Spar-Master Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions

# We've got a television show of our own

# Making stuff that's been designed by you lot at home

# Building your inventions the best that we can

# Mostly out of rubbish from the back of our van

# We've even got a title that'll grab your attention

# All together now!

# Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions! #

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-You can smell fire?

-Di.

-Oh, no, you're right... fire!

-Oh!

Don't worry, thanks to my

BBC fire warden training I know exactly what to do.

-Stay here.

-OK.

Don't thank me, thank the good people at BBC fire training...

-..or not!

-Yeaarrghh!

Run!

Come back here!

Some people are so ungrateful, I just saved his life!

-Come on, drive!

-I'm going to drive, I'm just trying to find an invention

that's near here.

Billy in West Yorkshire, yeah, that'll do.

You, get back here!

Come back here now!

What do you think you're doing?

Billy, open up, I'm sorry, this is supposed to be a surprise,

-but there's an angry man after us...

-Surprise!

So, Billy, William...

Bill, me old mate. No, not Geoffrey,

his name's not Geoffrey, so, we're here to make your Spar Master, yes?

Your karate practice machine. Are you good at karate?

Yeah, I'm a black belt.

You don't need this then, do you?

Yes, it's only to practice.

Oh, yes, very good. Practice makes perfect.

We need to find out what your invention needs to do, so,

I just want you to put on this, the Brainstorm Helmet, look into

my eyes and tell me, why do you want to invent the Spar Master?

I want to invent the Spar Master,

a karate training machine to practice on.

I'd like my little brother Sam to control it,

and I'd like it to score me on how well I'm doing.

I'd like it to have an ice cream compartment,

so that I can eat ice cream as a treat afterwards.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, ice cream.

That's something we do know about. We know all about ice cream.

I think we can do this invention, no problem,

so don't you worry, we'll get on to it right away.

-Well, go on, then.

-Yeah, all right, there's no rush, is there?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I don't think we should go, cos that bloke might still be there.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I'm not scared! No, I just thought that poor little Billy might be.

You're forgetting, I'm a black belt.

If you make my Spar Master, then I'll protect you.

You will? I mean, thank you, that won't be necessary,

but perhaps you could see us to the end of the drive, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Oh, good. You first.

-Hiyy-yo!

-Yeah, I think you're fighting a lost cause there.

-Uh?

-We need to build this Spar Master,

otherwise the angry man will make mincemeat out of us.

-Oh, di.

-Maybe you know how to build one?

-Erm...

-Nos.

-Yeah. Once again, you pull through for me, right. Plan B.

I'll use the internet.

508, 509, 510, 511...

COMPUTER BEEPS

515. Hello, the internet speaking.

Forgotten how to use a dictionary?

-Er, No.

-No.

Tried asking your dad? Is your wife around?

What? I haven't got a wife.

-I need some information.

-Of course you do.

Well, I'm tired of answering people's ridiculous questions.

Can't you make an exception, just this once?

OK, go on, get on with it.

Good. Basically, we're making this thing called a Spar Master.

It's a karate practice machine and we need to make it move.

-Have you got any ideas?

-Yes. You could use air.

COMPUTER WHIRS

Air? This is pointless!

Air is made up of lots of particles,

all moving about next to each other.

When you get a gust of wind,

that's the air whizzing past your face.

I'm not sure he knows what he's on about, but I'll write this down.

I mean, air, to make the Spar Master move, yeah, come on!

If a container is full of air,

and you add more, this pushes the particles closer together.

-This puts pressure on the walls of the container.

-Right.

-Imagine a beach ball.

-Yeah, beach ball, yeah, yeah.

When you blow one up,

you add more air. The more air you put in,

the firmer the walls become.

So, the higher the pressure, the firmer the ball. Got it?

-OK. Thanks, The Internet.

-Bye.

I don't know why I bother! You phone me up whenever you want,

I'm busy doing experiments, you never listen to what I say.

Oh, sorry, I'm losing you.

ED MAKES STATIC BUZZING

I can still see you!

What? Oh...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the internet is rubbish...

-it will never catch on.

-Oh, oh, Ed!

It just kept going on about air pressure, I mean, what good's that?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Oh, we can make the Spar Master inflatable?

-Di.

That's quite a good idea actually, yes, well done, yes.

Right, what do we need, what do we need?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

All this talking about karate

has reminded you about when you invented it?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

When you were a chef? In Japan?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Why do I keep repeating everything you say?

-Di.

I'm just trying to delay the inevitable, really.

Go on, tell your little story.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Ah, sorry, Oucho-San, you know, Oucho-San, you must chop vegetables,

or you'll be in big trouble with big boss, Gordon Ramsay, he's so mean.

-Di.

-But Oucho-San, you have no knife here.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-You'll do it yourself?

-Di.

Nah!

Wow, Oucho-San, that is very good.

-What is that?

-Carroty.

Karate? Well, I will tell my friends of you, Oucho-San,

you and your karate-chopping.

OUCHO SNEEZES

Karate, hoya!

Now, with my terrible Japanese accent and new-found karate skills,

I will finally be able to perfect my signature dish,

raw fish wrapped in rice.

OUCHO SNEEZES

Bless you!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

So you invented the karate chop when you were chopping carrots,

and you said "carroty" and they thought you said "karate"?

-Di.

-And you invented the word for sushi as well?

-No di.

Oucho, what have I told you about word-based comedy misunderstandings

involving stereotypes?

That they end in letters like this.

"Dear Oucho, your story was a lie."

-It was a total lie, wasn't it?

-Di.

Now, what would you like to say to people at home?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Shall we just get on and do some inventing?

OUCHO BLOWS A RASPBERRY

I'll take that as a yes.

Billy forward, forward, forward, forward, forward, stop.

Now we've been working really, really hard

to make your dreams become a reality,

-so, right before your very eyes, here is your Spar Master.

-Ta-da!

We've decorated it to make it look like the man that's chasing us,

and we've used the power of air; it's inflatable.

Go on, lay into him, go on, give him the what for! Oh, yes!

Oh, imagine that was him!

Oh, great, you see, take that, take that, angry man!

-Good stuff! What do you think?

-Oh, di.

-I love it!

-Oh, that's not the reaction we're used to

at this point in the show. Great!

Oh, wait no, I hate it!

Oh, that's more like it!

There's no ice cream, and where's the scoreboard?

I'll consult Oucho for a second.

We haven't got away with it. We'll have to do some work.

There you are!

Oh, hello there, moody!

Hello there, angry man.

I've been looking for you two everywhere.

-What's this?

-It's my Spar Master.

-Is this supposed to be me?

-No!

Then why does it say on it "Really ugly man that's chasing us"!

It does? Oh, yes...

Would you believe it, there's another really ugly man chasing us,

not that you're ugly, obviously.

Have you ever considered a career in modelling?

This is me. Who drew this?

-Er, Billy.

-It wasn't me!

Yes, it was you, you naughty boy, and Billy does karate.

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yes, he's a black belt.

So why does it say "drawn by Ed Petrie"?

It says here...

HE WHISPERS IN CACTINIAN

Run? Er yes! Run!

Well, that didn't go very well.

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-And my Spar Master didn't work!

-Oh, yeah, you're right...

I forgot about the Spar Master being a disaster as well.

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, you can say that again!

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yes, I know we need to get the Spar Master moving properly.

Do you enjoy stating the obvious?

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I do not have a face like a horse!

OUCHO NEIGHS

-Guy, shush!

-A horse goes neigh!

-Shut up! Shut up!

-No, I'm not a horse!

-Shut up!

-All right, Billy. What, are you going to do some karate on me?

All right, I'm sorry! It's just this angry man means business.

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yes, oh, that would be the perfect thing to do right now...

listen to Dolly FM. Yes, I'd love to do that.

RADIO PLAYS MUSIC

'That song was dedicated to Oucho T Cactus,

'a big Dolly Parton fan who has terrible trouble

'with an annoying horse-faced friend who drives a pink car.'

-I do not!

-Shush!

And now, time for some ads.

Sorry, sorry.

'Yee-ha! It's Billy Drill Bit here, the cowboy builder.

'Need a left-handed screwdriver?

'I'm your cowboy. Need a pneumatic drill? Guess what?

'I'm your cowboy and my pneumatic drills move using only the best air.

'Remember my motto, cowboys... "Doing it without Billy is just darn..."'

I'm sorry, Oucho, that guy is really annoying.

-Why don't we use pneumatics to build the Spar Master?

-What?

Billy Drill Bit says his pneumatic drills work by air

and we need air to move the Spar Master.

Oh, yeah, pneumatics, brilliant!

Actually we were thinking along those lines, actually.

Although actually we've got some very hard building business to do,

so probably best that a karate child like you pops off.

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, see you later.

Great, I can't wait. See you later.

Bye!

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, Billy is happy, isn't he?

I mean he won't be when he finds out we don't know what pneumatics are...

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

We'd better ask someone.

Yee-ha, howdy, partners, what can I do you for?

You looking for a lightweight screwdriver or a small hammer?

-Looks like you'd need it!

-Actually, I'm quite a dab hand at DIY.

No, we just want to know about your pneumatic drills.

You want to buy a pneumatic drill? You're in the right place.

We just wanna know how they work.

Well, OK, partner, you asked for it.

Them pneumatic drills move using air pressure.

They've got cylinders and pistons inside.

In the cylinder is high pressure air -

that means there's lots of air squeezed in and all the

air molecules are pressing against each other creating lots of force.

The higher the air pressure, the more force that's created.

It's like bulls in a rodeo pen.

The more bulls are in there, the more they want to push their way out.

OK, OK, I think we've got that bit.

When we release the piston, the force of the air

pushes the piston along the cylinder.

Because that air is under high pressure,

the force is really powerful, powerful enough to break concrete!

Good, good.

Now we just need to work out where we can get one

so we can use bits in the Spar Master, Oucho.

-Er, Ed.

-What?

Well, howdy there, partners.

Now if you're looking for a pneumatic drill

then they don't get more pneumatic

than Billy Drill Bit's pneumatic drills and remember my motto,

"Doing it without Billy is just darn silly!"

OK, OK, all right. There you go.

It's time we got building. Let's get Billy.

Billy? What his?

No, not him, no, no, no, Billy the kid.

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

No, not the American outlaw, Billy the Kidd,

Billy, the kid who designed the Spar Master that we're building.

-Oh, dee.

-Yeah, that's right, Captain Cranium.

Come on, let's go!

Nice work-out.

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Sorry, Master Oucho. Let's test it out on the karate one.

Billy!

Look, look how your Spar Master is coming on!

We've added pneumatics to make it move.

-Why's he making that noise?

-He wants to be called Master Oucho now.

-It's bit annoying, actually, isn't it?

-Yeah.

OUCHO BABBLES

OUCH IS SILENT

That's much better.

Now, it's very important your Spar Master works

otherwise you won't be able to practise your karate

and protect us from the angry man.

So we're going to test it on a melon.

Then we'll test it out on you, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Ready?

-Yep.

Right, let's see what this can do.

Whoa! It's a good job that wasn't your head!

-Are you all right?

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

OUCHO IS SILENT

OUCHO BABBLES IN CACTINIAN

What? Well, we can get plenty of other melons!

That was awful. It was even worse than the first one!

Yeah, it was awful! Why didn't we test it on the angry man?

Well, it wasn't the worst thing that's happened all week.

-No, no, no.

-Let's not talk about that again, though.

I'll never get those stains out.

Do you think you'll ever be able to make the Spar Master for me?

Oh, Billy, don't worry about that.

It's like you haven't got any faith in us!

Imagine that!

Well, it isn't moving properly and there's no sign of the ice cream

-or score board.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, don't worry about that, that's all in hand. You are taking

-care of the score system and the ice cream?

-Oh, dee.

-Really?

Oh, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee.

You're not going to leave it to the last minute

and then go and borrow them from someone?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-You're offended?

-Dee.

Well, you do do that sometimes.

-Wah?

-Yes, you do, yes.

-Really?

-Yes.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

OK, thanks mate. I'm sorry I doubted you.

Don't you worry, Billy, this Spar Master

is going to be fantastic, it's very important to us.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

If we don't make the Spar Master, you can't practise.

-And then that man with extreme anger issues will be after us.

-Dee.

And obviously we care very deeply about making you happy.

I mean that's obviously the most important thing.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Yes, yes, so let's have a think.

What went wrong?

-I've got it!

-Uh?

The pneumatics in the arm were too strong.

The pneumatics are too strong?

Are you sure you can't just leave them as they are?

-No way, they'd knock me out!

-All right, OK, so the pneumatics are

too strong so we need to make the pneumatics less strong.

Oh, why did I ever leave Rustington?

Life was simple in Rustington. There's no science in Rustington.

We'll probably get this wrong and then the angry man will get us

and then we'll probably get the sack

and that's a bit of a recurring theme in this programme!

Calm down, calm down, calm down! Ed, Eddie.

No.

No, Oucho, I don't think a nice cup of tea is good enough.

-Uh?

-I think what I need is...

-a coffee!

-Noooooo!

Yes, yes, Oucho, a coffee it be!

Hi, what can I get you?

I'll have a latte, please.

Ha, ha, ha! A latte?!

Yeah, a latte. What's so funny about that?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-It

-IS

-manly. Men drink lattes.

Aw! Your friend is so cute! I love cacti!

Hello! Oi!

So, do you know a lot about coffee?

OUCHO LAUGHS

I'm just trying to make conversation.

Sorry, I must apologise for my companion.

He's very rude. Hasn't got a lot of friends, very bad breath.

It's put many a person off their biscuits!

Thank you.

Urgh! How did you do that?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Make this go back up, now!

-Nos!

He just pressed the lever and the chair pneumatics did the rest.

Get off, press the lever and the chair will come back up.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

-Ha ha ha!

-Sorry, did you say that was pneumatics?

Yes, simple pneumatics.

Yeah. I don't mean to be rude, but I know a bit about pneumatics

and if this chair is using pneumatics,

that I would have gone up through the ceiling.

No it wouldn't! It's pneumatics!

I think I know, and it isn't.

And I think I know, and it is.

-It isn't!

-Is!

-Isn't!

-Is!

-Isn't!

-Is!

-Isn't!

-Is!

-No, she's not right.

I am right. Force is controlled by the air pressure. Watch this.

With this balloon, the higher pressure,

the greater the force.

With this...

the lower the pressure, the lower the force.

That chair uses lower air pressure so that it moves with less force.

-Aah, right.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Pardon?

-You need me now, don't you, to translate?

-Come off.

-Yeah.

He said how come you know that?

-How rude! Can't a woman that works in a caff know about science?

-Nos.

-I'm gonna get my boyfriend to have a word with you.

-Huh?

In fact...here he is now.

-There you are!

-Run!

Get out!

What are you hyperventilating for, I was the one doing the running?!

-Oh, dee.

-We may have run into that scary,

angry man again but at least we've found out that our pneumatic arm

-had air pressure that was too high.

-Oh, dee...

Yeah, we need to find out how much pressure to use.

What we need is an air pressure testing machine.

-Lavas to mut.

-Leave it to you?

-Dee.

-Oh, great!

What about that scoring system and the ice cream?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

You're a super cactus today!

-I knows!

-Oh, by the way, what happened to your karate outfit

and calling yourself Master Oucho?

Wha?

You're not gonna need me when you've got your machine?

-Nope!

-Ooh, talking of machines, someone's been a busy boy!

-Oh, dee.

Where did you get that from, your dodgy mate Terry, I suppose?

Nos, nos, nos.

Who did you get it from, then?

-Terry's wife?

-Hm.

-What's she called?

-Too-oo-oo-oo-oo-ri.

-Terry?

How does it work then?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

So we've got a baby arm here,

a granny arm and a sailor's arm.

-Right, so each pneumatic arm has a different air pressure.

-Dee.

-OK, and the higher the air pressure the stronger the arm?

-Dee.

-So we need to find the best strength for your Spar Master?

-Yep.

Oh, and Oucho's laid on lunch!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

They're testing on.

It's not a very healthy lunch is it, custard pies?

-Nos.

-OK, let's get testing.

Where shall we start?

-Low pressure.

-OK.

That's the baby arm.

-Hardly made a dent in it!

-Rubbish!

-Which one shall we do next?

-Medium air pressure.

That's the granny arm.

-A lot better!

-Do you think that might be what you're after?

-Mmm, maybe.

-Well, let's hold off until we've seen the sailor's arm.

I think this could be good.

Here we go, sailor's arm, very high pressure.

-Oooh wow!

-What do you think of it?

You could knock me into next week!

I could definitely knock you into next week!

What would be the best for your Spar Master?

-I think the granny arm.

-Yeah?

-Why's that?

-Because it's what I'm used to, not too powerful.

-When you're sparring with other people?

-Yep.

Medium air pressure it is. By the way,

have you sorted the scoring system and the ice cream?

Oh, dee dee, Ed. Dee...

Excellent! It's all coming together.

Does anyone fancy a snack?

# This week I soaked an angry man which was silly

# So we legged it to Yorkshire for protection from Billy

# We said we'd make his Spar Master machine

# So he could practise his karate and then eat ice cream

# The internet told us all about air pressure

# How tiny particles can get all pushed together

# Our first attempt proved anti-climactic

# Billy filled us in on the subject of pneumatics

# Cylinders

# Pistons

# Extreme high pressure

# Cos this is what we need, you betcha!

# We set ourselves up with a pneumatic arm

# It had such immense power it caused serious harm

# Went for a coffee, we were at a dead end

# I managed to upset the angry bloke's girlfriend

# But not before we'd witnessed her pneumatic seat

# Could this inspire us to snatch victory from defeat?

# It used lower air pressure, that was a surprise,

# We tested once again, smashed some lovely pies

# Oh, Spar

# Master

-# There's no way it can fail

-Oh, no

# But let's not forget, no, let's not forget,

# There's one angry bloke on our tail!

# Dee, dee, dee! #

So, Billy, this is the big finale. How are you feeling?

-Dee.

-Surprised!

-You didn't think we could pull it off?

-Yep!

-Well, we did!

-Dee.

Billy asked us to build him a karate practice machine

-called the Spar Master, which was good for us.

-Yah.

-Well, shall we show everyone at home?

-Yep!

-Here it is!

-Ta-da!

-No, that's not it! Did you think that was it?

-No, no!

If you thought that, you're an idiot! Here it is!

Pretty professional job, I think you'll agree!

All we need now is someone to operate it.

-That will be my brother, Sam.

-Sam!

-Are you ready to operate Billy's Spar Master?

-Yeah.

Great. You'll need these, mate.

Let's go!

-Nice on, Billy!

-Oh, dee!

Nice kick!

This kid has got skills!

-He'll definitely be able to protect us from the angry man now!

-Dee.

-Nice controlling, Sam.

-Dee.

So Billy, how was sparring with the Spar Master?

-Dee!

-Great!

-Why's that?

Because it was really realistic.

Yeah it was, wasn't it? And you got a good score.

-Wow!

-Where did you get that scoreboard from?

-Internet? Aah, very resourceful.

-Ice cream!

-Have you got any ice cream left?

-No!

-Wha?

-You've scoffed it?

-Wha?! Oh, nos!

We turn our back for five minutes and you've scoffed the lot!

-Oh, raaa!

-Oh, thank you very much(!)

Where did you get the ice cream in the fridge?

You borrowed it from the coffee shop?

-Um, dee.

-When you say "borrowed", do they actually know you've got it?

-Er... nos.

-I mean you say coffee shop, do you mean the coffee shop

the angry man's girlfriend works in?

-Dee.

-The angry man that's after us, and I don't mean he wants

-to take us out on a romantic meal?

-Dee.

-The angry man that's rapidly approaching us right now?

-Dee!

I've got you at last! Sam, Sam!

-Thanks, Sam! Thanks, Billy!

-Dee!

I still don't know why that bloke was so angry with us!

He should have thanked us for putting out that fire

and basically saving his life.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

You've never been more right, Oucho, he was a horrible man!

Yes, well that's going a bit far, but anyway,

-at least we'll never have to see him again!

-Dee.

-Oh, Ed, look.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I know you love fire-eaters.

You're very well-known for it.

Shall we go and have a look? It will be a nice end to the show.

-Oh, dee.

-Not you two again!

Come back here, come back here!

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