Episode 12 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas Ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound Of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared And don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then, let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# Games! #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games,

with me, Dave Lamb.

And me, Rattus Rattus,

and Dave, I have to say,

I'm liking your shirt.

Oh, thanks, Rattus, I really appreciate the compliment.

It looks like someone's been sick on it and I am a big fan of sick.

Yes, let's just get on with the show, shall we,

and meet today's horrible historians!

Hi, I'm Charlotte and I'm from London!

Hello, Charlotte!

Hi, I'm Matt and I'm from Chichester!

Hello, Matt!

Hi, I'm Katya and I'm from London!

Hello, Katya!

Welcome, everyone, you are here to win Year Spheres.

At the end of the show,

the person with the highest year score will win a fabulous prize

that I found floating in the time sewer.

Let's hope it's not one of Henry the VIII's number twos!

Ooh, that would be a good one.

It wouldn't actually, it'd be horrible. Time for Round One.

What's it about? Let's go over to the Gory Grid to find out.

It's the Frightful First World War.

So, four questions on the First World War coming up

and the person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

Your four First World War topics are...

So, Katya, you get to pick first in this round,

which one of those takes your fancy?

Nicknames, please.

True or false - King George V of Britain

was nicknamed the Fat King.

Let's see your answers now, please.

Katya and Matt have agreed on true,

Charlotte thinks it's false.

What's the actual answer?

It's false.

The Fat King was actually a nickname for Major Ellis,

who set up a factory in France

to turn animal fat into explosives for bombs.

So if the Germans blew up one of our horses,

we could use the horse fat to make a bomb to fire back at them.

It's what Dobbin would've wanted.

Well done, Charlotte, first point

and I shall award a skull, well done.

Matt, your turn to pick a topic.

Laws.

Now that, Matt, is a prop question!

-Prop question! Prop question! Prop question! Pro...

-Yeah,

that's what I said, a prop question.

Yes, Dave, and today's prop is in the top cupboard.

Ah, yes, but that is precisely what you want me to think,

so clearly, it's not in the top cupboard,

which means it's either in the middle or the bottom.

Now, which is it?

Yeah, you've got me, it's actually in the bottom one.

Ah, which is exactly what you want me to think,

so therefore, it must be in the middle one!

Oh!

Too easy!

Sorry, Dave, just a bit of fun.

The prop was actually in the top one.

Right. Oh, not again!

THEY LAUGH

That never stops being funny! I tell ya!

It stopped being funny some time ago, Rattus. Here is the prop.

This is a kite, so true or false -

during the First World War, it was illegal to fly kites.

Show me your answers now, please.

Everybody has gone for true

and I can tell you it is true.

The authorities were worried it might mean

you were sending secret messages to the Germans.

I'm good at kite-flying.

-Really?

-Yeah, well I've always got plenty of wind, haven't I?

HE FARTS

Thanks for sharing that. You have all scored a point. Superb effort.

Charlotte, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Um...beds, please.

True or false - in the World War I trenches,

posh officers slept in sheds made of metal.

Show me your answers now, please.

Well, the girls have agreed on true,

Matt thinks it's false.

What's the actual answer?

It's true, they did. While us ordinary soldiers

had to sleep in the muddy, freezing, rat-infested trench.

Congratulations, Katya, another point for you,

Charlotte, another point for you.

So one question left in this round, all still to play for.

The question is on the French and this is what it is.

Is this true or false?

Show me your answers now, please.

Everybody's gone for true,

are they all right or are they all wrong? Let's find out.

It's true!

It was nonsense, of course, it was just a malicious rumour.

-Indeed.

-But it's a point for everybody

and that means that,

at the end of that round,

with four out of four, Charlotte is the winner of the first Year Sphere,

and it's time for me to say...

All Hail The Potty Pyramid!

UPBEAT MUSIC

Rattus, have you been fiddling with the music?

Yes! I like it!

I thought it would make a change, cos it's a little bit potty!

Well, thank you, because you've successfully destroyed the moment.

Never mind, Charlotte, pick a Year Sphere anyway,

but choose carefully, of course,

because AD dates will be added to your total

and BC dates subtracted from it.

We'll find out what's in there at the end of the show.

So, winning the World War I quiz means that Charlotte

is automatically through to play the First World War game,

but will she be alone or will everybody get to play?

Let's find out.

It's a single-player silly game.

So, Charlotte, get down that time sewer on your own.

See ya.

In the First World War, food rations were as dull

as the colour scheme in Rattus' house.

-What's wrong with brown?

-Everything.

So to make their dull diet seem a little more fun,

the British squaddies made up their own slang.

It's time to play...

Five foods and five novel nicknames,

your job is to match the snack to the slang.

Simply grab the food from the store

and place each item

next to the correct First World War slang name for it.

Make your choices, then touch the stinky boot

to see how many you've got right.

Keep trying different combinations until you get all five correct,

but you've got to be quick because you're against the clock,

and your time starts now.

HORN HONKS

Here goes Charlotte playing Know Your Onions.

So she has to match the foodstuff to the slang term for it.

So those are the biscuits,

and she thinks they were referred to as bully.

What's rat slang for biscuits?

HE SQUEAKS

Yeah, I can see why you chose that.

Now the porridge.

What's the slang for that?

She thinks it's muckim.

Muckim, muckim.

Oh, I had a bit of muckim this morning, if that's what it is.

Anyway, she's got five things down,

touches the boot.

SPLASH

You have one correct.

-One right.

-Only the one.

Oh, dear. That's a bit of a shocker.

So she has to move them one at a time here, Rattus,

I think that's the key, then you can learn.

Ah, don't think there's any real strategy in play here.

None whatsoever.

SPLASH

You have none correct.

None right.

Well, she knows she's got to do something,

and she needs to do it quickly.

30 seconds remaining.

Yes, I'm not sure this random plate-swapping's going to work.

The only one she hasn't moved

this time is the corned beef.

SPLASH

You have two correct.

Dave, you know when you get a corn on your foot?

-Yes.

-And you know corned beef?

Different kind of corn.

Back to the game, I think.

SPLASH

You have two correct.

Oh, dear, well, there's only seconds remaining, can she work it out?

Time's up.

SIREN GOES OFF

No, she can't, and she'll be disappointed with that.

ALL: Aw!

Yeah. Ah, welcome back, Charlotte, welcome back.

-Bad luck, that was very difficult, wasn't it?

-Uh-huh.

Sadly, no Year Sphere for you. I'll give you the real answers,

just in case you ever do find yourself in a trench.

Pozzy was jam, burgoo was porridge, but muckim was butter.

-Oh!

-Bully was corned beef

and hard tack was what they used to call biscuit.

OK, Round Two,

and to find out what's up next, it's back over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Nasty Knights.

Four questions again, and your knights' topics are...

So Matt, it's your turn to choose first in this round.

Er...battles, please.

That is a question from you know who.

He means me!

Hope you're ready for something stupid,

by which I mean a stupid death.

What was unusual about King John of Bohemia,

who fought at the Battle of Crecy?

A. He was blind.

B. He was already dead.

Or C. He fought with paper armour and a cardboard sword.

Give me your answers now, please.

Katya and Charlotte think it's B,

Matt thinks the answer is A.

Let's find out from Death

what the actual answer is.

The answer is...

King John was blind.

He rode to battle with his horse tied to two bodyguards.

It didn't work out, he was killed.

Talk about the blind leading the blind.

But surely his bodyguards weren't blind.

Don't be such a nitpicker.

Didn't work, did it, Rattus?

I can still hear you!

What I meant to say is that it did work excellently, well done, Death.

OK, that's one point then for Matt,

congratulations.

Charlotte, it's your turn to choose.

Tournaments, please.

I'll get straight to the point.

My question is...

A. They rode bigger horses.

B. They used longer lances.

Or C. They wore special armour.

Let's have a look at your answers, please.

The girls have agreed again on B,

and Matt is out on his own again with C.

Let's find out what the answer is.

The answer is...

They used longer lances!

That would certainly work, wouldn't it?

Congratulations, Katya and Charlotte.

It's your turn to pick this time, Katya.

German knights, please.

A German knight called Max Woolfer went into tournaments

with an unusual crest on his helmet.

It was a spike, but what was impaled on it?

A. One pig's bladder.

B. Two roast chickens.

Or C. Three sausages.

Show me your answers now, please.

The girls agreeing again,

Matt deciding he knows best with B,

what's the answer?

The answer is...

Well, there we go, no points awarded for that one,

and there's one question left in this round

with you all level pegging.

The last question is on the First Crusade, here it comes.

During the First Crusade, what did some knights believe

God had sent to lead them to the Holy Land?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Total agreement at last,

everybody thinks it's B.

What's the answer?

The answer is...

The knights thought a goose would lead them to the Holy Land.

So that's a point apiece.

At the end of that round,

we see it's two points each,

that means we are going to a tie-breaker question.

Beginning with the letter S,

what wooden object did a knight hold in his left hand?

Katya.

Sword.

It's not sword. Matt and Charlotte may buzz in. Matt.

A shield.

Shield is the correct answer.

Bad luck, Katya, well done, Matt,

help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Remember, Matt, the later the date, the bigger the points.

OK, Matt, as the knight quiz winner,

you're through to play the knight game,

but will it be just you or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's an all-play silly game.

So come on, everyone, let's get back down that time sewer.

-Lead on, Charlotte, you know the way.

-Yeah.

Becoming a knight took 14 years of training,

and your training starts here.

It's time to play...

In the Middle Ages, knights would practise their jousting

by running the rings.

You must ride up and down your lane hooking one ring at a time

and bringing it back to your basket.

The first to collect six rings wins the Year Sphere. Are you ready?

In three, two, one!

HORN HONKS

So off they go in Lance-A-Lot,

and here is where they are hoping

to, in fact, lance a lot.

And, oh, dear me, that's a shame,

that's two knocked down already

by Matt and Katya.

Charlotte's doing well though,

she's speared her first ring.

I don't think... I don't think Matt

actually collected a ring that time,

I think it had fallen off, he didn't realise.

But Katya and Charlotte

have both started well.

Dave, I have to say, I don't know many horses,

but I once had a nasty run-in with a mule.

They can kick like...

What's the expression? Um...

-A mule?

-That's the one!

Yes, easy when you hear it, isn't it?

So here we go, Matt has got his first ring there,

but the girls are neck and neck with two each.

And there's Matt, look at him racing along,

trying to catch up with the girls,

he's picked up some great speed on his horse now,

it has to be said, Rattus.

And look at that, he's got his game face on. Lovely!

Oh, yes, it's all very much still to play for here.

There are rings that are up for grabs,

there are rings that need to be lanced, Rattus.

That's three for Katya, three for Charlotte.

Well, I know maths is tricky for you, Rattus, but that is halfway.

No horses have been harmed in the making of this game at any stage.

There was somebody got a splinter off one of them at one point

but none of the horses have actually been harmed.

Now, then, they're moving through this game very nicely.

Oh! That one wiped its feet a bit, didn't it?

So four apiece then for Katya and Charlotte,

I think this will be an out-and-out fight between them.

Oh, but Charlotte's just knocked that ring off, that could cost her.

Matt's doing very well here but the girls, they've just got

that extra leg speed and that precision

when it comes to dropping the rings in the basket.

Oh, case in point there, Rattus, case in point.

Oh, well, oh, Katya's twirling her lance round like a baton,

not sure that's going to help.

She needs to focus because Charlotte has got her fifth.

If Katya can get this one through, she's going to win.

Look at that, she's got it in place,

she's just got to drop this into the basket.

-Oh, no!

-She's missed! She's missed!

It was in, Rattus, and then it was out!

And that means Charlotte behind her

is surely going to win this!

Yes, she's done it!

Charlotte runs rings around them all and she is delighted!

Charlotte, yeah, that's right, help yourself to a Year Sphere,

very well played.

That was close! How was it for you?

Um...Matt dropped his, so that's when I thought it's my chance to catch up.

So Matt dropping his made you think you were still in with a chance?

Yeah, so I started running.

So half of that Year Sphere is Matt's, effectively.

-Yeah.

-No, it's not, we're not going to take that away from you.

Well done, everyone. Round Three,

and it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

Four questions, as always, and here are your four Egyptian topics...

So, Charlotte, what will you have?

Toilets, please.

You won't be surprised to learn

that that is a question from Rattus Rattus.

True or false - Egyptians invented the toilet seat.

Let's see your answers now, please.

Everybody thinks that's false.

Rattus, are they all right or are they all wrong?

It's true!

The toilet seat was made by cutting a hole in the middle of a stool,

so their own stool could drop down through the stool

into a box of sand!

Yeah, Rattus, too much detail.

No points awarded there and Katya, it's your turn to pick a topic.

The afterlife, please.

True or false -

when he died, the ancient Egyptian King Zur

had all of his servants given land and gold.

Let's see your answers now, please.

They're all in total agreement again, this is getting a bit spooky.

What's the answer?

It's false!

At King Zur's funeral 338 of his servants were killed,

so they could work for him in the afterlife.

Well, they should've read the small print in the contract.

They should've done that.

If I'd read the small print in mine,

I'd have found out that I was presenting with a talking rat.

Still, points all round there, lovely. We're all off the mark.

Matt, it's your turn to choose.

Ramesses II.

True or false -

when Pharaoh Ramesses II failed to win at the Battle of Kadesh,

he just pretended he had won.

Let's see your answers, please.

They're all in total agreement again.

This time, they all think it's true. What's the answer?

Well, it's true!

He built huge statues and temples commemorating his famous 'victory'.

Honestly, some people.

So if you don't win today,

just build a huge statue and pretend you did.

Well done, that's points all round again.

Look at that, it's two points apiece,

and this is the final question and it's going to be asked right now.

Is this true or false?

Answer that question now.

Katya and Matt still agreeing on true,

but Charlotte thinks that's false.

What is the answer?

It's true!

Excellent, Katya and Matt, well played, a point apiece there,

and that means we have a tie-breaker situation.

Beginning with the letter S,

what is the name for the huge statue

in the Egyptian desert...? Yes.

The Sphinx.

Katya says Sphinx. The full question was - beginning with the letter S,

what is the name for the huge statue in the Egyptian desert

of a lion's body with a man's face?

You're absolutely right, Katya, it was the Sphinx.

Help yourself to your first Year Sphere.

Everyone's got one, well done.

Katya, you've won the Egyptian quiz,

so you're through to play the Egyptian game,

but will you be playing on your own or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's a single-player scary game.

So take a deep breath

and get yourselves down that time sewer, Katya.

Whoo!

Be brave.

Having an amateur try their hand at mummification

would be a terrible idea,

so that's precisely what we're going to do.

It's time to play...

The embalmer who mummified this pharaoh

forgot to remove some organs.

Your challenge is to find and remove the stomach, liver,

intestines and lungs and put them in the correct Canopic jars.

The brain needs to be yanked out through the nose and binned,

and you'll also need to bin the bladder,

but the heart must be left inside the body.

Got it? Well, let's hope so, as your time starts now.

HORN HONKS

So here goes Katya with Mummify Me

and she's gone straight for the nose implement.

And I should warn you, this can be a bit graphic.

Oh, Rattus, that's going to smart a bit, isn't it?

-Ow.

-Hook up the nozzle, ouch.

Now, Rattus,

I'm not sure that's the whole brain,

that looks like a tiny piece of the frontal lobe,

but at least she's put it in the bin where it belongs.

-What do you think she's after now, Rattus?

-Er, well,

-certainly not a snake, Dave.

-Well, that is a snake,

I mean, that...that clearly shouldn't have been in there,

but, oh, my goodness me, she seems to be thinking

about what jar she's going to put that in, I think.

No, I've not actually seen intestines live and in the flesh,

but I'd imagine they don't look like that.

What's she going to do with it? In the bin. Yes.

I've never understood the point of bandaging a mummy,

it's not like they're going to get better, is it?

True indeed, Rattus,

slight misunderstanding,

but true nonetheless.

Now, that for me is the stomach, Rattus.

She's now checking which Canopic jar.

Very well done, that's textbook.

Dave, have you ever tried eating a stomach?

It's basically a meal within a meal. Delicious.

Now, what's this she's working on here?

-Oh, my goodness.

-Oh, it's the bladder!

-It's the bladder, it's weeing everywhere!

-It's got to be,

judging by the amount of wee.

Well, one thing we can learn here

is that that mummy must've died needing the loo,

because there was an awful lot of wee still in it.

Thank goodness for that.

Hopefully, that's the last we've seen of the bladder.

She's down in the intestinal area.

30 seconds remaining.

And now, it's the pulling game.

Like some grizzly tug-of-war, the mummy against Katya,

and goodness me, it's going on for ever.

There they all are.

Those have got to be stuffed into that jar, haven't they?

-Stuffed right in.

-Easier to pull them out than stuff them in, Dave.

Yes, and seconds are ticking away here.

I'm not sure if she's got time to be tangled up in guts,

she's still got the liver and lungs to go.

She can't take the heart, she wants the lungs.

-Lungs, lungs.

-Lungs, lungs.

Now she's found a liver, what was that doing up there?

Time's up.

-It's all over!

-It's all over!

Oh, what a shame!

Bad luck, bad luck, you got close, but you just ran out of time there.

Unfortunately, no Year Sphere.

So it's time for the final round and we go over to the Gory Grid

one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

No quirky quiz in our final round,

so it's straight to our big all-play endgame.

Ooh! Does it have poo in it? Does it? Does it? Does it?

Yes, yes, yes, it's got poo in it.

Hurrah!

Get down that time sewer with the lot of you.

-Bye.

-Bye.

See you soon!

It's time to go...

You've all just got yourselves a job emptying cesspits. Congratulations.

You have to collect the gong from the pit,

carry it along your lane and slop it into your measuring cylinder,

and whoever collects the most gong,

gets themselves a Year Sphere.

Ready? Three, number twos, number one, go!

HORN HONKS

They're clean now, look at them, pristine,

but that's about to end

because they're off down to the other end of the lane,

where the poo awaits.

And look at that, that's terrific farming.

Now, oh, Katya's flying down that lane, that's incredibly quick.

Not that much poop delivered,

but that one, now that is what you call a full payload,

that is extraordinary.

Maybe Matt added to that halfway down his lane,

he could've had a secret poop into his own bag.

Oh! Katya's lost her footing already,

and you don't want to slip over in that, Rattus.

And here comes Matt again! Look at it! He's swimming in it!

There is poo everywhere, Rattus. You must be loving this!

Going to get me water wings on.

Yeah, get your water wings and get out there and enjoy it.

It's poo time, all day, particularly at the end of Matt's lane.

Look at this, look, watch how much it gives him here.

-Look at it, he's almost filled it!

-It's almost full!

This is ridiculous! He is amazing!

Some Middle Ages people wouldn't even bother with a cesspit,

they'd just poo directly onto the street.

Oh!

Oh! And there's some now, look at that.

30 seconds remaining.

Well, this is where it gets very, very slippery.

You don't tend to see much more gong

delivered after the huge poo deluge.

Time is ticking,

I think the girls are going to struggle to beat Matt now.

But oh dear me, Katya is all over the place here, oh, and so is Matt.

Oh, there's gong everywhere!

Oh, Charlotte there

making a valiant last stab to deliver some more gong,

but I think Matt's got this one in the bag! Literally.

Time's up.

Yes, it's all over, well, it's all over Katya,

it's all over Charlotte, well, it's all over all of them, to be fair,

and Matt has won that with an extraordinary amount of poo.

Welcome back, gong farmers, terrific work.

I'm glad to see you're all cleaned up.

The winner, with the most amount of gong farmed

in the history of the programme, was Matt.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Remarkable, wasn't it Rattus, that?

It was, it was amazing, it was almost spilling over the top.

Right, now it's time to count up those Year Spheres

and remember, AD dates are added and BC dates are subtracted.

It's the moment of truth.

So, Katya, let's have a look at that first Year Sphere.

Oh, it's a good one, 1891 AD,

school was made free

for every child that year.

Matt, let's see what you can do.

1305 AD,

the execution of William Wallace was that year.

So it all hinges on what's in that second one, let's have a look.

Oh, it's 64 AD,

the Great Fire of Rome was that year.

That leaves you with a total of 1369,

which is not enough to beat Katya.

So, Charlotte, you've got 1891 to beat.

1845 AD,

the Great Potato Famine in Ireland.

That means you are currently

46 behind.

Let's have a look at that second one.

1099 AD! Fantastic.

The First Crusade was that year.

That means that, Charlotte,

you are today's winner with 2,944 points.

All that means, of course, that you have won the sort of prize

that will drive all your friends wild with jealousy,

providing, of course, that all your friends are into old junk

that's been fished out of the sewer.

What have you got for us today, Rattus?

Oh, it's a prize that's really full of heart,

because it's a heart wrapped in a poem!

Specifically, the heart of Georgian poet Percy Shelley,

whose wife kept it wrapped up in one of his poems when he died.

Well, a poem, you say.

The prize is a rotten old heart, about as welcome as a stinky...

RATTUS RATTUS FARTS

Well, my way would've rhymed.

-Anyway, there you go, Charlotte, congratulations.

-Thank you.

Keep a safe distance away from it.

Well done also to our runners-up, Katya and Matt,

who'll be taking a trip home that they will never forget,

because it's going to be so horrible.

Yes, I'm afraid we're flushing you two back down the time sewer.

Off you go.

Bye, Matt.

Bye, Katya.

I've been Dave Lamb, he has been Rattus Rattus...

And he's been Marcus the flea.

You've been watching Gory Games, goodbye.

-Say goodbye, Marcus.

-Goodbye.

# If mummies, rats and fleas Ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound Of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared And don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then, let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# Games! #