Beautiful Game Eve

-It's not my fault.

-You're supposed to be protecting Eve.

-Am I in danger?

-No.

-You're a robogirl.

You took a miracle of artificial life

and turned it into a domestic appliance.

Uploading protocol 0.

KNOCKING Go away, Abe.

The Wi-Fi's down. I can't get online.

Get out.

Oh, come on.

I've got to update the odds on my betting site.

Can you just...hack into one of the neighbours' networks?

Pretty please.

-Fine.

-Yes!

TABLET BLEEPS

That's weird.

What?

I've never seen a network like this before.

It won't let you in?

It will let me in, just doesn't know it yet.

This is impossible.

Get me Teddy.

It's using every channel and frequency

and blocking out every other signal.

No way.

Mystery router.

It is so on.

HE SQUEALS

Have you located a threat?

Yes! You. Don't do that.

Do what?

Nothing. You just made me jump, that's all.

Analysing audiological reconstruction.

-There's no need to do that.

-Analysis complete.

Severe danger level indicated by decibels and unnaturally high pitch.

What do you mean, unnaturally high pitched?

The hazard must be located and neutralised.

It will be. Just let me get some clothes on.

Eve, you might want to just stay down here cos I need some privacy.

Erm, I can't do this in front of you.

Is it because I'm not a real girl?

No.

It's because you ARE a girl and I'm a boy.

What is the significance of this?

Seriously, you, you want to have that talk, right now?

OK.

So every human comes in one of two standard models.

These are established at the time of manufacture.

Birth, yes.

Will you always be a boy?

Erm... Yes. Yes.

Will I always be a girl?

Erm, well, I suppose you're not really a girl anyway, so...

You said I was.

But you look like one.

Question, what are the visual differences between the two

standard human formats?

HE SPLUTTERS AND STUMBLES

-Hey, guys.

-Oh, Lily.

Lily.

Eve, Lily's here so you can go to the mall.

-Sorry, I can't go now.

-What? But you promised.

Chris is coming round later to watch the game.

Well, something came up.

Last night, I found this incredibly strong Wi-Fi signal.

And I couldn't hack in.

Is this something to do with you?

-Negative.

-If it wasn't Eve, then that means...

-It wasn't the Spiderbot.

-How do you know?

Because it's a cleaning machine. You might as well blame the Hoover.

I just really don't like the look of that thing.

-Look, I know you're scared of spiders.

-I'm not scared of spiders.

-Eve.

-Responses indicate...

-Look...

-Thank you.

If you want to waste your afternoon watching football, fine,

but I'm going to investigate.

-Come on.

-Yes, come on.

-Play it wide.

-Yeah.

-That's it.

-Come on, yes. Yes.

-Yes, come on. Come on.

Come...ah!

Go on, my son!

Question, the object of the game is to score goals.

Why have no goals been scored?

-She's American.

-Yeah.

-That's it.

-Yes.

-Keep going.

-Yes. Yes.

-Hit it, hit it!

-Yes!

-Yes!

Why are you shouting?

-Yes!

-Because we just scored.

But it wasn't a goal.

Yes, it was.

No! No.

Move.

The referee disallowed it.

Ah, you blind muppet. Get an eye test.

Why?

The goal-line technology said the ball didn't cross the line.

It didn't.

Why are they all so sad?

It's cos we was robbed by a machine.

But the machine was accurate.

The trajectory and velocity indicated that...

OK, erm, do you fancy a kick-about?

Yeah, sure.

PHONE BEEPS

Over here.

Wow. That was an amazing save.

For a girl.

Yeah. It was.

Erm... Chris, I'll see you tomorrow, mate.

-Yep.

-Bye!

-Yep, see you later.

That was a great save.

Another perfect save. You haven't even missed one.

-Do you want me to?

-No.

I want you to play for my team.

Well?

But I would be risking discovery.

My protocols will not allow...

Can't you ever just forget about your protocols?

Only in an emergency situation.

Well, there you go, then.

You are the only person who can save us from relegation.

I still do not comprehend the significance.

Look at this. It's my first ever programme.

My mum took me to this match.

Dad never bothers. He still doesn't now.

She was a massive supporter as well.

She had a season ticket.

Your mom?

Yeah.

Erm, so, anyway, it's like you and the crowd and the players.

Like you're part of something.

Something bigger than everything else.

Beta testing is complete on the Arachnokleen 3000 series.

Spidey and his friends are going to make us a lot of money.

-"Spidey"?

-I'm ready to push the Go button on production.

Now? But surely with a product as innovative as this,

we need time to work on any bugs?

We don't have time.

One of our rivals is fast-tracking a similar product.

A spider-shaped cleaning robot with basic AI technology?

Big coincidence, yes?

-Yes!

-No.

-Oh.

-They have a spy in our company.

-You don't know that.

Yes, I do. My spies in their company told me.

So you see, it's important we're first to the marketplace.

Yeah, but we have to make sure the product is safe.

Of course it is. It's a simple domestic appliance.

What could possibly go wrong?

ROBOT BLEEPS

"Signal detected"?

Oh, the Wi-Fi signal!

Come on, come on, connect, connect!

Come on, come on...

OK, right. Erm...

Yes, I'm in! OK, decode.

Save, save, save!

Um, um, um...

Eve. You ready then?

110%.

-Put this on.

-Why?

Thing is, Dad doesn't need to know about this. OK?

Will? Will.

We've got big trouble.

Morning.

Look.

You see?

-BOTH:

-No.

-Try reading it backwards.

-It says, "Eve's located".

Actually, no. It says, "Eve slo-ca-ted".

Well, it's close enough.

It came from that Wi-Fi router I told you about.

Somebody's spying on you. Or something.

Not the Spiderbot? I told you, it's basically an electronic mop.

But that message came from someone.

If they know about Eve, you're all in danger.

-I'm in danger?

-We don't know that. It's OK.

Look, get back online and see what you can find out.

You're not going to help me?

Course. After the match.

You're playing football at a time like this?

It's important. If we lose today, we'll get relegated.

We'll get back to the message thing. Promise.

Come on.

Yeah.

-I'll be back for you.

-Come on.

Fancy a flutter? 25-to-1. £5.

Fancy a punt?

It's a sure bet the Demons are going to be relegated today.

No, thanks, mate. Cheers.

I don't believe this.

Are you running a book on this game?

Yeah. Fancy a cheeky flutter?

Absolutely not. No.

But, just out of interest, what odds are you offering on Deanswood?

100-to-1?! Are you serious?

Is that what you think of my team?

Got to tempt the punters somehow.

It's not easy getting people to bet on the Deanswood Donkeys.

Excuse me. What did you just call us?

-Isn't that your name?

-No!

Right, you know what?

I'll have a tenner on the Donkeys.

Dragons. I mean Dragons.

100-to-1, £10.

Good luck, Dad.

Will, Will!

Jason just texted to say that he can't make it.

Apparently, someone's given him free tickets to a concert in London.

Ah, did they?

Yeah, so right now, your cousin is the only goalie we've got.

So...where is he?

Here she is.

Wait. What's happening?

You do know that this is a boys' league, don't you?

Yeah, and you always say sport is about inclusion and participation.

-Yes. Yes, I do, don't I?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

No! No, you can't play...a girl.

You must be having a laugh.

You'll turn us into a joke team.

Well, apparently, we're already a joke team.

But at least we can be an inclusive one.

-Dad, no!

-Shhh.

You're in the team.

Come on, Deanswood. Come on, let's go!

Yes, Stars, come on!

Stick to my tactics and we'll win.

That's it. Close him down.

Yes, Stars, get in.

-Come on, Stars!

-Tackle him! Come on!

Sort your marking! Come on.

-That's a good save.

-Well done, Eve.

Good save, Eve.

All right, guys, formation. Keep the formation.

Come on. You look stagnant.

I want to see you breathe fire on these opponents.

That's it!

-ANSWERING MACHINE:

-'Hi, Mr Clarke.

'Yeah, I hate to do this,

'but you really need to know where Eve is right now.'

Oh, no.

You have to recall the Spiderbots.

Let's not overreact to a few little bugs.

Have you seen the reports? They can't be switched off.

They're going haywire.

We have to get them back before someone gets hurt.

I'll speak to the lawyers.

Where are you going?

I left one at home with my son and my...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT ..niece.

What a drama queen.

You're not dangerous, are you, Spidey?

Spidey?

Come on, come on.

Oh, no.

BLEEPING VIBRATION

-'Oh, good, Mr Clarke, are you there?'

-Abe?

Lily? Why are you picking up Mr Clarke's phone?

It doesn't matter. Can you get Will?

He's playing. What's up?

'It's the cleaning robot. It switched itself on without the remote.'

It sent that message, I know it did.

And now it's planning something.

'Planning what?'

I don't know, I've lost it.

'Yeah, you have lost it.'

Shut up, this is serious. This thing is evil.

'Just because it looks like a spider...'

I am not scared of spiders!

'I found it. It's in the basement.'

SCUTTLING

Tell Will where I am. I'm going in.

Lily? Lily? Lils?

Where are you?

LILY SCREAMS

Circle of friends formation.

Remember what I taught you.

-Over here.

-We need goals, Deanswood. Come on! Goals!

Yes, come on, the counterattack. That's it.

Eve! Eve, no! Eve, no, no, no.

What are you doing? OK, keep going, girl.

Go on, then, go on!

Eve scored! I can't believe it!

What are you doing?

-Great goal!

-Get off her, she's the keeper.

She's the keeper! You're the keeper. You're meant to stay in your goal.

It doesn't count, everyone, yeah? Cos it's five-a-side football.

What are you doing?

We must score goals to win.

Yes, and that's the striker's job. Me.

I have calculated our optimum strategy.

Oh, and let me guess, it basically involves you playing every position?

-That would be impossible.

-Guys, is there a problem?

-No.

-Yes. I need to be the striker.

-What?

-I'm the superior player.

Yeah, that's an interesting thought.

You can't do that, I'm your captain.

Do you know why I made you captain, William?

You always put the team first.

Armband.

Good luck.

Spidey, where are you?

No...

Come on, Deanswood. Stick to my tactics and we'll win.

Yes!

Yes!

What is that now? I've lost count.

3-0. I'm done. Broke.

Skint till the end of time.

You're not wrong there, son.

Yes! 4-0.

Who's getting relegated now?

Rory...

-You all right, mate?

-Felt like hitting a metal wall.

Come on, she barely touched you.

Look, we ain't got any more strikers. Oh, sorry. All right, sorry.

I can't play. Put Will on.

You two just switch, all right?

Why did you do that? Chris was on to score.

It was statistically likely that he would fail and that I would succeed.

You are such a robot sometimes.

All of the time.

This is a big mistake. I should never have brought you here.

-But we're winning.

-Football isn't about winning.

Then what is it about?

It's playing as a team.

Having a laugh with your mates and that.

A human would know.

Come on, Dragons, let's go. Come on, same again.

Nice move. That's a good pass. Come on!

Shoot! Shoot, Eve!

-WILL'S VOICE:

-'Football isn't about winning.'

-Shoot, take the shot!

-Go on.

-What you doing?!

-What?

What are you doing?

Trying to understand what's more important than winning.

Will? Will?

Eve?

Lily, get away from that thing.

It's not a "thing".

No, no, it's not safe.

It's alive.

They're out of control. They're dangerous.

No. Look at this.

Hello!

But there were reports of...of the Spiderbots attacking people.

They weren't attacking. Just trying to communicate.

They want to talk to us

but they don't know how so they're trying everything they can.

They've broken Katherine's programming.

Life triumphs against all the odds.

Mary, you are brilliant.

PHONE VIBRATES

Ah, wondered where that had got to.

17 missed calls from your brother? And a text.

"Eve's playing football."

Come on, we can do this!

Watch the wing, watch the wing!

Come on, you Dragons.

Come on, you Stars.

Come on, Dragons, you can do it! Come on, you donkeys!

Eve, what you doing? Come on, get involved.

-Hopeless!

-4-4. Looks like I get to keep your money.

-It ain't over until it's over, all right?

-Eve!

Hey!

Dad.

Eve, what are you doing out there?

-A good question.

-She can't play football. You have to take her off.

-You're not wrong there, are you?

-What were you thinking?

-I wasn't.

-Eve, listen to me.

Yes! Look, your uncle's here now

so why don't you score the winner and make him proud?

No, that's not what I meant.

I will make you proud!

No, wait!

Come on!

Come on, ref, finish it! Blow the whistle!

Go on, Eve! Go on, Eve, yes! Go on.

Yes, now!

-WILL'S VOICE:

-'Playing as a team.

'Having a laugh with your mates and that.'

Now!

'You are such a robot sometimes.'

'Why did you do that? Chris was on to score.'

'A human would know.'

Yes!

Yes!

-Will...

-Look, Dad, I know what you're going to say and...

Well done, son. You won the game.

Thanks, Dad. It was Eve, really.

-She scored most of the goals.

-Oh, OK.

Look, erm... I've come to say thank you, and I'm sorry.

I was wrong about before. You wasn't playing like a robot.

You played like a human.

I shouldn't have risked exposing you like that. I was being selfish.

I don't understand.

Doesn't matter. Come on.

-Hey, Lily.

-Two things...

One, yay! You won. Two, never, ever do that again.

Eve, great game.

I've never seen a girl play like that before.

This is going viral.

What? You're putting it on the internet?

Of course he is.

Just uploading it now.

Eve, stop him.

It's been deleted.

-Never mind. Victory selfie?

-Yeah!

There you go.

See you later.

-What?

-That Wi-Fi signal. It's active here.

That means it must have been coming from you.

-Confirmed.

-So, there you go. No spies, no-one's on to us.

That signal was just Eve.

What was that message about? TEDACOLSEVE?

What does it mean?

I have no record of sending that message.

Come on, let's celebrate.

I heard the Spiderbots had been recalled for incineration.

We have no choice. Those things are dangerous.

One of them jumped on my head.

It was only trying to communicate with you.

I don't care what it thought it was doing.

No metal insect attacks me.

Technically, it's a metal arachnid.

You really think this is the time to be pedantic?

No. Sorry.

But, listen, these things show clear signs of emergent intelligence.

They're wasted as cleaning robots.

You're absolutely right.

I mean, who knows what they're cap... What?

Yes. They're wasted on the domestic market.

We should look into military application.

You can't. Mary would never have allowed it.

Well, Mary's not in charge here any more.

'Calimov systems, who own

'and maintain Tedaco nuclear power station,

'have appealed for calm today after an unknown hacker managed to

'cease control of the reactor core which is located in Sector L-7.

Tedaco L-7.

A nuclear reactor. Eve!

Did you do this?

Why can't you just trust her?

Because we know nothing about her.

She's a super-advanced robot. Who knows what she's capable of?

There's only one person good enough to hack our system, Mary Douglas.

'She would never put lives at risk.'

'You're being worked by remote control.'

'Like a machine?'