The Natural Dani's House

-What's that?

-It's my fridgeoaster. It makes ice and toast.

BEEPING

Very useful if you like frozen toast.

Why do you read that trash?

Plasma magazine is read by many aliens with one thing in common.

They're fame-obsessed idiots?

-Here's one for you. Why will you never ever get a girlfriend?

-Why?

Because you live on a spaceship, you never go out

and you've no idea what's cool and what's hot! Ha-ha!

AARGH!

-That's cool!

-Cold! Cold!

-And that's hot!

-And you know what's both?

-What?

-Dani's House.

Hey, guys. Great to see you.

-My name's Dani and this is...

-Her best friend, Sam.

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this...

-Is her other best friend, Jack.

-Stuffing his face as usual.

-I was saying, I'm Dani...

-I'm her brother, Max.

-And his mate, Ben.

-Go away!

-THEY BICKER

QUIET! As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is Dani's...

ALL: My house!

-CHATTER

-Shh!

Can we save his arm, Dr Rugburn?

I'll get that.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. McHurty's Hospital. Oh, no!

Give me an hour and three units of blood.

I can reattach his arm.

Did you see that?

No, sorry. I blinked.

-I was on telly!

-Yeah. Amazing funny walk.

-Funny walk? What funny walk?

-Never mind. You were great.

That's for getting me on McHurty's, Dani.

DOORBELL RINGS

-How much did they pay you?

-I get paid too?

Nice!

It's my producer. What's she doing here? This is so weird!

Darling! Hugs!

I love what you've done with your hair. It's so...brave.

Thanks. You remember Sam and Jack.

-Enough small talk. Let's talk business.

-Do you mind?

-With Jack.

-Come again?

Feed my dachshund, would you? She's vegan.

McHurty's producers want you, Jack.

They said, "Get me the reattach this arm" guy.

-It was only a bit part.

-What a bit! He's a natural!

Now, if you don't mind.

-I can reattach this arm.

-Come here, you rough diamond.

The walk we can work on.

GROWLING

-That's great about Jack.

-It's not.

-He's not supposed to be on my show.

-Why not?

What if he messes up? What if he's better than me?

Serena's never called me a natural.

-He's way over the top.

-On McHurty's that's a plus.

It isn't exactly Holby City.

Dani! You know Jack. He tries stuff and gets bored with it.

Did you get too close to the bonfire?

No, it's called a rock mullet. Glam rock is due for a comeback.

-What's glam rock?

-What's glam rock? Where were you in the '70s, man?

-I was like you, waiting to be born.

-You know what rock is?

Glam's the outrageous style.

Gold lame, glittery make-up and the high stack heel.

We need to reboot the sound of our band.

What about our grindcore influences? Our single, I Swallowed my Tongue?

That won't cut it on the X Factor.

People want entertainment and shiny fabrics.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Is it possible to cross the Arctic on a sledge pulled by cats?

No. You're thinking, "Where's our gimmick?"

Ta-da! I call it the Hazemakerwaftomatic 9000.

Just watch.

DISTORTED GUITAR

Awesome! Can I have a go?

No way! I and I alone am the Hazemaster.

I need to go and get you some satin trousers and a glitter cape.

Ah, a day off. If only they made magazines with self-turning pages.

For the terminally lazy.

Serena sent through the new script.

Get dressed, let's rehearse!

This is McHurty's, we don't rehearse.

I've got a lot of catching up to do. Luckily we've got all day.

Well, have fun, you two.

Er, and you. You're the patient. Come on.

SCREAMING

Very funny, Jack.

It's from the props department. Cool, right?

BEEPING

-OK, hop up.

-You must be joking.

-Let's humour him.

-It's easy for you to say.

You're not the one going under the knife.

I play Dr Milton Steel.

A brilliant surgeon who never does what he is told.

What's your opening line?

I'm Dr Milton Steel. A brilliant surgeon. I never do what I am told.

It's clever how they work that in.

-You must be Nurse Woodmagnet.

-Yep. You patch 'em, I catch 'em.

-That's not your line.

-OK. Erm... Yes, doctor.

I can reattach...this arm.

Like all good doctors, he has a catchphrase.

Aah!

OK. Swab.

GIGGLING

Scalpel.

Ow! Ow!

Shh! Suction.

SLURPING NOISE

We're losing her. We should've transferred her to St Queasy's.

-Come on. Give it some feeling.

-LIKE THE SENIOR SURGEON TOLD US TO.

I never do what I'm told. Come on. Her arm is in...our hands.

SAM GASPS

Thank you, doctor! I can clap again!

I couldn't have done it without you, Nurse Woodmagnet.

-Honestly. That name is so stupid.

-I'm glad you said it.

Guys, we need to finish or she could get infected.

-You do know you're not a real doctor, right?

-I do.

Now, where's my practice arm? I need to figure out where the thumbs go.

-Yaaargh!

-I was looking for that. Sorry.

-You severed an arm.

I don't think "sorry" covers it!

No, it's fake. McHurty's lent it to me for anatomy practice.

-What for? You're not a real doctor.

-PHONE RINGS

Dr Steel's advice line.

You shouldn't do that, you're not a doctor.

-Jack, can you take a look at my shoulder?

-Hold, please. Sure.

What seems to be the problem?

The problem is you're not a real doctor!

This new part's had a weird effect on Jack.

He already spends most of his time in a dream world.

It could push him over the edge.

Oh, no! Read this!

"I'm sorry, you'll never play the bagpipes again."

-No, my line.

-"Welcome to McHurty's, Dr Steel.

"I think you're going to like working here." So?

They're lining him up as my love interest, I know it.

Nah. Are you sure?

-Here, he asks her out!

-It's just a date.

No it's not. This is a disaster. Jack and me are mates.

-This is so embarrassing.

-It's a show. It's not a real date.

Anyway, how bad could it be, going out with Jack?

FUNK MUSIC

SCREAMING

It's all right, sweet cheeks, it's only me. Dr Love.

SCREAMING

Ugh! It would be very wrong. That's what it would be.

-Have you never thought about it?

-What? No! Ugh.

Not even when you first met?

When we met he was nine, a complete numpty,

and he flushed my troll down the loo. So, no.

FLUSHING

"Dr Steel takes Emily in his arms and...kisses her passionately."

Ah-ha-ha! Dani's going to have to kiss Jack!

Dani.

-You can't stay in there for ever.

-Yes I can.

Come on. You're a professional.

OK. You're right. No big deal.

I'll just have to cope. I've done worse.

-That's the spirit. Like what?

-I had to dissect an eyeball once.

ROCK MUSIC

Looking awesome.

Aw. Why is there no smoke coming out?

LOUD HISS

Yes!

Who's the Hazemeister now, eh?

HE COUGHS

Ah. There you are. At last.

Any chance of growing up? Ever?

Now to work. Let's rehearse.

You have finished reading the script?

Yeah, well, skimmed it. I like to be surprised.

Oh, I think you will be.

-So you want to do the scene?

-Sure.

How is she, Dr Steel?

Much more comfortable now that I've removed the axe.

Emily, these late nights with just the two of us,

apart from all the sick people... I...

It's all right. I feel it too.

You do?

Ever since you walked onto my ward.

Emily, would you mind if I...

If, if I...

Err... Would you mind if I...

..kiss you?

Oh, Milton, we are so in tune.

OK.

CRASH

Ah! Woah!

Wow.

That was special.

See? It makes everything really awkward.

Sorry, sorry. Let's try that again.

We don't want to do it to death, do we?

Let's keep it fresh.

Nice work, Dr Lurve.

GUITAR PLAYS

What are you doing? Only I can touch the Hazemaker. Stop that!

OK. If you insist.

LOUD HISS

It smokes when you stop playing? There's something wrong with the Waftomatic.

I've been stuck here for hours.

Why didn't you just unplug it?

I didn't think of that.

SOCKET BUZZES

You must have reversed the polarity. You're trapped.

Great! What do I do now?

Keep playing while I think of something.

It's fine, I'm cool.

It just took me by surprise, that's all.

I thought you liked surprises.

You know, when you and Dani met.

-She told you I flushed her troll?

-Yep.

Do you think there's anything wrong with my kissing?

I want to look good on TV so do you want to give me some pointers?

It's no mystery, you ust have to approach it scientifically.

OK. All right.

Hard lips, soft lips.

Hard lips, soft lips.

Now pucker.

Not that much!

Good!

Kiss the grape. Don't bite the grape.

Kiss.

Very good!

And make eye contact.

Lean in.

Gently, she's not an ice lolly.

Rotate your head 15...

No, 16 degrees, and go for it.

-Touchdown!

-Mwah! Yes! Ha-ha!

Don't do that, obviously.

I don't get why they want to touch mouth parts.

It's most unhygenic.

Yes, I really am this cool.

And I'm going out on a date.

What? Really?

I have to call and ask her first, but I'm sure she'll say yes.

No-one can resist Co-ordinator Zang.

Go on, then. This should be good.

'Hi. Please leave a message after the beep.'

Er, hello? Is that Veena Grimp?

HE MOUTHS

This is Zang.

I sat behind you in Space Academy.

I always thought the back of your head was so lovely.

Not that I stared at it, but it was very big and blue.

And I have a new fridgeoaster. Bye!

-How was that?

-She's probably getting her number changed right now.

Hit the mark and say your line, darling.

-What?

-Serena. Hi, it's Dani.

-Who are you?

-I'm fine.

No, who are you?

Nurse Woodmagnet. You came to my house.

What is it? I'm very busy.

I want to see bones sticking out.

That's how we know it's broken.

You know Jack, Dr Steel, can't he fall for someone else?

It's just he's my friend.

If that bothers you, drop him and get a new friend.

Yeah, or you could just change the storyline.

Listen, you two have serious on-screen chemistry.

Are you sure he hasn't ever had a thing for you?

No! He flushed my troll!

Don't use slang, darling. Makes me feel old.

This is a great storyline for you.

If you're not interested, nurses have tragic accidents too,

especially at McHurty's.

Turn it down, would you, Ben?

I can't take anymore. That's it. I quit.

No, you fool, keep playing.

I won't. You can't make me.

What makes you so sure about that?

-Ahh! Ow, that hurt.

-MUFFLED THUMP

Oh, thanks, Ben(!) Now I'm stuck with it.

-Serena said we had chemistry.

-What kind of chemistry?

How am I supposed to know? I'm not a chemist.

Then she said if I didn't stop complaining,

-I might have a little accident.

-You might wet yourself?

No, like fall down an empty lift shaft or something.

-That sounds dangerous.

-It is with her around.

A wise old actor once told me acting is all about taking risks.

He was the one in the ad where he put his head in the lion's mouth.

-Oh, yeah.

-He died, sadly.

He choked on a biscuit.

But he was right. You have to take risks.

-I'll throw myself into the part.

-Better than an elevator shaft.

If he can snog a lion, I can snog Jack.

BOTH: Urgh!

Spoilsport!

-Come on, Dr Steel, let's rehearse our big scene.

-Huh?

-But you said...

-I changed my mind.

Remember what I taught you. Eye contact,

head angle, radius of pucker.

Right, so...erm... shall we take it from...?

Yes!

See? That was fine.

OK. "All-polyester blend, dry clean only."

-Dani, you're reading your jacket. Your script's on the floor.

-Oh.

Dr Steel, your nose transplant patient's ready.

Thank you, nurse.

Nose transplant? Is that for real?

MONITOR BEEPING

-This man has no nose!

-Then how does he smell?

Terrible!

BOTH: # Da-da-da-da-da Da-da! #

BOTH: Sorry.

Let's get started!

BEEPING STOPS He's having a nose attack!

We have to shock it. Blue cheese!

Slimy toad...

And CLEAR!

Sweaty trainer.

Old pants!

And...CLEAR!

-MONITOR BEEPS

-Yes! It's pulling through.

Nurse?...Nurse?

I can't believe it, you snogged Jack!

-I didn't hold back.

-Yeah, five times!

-So...what was it like?

-Not as bad as dissecting that eyeball.

-He'll be thrilled!

-I'm just relieved we weren't awkward.

-You did clonk his nose.

-He head was at a weird angle.

I can sort that!

Now we can go on being best buddies,

Nurse Woodmagnet won't fall down the shaft

-and there's a big fat storyline at McHurty's all about me.

-And Jack.

Oh, yeah, him too.

Please, Ben, my fingers are about to drop off.

You're breaking my heart!

I need a complete idiot to take this off me and fast.

Well, it's not this complete idiot!

Keep the noise down, worm. Interesting.

-Dani, can you help me with this riff?

-You've never asked for help before.

Well, I thought we could rise above our past, but I guess...

I know, hang on, come on, give it here.

Well, with these chords you could probably try something like this.

Guys?

SHE COUGHS

What is going on?!

Sam, do you think it's weird the way Dani made me rehearse that scene,

-like, over and over again?

-She throws herself into the part.

-Either that, or she's throwing herself at me.

-Dani?

-Throwing herself at you?

-Why? What's wrong with me?

-Nothing.

Nothing is wrong with you. I mean, yeah, maybe she does.

After all, who could resist the charms of Dr Milton Steel?

That's what I was afraid of.

It was either her or us... Dani?!

-So, grown up, have you? As if.

-But what about the Hazemaker?

-Didn't it smoke you out?

-No, I fixed it.

Just a crossed wire, simple when you know how.

What am I thinking? This is madness, MADNESS!

How can I ignore what my heart is telling me?

It'll make everything so complicated, but...

I have to ask her out.

I have to ask her out and... Oh, what's that stupid line?

Oh, yeah, "And I will.

"As soon as I reattach this arm."

-What's she done with the Hazemaker?

-Maybe she really fixed it?

-Dani?

She can't change a light bulb, check around.

No...

It's not in the drawer.

Well, it's hardly going to be in there, is it?

Hold on...

Ben, NO-O-O-O-O!

Everything OK in here?

Thank goodness you're here, Doctor, Max needs your help.

-But he wants to ask me out.

-What?! How do you know?

-He said so.

-And did you say yes?

-No, he didn't know I was there.

-Right.

Because I snogged him five times, now he thinks I fancy him.

It's just a show, Jack can separate fantasy from reality.

-Like with the doctor thing?

-You're in trouble.

Did he say anything to you?

-No. Well, yes, sort of, but I didn't take it seriously.

-Great!

And we're shooting that scene tomorrow.

Yes, I know, why did I get him that part?

-You'll be fine, you're both grown up...

-Oh!

-Ah!

-Ha!

-Ha!

-Sorry.

-Erm, you go.

-No, no, you go.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha-ha! Er...

Oh, boy.

Er...

See you tomorrow! Yeah.

-Er, what time is the car picking us up?

-Er, eight.

Ha! That's the cupboard.

Smooth.

-So, it's the big day!

-Looking forward to it.

I mean, I'm not! Well, I am, but not in that way.

-What way?

-No way!

Just, er, looking forward to working with you.

-Me too, it's easier knowing you're my boyfriend.

-What?!

Friend, er, boy, someone I know. Er, met once.

-You're not a total stranger!

-Right, I get you.

Easier to feel relaxed.

-Oh!

-I'll get that.

-AH!

-AHH! Jack, we need to...

Before you say, I'm flattered and...you're special...

-I value our friendship...

-The last thing I want is to...

-I don't want to upset...

-..as a buddy...

-I just don't want to mess up being mates.

-Yeah?

-OK.

-Wait, what are you on about?

-You fancying me.

What?! I don't fancy you, I heard you burp the national anthem!

It was you who was going to ask me out.

Ha! I wouldn't ask you out if you were the last girl on Earth!

Wait, that didn't come out how I wanted it to.

CAR BEEPING

What a relief, eh?

-Yeah, I thought you were going to blub and cling to my leg.

-Ha-ha...

A-choo!

-Milton, your nose transplant patient just sneezed!

-And?

-His nose stayed on!

-Oh, Emily...

CUT!

Oh, that's what I mean!

Chemistry, can't fake it or mistake it.

I told you, this one's a natural.

This will run and run, or my name's not Zarina Wix! Ahhh!

DOG WHIMPERING

-Who let the dog out?!

-Mind if I take a look?

-Yes, actually, I think it's broken!

-It's just dislocated.

-I can't watch.

-Relax, this might hurt a little.

-Argh! Get away from me!

Call security, get this maniac thrown out!

Get away from me, I mean it!

-Out! Call security!

-I'll be in my dressing room.

Max?

Max?...Max?

-Did you know you dribble in your sleep?

-Eh? What happened?

-You got overcome, Jack saved you.

-How did you stop the Hazemaker?

Turned off the fuse and chucked it in a skip.

-Lucky we had a medical professional on hand.

-Didn't do anything medical!

Max, there's something you should know.

My arm! Where's my arm?!

Ah!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha! Ha-ha! Ha!

All right, maybe I'm not cut out to be an actor.

It takes a certain person.

Someone who knows the difference between fantasy and reality?

I think it's time to move on.

-Plus, you were sacked for attacking a producer.

-I wasn't sacked!

Dr Steel just had a freak accident.

You got into a lift with an escaped leopard!

Zarina did say I was a natural.

She didn't say a natural what, though!

HELP!

Boys, this is going back first thing in the morning.

Amazing what some people throw out.

Look what I found in the skip up the road!

I wonder if it works?

ALL: NO!

Ah! Another fantastic episode!

So, heard anything from your date yet?

-As if.

-What, Veena? Yes, as a matter of fact.

Told you to leave her alone, did she?

-No, actually, we're going out for Venusian slug-fritters.

-What?!

After those messages you left?

-Yes, well, it's just lucky I mentioned my fridgeoaster.

-Why?

Because it turns out she has a cookle.

A what?

A cookle. Yes, it's a cooker and a kettle.

You're made for each other.

It's like I always say, there's a star out there that's right for you.

-But...maybe not that one.

-No.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]