclusion that I was going
to try and break or steal your game,
I wouldn't have been trying to break or steal your game!
-Oh, so you were up to no good?
-Not until you got in our faces!
Yeah, and if Maisy hadn't jumped in when she did,
I'd have been pummelled by a vicious alien spobbly-bobbly!
OK, maybe I have been a bit unfair.
You can have a go at Alien Dance-Off, what do you say?
-Nah, this is far too unrealistic.
-OK, I'm going to watch some TV.
Where's the telly?
So it looks like planet Earth lives to orbit another day!
-Indeed, it does, Coordinator Zarg.
-I had fun today!
-So did I.
And you know what?
I think, deep down, Jack and his friends had fun too.
What a shame they won't remember us being there.
Prepare to wipe their memories in three, two, one, wipe!
Hold on! That was the wrong button! That wasn't the amnesia ray control!
You activated our nudity beam!
THEY ALL SCREAM
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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