Brian's Cold Fee Fi Fo Yum

Busy, busy.

Studio's finished. What next?

A showbiz star.

Earth.

Welcome to Family Fun For You with me, Les Dennis!

Wah! Whoa! You can't grab me! I'm a gameshow host!

I can.

Next - humunchies. Yum yum.

What are you doing?! You can't eat him!

-I can. Watch me!

-Put him down!

I hate that giant!

Now...

it's Fee Fi Fo Yum!

And today's contestants, all the way from Ipswich,

it's the Giant Crushers.

And they'll be playing against the Victorious Vikings,

who come from London.

Here's a taste of the thrills and spills

that stand between them and their freedom!

And now, here he is!

Everyone's favourite host,

it's Des, I mean, Les Dennis!

Hello! And welcome to Fee Fi Fo Yum,

the show where the team that's not the winner will be Brian's...

-ALL:

-Dinner!

It could be any of you! So what a rip-roaring show we...!

GIANT COUGHS AND SNEEZES

Oh!

Sorry, Des. I'm full of cold.

Well, put your hand over your mouth!

We don't want your rotten, giant germs!

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE

Oh! Right then. Let's get on and meet the teams.

First of all, we meet the Giant Crushers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi, Anna!

-Hi, Les.

Introduce us to the Giant Crushers.

On my team, I have Bailey...

-Hiya, Les!

-Hi, Bailey.

-Jack.

-Hiya, Les.

-Hi, Jack.

-Mae.

-Hiya, Les!

-Hiya, Mae!

-And Jez.

-Hiya, Les!

-Hiya, Jez.

She nearly forgot you there!

So you call yourselves the Giant Crushers. Why?

Cos we're here to crush the giant.

Watch out, cos he wants to crush one of this team.

It could be you. That's the Giant Crushers!

Let's go and meet the Victorious Vikings!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi, Melissa.

-Hi, Les.

-How are you doing?

-I'm fine.

-Introduce us to your team.

-This is Zaynab.

-Hi, Les.

-Hi, Zaynab.

-This is Daniel.

-Hi, Les.

-Hi, Daniel.

-This is Harveen.

-Hiya, Les.

-Hiya, Harveen.

-And at the end is Shannon.

-Hiya, Les.

-Hiya, Shannon.

And you call yourselves the Victorious Vikings. Why?

-Because we're clever.

-Strong.

-We're victorious.

-ALL: And we fight for freedom.

Fight for freedom, OK! That's the teams!

Right, this is how we play Fee Fi Fo Yum.

You compete in a series of games in order to win time.

The more time you earn, the better chance you have

of winning the Great Escape.

-Is that clear, teams?

-ALL:

-Yes!

Good! In that case, let's play round one!

When Brian's watching Fee Fi Fo Yum,

he loves to have a cup of tea but no ordinary brew.

He likes it really sweet.

Brian, I s'pose you should be having honey and lemon, rather than tea.

Already on it, Des.

LOUD SLURPING

Lovely(!)

So, your job in this game, teams,

is to feed Brian the sweetest cup of tea you possibly can.

Using the teaspoons that Brian's provided,

you will catapult sugar lumps into your teacups.

The team that makes him the sweetest cup of tea

will win the first five-second lifeline

and that brew will take his mind off eating you for a while.

So Brian, who's going to play?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

I think YOU should have a go...

Jack.

And Anna.

I could dunk you in a cup of tea.

And I want Harveen.

And Daniel.

I'm watching you!

Brian's made his choice. Teams, let's play.

You have until snotty Brian's egg timer runs out to keep him sweet.

Good luck. Brian, over to you.

Three, two, one!

BRIAN SNEEZES

Go! Go!

And you're off!

Remember - the sweeter the brew, the better for you.

It needs to go into the cup.

Ooh, there's one in!

Bouncing off the edge and onto the plate won't count.

It's 1-1.

You're getting the hang of it.

If you get a sugar lump into your opponents' cup, it's their score.

Only 30 seconds left!

The Giant Crushers are going for it.

Ooh, in and out!

It won't count because it came out.

There's sugar lumps all over the table.

We need more in the cups.

BRIAN COUNTS DOWN

Brian wants that sweet cup of tea.

He wants his spoon to stand up in it!

And that's it!

Time's up. So, players, rejoin your teams.

Let's see how you did.

Giant Crushers, you got three sugar cubes in your cup.

And Victorious Vikings, you got two

so that means the first five-second lifeline goes to the Giant Crushers!

But it's still all to play for.

We're going to take a break. Join us after this.

Oh, no!

Does your washing powder get your laundry disappointingly clean?

Does it gleam and smell of summer meadows?

It's time to switch to Grimo!

Sweaty stains? No problem.

Gravy slops? Sorted!

Mud and mucus? Guaranteed!

In fact, Grimo will refresh your laundry

with nearly 20 different smells and stains.

I didn't think it were possible!

Go on, take a sniff!

You know you want to.

SHE SNIFFS

Ah!

It's all I ever wanted.

Thank you, Grimo.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Fee Fi Fo Yum,

where the Giant Crushers have a five-second advantage

over the Victorious Vikings!

There's plenty of time up for grabs and what does time mean?

-ALL:

-Freedom!

Yeah! The more time you earn, the more chance you have to escape.

Now we come to Brian's favourite part.

Maybe we shouldn't do it today, with germs and all that.

It's all right, Des, I've washed my hands especially.

HE SNEEZES

Charming. Absolutely charming(!)

Go on then, introduce it.

It's Des's Tasty Challenge!

HE SNEEZES LOUDLY

You got my name wrong again!

-You know my name, don't you, teams?

-ALL:

-Yes, Les!

See? "Yes, Les"! It's Les, OK?

Sorry, Des.

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY

Get off!

You know, he really is a great big snotty beast.

I'm what?

I...I was just saying I've been doing some baking and using some...

Yeast?

Yeast! Yes! Yeast!

You need to get out more!

Yes, I would get out more if you let me escape! Then I'd get out a lot!

Wooh, look at me, I'm Des Lennis

and I'm trapped and I like baking fairy cakes!

I hate that giant!

LAUGHTER

Anyway! Onto Les's Tasty Challenge.

Under this dish is some food that Brian has put here.

I have no idea what it is.

You have to guess how much of it I can eat in 30 seconds.

Is that clear, teams?

-ALL:

-Yes, Les!

Let's reveal the meal!

-What is it? It's squid.

-BRIAN: Yum.

Or squids.

You've got to guess how many of these squids

I can eat in 30 seconds.

Write it down on your cards.

Don't let your other teams see it.

Right, squids.

Brian, are you having a laugh?

Not even a lemon to make it appetising!

OK, teams, you should have come up with your answers

but keep them to yourself. Brian, may I have my light, please?

I have 30 seconds to eat as many of these as I can. So starting...

Now!

Urgh.

TEAMS SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

20 seconds.

BRIAN COUNTS DOWN

Time's up!

Urgh!

Des, you've started, so you'll finish.

All gone.

I don't mind it when it's in batter, bit of calamari, but like that,

without any lemon or anything, it was horrible.

So how many did you guess?

-What about you, Giant Crushers?

-Erm, 12.

-12 Mouth-alls.

-Victorious Vikings, what did you put?

-7.

So, no wonder you were shouting for me to eat more.

Brian, how many squiddies did I eat in 30 seconds?

HE COUGHS AND SNIFFS

I can confirm you have eaten four pieces of squid.

So that means the Victorious Vikings, you are nearest with 7.

You get a five-second lifeline, well done!

CHEERING

It's neck-and-neck as we go into a break.

Join us when one of our team will be ending up in Brian's tum.

We'll see you then.

-I feel ill.

-Me too, Des.

Oh...

Feeling tired and in need of a boost?

Then you need some Go Go Giant!

UPBEAT MUSIC

Go Go Giant! Don't live in slo-mo, have some Go Go!

Hey, there, snot-face. Looks like you need a new box of tissues.

No money? No problem.

Get your hands on a box of As Good As New tissues.

Open one up and who knows what you'll find inside!

Go on, have a blow. You'll soon get used to the feel of them.

And here's the best part - As Good As New tissues are half the price!

We cannot guarantee the product will be clean

or there won't be living creatures inside.

Not actually as good as new. It's just a catchy name.

Hold the fort, Des. I'm just nipping out for some As Good As New tissues.

Back in a sec.

We've got a game on here,

the Giant Crushers have a five-second lifeline,

and the Victorious Vikings have a five-second lifeline!

All to play for, as we play our next game.

Now, up there in Giant Land, Brian gets really, really lonely. Aw.

-Say "aw" for him, teams.

-ALL:

-Aw!

So what he likes to do to keep himself company

is make little spuddie buddies.

What can I say? He's got a lot of time on his hands!

So Brian, who's your spuddie buddie today?

Brian?

Sorry, Des. Where were we up to?

-I was just asking you who's your spuddie buddie?

-Oh!

Here he is, Des!

He's called... Bob.

-That does surprise me(!) Say hello to Bob.

-Hello, Bob!

Hello, everybody.

SNEEZE

Oh, looks like Bob's got a cold as well!

Right, all of Bob's bits are in the blancmange.

Your job in this game is to recreate Bob.

The team that does it best and first will win the five-second lifeline.

Brian, who's going into the bowl?

I like the look of...

Jez.

And...I'll have...

Shannon.

You look delicious!

And who do you want to make Bob?

Hm.

I'm going to go with May and Bailey.

I think you should play this one. And...

Hm, Melissa.

And Zaynab. Mm!

You look appetising!

Brian's made his choice. Teams, let's play...

Chip Off The Old Block.

Jez and Shannon, you're going into the blancmange, getting the bits,

passing them to Mae and Melissa,

who'll pass them on to Bailey and to Zaynab, who will make the Bobs.

OK, good luck. Goggles on!

3, 2, 1.

Dive!

And they're into the blancmange.

Jez is already getting a couple of eyes out.

Shannon's looking for, I don't know, she's deep into the blancmange.

It looks as if we've got eyes and a hat for the Giant Crushers.

It's so hard to find these bits inside this blancmange!

And they're neck-and-neck, well, it's eye-and-eye, and nose-and-nose,

-and ear-and-ear.

-BOB SNEEZES

Bless you!

Giant Crushers are very close. So the Vikings need to catch up.

Hurry up!

Bob's snotty nose is on.

There goes one arm over on the Giant Crushers' side.

It looks like there's an arm coming up to the Crushers.

This could be a final piece!

Giant Crushers reckon they've done it -

Brian, is that your identical twin of Bob?

Yes!

Despite a wonky ear, you've got a five-second lifeline! Well done!

Victorious Vikings, you were short of an eye and an arm,

so no seconds for you. We're going to take a break.

Watch the ads carefully, because I'll be quizzing you on them

when we come back. You lot can play along at home too!

Not that your life depends on it!

They could lose theirs!

If sensitive teeth are making your life a misery,

you need the all-new and improved Medi-Mallet!

Simply hold the mallet away from your body. A little further.

A little more. And now apply firmly to the body.

The Medi-Mallet won't cure your sensitive teeth,

but it'll sure take your mind off it!

If symptoms persist, don't blame us.

Are you a messy eater?

Fed up with your food getting stuck in your beard?

Well, help is at hand

in the shape of the Waste Not, Want Not Beard Vac.

Its super-suck action will have your beard free of crumbs

in next to no time.

Buy today, and you'll receive this handy beard vac food tray

absolutely free!

Hey! Waste Not, Want Not!

Warning - the Waste Not, Want Not Beard Vac

should not be used near animals.

So say goodbye to that food-filled face, and hello

to the Waste Not, Want Not Beard Vac.

Limited one-time offer, 87 grots.

Welcome back to Fee Fi Fo Yum, were you watching the ads?

Because I'm about to quiz you on them.

Any correct answer will get a two-second lifeline.

Currently, the Giant Crushers, you have a ten-second lifeline!

Victorious Vikings, you're trailing with a five-second lifeline!

And there's a possible ten seconds up for grabs as we play...

Ad Analysis.

Fingers on buzzers, here's your starter for two.

In the Medi-Mallet sensitive teeth ad, what was the giant eating?

-Giant Crushers.

-Ice lolly.

Let's have a look.

Yes it was, well done, two seconds to you!

Question two. Complete this sentence -

"The Medi-Mallet won't cure your sensitive teeth, but..."

-Giant Crushers.

-"It'll take your mind off it."

"It will take your mind off it" - let's see if you're right!

The Medi-Mallet won't cure your sensitive teeth,

but will sure take your mind off it.

Yes. You may have a two-second lifeline.

I knew that one!

If you bought a Waste Not, Want Not Beard Vac,

what free gift would you receive?

-Giant Crushers.

-Giant crushers are in again.

-Collection plate.

It's close, but it's not quite what we're looking for,

so we're handing it over to the Vikings.

If you bought a Waste Not Want Not Beard Vac,

what free gift would you receive?

Em, a free collection plate?

Collection plate? That's what they said. Let's have a look.

Buy today, and receive this handy Beard Vac food tray absolutely free!

It was a tray we were looking for, a Beard Vac food tray.

Stupid humunchies!

Question four, what colour was the giant's cat?

-Vikings!

-The Vikings are in.

-Um, ginger.

Was it a ginger cat?

Yes it was, well done!

Ooh, that was an easy one!

Last question in this round -

-how many Grots does a Beer Vac cost?

-87.

-Let's see if you're right.

It is 87 - well done!

So, at the end of Ad Analysis, you got three right,

which give you six seconds, well done!

You got one right, which gives you a two-second lifeline.

How will that affect your overall lifelines? Let's find out.

After a word from everybody's favourite flexible giant,

Jim Elastic.

Thanks, Les, on today's Get Up And Go Go,

I'm having a right royal workout at Buckingham Palace.

So, come on, giants, join me, Jim Elastic,

after Fee Fi Fo Yum here on GTV!

Come on, your Majesty! Yoo-hoo!

Wakey-wakey!

Come on. Here we go.

And up, and down...

What a waste of Grots. I've been conned.

Steady on, Brian! Things are getting serious down here.

OK, teams, you have to decide who's going to take on The Great Escape.

-OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

-This is really serious now, folks.

Remember, one team will be eaten by Brian at the end of the show,

so whoever steps up to the mark

will have the fate of their team-mates in their hands.

What a pressure!

You up to it? You think you could?

Yes, we can do it.

OK, teams, you should have come up with your decisions by now,

so, Giant Crushers, who's playing for you and why?

-Jack.

-And why's that?

Because he's our strongest player

and he's going to help fight for our FREEDOM!

-OK, are you up to that, Jack?

-Oh, I'm up for it - we are escaping!

Victorious Vikings, who's playing for you, and why?

-Harveen should play for us.

-And why's that?

He's strong, good at puzzles, and he'll help us win our freedom.

-Will you, Harveen?

-Yeah, because they have no chance against us.

-What are you fighting for?

-FREEDOM!

So, Jack and Harveen, it's time for...

The Great Escape!

This is it, Jack and Harveen.

Brian has trapped your team-mates in the scales of justice.

Their future hangs, literally, in the balance.

It's down to you two to release them.

But, standing between you and them is The Great Escape.

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

First, you must tackle the Doughnut Dash.

Then, it's on to the Kitchen Roll Crawl.

Watch out for those meatballs.

Once through there, you will take on the Rolling Pin Run,

but watch out, watch out, Brian's got those teabags out.

Then you must complete the Choc Bar Challenge to build a walkway

to Brian's Big Bowl, and then it's up the slippery slope, to the rope.

The player that gets to the top first pulls the release rope.

Only then can your team-mates escape down the Freedom Chute.

You don't need me to tell you

that the team that's not the winner will be Brian's...

-ALL:

-Dinner!

Giant Crushers, you have a 16-second lifeline. That's amazing.

BRIAN CHUCKLES

Victorious Vikings, you have a seven-second lifeline.

That means, Jack, you have a nine-second lead.

-How do you feel about that?

-More confident now.

You're feeling confident?

-OK, Harveen, do you reckon you can catch up?

-Yeah, I can.

All right, Jack, you will go on Brian's first whistle.

Harveen, you will go on Brian's second whistle.

All right, Brian, over to you.

WHISTLE

And Jack's off!

He's into the Doughnut Dash!

There he is - through the Doughnut Dash!

-WHISTLE

-And there you are, Harveen, you're just behind.

Can you dash and catch up?

Jack is getting stuck in the meatballs. But he's through.

Harveen is just behind, I think.

And Jack's on to the Rolling Pin Run. Oh, he's off the rolling pin!

Oh, you'll be dinner!

Harveen's taking it very cautiously. And he's off!

Jack's there on the Rolling Pin Run. Trying to get across.

He's...across!

The Rolling Pin Run, Harveen is still struggling with that.

Jack's on to the Choc Bar Challenge, and he's finished, it looks like.

Harveen is off the rolling pin again.

TEAMS YELL ENCOURAGEMENT

Brian is particularly brutal with those teabags today.

-Harveen, you're off again.

-Back to the start!

Take your time. Jack is about to complete the Choc Bar Challenge.

Yes, he's completed the Choc Bar Challenge.

He's up and he's into that big bowl. Be careful in that blancmange.

Go, Jack! Go, Jack!

If you want to be victorious,

you've got to make it across the rolling pin.

BRIAN LAUGHS

You're nearly there.

Don't try to stand up!

He's there, he's across, well done, you're across!

You're on to the Choc Bar Challenge!

You could still catch up.

Jack, hold on to the sides! Come on, Jack!

If he does, he will have the advantage

of getting into that slippery sludge and not being as wet as Jack.

-Go on, Jack!

-Jack is still, he's on the last leg,

but he's still having trouble with it.

The last piece of chocolate for Harveen, then into the Big Bowl,

and he will be in exactly the same position as Jack.

So, here he comes, he's getting in cautiously,

that's a good way to do it.

Come on, Harveen! Come on! Nearly there!

-Jack, Jack, run!

-He certainly is now, if he wasn't then.

Maybe Brian's sneezing has got something to do with this.

I don't even want to think about that.

Oh, and Harveen's back in again.

It's absolutely neck-and-neck.

Stop! Stop! You've all had long enough. I'm going to eat all of you!

OK, Brian, you're the boss.

Brian says you've had long enough.

You're going to be part of Brian's banquet. That means...

neither of you are the winner. You'll all be Brian's...

-Dinner!

-Yes! And they do say, "feed a cold." Over to you, Brian!

Help!

Help, please!

Sorry, teams, but rules are rules.

Brian's going to enjoy his two-for-one,

and you can't say Fee Fi Fairer Than That!

Help! Don't eat me, please!

Bad luck!

SCREAMING

Argh!

KID SQUEALS

Fee Fi Fo Yum!

KID SQUEALS

I'm going to enjoy you!

KID SCREAMS

CRUNCHING

KID SQUEALS

That's it from an extraordinary Fee Fi Fo Yum.

Brian's tucking into that big blancmangey banquet

but it won't keep him happy for long.

Join us next time when two more teams of humunchies

will fight for their freedom and hope to stay out of Brian's tum.

See you then.

Say goodbye, Brian. Uh-oh!

BRIAN SNEEZES

Bless you!