We Should Be Heroes Dani's House

Commander Zang, what are you doing?

-Nothing!

-It looked like you were posing.

Oh, all right. Maybe I was trying to appear more heroic.

I mean, look at my ancestors -

Lord Zircon The Mighty.

Veteran of 100 campaigns.

Commander Zeglack. Sole survivor of the Fourth Squadron Skirmish.

And me.

I should be a hero like my ancestors.

-What went wrong?

-Aww...

Well, you've always been my hero.

Can I get your autograph?

Really? All right. Anything for a fan.

SHE SNIGGERS

"I, Commander Zang, am a monkey-faced pants lord."

-How dare you mock me?!

-Oh, stop moaning.

It's time to watch our real heroes on Dani's House.

Commander Zeglack would never have put up with this nonsense!

Commander Zeglack wasn't a monkey-faced pants lord!

Hey, guys, great to see you.

My name's Dani and this is...

Her best friend, Sam!

Sam! As I was saying,

my name's Dani and this is...

Her other best friend, Jack.

Stuffing his face as usual.

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is...

-Brother, Max.

-And his mate, Ben.

Go away! QUIET!

-As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is D...

-ALL: My house!

Oh! I give up!

Shhhh!

What's going on?!

-We're trapped in some kind of net.

-Thanks for pointing out the obvious.

-Ben, help me stop the device, quick!

-But you can't stop it.

Just throw it out the window.

I can't. The device has a motion sensor.

Moving it will set it off.

-Throw something over the top of it!

-Like what?

-Like Ben!

No time. There's only five seconds left!

-Four.

-Three.

-Two.

One!

EXPLOSION

What seems to be the problem, Mr Kestrel?

-CLEARS THROAT

-Mr Kestrel... Mr Kestrel!

-Oh, hey, guys. You just caught me learning my lines.

-Quiet on set!

Oh, better go. Job to do.

Rolling and action!

What seems to be the problem, Mr Kestrel?

I understand you've been having some chest pains.

Nurse, can you mend a broken heart?

I'm flattered, Mr Kestrel, but I'm already married...

-to my job.

-And cut!

BELL RINGS

Let's reset for another take.

Dani, I have a task for you.

Oh, I know I didn't nail that Mr Kestrel line.

Not that. This! Look at all your fan mail.

-I have fans?

-You sound surprised.

-Of course I'm surprised.

There's tons of it. Are you sure they've got the right Dani?

You're a TV star now, someone special.

Answering fan mail's part of the job.

I want every single one of these letters answered by tomorrow.

But I've got stuff to do tonight.

You don't want to disappoint your fans, do you?

-No, course not.

-Fabulous. By tomorrow?

-Mmm-hmm.

Tomorrow!

-Cushions plumped?

-Check.

-Pretzels ready?

-Check.

-Fresh batteries in the remote?

-Check.

Then we're ready for a long day of couch potato-ing.

'I'm flattered, Mr Kestrel, but...

'I'm already married...to my job.'

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn off my horrible sister.

Is there no escape from her now she's on TV?

You should watch with your eyes closed and fingers in your ears.

It'll be just our luck that Dani will be a hero

to millions of impressionable young fools,

and we will be forgotten.

I wish we could be heroes.

That's it! Ben, we can be heroes. Better than heroes.

-What's better than a hero?

-Think about it!

A giant chocolate goose you can ride on?

A superhero.

You and I will be the first real superheroes

this world has ever seen!

We'll see how Dani likes it when everyone's hailing us

-for our heroic deeds.

-Sounds good to me. High five!

Up above. Down below...

Oh, too slow.

The square root of four is two and...

Oh, great - an astronaut running on a treadmill.

I must still be dreaming. I thought it was a bit strange

my gran was hiding in my wardrobe this morning.

You're not dreaming, Jack.

So my gran was hiding in my wardrobe?

No! I'm preparing for my NASA entry test.

Astronauts must endure extreme physical stress

while solving complex mental problems.

Woah-woah. Back up a minute, Buzz Lightyear.

-You're applying for a job at NASA?

-I certainly am!

OK, back a bit further. What's NASA?

The National Aeronautics And Space Administration.

Back up more. What do any of those words mean?

NASA runs America's space programme. You know about space, don't you?

-You've got plenty between your ears.

-Ah-ha-ha(!)

It's a miracle you don't just laugh yourself into orbit.

Can you imagine being the first woman on Mars?

No, I can't imagine being a woman full stop.

Just stay out of my way.

Dani said I could use her den to practise for my DJ showcase.

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

Those sacks contain all the birthday presents you forgot to give me.

-It's my fan mail.

-You don't look very happy about it.

My producer wants me to answer it all by tomorrow.

I didn't realise getting this job would make me so popular!

Isn't being popular a good thing?

-Like you'd know, Professor No Mates.

-Ah-ha-ha(!)

-I'm Maximan.

-And I'm Bentastic!

Wherever there is injustice, we shall be there!

-Oh, stop fidgeting.

-It's these tights, they're cutting me in two.

PINGS ELASTIC

Ah... That got it.

"Dear Dani, you're the most awesomest person I know

"and I want to be just like you when I grow up."

-They really think you're something special.

-They don't know me!

You better get used to it.

-Being on TV means you're a role model now.

-Well, better get started.

Don't want to let anyone down.

It must be weird knowing all these people watch you on TV.

Yeah, it's really weird.

WOLVES HOWL

Day 20. My ascent of Mount Fan Mail proceeds slowly.

Our party has suffered casualties.

It has been two days since Johnson left the tent

to find his dropped pen.

I fear he may be lost.

HOWLING AND CRASHING

What's that? Johnson, is that you?

Rations are low. I'm down to my last packet of crisps.

Eugh. Cheesy weasel flavour.

What is that...?

Huh! Avalanche!

We look lush, but aren't superheroes supposed to have powers?

The hulk was transformed by gamma rays.

Spiderman was bitten by a radioactive spider.

Tadpole Boy drank a bucket of toxic frogspawn.

Where are we going to find gamma rays or toxic frogspawn?

I could try licking the microwave.

Hmm...that didn't work the last two times.

Anyway, what about Iron Man or Batman?

They don't have powers, just cool gadgets.

-We don't have gadgets either.

-Check your utility belt.

Wicked! Nail clippers.

And if I press this button here.

Cutlery claws!

Now I'm tooled up for any dining emergency.

SOMEONE SCREAMS

Hark! Somebody needs us!

Stand back, citizens. We will handle this.

Max, get lost.

How'd you know it was us?

-Who else?

-Why are you dressed like that?

-Capes are very in this season.

-What he means is...

we're superheroes now.

We heard a scream and came to help.

I was screaming cos I'm stressed out. Being famous is such a hassle.

Famous?! Just cos you're on some rubbish soap opera

doesn't mean you're famous.

Well, Dani's mountain of fan mail says otherwise.

Fans?! Since when did you have fans?

Dani's a role model now. She's a hero to millions.

Fans. Fan mail. Famous. Pah!

-Pah!

-Peh!

"Dear Dani, if I was even 10% as great as you

"my life would be so much better."

I almost can't bear to read another letter saying how amazing I am.

All right, just one more then.

"Dear, brilliant Dani. I wish I was as glamorous and talented as you."

Oh, bless them. It is sweet how they'd like to be like me.

You mean, like the sort of person they think you are.

Yeah...that.

Come, Bentastic. Let us go on patrol

and prove to these losers what a real hero is!

Swishy, swishy, swish.

Allow us to assist you, citizen!

We'll help you across the road!

No need to thank us!

But I don't want to cross the road!

Oh, come to Mummy!

How may we assist you, citizen?

My cat won't come down from that tree!

Leave it to us! Bentastic, call the cat.

What shall I call it?

-Beckon it down from the tree.

-Oh, OK.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

CAT SCREECHES

Argh! Arghhhhh! Arghhhhh!

Phew!

-Huh!

-That was a close one!

SHOPKEEPER: Stop, thief!

A real felon! After him, Bentastic.

CAR SPEEDS OFF

Oh, he got away!

We failed again.

Oh, no. I ripped my cape!

Face it, Ben. We suck at being superheroes.

We suck and blow at the same time.

I thought being a hero would be easy.

We should be the ones getting the fan mail, not Dani.

It certainly isn't easy being a hero.

You're right, Ben. Doing good deeds just isn't in my nature.

That's it! We should be supervillains instead!

Max, that's genius! May I pat you on the back?

Erm...no.

Instead of trying to beat her at her own game,

we spoil Dani's new-found fame. By being evil.

Well, OK. But can I finish this cake first? It's chocolate.

Hmm. Needs more sprinkles.

HE CHOKES AND SPLUTTERS

That was too many sprinkles.

Your evil persona definitely needs work.

"Dear Dani, I thought you looked amazing

"on McHurties the other night,

"how can I get my hair as luscious as yours?"

I'm so lucky to have such incredible fans.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Dani speaking.

Sweetie, it's Zarina. I have another task.

It's not more fan mail, is it?

A magazine has a competition for one lucky winner to go for dinner

with their favourite member of The McHurties Hospital cast. Well?

How would you like to meet your number one fan?

-Are you kidding?

-Does this face look like it's kidding?

I have no idea, I can't see it.

Listen, Zarina.

It's one thing answering fan mail,

but I'm not sure I'm ready to meet the fans.

-Why not?

-What if I'm a disappointment in person?

All these girls seem to think I'm some sort of celebrity.

Darling, you're on television - a star.

It's about time you acted like one.

Your fan will be there about half past five. She's expecting dinner.

What? They're coming here...to my house?!

-Is that a problem?

-No! No, no. No problem.

Bye!

Right, OK. You're a celebrity.

And if this fan of mine wants to meet Dani the star in her

swanky celeb hang out, then who am I to disappoint her?

I am going to be the celebiest celeb ever.

Oh! It's not fair! I want to meet Dani, I'm her number one fan.

Forget Dani. How would you like to be the first-ever member

of the Co-ordinator Zang fan club?

Don't you have to be famous to have a fan club?

-That's a technicality.

-Look at the amazing free gifts you get.

The Co-ordinator Zang T-shirt and hat combo.

The monthly Co-ordinator Zang newsletter.

This month's issue features ten things you never knew about me.

And finally, the Coordinator Zang action figure.

If you press this button, it says one of five Coordinator Zang phrases,

so you can hear my wisdom wherever you go.

GARBLED SPEECH

Ha-ha!

It sounds like the sort of noise you'd make!

Stupid cheap rubbish!

A-ha-ha!

-We shall become evil.

-We'll become so evil,

we'll make lambs cry, just by dreaming about them.

Maxman and Bentastic are gone for ever.

Say hello to...

Maximum Destruction!

And Fluffy Bunny Boy!

Ben, we agreed, you're Benergiser.

Do it again.

Fine, sorry.

And Benergiser!

EVIL LAUGHS

-Do you want a cup of tea?

-Yeah, sure.

Dani, we're...back...

What's going on in here?

Whoa...

Sam! Jack! Darlings.

She's cracked under the pressure of fame. I've heard about this.

Dani, what have you done?

Come through to the den - I'll explain.

Am I seeing things, or was that a dog she was carrying?

Either that or she's got a new hound-bag.

Hound-bag. You know? Handbag. D'you get that?

Awful.

Fine.

My number one fan is coming over for dinner.

I want my entire entourage to be with me.

-Your entourage?

-Sammy-woo and Jacky-wack, hello?

Are you referring to us?

Dani, where are my decks?

Yeah, where is my treadmill and my spacesuit?

I put them away. I need this house to look like a trendy celebrity pad.

I can't have your stuff cluttering up the place.

DOG WHINES

Look, guys, I need your help.

Now that I'm famous, people expect me to act a certain way.

Pretending to be someone you're not?

I CAN'T be me - I'd disappoint my fan.

She'll be expecting some glamorous celebrity

who lives a life of premieres and parties.

Shouldn't you just be yourself?

Yeah! We like you as you normally are. Your fan will, too.

Or take one look at me and think I'm a nobody.

Behold us.

What are you supposed to be?

I'm Benergiser, the embodiment of ultimate evil.

I'm Maximum Destruction!

We're so evil, we make Voldemort look like a roll of lavatory tissue.

Someone important's coming. I don't need anything embarrassing me -

like super villains running round.

-Sorry, Dani.

-Evil!

Sorry, Max. I mean...

I'm not sorry, I'm evil!

I'm so evil, I make the Green Goblin look like a pastry chef!

I'm so evil...

Yes, I get the idea.

Let's get out of here.

Watch yourself, Dani. You never know when we might strike.

Ya! Ya!

Having those two idiots running around is the last thing I need.

Please, guys, just for tonight, help me be a star?

OK.

-But you'd better not have scratched my decks.

-Or damaged my spacesuit.

They're safe and sound. Aren't they, Vivienne?

Remember, we're doing this for Dani.

I'm doing this to get my decks back. This whole thing is stupid.

Smile!

SHE SCREAMS

Dani! Dani! Give me a D, give me an A, give me an N, give me an I!

-Give me a pair of earplugs.

-I'm Olivia, Dani's number one fan.

-You're not Dani. Neither are you.

-I wasn't the last time I looked, no.

We're Dani's friends.

You're Dani's friends?!

SHE SCREAMS

What is she like? Tell me.

I can't believe you ACTUALLY know her. I can't believe I've met

two people who are Dani's actual real friends.

SHE SCREAMS

We'll take you to meet her.

SHE SCREAMS

I can't believe I'm going to meet Dani! I love Dani so much,

I'm just a Dani freak!

-Excited to meet Dani?

-She needs a tranquiliser dart.

Down there, straight to your left.

So Dani's fan has come to dinner.

You know what this means, don't you, Ben?

It's going to be a white Christmas this year?

It means we have a way to strike our arch-enemy where it hurts her most!

The sternum?

Her fan base.

Sounds painful.

Oh, we're going to win big at the Super Villain Awards this year.

We're going to win real big.

And the award for the most evil villain of the year goes to...

Benergiser!

What?!

It's a fix!

Wow! There are so many people I want to thank.

But firstly, everyone at the Legion of Ultimate Evil,

especially Captain Rancid and the Living Bum.

HE BREAKS DOWN

I'm sorry!

My local evil ice-cream man, Billy Whippy.

My Aunty Peg and Uncle Paddy.

My pet evil axolotl, Mr Stinky.

Get on with it!

Jimmy Suds, who does such a good job of cleaning the evil windows

in my secret volcano base of evil.

Boo!

JEERING

Hey! No rotten veg!

Tomatoes are a fruit, you ninny!

Dani, this is Olivia.

Is it really you?

Are you real? Can I hug you?

I'm as real as it gets. But I'd rather you didn't touch me.

Of course I can't touch you. I'm a complete plum for thinking I could.

You look so amazing, though.

I always look this way.

I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

You're the most beautiful, most talented,

most brilliant person on Earth, Dani.

I guess some people are just born with it.

(I've no choice! It's my job.)

Lovely little dog, yes!

Sam is my personal beautician. She comes with me wherever I go.

I think it's important to keep someone on hand at all times

to ensure I stay looking naturally radiant.

Wow. I doubt I could ever look as lovely as you do.

Of course you could.

What sort of make-up do you use to keep Dani looking so glamorous?

Er...

It's a magic cream! Isn't it, Sam?

And it's only available to special famous people like me.

So what do you like to do in your spare time?

Well, I'm so completely intellectual,

-I read at least five books a year.

-Wow.

I wish I could be like you.

What advice would you give to a little person like me?

You're not a little...

Ssh!

Dani is talking.

The best advice is that talent can't be learnt. It's in the genes.

-Oh.

-Sure that's the advice

you should give someone who looks up to you?

Be quiet...Samantha!

Only, I really want to be a successful actor one day like you.

I'd love to think that I had a chance.

Dinner is served.

Thank you!

So what's this?

Seared fillet of peacock with a pomegranate jelly.

It's what I always have for dinner, isn't it?

It's what celebrities eat.

Great! I can't wait to try the sort of food you like.

It's lovely, Dani.

-What IS this muck?

-This muck is exactly what you told me to make.

D'you know how much trouble I had

finding a supermarket that sold peacock fillets?

Argh! What's going on?

-We're trapped in a net.

-Thanks for pointing out the obvious.

Aha! Benergiser and Maximum Destruction strike again!

Max, get this thing off me.

Never! Not until your so-called fan

agrees to pay the ransom of £5 million!

No, £5 BILLION!

£5 million billion zillion billi-lilli-zillion!

I don't have that sort of money!

Nobody does - it's not even a number.

Then I have no choice but to use my patented spray-paint-atron.

When the countdown hits zero,

the device will explode, showering you and this entire room in paint.

It in't just ANY paint.

It's BLUE paint.

-Blue is for boys.

-Max, why are you doing this?

When she sees her idol covered in paint,

her air of mystique will be evaporated.

Dani will be revealed as the ordinary,

plain, boring girl she really is.

That won't matter if you get paint on the walls,

-cos Mum and Dad will kill us both.

-I didn't think of that.

-You still live with your mum and dad?

-Um...no!

Max! This is outrageous.

Do you not know who I am? I am Dani,

and in the last couple of days alone,

I have received precisely 976 letters from my adoring fans.

-Um...fan.

-What?

I wrote all those letters.

All of them?

Took me ages. Told you I'm your number one fan, Dani.

-So Dani isn't a role model to millions of girls after all?

-Nope.

Looks like it's just me.

Ben, help me to stop the Spray-paint-atron quick!

But you CAN'T stop it. You built it without an off button.

Just throw it out the window.

Once activated, the device has a motion sensor.

Moving it will set it off.

Throw something over the top of it!

-Like what?

-Like Ben!

No time, only five seconds left!

-4... 3...

-2...

-I'll save you, Dani!

-..1!

BEEPING

-Why did you do that?

-Well, I couldn't let DANI get covered in paint.

She's my hero.

Olivia, you've got to stop with this hero-worship stuff.

I'm not the glamorous celeb you think I am.

I don't understand.

Look, I'm just an ordinary girl that happens to be on the TV.

The clothes, the hair, the dog, it was just to impress you.

But I wanted to impress YOU.

Why would you want to impress me?

I didn't want to disappoint you.

You're not that different to me after all.

Thank goodness for that!

-You don't mind?

-Of course not!

That's a lot to live up to.

Look, you saved us all.

If anyone's a hero, it's you.

Can I have that hug now?

Come on.

-Aw.

-We suck at being villains as well as heroes, Max.

Quiet, Ben.

Max, wait!

Max, wait!

RIP!

Well, that's me and the den back to rights.

Admit it, you LOVED thinking you had

-thousands of fans who thought you were amazing.

-A bit.

If you ever think fame has changed me for the worse,

you know what to do.

Yeah. We'll put that video of you dancing online.

Your skirt falls down, you trip over it and fall into a fountain?

Don't you dare!

Oh, decks, how I've missed you!

And I'd better get back to my NASA revision.

Help me! Don't just stand there!

Come on, don't give up on me!

One day, Dani.

One day soon I shall have the victory that has long been denied to me.

I know we've stopped being super villains now,

but the fashions have a lot going for them. What do you think?

I think you look ridiculous.

Wait a minute - are those MY pants?

Er...no...

Take them off this instant.

RIP!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Thanks for letting me borrow your clothes, Dani.

Least I could do. Hey, I was thinking.

Why not hang out with us for a bit?

-I was going to watch a DVD and order pizza.

-Seriously?

I watch DVDs and order pizzas with MY friends, too.

Turns out we really are quite similar.

I'm just an ordinary girl like you.

I like that.

Pi is approximately equal to 3.141593 in a decimal notation.

-Your friends are a bit weird, though.

-Tell me about it!

That was a good episode, wasn't it?

Yes, it was.

Who's Daddy's favourite boy?

You won't believe this, but your biggest fan's here!

My fan? Can I meet them?

Stay right there.

Co-ordinator, meet your biggest fan.

Hilarious(!)

Turn it off! Turn it off!

I can't! The switch is stuck!

Argh!

Call a space ambulance.

I think I've broken my bottom bone.

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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