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Pennod 5

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-Owsa, Owsa, wowsa,

-and a good morning to you all.

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-It's the societies

-and careers' fair today...

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-..for those of you who won't go on

-to become multimedia superstars.

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-Ahem!

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-The fair starts at 10.00am and

-Miss Dearth is here to tell us more.

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-Shoot, Miss D.

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-Everybody is welcome

-to visit the careers' fair.

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-For those of you don't attend...

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-..you're welcome

-to stay behind after school...

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-..every day for a week.

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-Thank you, Miss Dearth.

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-You'd be silly to miss it.

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-Right, Mr Roberts.

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-We've already received complaints.

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-I made a point of not having beans

-for breakfast today.

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-The institutions

-aren't happy to share the hall...

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-..with the alternative societies.

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-That lad with the pig mask

-looked very alternative.

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-Raymond Hughes

-from the Pig Petting Society.

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-He's trying

-to get people to adopt a pig.

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-What about the smell?

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-If the pigs aren't complaining,

-who am I to intervene?

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-We don't want him in the hall.

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-We don't want him in the hall.

-

-Who else will be sent here?

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-Power To Pensioners, a society

-for body-building grandmothers.

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-I'm sure 20-inch biceps

-come in handy for playing bingo.

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-Miss Dearth, someone

-was looking for you in the hall.

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-Camouflage clothes and a haversack.

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-Must be Emlyn Francis,

-one of these back-to-nature guys.

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-He's a survivalist,

-like that Ray Mears.

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-He thinks

-we should all live off the land.

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-Eating snails and badgers.

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-And never using a toothbrush.

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-Is he related to Deiniol?

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-There'll be a few more stalls

-down here too.

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-With a bit of luck, it won't

-detract from the proper fair.

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-Excellent. It's a good idea keeping

-the wild and wacky things here.

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-Precisely, and you're just the man

-to keep them in line.

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-Excellent. What?

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-Yes, you'll make sure

-that it all goes smoothly here.

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-If it doesn't, then you

-won't need a toothbrush either.

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-Where's Siwgr?

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-I don't take sugar.

-How are things going in the hall?

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-Same as every year.

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-The army wants you to shoot people,

-doctors want you to cure them.

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-The only one worth a look-in

-is the radio and TV stall.

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-Radio and TV? There's

-a radio and television stall?

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-Yes, and a proper DJ too.

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-Another DJ, I mean.

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-Do you want to go over

-and take a look?

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-Why should I?

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-Do you remember Robert Evans,

-who was in school two years ago?

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-He moved to Cardiff.

-He's working as a DJ now.

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-Robert Evans? Robert...?

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-You do know him.

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-# Round the clock with Bobi Roc #

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-He seems nice.

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-Nice?

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-He refused my help to carry

-his decks for the school disco.

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-He said

-mean things about me on the mic.

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-Everybody laughed at me.

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-Everybody laughed at me.

-

-So?

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-He'll see who's the DJ now.

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-Of course, he only broadcasts

-on a national radio show...

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-..not a school radio...

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-..with a signal that doesn't

-reach as far as the science lab.

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-He might help you

-become a proper DJ.

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-Not that you aren't one now.

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-I'm not going to see him.

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-What would he think about DJ Owsa

-leaving the mic to grovel?

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-No, if I'm going

-to talk to Bobi Roc...

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-..he can come here

-and see the boss in HQ.

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-That's the least he can do.

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-What are you doing?

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-What are you doing?

-

-I've bought some stale sandwiches.

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-I thought

-we could sell them at the fair.

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-But they're green.

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-Lettuce is green

-and people eat that. Fibre.

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-Are maggots full of fibre too?

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-No, silly. Protein.

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-Pretty, aren't they?

-They're Saddlebacks.

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-Recon over.

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-No bogies. Repeat, no bogies.

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-Who's he?

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-The Back-to-the-Wild Society.

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-He tried to light a fire on the yard

-by rubbing the heads...

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-..of two Year 8 boys together.

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-Mr Roberts.

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-Easy, tiger.

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-Clear. You can never be too careful.

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-Emlyn Francis. See these fingers?

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-Each one of them's a weapon.

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-My hands are like

-a Swiss army knife.

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-Lovely.

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-I'm sure your mother had trouble

-finding gloves for you.

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-Deiniol...

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-..find a table for him.

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-"To Emlyn, you're much better

-at surviving than me, lad.

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-"Kiss, kiss, Ray Mears."

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-I didn't know Ray Mears spoke Welsh.

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-This table's wonky.

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-Help yourself to any table you want.

-Each one's a table.

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-Apart from these that are desks.

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-Put that down...

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-..or you'll be wearing

-your backside as a balaclava.

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-You're welcome to my table...

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-..but you'll have to

-arm wrestle me for it.

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-No, it's fine. This table's ideal.

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-You can make one out of squirrels

-and nettles, like Ray Mears does.

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-Mr Roberts. Can I... help you?

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-You've a poor grip. It's like

-gripping a bag full of air.

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-I'm representing

-Power To Pensioners.

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-The others

-have gone to buy steroids.

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-It's 50% off for pensioneers today.

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-Which table do you want me to have?

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-Any one you want.

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-Any one at all.

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-Lovely.

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-Do you know what's wrong with Owain?

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-He looks like he's seen a ghost.

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-Worse than that. He looks like

-someone who's about to see a ghost.

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-Do you know that DJ in the hall

-called Bobi Roc?

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-He wants him

-to come over and see him...

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-..so that Owsa can show off.

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-He wants to get his revenge for

-something that happened years ago.

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-He sent me

-to ask Bobi Roc to come over.

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-Why would a proper DJ want to see

-Owain making a fool of himself?

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-Exactly, and now I've got to

-tell him that Bobi would prefer...

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-..to have his pants

-burnt off with a blowtorch...

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-..than come over to see

-an amateur funk monkey rehearse.

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-You're going to tell him that?

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-Geth!

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-Good luck.

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-Well? Is Bobi Roc

-coming to the studio or what?

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-He says...

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-He says he's too busy.

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-Typical. Robert Evans

-really thinks he's somebody now.

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-He's probably having photos taken

-and signing autographs.

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-Celebs are all the same.

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-Celebs are all the same.

-

-No, he was playing Angry Birds.

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-I don't think he wants to come over.

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-Do you want to buy one?

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-Are they mildew, Deins?

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-Only on the outside.

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-Don't stray too far from the toilet.

-You'll be needing it quite soon.

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-Toilet.

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-You're a genius, Ows.

-The bog's the answer.

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-How much

-are those sandwiches, Deins?

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-I'm seen more life

-in a plateful of fish fingers.

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-Sort it out...

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-..or you'll

-be on detention for a month.

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-A month on my own in a classroom?

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-This lot will be joining you.

-Got it?

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-Excellent.

-Who would you like to see first?

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-Mrs Sykes has

-some amusing talents she can share.

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-Different!

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-This line of tables looks like

-that speed dating programme.

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-Speed dating. That's it,

-that's what'll attract the pupils.

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-Five minutes to talk before

-moving on to the next person.

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-And leaving alone.

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-How do you know

-about speed dating, sir?

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-I read an article about it

-in GG Monthly.

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-The next record is for someone...

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-..whose first name begins with B

-and surname begins with R...

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-..and he makes everyone rock.

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-I'm ready for some rock. Are you?

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-Here's Crys with Barod Am Roc.

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-Bobi?

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-Oh, it's you. Well? What's

-the score with that important DJ?

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-Did he eat the sandwich or what?

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-After Deins spread almost

-an entire pot of pickle on it...

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-..to hide the mildew, it didn't

-look like a sandwich any more.

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-I won't say what it did look like

-but it wasn't a sandwich.

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-What did he say?

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-Not much. His mouth was full.

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-Not much. His mouth was full.

-

-Thanks, Geth.

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-It's just a matter of time now.

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-This is going to be

-a memorable meeting.

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-Jason.

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-Lads.

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-They're cleverer than dogs

-and more easy going than cats.

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-They're always there for you.

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-They're always there for you.

-

-Uncle Brendan had one called Tripod.

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-He saved my cousin from a fire

-by carrying him on its back.

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-Uncle Brendan won't hear

-a bad word said about Tripod.

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-He only had three legs.

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-He only had three legs.

-

-Did he lose one in the fire?

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-No. Uncle Brendan thought

-so much of him after the fire...

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-..he thought it was ungrateful

-to eat him all in one go.

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-Scratchings?

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-I stared in her eyes,

-helped her hold the giblets...

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-..ripped them out of the rat's mouth

-and snapped its backbone.

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-That was the most romantic meal

-I've ever had.

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-The thing is,

-when you reach a certain age...

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-..having someone to support you

-and share things with you...

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-..and do the little things...

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-..like mix

-your bulking supplements...

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-..gets harder to find.

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-How did you

-lose your husband, Brenda?

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-In an awful accident.

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-Oh, sorry to hear that.

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-He mixed the bottle of fake tan

-with the super-booster energy drink.

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-Ooh, sounds delicious.

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-And that's enough to kill you?

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-Yes...

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-..when you do it to me.

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-Excuse me, mate,

-where are the toilets?

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-In there.

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-In there.

-

-Bobi Roc! Bobi Roc!

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-He's here, Ows!

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-He'll soon see

-who's the mi-mi-mixmaster.

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-Listen, Ows,

-let him come over in his own time.

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-He obviously has

-other things on his mind.

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-Yes, you're right. That'd be best.

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-Sorry, Geth, I can't pass up

-an opportunity as good as this.

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-I can't tell you

-how much of a pleasure it is...

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-..to have someone

-as famous as you...

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-..coming here

-especially to listen to me.

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-We've so much in common.

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-We've so much in common.

-

-I need the toilet. Please!

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-Me too. It's nerves, I think.

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-Please!

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-Please!

-

-A couple of records first.

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-Can I take off this sack?

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-Take off that sack and he'll

-recognize us. We'll be in trouble.

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-No, it's good for the acoustics.

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-It helps you concentrate.

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-I'm surprised you didn't

-bring your own Dr Dre sack.

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-Right, the next track

-is only 10-minutes long.

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-I might just play it twice.

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-Four.

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-Four.

-

-Four? Come on.

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-Five.

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-Come on! Oh, stay down there, lad.

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-Call yourself a soldier? You're not

-fit enough to play Call of Duty.

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-Come on, Ray,

-there's nothing here for us.

0:16:340:16:37

-Back to the jungle?

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-Yes, I want to put up a bivouac

-and check the traps.

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-Mam and Fifi the poodle

-will worry if I'm not home soon.

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-This isn't good enough.

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-The place is empty.

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-If you don't want to be

-on yard duty for a month...

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-..do something

-to liven the place up.

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-Alright. No problem at all.

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-Have you seen Bobi Roc from the BBC?

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-No.

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-Bobi? Oh, Bobi?

0:17:220:17:24

-What are those?

0:17:400:17:42

-That camouflage guy

-left his shopping here.

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-There are no labels on the tins,

-just odd writing.

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-A nice surprise in every tin.

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-You might think you're having beans

-and then, surprise...

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-..you have beans and sausages

-or something instead.

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-It will be a surprise...

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-..if you call having to pick up

-your head from next door a surprise.

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-What?

0:18:080:18:10

-What?

-

-Have you looked at the writing?

0:18:100:18:13

-"Nulbelkeret hand granat."

0:18:130:18:16

-Deiniol, you've a bag

-full of hand grenades.

0:18:160:18:20

-You know,

-those things that blow people up.

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-Beans do that to Dad too.

0:18:250:18:27

-That idiot in the camouflage

-has brought bombs to school.

0:18:270:18:31

-What are we going to do?

0:18:320:18:33

-What are we going to do?

-

-No, Deiniol...

0:18:330:18:34

-..what are you going to do?

0:18:350:18:37

-Is he OK?

-He hasn't moved for five minutes.

0:18:440:18:47

-He's enjoying the show -

-His Master's Voice.

0:18:470:18:51

-I don't think he's breathing.

0:18:510:18:53

-I don't think he's breathing.

-

-Of course he is.

0:18:530:18:55

-Isn't he?

0:18:560:18:57

-You've gone too far

-with this revenge lark.

0:18:570:19:01

-It's all his fault.

-I don't want to be a DJ.

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-No need to panic

-but I've left a bag here...

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-..full of personal items.

0:19:300:19:33

-Blowing-people-up items?

0:19:330:19:36

-Geth! Geth! Do something.

0:19:400:19:43

-Help! Help!

-I've been locked in the studio!

0:19:460:19:50

-With two terrorists!

-Please, someone help me!

0:19:500:19:54

-Terrorists?

0:19:540:19:56

-Geth, what are you doing?

0:19:570:19:59

-Shut it, Bobi!

0:20:000:20:01

-Sorry, but I'm going to have to!

0:20:020:20:03

-Sorry, but I'm going to have to!

-

-Don't come near me with that!

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-No! No! Please!

0:20:060:20:08

-What's happening? That's the voice

-of Bobi Roc from the BBC.

0:20:080:20:13

-Hostage situation. Classic case.

0:20:130:20:16

-What should we do?

0:20:160:20:17

-What should we do?

-

-Fly in low with the choppers...

0:20:170:20:19

-..bail out at 200 feet,

-Bravo-Two-Zero.

0:20:200:20:23

-Pop-pop, double tap.

-DOA and Elvis has left the building.

0:20:230:20:28

-Is he sane?

0:20:290:20:30

-Everyone responds to stress

-in different ways.

0:20:310:20:34

-Someone has to go in there.

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-I have to go, Mam's made lobscouse.

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-Stop, you baby!

0:20:440:20:46

-Out of my way!

0:20:460:20:48

-Here he is. Here he is.

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-I'll have to take him outside

-for some fresh air. Kiss of life.

0:20:590:21:04

-Help!

0:21:080:21:09

-Help!

-

-That's what I call speed dating!

0:21:090:21:12

-Bobi Roc from the BBC, are you OK?

0:21:190:21:23

-You've been rescued.

0:21:230:21:26

-You're too late.

0:21:270:21:29

-You're just too late.

0:21:300:21:32

-Excuse me?

0:21:380:21:40

-I still have a problem.

0:21:420:21:44

-No!!

0:21:530:21:54

-Wise up. It's only dog food.

0:21:570:22:00

-Ray Mears reckons you could live

-for a fortnight on the protein.

0:22:000:22:05

-What about the German writing?

0:22:050:22:06

-What about the German writing?

-

-I wrote it.

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-Mam doesn't understand German.

0:22:080:22:10

-If she knew I was helping myself

-to Fifi's food...

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-..I'd live in a tent

-for the rest of my life.

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-But if it's a choice

-between Fifi and me...

0:22:200:22:25

-..then Fifi goes without

-her meaty chunks.

0:22:260:22:30

-So, Gethin, you say that

-the whole thing was an exhibition?

0:22:370:22:42

-Yes, Miss. It was Owain's idea.

0:22:420:22:45

-He would've told you himself but he

-was too busy gargling soapy water.

0:22:460:22:51

-That woman was wearing aftershave.

0:22:510:22:54

-He thought it'd be a good idea to

-give the gang a practical exercise.

0:22:540:22:59

-The aim was to show the importance

-of working together in society.

0:22:590:23:04

-So he pretended to kidnap Bobi Roc.

0:23:080:23:12

-From the BBC?

0:23:120:23:15

-Yes, and it gave everyone

-a chance to work together.

0:23:150:23:19

-Like being back in the 'Stan.

0:23:190:23:22

-It was very amusing.

0:23:230:23:24

-It was very amusing.

-

-No, it wasn't.

0:23:240:23:27

-Where's Bobi Roc from the BBC?

0:23:270:23:29

-He had to leave.

0:23:290:23:32

-Yes, he went a lot sooner

-than he expected.

0:23:320:23:37

-Indeed.

0:23:370:23:39

-Surprisingly, today has turned out

-to be a success, Mr Roberts.

0:23:410:23:47

-Well done.

0:23:470:23:49

-Well done, everyone.

0:23:500:23:52

-I think you should all celebrate

-with a sandwich.

0:23:570:24:02

-Sorry if there's too much pickle.

-Take two, Emlyn.

0:24:040:24:07

-That's what the SAS'd do. Enjoy.

0:24:070:24:10

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

0:24:160:24:18

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