Saturday Night Suit Diddy TV


Saturday Night Suit

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# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies boss

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# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

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# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

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# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

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# But Larry's bottom dollar, he's launched a TV station

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# Packed with creativity, style and innovation

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# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

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# Channel 6597423

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# A brand-new rival for the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

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Hello. Blackmail is an ugly word,

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but it's, nevertheless, the right one

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if you're wondering why we make The Dom Show.

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# Dom, Dom, Dom. #

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Hello, and welcome to The Dom Show. MUFFLED SHOUTING

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The inexplicably popular show all about Dom.

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-Unfortunately, Dom can't be here today...

-I'm here.

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-I'm here!

-Shut up!

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So I'll be taking his place.

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Come to think of it, let's make a few changes around here.

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# Dick, Dick, Dick! #

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Hello, and welcome to The Dick Show.

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Later on, I'll be staring at my own reflection in the mirror.

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MUFFLED SHOUTING Shut up!

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Anyway, now, it's over to me to see

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some of my favourite dance moves.

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# Dick, Dick, Dick! #

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# Oh-what-wow

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# He's the greatest dancer... #

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What are you doing with my show?

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Here, you, go away. You weren't here.

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Oh, yeah. That's cos someone tied me up and stuck me

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-down the back of the sofa!

-How very rude of whoever that was.

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Anyway, you're too late.

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It's my show now, so sling your hook.

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Ooh, we'll see about that.

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Hi, and welcome to The Dom Show.

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# Dom... #

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Hi, and welcome to The Dick Show.

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# Dick...! #

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That's all we've got time for on The Nan Show this week.

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See you next time.

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# Nan! Nan! Nan! #

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BOTH: Shut up!

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What?

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Oh.

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It's time for Deadly Diddy 60.

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Hi, I'm Dick Fearless and this is Deadly Diddy 60

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where I find 60 of the most scariest animals in the world

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and wiggle them in your eyes.

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I'm so fearless, I snog scorpions.

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CRUNCH! Get it off! Get it off!

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Get it off!

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SHE SCREAMS

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Thanks, Julie.

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What's wrong with her?

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Oh, it's the deadly animal thing again, isn't it?

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Deadly Diddy 60.

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-What number are you one now?

-32.

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Right, nearly halfway there. I get how it works.

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I put my hand in the box

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and there's a dangerous animal inside like a poisonous badger

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or a nuclear lizard,

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and then I end up getting bitten, sprayed or glowing green.

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Right, come on. Let's get on with it.

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SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

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Ah!

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Urgh!

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What's that?

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That's my lunch, Dom.

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-Cauliflower curry.

-Cauliflower...

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SNAP! HE SCREAMS

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And a mousetrap.

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Why do you keep a mousetrap in your lunchbox?!

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Because I don't want anyone stealing it.

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Hey, where's the animal?

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There.

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-LOUD ROAR

-Ah!

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What...is that?

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That is a tiger hedgehog.

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A giant tiger hedgehog!

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-Ooh, it's prickly, Dick.

-Yeah.

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That's why you'll need to strap this on before you ride it.

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Ride it?! You ride it.

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I can't ride it, I'm scared of heights.

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Now, off you go.

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Use a stepladder.

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ROARING AND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS Oh, yeah.

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That's it, ride him, Dom.

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How do I make it stop?

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Milk him! Milk him!

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Mmm, oh! Fresh from the hedgehog.

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Until next time, dare to be scared.

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That show is an education, hey, Stampy?

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Although, of course, I know loads about hedgehogs already.

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Me, too. Spending all my time on the internet means I pick up

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loads of fun facts about everything hedgehog.

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Known in folk tales as the hotchi-witchi,

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the collective noun is an array or a prickle of hedgehogs

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and a baby hedgehog is called a hoglet.

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Right...

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But my favourite fun hedgehog fact is that a traditional

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remedy for earache was to pour melted hedgehog fat into your ears!

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Well, yes, I mean, everyone knows that.

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What's your favourite hedgehog fact, Larry?

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Um...my favourite fun hedgehog fact

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is that if you pop little cubes of cheese onto their spines

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you get a party snack that serves itself.

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Oh, I never knew that, Larry.

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Well, the internet doesn't know everything.

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The intense new mobile game that's completely free to play!

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Download it for free.

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Open it for free.

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Start playing it for free.

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-Scissors.

-Paper.

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Scissors cut paper. You lose!

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Oh!

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Upgrade your warrior!

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Upgrade of warrior requires additional payment of actual money.

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Upgrade your weapons!

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Upgrading weapons requires additional payment of actual money.

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Upgrade your powers!

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Upgrading powers requires additional payment of actual money.

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Lots of money, lots of money.

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If only I had a rock.

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Paper and scissors are free.

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Unlocking rocks requires additional payment of actual money.

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-I have a rock!

-Battle Of War!

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Totally free to play.

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Incredibly expensive to win.

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APPLAUSE

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Greetings, greetings, greetings.

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And welcome to Diddypops.

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Tonight, a rare treat.

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Back from their international sell-out tour,

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it's Diddy Dom And The Jitter Band!

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THEY PLAY UPBEAT MUSIC

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HE SCREAMS

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HE SOBS

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Mm.

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Well, time now to sharpen up your brain skills by avoiding this.

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THEME TUNE PLAYS

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APPLAUSE

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Hello...I'm Nick Fewer.

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Welcome to...Diddydown.

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Today we're joined by...Diddy Dick and Diddy Dom.

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So, Diddy Dick, if you'd like to...

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get us started.

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Consonant, consonant, vowel, vowel,

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-consonant, consonant, vowel, consonant, consonant.

-Right.

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Your 30 seconds starts...

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now.

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TIME-UP MUSIC PLAYS

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That was quick!

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So, Diddy Dom. What have you got?

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Nine.

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Nine. And Diddy Dick.

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Nine.

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So, Diddy Dom, what's your nine?

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What does that mean?

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It's the act

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of milking a tortoise.

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Right...

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and Diddy Dick.

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Means to eat a pen lid.

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Right, I think...

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Let's just confirm this with Dictionary Corner.

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Ooh, um...

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"Faufbjelk" with a silent B means to lasso a pig.

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And "faufbjelk" with a silent F

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is the act of milking a tortoise with a pen lid.

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Mm.

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There's another nine-letter word.

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It means, in your face, Nick!

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Yeah, Nick.

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Right, well, here's...

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today's conundrum.

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Goodbye.

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APPLAUSE

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I do love the conundrum.

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Everyone likes a good anagram, hey?

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Oh, yes.

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Although, obviously, it's worth remembering

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the difference between an anagram and an antigram.

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Oh, obviously!

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Uh...remind me.

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In a true anagram,

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the rearranged letters spell out

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the definition of the original word or phrase.

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So a true anagram of 'punishment' is 'nine thumps'.

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Uh...

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But an anti-gram means the exact opposite of the original,

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so an antigram of 'funeral' is 'real fun'.

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Couldn't have said it better myself.

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Did you get that off the internet, too, Stampy?

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What's your favourite anagram, Larry?

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Oh... Um...

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Diddy is an anagram of...

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ididy...

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I never knew that, Larry.

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Care for some sausage?

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UPBEAT THEME MUSIC PLAYS

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Previously on The Next Diddy...

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Rad trained to be a fireman.

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Out of my way.

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Chelsea learnt to play the spoons.

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And Chuck ate a cheese and ham bagel.

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Why does this matter?

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It doesn't. Let's dance.

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# Awesome. #

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OK, everyone. Seal clap.

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THEY IMITATE SEALS

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OK, so, today we're going to practise love duets.

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-ALL:

-Whoop! Whoop!

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Guys!

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Seriously, with the whooping.

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I haven't even finished my sentence yet.

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OK, Courtney, you're up.

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And so is...

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..Rad.

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What?!

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There is no way this is happening!

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He's only been in the troupe for five seconds.

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He's taken my place and now he's taken my girl.

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It is on!

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# Awesome! #

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Hey, Rad.

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-Props on getting the dance, dude.

-Seriously?

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Are you sure you don't mind?

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Hey, she's only my girlfriend and everything.

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I mean, why would I mind?

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Hey, can I, uh, show you something in here?

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Sure.

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LAUGHS

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How are you going to dance with my girl now

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you're locked in the toilet?

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Uh, Chad? Chad?

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You kind of closed the door on me there, buddy.

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Has anybody seen Rad?

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Uh, Chad, the door's locked.

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Well, I guess you're up next, Chuck.

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Let's dance!

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# Baby, you're a firework

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# Come on, let your colours burst

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# Make them go, "Ah, ah, ah..." #

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SHE SCREAMS

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# Ah, ah, ah! #

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-BANGING

-Help! Can anybody hear me?

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CLOCK TICKS

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SCREAMING APPROACHES

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THEY CHEER

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No!

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It's OK, I got you.

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My hero!

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It is on!

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Next time on The Next Diddy,

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romance blossoms between Rad and Courtney.

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And Chuck has another bagel.

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Seriously, guys, this so doesn't matter.

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# Awesome! #

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The Diddy Step is sponsored by Cat Spandex.

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The Spandex that really scratches.

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-Cats are fascinating creatures, aren't they, Larry?

-Here we go.

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More internet facts, hey?

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Did you know most female cats are right pawed

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and most male cats are left pawed!

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No, I didn't know that.

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Or that weight for weight,

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-cats' whiskers are stronger than tensile steel?

-No!

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Or that cats are the only creatures that are able to

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breathe in the vacuum of space.

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No, I... Wait a minute.

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Are you making these up?

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Doh!

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Well, that's the most important fact to remember about the internet.

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Don't believe everything you read on it.

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And finally, infinite television showing the names of people

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who can't get proper jobs.

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# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

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# Channel 6597423

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# A brand-new rival for the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

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# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

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