Angel Diddy TV

# Larry Weinsteinberger The Diddy Movies boss

# His last few films have flopped With catastrophic money loss

# So he's ditching Diddy Movies For the thrill of television

# The small screen is the future For those with any vision

# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station

# Packed with creativity Style and innovation

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

Hello, and first on Diddy TV we go to the local city hospital, where

the hard-working and dedicated staff have all taken the day off.

DICK CHUCKLES

DICK SINGS

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

DOM MUTTERS

Argh!

Argh!

EXPLOSION

APPLAUSE

Please welcome TV's Mr Cupid, Paddy Yourmate.

Hello, and welcome to It's A Date,

the show that shows people how to fall in love

in the relaxed environment of prime-time television.

Let's welcome to the stage our first contestant,

it's Zane from somewhere.

Come on out here, Zane.

APPLAUSE

Zane from somewhere, welcome to the show.

Haven't you got a funny story about something?

-Yes!

-Let's play It's A Date.

Now, Zane, behind this screen are three potential dates for you.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

And, can I just say, I really want you to find true love.

Never really found it myself, you see. It's hard in this day and age.

HE SOBS

No-one loves me.

Now, as always, Zane,

you get to pick your potential partner by only seeing their feet.

Now, will love blossom like a flower

or crash and burn like a meteor shower?

We're all rooting for you, Zane.

-Fire away with your first question.

-Hello, number one.

What do you want?!

Oh, erm, erm, I'm a lot like Cheddar cheese because I'm mature

and tasty. What kind of cheese are you like and why?

Stupid question, shove off.

All right, not to worry, Zane, maybe number two will be the one.

-Hello, number two.

-Hi, Zane.

Now, I like sausages...

No, sorry, I'm a vegetarian.

AUDIENCE: Aww...

Zaney, Zaney, Zaney, deary me.

Look, hang in there, because I can feel the love in the air,

I can almost touch it.

-Hello, number three.

-Hello, Zane, it's amazing to meet you.

Oh, actually, they sound quite nice.

I like cats because they're soft, sweet and PURRfect.

What kind of animal is your favourite?

-I like cats too, snap!

-Really?

Oh, oh, in that case, I'd like to date number three, please.

Oh, Zane, you ARE keen. Hold on, you've got two more questions left.

-No point, I'm in love.

-No, you can't be, no! I'm not having this.

-You know what? Number three, you're disqualified.

-Eh?

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

All this talk of love and dating and all getting together -

oh, lovey-dovey - I'm not having it, right?

If I can't date anyone, no-one can.

-Pick number one.

-No!

-Do it.

All right, I'll pick number one.

-APPLAUSE

-Yay! It's a date!

Zane, meet Samantha.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

You know what? I can't wait to see how you two get on.

Join us next time for more magical matchmaking in It's A Date.

This is brilliant, Larry, real edge-of-your-seat stuff.

I'm always on the edge of my seat.

Well, maybe you should get a bigger seat.

You're right, Stampy, that's what I love about you,

you're always so enthusiastic about everything.

Well, what's the point in being a Grumpy Graham

when you can be a Charlie Chuckles?

Or a Stampy Longnose.

-Exactly.

-You're the perfect Diddy TV viewer.

You'll watch any old twaddle with a smile on your face.

I will, anything, anything at all. Even, I don't know, even...

-A perfume advert about water?

-Oh, I can't wait.

Oh, why can't they all be like him?

FLATULENCE

OPERATIC SINGING

Water by Norris Isaac Furneaux.

Because you smell perfect...

just the way you are.

Oof!

Literally just tap water, £75. Postage and packaging - £200.

Il fait tres brouillard aujourd'hui.

You're watching Diddy TV.

Why?

APPLAUSE

Greetings, greetings, greetings and welcome to Diddy Pops.

Tonight we have a very, very special treat.

Pounding the charts. Oh, I love this one.

Please make as much noise as you possibly can

for Diddy Dom & the Jitters.

APPLAUSE

# I sit and wait

# Does an angel

# Contemplate my fate?

# And do they know

# The places where we go

# When we're grey and old?

# Cos I have been told

# That salvation

# Lets their wings unfold

# So when I'm lying in my bed

# Thoughts running through my head

# And I feel that love is dead

# I'm loving angels instead

# And through it aa... #

No!

MOO!

Om-nom.

Next, Up Diddy Creek.

This is the most dangerous situation I've ever been in.

In this clearing is the most ferocious

and largest family of tigers in the world, so let's get a little closer.

TIGERS GROWL

The tigers are highly territorial and very, very grumpy.

The slightest sound could result in being eaten alive.

THEY CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY

-Ah-ah-ah...

-Oh, no!

-Ahh...

HE STOPS

-Ahh...

-HE STOPS

Tigers can hear the slightest sound up to a mile away.

I'm now going in to approach the alpha male in total silence.

-Argh!

-HIS SCREAM ECHOES

Argh...

Ahh...

TIGER GROWLS

PHONE RINGS

STAMPEDE APPROACHES

-Hello?

-HE SCREAMS

Now's not the best time to talk, Mother.

HE SCREAMS

And from tigers to dragons.

The entrepreneurs are back in the den, this time hoping to get

cash from the dragons for an intriguing new smartphone.

He-hem.

He-hem.

He-hem.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY

Hello, Diddy Dragons.

I'm Corn Flake and this is my business partner, Freddie Dweet.

Erm...

Erm.

-Muck!

-I'm doing it!

81% of people have missed a message on their phone

and 90% of people hate getting covered in muck.

So, presenting...

The iMuck.

The iMuck.

If hearing your phone is tricky, this will get you icky,

as Freddie will demonstrate.

PHONE VIBRATES

Now, if Freddie doesn't pick up the message within two seconds...

he gets a gentle reminder.

Sorry, just insy-winsy teething problems.

We're looking for 500,000 and our bus fares home.

JEERING

No wonder they didn't invest, look at the state of you.

Join us next time, when someone turns ordinary Wi-Fi

into a bar of soap.

-Oh, cool, I wish I had one of them.

-What?

A telephone that squirts muck in your eye?

Yeah, because I've already got a laptop that shoots fire and

a toaster that plays the national anthem. The trinity is complete.

-Amazing.

-Yeah.

HE HUMS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

Bing!

No, it's amazing you're still watching.

-Most people have switched off by now.

-How could they?

-I never want this to stop.

-You like it that much?

Well, no, you see, my mum said I have to de-gunk the fridge

when I get home, so I don't want it to end.

Bring it on.

Are you collecting them all? Well, answer me! Then, well done, you.

Because, guess what? We just found out girls have money too.

Introducing...

Soppy Fuffle, Wuv Monkey, Flutter Butter, Sparkle Pink, Pinky Bum.

They love you, they want to hug you, cuddle you

and spray rainbows from their mouths right into your face.

Crumby Trumpet, Shy Giggle,

Licky Kitty, Nibble Toes, don't collect them

because you have to, collect them because you want to and

because, if you don't, their hearts will break and they will die.

Mum, cash, now!

APPLAUSE

Yo, yo, yo!

Hey.

R&B MUSIC PLAYS

HE BELCHES ALONG TO THE MUSIC

CHEERING

CUCKOO CALLS

BELCHING CONTINUES

Three, two, one.

ELECTRONIC SPARKING

FIRE ALARM SOUNDS

Ooh-whee! Man, I just gots to try that again.

CHEERING

So, Stampy, what did you think of that?

That's my flagship show, that is -

competitive belching and swivel chairs.

I don't know why no-one's ever thought of it before.

-Well, it was great-ish, I suppose.

-Just great-ish?

But you're Stampy Longnose, you're enthusiastic about everything.

I feel a bit dizzy. I don't know what's happening to me.

All right, it was awful. I mean, really awful.

-Nobody wants to watch people belching.

-Stampy!

Or doctors electrocuting each other, or a singing dog.

-There hasn't been a singing dog.

-Well, there might as well have been.

This TV station should be shut down permanently.

If you excuse me, I have to go and de-gunk a fridge.

-But there must be something about it you like.

-Yeah, the end.

Well, they're coming for us now,

so once again time to destroy all the evidence and leg it.

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #