Pen Pal Dani's House

ELECTRONIC BEEPS

Are you writing to your pen pal again?

Guess what, he's invited me over for dinner.

You can't go over to his place, that's totally irresponsible.

Look, I know you're jealous,

but there's room in my life for both you and my pen pal.

I'm not jealous, I'm worried about you meeting strangers online.

What do you know about him? What's his name?

Ming The Merciless, Emperor Of The Evil Empire,

but I think that's just his user name.

Right. And where's he from?

The planet Zanat.

Zanat! The Zanat who prey on our species?

The Zanat who declared war on us three times last year?

The Zanats who like to eat us as a snack?

Ming's not like that.

Did he invite you over to eat dinner,

or did he invite you over to BE dinner?

Promise me you won't meet up with him?

OK, all right, going over there for dinner is a terrible idea.

Plus, to catch a space bus to planet Zanat

would mean I'd miss Dani's House, and no pen pal is worth that!

Hey, guys, my name's Dani and this...

-Is her best friend, Jack.

-Thanks. My name's Dani and this...

-Is her brother, Max.

-And his best friend, Ben.

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this...

-Is her friend, Ruby.

-And I'm her sister, Masie.

And I'm Dani, and this is the brilliant...

ARGUING

WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

Oh, no.

Ohayou gozaimasu? Say sayonara, because I'm going to Japan.

That's nice, but can we focus on the real drama?

In my latest script, my character has to confront Nurse Thorne

and challenge her to a sword fighting duel.

So you get your very first stunt double, right?

No, I won't get a stunt double, I lied on my CV.

-Said I was a fencing expert.

-Why would you do that?

A white lie. I also said I could ride circus horses,

play the lute and speak fluent Latin.

I've told you lying is a bad idea.

If I hadn't, I wouldn't have got the part.

-Swords are sharp, you'll get hurt.

-Remind me why you're here again?

Check it out.

My mum joined this gap year website and totally hooked me up.

I met a Japanese guy called Kashuro.

I'm going to try and get an invite and go and stay with him.

That's a bit risky, you don't know anything about him.

I know he lives on the ski slopes of Mount Fuji.

Just think, a snow pass, free accommodation and a paid job

working the lifts and that's not all.

His brother is the one and only Isiguru Shakatoki.

-I've no idea who that is.

-The World Champion snow boarder?

If this comes off, Ishiguru's going teach me how to snow board.

-What's the catch?

-No catch, when we've become besties,

he'll invite me to come and stay with him in Japan.

Konnichiha, dude. That's Japanese.

I'm hanging at my mate's place.

I've got a recipe for ginger cookie surprise.

What? Don't say you're baking, say something interesting.

I'll tell him about taking a tour of the Dotty Doughnut factor last week?

You think that's going to impress him? Say you go underwater caving,

or you're sending this e-mail

-while dangling from a hang glider?

-No! You might

lie about fencing to bump up your application but I'm not going to.

But that's how I landed the part. A few white lies opens doors.

Dishonesty is frowned upon in Japanese culture.

Speaking of Japanese culture, I've got a craving for pizza.

I wish Jack would let me help him seem more exciting.

A good friend wouldn't rest until Jack's trip to Japan was a reality

and I am a very good friend.

'Dear Koshiro,

'so much to tell you about my windswept dare-devil lifestyle.

'Where do I begin?'

Max, you can do this, think positive. You're where?

Waiting outside the fitting rooms?

I don't know, tell her she looks good, or something.

Make something up, be nice, we need Katy to like you.

I don't understand. Max on a date with an actual girl?

Katie Pepper. Her dad's Tommy Pepper,

the famous record producer. The guy who turned down Lady GaGa.

She promised to give her dad our demo CD if Max goes on a date with her.

-She's taking him clothes shopping.

-Ouch! That must be torture for Max.

MOBILE

Hello? Sorry, he's not here. Can I take a message?

Yep, uh-huh, OK, bye.

That was Katy Pepper. She said she can't make the date today

because Justin Bieber invited her to his pool party.

Then who is Max out shopping with?

Some other girl called Katy. Young love can be so complicated.

I've got to warn Max.

Max, if you get this voicemail, you are out with the wrong Katy.

Abort the date, abort immediately!

DOORBELL CHIMES

Thank goodness you're here, someone to practise my fencing on.

The book from the library is actually how to install

a chicken wire fence, nothing to do with sword fighting!

-Prepare to die!

-Sorry, Dani, I don't have time.

What are you doing, baking more cookies?

No, you'll never guess. Kashuro is coming to visit.

Here? He's coming here?

I thought you were the one who was meant to visit him in Japan?

He's got a stop over on his way to the Dusseldorf mung bean festival.

-He suggested we meet up and I invited him here.

-You can't!

If I host him here, he'll feel obliged to return the hospitality

-on the ski slopes at Mount Fuji.

-Tell me this isn't happening!

I was worried this was going to happen. Just because I've got an

exciting new friend that doesn't mean you can't still be my friend.

Yeah, You're a little bit less interesting...

It's not about that, you pumpkin, I've got something to tell you.

-I've been writing to Kashuro pretending to be you.

-What? When?

Once or twice a day, for the last seven days.

You hijacked my log in and e-mailed Kashuro?

I was trying to make you seem more exciting, bump up your application.

-What did you say?

-That you had a black belt in Karate.

-That's cool.

-You've a little puppy.

-I love dogs.

-You are Lord Jackson Appleby.

You live in a castle with many servants and once wrestled a tiger.

-Are you crazy?

-I panicked. Kashuro mentioned a Canadian pen pal.

As soon as I realised you had competition...

What? He's been e-mailing other pen pals?

That's why I had to give you a castle. You need to make sure

-you're the one he chooses.

-The one who gets to stay for free

MOBILE RINGS

That's Kashuro. He got an earlier plane, he landed and he's on his way.

Wow! That was really fast. Normally you get held up at check in.

Next, please! Good afternoon, sir, and welcome to Air Cheapo.

We keep our prices like we fly our planes, so low it's scary!

Have you got any baggage to check in?

Sent it on ahead.

Very wise, we'd only lose it! Do you have your ticket?

Sent it on ahead.

Very organised. Now all I need is your passport.

Sent it on ahead.

In that case, have a good flight, sir.

Er, where's the plane?

Sent it on ahead!

Kashuro's on his way over. What am I going to do?

-Pretend to be Lord Appleby, How long is he staying?

-24 hours.

With jetlag and sight seeing, that's more like four hours.

-This is do-able, trust me.

-I don't have much of a choice!

-I'll have to be Lord Apppleby's brother, Hugo.

-I have a brother?

When your mum died in the plane crash you discovered your

half-brother living in the attic. Caring for him is the only thing

-that kept you sane.

-I'm changing my password.

-Doughnut?

-Ah, I'm changing it again.

-Doughnuts? Again!

-Ketchup?

-Are you psychic?

Hurry up, Kashuro's going to be here any minute!

-Voila!

-You might want to cut back on

the girly twirls and French, you're supposed to be a Lord?

That's better.

DOORBELL CHIMES

That's him, let me do all the talking.

-No chance! That got us in this mess in the first place.

-Jack!

DOORBELL

Jack!

Bonjour, gozaimasu. Welcome to England.

Very pleased to meet you, Lord Appleby. I looked for your car

picking me up from the airport but I couldn't find it.

Er, I gave the chauffeur the day off, it's his sister's wedding.

-This is my brother, Lord...

-Hugo!

Pleased to meet you, Lord Hugo.

This must be the brother you rescued from the tiger?

Yes, the tiger.

I'm lucky to be alive.

Can I see your scars?

Maybe later.

Are you wearing lipstick?

Yes. What if I am?

Ha-ha! Come in.

I have to say, your English is really impressive.

Dmo arigat. I watch a lot of TV.

What's it like living on Mount Fuji?

Do you get to spend a lot of time with Ishiguru?

-Who?

-Your brother, the champion snowboarder?

Oh, we call him Ihsi!

I'll never get used to having a famous brother.

So where can I put my back pack?

Are we travelling to your castle in the Higlands now or later?

Sorry, my castle's out of bounds. They're having it refurbished.

What a shame, it looked amazing in the photo you sent me.

Wow, can't believe I went to the trouble of sending you a photograph!

It's good you gave attention to the proper details.

It's an amazing castle, how long has it been in your family?

Enough about me, let's get you settled.

Lord Appleby, sir, I wouldn't expect you to wait on me.

Surely your robot butler deals with the luggage?

My what? Robot butler?

Of course! Zappo, your robot butler. I completely forgot.

How could you forget about a robot butler?

Yeah, how could you?

I mean, I've left him on charge.

What are you waiting for? Go get your robot butler!

My non-existent robot butler is on the charger?

What was I supposed to say?

How about, my robot butler is at the mender's? Fell down a well?

-Sold it to the princess of Greece?

-What's with this?

-I don't do that.

You do. Every time you lie. Stop, you're going to give us away.

Me? I'm not the one who made up a robot butler!

-Where am I meant to come up with a Zappo?

-Think,

where are we going to find someone gullible and gormless enough

to pull off a convincing robot butler?

What?

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-I am Zappo. Zappo is pleased to meet you. Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa.

Impressive. He can even speak Japanese!

No! Just, er, konnichiwa.

Maybe he should be less formal. Time to adjust the settings.

Ow! I thought you said I only had to make an appearance?

-You said it would only take five minutes.

-Zip it, Zappo.

Welcome to our home.

Amazing! Are those nose hairs?

He's so realistic, yet with the same vacant stare of a dumb machine.

-Hey!

-He's the deluxe model. Seeing as he doesn't have any human

instincts or emotions, you can ask him to do whatever you want

and he won't get upset.

-Anything?

-Almost anything.

-I'd love to see him tap dance.

-Uh?

Dance, Zappo.

Faster, Zappo, faster!

I think we need the tap dancing upgrade.

Bravo! If only my father were here, he'd love to meet Zappo.

Does he like tap dance?

He's very high up in a Japanese entertainment company.

Wow, you've got such an exciting family.

Dad would pay millions to sign up a dancing, singing, juggling robot.

When you say it out loud like that, sounds almost believable.

-He would be huge in Japan.

-Really?

Maybe you should take Kashuro to see the sights, Lord Appleby.

-All by myself?

-Yes.

Take the time to get to know each other, so I can work on my fencing.

Wow! You fence? I would love to see a demonstration.

So would I. I'll get the door.

Perhaps you could show me where

Lady Appleby was buried in Westminster Cathedral?

-Or, instead, we could go go-karting!

-That sounds fun, too. Are you sure

we don't need a bodyguard to help us avoid the paparazzi?

I wouldn't worry about the paparazzi, I'm a very obscure lord.

Don't hurry back!

-The mail is here.

-Ah!

Oops! Sorry, none for you today.

What could this be?

Oh, look, it's from my brand new pen pal.

See, I've got one now, my pen pal is so thoughtful.

What's this?

Oh, chocolate caramels, yum!

Cork Matzo is the best pen pal ever.

Cork Matzo, the famous author?

That's right, he's my pen pal.

Cork Matzo who won the Placa Prize for literature?

His letters resonate like a heavenly symphony.

Cork Matzo who died last year in a freak asteroid accident?

He did?

OK, OK. I made up a pen pal to impress you.

I can't believe Cork Matzo's really dead.

He isn't, I made it up to catch you out! Ha-ha-ha!

Max, you don't understand.

There's something you need to know about your date, Katy. Max! Max!

-No luck?

-Max has turned his phone off to go into the cinema.

-She suggested they watch a chick flick.

-Max won't like that!

I've got to get to the cinema and tell Max he's with the wrong girl.

You'll have to get another Zappo.

All I have to do is call Katy Pepper

and your demo CD will never make it to her dad.

Wow! I had no idea you could be so mean.

Please, Ben, you're the best Zappo ever,

it's truly a magnificent performance.

Well, at first it was hard to get into character,

but after I found Zappo's motivation it just came naturally.

Better go practise my tap dancing.

En garde!

I thought you two were out.

Kashuro thought it would be nice to invite Lord Hugo go-karting

considering he's just recovered from the tiger attack.

Wait a minute, you're not Lord Hugo, yet you look exactly like him.

I see what is going on here.

I can explain.

-That's right, they're twins!

-Sorry, what?

Kashuro, meet Lady Jennifer.

Lord Hugo's twin sister.

-Mmm.

-Delighted to meet you.

You never mentioned a sister in your e-mails.

Yeah, that is because I'm ashamed of her.

-But why?

-You're ashamed of me?

Yeah. Look at her, she has no idea how to fence.

Quite frankly, it's embarrassing. Is that an umbrella?

Interesting, Lord Hugo has the same hobby?

Hugo's a lot better than me.

So how come I didn't meet you earlier?

Because I was away, in Antarctica, studying polar bears.

-I've just got back.

-Wow, what an interesting family.

-Would you like to join us go-karting?

-Sure, why not?

I'll just go ask Lord Hugo to join us, too. Lord Hugo!

-Er, Hugo can't come.

-Why not?

Well, see, it's actually

a really, really funny story. Jennifer, fill him in.

It's a family feud.

Hugo and I hate each other. We never speak.

It all started when our mother was killed in the car crash.

I thought it was a plane crash?

It was. The plane crashed into the car.

We argued, we even fought a duel.

That's tragic, in Japan family is everything.

You and Lord Hugo have a duty to make up.

-You must sit down together, fact to face.

-Not going to happen!

Lady Jennifer, if only you could see how alike you and Lord Hugo are.

Same looks, same voice, same mannerisms,

same weak handshake, even same lipstick.

We get that a lot.

Appleby, go get Lord Hugo, get these kids talking again.

OK, I'll just go to the bedroom to get Hugo.

Off I go!

I promise I'll do everything I can to help fix this family rift.

Thank you. Busting for the loo!

Back in a sec!

Are you deliberately trying to blow this operation?

Why did you take your Hugo costume off?

It was itchy and you weren't supposed to be back so soon.

I am this close to an awesome Japanese skiing experience.

I got you into this mess and I am going to lie through my teeth

until I get you out of it. OK?

OK, sorry I got mad. Pressure got to me.

The last thing I need is to end up in Japan with no friends

and no way home, I'd be stranded!

Day 189, no sign of a rescue team. All hope is lost.

Pardon me,

did you write this SOS message in a bottle asking to be saved?

No...that's not my hand writing.

It could belong to the shipwreck survivor on the next but one island.

Oh! Well, thanks for your help. Sorry to disturb you.

Enjoy your evening, yeah?

Any time.

You wanted to see me.

Ah, Hugo. I'd love to help you and Jennifer become friends, once again.

Where is Jennifer?

Where is she?

-TOGETHER:

-Taking a nap.

-Antarctica.

..on her way to Antarctica.

I find that hard to believe, she just went to the toilet.

If I didn't know any better,

I would say you both were trying to avoid this reunion.

Here is your fizzy water...huh!

-Zappo is sorry.

-The robot has made a mistake, how is this possible?

I'm not even allowed to make a mistake?

How can I handle this kind of pressure?

It's not natural, I've got real feelings and emotions.

I am not made of metal!

Well, that over-sensitive drama queen upgrade really works!

Won't be a minute!

We're not always like this.

Max! Max! Max!

What it is with the outburst, you're supposed be a robot!

I won't continue this. Max just called, he's at the theme-park.

Before I could say he's with the wrong girl,

he switched off his phone.

Because they were about to enter the Tunnel Of Love.

Max in the Tunnel Of Love?

-Can I come in? Perhaps I could help.

-Now's not really a good time.

Have you tried turning him off and on again?

-Where do you keep the batteries?

-I don't want to be a robot any more!

I don't like serving drinks and I refuse to dance - leave me alone!

This is serious,

a malfunctioning robot like Zappo could wreak havoc.

Yes, you should probably get to safety

while I figure out how to reset him.

Please, please, please, Ben. We really need your help.

Just forget about Tommy Pepper and his daughter.

If you just be Zappo for a little longer,

you can interview Kashuro's dad.

-You could do that?

-I've got Kashuro eating out of my hand.

-He believes anything I say.

-Zappo is at your service.

BURP Oh, yes.

-What are you doing?

-I need a sugar hit.

I can't eat in front of Kashuro. Posh people don't eat doughnuts.

Come on! I've reset Zappo but I'm not sure how long it will last.

We need to get rid of Kashuro.

We can't get rid of him until he invites me to Japan.

-How's that going?

-I keep hinting but I don't think he likes me.

Come on, you're a lord, what's not to like?

PHONE RINGS

Max? Thank goodness. I've been trying to reach you all day.

What do you mean you're in the hospital?

A mishap in the Tunnel Of Love. Should you be using a mobile?

Doesn't it interfere with equipment or something? Max?

Max, are you there? Max?

Look at the time. Shouldn't you be getting ready to go to the airport?

-Beat the queues, check in early.

-My flight isn't for hours.

-Lord Appleby, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.

-Yes, yes.

I'd love to come and stay with you in Japan.

That wasn't what I was going to say.

I was wondering if you could arrange for me to meet the Queen.

I'd love to go to Buckingham Palace.

I know, why don't we watch the TV

so we don't have to talk to each other and say things we'll regret.

-Is Doctor Who starting?

-Do you get that in Japan?

-Sure.

# McHurties Hospital. #

Hello, McHurties Hospital.

-It's not what it looks like.

-We can explain.

-What is going on?

I'm really sorry, I never meant to lie to you. It was her idea.

I only lied to make him seem more interesting.

-What are you talking about?

-I'm not a lord.

I don't own a castle, I don't know karate.

I've never even wrestled a tiger.

-She's not Hugo.

-She's Jennifer.

-There is no Jennifer.

I'm not following.

Look, all I wanted was to stay with you in Japan,

land the job and the snowboarding lessons.

We lied to impress you.

But lying is evil and I swear I will never tell a single lie ever again.

OK, maybe the odd one here and there.

I don't understand, why are you telling me all of this?

You didn't just see Dani on the television?

I'm a television actress. I'm Nurse Ward Magnet.

That soap is my show.

I wasn't paying any attention, I hate stupid soap operas.

Hey! It's not stupid.

Well, it is a little bit stupid.

Wait a minute, so we confessed for no reason?

All this time I felt unworthy hanging out with you.

Like there was no way a lord would ever be my friend.

That's the last thing I wanted.

As soon as you mentioned your Canadian pen pal we felt insecure.

-Lying just seemed like a good solution.

-That's crazy!

-Since I made up the Canadian pen pal.

-You made him up?

I wanted you to think I was popular.

To be honest, I lied about quite a lot of things.

You lied? Isn't that frowned upon in Japanese culture?

My dad's not a big shot in the Japanese entertainment industry.

There's no tap-dancing deal for Zappo.

Well, deep down I think we all knew that wasn't going to happen.

Plus, my brother isn't Ishiguro Shakakoti.

I can't get you a job on the ski slopes.

Ouch.

I guess when you meet someone online...

you don't know who you're talking to.

I suppose I lied to you

because I didn't want you to think I was boring.

Who wants to know about my ginger cookie surprise recipe?

Wow. You both sound as boring as each other.

I'm not going to the mung bean festival.

Truth is, I'm booked on a tour of the Dotty Doughnut Factory.

I love that tour!

Did you know they use the same sprinkles on the white and pink ones?

-Yet somehow they taste...

-BOTH: So different!

I'm so relieved you're not a lord.

There was no way I could invite you to my house

when I thought YOU lived in a castle.

-I can still come and stay with you?

-Of course.

But there is something you should know.

I lied about living in Japan to sound cool.

I'm actually from Cornwall.

I love Cornwall!

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-Here are your ice-creams. Enjoy.

Hey, you fixed Zappo. I love this little robot.

-Any chance I could borrow him next weekend?

-Sure, why not.

I'd better be off. I'll be late for my Dotty Doughnut tour.

-I'd love to come. Aren't their billboards just the best?

-I know.

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-What is going on?

You don't have to talk like that any more, Ben.

Come on. The thing is, he's not actually from Japan.

Does that mean I'm not going to Japan?

Darina? Hi. It's about the fencing.

I've got a confession to make. You see, the thing is...

I'm sorry, what? The script's changed?

The fencing's been cut, deleted?

Oh, that's great news, thanks!

DOORBELL

I love the new idea. At least, I think I will when I've read it.

I mean, those writers are genius. OK, ciao, kiss-kiss, ciao.

-Your new script arrived.

-Great news! The fencing's been cut.

Nurse Woodmagnet doesn't have to duel any more.

-Oh, no.

-Is something wrong?

They've replaced the fencing with a horse circus.

Now Woodmagnet has to ride a dancing horse.

-Are you sure this is set in a hospital?

-What am I going to do?

I shouldn't have lied about joining the circus

at the age of six.

DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY

-Grrr!

-Ah! Max! Thank goodness you're OK.

Mm-mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm!

I know. That's why I kept phoning you. You were with the wrong Katy.

Mm-mm mm! Mmmm!

I tried to warn you, I swear.

-Grrrr!

-Argh!

You're not printing again?!

You're going to use up all the colour ink!

It's just something for Ming, my pen pal I met online.

I thought we agreed you'd be a little bit more careful

with your online profile.

Relax. This is harmless.

He's just asked for details on our computer security system.

Really(!)

He's fascinated. Funny story.

Yesterday, I had to send him the blueprints of our ship

and then the password, so he could access the mainframe.

That's classified!

If that gets into the wrong hands, it could be used to blow up planets.

I trust Ming totally. He wouldn't harm a fly.

EXPLOSIONS

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's ride this wave right out to sea

# I will wi-i-in

# Breaking free. #