Episode 14 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# Games! #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games,

and if you're a fan of the distasteful, the depraved,

and the downright disgusting, then you're going to love Rattus Rattus.

Oh, compliments will get you everywhere.

Let's crack on and meet today's Horrible Historians!

Hi, I'm Rex.

Hello, Rex.

Hi, I'm Rebecca.

Hello, Rebecca!

Hi, I'm Kayden.

Hello, Kayden.

Welcome, everyone. You lot are here to win Year Spheres.

And at the end of the show the person with the highest year score

will win the prize of their dreams, as chosen by me.

So, more accurately, the prize of their nightmares.

Let's get cracking -

and to find out what the first round's about

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Nasty Knights.

So, four questions on the Nasty Knights coming up now.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere

and here are your four knight topics...

So, Kayden, you get to choose first this round,

what are you going to have?

Battles, please.

On a Middle Ages battlefield what was a naked man?

Was it...

Let's see those answers now, please.

Interesting, Kayden's gone for A,

Rebecca and Rex agreeing with each other on B.

Let's find out what the answer is.

The answer is A.

A naked man was a phrase used to describe a peasant soldier

who couldn't afford armour,

who fought in his own clothes using a farming tool as a weapon.

Good luck with that(!)

Good luck with that, indeed.

Well done, Kayden, that's the first point of the game to you.

Rebecca, it's your turn to choose a topic, what will you have?

Erm, Crusades, please.

Now that is a question from Mr Rattus Rattus.

It certainly is.

In the Crusades, which of these were the Crusaders' horses scared of?

Let's see your answers, please.

Kayden and Rebecca agreeing this time on A. Rex thinks it's C.

Rattus, put us out of our misery, what's the answer?

The answer is C!

Yes, the Saracens often rode at the Crusaders on camels

because the Crusaders' horses didn't like the smell of them! No! Ha-ha-ha!

Congratulations, Rex. One skull to you.

It's your turn to choose a question, Rex.

I'll choose Tournaments.

A knight could have his squire bring fresh weapons to him

in the jousting area but how did squires have to carry the weapons?

Let's see those answers now, please.

Well, total agreement, everybody going for B.

Let's find out if you're all right or all wrong.

The answer is B.

To make sure squires didn't start using the weapons themselves

there was a rule that they had to hold the weapons by their point.

Argh!

Well, tremendous work, everybody. That's points for everyone, there,

and so we come to the final question in this category,

and, Rattus, this, I have to say, is your favourite bit of the show.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

It's a question from Death!

Oh, Death! Ah!

In 1322, Humphrey De Bohun led a rebellion against King Edward II

and the two armies met at the Battle of Boroughbridge,

but what was Humphrey's stupid death?

Let's see your answers, please.

Interesting - Kayden thinks it's B,

Rebecca and Rex agreeing completely on C.

Death, what's the right answer?

The answer is...B.

Humphrey was fighting his way across a wooden bridge

when an enemy soldier rammed a pike right up his bottom! Ha-ha-ha!

I think that's what you call a "rear guard action".

I give that joke bottom marks!

Oh! Your one's rather better. Ngh!

Kayden, you've won the quiz.

That means it's time for you to choose your Year Sphere

and it's time for me to say, "All hail the Potty Pyramid!"

CHORAL FANFARE PLAYING

Help yourself, but pick carefully

because AD dates will be added to your total score

but BC dates will be subtracted from it.

So, for instance, if it was the year of Dave's birth

that would be a big BC number and bad.

Thank you very much, we'll find out what's in there later on.

Now, winning the quiz means that Kayden is automatically through

to play the Knight Game,

but will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Silly Game,

so that means it's off down the Time Sewer with the whole lot of you.

That stinks!

Yes, it does stink, I'm afraid.

Becoming a knight took 14 years of training, which means we're sending

this lot into the game woefully underprepared.

It's time to play...

Knights would practise their accuracy at jousting

by "running the rings".

You must ride up and down your lane

hooking one ring at a time and bringing it back to your basket.

The first to collect six rings wins the Year Sphere. Are you ready?

In three...two...one...

and they're off,

and away they go, and Rebecca's off to a flier!

She's galloping down her lane

and hooks her first ring beautifully, there.

Oh, it's great lance control.

Well, little crash there from Rex.

His horse appears to be fine and, yes, he's racing along, look.

Looks like he's going to be the first to deliver here.

Let's see if they can all get them in the basket, one...two...three!

-That's superb from everyone, isn't it, Rattus?

-Certainly is, Dave.

Well, thanks for your input there, top level analysis,

and Rex has hooked his second ring down onto the lance.

Dave, this game reminds me of my cousin.

Really? Does he joust?

No, he's called Lance!

Oh, dear, apologies, everyone, back to the game I think, Rattus,

and Rex is delivering his second already.

And here comes Rebecca in the middle there, in brown, beautiful delivery.

And Kayd... Oh, Kayden!

That's missed the basket, that could set our knight in green back.

Dave, do you think I'd make a good knight?

Can't really hear it, can you?

"Arise, Sir Rattus".

That's not going to be a pleasure for Her Maj, is it?

Oh there's a collision, there, between Rebecca and Rex. Well!

Bumper Horse, it's a whole new game!

I like it, Rattus.

Look at that, Rex has got his third in, he's halfway there.

There's Kayden with his second.

Rebecca hot on Rex's heels, there, with her third. That is lovely.

Look how determined Rex is, he's powering along,

he's not going to let anything stand in his way here.

Oh! Including Rebecca - is that allowed?

Well, they've gone their separate ways, thank goodness for that.

It's certainly an advantage for Kayden,

you would've thought, with Rebecca and Rex

detaining each other for so long.

Maybe their horses just don't get on, Rattus?

Heard any stable gossip?

I think they were stopping for a kiss.

Ah, maybe it's the opposite,

maybe they LIKE each other!

Well, no-one was expecting that.

Oh, there's Rebecca's fourth. Lovely stuff.

But Rex has almost lapped her, here,

he delivers his fifth, so he needs only one more to win the game!

There's Kayden, of course, still pluckily carrying on

but you feel he's got too much ground to make up.

He delivers his fourth, there, very nicely indeed,

and Rebecca hooks her fifth

but surely Rex must have this in the bag,

he just needs to deliver his final red, and he's done it!

Knight Rex has won the game, so it's good knight from him,

not such good knighting from the others.

Welcome back, everyone. Well played, indeed.

Rex, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Very good stuff.

Excellent, there it goes, that was an exciting game.

-How do you feel, Rex?

-Brilliant!

-There was a bit of crashing going on, with the horses.

-Yeah.

I couldn't go past because she was blocking my path.

Rebecca, it sounds as if Rex is blaming you for it,

-how do you feel about it?

-OK, I don't really...

-You're taking the blame?

-Yes.

Rex, congratulations, you just got there in the end.

So, round two and to find out what's up next it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

Four questions again and here are your all-important Tudor topics...

So, Rebecca, it's your turn to pick first this time,

-what would you like?

-Henry VIII please.

True or false, when he was young and agile my father, King Henry VIII

was nearly killed when he tried to pole-vault a stream.

Let's have a look at those answers. They've all gone for false.

Are they all right? Let's find out.

It's true! His pole snapped and he landed head-first in thick mud.

He had to be yanked out by his ankles.

Well, I think that's one for Yea've Been Framed.

Yea've Been Framed cos it's in the past!

-"It's in the past!" Yeah, get on with it.

-Sorry.

So, no points there.

Rex, it's your turn to choose a category.

I choose Cures.

True or false, a Tudor cure for feeling sick

was to eat dead ants covered with jam.

Is that true, or is that false? Let's answer now.

Everyone in total agreement, again, on false.

Are you all right or all wrong?

It's false.

A Tudor cure for feeling sick was live spiders covered with butter.

I thought everyone knew that.

Well played, everyone. First points of the round have been scored.

Kayden, your turn to choose a category.

I pick Diet.

True or false, posh people in the Tudor era didn't eat vegetables.

Let's see those answers, please.

Everyone in total agreement again, all going for true. Let's find out.

It's true! Of course we didn't eat vegetables, they're bad for you!

Yeah, posh Tudors' dreadful vegetable-free diet

caused terrible scurvy, gout, blindness

and all sorts of teeth problems too.

Nonsense. It's never done me any harm.

No, it's never done you any harm, Ma'am, I wouldn't suggest that.

Good answers, everybody, that's a point apiece.

It's neck and neck in this one, isn't it?

So the final category in this round is Spoons,

and that is a prop question.

I... I put it in one of the cupboards, Dave.

Yeah, Rattus, let me just tell you

that I'm not falling for one of your booby-trapped cupboards ever again.

Ha-ha-ha! You see? Completely missed me.

Oh! Ouch!

-Nine...ten, you're out!

-You're out if you keep this up, Rattus!

There it is. I found the prop, no thanks to Rattus.

I don't know what you're all laughing at.

So this is an extra long spoon-type thing. Here's the question.

True or false, Tudor ladies wore ruffs round their necks that

were so long they had to make extra long spoons

so they could reach their mouths to eat.

Let's see your answers now, please.

Well, you've all gone for true, and I can tell you,

you're all right, it is true.

So, that means that at the end of that round

we have a tie-breaker situation.

Beginning with the letter S, what is the surname of the famous playwright

who wrote Hamlet, Macbeth... Yes, Rex.

Shakespeare!

Shakespeare is the right answer. Well done, Rex.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

CHORAL FANFARE PLAYING

Very well played.

So, Rex, as the winner of the Tudor quiz,

you are through to play the Tudor game,

but will you be playing alone or will everyone get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Brainy Game,

-so I hope you're feeling brainy, Rex.

-Yes.

-Off down that Time Sewer.

Down you go.

-Now, William Shakespeare...

-I'm introducing this one, common person.

Your Majesty.

I was a big fan of William Shakespeare,

he was a most inventive writer and came up with 1,700 new words,

and better still, many of them were insults! It's time for...

Seven insults, but only five were created by Shakespeare,

two were made up by that foul rodent.

Your Majesty.

Your challenge is to work out which five

are the real Shakespearean insults.

Choose five insults and move them to the board,

then touch the Hamlet skull to find out how many you've got right.

Keep trying new combinations until you get all five right

but you've got to be quick, though, as you're against the clock.

And your time starts...now.

So, Rex picks his first insult.

How's he doing, Rattus?

Well, pretty well so far, Dave.

"Fusty Nut,"

do you think that's one of Shakespeare's?

Well, you know, I'm not going to ask you.

"Dunghill," he's gone for that.

"Greasy Tallow-catch," oh, that sounds horrible.

"Clodpole," he seems to be doing very well here.

"Hugger-mugger." He presses the skull!

You have all five correct!

-He's done it!

-He's done it! 18 seconds!

18 seconds! Amazing! That is a record time.

"Fish Face," and, "Bum Trumpet," Rattus, you didn't fool Rex!

Welcome back, Rex, help your... Well, help yourself.

CHORAL FANFARE PLAYING

Lovely, three Year Spheres, superb. That was fast.

-Well played.

-Yeah.

OK, let's crack on.

Round Three, let's find out what's up next from our Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

So, four questions on the Awful Egyptians coming up now...

And, Rex, it is your turn to lead us off, what'll it be?

I'll have Egyptian Gods, please.

Here's what I want to know...

Make your choices now, please.

Kayden goes for C, the other two agreeing on B.

Let's find out who's right.

The answer is...B.

There was no Egyptian rat-headed god of manure.

No, there wasn't but there really should've been.

Might've been interesting.

So, well done, Rebecca and Rex, that's a point apiece for you.

Kayden, your turn to choose a category.

I choose Pharaohs, please.

For how many years did King Pepi II rule Egypt?

Let's see those answers now please.

Kayden out on his own with A, Rebecca and Rex agreeing on C.

Let's find out the correct answer.

The answer is C, 94 years!

He began when he was just six and he lived to be 100! Ha!

Well done, Rebecca and Rex. Still time to catch up, Kayden.

Rebecca, what topic would you like of the remaining two?

Cures, please.

That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

Good choice, good choice...

Show me your answers now, please.

Well, look at that, everyone agreeing on B.

-Rattus, what's the answer?

-I'm afraid they're wrong, Dave,

because the answer is A, by spitting on it.

So, no points for that question.

The final remaining question in this round is on Sacred Bulls.

We Egyptians believed a sacred bull called the Apis Bull

could tell the future, but how did we know what it predicted?

Let's see those answers now, please.

Everyone going for A.

Let's find out if you're all right or all wrong.

The answer is B.

We offered it different foods and depending on how it reacted,

that told us the future.

So, if the bull ate beans, for instance,

-we knew it was going to be windy.

-FARTING NOISE

Woo!

Horrendously so.

Which means at the end of that round we have a two-way tie

between Rebecca and Rex.

Kayden, just for now, you're history

because we are going to a tie-break situation.

Beginning with the letter H,

what was the name of the formal writing system... Rex.

-Hieroglyphics.

-Hieroglyphics is absolutely right.

Very quick on the buzzer, Rex. Bad luck, Rebecca.

Rex, help yourself to another Year Sphere.

CHORAL FANFARE PLAYING

That's a mighty collection you've got there now, Rex.

Well played indeed.

OK, so Rex, you've won the Egyptian quiz,

you're through to play the Egyptian game,

but will you be going it alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out, shall we?

It's a Single Player Gory Game.

So, Rex, you know the way, back down the Time Sewer with you.

Preparing pharaohs for the afterlife was nothing short of gross.

Yeah, and by gross he means brilliant!

I don't. It's time to play...

Whoever mummified this pharaoh forgot to remove some organs.

Your challenge is to find and remove the stomach,

liver, intestines and lungs, and put them in the correct Canopic jars.

The brain needs to be yanked out through the nose, then binned,

and you also need to bin the bladder.

But the heart must be left inside the body.

Your time starts in three...two...one...

and he's off.

For some reason he's gone searching in the knee area

for his first organ.

That's more like it. What's he got there?

Well, he's got the snake,

that's a very unhelpful start,

he's put it straight in the bin.

Well played, Rex.

What's this he's got hold of here? It's yellow.

He's giving it a good wrestle.

Oh, that's...that's coming out slowly,

and it's the stomach.

Now what he's doing now, Rattus,

is looking for the correct picture

to match with the stomach

so that he can be sure he's putting it

in the correct Canopic jar.

Textbook!

Rex is digging in there roundabout the midriff. Look at that,

his arm's right in there, he's really giving it some elbow grease.

Now, what's he got here?

I think that's a little bit of liver poking out

but he seems to be struggling to remove it.

-Oh, he's got it out!

-He's got it, he's got it, he's got it!

He's having a look, he's noted the correct jar

and that's a lovely delivery.

"Livery". De-livery, Rattus!

Suit yourself.

Oh, I think he's found a bug, there,

that needs to go in the bin with the snake.

He's going in at chest level.

Now, up here we're going to be talking hearts,

we're going to be talking lungs.

-It's a lung!

-I think you're right, Rattus!

Yeah, those are the lungs all right

but again he seems to be struggling to release them from the mummy!

Maybe the bandages are too tight.

He's given up on the lungs, I don't blame him,

instead he's ramming a spike into the mummy's head.

He's jimmying it around. I mean, I...

There's the brain.

There's a bit of brain, he just needs to yank that out.

30 seconds remaining.

It's not budging.

-They look like they're all snotted up.

-Yeah.

And it snapped it off.

If this mummy does recover now

he's not going to be the same fella he was

when he was alive.

But Rex has released the lungs,

well, that is excellent persistence there

from Rex.

He's still got the intestines

and the bladder to go

and he's only got ten seconds left.

That looks like a bladder, hey?

-Bladder! Bladder!

-The bladder comes out.

He needs to bin that and yank the intestines out,

get them in the jar - I don't think he's got time.

Time's up.

No, bad luck, Rex!

You might want to put that down, fella.

Well done, well done indeed.

Bad luck. No Year Sphere this time, I'm afraid.

I know, because when the lungs, they were next to the heart,

and I got them jammed in so I couldn't, like, wrench them out.

Well, at least, in your normal walk of life,

-that will never happen to you again.

-I hope so!

-So do I.

Right, it's the final round and that means it's over to the Gory Grid

one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Slimy Stuarts.

As always, no quirky quiz in our final round

so it's straight to our Big Endgame, an all-player game.

Everyone, back down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

-Whoo-hoo!

-Go on, Kayden.

It's time to play...

It's 1666 and you are King Charles II.

Party on!

No, not today, Rattus.

The Great Fire of London has broken out

and, just like the real King Charles II,

you're going to help put it out.

You have to collect water in your bucket, carry it along your lane

and chuck it onto the flames.

But watch out for those falling buildings.

Whoever gets the most water onto the blaze within the time limit

wins the Year Sphere.

So, buckets at the ready because your time starts now.

Off they go then with London's Burning.

There's the first scoop.

Down their lanes, over the cheese, and they're making their way along.

Rex is already there, look.

Now, who's going to throw the wat...

Oh, Rex has let go of his bucket!

Hey, don't throw the bucket!

That's terrific advice, Rattus.

Now there goes Rex skipping over the cheese,

which incidentally was buried by Samuel Pepys

to save it from the fire.

Now, there goes Rebecca.

Look at that, she hurdled the cheese that time,

didn't step on the top of it, just hurdled it.

Yeah, that's a decent effort. How's Rex going to go here?

Oh, well, he hasn't quite got the technique

at the end, there.

First time he threw his bucket,

second time nothing quite reached.

What's Kayden going to do here?

Is he going to get anything in?

Oh, dear me,

they're all falling a little bit short here.

You tend to think that maybe Charles II was there,

throwing water on it, not hitting with his water

but everyone was too polite and afraid of him to say,

"You're not doing this very well, Charles II.

"Budge up, let's get some proper firemen here."

-Now, Kayden. One!

-One!

Hey! There's some water. That's put out a small barn.

And he seems very, very happy about it.

Well, that's a terrific throw.

I mean, she got one in there, to be fair, Rebecca,

and there's another one!

Beautiful, one at a time, that's how to do it, lovely stuff.

There's Rex. Well, he...

Oh, dear, that hurdle went wrong and then the repercussions were bad.

Kayden now safely over the cheese, back towards the fire

and Rebecca scooping some more water there.

To stop the fire spreading, some people's houses got pulled down

so our players need to watch out for falling masonry.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-What did I tell you?

30 seconds remaining.

So, just 30 seconds left then and it looks like Rebecca's got this one

but I'll tell you what, Rattus, it's getting slippery out there.

It's getting slippery.

Kayden and Rex both falling down in very quick time

and Rebecca now... That was a good one from Rex

and a good one from Rebecca!

So they're beginning to get the hang of this, but it may be too late.

I mean they're so tight and then Kayden's head-butted the cheese!

Well, you don't see that every day.

Seconds remaining and... Oh, dear!

Time's up.

It's all over and, by the looks of that little lot,

I'd say Rebecca has won it.

Very well played. That looked very, very exciting.

It was incredibly close.

The winner of the final Year Sphere is Rebecca.

Please, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

CHORAL FANFARE PLAYING

Mm, interesting.

there we go, almost changed your mind at the last moment, there.

All the Year Spheres have been awarded,

now it's time to count them up.

And remember AD dates are added, and BC dates subtracted.

It's the moment of truth.

Kayden, let's see what you've got there.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

1587 AD, the execution of Mary Queen of Scots,

it's a very good score. Well done, you're in the positive.

Rebecca, can you beat that with yours? Let's have a look.

Oh!

Oh, no, it's 1323 BC, the death of Tutankhamen that year.

Bad luck, you'd have actually been better without a Year Sphere

but never mind.

Now, Rex, here we go, let's have a look.

332 BC, Alexander the Great conquered Egypt that year.

Let's have a look at the next one.

You're back in the positive, 1876 AD,

the year the vacuum cleaner was invented, interestingly enough.

Let's have a look at the third.

Ooh, it's another BC, he's gone back the other way.

399 BC, the Greek philosopher Socrates was executed that year.

It is incredibly close here.

Rex, you need 443 AD or more.

1455 AD and that was the start of the War of the Roses that year.

With a total of 2,600, you are today's champion, congratulations.

And look at that celebration.

Well done, fella, brilliant.

So, Rex, you are our champion and as a prize we'd like to offer you

-a luxury cruise around the Mediterranean.

-Really?!

We'd like to but we can't afford that, so it's probably going

to be some old tat that Rattus has fished out of the Time Sewer.

-What have we got, Rattus?

-Correct!

And today's prize will really help you to get ahead in life

because...it's a head!

-Oh.

-Oh, good grief.

Yes, it's the severed head of the pirate Blackbeard.

-There you go. Sorry it's a...

-Thank you.

-..head on a plinth,

you might want to face it away from you when you go to sleep at night.

Fantastic, well played, Rex, congratulations.

Tough luck to our runners-up,

I'm afraid you're going home through the Time Sewers.

Down you go.

I'm afraid this is going to get very unpleasant for you.

SHE SQUEALS AND LAUGHS

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

Well, I've been Dave Lamb, sadly, he's been Rattus Rattus.

To the max!

To the max, and if you've just joined us you've missed Gory Games.

Goodbye!

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound

# Of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared

# And don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off

# This show ain't for you

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# With Horrible Histories

# Gory Games... #

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