Episode 9 Fit

Hello. This is the FIT O'clock News. Our top stories today...

the World Figure Skating Championships were postponed today

after a number of skaters fell over in exactly the same spot

during their routines.

A British heavyweight boxer has taken the world champion's belt.

He also got his trousers,

shirt and shoes after sneaking into his changing room.

We now go over live to this year's charity marathon,

where Patricia Johnson is at the finishing line.

Congratulations, guys, what a staggering effort.

26.2 miles dressed as a donkey.

How are you feeling, guys?

Absolutely exhausted.

-I bet you are.

-This weighs a ton.

Yeah, it's a miracle we finished the race at all.

I've had a knee problem for a few weeks now.

The training's really taken its toll.

But, with some extra strapping, the old knee held up.

But it was for a really good cause, so it was definitely worth it.

What's the cause again?

A donkey sanctuary, obviously.

Of course. How much have you raised?

Over to Rob for that one.

How do you mean?

Well, you were doing the sponsorship.

No, you said you were going to sort that.

The costumes.

I said I was going to sort the costume.

-You were doing the sponsorship forms.

-You were going to do them.

It was your job. This is a disaster!

-We've just run 26 miles for nothing.

-It was all right for you.

My face was this far away from your bum. And he had a curry last night!

At least I didn't forget to get any sponsorship!

It was your job!

It was your job!

You should've done the sponsorship!

< I hate you!

What fun! Back to the studio.

We all love salad, especially if you're keeping

an eye on your calories. But it can be an awful lot of bother.

So here's a simple shortcut that I use when I know

I ought to have salad, but can't be faffed to actually have some.

This lettuce, if you look there, is toast that I've dyed green.

And these tomatoes are actually fried eggs that I've painted red.

And these healthy-looking green beans are chips.

And the sausage can be, I don't know, peppers or something.

There. Basically most of a fried breakfast.

Mmm!

And that's how to cheat at salad.

Welcome to the insult boxing, I'm Ian Solent.

Here's the fight we've all been waiting for.

"Low Blow" McCann taking on this exciting new talent,

-Rudi "Rude Boy" Johnson.

-Box!

-BELL RINGS

-And there's the bell.

Haven't I seen you on telly, mate?

Yeah, your haircut was in Greatest Ever Natural Disasters.

Oh, nice opening from Johnson,

you can tell that really hurt McCann.

Nice breath, mate. What you been eating?

A dog's bum?

Oh, that one connected as well! Johnson softening him up.

You're just like a superhero - dressed in ladies tights,

no-one knows who you are in real life and you look better wearing a mask.

Oh, nice little combination! This could all be over in seconds!

Your mum's so stupid, she thought an eye patch was a laptop for pirates.

Oh, he's made a mistake there.

Your mum's so stupid, she thinks Hogwarts is a disease for pigs.

He had the fight won, now he's trading "your mum's"

-with the expert!

-Your mum's so old...

she babysat for Adam and Eve.

Your mum's so old she went to school in black and white.

That's not going to hurt anyone. Johnson's weakening.

He's in trouble!

Your mum's so ugly, she escaped from a fire

and the fireman carried her back in.

-Oh!

-HE WHIMPERS

Oh, my word!

That's it! It's all over!

Johnson's corner have thrown in the towel,

McCann remains the undisputed world insult boxing champion.

-MAN SOBS

-Sorry, mate, I didn't mean it.

No!

I think it's a bit late for that.

BELL RINGS

I like jacket potatoes...

but I don't like trouser potatoes.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Oi! No dive-bombing!

Have you got any idea how long it took me to blow-dry this hair?

Two hours. Be more responsible.

CHEERING

GLASS SMASHES

CROWD GROAN

Check it, it's your boy Z-BRASH462 kicking it in the kitchen

with my top girl Hilary.

Ninja567283.

And we're ready to lay down the truth. Check it.

How to wash your trainers.

First of all, we're going to need a pair of proper rank trainers. Boom.

Whoa! Those are toe-cally trashed.

True that. Now it's time for your boy Z-BRASH462 to bring the pain

to the game.

With a bowl of soapy water and a toothbrush.

What kind of bristles is you sporting on that toothbrush, sis?

-Medium/soft bristles, bruv.

-Just use any old toothbrush.

-Yeah, I found this next to his bathroom sink.

-No!

-You said use any old toothbrush.

-I said use any OLD toothbrush.

Any old toothbrush.

Any OLD.

My kicks have been scrubbed up real nice but I want to get them

reeeeeeeeeeeaaaal nice.

-There's only one thing for it.

-The washing machine.

-Boom.

Don't just throw them in there, man.

All right, chill out, man.

You're want to make sure this bad boy's on the right cycle.

-Not too hot.

-Not too cold.

But just right.

Laters.

Hilary, pop the hood.

What?

Looks like I set the dial too hot, bruv.

Should get like a dog or something - these would look phat on a puppy.

Turn off the camera. Turn it off!

HE WHIMPERS

You all right?

All right.

It's five items or less, love.

Hurry up, there's people waiting.

There's five.

Sorry, Miss, I can't do rugby today.

I've got a note. I've got a broken toe and I have to keep it elevated.

Yeah, Miss, I can't do it either. My knees are bandy.

Look at them.

And now on Radio FIT, guiding you aimlessly through the rest

of the athletics, it's our clueless commentators.

You join us here at the, erm...

No idea what this is. Helen?

No, I'm no expert on this, whatever this is.

There are people in shorts,

they're...bobbing up and down as if they're trying to remember

how to do...whatever it is this is.

Yes, this certainly does look like it's going to be a...

thrilling...whatever this is.

When they start doing it... We haven't missed it, have we?

Just a minute, there's a man there with a gun.

Maybe he's the bird scarer.

I was hit full in the face by a rook once, cost me the bronze.

MAN FIRES GUN

And this will be in the end-of-year round ups.

The bird scarer has just fired his gun into the air

and scared all of the competitors.

They've all run away, around the track.

It's just like one of those races...with the people.

And they're all in a terrible hurry to get somewhere.

And let's hope that's a long way away because we've got to go

to Giles, who's at the thing

with the people throwing the stick. Giles.

Oh!

The Misspelt Games!

You join us at the outdoor range for what promises to be

one of the highlights of the day - the mountain biting.

French hopeful Jean-Paul Jean Eduard

Jean Marie Jean Christophe Jean Jean Jeanterhome

takes on the Spanish champ,

Consuella De Diego Del Dino De Dante De Dadio.

-Quite a mouthful.

-As is the event.

Worth reminding our viewers not to try this at home.

Quite. These people had years of training.

And very little brain.

MAN FIRES GUN And they're off.

Sinking their teeth into the mountain.

These are tournament-standard mountains for this class of event.

A pair of weighted granite outcrops sourced from the Swiss Alps -

very hard on the molars.

De Dario clearly struggling there.

And there it is.

Jeanterhome, the gentleman of mountain biting, has won.

To think his critics said he'd bitten off more than he could chew!

Now that he'd chew the lump of granite in his mouth, of course -

that's against the rules of mountain biting.

That would wipe the smile off your face.

My favourite food? Er, well, it's baked bean...

PHRRT!

It's baked beans... PHRRT!

It's, er, it's baked beans. PHRRT!

My favourite food is baked beans. PHRRT!

I'll eat anything, me.

The other day I even ate horse. That's H-O-R-S-E.

Oh, I love Alphabetti Spaghetti.

PHRRT! My favourite food is baked bean...

PHRRT!

My favourite food is mixed salad.

As long as it's mixed with chips.

PHRRT!

It's baked beans. It's... PHRRT!

BLOWS WHISTLE

Oi! Did you just push him in?

Sorry.

I got splashed. There's chlorine in that water.

Have you got any idea what that can do to a man's fake tan?

-No.

-It can wash it clean off.

I'm going to have to go and get a re-spray because of you,

-so I hope you're happy.

-BLOWS WHISTLE

Right, that's it. Everyone out!

I mean it, all of you.

I've got to go and get my tan re-sprayed.

Blame him, it's all his fault.

Unbelievable.

-Hey there. I'm Chad Stevens.

-WATCH BEEPS

And yep, I think it's time-saving time.

Oh, yeah!

Planting your own vegetables is super ace healthy,

but it can take ages.

Save time by buying your vegetables from the supermarket

and then planting them.

Soon you can pick potatoes straight from the tree.

Bonus tip -

I can save time by not eating this.

Job done!

WHISTLE

It's the number one collectable card collecting phenomenon

that's sweeping the nation, although admittedly not very fast.

It's time to collect the Brian Butterfield Premier Football

Back-Room Staff collectable card collection.

So, get collecting.

There's the groundsman,

kit washer,

boot polisher,

toilet cleaner,

miscellaneous meat sandwich seller.

All the unsung heroes of your favourite football teams,

without whom your Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays,

Tuesdays, Wednesdays

and sometimes Thursdays and Fridays

just wouldn't be the same.

Accounts tabulator,

coach driver,

reserve team coach driver,

fluorescent guard,

football net knitter.

There are over 20,000 to collect.

Collect them all and swap them with your friends.

I'll swap you Manchester United's physio for the night watchman

-at the Arsenal Stadium.

-Brilliant.

I only the need the lawyer who finalises the paperwork

for the sponsorship deals and I've got myself the complete set.

Keep your collection in pristine condition

in this Brian Butterfield

commemorative cabinet.

Got, got, need,

got, need, got...

At least a half-hour of fun!

These cards are a must-have for football fans everywhere.

Available now in all newsagents' willing to sell them.

Collect now!

From the people who brought you table football...

comes the ultimate challenge.

Table Waterpolo.

You'll only be playing one game this year,

because it's impossible to score.

Oi, no spinning!

This is rubbish.

Table Waterpolo, from the company that brought you Table Ski Jumping,

Table Orienteering and Table Husky Racing, all games still in stock.

We haven't sold any.

Table Waterpolo. Water not included.

Do you know which one of these is the badminton lines?

Erm...

That one!

Ah!

This doesn't feel right.

No. Oh, that one there, definitely.

Ah!

-I don't think this is right either.

-Er...

Oh, hang on, it's those ones. Yeah.

Oh, sorry!

Er... Oh, no, that's too floppy.

Oh, is it that one?

-That's football.

-That one.

-Hockey.

-Is it that one?

-Volleyball.

-Is it that one?

-Chess.

-That one?

-Trampolining.

-That one.

-Cat racing.

-That one.

-That's professional forward rolling.

Is it that one?

That's a helipad.

Oh, it's that one.

Yes.

Here we go. Badminton time.

Ah!

Sorry.

Look, I'm going to look in the book.

-It's that one.

-Oh!

-Awesome.

-Let's badminton.

All right!

Time's up!

Need to set up for basketball.

-Same time next week?

-Yeah.

Duchner of Germany.

This throw could take him onto the medal board.

Quite a character. His little rituals, little lift of the shirt.

Pretending he can't find the hammer. Oh, there it is.

Nice to see that even under this sort of pressure,

these athletes have a human side.

Weighing up the hammer, getting the measure of it.

Go for the handle end. That's the regulation grip.

Here we go, taking the strain...

Whirling round and round.

Oh, it's a blur! And there it goes!

It must be three, four inches, absolutely incredible.

And he's happy with that.

He'll be looking forward to a silver medal.

And because he didn't wet himself, some chocolate buttons

and a tiger sticker.

-Penalty, ref! Yes!

-BLOWS WHISTLE

Come on!

Yes!

Come on! Yes!

Come on! Have some of that then!

Woo!

Yeah!

Yeah! Ah!

Ooh!

Yeah! Wow!

Wow. That was... That was such a surprise.

I haven't even prepared a speech.

Firstly, I'd like to thank my central midfielder Jermaine.

If it hadn't been for him diving in the box

and rolling around like he'd been attacked by a swarm of angry wasps,

that penalty would never have been possible.

This is for you, mate.

I'd also like to thank the rest of the team.

Couldn't have done it without you boys.

Well, maybe not Andy - terrible player.

I'd like to thank my beautiful girlfriend Leticia.

Oh, sorry, Janine. I've got a new girlfriend.

I should have told you earlier. But you know how... WHISTLE

Oh, it's finished.

What happened, lads?

We lost, they won. Thanks for nothing, mate.

Can I still keep this?

I take that as a yes.

I'm a vegetarian but I love hot dogs.

I mean, I figure it's OK cos there's no real meat in them.

What are my favourite foods? Er...

I need to call my agent.

Hello, Terry, yeah, it's me.

Erm, what foods am I endorsing at the moment?

Right, got you.

Er, whatever he says.

Hey there, Chad Stevens here with even more of my super awesome

time-saving tips. I've decided to do this bit really fast so you can save even more time.

Going on vacation takes ages.

There's aeroplanes, taxis, buses, hostels, tents, luggage,

rows about who lost the passport. And all that takes time.

Such a drag! So why not save time

by doing a staycation?

Yes, holiday at home!

Bonjourno, senoritas.

This is so awesome.

You guys have saved so much time.

I wanted to go to Spain.

Shh!

Another great job. Tres bien,

tres fast.

-Can I go now, Mum?

-No.

-CROWD:

-Wow!

Yeah, I take my sport pretty seriously.

If I'm watching on television,

I like to get the best equipment I can.

I want quadraphonic wrap-around sound. I want 60-inch plasma.

The works.

Yeah. Well, I reckon we've got exactly what you're after.

This is the latest in 4D TV.

-It's like you're at the actual stadium itself.

-4D?

Absolutely.

Put these on and try it for yourself.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Here we go.

See? Incredibly realistic.

-Well?

-I don't really like motor sport.

All right, check this out.

-COMMENTATOR:

-Huge kick from the fly half there, soaring up the field.

-The pack are giving chase...

-So what do you reckon?

Does it look like they're coming at you?

Nah.

-COMMENTATOR:

-No tricks have been left in the dressing room.

Oh, look at that!

Now, that was quite impressive.

Yeah. Let's try another channel.

And it couldn't be closer in this,

the last round, as the world record javelin thrower starts his run up.

-And there it comes.

-Ah!

-Oh!

-Where you going?

-He's done it!

It comes with a lifetime guarantee.

Sorry, Miss, I can't do weights today. I've got a note.

I've been having dizzy spells and I'm not allowed to strain myself.

Yeah, Miss, I can't do it either.

I do magic spells and, erm, I'm not allowed to...

rain myself.

And you join us here at the... whatever this is.

Some people there...in a hurry.

And there's the woman from the country with the blue flag

in easily the biggest hurry.

Closely followed by the one who looks a little bit like

the old Doctor Who.

Coming up behind them, it's the woman with the hair.

And coming up in the rear, the one who was on Sport Relief.

In fact, it looks as though she's trying to beat the woman

from the country with the blue flag to wherever she's going,

possibly to catch a plane to the country with the blue flag.

-Or a boat.

-That would be good. You're an expert on boats.

I'll be ready.

Sorry!

-Soup's ready, chef.

-Right, well I'll be tasting it -

if you don't taste, you won't know if it's seasoned properly.

Give it here. Right.

Right, it needs more salt.

More salt, chef.

Right.

Mm, it's not bad actually.

Yeah.

Mmm!

Yeah.

Yeah, that's really nice, that. You know what?

Erm...

SHE BURPS

You could lay off the salt next time.

-Leg of lamb's ready, chef.

-Oh, don't mind if I do.

Welcome back to the World's Weakest Man competition.

And it simply couldn't be more exciting.

With me is Derek Featherstone, former World's Weakest Man winner.

Derek, who's your tip for the title?

Agh, it's too heavy!

Argh!

Well, for me it's a two-horse race.

-Still got it, Derek.

-Ah!

You've still got it.

CROWD GASP

Come on, Monty, you need some fresh air and exercise.

Take the dog for a walk.

-WEARILY:

-OK.

Go on!

Fetch!

We all love swimming, but sometimes it can be an awful lot of bother.

So here's a simple shortcut I use

when I can't be faffed to actually go swimming.

You'll need one of these. It's a wet towel.

And I simply rub it in my hair.

There. And for that post-exercise glow...

..rosy cheeks. You'd think I'd just done 20 lengths,

whereas in fact I've just been in bed finishing off a fried breakfast.

Mm, sausages.

You been swimming?

Ah,

yes! And that's how to cheat at swimming.

My favourite food is shepherd's pie, but I have to say that

because Mum makes them.

She's over there. All right, mum.

They're disgusting.

-I can't go.

-Checkmate.

I have checked, mate, I can't go.

No, checkmate.

I have checked mate, I can't go.

Checkmate.

I still can't go.

SHE GRUNTS

SHE GRUNTS

-SHE GRUNTS

-Hello?

SHE GRUNTS

Excuse me... anybody? >

WHIMPERING

Please.

I'm afraid of heights. I want to get down, please...

180!

I mean, look at the quality of that picture.

It's like you're at the actual match.

-COMMENTATOR:

-He's knocked that for six, it's sailing through the air.

Oh, he's been caught out! Unbelievable.

Woo! Come on!

-Go on!

-Champions!

Champions!

Come on!

For some reason he's still holding onto the ball, though.

The game really can't continue without the ball.

Oh, sorry!

SCREEN SMASHES

What you doing?!

You're going to have to pay for that now.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd