Episode 10 Fit

CROWD CHEERS

Hello, this is the FIT O'Clock News. Our top stories today.

There was controversy at the World Athletics Championships when

officials imposed strict new health and safety guidelines in the javelin.

Ah, ah!

A survey today reveals that eight out of ten children

prefer eating broccoli to eating chips,

and that eight out of ten children lie to people doing surveys.

Scientists have invented a new form of bicycle

designed to encourage children to cycle more.

Patricia Johnson went to investigate.

Professor Legg, tell us about this revolutionary new bicycle.

Well, kids will absolutely love riding this.

No need for helmets,

as I've enclosed the riding area in a crash-reinforced cabin.

The seat is much wider and you can actually ride this bike

with a friend or sibling, because I've put two in the back.

And for extra road safety,

this bike is steered from a separate driving seat in the front

-by a parent or guardian.

-Right.

Oh, and because kids' lives are so hectic,

we've given it an engine and a battery and a stereo.

Isn't that just a car?

HE SIGHS

I knew it reminded me of something!

The Misspelt Games!

You join us this glorious afternoon at the Geldof Outdoor Stadium

for the last qualifier in the women's peach volleyball.

Reigning champions Argentina here meeting Team GB.

The Brits not noted for their light touch with soft fruit,

traditionally doing better in the breadminton.

A great silver yesterday. And here we go.

Excellent first serve from Maria Ginasterra.

-Oh, that's textbook, what a bruiser.

-No chance of eating that now.

Not unless you like grass in your fruit salad.

-BUZZING!

-Ah!

-Oh, dear!

It looks like Ginasterra's been stung. Nasty.

Ah, one of the pitfalls of peach volleyball - wasps.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

WOMAN: Er? Um...

-MAN:

-Those are 70 pence.

Excuse me, they're 70 pence.

That's another one who hasn't paid.

Excuse me, they're...

Oi! Stop, thief, give me that back!

I'm going to call the police!

WHISTLING

CHILDREN SHOUT

WHISTLE BLOWS

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

WHISTLE BLOWS AGAIN Everyone, thank you.

Looking good, aren't I? Yeah?

Yeah?

You know it. OK...

As you were.

BUZZ! CROWD CHEERS

-What's that?

-Double chocolate, vanilla and raisin.

Oh, that is so bad for you, that ice cream, so bad.

-What are you having?

-Oh, I'm having a seaweed and garlic flavoured yofu.

-Yofu?

-Yes, it's yoghurt and tofu, except it's yofu.

It's so good for you, so good. Do you know what the additives in that

do to your body? Oh, they're so bad for you.

-What do they do?

-Oh, I can't tell you, it's that bad.

They're made up of tiny bits of cow, and, if you eat too many of them,

-then a big udder grows on your face.

-What?

-Yes!

Then your body melts into mush and people have to carry you in a bucket.

-Really?

-Yes, really.

Sorry.

SHE RETCHES

SMASH! MAN: Sorry!

Hi, guys, I'm Chad Stevens.

You might recognise me from the time-saving tips ads on TV,

like this one.

Think of the time you waste doing a toilet.

Save up your daily wees into one manageable monthly wee.

Gangway!

-SPLASHING ­ MAN: Ah!

-I'm like a proud mom,

just like the male version.

If only there was a word for that.

-A dad?

-Ssh!

-MAN: Oh, that feels good!

SPLASHING STOPS

-Aweso...!

-SPLASHING STARTS AGAIN

-SPLASHING STOPS, ZIP!

-Awesome!

Job done! And job done.

Actually, I only... got as far as the sink.

Excuse me.

SPLASHING

Practise hard and believe in yourself.

And, if that doesn't work, wait until the other guy's not looking

and just tie his shoelaces together.

-BOOMERANG WHISTLES

-Sporting tips?

Well, you must never get distracted when you're throwing a boomerang.

SHE SIGHS LOUDLY

Oh, come on, fish.

I haven't got all day!

Right...

I'm going to count to five

and, if you're not on the end of my line by the time I finish,

you're in big trouble!

One...two...

..three... I mean it!

..four...

five!

Right, that is it, I'm coming in.

All right...

Where are you?

Don't even think about hiding!

I'm now two weeks into my attempt

to become the youngest person to sail solo around the world.

There's a terrible storm.

The waves are over 30 feet high

and the mast is damaged.

I haven't slept for 48 hours.

I feel utterly exhausted and feel so very, very alone.

There's not another person around

for hundreds of miles!

MUSIC PLAYS > Hey, Jessica!

Have you seen the bottle opener?

Shut up! I'm doing my webcam diary thing.

Oh, whoops, sorry!

But could you pass me the bottle opener?

Honestly, do I have to do everything around here myself?

Thanks. Hey, everyone, OK, can you keep it down?

Jessica's doing her webcam.

I just want to say to my family

that I love you all and I miss you all so very, very much.

-It's just so hard...

-DOOR OPENS

..being all alone out here in the middle of the ocean.

I didn't realise how hard it would be,

but what's keeping me together is knowing that

-I'll see you all when I get home.

-LID SLAMS

(Sorry. Some glasses, sorry.)

Does anyone know how to edit on this thing?

You see, it's important to bring the odd extra racquet.

It depends on the kind of game you want to play.

I've had these strung to different pressures,

so, if I feel like a baseline game, I can go for a higher tension.

But if I feel like a more serve and volley game,

-I can bring it down a notch.

-Right, I'm fine with this.

Er, I think you're going to have to be a bit more prepared than that

when you're playing this, mate.

-That's, er, one-nil to me.

-I wasn't ready!

Do it again!

Two-nil.

Sorry, miss, I can't do PE today. I've got a note.

I've got shin splints and I've got to see a physio.

Yeah, miss, I can't do it either. My feet are fluffy.

On your marks...

set...

PISTOL FIRES

TELEPHONE RINGS

RINGING CONTINUES

Hello.

Yes. Well, is it urgent? It's just that I'm texting.

Fine, OK, no need to go on!

Yes, straight away!

SHE SIGHS LOUDLY They want me to make an announcement.

Honestly, it's all go round here. Can I help you?

-One for the gym, please.

-The gym? At your age?

-I'm only 38.

-38?! Do you want to sit down?

Do you know your own name?

Yes, it's Ben. I go to the gym every day. I'm only 38.

Now, can I please have a locker key?

Seriously, it is not safe for the old people here.

I know you don't understand computers and stuff,

but don't you think you'd be much happier at home

with a nice rug over your knees,

snoozing and trumping away in front of the Antiques Roadshow?

SHOUTS: Do you want a biscuit?

TELEPHONE RINGS

Yes, I'm doing it now! I've got a bit of a situation.

So that's one for seniors line dancing, is it?

One for the gym, please.

Fine. But we can't be held responsible.

You're going to have to sign one of these.

-If I sign this, will you give me a key?

-Yes.

-OK.

And just one over there.

And sign here.

And one over here.

And the little one on the left.

That last one there

Before that one there.

-Hmm!

-Thank you.

TELEPHONE RINGS

I'm doing it now!

SHE SIGHS LOUDLY

Can we get a first aider to squash court two urgently?

That's a first aider to squash court two urgently.

There's a lady with a very severe injury down there.

And you might want to pop into the gym while you're at it,

just to be on the safe side.

Honestly, there's no helping some people.

Here's a tip I've always found works for me, um...

Don't play sport.

Don't wear goggles when swimming in a public pool.

It's usually best if you don't see what's floating in the water.

Don't make fun of anyone wearing boxing gloves.

Right, there you go.

-OK, who wants porridge?

-Stop it! Stop it now!

My name is Dave Pike and I'm here to tell you where danger lurks.

As a former stuntman, let me tell you what I see.

I see two kiddies and a lady wife unaware that they're in danger.

Now's not a good time, we're in a bit of a rush.

-I'm running late for work and I've got to do the school run.

-Idiot!

-What?

-Ignorant Dad Is Over Tired

and that is when accidents happen.

Family, please vacate the dining area.

I see a tray loaded with breakfast goodies.

Porridge, bananas, apple, spoons, yum.

-Were you about to walk them to the table?

-Yes.

Yet you haven't mentioned the risk involved in doing such a manoeuvre

-on a skateboard.

-I wasn't going to use a skateboard!

Oh, how many times have I heard that?

There's one in the hallway, bring it to me please.

Thank you.

Now if I was to place this here.

In order to save valuable time, I'm going to deliver the breakfast

on a skateboard, but look what happens.

SMASH!

Do you see how dangerous that was?

-Are you all right?

-I've got hot porridge in my eyes.

It hurts quite a lot, actually.

Hello?

Hello?

CROWD: Wow!

And now on Radio FIT,

guiding you aimlessly through the rest of the athletics,

it's our clueless commentators.

And you join us here live at the, erm...

-whatever this is.

-Erm...

-Balancing?

-It must be balancing. She's not doing anything else.

The Great British hope, it says here, is Asher Bradley, just 17.

That's steady as a rock there on the edge of the water hazard.

So young, but looking at that,

that is what I imagine to be Olympic-quality balancing.

She's in a beautiful stride. If she can keep this up,

she must be in medal contention for...

BUZZ! CROWD CHEERS

-Oh, my goodness!

-She's fallen in.

-They've all fallen in!

Well, that's got to be a photo finish. No way of calling that.

I imagine they were startled by the loud noise, but there you go.

Every single competitor at the balancing finals fell in at once.

The difference between gold and bronze at this level

is a fraction of a fraction of a second.

And they're all swimming to safety there.

That is a relief. Now back to Giles, who's with the man

who had obviously had quite enough of his big metal Frisbee. Giles?

WHISTLE BLOWS

It's here. Now That's What I Call Polite Football Chants.

44 of the nicest songs from the terraces.

With hits including Your Kit.

# Your Kit looks really nice on you! Do-da! Do-da!

# It makes your eyes look really blue Oh, the do-da-day! #

And referee's favourite - Another Great Decision.

# Another great decision!

# You've made another great decision!

# 20/20 vision!

# You've made another great decision... #

And the morale boosting Well Done.

CLAP-CLAP! CLAP-CLAP-CLAP CLAP-CLAP, CLAP-CLAP! Well done!

CLAP-CLAP! CLAP-CLAP-CLAP CLAP-CLAP, CLAP-CLAP! Well done!

And winner of The Most Sporting Song of the Year, When Both Teams.

# Oh, when both teams go marching in

# Oh, when the teams go marching in

# We don't mind who wins or loses

# It's the taking part that counts! #

CHEERING

Now That's What I Call Polite Football Chants, out now.

MUSIC STOPS, WHISTLE BLOWS

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One for breakfast.

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Call now!

And now it's time to re-join our clueless commentators trackside.

CHEERING

-No.

-No way.

-We're not doing this.

-You're just being silly now.

That's not a sport.

This is worse than that woman who keeps ruining the sandpit.

How's that? Yes!

APPLAUSE

What? It was out? He got caught out!

What?

I'm so sorry, I was miles away.

You know, sometimes, when your mind just wanders?

I don't suppose you could do it again?

I promise I'll pay attention this time.

CHEERING

SMASH! AUDIENCE: Whoa!

No, totes! I mean, I don't mind sailing around the world,

but like I'd do it on my own. That'd be so boring.

-LOUD MUSIC PLAYS >

-No, totes, don't worry about it.

No-one knows there's anyone else on board.

-Jessica, would you like an ice cream?

-Oh, cheers, Sebastian.

Did you know that the live webcam is still on?

THUD! MAN: Ow!

Ye-e-e-e-es! Come on! Yes!

I did it! Yes!

Have a piece of that! Woohoo!

Mwah! Woohoo!

Thank you so much!

15-0.

I'll always remember what Wayne Rooney told me

the first time we played together.

NEVER put your blues in with your whites in the same wash.

Here's a sporting tip, why train for hours to win a swimming race

when you can just shout, "SHARK!" when you dive into the pool?

Swimming's the best all-round exercise there is.

Apart from Nordic skiing.

-But for that you'd have to go to Norway.

-And have skis.

We'll split our hour and a half session equally between freestyle...

-Breaststroke.

-Backstroke.

And butterfly, ensuring an all over muscle-toning workout.

-Come on!

-Have it!

-Get in!

And here's the cafe where we can reward ourselves afterwards

-with a healthy power cookie.

-Full of nuts and dried fruit.

-Mmm.

-Mm-hm.

There's only two left.

They'll probably be gone by the time we finish.

Reckon we should have our power cookies now, before our workout?

It would give us more energy.

We couldn't have them without two frothy coffees.

-No, that'd be like doing aerobics without stretching.

-Exactly.

Hello, can we have two power cookies and two frothy coffees, please?

-We'll be able to do about two hours after this.

-Yeah.

Although my mum always said that

you shouldn't go swimming after eating cos it gives you cramp.

Right. Everyone knows that.

Oh...we might just have to postpone until tomorrow.

Well, if we're going to go tomorrow,

we'll make sure it's a really tough workout.

Yeah, three hours distance training interspersed with sprints.

-And that'll burn an awful lot of calories.

-Yeah.

-Reckon we should carb-load now?

-That would be prudent.

Just to be on the safe side.

Can we have two cheesecake slices, two chocolate brownies

-and two blueberry muffins, please?

-And a Black Forest gateau.

-Two.

With cream.

It's all right, we're going swimming tomorrow.

Oh, look, there are more power cookies.

CHEERING

Agh! Agh! Ref! Ref! Ref?!

Sorry, what? I was miles away.

-He just came at me with his studs up.

-I never.

-Sorry, I totally wasn't paying attention.

-What?

Is that a sparrowhawk? I think that's a sparrowhawk.

You've got to be kidding!

No, you're right, it's a goshawk, isn't it?

Oh, well.

-Now, what were you saying? Free kick, is it?

-Yeah, but to who?

Well, obviously it's a free kick to... Oh, a heron.

Sorry, miss. I can't do PE today, I've got a note.

I've got an appointment at the orthodontist

to get my brace tightened.

Yeah, miss, I can't do it either. My dad told me not to.

I think it's something to do with politics.

Hey, Chad Stevens here, showing you how to save time

with my top time-saving tips.

If time saving was a sport, I'd have a gold medal,

and I'd have time to polish that medal,

get fingerprints on it and polish it again.

Want to put your pyjamas on?

Save time in the morning -

get your kids to sleep in their school uniform.

When they wake up, they'll be ready to go learn.

Oh, I think I need a shower.

Bonus tip - save time by not getting undressed.

-But I'll get wet.

-Shhh! Time saved.

Job done!

GASPING

-Excuse me?

-Yes.

-I've dropped my locker keys in the pool.

-Well, go and get them.

But it's in the deep end and I'm not a very good swimmer.

So you just thought you'd come and ask me to do it. Is that it?

Well...

-HE LAUGHS

-I don't believe I'm hearing this.

For a start, I'd have to take off my sunglasses.

-I didn't think about that.

-No.

It doesn't sound like you do a lot of thinking, does it?

-Can you get them?

-Right.

Well, this is going to need re-ironing, isn't it?

I just hope for your sake it's worth it.

It's not really what we... Oh, whoops!

Sorry about that, but whilst you're there,

this little girl's just lost her locker keys. Would you mind?

You're welcome.

Believe you can win, and if you didn't win, believe you did.

Basically, just kid yourself.

If you get athlete's foot, find out which athlete it belongs to

and just give it back.

CLOCK TICKS

Yes! That's chess.

The Australian team has been disqualified

from the Basketball World Championships

after it was discovered that five of their players

were actually kangaroos.

You may have heard about Jessica McAlister,

the 17-year-old who is attempting to become

the youngest woman to sail solo around the world.

Well, we have established a live link-up with her as she nears

the end of her voyage, and I think we can go over to her live now.

Jessica...

-# La la la la la, la... #

-Jessica.

# La la la, la La la la la, la... #

-Jessica!

-# La la la... #

She doesn't seem to be able to hear us above all that music.

Jessica McAlister there, trying to become the youngest woman

to sail solo around the world... with all her friends.

Are you boxing then? Thought so.

The ring, the boxing gloves, the shorts.

"That man..." I said, "..is boxing."

Yeah, that's good, moving around.

Concentrate, you need to concentrate. And keep your guard up.

-Oh, and mind your shoelace!

-Huh?

Sorry, sorry.

I thought your shoelace was undone, but it's not, ignore me.

-Shut up!

-All right, calm down. You need to control your anger.

Oh, and mind your shoelace! Sorry, that was me again.

I keep on thinking your shoelace is undone, but it's not.

By the way, when he goes to hit you, try and dodge out of the way,

that way you won't get hit.

Right.

BOXER GROWLS Oh, my shoelace is undone!

That could have caused a nasty accident.

Oh, dear, you've made a right fudge of that one, haven't you?

-REFEREE:

-One, two...

BELL RINGS WHACK!

CROWD CHEERS

Hey there, congratulations, we're on my 3,000th time-saving tip. Awesome.

Save time and the environment. Don't shower, it's boring.

Wash your car and yourself together.

See how easy it is to save time? And refreshing too!

-Don't forget to put conditioner on that.

-I don't have a towel!

No, but now he's got time to look for one.

Job done.

-WOMAN:

-You're soaking wet, you're not coming in the house like that.

Get out.

Always play with a smile on your face,

unless you're trying to get someone booked,

then pretend to cry like you've been injured.

How's that for perfect timing?

Thought we were going to be in traffic for ages.

-It's one minute till kick off.

-This is it, son.

I feel like I've been a United fan all my life,

just waiting for this one game.

The satellite fee is worth it for this match alone.

-Is this the TV remote?

-Wrong make. I think that's for the old telly.

-Right.

-No, that's for the DVD player. It must be this one.

-MUSIC PLAYS BOTH:

-Hi-fi.

Right.

-No.

-No.

-No.

-No.

-TOY:

-'Orange.'

-That's a toy.

-BOTH:

-No.

It will have started! I'm telling you, it's started!

Don't panic. We can try turning it on, ON the machine.

Yes, we can. Brilliant!

Where are the buttons?

-They've hidden the buttons, why have they hidden the buttons?

-Dad.

Yes, brilliant.

Well done, son.

-Oh, hang on a minute, we need the satellite remote.

-Oh!

Oh, are you not watching the match?

If you're not, do you mind if I watch the soap omnibus?

-EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS ON TV BOTH:

-Oh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd