Episode 10 Horrible Histories


Episode 10

Historical sketch show. King Charles I sends someone else to get married for him, a new recruit regrets joining the Georgian army, and Queen Cleopatra reveals her beauty secrets.


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Transcript


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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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The famous Battle of Hastings took place in 1066.

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If you want to know what happened, look at the Bayeux Tapestry.

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It tells the whole story.

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..she fell over!

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You're watching News At 1066, with me, Dagbar Broadaxe...

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..and me, Matilda Highwimple.

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We bring you news of a major battle at Hastings on the Sussex coast.

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Reports of the battle are only just beginning to reach us,

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-live by tapestry.

-We must apologise for the time delay,

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but these scenes have taken a while to embroider.

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It all seems to have started with the funeral of King Edward,

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after which Harold became King of England,

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and this annoyed William of Normandy who thought the crown

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had been promised to him.

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These exclusive pictures show the Normans building

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their invasion fleet, stockpiling weapons and setting sail for England.

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No resistance when they landed as Harold was away fighting Vikings

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in Yorkshire at the time.

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Do we know yet what the Normans did when they landed?

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Well, Matilda, they do come from France so they cooked themselves

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a massive meal.

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Let's take a look now at the war zone itself.

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This report contains scenes of violence

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-which viewers may find disturbing.

-We're in the thick of battle

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and it looks like the English infantry have left the high ground

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-and been trapped by the Norman cavalry...

-Sorry to interrupt.

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We're getting some breaking news. It looks like King Harold...

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has been killed. That's what we're hearing.

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Yes, King Harold has been killed.

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We don't know yet whether King Harold is the one you can see

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with the arrow in his eye or the one on the right,

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being chopped down with the sword, it could be either.

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It looks like it's all over.

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So, William is now officially the Conqueror and the Normans

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have taken over Anglo-Saxon England.

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It's a truly sad day for us all.

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-FRENCH ACCENT:

-What's that you are saying?

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I was actually going to say it was a very happy day.

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Oh, happy day. Isn't that right, Matilda?

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Yes, Dagbert. Ooh, yippee.

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Yes. Bonjour!

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Most historians think the Bayeux Tapestry was made in Canterbury

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in Kent, a few years after 1066.

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Today, it is in a museum in Bayeaux in France.

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Tickets are 8 Euros for adults, 4 for children and rats go free

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if they shimmy down the drainpipe, ha-ha-ha-ha!

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And it wasn't just tapestries.

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War provided inspiration for songs in the Middle Ages as well.

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Out now! The latest album from Middle Ages French troubadour,

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Bertran de Born...

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Lyre solo!

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Also featuring his other best-ever lyrics...

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Buy it now before Bertrand gives up and becomes a monk!

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Listen, kiddo. You were dreadful. Just dreadful.

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'ow dare you?!

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When you become a monk, I hope you take a vow of silence.

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Zat Simon Cowell is so nasty and 'orrible.

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I must write a song about 'im!

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# Simon Cow-ell Simon Cow-ell

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# Your trousers are too high And everybody prefers Cheryl... #

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Victorian Britain was a very dangerous place to grow up.

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In fact, only half of Victorian children lived to the age of five.

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Good day.

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EASTENDERS THEME TUNE

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Right, better give these dishes a good clean.

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Oh, hello, love.

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You're back early.

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How was the factory?

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You are not going to believe this.

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The managers wound the clock forward half hour,

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then fined us for being half hour late.

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-Oh, honestly!

-Unbelievable.

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-Dad?

-What is it, seventh child?

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-It's my birthday.

-Is it?

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-How old are you?

-Five.

-Five?!

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-Well done, lad!

-So...you haven't got me a present?

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-We didn't think you'd make it this far.

-What would you like?

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I'd like a name.

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A name?

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Well, the thing is, son...

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Coming up with good names is very tricky.

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Given you only had a 50% chance of surviving as far as you have,

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we just thought we wouldn't bother.

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That's why we call you seventh child.

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I suppose he could have a name.

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It is his birthday, after all.

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OK. Um...

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Oh! What about...Jack?

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Ah! Jack it is then!

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Oh! I've got an even better present for you.

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-What is it?

-A job.

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-Oh!

-Now you're five years old,

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you can come and work in the factory with your old dad.

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You start tomorrow, 6 o'clock sharp.

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Actually, best make it 5.30, in case they try that clock trick again.

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How will we top this for his next birthday?!

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He'll be cleaning the cogs in the new machine at the factory,

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so I don't think we need to worry about next birthday.

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It's true. In Victorian times,

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many poor children went to work in dangerous factories

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from the age of five! Five!

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Some people got to work in nice, posh houses instead.

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But then - that wasn't much fun either.

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Hi! I'm a shouty man!

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I'm here to tell you about new Victorian Maid,

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the labour-saving revolution!

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..or at least without getting a break!

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Is there no end to what Victorian Maid can do?

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Not if you give it a long enough list!

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What's more...

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..then we'll replace it with a younger model,

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for the same low, low price!

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..and we'll include this unique honesty test, free of charge!

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Simply place the coin under a rug and if it's not found,

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that's bad cleaning!

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Time to replace Victorian Maid! CRASH!

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Or if it is found, and not given back to you,

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that's dishonest! Time to replace Victorian Maid! CRASH!

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New Victorian Maid can be yours for the incredible low, low price...

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Now, that's a bargain!

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Try new Victorian Maid today!

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So I think we've established we Victorians

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were pretty vile to each other.

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Well, we were pretty vile to other creatures, too.

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Oh, yes, we were.

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Greetings, terror lovers.

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I am Vincenzo Laffov.

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This week's sca-a-ary story is from the Victorian Times.

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It's called...The Freaks!

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It was in the reign of Queen Victoria, a most eerie era

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of fearful years, when a dark new trend gripped the world -

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the freakshow!

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JAUNTY CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

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That could not be less like the music I had in mind.

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Try track seven.

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MORE JAUNTY CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

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Track eight?

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GOTHIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

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The freakshow was a most vulgar place

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where those with unusual bodies or unique gifts

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were made to perform, as freaks, for the amusement of a gasping public.

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But amongst the bearded ladies and pin-headed men

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lurked a creature truly deserving of the name...freak.

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The Fiji Mermaid!

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The crazed creature had a head and arms almost human in appearance.

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But, from the waist down, it's body was that of a fish!

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But this mermaid was not alive.

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Just imagine the shock, the fear, the REVULSION, felt by those

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who witnessed a true, living, breathing freak!

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The pig-faced lady!

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OINK! OINK!

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That's just not scary, is it?

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Can we try slowing it down?

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GRUNT! GRUNT!

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It'll have to do.

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As the eager public entered her tent,

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there was the lady!

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Her eyes dark and hooded, her face wide and grizzled.

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Her nose pushed forwards into a wet, wrinkled snout.

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From her cavernous mouth came not a voice, but growls

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and snorts that shook the tent around her.

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What was this pig-faced lady?

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And the answer - it was...

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a shaved bear...what?

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The pig-faced lady wasn't a lady, it was a drugged bear?

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With its fur shaved off?

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And the mermaid was a dead monkey?!

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Sewn onto a fish?

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And covered in papier mache?

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Can someone on this production please get a dictionary

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and look up the word "scary"?

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I turned down a film premiere to do this, you know.

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But I'm here, reading some rubbish about dead monkeys.

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That's it.

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I'm burning the book.

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Don't try and stop me. No, no, get off!

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I'm burning it!

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Hiya, fashion fans, and welcome to Historical Fashion Fix.

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This week, I'll be making over a smelly Celtic farmer,

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so best take some precautions.

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Let's meet Drostan.

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You look perfectly clean!

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-HE SNIFFS

-You smell good too!

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-Celts do use soap.

-My apologies, Drostan, let's start over.

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-Tell us a bit about yourself.

-I hate Romans.

-OK.

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-And any hobbies?

-Hating Romans.

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Well, you're in luck, because I'll be making you over

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as the ultimate Celtic warrior, a Roman-killing psycho.

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-(Yes!)

-First, let's do something about that ridiculous moustache.

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It isn't nearly ridiculous enough!

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There! Shorter hair and a longer moustache,

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that really says Celtic warrior.

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The hair is spiked and bleached using crushed up limestone -

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natures all-in-one bleach and hair gel.

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Nice.

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You go, Drostan.

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-So, can I go and kill some Romans now?

-Soon.

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-First, we have to get you out of those clothes.

-All right.

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-So, what am I going to wear?

-Nothing.

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W-what?

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Well, you do get to wear this...

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There.

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-What, is that it?

-Your neck band is carved with signs to bring you

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-good luck in battle.

-I'm going to need it, aren't I, mate?

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If I'm fighting in my birthday suit. I'm nude! Look at me, I'm nude.

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All right. Going to have some trouble with this one.

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We've got some woad leaves here.

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And I've squished up the seeds into a lovely blue dye.

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Whoa, what are you doing with that?

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There, every inch the Celtic warrior.

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I look ridiculous.

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The flowers were my idea.

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What flowers...? Oh!

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What's he doing?

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HE GROWLS ANGRILY

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What are you doing?!

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Working my way up into a Celtic warrior battle frenzy.

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I go absolutely bananas and then kill everything in my path.

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Not on my show...

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sister.

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That's it for this week. Join us next time,

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when I'll be teaching a Saxon monk how to jazz up his cassock

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with a viking's axe in his head. See you then.

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-I'm really sorry about...

-It's OK.

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It's true, some Celtic warriors fought naked.

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Yeah, they believed that if the gods decided today was their day to die,

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then all the armour in the world wasn't going to protect them.

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And did you know, one of the most famous Celtic warriors

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was actually a woman?

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# Gonna cause a stink

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# Won't be the first to blink

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# I'm not who you think Don't mess with me

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# I'm Boudicca

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# My husband Prasutagus died He was a Celtic king

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# I was his queen, so due to me Was half of everything

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# Roman law gave half to me So half was what they got

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# Till their nasty soldiers came And took the blessed lot

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# Hey, mister, I'd say You got the wrong end of the stick

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# His answer turned this sister Into one angry chick

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# No man, Roman

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# Will push around this woman

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# You won't get far with Boudicca

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# Foe man, yeoman

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# Smash the Roman foe man

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# All say yah

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-# Yah!

-Boudicca

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# I built a massive army Headed straight for the city

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# Beat 'em all with ease And like me, it wasn't pretty

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# Chopped 'em and hacked But what made their red blood curl

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# Bad enough being beaten But beaten by a girl?!

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# Whacked 'em, smacked 'em

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# Boy, how we attacked 'em

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# Near and far Hah-hah-hah!

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# Flayed 'em, slayed 'em Up and down parade 'em

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# Boudicca Toughest by far

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# Colchester, London, St Albans

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# Everybody talk about dead Romans

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# We marched on up the Roman road

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# That's known as Watling Street

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# They trapped us in the forest

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# Then thrashed us to our defeat

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# By now you've guessed I'm not The kind of girl to sit and cry

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# Be sold a slave to Romans? You know I'd rather die

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# They tried to take me prisoner So I led the Roman boys on

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# Instead of giving in to them I swallowed special poison

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# Martyr, smarter Capture a non-starter

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# This was our last hurrah

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# Slaughtered, dismembered

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# Our tribe always remembered

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# Boudicca, superstar

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# Boudicca

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# Superstar. #

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Don't diss this miss.

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Everyone knows that weddings can be a bit boring.

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But King Charles I certainly made sure that his bride

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would never forget their wedding day.

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IN FRENCH ACCENT: You look beautiful.

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Thank you.

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Who are you?

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Oh, sorry, I am the Duc de Chevreuse.

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I am going to marry you today. Enchante.

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What? Where's King Charles I?

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I'm supposed to marry him. Not you.

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You could do worse. I'm a duke.

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-He's a king!

-Oh, yeah. Yes, I suppose he is.

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Anyway, he said to say he's very sorry but he's a bit busy,

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so would you mind if I stood in for him for the whole wedding thing?

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Stood in?

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Yeah, well, you know, it's a bit difficult for him.

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There's this dirty business with religion - you're Catholic, he's not.

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Plus you're in France, he's not.

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So in the end, I just thought it might be easier to...

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pop down and get married for him.

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Does he not want to marry me, then?

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Oh, no, no, no, no. He's got this whole second wedding planned

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when you get to England next month.

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A big church in Canterbury, a nice Protestant ceremony,

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big silly cake!

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-OK, then.

-Magnifique.

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Ready when you are.

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Do you, Henrietta Maria,

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take a man who is not here but somehow knows this man,

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to be your lawfully wedded husband?

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I do.

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And does King Charles I

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take this woman to be his lawfully wedded wife?

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Yeah, apparently he does.

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Then I now pronounce you friend of the husband

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and somebody else's wife.

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You may kiss the other fellow's bride.

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How dare you! I am the wife of King Charles I...

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I think... Sort of.

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I'm so sorry, I always cry at weddings.

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It's true, Charles I didn't want

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a Catholic wedding in a foreign country.

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So he got the Duc de Chevreuse to stand in for him.

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In fact, thanks to King Charles

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there were lots of crazy goings-on in church in the Stuart era.

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Here endeth the lesson.

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ALL: Amen.

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Now, before we begin prayers today,

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I have to inform you there's to be a wee change to the proceedings.

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"A wee change." I don't like the sound of that...

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Please, it's a decree from our King, Charles I,

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which demands we now use these new Church of England prayer books.

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So if we could just turn to page 109...

0:18:200:18:22

What?

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We're Scottish. We don't need some prayer book from England.

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We're happy with our own prayer books, thank you very much.

0:18:280:18:31

I know, but the King wants all church services in Britain

0:18:310:18:33

-to be the same, so...

-We're Puritans,

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we like our services to be plain and simple like our prayer books.

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Not all elaborate and fancy like the English ones.

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Aye, who cares what the King says?

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MURMUR OF AGREEMENT

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I have to read from it, it's the law.

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I'll get into trouble if I don't.

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You're no' right, you. I'm no' happy.

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Please... Right, I knew there'd be trouble. Good job I came prepared.

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Right...

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Let's just be absolutely clear, shall we?

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Hands up who's happy to read from

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the new Church of England prayer book?

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I thought so.

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Our father...

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which art in heaven...

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..hallowed be thy name.

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Welcome back to HHTV Sport, bringing you exclusive live sporting events

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from the past.

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Today, we're at the Georgian Games.

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We can go ringside with John and Steve for our big fight live.

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And what a spectacle we're in for.

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Good afternoon, there's a real sense of excitement for today's big fight.

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There certainly is, John. These players look very evenly matched.

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We could be in for a real corker.

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Seconds out...

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BELL RINGS ..round one.

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And they're straight in to the first pinch.

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Oh, it's a good strong pinch to the upper arm there.

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And he's showing no signs of pain whatsoever.

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That's what you've got to do to win a Georgian pinching match.

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For those unfamiliar with the game, could you remind us of the rules?

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The two competitors stand toe-to-toe and simply take it in turns

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-to pinch each other.

-Right.

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They can't cry out. If they do, it's game over.

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So if I was to do this...

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Ow!

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-..I'd have won the game.

-Yeah, and if I were to do this...

-Ahh!

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..I would have won the game.

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Ow, seriously!

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Aaaagh!

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Oh, it's all over, let's look at that final pinch

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once again, in slow motion.

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Yes, it's a clinical pinch to the ribs.

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-That looks like it hurt.

-Absolutely.

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So, let's see what's coming up in these Georgian Games.

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4pm, we have the greased-goose grabbing final.

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And at 5pm, live and exclusive, we have women fighting for money.

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And what about the football, John?

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-No, football's rubbish.

-Well, I like it.

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It's a fad, Steve, it's a fad.

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I'm sure long after people have gone off football,

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they'll still be into pinching matches and greased-goose grabbing.

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Back to the studio.

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That's right, Georgians used to enjoy watching people

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trying to grab a dead, greased goose.

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The winner was the one who pulled its head off. Eugh!

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And if you think that's shocking,

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then you obviously haven't heard about our Georgian army.

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Hello, sergeant, I'm your new recruit.

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Come to serve your country, have you? That's very noble of you, sir.

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Have you signed your army contract, sir?

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Certainly have, there it is.

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Right, you horrible little man,

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why aren't you in uniform? You're a disgrace to the army.

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Here, put this jacket on.

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-It's not very camouflaged, is it?

-Of course it isn't.

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We want your mates to be able to see you easily

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and not shoot you when you're on a smoky battlefield.

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Won't the enemy be able to easily see me on the battlefield?

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Of course they will,

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they'll be standing 50 yards away in a straight line shooting at you.

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That's how Georgian armies fight.

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Left-right, left-right...

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Get your knees up, you horrible little man.

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The army thrives on discipline.

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You'll be practising drill three hours a day, every day,

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and you will like it.

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Recruit...halt!

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HE PANTS

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You hungry, son?

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-Good, it's time for your rations.

-Oh, good.

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Eugh, it's covered in maggots.

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Oh, you'll get used to that. I call that extra-meat rations.

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That's good old, honest Georgian army food, that is.

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Right, time for rifle practice.

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I will now present you with your weapon. It's called a Brown Bess.

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-Lovely, isn't she?

-Cool, may I?

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Yeah, just hold it up to your shoulder and pull the trigger.

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Sorry about that, you're left handed, aren't you?

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You can only fire the Brown Bess with your right hand,

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otherwise the flash goes off in your face.

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I don't want to be in the army anymore.

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Oh, it's too late for that, son.

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You're mine for the next ten years.

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Now, on the double, quick-march.

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Left-right, left-right...

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Oh, forgotten his rations.

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That's more for me. Oh, look, there's a beetle there.

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Mmm, I like the crunchy shell. Oh, that's lovely that.

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Ancient Egyptian Queen Cleopatra

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went to a lot of trouble to look her best.

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Here's how she did it.

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Hi, girls, ever look in the mirror and see this...

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when you were hoping to see this?

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Yeah, me too. That's why I follow...

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And now you can too. Just listen and learn.

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If you want your skin to be nice and smooth like mine,

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why not bathe in asses' milk?

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Eugh! How long has that been there? It really stinks.

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Enhance those eyes by painting them with black lead.

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Hang on, isn't this like really poisonous?

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What are you trying to do to me?

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Looking better already? You bet I am.

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And this eye make-up repels flies.

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Well, I'm not surprised, it is poisonous.

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Bring a dash of colour to your cheeks

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with this red ochre made from clay.

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Clay? What, like they make pots out of?

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Actually, that does kind of work. Amazing, isn't it?

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And now for the final touch.

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That beauty accessory that no female Pharaoh is complete without -

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a beard.

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It's not funny, it just tickles.

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It's all true. 100% accu-rat.

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Pharaohs were supposed to be men,

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so Cleopatra had to wear a false beard

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whenever she did a sacred task,

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like pray for the sun to come up every morning.

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Personally, I like girls with a bit of facial hair.

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But then, I would, wouldn't I? I am a rat.

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The answer is...all three were used in medicines

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by ancient Eqyptian doctors.

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Oh, it's really sore.

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Try not to touch it, the doctor will be round soon.

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Good. What are the doctors like round here?

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Yeah, they're very professional and...

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OK, for some reason we don't understand,

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they all seem to be from different historical periods

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and their methods are quite frankly...mad.

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Good morning, Mrs Carter, I'm Dr Jenkins.

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You're in luck, he's one of our modern doctors.

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Oh, thank goodness.

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-So what seems to be the...?

-So sorry I'm late.

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My name's Dr Isis and I'm from ancient Egypt.

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-I'll take it from here.

-Of course.

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No, don't go. You know what they're like.

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He'll do a load of weird stuff to her and she'll probably

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end up dying or something.

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Nonsense, I've had all the latest ancient Egyptian medical training.

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Now, that is a nasty gash above the right eye.

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I'd be tempted to rub some honey into that.

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-See?

-Honey is actually a rather good antiseptic.

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Ideal for treating a wound such as that.

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Oh, well, what about the pain?

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Well, I've got some dried leaves from a myrtle bush here in my bag.

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I'd probably feed the patient a few of those.

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He wants her to eat leaves?

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Yes, but myrtle leaves are very rich in salicylic acid.

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It's a basic form of things like aspirin,

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So ideal for treating mild pain.

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Actually, I feel quite sick now.

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I've got just the thing for that. A lovely bit of limestone. Mmm.

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He wants her to eat a rock.

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Yes, limestone is calcium carbonate.

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Powdered up, it's the same as we use to treat stomach complaints today.

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I'd say that Dr Isis actually has some very good treatments.

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What?

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Looks like there could be a little infection there, what do you think?

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Yes, that could lead to blindness.

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Which I would treat by mashing up a pig's eye

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with a little bit of honey and a little bit of red powder

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and then pouring the mixture into the patient's ear.

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Yeah, he's mad. Get him.

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No! How dare you, I'm not mad.

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Aaaagh, mummy!

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Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

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Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.

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Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

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