Let's Face the Music Diddy TV

# Larry Weinsteinberger the Diddy Movies boss

# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station

# Packed with creativity, style and innovation

# Diddy TV Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

Hello. I can't think of a better way to start than a big Hollywood movie,

which is why it's so disappointing to have to show this instead.

La-la-la! Emergency! Emergency!

THEY GRUNT

HE SCREAMS

New emergency! New emergency!

-Get it.

-DOG BARKS

Oi, give me that leg.

-Oi, give me that leg.

-DOG BARKS

-Oi, give me that leg.

-DOG BARKS

Give it here. Give it here!

Aha!

FANFARE

Right, now...

Not that one, not that one,

not that one... Oh!

(Oh.)

Aha! Right, now, sir,

you might feel a little scratch.

BANGING, MAN MOANS

-Ooh!

-Good as new.

Next!

How DO they make 24 seconds feel like a week?

More unsolved mysteries now in Crimediddy.

Right. Why-aye. Bye.

Haway. And naebody move.

Welcome to Crimediddy, with me,

Diddy Detective Inspector Harry Batt.

Now this week, we, the police - that's me -

need your help - that's you -

in tracking down a particularly sneaky furniture villain.

Let's take a look at this reconstruction of his latest attack.

This is Mildred.

She enjoys noting more than sitting in her favourite armchair

watching chocolate melt in the microwave.

DING!

Last Wednesday, Mildred nipped off for a cuppa.

Ooh!

Oh.

Let's see that again in slow-motion.

Not cos we need to - just cos it's funny, like.

LAUGHTER

Some of the more keen-eyed amongst you might have spotted

something missing there.

Take another look.

Before.

After.

That's right. Some cheeky gadgie has taken the chair.

Mildred managed to get a brief look at the suspect

and gave wor police artist a description,

from which we've made this Photofit.

Oh, man. That's the armchair, isn't it? Eh?

It's not the suspect.

Cannae get the staff.

Where's wor desk?!

LAUGHTER

I reckon this furniture thief is somewhere here in this studio.

RUSTLING

There he is!

Hey!

Aye, I recognise him from the Photofit.

And that's wor trolley an' all, man.

Right, come here.

You're under the influence of the law now, son.

You're nicked, so shut it.

Right. Now, remember -

crimes like this, where thieves dress up as armchairs,

are very, very rare indeed.

But if you divvent want to have nightmares

then the best way round that is never to gan to sleep.

So...

Stop it.

..until the next time,

mind how you gan.

GRUNTING

Great stuff, eh, Mr Stockholm?

Another criminal off the streets.

Mm, yes, well, I am relieved about that.

That's what we in the Neighbourhood Watch like to see, after all.

I knew you'd be pleased.

Mm, well, "pleased" is a bit strong, Mr Weinsteinberger,

but why am I here?

Well, that's a big question, Mr Stockholm.

-When two people who love each other very much...

-Oh, no, no, no.

I mean why am I here in this house with you, watching telly?

Well, you said you were in the Neighbourhood Watch?

-I am.

-Well, you're in my neighbourhood...

so...

watch.

HE LAUGHS

-Neighbourhood Watch!

-I got it.

On a cold, wet day...

..what could be better than a nice cup full of Diddy Tomato Ketchup?

Mm.

Tomato ketchup.

HOVIS ADVERT MUSIC

Mm!

Ketchup!

SLURPING

Ooh!

Tomato ketchup.

Mmmmm...

Ketchup!

Ooorgh!

Tomato ketchup!

Oo-o-o-oh...

Ketchup.

BELCH!

He's lovely.

Now the show that gives a new lease of life to classic old songs,

before burying them.

Greetings, greetings, greetings,

and welcome once more to Diddy Pops.

Tonight, a croon sensation. Cro-o-on.

Ladies, get ready to melt.

Performing live, it's Diddy Dom And The Jitters.

CHEERING

# There may be trouble ahead

# But while there's moonlight and music and love and romance

# Let's face the music and dance

# Before the fiddlers have fled

# Before they ask us to pay the bill

# And while we still have the chance

# Let's face the music and dance

# Soon we'll be without the moon

# Humming a different tune, and then

# There may be teardrops to shed

# So while there's moonlight and music and love and romance

# Let's face the music and... #

CRASH!

Now then, what's this?

'This is The Box.

'Got a problem with that?'

So, Raymond, the next game is for 50,000 sweetcorns.

HE MUNCHES LOUDLY

'Raymond, you must start a new toilet roll by picking

'the end of the loo paper free,

'without tearing it.'

Oooh!

Tricky!

Remember, you don't have to do it

but, if you don't,

I eat you.

Erm...could I simplify?

Have some of that.

Better?

OK, so, take on The Box.

CLUNK

LAUGHTER

Let's take another look at that,

embarrassingly slowly.

CLUNK

LAUGHTER

Well, that's all we've got time for today on...

The Box.

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Oh, it must be great being in the Neighbourhood Watch.

Mr Stockholm, imagine getting to watch shows like that all day,

-every day.

-Oh, imagine.

Mr Weinsteinberger, I think

you've got the wrong end of the stick there.

Not again. Last time that happened, I ended up wrestling a dog.

-I won.

-Hm. Well done, you.

But being in the Neighbourhood Watch doesn't mean

I sit around watching telly all day.

-Oh, then do you stand and watch telly instead?

-No!

Oh, that's a pity cos you're missing out on some great programmes,

just like this...

No-o-o-o.

Let's join today's two contestants getting ready

to take on a jungle trial.

Is that camera on us?

-No, no, really, is it on us? Yes?

-Yeah.

-Good. We're doing...

-All this for charity,

and not at all that we want to get famous again.

-Famous, what's famous?

-No idea.

Brian and Kirk, are you ready for your jungle trial?

Oh. I mean, do we have to?

You can pass the trial on...

-BOTH:

-No, no, no, no!

We'll do it, we'll do it.

Your jungle trial today is Facehugger.

Facehugger? Sounds scary.

-Think of all the followers.

-(Oh, yeah.)

To win your stars, you must let a flesh-eating spider

sit on your face for 20 seconds.

HE WHIMPERS

-Come on, then.

-Come on, then.

-On the face.

-Go on the face.

-On the nose.

Come, come, come, come.

Come on, spider. Down you poppy.

SCREAMING

SHRIEKING

Oh, this isn't going to get us trending, is it?

No, there's not even a scratch on us.

Oh, come on, you useless thing. We want to break the internet. Mwah.

SCREAMING AND CHEWING

It's eating my head!

I know, it's brilliant, isn't it?

SHRIEKING

That's all we've got time for today

on I'm Not A Celebrity, Get Me Into There.

Look, cameraman, do not zoom out on us.

Join us next time when the celebrities will poke

an angry lion with a stick to try and make it like them.

Oi, come back, its hairy leg's gone up me nostril.

Coming up next on Diddy TV, The Belch, but coming up right now,

The Trump.

PARP!

It's not always easy getting out,

getting around,

when you're old.

Even the simplest of tasks can seem like a challenge.

WIND HOWLS

That's why we need your help.

We can change this.

Just £5 will help us build a granny catapult.

Aargh!

And not just grannies -

grandads, and maiden aunts, too.

Waagh!

As the old proverb says,

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,

"but give a granny a catapult and watch her vanish into thin air."

So send £5, or whatever you can.

Thank you!

Now I've got this next show down as a talent programme.

Someone's got a sense of humour(!)

CHEERING

It's The Belch.

THEY BELCH A TUNE

CHEERING

CHEERING

HE JOINS IN THE BELCHING

CHEERING

THEY JOIN IN THE BELCHING

HE BEATBOXES

Woohoo! You girls is on fire.

CHEERING

You're going to be stars.

TOOT-TOOT

Hm.

I see you're enjoying yourself at last, Mr Stockholm.

Water cooler telly, eh?

The words you're looking for are "car crash telly",

Mr Weinsteinberger.

You haven't enjoyed a single show.

I don't know why you even bothered coming round here, Mr Stockholm.

I'm Neighbourhood Watch, Mr Weinsteinberger,

and someone reported a crime coming from this very house.

What? Where?

Coming out of your television.

Your shows are crimes against TV. I'm making a citizen's arrest.

-Of me?

-No, of your telly.

Mr TV, I'm arresting you on suspicion of pumping out guff

all day long.

You better come quietly.

PARP!

And that brings us all here at Diddy TV

another step closer to unemployment.

Goodbye.

# Diddy TV Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #