Hair Today Dani's House

"To Zang Ziglak, Base Cruiser 201, somewhere near the Saturn rings."

-Who's Zang Ziglak?

-Me...

it's my stage name.

Since when do you have a stage name?

I wasn't always Co-ordinator Zang, you know.

Before I joined the Space Academy I was...

Zang Ziglak,

ACTOR!

And clearly I wasn't too shabby as I still get fan mail.

So, what have you been in?

Have you heard of Star Wars?

Well, I was almost in that.

-Alien High School Musical?

-One of my favourite films, you were in that?!

Yeah...

Until they cut my bit out.

My best ever part was in Revenge Of The Disco-dancing Aliens.

Not the award-winning film based on the true story

of the disco-dancing aliens who saved our planet from a rampaging band

of space monkeys?!

No, that was Attack Of The Disco-dancing Aliens.

-I was in the sequel.

-Oh, I didn't realise they made a sequel.

Yes, well, it had a limited release and my part was great

and I remember my opening line...

-"Come forth..."

-Oh, look, Dani's House is on!

-Guess I'll tell you about it later.

-Shh!

Hey, guys, great to see you. My name is Dani and this is...

-Her best friend Sam.

-Sam!

As I was saying, my name is Dani and this is...

-Her other best friend Jack.

-Stuffing his face as usual!

As I was saying, my name is Dani and this is...

-Her brother Max!

-And his mate Ben!

-Just go away! QUIET!

-As I was saying, my name is Dani and this is...

-ALL: OUR HOUSE!

Oh, I give up! Shh!

-OK.

-I think we're almost done.

-Let me check. Blinds closed?

-Check.

-Big screen TV?

-Check.

-Sustenance and hydration?

-Check.

-Hydration devices?

-Oh...check!

-Scary movies?

-Aliens versus Hannah Montana loaded and ready to go.

-Then we're done.

-Our full moon scary movie marathon is ready for lift-off.

-Ahh!

-Except for...

-Morning!

Scratch that, she's here, let the spookiness begin!

Actually, I just stopped by to say I won't make it today.

We always watch the movie marathon together!

I know and I'm sorry, but I've got my first round interview with NASA

this afternoon and I really need to prepare for it.

-Why don't you do your prep here, like you always do?

-I would...

but Josh has offered to help me.

-You're going out with the librarian again?

-He is my boyfriend!

-You only met him last week?!

-I know. Feels like forever.

Oh, guess we'd better get started then.

Although I don't see how hanging out with Mr Library Nerd

is better than this.

Josh isn't a nerd, he's just really clever.

Did I mention he took his GCSEs when he was 10?

And when he was 12 he recreated the Big Bang using

just the contents of his lunchbox and when he...

FILM MUSIC STARTS

Nnnagh!

98...ngh...

99...agh!

Arghhhh!

100! Ah!

Ah, ah, ah!

-Ow! That hurt!

-Imagine how much more it WOULD have hurt

if we'd done all the bits between 10 and 90!

Is all this working out really necessary?

Do you want to go one-on-one with those year 12 meat heads again?

-What are you looking at, Squat?

-Your head, it's HUGE! Are you part yeti?

Grr!

I bet that your head is so big that

when you stand up people think there's an eclipse.

-When do we escape?

-Grr!

-Grr!

-Too late, time for plan B.

-DING DING!

-Mash 'em up, Ben! Mash 'em up!

-Help! Help!

-Hit his big toe!

Smash his cornea!

When did the older kids get so big?

I heard a rumour they're mixing growth hormones

with their breakfast cereal.

Since we're out of growth hormones we'll have to muscle up

to keep them off our backs!

I don't think I can do anymore. That last set wiped me out!

-But we only started 10 minutes ago!

-I know, I'm exhausted.

Ah, tell you what...

If we can manage another 10 minutes we can take a break

and then gate-crash Dani's scary movie marathon.

OK, but don't expect me to watch Shrek Four.

That talking gingerbread man terrifies me!

And then Josh tried to bring a sausage to life by re-creating

Dr Frankenstein's experiment!

-Thrilling.

-You don't say.

-Thought you weren't staying.

-I'm not.

I'm waiting for Josh to text me where to meet him.

-Did I mention he's got the...

-We seem to be out of popcorn.

-Sam, would you mind?

-No!

Thanks.

I don't think I can take much more of this!

I know more about Josh than I do myself!

-Hey, she seems happy. You should be pleased.

-I am...

kind of, I just wish she'd be happy in a less annoying way.

-It's always, "Josh this," or, "Josh that."

-Ha-ha-ha! Josh just texted!

-That's great, how is he?

-He's...

He's dumped me?!

I can't believe he just dumped me... and by text! "It's over!"

Just two words, like he couldn't be bothered to type any more.

-And on the day of your NASA interview. Heartless toad!

-Finished.

I'll get you some more.

Guess they got too scared.

Night Of The Werewolf Dentist?!

-"Warning, contains extreme blood and gore." Cool.

-Cool.

Isn't this great?

Not about Josh dumping Sam obviously, but we've got Sam back!

I don't get you girls. When your best friend's happy you're not,

-but when she's been dumped and got the blues you are?

-No.

SAM BLOWS HER NOSE NOISILY

It's not that, it's just...Sam needs me again.

-You feeling any better?

-Of course she's not, she looks dreadful!

I've seen a corpse with more colour, but don't worry,

I've got ice cream, tissues and, most importantly...

Mr Muffin!

-I don't know, Dani.

-Now, open your arms.

He doesn't look like much, but a cuddle from Mr Muffin

will make you feel a million times better.

He's SO cuddly!

Works every time.

AH!

-Ben!

-Sorry, I'm almost done.

What, being a girl?

Oh, this isn't moisturiser, it's spot cream.

You're putting it on your hands because...

I don't want any spots - duh!

-What's that on your hand?

-It's, e-er, n-nothing!

Why have you glued hair over your hand?

It's not glued on, it's everywhere.

It's on my arms, it's on my legs and I've even got some on my feet!

Look, I'll take your word for it. How long's this been going on for?

Don't know, a few weeks?

-About the time I got attacked by that crazy squirrel.

-Oh well...

'I don't care if you were bitten by a crazy squirrel

'and now every full moon you sprout hair all over your body

'and turn into a werewolf,

'you're still my friend and I won't shoot you!'

-I'm a werewolf!

-You're a werewolf!

BOTH: Ahhhh!

BOTH: Ahhhh!

BOTH: Ahhhh!

BOTH: Ahhhh!

-Can we stop screaming now, my throat hurts.

-Yeah.

I can't believe I'm a werewolf.

Oh, what am I going got do?

Let's think, we need to figure out what to do.

The best way of doing that is go back to where it all started.

I don't think I'd recognise that squirrel again.

Not the squirrel, the film.

We need to watch it to the end, see what happens and take it from there.

Good idea.

AHHH!

Sorry.

Right, back to the scary movies.

Typical, why do Dani and friends

always seem to interfere with my plans?

-Can't we explain what's happening?

-Tell Dani you're a Werewolf?!

You know the first thing she'd do?

-Call the authorities.

-And that's bad because?

They'd lock you up, do painful tests

and you'd spend your life chained to a wall

-with kitty litter for a toilet.

-That's awful.

I know. Which is why we have to keep it a secret.

Forget the film, we'll go online and see what we can find out on there.

-So, the heartbreak kit seemed to work.

-For now.

She still seems pretty fragile.

I'm just glad she has Mr Muffin, she'll need him.

I'm giving Mr Muffin back, I don't need him!

-Or maybe not.

-I've decided the only way to get over Josh

is through science. I'm going to do experiments on myself.

I'll figure out why I feel so bad

and can adjust my emotions accordingly.

-So, you're going to analyse yourself out of a broken heart?

-Exactly.

Plus, it's the perfect talking point for my NASA interview this afternoon.

Commander Zang, what does it mean to have a broken heart?

That's a good question. Ahem.

In my acting days, playing someone with a broken heart

was a bit of a speciality of mine.

I had to draw on some complicated emotions.

Pain...despair... vulnerability...ANGER!

BANGING

What are you doing?

Sorry, it's just, you were going on a bit so I thought I'd see for myself.

I pulled your heart out of the drawer and as you can see

it's well and truly broken.

Ngh!

Oh, no! I'm SO sorry. I'm sure I can glue it back together again!

Only joking, but I had you going, didn't I?

-I told you my acting was good! Ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha! HA-HA-HAA!

-Ahhh!

-Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

-How's it going, Dr Love?

-What are you doing?

Analysing the composition of comfort food

-to see why it makes you feel better.

-Sounds good.

-Hmm.

I've gathered all my tear-stained tissues,

dried them and scraped them to measure the salt.

-Now I need comparison samples.

-What can we do to help?

-Cry.

-Huh?

You can't expect us to cry on demand. We're not robots!

Boo-hoo-hoo!

What? I'm an actor, it's what I do.

Well, I'm not, I'm a bloke. I don't cry, I'm way too hard.

What about that cute puppy advert?

-What, the one who can't find his mummy?

-Hmm-mm.

Boo-hoo-hoo!

-What is that?

-That is an acute aversion high intensity chair.

Or, as we like to say in the industry, an, "AAH, IC!" Ha-ha-ha!

Anyway.

It is designed to help the subject develop a rational response

to irrational emotion, so in this case, being heartbroken.

So, basically, I show you things to do with Josh

and you try and not react to them?

Exactly. And if I do, that red light will start flashing

and I'll be exposed to an unpleasant stimulant. Jack?

Oh, so that's where I come in.

Just one sniffle, one little tear, and... AHHH!

Jack playing violin, ULTIMATE torture.

-Why do you think I gave you ear defenders? Guys, strap me in.

-OK.

MACHINE BEEPS STEADILY

-OK, ready?

-Yes.

The hair band you wore on your first date with Josh.

The sandwich wrapper from your picnic with Josh in the park.

You'll be all right with this.

It's just a boring old book, "Travels Through The Periodic..."

"Table."

BEEPING INCREASES It's the only book Josh hasn't read,

we were going got read it together and recreate each...EXPERIMENT!

Boo-hoo-hoo! ALARM WAILS

Oh! Just do it, Jack. Do it.

OK, Sam.

AHHHHH!

AHHHHH!

Guess they got to the part where the werewolf appears.

-I wish I'd seen it so I knew what was coming.

-We know what to expect

since we found all that stuff online.

You transform tonight, become furry and fangy and try to eat me.

-That's the bit that worries me.

-Not if we get these on you

-before you come over all wolfy.

-I guess.

-Anyway, if you're a lycanthrope...

-A what?

-Fancy name for a werewolf.

Then it probably means there are others out there.

In that case, being a werewolf might be fun!

-How did you figure that?

-I can hang out with other lycopops,

cough up fur balls, and maybe even form a club and howl at the moon.

Sounds lame.

As werewolves, we'll be super-strong

and be able to take on the year 12 meat heads.

But...but we were going to do that once we muscled up.

-With my new werewolf mates I won't need you.

-Oh, I see how it works.

-See, me being a werewolf is going to be great!

-Oh, absolutely, can't wait.

Are you sure it's a good idea to do your interview today?

-I mean, I'm sure NASA won't mind postponing.

-But I would.

This is an amazing opportunity and I'm not delaying it

cos of some silly little thing like boyfriend trouble!

I wouldn't call going 10 rounds with a screechy violin a little thing.

Maybe not, but thanks to my experiments, I'm better.

-I'm more than better, I'm cured.

-Well, good luck, then.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll knock those NASA folk off their rockets...

or whatever it is that they sit on!

I know you guys are worried,

but I can honestly say I'm completely over Josh.

Wish me luck! BOTH: Good luck!

-She's so not over him.

-Mm-mm.

How could he dump me after all we've been through?

Here you go.

Prrrp!

Ugh!

-That's OK, you can keep that.

-Thank you.

As I was saying, I've conducted a series of experiments

to analyse why my relationship has failed

and I've discovered...

it's because he's a boy!

-And boys are stupid.

-Yep.

They do nasty things like lure girls with rocket-shaped sandwiches...

and free library weekend passes.

Boo-hoo! I miss Josh so much!

Boo-hoo-hoo!

Sorry, just give me a moment and I'll be right with you, OK?

BOO-HOO-HOO!

-I'm back!

-AH!

-AH!

-Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

-I wasn't scared.

Then why's your cushion got bite marks? So, how'd it go?

-Couldn't have gone better.

-That's brilliant!

-You tell them about your experiment?

-Yes, I covered that area.

I have to confess, I was a bit worried

you'd start ranting about Josh in the middle of your interview!

-Ha-ha!

-I didn't think you could analyse yourself out of love,

-but I guess you proved me wrong.

-Sure did!

Anyway, enough about me, what are we watching?

-Attack Of The Zombie Hamsters, you up for it?

-Absolutely.

Looks like being dumped by Josh

was the best thing that could have happened to you.

-I'm just going to go and get changed.

-OK.

SCREAMING ON THE TV

It's so handy these straps were just lying around the house.

I know. Must belong to my grandfather from the old days.

-Was he a soldier in the war?

-No, dentist.

-I need the loo.

Oh, it better just be a pee, because I can see the moon rising.

Don't worry, Max, I've been to the loo many times, and I'm 90% sure

I can tell the difference between needing a pee

-and needing a...

-Just make it quick, OK?

'And maybe even form a club and howl at the moon!

'But with my new werewolf mates, I won't need you!'

Ben? Is that you?

-Oh, hey, Max.

-What are you doing?

I thought you were going to wreak havoc on the year 12 meat heads?

I was. But when I found them, it turns out they're just like me.

-GROWLING

-Hey, there, little doggies.

I've always been Team Jacob on Twilight.

Go, werewolves! Wooh!

GROWLING

Noooooo!

Hello, operator. Who do I call to report a werewolf?

SHE SNIFFS

Oh, don't worry. Hamsters would never do that in real life. I hope.

-Sam, you OK?

-Josh has a jacket like that monster.

Where the woman was getting attacked by the zombie hamsters,

it reminded me of our first date.

You were attacked by undead furry creatures on a date?

No, we went out to dinner. But they had rabbit on the menu!

And rabbits are like hamsters, but with bigger ears!

Oh, I thought you were over Josh!

You guys are right, you can't hide from your feelings.

All those experiments did was make me miss Josh even more.

-What about your interview?

-I lied.

I spent the whole time talking about Josh dumping me

and that's when I wasn't sobbing. I've ruined everything.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, that's them. They said they'd call once they saw everyone.

I can't bear to answer. Please be me.

Good day. Sam speaking. How can I be of service?

Mm-hm.

-Right. OK. Thanks. Bye.

-Oh, it's bad, isn't it?

If you didn't want to get through to the next round! They loved you!

They said it was so refreshing to meet a scientist

-so in touch with their feelings!

-I can't believe it!

THEY SCREAM AND LAUGH

-I'm nervous! Do you think it's going to hurt, the change?

-I don't know.

Probably. Which is why I've enlisted help.

-Ben, I've called the authorities.

-But you said we shouldn't!

-Something about painful tests and kitty litter!

-I know! I'm sorry.

I couldn't risk it. You could get loose and there's

lots of stuff here that a clumsy werewolf could destroy.

-Who said I'm going to be clumsy?

-Be realistic, Ben, it's you.

I can't believe you've done this! I trusted you! I thought we were...

Arrrgh!

Oh, Max! It tickles everywhere! But not in a good way! Make it stop!

I can't, Ben, you're changing, and there's nothing we can do.

Just try and relax. Breathe.

-You know, like on that yoga video your mum has.

-What?!

Not that I'd know about that, obviously!

HE HOWLS

-That sounded a lot like a wolf.

-And it is a full moon.

As if a werewolf would be in here.

You two have been watching too many scary movies.

HOWLING CONTINUES

-Scratch! Scratch! I need to scratch!

-Keep breathing. You're doing good.

Please, Max, untie me! I don't think I'm turning into a werewolf! Look!

No fans! And I haven't got claws! Look at my feet!

Pretty disgusting, but they do seem more human than wolf.

-How can I be sure?

-I don't know,

but figure it out soon, even my eyebrows itch.

I've got an idea, just wait there.

-Hey, Jack.

-Arrgh!

Sorry. I'm a bit jumpy.

All the scary movies are starting to take their toll!

-Yes, scary movies, eh? Seen any werewolf films?

-Yeah, tonnes.

-Fangs Of Fury, Hungry And Hairy.

-Whatever. So what happens in the end?

Someone gets bitten, turns into a werewolf,

eats people, then gets shot by someone they love.

How are they sure it's a werewolf?

The all-over body hair and huge teeth are a giveaway.

Plus they double in size, get super strong

and there's even a lot of drooling.

-Is there anything about being itchy?

-What? No. Why do you ask?

-And why are you writing this down?

-Oh, no reason. Just curious.

-You may be right.

-That I'm not a werewolf? Great! Then let me out!

Two seconds. Right. All over body hair?

Not really.

Huge teeth? No.

Double in size and super strength?

No.

Drooling? Yes.

You do that anyway, so it doesn't really count.

-Guess you're not a werewolf!

-Yes!

-Right.

I don't get it. If you're not a werewolf, then what's wrong with you?

I don't know! But this feels so good!

You sure you don't want to go out and celebrate?

It's been such a rollercoaster day, staying in is about all I can manage.

-I'm so sorry you got dumped.

-I guess I gave my heart to the wrong guy.

At least I don't have to look at a photo

-to remember what you look like.

-What do you mean?

-You did kind of go AWOL.

-I knew you were jealous of Josh!

-What?!

-Jack! Tell her I wasn't!

-I... well...

-I think I left something...

-See!

See what?! He was just babbling!

You couldn't bear that I had a boyfriend and you didn't!

-Oh, I could get a boyfriend tomorrow if I wanted!

-Oh, yeah, like who?

Christopher Starling!

The guy in your acting class that you said smells like cheese!

Maybe he smells better now! Maybe he smells a bit more like cheesecake!

-What's so funny?

-I'm imagining somebody smelling like cheesecake!

THEY LAUGH

-I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said anything.

-No, I am sorry.

I did go a bit AWOL.

And I swear I'll never let a guy become more important

-than my friends again.

-It's good to have my best friend back. Squeeze!

-You just lost your best mate.

-I said I was sorry.

-You rang the authorities!

-I was worried!

-About what?!

Don't say me breaking stuff, because I do that anyway!

Maybe I was worried that once you got your new wolf mates you'd think of me

-as more of a snack than a best mate.

-No way. I'd always want you around.

-Even if I wasn't a werewolf?

-Of course! Plus, who else

would get me out of trouble if I ate my neighbours!

-Thanks, Ben.

-Oh, this itching is driving me crazy!

Oh, hand me my spot cream, it might help.

Apart from your hands, where else have you been putting this stuff?

Everywhere. I told you. I don't want any spots.

I don't see how this would help.

-Anti-hair loss lotion!

-That explains the random hair growth and itchiness.

I must have grabbed the wrong thing from Dad's cabinet.

-Won't he notice it's gone?

-No. I swapped it for my fungal foot cream.

BOTH: Urgh!

Hurry up, Jack! We're about to put the movie on!

DOORBELL RINGS

Finally! We're altogether. I've got food and drink.

And crucially, scary movie classic, Revenge Of The Disco-Dancing Aliens!

Sam, someone here to see you.

-What are you doing here?

-I'm hoping to make things up to you.

-How did the interview go?

-Great, actually! No thanks to you!

I had no idea you'd be this upset!

-I did send a text.

-You certainly did! "It's over".

What happened? Your thumbs get tired from all that texting?

No way! That's not what I sent! "It's overrunning.

"I'll be round at seven, hope the interview goes well, kiss kiss".

Oh, I didn't scroll down. Kiss kiss, that's so sweet.

-So, you haven't dumped me?

-What, and give up seeing

my favourite library user of the month?

No way. So, are you ready to go?

-I've got front row seats for the string theory seminar.

-No way!

-I knew you'd love it.

-So, shall we?

-Absolutely.

Actually, Josh... Do you mind if we go another time?

-Just, I've already made plans.

-Oh, yeah. Sure. No problem. I'll just...

Josh!

Why don't you just stay here, we've got plenty of popcorn

-and I'm sure Jack can rustle up a drinks hat.

-You don't mind?

-No, I can cobble some out of cushions.

-So, what are we watching?

-Revenge Of The Disco-Dancing Aliens.

-Oh, that's my favourite film!

-I met an alien once, actually.

-What? Really?

-Thanks, Dani.

-No problem.

Plus, I've got a really big library fine I'm hoping

-Josh will make disappear.

-Of course you do!

Guys, get over here, the aliens are about to get the glitter ball out!

-I can't believe Dani is watching your film.

-I know!

And as a fellow actor, I'm sure she can appreciate

the subtlety of my performance.

I wish I'd seen it now. Hey, how about you give me a preview?

What? Here? Now?!

OK. My part was towards the end. There was a big fight scene.

Everyone was SCREAMING!

And then I appeared.

As I discoed my way through the flying bullets, I got hit.

Thereby saving the hero's life!

My death scene was worthy of an Academy Award.

HE GASPS AND GROANS

Urgh! Oh! Oh!

HE GASPS AND GRUNTS

Actors!

# Some times I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea

# I will be

# Breaking free. #