Episode 13 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games,

with me...

And me...

How do we know you're the real Dave Lamb

and you haven't been replaced by an evil robot version?

I am not a robot.

Well, that's just what a robot would say.

Rattus, how do you want me to prove to you that I'm not a r...

RATTUS GASPS

I'm kidding.

Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hi, I'm Charlie and I'm from Swindon!

Hello, Charlie!

Hey, I'm Lily and I'm from Gloucester.

Hello, Lily!

Hi, I'm Isaac and I'm from London.

Hello, Isaac!

Welcome, everyone. You lot are all playing to win Year Spheres.

At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

will win a fabulous prize that I didn't think

I could ever part with because it got so stuck to me.

THEY LAUGH

I dread to think.

So, let's get this show on the road with a round that

I like to call Round One.

What's it about? Let's go over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Frightful First World War.

So, four questions on World War I coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere,

and your four World War I topics are...

So, Isaac, you get to pick first in this round.

Which one of those would you like?

Toilets.

You won't be surprised to learn that this is

a question from Rattus Rattus.

In the trenches in World War I,

why was going to the toilet sheds dangerous?

Was it A - because rats would bite your bum,

B - there was so much poo you could drown in it,

or C - the Germans dropped bombs on the loos?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Interesting.

The boys agreeing on C,

Lily on her own there with B.

Rattus, what's the correct answer?

Oh, the answer is...

C!

Yes, the enemy targeted the toilet sheds, dropped bombs on them.

Mind you, with their dodgy trenches' diet, I expect our soldiers

experienced plenty of nasty explosions in the loo!

You know...

I do apologise.

So, Isaac and Charlie, you're off the mark with an eyeball

and a skull apiece.

No brains awarded yet, Lily, but you do get to choose

the next category, what would you like?

Could I have Slang please?

What was trench slang for spilling food on your uniform?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Everybody has gone for B.

Are they all right, or are they all wrong?

The answer is...

Which makes me one of the most decorated soldiers in World War I.

HE BURPS

Revolting. So the answer was they were all wrong.

No further points to be awarded there.

Charlie, it's your turn to pick a category.

Whales, please.

And that, Charlie, is a prop question.

Prop question, prop question.

Yeah, yeah, and you know what? I've decided I'm not doing it.

-What?

-I'm fed up with going over to the cupboard

and being hit by the two boxing glove booby traps.

It's humiliating. I am a grown man.

Look, there aren't two booby traps this time, I promise.

You promise?

You have my word, there aren't two booby traps.

Well, I suppose that'll have to do.

Let's have a look in this one.

Oh!

Yeah, all three are booby trapped.

The prop's just here under the desk.

Thanks, Rattus. Helpful as always.

Yes, here is the prop, and that, I have to say,

is a tub of whale oil.

-Nice.

-Ugh.

How did soldiers use whale oil to stay warm in the freezing trenches?

Would they A - drink it,

B - smear it on themselves,

or C - use it to start a fire?

Let's see those answers now, please.

All going for B,

and I can tell you, you are all

absolutely right.

The soldiers would smear

whale oil on their body for an extra layer or insulation.

Think I'd rather get cold.

Think I'd rather drink it! Yum, yum.

So, points all round there,

and it's all still to play for.

The final question is on George V, and this is what it is.

In World War I what was surprising about British King George V

and his enemy, Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany?

A - they were both Tottenham Hotspur fans,

B - they were cousins,

or C - they were both phobic about spiders?

Let's see those answers now, please.

The boys have agreed on B,

Lily has gone on her own with A.

What is the answer?

The answer is...

B - they were cousins.

They were both the grandchildren of Queen Victoria.

Talk about families at war, hey?

So that's another eyeball

and another skull,

and that means that we have a tie-breaker situation.

Beginning with the letter P, what was the name of the birds

used by the British Army in World War I to send messages?

ACHOO

Pigeon.

Isaac, pigeons is absolutely right.

Congratulations, it's time for you to choose your Year Sphere

and it's time for me to say

"All hail the potty pyramid!"

ANGELIC SINGING

Help yourself, please, Isaac, but choose carefully.

AD dates will be added to your total, of course,

BC dates subtracted from it.

We'll find out what's in there at the end of the show.

So, winning the World War I quiz means Isaac is automatically

through to play the World War I game,

but will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out, shall we?

It's a Single Player Silly Game.

So, Isaac, off you go down that Time Sewer.

Whee!

It's time to play...

You are a British fighter ace doing battle against the infamous

Red Baron and his so-called Flying Circus.

You must load, aim and hit those enemy planes.

There's one point for every successful hit

and if you get the Red Baron himself, you get two points.

Score six points in the time limit to win your Year Sphere.

Battle begins now!

HORN BLARES

Here we go, Flying Circus.

Isaac's missed with his first shot there, that's a bit of a shame.

Look at that, he's wobbling about there,

not so stable up there in the air.

Oh, no, I think I'm getting airsick, Dave!

Yes, but Rattus, they're not real planes!

Bleurgh, that's real sick, though!

Oh, heavens!

It really is very difficult to aim well in these windy conditions

but he needs to focus now and get his eye in.

It looks as if it's getting windier, if anything, Rattus.

It must be quite terrifying.

Absolutely terrifying, he's rocking about.

It's no wonder...

There's the Red Baron! There's the Red Baron!

Come on! BOTH: Get the Red Baron!

Oh, he's gone.

Well, he'll be disappointed with that.

Now, here goes... He's got one!

-Oh, he's got one!

-Lovely to see that!

That is his first one.

What a good shot it was.

He just needs another five of those, Rattus,

and he's in business here. Though time is ticking on.

'30 seconds remaining.'

Told you, just 30 seconds to go now.

Oh, he's got another one! That's two!

So he just needs four more,

although that might be a challenge

in the time left.

Yeah.

Oh! Carrier pigeon!

-To where?

-What?

Carry a pigeon to where?

Why can't it fly?

How come I have to do all the work?

Oh, Rattus.

Oh, and he's dropped that one,

that could cost him.

There's the pigeon again.

Oh, and there's the Red Baron!

Oh, no he's missed it.

The seconds are ticking away here now.

'Time's up.'

Oh, and it's all over. Bad luck, Airman Isaac.

Well done, fella.

Sadly, you didn't beat the Red Baron and his cronies

so no Year Sphere for you, I'm afraid, but a very good effort.

OK, Round Two time now, let's find out what's up next.

Over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

Four questions again, and here are

your all-important Roman topics...

So Lily, it's your turn to pick first this time.

What would you like?

Could I have weddings, please?

Here comes your question, ready or not.

A - burn a sacrificial cabbage,

B - sacrifice a goat,

or C - read a chicken's entrails?

Let's see your answers now, please.

So you've all gone for B.

Let's find out what the answer is.

Right then, the answer is...

A. The priest would burn a sacrificial cabbage.

I don't know, vegetables at a wedding ceremony.

I had a leak at your wedding, Dave.

Did you?

Didn't have any vegetables, though.

CHILDREN LAUGH

So, no points there. Charlie, it's your turn to pick a category.

Table manners, please.

-ROMAN:

-What was it unlucky to mention at a Roman dinner table?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Isaac's gone for C,

Lily and Charlie

have both gone for B.

What's the correct answer?

The answer is...

Although if you did mention fire, you could remedy it by

pouring water on the table.

Unfortunately, spilling water was also unlucky!

OK, Isaac, you have won a point there.

One eyeball to you, lovely stuff.

Now it's your go. Let's pick a category.

Beauty treatments.

That is a question for Rattus Rattus.

What were the key ingredients

of a Roman ointment for removing leg hair?

Wild she-goat blood and powdered what?

Answer that questions now, please.

Ooh! They've all agreed on C.

Rattus, are they all right or are they all wrong?

They're all wrong!

Cos the answer is...

Yes, to make Roman leg hair remover, simply mix wild she-goat blood

with powdered viper.

Only one point scored so far.

That means everyone's still in it.

And the final question is on emperors.

Evil Emperor Commodus liked pretending to be a gladiator.

Whilst he fought with a sword, he'd arm his opponent with what?

Show me now, please.

Isaac's gone for A,

Lily and Charlie have gone for B.

What's the answer, please?

The answer is...

He'd arm his opponent with sponges, just to make sure he'd win.

Commodus would also tie their legs together, the cheat!

Yeah, which is the only way you'll ever beat me, Lamb!

All right, Rattus, all right, steady on.

No need to come to blows over it.

Well played, Charlie and Lily.

That means that, at the end of the round,

we go to a tie-break question.

Beginning with the letter B, name the queen of the Iceni tribe who

led a rebellion against the Romans in...

Lily.

Boudicca?

Boudicca is absolutely right.

Well buzzed, Lily. You've won yourself a Year Sphere,

Please collect it now.

CHOIR SINGS

Very good.

As the winner of the Roman quiz,

you are through to play the Roman game,

but will it be just you, or will the others get to play too?

There's only one way to find out.

It's an All Play Gory Game.

So, off down the Time Sewer with the whole lot of you.

-Bye, Dave.

-Bye, Charlie.

See you later!

It's time to play...

When they laid siege to an enemy fortress, the Romans resorted

to some pretty dirty tricks.

They would catapult rocks, beehives and even the severed heads

of defenders they'd captured.

Your challenge is to fire as many missiles into your

fortress target as possible.

Ready, steady...

HORN BLARES

They're off! So they've got to dash back to the basket, Rattus,

grab either a rock, a beehive or a severed head

and then fire it to their fortress.

He's put that one into Lily's!

That's gone into Lily's.

That one won't count, I can assure you of that.

-There's one there for Charlie!

-Well played!

First piece of sedimentary,

right down, back of the net!

And that is a genuine one for Lily.

A beehive there, Rattus, quite the bee's knees of missiles.

Do bees have knees, Dave?

I don't know, Rattus, that's hardly the point.

Have you tried asking one?

I have, but they're always too busy.

RATTUS LAUGHS

Yeah, thank you Rattus.

Oh there's a lovely beehive for Charlie.

Oh, and another rock for Lily.

Dave, how do you make a bee angry?

I don't know. How do you make a bee angry?

You catapult his hive into a fortress.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were doing a joke.

No, no, not everything has to be a joke, Dave.

That's true.

Charlie now beginning to line another one up.

Boom! Oh, he's incredible at this game!

Lily lining up a hive.

Oh, that's just short.

Look at that, a severed head there from Isaac.

-That's gone in!

-It's gone in! The head's in!

Terrific! His first one and it's a very, very good one.

Superb stuff.

Having said that, though, I think he may struggle

to catch Lily and Charlie.

Especially now, Rattus.

Oh, look at that!

Synchronised slam dunk!

'30 seconds remaining.'

So, just 30 seconds remaining and I think we

can say now that this is an out and out

fight between Lily and Charlie.

I'll give you a heads up on the headcount.

It looks like Lily is ahead by a head.

I'm heading off, I've had enough.

You've head enough?

I think that's what you mean.

Lily maintains her lead nicely there with seven.

Here she goes again.

Cor, that one's gone flying off!

Maybe that's opened the door for Charlie.

Oh, but I think he's missed that one.

Lily with another chance to

extend her lead. That's eight!

'Time's up.'

Lily has won that heads down... hands down!

Out of there like greased lightning. Superb.

Well played, well played indeed.

Very close there, Charlie, but the winner with eight points was Lily.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

CHOIR SINGS

Good job, very close, very close it was too.

OK, Round Three, and it's over to the Gory Grid

to find out what's up next.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

Four questions, as always, and here are your four Middle Ages topics...

Charlie, it is your turn to lead us off. What will you have?

Can I have Jesters, please?

Now brace yourself, Rattus, because this is a question from Death!

Aaargh!

THUNDER CRASHES

At the Battle of Hastings, the Normans were led into battle

by William the Conqueror's jester, but what was he doing?

A - telling jokes,

B - juggling swords,

or C - throwing custard pies?

Let's see your answers now, please.

They've all gone for B.

Back over to Death for the answer.

The answer is...

He rushed on his own at the entire Saxon army juggling swords

and was killed immediately.

DEATH LAUGHS

I think that's what you call a tough crowd.

Congratulations, everyone.

That's a point each

at the start of the round.

So Isaac, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Food.

That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

Certainly is.

Which of these was not eaten

in the Middle Ages in Britain?

A - stuffed dolphin stomach,

B - deer antler soup,

or C - guinea pig stew?

Let's see your answers now, please.

They're all in total agreement,

they've all gone for C.

Are they all right or are they all wrong, Rattus?

They're all right.

C indeed, guinea pig stew.

There weren't any guinea pigs in Britain in the Middle Ages,

otherwise I am pretty sure they'd have been scoffed as well.

Excellent work.

We're onto an absolute flier here.

Everybody got a full house.

Next to choose is Lily.

Could I have Make-up, please?

Isabeau of Bavaria, a posh German princess,

wore make-up made from boar brains, wolf blood, and what?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Well, we have a difference of opinion.

Isaac thinks it's A,

the other two think it's C.

What's the answer?

The answer is...

B, crocodile glands.

And it was expensive, too,

because the crocodiles had to come all the way from Egypt.

Wherever that is. I don't know.

Well, two points each going into the final question,

and the final category is King John.

King John was a bit of a disastrous king.

He managed to annoy pretty much everyone.

But how did he anger the Irish princes?

A - he called them all girls,

B - he laughed at their beards,

or C - he said their names were stupid?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Well, Isaac's gone with B,

Lily and Charlie have gone with C.

Let's find out who, if anyone, is right.

The answer is...

King John laughed at their beards, the big silly.

Although, to be fair, facial hair can look pretty stupid, hey, Rattus?

Well, congratulations, Isaac,

you have just won yourself another Year Sphere.

Please collect it now.

CHOIR SINGS

So Isaac, you have won the Middle Ages quiz,

you're through to play the Middle Ages game.

But will you be playing alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Gory Game,

so off down the Time Sewer again with the lot of ya.

Well done, Charlie.

Geronimo!

I know I'm going to win this!

And Isaac is confident.

Nobody messed with William the Conqueror when he was alive,

but when he was dead, well, that's a whole other story.

It's time to play...

At William's funeral, his servants stole all of his treasure

and the church caught fire.

And today, you're those servants.

Your challenge is to take Willy's treasure

and put it in your chest, but all the goodies are colour-coded

and you must only take your own loot.

Whoever collects the most pieces wins the Year Sphere

but be quick about it, because the church is about to catch fire.

And your time starts now.

HORN BLARES

So, here we go, then, with Yuckaroo.

And they're all very quick off the mark,

relieving William of his treasure there.

I have to say, we've got some thieves here

and then some! They've made a flying start,

-haven't they, Rattus?

-They certainly have,

-Dave Lamb.

-They've all got two already!

This is extraordinary! Quite remarkable!

Look at them now, all starting to work away delicately again.

Lily working on a crown, I think.

That's got to be worth a bob or two.

Not the sort of thing I usually rush to compliment,

but there really is some

excellent thieving going on here.

And for me, at the moment, Lily just has the edge,

but can she maintain it?

What our players don't know is that William's body was so bloated

and rotten that it actually...

EXPLOSION

Oh! Yuckaroony!

I probably don't need to finish that sentence, do I?

Didn't get anyone. That's a bit of a shame.

We were hoping everyone

would get covered in guts,

but it seems to have missed them all.

What's the point of exploding guts if

it doesn't hit somebody right in the eye?

Yeah, quite right. I wish they'd put their

heads a little bit closer

at that point, but never mind.

Lily is stacking up the loot here.

Isaac, meanwhile, is dealing with some very,

very knotted ropes there, look at those.

'30 seconds remaining.'

That's very tough rope, isn't it, that, Rattus?

We've specially selected that.

It's actual alpine mountaineering rope, that, tough as you like.

He might not get through that is what I'm saying, Rattus.

And this delay is costing him,

because Lily's storming ahead.

Oh, look out!

Everything's on fire!

The fire has started!

It's getting very smoky.

That's going to make it hard for

them to see what they're stealing!

You have to say, Lily's main

competition is Charlie now,

but he needs three more in about three seconds!

I don't think he's going to do it.

I don't think an octopus could do it!

'Time's up.'

It's a win for Lily and she'll bag herself another Year Sphere.

Top thieving.

Out of the Time Sewer like nobody's business.

Well played, indeed.

That was very close. How was that for you, Charlie?

At least the guts didn't go on me.

That was fine, yeah.

That was the main highlight. Isaac?

It was OK, but I got quite annoyed when I couldn't unscrew the mug.

Yes. Well, again, it was very close between Lily and Charlie,

but I can tell you the winner with nine...

was Lily. Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Very close.

CHOIR SINGS

It's time for the final round, so it's over to the Gory Grid

one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

No quirky quiz in our final round, it's straight to our big

All Play Tudor endgame, and it's a very silly one.

Get down that Time Sewer.

-Bye, Dave.

-Bye!

See you later.

See you later.

It's time to play...

Henry VIII is starving.

He hasn't eaten for literally minutes.

Your challenge, to feed him as many pies as possible.

The person who gets the most pies in their Henry's mouth

within the time limit wins the Year Sphere.

Are you ready? It's pie time!

HORN BLARES

So, here we go, then, with Who Ate All the Pies?

And they're all off... And, well!

What an amazing start, Rattus, everyone's got a pie in!

Oh, Isaac's down.

I think he must've slipped in some gravy!

But he's straight back up again.

Oh, and I tell you what, it hasn't affected his throwing arm!

Oh, that's a lovely pivot from Lily.

Bang.

Voom!

Pietastic!

Oh! Hey! Eat that!

Superb action right from the very start.

HENRY BURPS

Terrific work from the pieman, lovely hat, super beard.

Have you ever worn a hat, Rattus?

I'm wearing one now, Dave.

Well, it's one of those invisible ones

but it's terrific.

Isaac doing very nicely here, very nicely indeed.

Lily, lovely, low trajectory.

There's the pieman, look at him going.

He really does know how to deliver a pie, which is

good in his line of work.

I pie with my little pie

something beginning with P.

Is it pie?

How did you guess?

Oh! Look at that flying pie!

That is what I call fast food,

and Charlie is putting up a real fight here.

'30 seconds remaining.'

30 seconds left and Isaac is maintaining

a strong lead.

He's flung seven pies into Henry VIII's mouth.

What a ledge.

So, Dave, is that why he was called Henry VIII,

because he ate all the pies?

Yes, Rattus, that's exactly right.

This really is an exhausting game, though.

Really, really is taking its toll.

Look how tired Lily is there.

Isaac getting pinged back.

Charlie's given it absolutely everything.

-Oh, Lily bravely...

-Oh!

That was a terrific shot!

'Time's up.'

And it's all over and look how exhausted Lily is!

Charlie gave her a real fight for second place

but they tie on five,

and we get the thumbs up from Isaac.

He doesn't know it, but he's bagged himself a Year Sphere.

Welcome back.

You really are terrifically fast out of the Time Sewer, all of you.

Well, that was very, very exciting.

So, the winner was Isaac.

Another Year Sphere for you, please, sir.

CHOIR SINGS

Neatly selected.

So, it's time to count up those Year Spheres

and, remember, AD dates are added,

and BC dates are subtracted.

It's the moment of truth.

Charlie, you have no Year Spheres.

That could be a clever tactic

because it's perfectly possible to win the game with zero.

Will it work?

We just don't know.

Isaac, we're going to start with you.

Open up that first Year Sphere for me.

FANFARE

Women got the right to vote in the UK that year,

so that's a very good start.

Let's have a look at your second one.

FANFARE

Another excellent, excellent number.

Queen Victoria marries

Prince Albert that year.

All-important third one, let's have a look at it.

FANFARE

Oh!

Three very good scores.

Napoleon Bonaparte was born that year.

So you've got 5,527.

Charlie, I'm afraid that means you can no longer win,

but Lily, you still can.

Let's have a look at your first Year Sphere.

FANFARE

It's not setting the world alight

but it's positive.

Hadrian's Wall began

to be built that year.

Let's have a look at the second.

FANFARE

That's more like it.

The death of Richard the Lionheart.

Let's have a look at that third one.

GROANING

55 BC, it's gone the wrong way.

Julius Caesar invaded Britain that year.

And because Charlie has nought, today's winner

with 5,527 points,

is Isaac.

Well done and have we got a fabulous prize for you.

The answer is no, we haven't.

Rattus has just dragged something out of the Time Sewer.

That's right, it's a honey-soaked delicacy from Medieval Arabia.

Wow!

Isaac, I hope you don't mind, but that look pretty nice.

I'm sorry, mate, there's three left.

Oh.

It's actually chunks of mellified man,

a 100-year-old dead person soaked in honey!

RATTUS LAUGHS

Oh, dear. Unfortunately, I've swallowed it.

-Isaac, there you go, congratulations.

-Thank you.

Take that home with you. Whatever you do, don't eat it.

RATTUS LAUGHS

Commiserations to our runners-up, Charlie and Lily,

who'll be heading home via what we rats call the scenic route.

Or what we humans call

the Time Sewer.

Bad luck. Off you go. Bye!

Bye!

RATTUS LAUGHS

That's it. I've been Dave Lamb.

And I've been a delight.

In your dreams, Rattus.

This has been Gory Games. Goodbye!

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

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# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

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