Brian's Dream Fee Fi Fo Yum

Giant Television proudly presents

Fee Fi Fo Yum.

Busy, busy.

Studio's finished. What next?

A showbiz star.

Welcome to family fun for you with me, Les Dennis. Wahey! Oi!

You can't grab me - I'm a game-show host.

Next, the Munchies. Yum, yum.

-What are you doing? What are you doing? You can't eat him.

-I can.

Watch me.

I hate that giant.

Now, it's...

And today's contestants...

All the way from Salford, it's the Monster Mashers.

They'll be playing against Solutions, who've come from London.

Here's a taste of the thrills and spills that stand

between them and their freedom.

And now, here he is, every giant's favourite host -

it's Des... I mean, Les Dennis!

Whoa! That was a steep one!

Hello and welcome to Fee Fi Fo Yum.

We're celebrating today with our 300th show!

CHEERING

Yes, who'd have believed it?

Snatched by a giant and trapped on this kitchen table all those years.

Good job I'm not bitter, isn't it, Brian?

It IS a good job you're not bitter, Des.

In fact, now you come to mention it, I reckon you'd be really quite sweet.

Hmm...Les is tasty.

Les is tasty.

Les is tasty.

Huh? Weird!

-Are you all right, Brian?

-Yes, good, good. I think.

Good. Let's get on with the show and meet the teams.

-First, we meet the Monster Mashers.

-APPLAUSE

-Hi, Adam.

-Hey up, Les.

-Hey up, Adam. Introduce us to your team.

-First we've got Nissy.

-Yo, Les.

-Yo, Nissy.

-And Zenon.

-Holler, Les.

-Holler, Zenon.

-Esther.

-'Sup, Les?

-'Sup, Esther.

-Marina.

-Hi, Les.

-Hi, Marina.

And Nissy and Esther, you've got a celebration for us, haven't you?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

-Go on, then.

-One, two, three, go.

-Wow, Brian, d'you reckon you can do that?

-Oh, er...

Get on with it.

-Who are you again?

-ALL:

-The Monster Mashers.

Right, let's meet Solutions.

-What a show we've got today. Hi, Giuliana.

-Hiya, Les.

-Introduce us to the Solutions.

-This is Andreas.

-Hi, Les.

-Hi, Andreas.

-This is Renee.

-Hi, Les.

-Hi, Rene.

-And Chelsea.

-Hi, Les.

-Hi, Chelsea.

-At the end is Arun.

-Hi, Les.

-Hi, Arun.

Why do you call yourselves the Solutions?

-We have the solution to win our...

-ALL: Freedom!

-That's the Solutions.

-They're the... Monster Mashers.

-That's the teams!

OK, teams. This is how we play Fee Fi Fo Yum.

You'll compete in a series of games in order to win time.

The more time you earn, the better your chance of winning

the Great Escape at the end of the show.

-All clear, teams?

-ALL:

-Yes, Les.

Right then, let's get on with our first game.

Go on, Des. Do it, do it!

You have to ruin it, don't you?

All right. Beans, beans, they're good for your heart.

The more you eat, the more you...

PARP

Every time!

As you've probably realised, Brian likes beans.

If you haven't realised, where've you been for the last 17 series?

Teams, your job is to catapult as many beans as you can

on to your round of toast to feed Brian.

The team that feeds him the most beans

will win the first five-second lifeline,

but those beans, more importantly, will take his mind off eating you.

Brian, who's going to play?

For this game, I'm going to pick...

Adam and Esther.

You'd be nice on a piece of toast.

And I want Andreas and Chelsea.

Bit of salt and pepper and you'll be delicious.

Brian's made his choice. Teams, let's play.

You have until Brian's egg timer runs out, to blast those beans.

Good luck. Brian, over to you.

Ready, steady, go!

You're off, teams. Get those beans on the toast.

If it goes on the plate, it won't count.

If it goes on the table, it won't count.

The Monster Mashers have the first bean on.

That was a really sticky one there from Solutions.

They said they were going to find the solution. They might have done.

They're going well at the moment. It's 3-1.

Monster Mashers are catching up.

A bean on your opponent's toast will go to them, remember.

Get the power and the trajectory right and you'll be able to do it.

Oh, right into that sticky...

Wow! One after the other into the butter.

Time's up.

That's it, players, rejoin your teams.

Let's see how you did.

-Monster Mashers, you got four beans on your toast.

-Lovely!

Solutions, you got five beans on your toast.

So that means you get the first five-second lifeline.

It's all still to play for.

That's it from the first part of Fee Fi Fo Yum.

Join us soon.

Not really in the mood for beans today.

What do I fancy?

Mmm, Des is tasty!

Hmm, Des is tasty!

Des is tasty!

Ooh! Really weird.

Sometimes, getting to sleep seems like the hardest thing in the world.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Fee Fi Fo Yum.

At the end of our first game,

Solutions got a five-second advantage over the Monster Mashers.

But there's plenty of time still up for grabs.

-And what does time mean?

-ALL:

-Freedom!

-Right. If the other team beat you, Brian's going to...

-ALL:

-Eat you!

Mm, eat you.

Brian! Argh! Brian, no!

Des is tasty.

-Mm, Des is tasty.

-Brian, are you sure you're all right up there?

Oh, er, yes! Yeah, I was just... thinking.

It's Des's Tasty Challenge coming up next.

Oh, right. I was hoping he was going to stay asleep and forget about it.

And just for the record, it's Les's Tasty Challenge!

Des's Tasty Challenge!

Esther, I don't know whether you've noticed - Brian's being weird today.

-Huh?

-Brian, I was just saying to Esther that I could do with

some food to keep my hunger at bay.

Hmm! I know what'll keep my hunger at bay. You, Des!

-Oh, sorry Des, I don't know what just came over me.

-OK, Brian.

Told you he was being weird. Shall I just get on with it?

Yeah, probably a good idea, Des.

Now, teams, Brian has placed some food under this dish.

I have no idea what it is.

Your job is to guess how much of it I can eat in 30 seconds.

-Is that clear, teams?

-ALL:

-Yes, Les!

Let's reveal the meal!

Meatballs! Mm, meatballs.

How do I feel about that? It's Brian's favourite, I know that.

Tiny ones, these. He likes great big ones.

So, teams, how many do you think I can eat in 30 seconds?

Write your guesses down but keep them to yourself.

Brian, meatballs. I know you like them.

You must have taken one big meatball and made little tiny ones for me.

That's really kind, Brian.

PLAYERS CONFER

Out of your huddle. Now, then. You should have put your guesses down.

I'm going to get on with it. Brian, can I have my light, please?

OK teams, I have to eat as many meatballs as I can in 30 seconds,

starting now.

They taste much better than they smell.

20 seconds.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one.

Time's up! LES MUTTERS

You've started, so you'll finish.

-I haven't finished yet, Brian.

-Come on!

All gone. So, teams, how many did you guess? Monster Mashers?

We guessed...

25. That's nearly a meatball a second.

-What did you think?

-And we guessed 15.

Solutions thought 15. Brian, very optimistic, our teams.

How many meatballs did I eat in 30 seconds?

I can confirm you have only eaten four meatballs.

Four meatballs! OK. So, that means Solutions are the nearest.

They're still off by a mile, but they get the five-second lifeline!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's harder than it looks, teams. OK?

We're going to take a break. Join us after this.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Fee Fi Fo Yum,

where the Monster Mashers are taking a monster mashing,

because they are 10 seconds down to Solutions!

But there's plenty of time up for grabs as we play our next game.

Now, Brian has gone from being weird to being sulky.

The reason he's sulking is because during the break, disaster struck.

He was enjoying a couple of nice choccy-gob biccies,

when he only went and dropped them in his blancmange.

So, teams, your job is to get into the blancmange,

get the bits of biccie out and recreate them,

because if there's one thing

this giant doesn't like, it's a soggy biccie. All clear, teams?

-Yes, Les!

-OK. Brian, who's going into the bowl?

Mm, I like the look of...

Nissy. You look juicy.

And I'll have...

Renee.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, you munchies in my tummy.

Who will be making the choccy gobs?

Marina and Zenon.

And Giuliana...and Arun.

You'll slip down a treat.

Brian's made his choice. Teams, let's play!

Nissy and Renee, you are diving for the bits.

You pass them to Marina and Giuliana,

who will pass them to Zenon and Arun, who will make the biscuits.

Monster Mashers, you're going for milk choccy gobs,

and Solutions, you're going for white choccy gobs.

Good luck. Goggles on.

Fee Fi Fo, go!

And they're into the blancmange!

Nissy and Renee are both looking for their biscuits.

Munchies in blancmange. Delicious!

Just pass it to Zenon! Come on!

Will the Solutions have the solution to this particular problem?

Will the Monster Mashers mash their chances,

or will they get it right?

Come on!

You must complete the biscuit. Just getting the bits out

and making it look like it's nearly together is not enough.

It must be gelled together as a proper biscuit.

Faster, faster!

Basically, you want anything that's the right colour for your team.

All the bits are there. There are no extra bits.

Move all this over!

Remember it must be a completed choccy gob.

This is really, really close. Very exciting!

Monster Mashers reckon they've won.

-That is the ticket.

-Yes, it is, a milk choccy gob!

Well done, Monster Mashers, you get that five seconds that you need.

-Well done.

-Solutions, you didn't find the solution.

It's broken, it's in bits.

Are you happy, Brian? Good. We are going to take a break.

Teams, watch the commercials closely.

I'll be quizzing you on them when we get back.

And you lot can play along at home. Not that your life depends on it.

Theirs does. One of them is going to go down.

Important job interview?

GURGLING Oh, dear. That doesn't sound good.

Desperate to make a good impression?

I'm not sure that's going to get you the job.

And that definitely won't.

Time to run.

If only she was wearing a Guff Muffler.

Fitted in seconds, the Guff Muffler cuts out those gusset grumbles,

leaving you free to get on with what's important.

Hi, Mr Giant. What seems to be the problem?

Ah, sounds to me like you're suffering from

a nasty case of fee fi blocked bum.

We've got just the cure for you.

Yes, why not try our new and improved Blocked Bum Bum?

Just one piece of Blocked Bum Gum relieves constipation in seconds.

Yeah, one quick chew and you'll be able to pooh.

Guaranteed!

Go easy on that gum, Mr Giant!

Too much chewing will result in too much poohing!

Blocked Bum Gum is part of the Bogbuster health range.

We cannot accept responsibility for any side effects.

Please chew responsibly.

Welcome back to Fee Fi Fo Yum.

Teams, I hope you were paying close attention to those ads,

I'm about to quiz you on them.

Give me a correct answer, I will give you a two second lifeline.

Currently, the Monster Mashers have a five second lifeline.

And Solutions have a ten second lifeline.

There are another ten seconds up for grabs as we play...

Ad Analysis.

Fingers on buzzers as I give you your starter for two.

In the "Guff Muffler Interview" ad,

-how did the lady giant ruin her interview?

-Solutions.

-Solutions.

-She farted.

-Let's see if you're right.

'... desperate to make a good impression?

'I'm not sure that's going to get you the job.'

You're absolutely right. And I would have also accepted guff or trump,

-but not blow-off.

-GIANT LAUGHS

Question Two - How long does it take to fit a Guff Muffler?

-Monster Mashers.

-Monster Mashers.

-Seconds.

-Zenon says seconds. Let's see if that's right.

'Fitted in seconds, the Guff Muffler...'

Yes, you're right. Well done.

Two seconds to the Monster Mashers.

And in Question Three, in the Bot Buster Blocked Bum Gum ad,

"Too much chewing results in too much... " what?

Poohing.

Let's see if you're right.

'Go easy on that gum, Mr Giant.

'Too much chewing will result in too much poohing.'

Absolutely. Well done. Question Four -

How many pieces of Blocked Bum Gum

-does it take to relieve constipation?

-Solutions.

-One.

-That's not right, is it?

-Let's see.

'Just one piece of Blocked Bum Gum relieves constipation in seconds.'

-Well done. Two seconds to you.

-Oh, it is right then.

Final question - What is the missing word from this sentence?

"One quick ... and you'll be able to pooh"?

-Monster Mashers.

-Monster Mashers.

-'One quick chew.'

-'One quick chew' - let's see.

'One quick chew and you'll be able to pooh.'

Yes, well done. So you've got three right, Monster Mashers,

which gives you six seconds. Well done.

-Solutions, you got two right, four seconds.

-'Well done.'

How does that affect your overall lifelines? Let's find out.

After a word from Jim Elastic.

Thanks, Les. On today's Get Up and Go Go,

sponsored by Go Go Giant, I'm going to show you how to work off

some of those Humunchies with the aid of Tower Bridge.

It's as simple as foot up and down, foot up and down, foot up.

So join me, Jim Elastic, after Fee Fi Fo Yum right here on GTV.

And down and up and down and...

RIPPING SOUND

Oh! Have you got a needle and thread down there?

This is getting silly.

Maybe if I eat somebody else it'll take my mind off eating HIM!

Welcome back to Fee Fi Fo Yum, where things are getting...

Brian, what's going on?

HE SCREAMS

Nope, that hasn't helped one bit.

Tasty, though!

-Can we have another light in, please? Thank you.

-Yummy yummy!

Brian, you can't eat a lighting man, this show won't work in the dark!

All right. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted,

things are getting serious.

Brian doesn't pick any more. This is your decision,

to decide who's going to face the Great Escape.

Into your huddle, teams.

Now, this is really important for them.

Remember, one of the teams will end up in Brian's tum.

Rather them than me!

So, whoever takes on the Great Escape

will have their team-mates' lives in their hands.

OK, teams, out of your huddles. I need to know who's playing.

Monster Mashers, who's playing for you and why?

Nissy, cos she's a long, lean freedom-winning machine.

-Are you up to that, Nissy?

-Yeah!

-OK.

Solutions, who's playing for you, and why?

Andreas, because he's the most brainiest and the most sportiest,

and he can get us out of this box.

-Andreas, are you up to it?

-Yeah!

-Good!

So, Nissy and Andreas, it's time for...

The Great Escape!

This is it.

Nissy and Andreas, Brian has trapped your team-mates

in the Scales of Justice,

and their future hangs in the balance.

It's down to you two to try to release them,

but standing between you and them is the Great Escape.

APPLAUSE

First you must tackle the Doughnut Dash.

Then it's on to the Kitchen Roll Crawl.

Watch out for those meatballs!

Next you will take on the Rolling Pin Run.

But beware, Brian's got those teabags out.

Then you complete the Choc Bar Challenge,

building a walkway to Brian's Big Bowl.

Then it's up the Slippery Slope to the rope.

The player who gets to the top first must pull the release rope.

Only then can your team-mates escape down the Freedom Chute.

You don't need me to remind you,

the team that's not the winner will be Brian's...

ALL: Dinner!

Monster Mashers, you have an overall lifeline of 11 seconds.

It's good.

Solutions, you have an overall lifeline of 14 seconds.

So, Andreas, you have a three-second lead. How do you feel about that?

Excited, nervous and happy,

but I know I'm going to get my team to freedom.

OK. And you reckon, Nissy, that you can catch up?

Yeah, I'm ready for this. Come on!

OK! Andreas, you will go on Brian's first whistle.

And then three seconds later,

Nissy, you will go on Brian's second whistle.

Good luck. Brian?

WHISTLES

And Andreas is off into the Doughnut Dash. And you're off too, Nissy.

A slip even before you got into the Doughnut Dash.

Whoa, Nissy up again.

Come back, start again, OK, into the Doughnut Dash.

And Andreas is nearly across the Rolling Pin Roll.

Nissy, you need to catch up.

So get into that kitchen roll.

Andreas just flew across that rolling pin.

He's already onto the Choc Bar Challenge.

Nissy, now, make sure you're careful on this rolling pin run.

Oh, no! And she's off straightaway.

Not even one foot across and she fell.

Take it carefully.

Using the teabag to steady herself.

Go, Nissy, go!

-Oh!

-Oh, you'll be dinner.

How's Andreas doing with the Choc Bar Challenge?

Having a little bit of trouble, so Nissy might catch up.

She's gone into the crouching position.

She's desperately trying to get across.

Andreas is looking over to see how she's doing.

Will that take time from him on the Choc Bar Challenge?

Nissy's had to go back. She's fallen again.

Oh, and while I was watching, Andreas is halfway up.

Halfway up. He's nearly there.

I don't believe this!

Solutions, you're out. Get out!

Run for your lives, guys, Brian might change his mind.

Andreas, that was amazing. See ya, bye!

That was extraordinary. Andreas was out of there before I even realised.

I'm sorry, Nissy.

You were foxed there by Brian and those Old Grey Lady tea bags.

You know what this means?

-You're not the winner, you're Brian's...

-dinner.

I'm so sorry. Over to you, Brian!

SCREAMING

Bad luck!

Monster Mashers, you were great, but I'm sorry. Rules are rules!

Yummy, yummy, yummy!

-Enjoy, Brian.

-Munchies in my tummy.

-Fee Fi Fo Yum!

-Please don't eat me!

I'm going to enjoy you.

That's it from Fee Fi Fo Yum.

Brian's tucking into his bangers and Monster Mash,

but he'll be hungry again soon.

Join us next time when two new teams of humunchies

will fight for their freedom and try to stay out of Brian's tum.

We'll see you then. Say goodbye, Brian.

Actually, you're the one that needs to say goodbye, Des!

-Brian! What are you doing?

-I'm sorry, Des.

I just can't help it. I've got to eat ya!

But, Brian, you can't eat me!

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.

Well, you know, who's going to present the show?

Oh, yeah. Good point, Des.

To be honest, Des,

I think you'd probably be a bit too cheesy for me anyway.

-See you later.

-Agh!