The Big Grapple Dani's House

I've prepared us a traditional Earth drink to enjoy during Dani's House.

-It's called milk.

-Mah?

Milk.

What a strange name.

Hmmm, malk.

No, MILK.

-Milch?

-Milk.

-Milt?

-Milk.

Marple pub?

Maldemole?

Murdleburdle?

Ah, just drink it. It's very good for you.

Humans even give it to their infants.

That is rather refreshing. Where does it come from?

Some sort of plant, perhaps?

SHE WHISPERS

It comes out of where?! And you let me drink it.

Relax, Coordinator Zang. It's perfectly natural.

Besides, this isn't human milk.

Thank goodness for that.

This milk comes from a big, smelly cow.

Look! You've got dirty, smelly cow juice all over Dani's House.

Hey, guys! Great to see you.

My name's Dani, and THIS is...

-Her best friend, Sam.

-Sam!

As I was saying, my name's Dani and THIS is...

Her other best friend, Jack.

Stuffing his face as usual.

As I was saying, my name's Dani, and THIS is...

Brother Max, and his best friend, Ben.

Get out of my way! QUIET!!!

My name's Dani and THIS is Dani's House.

-ALL SHOUT

-Oh! I give up!

SSHH!!!

Hey, guys! I'm just going through some of my home movies.

I'll put them on a hard drive, so I can watch them for years to come.

Aw, I remember that day.

That's the day me, Sam and Jack had a massive pillow fight.

Ah, good times.

What's this?

DOCTOR WHO VOICE: Where have you brought me this time, old girl?

What is this rubbish?

ROBOT VOICE: Prepared to be robotomised, Time Lord.

Not while I still have my sonic screwdriver, Tin Ribs!

Ah! Max! Stop it! You're shining in my eyes.

You know how sensitive my retinas are to shiny things. Ow!

Now I've broken my shin.

This is the worst ever episode of Doctor Who.

He recorded over my stuff! He ACTUALLY recorded over my stuff.

He's gone too far this time. WAY too far.

I'm going to...

M-A-A-A-A-A-X!!!

-Did you say something?

-You used my camcorder to make your stupid films.

Really? Doesn't sound like something I'd do.

Sounds EXACTLY like what you'd do.

I've lost count of the times you've done stuff like this.

You've crossed the line this time, and it's the last time you ever do.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. It sounded like a...

COMIC VOICE: "Wah! My name's Dani.

"I love the sound of my big, flapping gob!"

Repeat that, mouthy little toad.

Just remember I'm not so LITTLE any more, shrimp features.

COME HERE!!!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Come on, Dani, keep up!

Laters!

I'm disappointed, Dani. You used to be able to keep pace with me.

I'll be there in a minute...probably.

To think, you used to be a challenge. Such a crying shame(!)

I just need a lie-down.

What's happened to you(?)

I'll get you, Max!

I've been so busy working, I must have let myself go.

Another doughnut?

No! This is why I'm unfit. I'm either sat around learning my lines,

-or stuffing my face with your terrible junk food.

-ARGH!

Ssh! Not in front of my babies! Don't listen to the nasty lady!

I need to cut out the rubbish and start exercising. I say, "No more!"

Well, that was a waste of a perfectly good doughnut.

That bit goes there, that bit goes there. There's a corner piece.

There's still a bit missing.

Of course there's a bit missing, it's a doughnut(!)

Do you still know that personal trainer whose party you DJ'd at?

You mean Ruby? I've still got her number somewhere.

-I must warn you. She's pretty intense.

-How intense?

I'm REALLY intense!

Sorry about that. I don't know what came over me.

-Hi, I'm Ruby. You must be Dani.

-Yup!

-Jack said you want to get fit?

-Do you think you can help?

I can help. Failure, defeat and losing aren't in my vocabulary.

Good. Exercise, workout and activity aren't in mine.

All right, Rubes?

Whoa! Mr DJ! You're looking at a...

Don't handle the merchandise.

Sure it's not you that needs to get fit?

He's half my problem. I keep picking up on his bad eating habits.

-Oi! I could start eating healthily any time I wanted.

-Prove it!

Fine. I'll quit eating junk food.

-As soon as I've finished this bag of crisps.

-No, I wouldn't, Jack.

Blimey! You girls are so bossy.

-Ruby, I'm bored. I'm hungry.

-Dani, this is my sister, Maisy

Hope you don't mind me looking after her?

-No problem.

-I've seen you in McHurties Hospital.

-Bit of a fan?

-No, it's rubbish.

-Maisy!

-Sorry, Dani. She's got a major attitude problem.

-Sounds familiar.

Hell-o! I'm ten. If I'm to fulfil my potential,

I need mental stimulation and food.

Well, the kitchen's through there. You can help yourself.

But make sure you don't eat anything poisonous(!)

I'm not a baby(!)

Let's start by getting you energised, shall we? Pow-pow-pow!

OK!

-Who are you?

-Who are you?

The name's Maisy. What are YOU supposed to be?

Call me Max.

-What sort of a name is "Maisy"?

-What sort of a name is "Max"?

-It's short for "Maximum Coolness".

-Don't you mean "Maximum Lameness"?

What are you doing here?

-None of your beeswax.

-Yes, it is. It's my house.

Maybe I've bought it.

Where d'you get the money?

Won the lottery.

-You're lying.

-What if I'm not?

You're too young to play.

Maybe they changed the rules

whilst you were too busy sniffing your armpits to notice.

You can't talk to me like that.

I am Max. I demand to know what you're doing here.

Fine. My stupid older sister brought me here

while she works with that so-called actress.

That so-called actress is my so-called sister.

So, we've both got rubbish older sisters.

Interesting.

Jack, what are you doing?

Dani and Ruby don't think I can eat healthily.

I'm going to show them I can.

I can't have any temptation.

From now on, just call me the Saladmeister.

Actually, don't ever call me the Saladmeister.

How would you like a challenge?

I'm listening.

First one to make the Saladmeister eat junk food wins.

-What's the prize?

-How about our watches?

Yours is rather nice.

A Timechecker 3000, if I'm not mistaken.

It's not up for grabs. How about we play for the satisfaction

-of knowing who's the bigger genius?

-You're on.

We should start off with a basic cardio workout.

Five minute gentle jog on the spot to warm you up.

Followed by some ball squats and lunges, followed by...

GO ON!! Rip his head off, mangle him!

-Dani?

-Sorry, got a bit caught up in that.

-You like wrestling?

-It's the first time I've watched it.

This is my trouble. I'd rather do anything than exercise.

Watch TV, play video games, surf the 'net,

play with this bit of fluff on the sofa.

COMIC VOICE: "Oh! I'm Mr Fluffy Fluff, and I live in Fluffer Town."

We need find exercise you'll enjoy. You seem to enjoy the wrestling.

Wrestling?! I can't wrestle, are you serious?

Majorly serious. Look at this serious face!

Have you seen a more serious face?

But what if something happens to MY face? I need it.

Behind that face lurks a lean, mean WRESTLING machine.

-Let me hear you say it!

-I'm a lean, mean wrestling machine?

Say it with energy!

-I'M A WRESTLING MACHINE!

-Better.

You're going to need that energy,

because I'm entering you into a local wrestling competition.

-What?

-It's perfect. It'll give you something to aim for.

I can't even fight my way out of a paper bag.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the World Weakling Championship.

Our first event - fighting your way out of a paper bag.

Representing Mexico, Rodriguez!

Ay, ay, ay!

Representing United States Of America,

it's Jason "Stick Insect" Skinner!

Yee-hah!

Representing United Kingdom, it's Jenny The Dinky.

All right, mate?

On the count of three, start fighting your way

out of the paper bag.

On three,

on two,

on one!

CROWD CHEERS

We may be here some time.

Ah, hey, Jack.

COMIC VOICE: How are you doing, my old friend?

Hungry. It's all this healthy eating. I can't eat any...

All right, don't want your life story.

Anyway, I have something for you.

Is it a pony? An edible pony?

Made out of fresh-covered marshmallows that I could eat?

I must stop thinking like that.

-Hey, Jack.

-Ah. Maisy, right?

I was wondering if you'd like a spare, giant lollipop?

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

And it's all for you, Jack.

I want it, I need it. But I can't. I swore I wouldn't.

But it has your name on it.

Literally.

Forget her lolly. I happen to have this life-size replica of your head.

Made entirely out of chocolate.

He looks just like me. But even more delicious.

I didn't think that was possible.

You know you love chocolate.

Just think of the lolly, Jack.

-Mmmm, all sticky and sweet.

-Choccy choc.

Lolly, lolly, lolly.

Choccy.

Lolly!

Choccy!

No! I can't, I can't.

I won't.

I promised I wouldn't. I'm happy eating my...

salad.

Time to step things up a bit.

I look ridiculous!

You'll get used to it. Hey! I was thinking about names.

What about Dani Pocalypse? Dani Geddon? Dani Destruction?

Why can't I keep my own name?

Wrestlers are meant to inspire fear in their opponents.

Dani doesn't so much inspire fear as it does..."Meh".

Check out these guys. Beeferella.

Stevie Smashtastic.

The Demolisher.

I know I came to you for help, but I don't think I'm cut out for it.

You just need something to aim for.

That's why I've entered you into...Wrestletasia!!

We need to ensure you're fit so you don't get hurt.

I don't want to get hurt!

Exactly! The tournament's for charity.

All proceeds go towards the local sanctuary for confused donkeys.

Confused donkeys?

DONKEY BRAYS

Oh, I'm so confused.

The donkeys are already confused.

You don't want them to be disappointed too, do you?

Er, I guess not.

Which is why I'll push you harder than you've ever been pushed before.

Now, get pumping iron, girl.

# Bounce

# Bounce. #

Huh!

# Bounce

# Bounce. #

Arghhh!

# Bounce. #

Ah! Get off me!

Oh!!!

999!

998!

1,000!

Huh!

SIGHS

Coordinator,

why do humans continually aspire to change their appearance?

They're forever trying to improve their physique

or change their hairstyles or their clothes.

It's a mystery to me, Coordinator.

I don't know why they can't just be happy with what they've been given.

What?

There's no shame in wanting to look nice.

BLOWS KISS

-Hey, Jack.

-Dani, you've got to help me. I think I'm seeing things.

Cakes floating before my eyes, sausages in my milk,

and I keep seeing this little ice-cream head man.

He was peering through my bedroom window this morning.

Aargh! Look! He's followed me here.

There's no little ice-cream head man, Jack.

Ohhh! I think I must be going crazy. It's this health kick.

All I can think about is junk food.

Chips and ice cream, and ham...

..burgers.

Ohhh! It's driving me insane, Dani. I'm seeing hamburger people, man!

Ruby's been driving me mad, too.

I thought you're really determined to get fit.

I know, but it's so boring!

Between you and me, I've not been training as hard as Ruby thinks.

She tells me to do 50 press-ups, I'll do 10.

Hasn't Ruby entered you into Wrestletasia?

If you're not fit, you'll be annihilated.

-I know that?!

-Morning, guys!

Today's the big day, Dani. No backing out now.

-Can I go and play with Max?

-Yeah, but don't get in any trouble.

-As if I would.

-Look, Ruby, about the wrestling tournament...

-You're not thinking of quitting or anything, are you?

-No!

No, never. As if I would.

Good. Cos think of those poor, confused donkeys.

I'm so confused.

I don't want to let down the donkeys, Ruby, really.

I mean that. It's just that, um, it's, um...

-You're not ill, are you?

-Yes!

That's it. I completely forgot that

I was ill with, um, something...itis.

"Something-itis"?

No!

Not something-itis, you know, the other one. Um, thingy.

Um, thingy thing-thing! It's really contagious.

-Better put myself into quarantine.

-Dani, look.

I know you're scared, but I wouldn't enter you

into Wrestletasia if I didn't think you were ready.

-Yeah, I...

-You wanted to get fit, and you have.

Going out there and winning a wrestling competition

all for a good cause is your reward. Now, what do you say?

Are you ready to kick some serious bottom?

Grrr!

-You could always run away.

-Mmm.

Jack is weak, and if I'm going to ensure my victory,

I need more than ordinary snacks and junk food.

This is why I have devised...

Doughnutius Maximus.

The ultimate doughnut.

-Who are you talking to?

-Erm...erm...

..no-one! I was....erm, singing!

Yes, singing.

# I'm singing a song

# La la la... #

What are you doing, Max?

What makes you think I'm doing something?

I don't know. Your suspicious behaviour?

Like you're not up to something too.

Whatever you're planning, however you intend to take Jack

back to the junk site, I'm going to top it.

Bring it on.

I'll bring it on like Donkey Kong!

Well, you're going down, Maisy.

You're going down like a massive clown.

Well, you're going to fail.

You're going to fail like a stale whale.

Yeah, well you're going to mess it up.

You're going to mess it up like a...

Like a...

If that's the best you've got,

then I've already got this challenge sewn up.

Oh, hang on, just thought of another one. Aw, too late.

So, here we are. Wrestletasia. Isn't it exciting?!

That's one word for it.

You can almost smell the adrenaline.

There's me thinking it was stale sweat.

Listen, Ruby, there's something I need to say.

You don't need to say anything to thank me. Your face says it all.

-Bet you never thought you'd get here.

-Got that right(!)

-Now we just need to get you a fight. Leave the talking to me.

-What? No!

Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention, please?

May I introduce you to the meanest,

the most dangerous new wrestler on the circuit,

-Miss Dani Destruction!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Who dares step in the the with this powerhouse of chaos?

She'll take on anyone and tie them up like a pretzel!

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah!

She don't look so tough to me.

Don't be fooled by the unassuming exterior, Beefarella.

She might not look like much, but on the inside

she's a powerhouse of carnage!

Oh, yeah?

I'll snap her in half like a dry twig!

Well, she'll...turn you inside out like a sleeping bag.

I'll crush her like a sock full of marshmallows.

She'll rip you in half like a slice of bread.

Grrr!

You've got yourself a fight, ladies.

Ruby, what are you doing?! You'll get me into trouble.

Relax. It's all part of the game. Psyching her out.

Psyching me out!

Let's do it. Let's bring on the pain game.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

I'm finally starting to get used to eating better.

That smoothie doesn't actually make me want to scratch out my own tongue.

Right, what can I make next?

Carrot surprise? Lettuce fantasia?

Wheatgrass jamboree?

MUSIC STOPS

Listen. Can you smell something?

I'm getting...icing sugar...

E-numbers...caramel glaze...

Ohhh!

A ripe blueberry jam in sweetened batter crust.

Smells like...smells like...

Smells like an old friend.

Ohhh! My beauties.

My wonderful, naughty, sugary beauties.

Look at you, you forbidden lovelies.

Come to them, Jack.

You know you want to.

They're all for you.

Glazed with melted sugar,

dusted with cinnamon, nutmeg and sprinkles.

Filled with a blueberry jam

so pure and sweet,

it could melt your tear ducts.

They are indeed the ultimate doughnuts.

Ohhh! I want you.

I want to eat you all. I can't resist!

Oh, Jack...

I give you the final word in chocolate cake.

You might as well face it, Max - it's over.

You're smaller than her, but the work we did on your core muscles

should mean you're pure strength underneath.

-I can't do this, Ruby!

-Of course you can.

You'll mash her like a ball of potato.

You'll crack her like a walnut. You'll punish her like a...

Stop saying I'll do stuff to her like a something else!

I'm nowhere near as fit as you think.

But you've been doing hundreds of sit-ups every day.

Not even I can do that. I read your fitness diary.

It's incredible what you've achieved.

The fitness diary is a load of rubbish.

-I haven't done half the stuff I said I did.

-You lied to me?

Well, lying's a bit harsh.

It's more that I decided to portray a false version of the truth.

-You lied to me.

-You kept pushing me and you wouldn't back down.

You kept hyping me up and insulting Queen Kong over there!

OK, I'm sorry, but - what are we going to do now?!

-You can go on instead of me.

-What?!

You're way tougher and fitter.

But I can't fight instead of you! We haven't registered,

and...well...we'll be disqualified, and I never lose.

Then pretend to be me.

With the mask, no-one'll know we swapped places.

If I go in there, she's going to shred me

like a...duvet in a combine harvester. Please.

OK.

I used cocoa powder sourced direct from the Amazon basin.

There are layers of fudge,

caramel, dark, white and milk chocolate,

and it's all for you, Jack.

I'm not stupid. I know what you two are doing.

You've got some kind of challenge going on. But...but...

I don't think I'm strong enough to resist. I'm too weak.

Just take one little bite.

That's all you need to do.

One tiny bit and the pain'll stop.

Where's the harm in that?

Don't listen to her, Jack!

Try one of my doughnuts.

You know how much you love doughnuts, don't you?

They'll solve all your problems.

It's the cake you want, Jack.

-It's the doughnuts.

-You know you want them both, Jack.

But which one are you going to eat first?

Which is it going to be?

DRAMATIC MUSIC

RUBY SCREAMS

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

Just keep out of her reach. Look out!

Stop running away, that's cheating!

Grrr!

RUBY SCREAMS BELL RINGS

That's it! You only have to keep that up for another 12 rounds.

BELL RINGS Grrr!

You don't have to beat her, you just have to survive until the end.

-RUBY SCREAMS

-Do it for the confused donkeys!

Aaargh!

Grrr!

Which is it going to be, Jack?

Well, Jack?

-Neither.

-Neither?!

Nope.

I'm going to have this instead.

But you love junk food!

Yeah, but I also love fresh fruit and veg now.

All that rubbish I used to eat must have dulled my taste buds.

I never realised how good this stuff actually was.

Sorry, guys.

Eurgh, is that a worm?!

What?! Where? Eurgh!

Got ya.

Aaarrghhh!

Time out!

-What?

-I can't do this.

-You're not Dani Destruction.

No. I'm her trainer. There's Dani.

What's going on?

Long story short - I really don't want to fight you. So, I forfeit.

CROWD BOOS You forfeit?

Yep. I throw in the towel.

I wave the white flag. Call it quits?

There's no harm in admitting I'm slightly scared right now.

But I wanted a fight, you massive chicken.

OK, fine! I'm a chicken.

So what? At least I'm not a...

gorilla!

What did you call me?!

Aaargh!

Time to go.

-What about the confused donkeys?

-Stuff the confused donkeys!

I'm still so confused.

So. Looks like neither of us won the challenge.

-But you played the game well, Max.

-As did you.

-I look forward to our next meeting.

-As do I.

-Bye, then.

-Maisy?

-Yeah?

-My watch.

-You're good, Max.

I've a feeling this is going to be the start of a beautiful battle.

-What is that?

-Sprouting cabbage smoothie.

They're delish! You should try one. BREAKS WIND

-Eurgh!

-There may be one or two side effects.

We'll manage without.

So, you didn't tell me how you got on at Wrestletasia.

We came away with our heads held high.

And still attached to our bodies.

BREAKS WIND Eurgh, Jack!

-It's bad, isn't it?

-Eurgh!

-Oh, that is really nasty.

-Ha! It's marvellous.

-So...

Have you prepared the checklist of everything we've learned

from Dani's House this week?

Indeed I have, Coordinator Zang.

Firstly, humans find physical violence and farting entertaining.

Secondly, some humans prefer eating food that harms their bodies,

and thirdly, wrestling costumes are very, very unflattering.

I beg to differ!

SHE LAUGHS

What? I think it rather suits me.

Feel the steel!

Ow!

That really stung.

SHE LAUGHS

-A human. What's that thing?

-It's a caravan.

-And what am I?

-You're a donkey!

-What are you?

-Human. Donkey.

-Human.

-Donkey.

I'm so confused.