Episode 4 Hacker's Winter Olympic Rundown


Episode 4

Hacker has been glued to the Winter Olympics and is here to offer his thoughts on yesterday's coverage - whether you want them or not.


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Transcript


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You all right?

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Welcome to my Olympic Rundown.

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Today's top stories.

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Christopher Dean eats selection

of takeaways before he gets

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to studio.

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Tell me what impressed you most

today.

The Chinese, clearly.

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Canadian skaters can't

reach their meat for dinner.

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The stakes are so high for these

two.

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And Clare Balding says,

"Hurdy hurdy hurdy"

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I've been a bit concerned

that my show's not been going well.

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So I asked the snowboarding

commentators to take a

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look at today's jokes

before we went on air.

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I hope they liked them.

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I'm going to rip up this script.

That has gone.

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Ah!

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Er...

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What do I do now, Derek?

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Just do what you always do, Hacker.

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Talk rubbish for

roughly five minutes.

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Oh, and throw in an

occasional talking prop!

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Oh, yeah!

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Turns out I'm not the only one

having trouble with my script.

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Christopher Dean was having

trouble from the get-go.

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Well, I was really surprised how

good and technical they were, and

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artistic, from the go get.

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You got it the round way wrong.

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Christopher was there to talk

about the figure skating.

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And something very unsavoury

happened before the event.

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And Howrah go, she dropped her phone

into a non-flushed toilet. -- one

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hour ago.

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Urgh!

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Unfortunately they couldn't

save the phone, but commentator

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Robin Cousins did manage to fish

out her headphones.

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They were not the prettiest, or the

cleanest, but they were there.

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They were not the prettiest, or

the cleanest, but they were there.

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Ooh, I tell you what.

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The camera loves Robin Cousins.

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Particularly the back of his head.

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White two look at his neck. Robin

cousins' neck. I am going to focus

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on the back of his ears.

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And I'm pleased to say that the back

of Robin Cousins' head joins us now.

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Hello, Hacker.

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Hello, the back of

Robin Cousins' head.

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You do look nice, but I think you're

missing a certain something.

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Does anyone have any spare headgear?

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Hey, did you notice that the Korean

ice hockey team stopped for a game

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of Guess the Drawing halfway

through their match?

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Our hidden microphones

picked up everything.

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Is it a Gibbon, some ants in a

circle? There are the nasal

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passages, and it's lovely eyes.

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I was interested to see

this headline yesterday.

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I wonder why the men's

snowboard was so cross.

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First his helmet, and now me. I have

never been so cross.

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I was also surprised to hear

about some of the unusual

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staff working at the Olympics.

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Is there a nice temperature for

curling?

Yes, and the ice men will

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watch it through the games.

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I hear those ice men were also

judging the snowboarding.

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The judges will be melting.

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And I'm about to interview one

of the judges now in our

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lovely warm studio.

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Ah...

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We didn't think this

through, did we?

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Regular viewers will be familiar

with ongoing saga of the yellow

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square of carpet in the BBC studio.

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First Amy Williams

put both feet on it.

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Then Christopher Dean

only put one foot on it.

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But last night Clare Balding

shunned it completely.

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Well, the yellow

carpet is with us now

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to tell us its story.

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Yellow carpet, you must be feeling

humiliated after such a public snub?

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I just want Clare

to make an apology.

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Clare, anything to say?

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Heard eat, her be.

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That's good enough for me.

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Bye.

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Now it's time for my favourite

over-the-top reaction

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to the words "first run".

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First run!

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Now, everyone, I'm pleased to report

my fleas have finally gone.

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I think I last had them

when I was sitting on the left

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sleeve of a cream and orange jumper

with a zigzag pattern on it.

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Aah!

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Skating commentator Katherine Downes

there, enjoying a nice

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cup of tea with Robin

Cousins from earlier.

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How many complaints

did we get though?

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It is a big number.

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I know what will win everyone round.

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Clare, will you finish off the show

with your new party piece?

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Elbows like this, and elbows like

this. Elbows like this, elbows like

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this.

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See you tomorrow!

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