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-Good morning, Coordinator Zark.
-Aaaah! Morning, Coordinator Zang.
-Anything to report from the night watch?
-Nope, quiet night.
Just little old me, sat here, wide awake,
observing the Earth like I was supposed to...
-It's vanished! It's vamooshed!
But how could that have happened?
It can't have tiptoed away without you seeing!
I fell asleep.
In contravention of the Intergalactic Observation
rule three one seven slash six slush four slosh five?
Oh, please don't tell them! I'll be de-greened!
Dani's House is on? But how, if...
Oh, that is so not funny!
-"Please don't tell them!" Ha, ha, ha, ha!
From now on, I'm going to pretend you've disappeared.
You can't ignore me forever. You'll have to look at me eventually.
Look at me. Look at me. Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
Look at me! Look at me!
Hey, guys! My name's Dani, and this...
-..is her best friend, Jack!
-Thanks. My name's Dani, and this...
-..is her brother, Max!
-And his best friend, Ben!
As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this..
-..is her friend, Ruby!
-And I'm her sister, Maisy!
And I'm Dani, and this is the brilliant Dani's House.
ALL: Our house!
THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER
-IN FAST FORWARD:
-..absolutely hideous, it's awful,
I've never seen anything like it,
it was the most awful place I've ever seen,
and he's in skinny jeans with a polka-dot top,
it didn't even match, absolutely hideous, I mean hideous...
Ruby's telling us her latest dating disaster, and as you can see,
she's a little bit worked up about it.
Can you believe it? He turns up on the first date
and he gives me these!
He bought you flowers? What a monster(!)
-That is so wrong!
I'm never going to find the right guy for me.
They're all a bunch of clowns.
Oh, have no fear, Dani the matchmaker's here.
-I have got the perfect guy for you.
Come on then, rate this guy.
How perfect is he on a scale of one to Jack?
-Does he have bad breath, hairy ears,
a pet rat called Jaws? Oh, a world record for eating baked beans?
-Fear of lollipop ladies?
-No, and wow, you've dated some weird people!
No, he's my cousin, Marco. He's nice, you'll like him.
Nice? Girls say guys are nice
when they're being too polite to say ugly!
Look, he's good-looking, he's funny, he goes to film school,
he's travelled the world, he can dance.
-Do you need any more fingers?
-Sounds too good to be true!
Dani the matchmaker never fails!
Shouldn't matchmaker be on two fingers?
No, it's just one word, same as nincompoop.
So, one cute cousin coming right up! He's on his way.
He's coming here now?
Yeah, he's staying here for a few days, he's filming nearby.
I hear wedding bells!
I bet he smells!
# Rock all day, rock all night
# Twenty four seven, it's rock o'clock
# Rock o'clock, rock o'clock,
# Twenty four seven, it's rock o'clock
# Bong! Bong! Bong!
# Bong! #
OK, world, get ready to be rocked!
-Overnight Internet music sensation, here we come!
-Grab the calendar.
I'll start planning our sell-out world tour!
BOTH: Na na na na na!
I get it.
He's such a nightmare, you want to dump him on me
while he's here, get the crazy cousin off your hands!
Well, I ain't babysitting no freak!
Hey, Marco, how are you?
-Hey, Dani, good to see you! How are you?
-These are my friends, Jack and Ruby.
-Hey, guys, good to meet you.
Nice shoes, Ruby. Where did you get them?
Ffffffleugh flulem flem!
Er, she's just been to the dentist!
-Yeah, she had her wisdom teeth taken out.
F-f-f-f-fleugh fleeeugh farp!
Why don't you put your stuff in the guest room
-that's next door to Max's?
Sometimes I think I should just switch to making movies on a webcam!
-Oh, snap out of it!
-Yeah, it's not even like he's that good looking!
Are you blind? Even the guys in my dreams don't look as good as him.
So, do you still want me to set you up with the freak, then?
Forget everything I said. Make it happen, matchmaker?
Any guy who's that interested in girls' shoes
should be labelled "Avoid". I hear alarm bells.
He's a filmmaker, he has an eye for detail.
Right, here's the plan.
You have a little chit-chat with Marco,
and sprinkle your guy talk with loads of stuff about how
awesome Ruby is, and you just sit there and relax.
-He'll be asking you out by lunchtime!
-Great plan. Love it!
No way! Do your own dirty work. I've got standards, you know.
I'll pay you.
It buys you ten minutes of top-notch publicity, then I'm out of here.
-Make me irresistible?
-It's a fiver, it's not a magic wand!
Is it just me, or does this not feel like a first date at all?
You're right, we should be way more awkward with each other.
It's great to meet someone I can talk to.
I mean, most guys are just weird.
Well, I'm just glad it was you I invited
-to the pie-eating contest tonight!
-What pie-eating contest?
Ready, steady, go!
-Oh, you've got to be kidding me!
-Woo! Done! One-nil!
Loser! In your face! Wooooo!
No, in your face!
Two-nil! Champion! Mmmm!
Jack's been in there for nearly an hour bigging you up.
-I don't want him charging me extra. Come on, let's get you a date.
COSSACK MUSIC PLAYS
Marco's teaching me Cossack dancing! He learnt it when he was in Russia.
Oh, well, that's nice.
You're meant to be bigging up Ruby, not doing diddly squat!
-Sorry, I got a bit carried away.
-And have you said anything about me?
-I should probably give you this back.
-Right, time for plan B.
You just stand there and look pretty. Hey, Marco, I was thinking.
Why don't you teach Ruby one of your dances
you learnt on your travels? Maybe the salsa or the tango?
Yeah, yeah, no problem, cuz. Step into my dance studio, senorita!
Now, Jack tells me you're a sports freak, is that right?
-I don't know about freak.
-I have the perfect dance for you.
They do it in New Zealand before every rugby match.
-Er, you don't mean the haka?
-Yeah, that's the one.
Jack was right, you are mad about sport!
BOTH: Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
Nana nei i tiki mai whakawhiti te ra
A, upane! Ka upane!
A, upane, ka upane, whiti te ra!
OK, let's go again.
This time, I want you to really flap that tongue and give me a wired look,
like you want to rip someone's head off!
Actually, do you know what?
I think it's my turn to learn a new dance,
but something that doesn't involve my face flapping!
It's a shame I haven't got my decks.
-I could play you some killer dance tunes.
-You DJ? Well, so do I, man!
No way! What's your rig?
Just upgraded to a touch-sensitive jog wheel with transport controls.
-Sweet! Two-channel audio, yeah?
-Er, is there any other way to fly?
-Let's get the pie, and mash it up!
Actually, I was thinking about maybe...
Dani the matchmaker, epic fail!
Failure is not an option.
Come on, let's get your dancing shoes.
We've got work to do.
Rock O'clock is the worst song of all time. You guys suck.
You're so bad you make my ears bleed.
You should be jailed for crimes against music.
-Man, these message boards are brutal.
-Oh, here's someone who likes us.
"Awesome song, thanks.
"You scared away the rats nesting under my floorboards."
Great, now even rodents hate us.
Maybe we should have stopped
when we got turned down by every single record company in the world.
You know what this means, don't you?
-We should start a pest control business?
-It means we're going to have to write a love song.
I know, but I've analysed all the number ones in the past ten years,
and they're all about... MAX IMITATES KISSING
If we want a hit record then we're going to have to go all mushy.
Time to put on our songwriting socks and start scribbling.
HIP HOP TRACK PLAYS
# Uh-huh, uh-huh!
# Uh-huh, uh-huh!
# Cupid's the name and love is my game
# If I'm not in your song then you're doing it wrong
# You want chart position come see the love physician
# I got romance and rhymes for your lyrics and lines
# You won't get number one without dropping the L bomb.
# Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!
# Got me in your jingle? Then hello, hit single!
# I'm open for business you don't want to miss this
# Be smart, don't be stupid
# And call me cupid
# They call me cupid
# Uh-huh, uh-huh
# Yeah, yeah, yeah
# Uh-huh, uh-huh
# Break it down now. #
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
OK, people. Give it up for my main man Marco!
He's here for one night only, so make some noise!
I'm feeling the love, people, so keep it coming,
because I'm going to sizzle your dizzle!
Now's your chance. Get in there and show him your best dance moves!
I'm not going to strut around like a peacock just to get his attention!
Fine. If you want is lasting impression of you to be this...
-How do I look?
-Looks like my peacock plan didn't work, then.
I'm roadkill! You're not a matchmaker, you're a
Now, that isn't fair.
I would have got you two together like that if it wasn't for bromance.
You know, when two guys get along so well all
they want to do is hang out with each other and talk about guy stuff.
Look, you've got no chance.
-You might as well be invisible.
-Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.
Marco! I'm over here, it's me, Ruby!
Oh yeah, that's right, jump up and down, that'll impress him(!)
Over this way, look this way! Over here!
OK, that is enough,
before you ruin any chance I've got of getting you two together.
This way, Marco!
Poor Ruby just can't get him to notice her.
There's that noise again, I wonder where it's coming from?
Oh, please, you're not still pretending
I've disappeared, are you?
I think I might be picking up some kind
of radio transmission on my tentacle.
It says here in the rules and regulations
of intergalactic space exploration that "pranks played on fellow crew
"members must be forgiven after no more than ten minutes."
So there! You have to forgive me, it's the law. Look at me now.
You can't make me invisible, that's cheating!
I spy with my little eye, no one! Ha, ha, ha!
OK, let's hear your love song.
-You go first.
-No, you go first.
I said you go first first, so you have to go first.
Promise not to laugh?
It's a love song, what could I possibly find funny in a love song?
It's called When I First Saw You, My Heart Exploded."
Ha, ha, ha! That's not a love song, that's a medical emergency!
-Er, you OK there, Ruby?
I want to listen into Marco and see if he's talking about me to Jack.
-Ruby, you're a freak. Get out!
-But she could tell us about love.
She's obviously got it bad.
Ruby, I've always thought very highly of you. You're like a sister to me.
-Please, stay as long as you want.
-Can I get you a drink?
-In a different glass, of course.
-So, what can you tell us about love?
It's no good. It's like my head's wrapped in blankets.
-I can't hear anything!
-So, love makes you deaf.
What about your eyesight? How many fingers am I holding up?
My eyesight is fine, it's this that hurts!
Love causes chest pain, and possible lung damage.
You want to know about love? Well, I'll tell you about love.
It's the worst invention in the whole history of humans,
-it should be banned!
-I think we've got everything we need.
Thanks for that. Bye bye, now!
Well, I mean, I'm not in love with Marco, I don't even know the guy.
I just don't like being treated like I'm invisible.
I mean, I'm here, I'm Ruby, I'm a winner!
-Losing the plot! Come with me.
She's just had a few dating disasters.
Just ignore everything she just said, OK? All right then...
-Well, she was a big help.
Ben, desperate times call for desperate measures.
We're going to have to find girlfriends.
I'm not kidding, Dani. I'm off boys for good.
I mean, even if I could get Marco's attention,
it's bound to end in another dating disaster.
If at first you don't succeed, apply apply again!
I refuse to put a load of gunk on my face to get a boy to notice me!
You're right, you don't need this. You need this!
Cherry Surprise, and we can get you matching nail varnish!
How do you feel about glitter gloss?
Look, why don't we go and have some fun? Forget about the whole thing!
Woah, steady there, Little Miss Runaway!
My reputation of being an ace matchmaker is on the line here.
Look, you and Marco are perfect for each other.
It would be a crime against romance if you didn't get together.
-Me and Marco, never going to happen.
Well, not with Jack hogging him. Look, I say we ask him to step aside
and let you go to the front of the queue.
-Well, that makes me feel very special(!)
Oh, luscious lashes!
-Time's up! It's Ruby's turn to hang out with Marco now.
Er, but we're in the middle of a marathon gaming session.
-It's OK, you carry on. I don't want to interfere.
-Yes you do!
He's stolen Marco off you, and now you need to steal him back.
Er, have not! Now, if you don't mind, I've got a game to play.
Yeah, well, two of us can play at your game, pal!
"Two of us can play at your game, pal!"
-You're not going to find him in there.
-Well, where is he?
I have locked him in the cupboard. If Ruby can't have him, no one can.
-Hey, give that back!
-Marco, are you OK, buddy?
Marco, are you in there, buddy? Marco?
Oh, I am good!
-Dani, what are you doing?
-Let me out!
Now's your chance! Go get him, Tiger.
La, la, la, la, la!
-I can't get signal.
-Hi, Lucy, it's Max from history class.
Do you want to be my girlfriend?
Fair enough. Do you want to be Ben's girlfriend?
Wait a second, it isn't switched on!
-AT THE SAME TIME:
-Hi, Meg, it's Ben, your paperboy.
Hi, Stace, it's Max from across the road.
BOTH: Do you want to be my girlfriend? OK, bye.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
Welcome to Date Or Dump! Are you looking for love?
Well, I know who is. It's our girls. Say hello, girls.
Now, let's meet our first guy,
and see whether you want to date him or dump him!
Tell the girls who you are, and why they should date you.
My name's Ben, but my mum calls me Benji, or Benji-Penji,
or sometimes Benjamin if she's really angry,
like "Benjamin, stop reading comics and go tidy your room!"
I think you should date me
so I can find out what it's like to have a girlfriend.
I'm not fussy, anyone will do.
Before the girls make their final decision,
you get a chance to show off your skills.
Take it away, Ben!
I will now attempt a most dangerous and death-defying feat.
I will lie on the ground whilst a motorbike jumps over me.
MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVS
So, girls, do you want to date him or dump him?
Well done, Ben! You've got yourself a date!
Oh. So close! Better luck next time!
Now, let's check out our next boy,
and see whether it's a case of date or dump!
-What you doing?
-Waiting for Jack.
-Have you seen him?
-Er, no, no, I haven't.
-JACK SHOUTS IN BACKGROUND
-No idea where he is, not a clue.
Ruby, I'm glad I've finally got you on your own.
-There's been something I've been meaning to ask you.
I was just wondering if you would like to,
sometime...and in no way do you have to say yes, this is purely optional.
I mean, obviously, I want you to say yes, but no pressure!
What do you want me to say yes to?
Oh! Zzzzz, epic fail! Ha, ha, ha!
What I was building up to ask you was...
Would you like to go on a date with me?
A date? You want to go on a date with me?
-You're right, it's a bad idea, just forget I mentioned it.
-No, no, no.
It's just... I haven't, you know, ever really thought
about me and you going on a date, so...
it kind of caught me by surprise.
-A nice surprise, or a scream and run surprise?
-No, a nice surprise.
I'd love to go on a date with you, Marco.
-I forgot my jacket, I'll just go and get it.
How about I work out some kind of rota system with Ruby
so we both get to share Marco?
It's not a chore to be done, like the washing up or cleaning the loo.
How about I have him on the weekdays,
and she can have him on the weekend?
Unless I've got a DJ gig.
In that case I'd need him on Saturday nights,
and she can have him, you know, Wednesday lunchtime or something.
-You should have shared him when you had the chance.
-I couldn't help it!
I've never had a friend as cool as Marco before.
I mean, how cool is it to have a friend who's actually
directing a feature film?
-He's still at film school, he's not directing a feature film.
-Oh, he is.
He didn't tell you because he didn't want to brag,
but his last student film won loads of awards,
and he's got the chance to direct a massive movie,
proper stars and everything.
Thanks, Dani. I've got a date with Marco! You're the best.
-Sorry, the date's off.
Well, I need some alone time with Marco so he'll cast me
in his new feature film.
-Uh-uh. I'm not giving up my date for you.
-Thought you might say that.
So, I locked Marco in the cupboard with Jack.
If I can't have him, no one can.
Hey, give that back!
-Thanks, Ruby. You're a star.
Oh, I am really good!
You'll have to put this down as another dating disaster.
BANGING AND SHOUTING FROM CUPBOARD
You truly are the most beautiful princess in all this land.
And you are the most handsome prince.
Aaah! OK, that was not supposed to happen.
Thank you so much, sweet princess. Ever since a wicked witch turned me
from a frog into a handsome prince, I've been trying to turn back!
Come on. You're the third frog Prince
I've been out with this month!
Dating in the fairytale world is a total nightmare.
-Are you sure this is a good idea?
-Trust me, it's going to work.
Hey, girls, we got you some drinks.
Shouldn't we have kept looking for real girlfriends?
If all the girls we know won't go out with us,
what chance do we have with total strangers?
But this feels beyond weird, and they look so freaky.
Are you trying to blow this date? Now shut up, and put your arm round Beth.
MAX YAWNS LOUDLY
Hey, Caz. Glad you could make it. "Oh, Max. I was hoping you'd come."
-You're not seriously going to do the voice!
-It's called role-play.
We've played doctors and nurses before, so what's your problem?
SLOW BALLAD PLAYS
Now we talk the language of love.
Bonjour, Beth. Je m'appelle Ben. "Bonjour, Ben. Je m'appelle Beth."
-Why are you talking French?
-I thought that was the language of love.
The language of love is kissing.
-You want me to kiss a watermelon?
-Beth the watermelon?
Do you want to find out what it's like to love someone, or not?
Yeah, but I don't want to find out what it's like to kiss a watermelon.
This is my girlfriend, Caz.
I love her very much, and I'm going to kiss her.
You must have really bad breath.
-Sorry, Ruby had to shoot off. Some emergency at home.
-What, you don't believe me?
-Yeah, I'm just disappointed, that's all.
Well, seeing as you're free, would you mind helping me
practice my lines for McHurties tomorrow?
-Yeah, sure, no problem.
-Have you seen any of my work on the show yet?
No, I'm not a big fan of hospital soap operas.
No offence, I'm sure you're great in it.
Well, I don't like to blow my own trumpet.
but I'm great in it.
I play a character called Nurse Emily Woodmagnet.
She's a complex character which demands a multi-layered performance.
"Nurse Woodmagnet holds up an x-ray of a foot.
"As you can see, Mr Cheesebottom, you have an ingrowing toenail.
"Dr Rugburn will have to...operate.
"But I can't have an operation,
"I'm tap dancing in the Royal Variety Show tomorrow night.
"If you tap dance with your toenail in that condition,
"you will cause irreversible damage to your toe.
"But I can't let my dance group, the Tipton Tappers, down.
"Hold on a second. My mum told me my dad was a tap dancer in Tipton.
"She met him when he toured with Snow White and the Seven Tappers.
-"Was her name, by any chance, Emily?
"Fade in dramatic theme music and the credits roll."
Well, the scripts aren't the best in the world, I'll give you that.
What I'd really love to do is films.
# I love you, Caz
# You've got razzmatazz
# I love the way you roll
# You've got a...head like a bowl
# I love you, Caz but I don't love jazz. #
What do you think?
-What, that bad?
-I'll cancel the world tour.
Without girlfriends, we're never going to write hit love songs.
Without hit love songs, we're never going to get girlfriends.
Speak for yourself. I've got four right here.
All I need is some good soil and six months.
Right. Let's drown our sorrows in a 24-hour non-stop TV marathon.
'Want to get closer to your gaming action?
'Then stick your head in the brand-new Gamebubble today.
'Inside is an eye-watering 360 degree HD gaming screen.
'You no longer have to hold a games console, you can live inside one.
'You can take it everywhere, car, school, bed or toilet.
'Gamebubble, the new games console that'll blow your mind!'
-I love that games console!
-I love it more!
BANGING AND SHOUTING
-Wow, you're directing a feature film, really? I had no idea.
Ruby, Jack, what happened?
-She locked us in a cupboard!
-You did what?
I have no idea what they're talking about.
She wanted us out of the way so she could get a part in your movie.
-Don't you play the innocent. You helped her lock me
-in there first so you could get a date with him.
Yeah, well none of that would have happened if
-you'd set Ruby up like we paid you to.
-Come on, Marco.
-Let's get out of here.
-You can't leave me, bro.
We're in the middle of a gaming marathon.
Look, just audition me properly, without the tap dancer, yeah?
-He's coming with me.
-No, he's staying with me!
No, he's auditioning me!
# Didn't know what love was
# Till I saw you
# You're better than a watermelon
# Or a canoe
# I want you, I need you
# In my life, on my head
# Love is just a games console! #
The world tour is back on!
-Back off, you freaks!
Nobody touch me! What is wrong with you people?
I'm not some plaything for you all to fight over!
Now, I'm walking out of here alone, and no one is coming with me!
You got that?
ALL: Yes, Marco.
-Well, he's a bit full of himself, isn't he?
-Talk about an ego.
Someone thinks they're just a wee bit special.
-He really lost it there, didn't he?
-Did you see the look on his face?
-Oh, let's not argue over anyone again. Agreed?
-You came back for me!
-Forgot my jacket.
Yeah, let's pretend that didn't happen and never mention it again.
JACK AND RUBY: Agreed!
All right, then. I forgive you, I'll look at you again.
Well, that's odd. Coordinator Zang? Are you there?
Talk to me. Say something so I know that you're there!
He's left me. I'm all alone on the ship.
-Aaah! Why, you sneaky...
Ah, ah. Remember,
under current regulations you only have ten minutes to be mad at me.
-I'm so mad at you! That's a horrible trick to play!
I don't like you any more, and I'm not talking to you ever again!
I was really, really scared...
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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