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He Ain't Heavy Diddy TV

He Ain't Heavy

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# Larry Weinsteinberger the Diddy Movies boss

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# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

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# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

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# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

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# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station

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# Packed with creativity, style and innovation

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# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

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# Channel 6597423

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# A brand-new rival for the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

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Welcome to the only Diddy TV channel in the entire world.

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I can't think why nobody else has done it.

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I'm Not A Celebrity Get Me Into There.

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It's the last day of the competition and the contestants

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Brian and Kirk are hoping to be crowned the winner.

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Oh, Kirk, it's nearly all over.

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I simply can't stand being on camera 24/7.

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GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

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Yeah, but, just remember why we're doing this.

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For charity?

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Oh, yes, that!

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I thought I was finished after the failure of my difficult first album.

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Yeah, I thought I was finished

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when they cancelled my reality TV show after just half an episode.

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Brian and Kirk, are you ready for your final jungle trial?

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Oh, do we have to?

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You are mean to us.

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Your jungle trial today is...

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Beast Feast.

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Rooaaarrr!

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Sounds nasty.

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Fingers crossed.

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To win your stars, you must eat all of the dishes in front of you.

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Dish one - spicy kangaroo feet!

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Is that it?!

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We had a family bucket of these this morning!

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Come on, we need more drama!

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We demand the worst, most disgusting,

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most slimy thing in this jungle right now!

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Roooaaarr!

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BOTH: Ewwww!

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-Think of the fame.

-See you in the middle, Brian.

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# I don't care if you're full

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-# Just eat it

-Eat it

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-# Eat it

-Eat it

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# Open up your mouth and feed it... #

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Oh, grubby-grub-grub.

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# Have a big dinner Have a wide snack

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# If you don't like it you can't send it back

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# Just eat it. #

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-Grim.

-But was that enough to make us properly famous?

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Ahhh...

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BOTH: Nothing!

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-Do you know what we should eat, Kirk?

-What?

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-Ourselves.

-Nice!

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-# Just eat it

-Eat it

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-# Eat it

-Eat it

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# Open up your mouth and feed it

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# Just eat it. #

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Mmm. My thigh was moreish.

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Oh, yes, tastes like chicken.

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Oh, eh, we must be really famous now.

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Let's check our phones again.

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THEY GROAN

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Brian and Kirk, congratulations on reaching the final.

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You're both disqualified for eating your own food.

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THEY MOAN

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And that's all we've got time for

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on I'm Not A Celebrity Get me Into There.

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Oi, where're you going?!

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Don't leave us! I'll eat his head.

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I'll eat his first.

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THEY MOAN

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Time now for some magic as we watch our viewing audience

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disappear into thin air.

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BOTH: Abracamazing!

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Yo, I'm Swagger.

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Yeah, and I'm Fitch and...

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BOTH: We do magik!

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Yeah, magic with a K.

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Yeah, cos we are street magicians, bruv.

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Out on the streets, representing where the real action is.

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Can we not do it indoors because it's flipping freezing here?

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No, we cannot do it indoors because then we'd be indoor magicians,

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not street magicians.

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Hey, dude! Dude, would you like to see a trick?

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Oh, all right, then.

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All right, simple, all you've got to do is pick a card.

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Look at it, yeah? Don't let us see.

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Now, holding on tight and...

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BOTH: Whoo!

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-It's gone.

-Gone.

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Wow, great trick.

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HE CHANTS MAGIC SPELL

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But what is this?

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Inside this ordinary banana is a key.

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A key, that unlocks this perfectly ordinary box.

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And inside that box is an ordinary pigeon.

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A pigeon that's a signal for that helicopter.

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-Yeah, yeah, which is airlifting down an ordinary mum.

-Mum?

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And on the side of the ordinary mum's ordinary bag is...

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Your card - the ace of clubs. Boom!

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BOTH: Abracamazing!

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Pretty cool, eh, dude!

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My card was the eight of clubs, not the ace.

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-Ahem. Excuse me. Bruv.

-Yeah?

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(You said the ace of clubs.)

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I whispered the eight of clubs. I thought we'd get away with it!

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We did not get away with it, bruv.

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Do you know how much the helicopter cost?

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-And them pigeons took three months to train.

-Sorry.

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Oh, don't worry. It's cool, dude.

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Yes, yes, it is cool, you see, because Fitch and me,

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we've got a plan B.

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-On the count of three.

-BOTH: One, two, three...

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The ace of clubs!

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BOTH: Abracamazing!

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LAUGHTER

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Stop laughing at us!

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We're respected.

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-People love me, bruv.

-Yeah.

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-Swagger.

-Yeah?

-Me bus pass is in me trousers.

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I love street magic, Eamonn.

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We don't have to pay for the studio.

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I don't know. It's a bit newfangled for my taste, Larry.

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You know, in my day magicians wore top hats,

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they had those twirly moustaches and they had those big opera capes -

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-classy, like.

-What are you on about?

-The good old days, you know?

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I know it's hard for young

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whippersnappers like you to believe.

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Eamonn, we're the same age, you and me!

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Don't you remember, we went to school together.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, we wore short trousers

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until we were 18, didn't we?

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And then I used to dip your pigtails in the inkwell, remember?!

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LARRY SIGHS

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Ah, the good old days!

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If you love music, then we've got the show for you.

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It's a shame we're not playing it. Instead it's...

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Greetings, greetings, greetings, and welcome once more to Diddypops.

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Tonight, we've got one of my all-time favourite bands

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playing one of my all-time favourite songs.

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Performing live, right here, right now it's

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Diddy Dom And The Jitters!

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Two, three, four...

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# The road is long

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# With a million winding turns

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# That leads us to who...

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# Knows where, who knows where

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# But I'm strong

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# Strong enough to care

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# He ain't heavy

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# He's my... #

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THEY SCREAM

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Told you.

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Now, if you wonder what we spend our money on, here's your answer -

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a box.

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This is The Box!

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OK, so, Raymond,

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for 100,000 sweetcorns,

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get the 5p piece

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out from the bottom of the bag.

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Will you take on...

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The Box?

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Erm, can I have a lifeline, please?

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Oh, a lifeline.

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OK, you can.

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Erm, can I shout, please?

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-Go ahead.

-Thank you.

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Ahem.

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Agghhhhrrhhh!

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Let's hope that helps. OK, Raymond, in your own time,

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take on The Box.

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Yes!

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You've made that look so easy!

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You've won 500,000 sweetcorns!

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Goodbye.

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APPLAUSE

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Hello?

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Hello?!

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I'm still in The Box.

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Don't worry, Eamonn, we get the 5p off him before he leaves.

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Of course in my day, 5p was a lot of money.

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Oh, here we go!

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Well, you could catch a moving picture at the Palladium,

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you could have a slap-up feed at the all-night whelk stall

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and still, still, have a halfpenny left over for a Zeppelin ride home.

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-When was this exactly?

-Last Thursday.

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There was a coupon in the paper.

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(Hello, I'm still in The Box.)

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All right? I'm the Pearly Chimp and have I got a card for you?

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Course I have. Bosh!

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# Cards by Pearly Chimp Cards by Pearly Chimp

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# Cards by, cards by cards by Pearly Chimp. #

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Say whatever you want, to whoever you want, with Pearly Chimp.

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Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

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# Make up a day

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# I don't care

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# Whatever you want to say I'll be there

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# Cards by Pearly Chimp Cards by Pearly Chimp

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# Cards by, cards by, cards by Pearly Chimp... #

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Nothing says I love you

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like a cobbled-together

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monstrosity you've made yourself. Get in!

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# We, we're going to show the world

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# Everything we're made of

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# We're going to tear the roof off this place. #

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What's the Tatty Tutu?

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Only the hippest dance studio in the whole of NYC.

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Why's it the hippest?

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Mainly thanks to me.

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Welcome back to the Tatty Tutu.

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Seal clap!

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THEY CLAP LIKE SEALS

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That's Dexter, he runs the place.

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The seal clap's our thang.

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OK, ready to win some regionals?

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THEY CLAP LIKE SEALS

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You guys would just seal clap and whoop and cheer

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everything I'd say, wouldn't you?

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THEY CLAP LIKE SEALS

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Hi, are the additions in here?

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THEY GIGGLE

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So we're, like, all ready to dance

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and then this guy walks in and I'm like,

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"Who's this loser?"

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What's your name?

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Oh, I'm Rad. Rad Radley Radisson.

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Well, Rad Radley Radisson, you're in the right place!

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FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

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Or maybe you ain't.

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Maybe you're in the wrong place.

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Let's see what you got.

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Awesome!

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FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

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Arrggghhh!

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Still reckon you've got what it takes?

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BIRDIE SONG PLAYS

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HE BREAKS WIND

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THEY SCREAM

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Welcome to the team!

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Wow, I've never seen moves that fresh.

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Take it, it's free-range.

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Awesome!

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Next time on The Next Diddy,

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will Rad ever get into his dancing shoes?

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Mum!

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Will Chuck ever get out of his dressing room?

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Mum!

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And what happens when Courtney's egg hatches?

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Arrrgghhh!

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HEN CLUCKS

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You know, I remember sitting on this very sofa with you

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watching Street Magic on TV.

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That was just now.

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You're having nostalgia for ten minutes ago.

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I remember you telling me I was having nostalgia for

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ten minutes ago like it was only yesterday.

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You're having nostalgia for right now!

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I tell you, that is nothing, lad.

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I remember when this show came to an abrupt end in five seconds' time.

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Now you're having nostalgia for something that hasn't happened yet!

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Ohh!

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And that's another day of Diddy programmes -

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or exhibit B, as the court will call it.

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# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

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# Channel 6597423

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# A brand-new rival for the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

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# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

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