Episode 9 HH: Gory Games

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Who's there?

-Mr Forgetful.

Ah, it's you.

No, you're supposed to say, "Mr Forgetful who?"

-Right.

-It's a knock, knock joke. Come on.

Who's there?

Mr Forgetful.

Mr Forgetful who?

No, I can't remember either!

Come on, show's about to start.

Well I suppose it can only get better.

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# Games! #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games

with me, Dave Lamb.

And me, Rattus Rattus.

Rattus, you've got a little bit of something stuck on your snout there.

-Stuck pretty firmly is it?

-Nnng.

I bet you'd quite like me to take that off, wouldn't you?

-Nnng-nng-nng.

-Bad luck, fella.

-Oi!

Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hi, I'm Aaron and I'm from Leeds.

Hello, Aaron.

Hi, I'm Faye and I'm from Telford.

Hello, Faye.

Hi, I'm Daniel and I'm from Essex.

Hello, Daniel.

Welcome, everyone. I've got a very good feeling about today's show.

Oi.

All right then, Rattus, I'm only joking. Come on, let's get that off.

-Aargh!

-There we go.

Right, and you can play along at home too, using the Gory Games app.

If you haven't got it yet, check out the CBBC website.

You lot are playing to win Year Spheres.

At the end of the show the person with the highest year score,

will win a prize like no other.

And not in a good way, I'm afraid,

as the prize has been chosen by Rattus. So let's get cracking.

And to find out what the first round is about,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Nasty Knights.

So, four questions on the Nasty Knights coming up now.

The person who gets the most right,

wins the first Year Sphere.

And your four knight's topics are....

So, Daniel, you get to pick first this round.

Which of those takes your fancy?

Food.

-That is a prop question.

-Yeah.

-Oh, he's chuffed to bits.

-Prop question, prop question.

And, as always, the prop is in one of the cupboards.

And today, Rattus, I have come prepared.

What's that for?

Well, let's just say experience has taught me

that some anti-booby trap measures might well be in order.

Unlucky, Rattus.

Wow.

Jeff, you can get rid of that thanks very much.

Oh.

Sorry, delayed action.

Must need oiling.

Here's the prop. Well, that was well worth the effort wasn't it(?)

Grains of wheat, covered in poo.

True or false?

In the Middle Ages when knights were off on crusades

and ran out of food, they sometimes got

so desperate that they ate grains of wheat found in human poo.

So what do you think, true or false?

Daniel and Aaron agreeing on true. Faye has gone with false.

The answer is...

false.

Well, of course it is, that would be absolutely disgusting.

But they did occasionally eat grains of wheat found in animal poo.

And why not?

Well, congratulations, Faye. Well done.

It's your turn to pick a category. What would you like?

Erm, cheating.

True or false? Some knights used to cheat at tournaments.

One method was to screw themselves to their saddle

so they couldn't be knocked off their horse.

What do you think? Is that true or is that false?

Everybody's gone for true.

Are they all right or all wrong?

It's true.

I would never do that. Well, not since I was caught doing it anyway.

An eyeball, a brain and a skull.

Aaron, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Battle, please.

True or false?

If you captured a knight in battle, it was best to kill him immediately.

Gosh, is that true or is that false?

Aaron and Faye think it's false.

Daniel thinks it's true.

What's the answer?

It's false.

We knights were far too valuable alive as you could sell us

back to our families for a small fortune.

Though after I forgot our anniversary I'm not sure

if my wife would actually pay up.

So, Aaron and Faye, that's a point apiece.

And the final question is on Sieges.

Is this true or false?

When knights were laying siege to a castle,

they would sometimes catapult in dead horses. Is that true or false?

Let's see your answers.

Daniel and Faye going with true. Aaron has gone with false.

What's the answer please?

It's true.

I've heard of it raining cats and dogs, but horses?

Well, absolutely.

And not only could it kill the unlucky person it landed on,

the rotting corpse of a horse could also spread a lot of disease, yeah.

Daniel and Faye, that's another point each.

Faye, you've got a full house, four out of four,

which means it's time for you to choose your Year Sphere

and it's time for me to say, all hail the potty pyramid.

CHORAL VOICES: # Ah-ah, ah, ah, ah-ah-ah! #

Faye, help yourself.

-Hey, Dave.

-What?

-I've got a potty mouth.

-I know you have.

Choose carefully though, Faye, because while AD dates will be added

to your total, BC dates will be subtracted from it.

We'll find out what's in there at the end of the show.

So winning the Knights' Quiz means that Faye is automatically

through to play the Knights' Game.

But will she be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out shall we?

It's a single player game.

It's time to play...

Which is a Stupid Death game.

THUNDER CRASHES

So get down that sewer, Faye.

Oh, phew, it stinks down here.

Over to you, Death.

Warning, this story contains poo, death and,

well, poo death. It's very good.

So, one night in 1291, some crusaders raided a Saracen camp,

but one of them tripped on a tent rope, fell into a toilet hole

and drowned in poo.

As stupid deaths go, that's my number two.

Number two. Brilliant.

Anyway, your challenge is to get from one side of the Saracen

camp to the other and rescue your friend from the poo pit

without waking the sleeping Saracen.

Touch any tent rope and the bells will ring.

Do that three times - it's game over.

Your time starts...now.

FOGHORN BLARES

So here goes Faye, playing Knight Fall.

Well, now, Rattus, she appeared to touch several ropes there

but no bells rang. Lucky.

She's through that first set of ropes very quickly indeed, Rattus.

She certainly is.

Wow, look at that. The Saracen not stirring as yet.

She's picking a very neat course through...

BELLS RING

Oh, that's a bell going off. He's certainly stirring.

She doesn't need to do that too many more times.

Oh, look at the drama there, Rattus.

Looking over to see if the Saracen is waking up.

BELLS RING

Oh, and that's a second bell ring but it doesn't matter now

because she's through.

Now she's got to pull the knight out of the cesspit of poo.

And she's really yanking him.

His leg is bending into an appalling shape there.

I think he must have broken that as he fell into the cesspit.

Now she's got him. She's got him by the midriff

and she's just yanking him out of the poo.

She's doing this in record-breaking time.

He's out and she's lifting him

above her head like some sort of weightlifting challenge.

Let's see that again in slow motion.

She reaches down, pulls up,

and then that's the clean and jerk,

right above her head.

That's a clean lift.

Congratulations, Faye. Welcome back.

Superb. Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Good celebration of course.

Careful it's not a stone age stinker.

Don't let him influence you. You choose which ever one you want.

So Round Two and to find out what's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Vicious Vikings.

Yes.

Yes, Faye's very happy with Vikings.

Four questions again and here are your all-important Viking topics.

And, Faye, it's your turn to pick first.

Erm, can I have Myths please?

That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

According to Viking legend, why did the god Odin only have one eye?

Was it A - because he lost the other in a fight with a raven,

B - he swapped it for a drink from the well of wisdom or

C - he gave it to a blind giant?

Let's see your answers now please.

Daniel and Aaron agreeing on A.

Faye has gone for B.

Rattus, what is the answer?

Oh, Faye,

you're right, it's B.

He swapped it for a drink from the well of wisdom,

after which he became wise and knew everything.

Like it's not worth swapping your eye

for drink from the well of wisdom.

Well done, Faye. Aaron, your turn to choose a topic.

Rulers, please.

Which one of these was not a real Viking Ruler?

Was it A - Olaf the Greenfingered,

B - Harald Bluetooth

or C - Ivar the Boneless?

Show me now please.

Everybody's gone for B.

Are they all right or are they all wrong?

The answer is A - Olaf the Greenfingered.

Although I do know an Olaf who picks his nose a lot.

I know a rat that does that too.

RATTUS LAUGHS

No points there whatsoever.

So it's Daniel's turn to choose a topic. What'll you have?

Word-play, please.

Let's see if you know this one.

Your answers now, please.

Faye and Aaron have gone for B.

Daniel has gone for C.

Let's find out what the answer is.

Let me put you out of your misery.

The answer is...

A - a horse of the sea is a ship.

I've got a Viking word-play for you, Dave.

What's a donkey of the TV studio, rhymes with rave?

-HE SIGHS

-Let's move on, shall we?

No points awarded there. The final category is Laws.

And this is the question.

If you lost a fight and did not want to be killed,

what did you have to do?

A - swim in the freezing sea,

B - hang on to the greased tail of a cow

or C - run through the town shouting, "I'm an idiot!"

Oh, that's a tricky one. What do you think - is it A, B or C?

Everyone thinks that's B.

What's the answer?

The answer is B, you had to hang on to the greased tail of a cow

whilst it charged round a Viking hall.

Succeed and you could keep the cow and your life.

And if you're watching, Simon Cowell,

that's the kind of talent show I'd like to see.

Don't give him ideas, Rattus. Excellent, points all round.

And looking at that, we can see there's only one winner. It's Faye.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Do you know Year Spheres are actually rolled by ancient Egyptian beetles

out of camels' dung then sprayed gold?

-They're not, are they?

-No.

-No.

So, Faye, as the winner of the Viking Quiz,

you're through to play the Viking Game.

But will you be alone or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out, shall we?

It's an All Play Silly Game.

Get down that Time Sewer.

Well done, Faye.

After a hard week's looting and pillaging,

Vikings love nothing more than to relax on a Saturday and have a wash.

They even had tiny spoons to clean the wax from their ears,

Which is why we're playing...

Your challenge is to clean out a Viking ear,

carry the wobbly wax over the unstable bridge on your Viking

ear spoon and flick it in your bowl.

The person who gets the most earwax from ear to bowl

within the time limit wins the Year Sphere.

So, spoons at the ready as your time starts...now.

FOGHORN BLARES

And they're off. All three of them

trying to remove earwax with their decorative Viking ear spoons.

Oh, look at the wax pouring out of Faye's ear there.

Oh, and she's dropped a piece already.

Here's Aaron.

He's across very nicely there.

Nimble.

And, oh, Daniel, lovely, lovely.

Took the see-saw bridge well there, so did Faye.

Faye scores. So does Daniel. It's one apiece.

There is still everything to play for here, Rattus.

You know what? All this earwax is making me feel hungry.

HE GAGS

Another score there for Aaron. Nice. And here comes Daniel.

Oh, he's missed it.

And I suppose we ought to point out to people at home

that you should never put a spoon into your ear.

Or, for that matter, into a Viking's ear.

No, certainly not.

Faye scores a second.

But this could be a third for Aaron. It is.

Wow, do you know? Aaron really looks like he's done this before.

Yes, and... Well, where on earth would he have done this before?

I can't imagine. Good question.

So it's two for Daniel

and Faye's got a third.

Oh, and look at Aaron keeping half an eye on the other

competitors scores there as he bags a fourth.

And he hurries quickly back for more.

Here comes Faye.

30 seconds remaining.

Neatly over that bridge.

Oh, but she's missed the pot.

Disaster.

Daniel, a study of concentration.

Lovely stuff.

Aaron, another beautiful lump of wax.

He's got a two-wax-ball lead here.

That may well prove to be un-passable.

Another one there from Faye.

But Aaron's going to match that.

And Daniel gets himself up to a very respectable tied second.

But this is Aaron's for me.

-SIREN

-Time's up.

It's all over and Aaron has bagged himself a Year Sphere.

Welcome back, everybody. Well done.

That was incredibly close.

In joint second place, with four pieces of earwax,

Faye and Daniel.

The winner, with six pieces, Aaron. Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

We'll find out if that's AD or BC at the end of the show.

Right, on to Round Three.

To find out what's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

So four questions then on the Measly Middle Ages coming up.

Your four topics are...

And, Aaron, it is your turn to lead us off.

Erm, Punishments, please.

True or false? William the Conqueror banned executions.

What do you think - is that true or is that false?

Show me now, please.

Faye and Daniel think it's true.

Aaron thinks it's false.

Let's find out what the answer is.

It's true. For a short time, William the Conqueror banned executions.

Wow, what a nice man.

Instead, he had people's eyes gouged out.

Wow, what a horrible man.

He was a one.

Daniel and Faye, that's a point each.

And, Daniel, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Children, please.

True or false?

In Scotland and England in the Middle Ages, when a child

was christened, their family used to rub spit on their face.

Eurgh.

Could that possibly be true?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Everybody's gone for false.

Are they all right or are they all wrong? Let's find out.

It's true.

Saliva was rubbed into the ears and the nose to ward off evil.

Sounds a bit silly to me.

Well, if they did that to a loved one,

imagine what they did to people they didn't like.

RATTUS LAUGHS

So, no points there and, Faye, it's your turn to pick.

Cures, please.

And that is a question from Rattus Rattus.

And it's an unpleasant question. True or false?

One Middle Ages cure for the black death involved

killing all the town's rats.

Is that true or false?

Show me now, please.

Everybody has gone for false.

Rattus, what's the answer?

It is false, yeah.

But one cure did involve killing all the town's cats,

which sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

-Rattus!

-Just saying, just saying.

In fact it was us rats, or at least our fleas who were spreading

the disease, but nobody had figured that out back then.

Yes, but we've all worked it out now. Everyone gets a point.

There's one question left in this round. You're all still in it.

That question is on Superstitions, and this is what it is.

Is this true or false?

So, in the Middle Ages

some people believed there was a species of humans who grew

old super quickly and died when they were just seven years old. Is that true or false?

Let's have a look.

Well, a disagreement.

Daniel and Faye thought it was true

but Aaron thinks it's false.

What's the answer?

It's...

true.

That's another point for Daniel and another point for Faye.

So, Aaron, just for now you are history.

Faye and Daniel, we're in a tie break situation.

Beginning with the letter D,

name the room in a castle in which prisoners were held.

-Dungeon!

-Daniel.

-Dungeon.

Dungeon is absolutely right. Well done, Daniel.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Excellent. Everybody has a Year Sphere.

And well done, Daniel, you've won the Middle Ages quiz,

so that means you're through to play the Middle Ages Game.

But will you be on your own or will the others get to come along too?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Silly Game.

So, Daniel, off down the Time Sewer with you on your own.

Have you ever wondered what would happen

if you crossed a load of pigs with a piano?

No? Me neither, but we're about to find out anyway as we play...

Back in the 1400s, France's King Louis XI received a not very

musical instrument consisting of several pigs and a keyboard.

Each key triggered a spike which would prick a pig.

SQUEAL!

And each pig squealed a different note.

Your challenge is to listen to and repeat a sequence of piggy squeals.

The sequence will get one squeal longer each time.

Correctly repeat nine squeals within the time limit

and you'll win a Year Sphere.

Let's get squealing.

FOGHORN BLARES

So, here goes Daniel with the first sequence.

SQUEALING

Can he repeat it?

SQUEAL!

Look at that,

he's back out of the way just in case the poo should come.

I tell you what, I've never seen anyone look more anxiously

at a pig's bottom.

He's already in trouble with only four squeaks to cover.

SQUEAL!

Oh, he doesn't like this. He is very aware that

if he gets just one note wrong those pigs will let him have it.

PFFFRRRRT!

Oh, no! Oh, dear me!

And that jet of liquid poo tells us it's game over for Daniel.

Let's see that again in slow mo.

RATTUS LAUGHS

Oh, you like that, don't you, Rattus?

Pig poo everywhere.

Welcome back, Daniel. Welcome back. How was that for you, Daniel?

-Oh, it's very hard.

-It was very hard.

Really don't like that game.

What is it that you don't like about it?

-Mmm.

-Is it the poo?

Probably, yes, Rattus.

Cos I love the poo.

Well, maybe you should play it.

They won't let me.

It's the final round, and so it's over to the Gory Grid

one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

It's the final round which means no Quirky Quiz, instead we go

straight down the Time Sewer to play our big All Play Tudor Endgame.

Down you go.

-FAYE:

-I love Rattus Rattus!

THEY COUGH AND GAG

It's time to play...

As you may be aware, Henry VIII liked the odd pie or 20,

and your job is to feed His Royal Pie-ness

as many as possible.

The person who gets the most pies in their Henry's

mouth in the time limit, wins the Year Sphere.

Get ready. Three, two, one.

FOGHORN BLARES

And they are off and it's a slight false start there for Faye.

She dropped her pie.

Well, she's at a disadvantage but they're all safely away.

Here she goes. Oh, she's... And again.

Rattus, she pinged back there.

She certainly did, Dave. I'm assuming that the runway is, in fact,

covered in gravy from the pies.

Well, it might be.

-BURP!

-And Aaron scored. He's off the mark.

Daniel though not putting enough welly behind that one for me.

-BURP!

-But Aaron has scored another.

I'll tell you what, Rattus, if Henry VIII was that big,

how big were the other seven eighths?

It's a maths joke and I don't get it.

Yeah, tough crowd, wrong audience.

Ooh, and that's a close shave there for Aaron.

Even closer from Daniel.

Oh, now watch this.

I don't think Faye's over-arm technique is properly working here.

Oh, that was very, very close though.

-BURP!

-Oh, Aaron's got three.

Faye tried to bounce one in there.

Not sure what the ruling is on that, Rattus.

Luckily it's not relevant.

But Daniel yet to score, I think.

Oh, that one's fallen short, hasn't it?

That must have been short crust pastry.

LAUGHING: See what you did there. Short crust! Oh, you're funny.

Great stuff. A brilliant comment by me.

No joy for anyone that time though.

I think they're beginning to tire here, aren't they?

Feeding Henry is hard work.

-BURP!

-Daniel scores.

Lovely shot, sir. Lovely shot.

Faye getting pinged back.

30 seconds remaining.

30 seconds.

Oh, dear, some of the food's landing on the floor there.

Oh, the old five-second rule applies, Dave.

If nobody picks it up in five seconds, it's mine.

That's not the five-second rule.

Aaron is winning this by a country mile, isn't he?

I mean, he's just firing. I like his throwing technique.

I wonder where he's learned that, Rattus.

-BURP!

-And there's a fifth.

With only seconds left to play

there's no way he's going to be caught now.

There he is, the pie champion elect.

-SIREN

-Time's up.

It's all over, Faye throws down her pie. She's not happy.

The Pie Man nods. He knows when he's seen a good game

and that is what Aaron has had.

Welcome back, everybody.

Terrific pie flinging.

I can tell you that we had a clear winner in the game.

It wasn't Daniel. It wasn't Faye. It was Aaron.

Congratulations. Help yourself to a Year Sphere. The last one today.

There we go.

Whoa, trembling hand places it back on the podium.

How did you find it, Daniel?

Very hard, it kept on pulling me back and I was like...

Couldn't just do it.

What about you, Faye?

Oh, I loved it.

THEY LAUGH

Aaron, you were the king of that game.

What was your technique based on?

At home I like magic a lot

and I practice flicking cards so...

-So it was like flicking a giant card for you?

-Yeah.

Brilliant.

Now it's time to count up those Year Spheres and, remember,

AD dates are added and BC dates are subtracted.

It's the moment of truth.

Daniel, open up your sphere for me, please.

Oh, dear, Daniel.

It's 1213 BC.

The death of Pharaoh Ramses II.

Bad luck but you never know.

Faye, open up your first one for us.

There we go. It's a good one.

1381 AD. The Peasants' Revolt was that year.

Let's have a look at that second one.

Please, be good.

1702 AD, very good. The death of King William III.

The all-important third one. This could be crucial.

Let's have a look at it.

Ooooh.

Oh, it's bad but it's not too bad.

450 BC. The first set of Roman laws were written that year.

Faye you've ended up with

a total of 2633

and that is what Aaron has to beat.

So open up that first one for us, Aaron. Let's see what you've got.

1819 AD. A very good start.

The year Queen Victoria was born.

It's all on the turn

of the last sphere. What've you got?

Oh, it's 508 BC.

Democracy was invented in Athens

but it's left your tilt at the title in tatters. I'm afraid.

That means that today's winner is Faye.

And our winners, Faye, never go home empty-handed,

although most of them wish they had as all our prizes are fished

out of the Time Sewers by a stinking rodent.

But today's prize is no stinker, Faye.

Oh, no! In fact, today's prize is a breath of fresh air.

Really?

Yes. Lots of breaths of fresh air, in fact, because it's a pair of lungs!

A pair of inflated llama lungs,

which the Incans believed could tell the future.

Oh, what's that? Someone's about to be given a crummy prize?

Well, do you know what, Rattus? They work.

Faye, there you go.

Many apologies that it's in fact just some lungs on a bit of wood.

And commiserations to our runners-up Daniel and Aaron,

who I'm afraid are about to get flushed home down the Time Sewer.

Off you go then. See you. Well played.

If you want to play along at home next time,

don't forget to download the Gory Games app.

RATTUS LAUGHS

Well, I've been your host with the most, Dave Lamb.

He's been your beast with the least, Rattus Rattus.

-Cheeky.

-I know.

-You've been watching Gory Games. Good bye.

-Good bye.

# Horrible Histories Gory...

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