Episode 10 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

The famous Battle of Hastings took place in 1066.

If you want to know what happened, look at the Bayeux Tapestry.

It tells the whole story.

..she fell over!

You're watching News At 1066, with me, Dagbar Broadaxe...

..and me, Matilda Highwimple.

We bring you news of a major battle at Hastings on the Sussex coast.

Reports of the battle are only just beginning to reach us,

-live by tapestry.

-We must apologise for the time delay,

but these scenes have taken a while to embroider.

It all seems to have started with the funeral of King Edward,

after which Harold became King of England,

and this annoyed William of Normandy who thought the crown

had been promised to him.

These exclusive pictures show the Normans building

their invasion fleet, stockpiling weapons and setting sail for England.

No resistance when they landed as Harold was away fighting Vikings

in Yorkshire at the time.

Do we know yet what the Normans did when they landed?

Well, Matilda, they do come from France so they cooked themselves

a massive meal.

Let's take a look now at the war zone itself.

This report contains scenes of violence

-which viewers may find disturbing.

-We're in the thick of battle

and it looks like the English infantry have left the high ground

-and been trapped by the Norman cavalry...

-Sorry to interrupt.

We're getting some breaking news. It looks like King Harold...

has been killed. That's what we're hearing.

Yes, King Harold has been killed.

We don't know yet whether King Harold is the one you can see

with the arrow in his eye or the one on the right,

being chopped down with the sword, it could be either.

It looks like it's all over.

So, William is now officially the Conqueror and the Normans

have taken over Anglo-Saxon England.

It's a truly sad day for us all.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-What's that you are saying?

I was actually going to say it was a very happy day.

Oh, happy day. Isn't that right, Matilda?

Yes, Dagbert. Ooh, yippee.

Yes. Bonjour!

Most historians think the Bayeux Tapestry was made in Canterbury

in Kent, a few years after 1066.

Today, it is in a museum in Bayeaux in France.

Tickets are 8 Euros for adults, 4 for children and rats go free

if they shimmy down the drainpipe, ha-ha-ha-ha!

And it wasn't just tapestries.

War provided inspiration for songs in the Middle Ages as well.

Out now! The latest album from Middle Ages French troubadour,

Bertran de Born...

Lyre solo!

Also featuring his other best-ever lyrics...

Buy it now before Bertrand gives up and becomes a monk!

Listen, kiddo. You were dreadful. Just dreadful.

'ow dare you?!

When you become a monk, I hope you take a vow of silence.

Zat Simon Cowell is so nasty and 'orrible.

I must write a song about 'im!

# Simon Cow-ell Simon Cow-ell

# Your trousers are too high And everybody prefers Cheryl... #

Victorian Britain was a very dangerous place to grow up.

In fact, only half of Victorian children lived to the age of five.

Good day.

EASTENDERS THEME TUNE

Right, better give these dishes a good clean.

Oh, hello, love.

You're back early.

How was the factory?

You are not going to believe this.

The managers wound the clock forward half hour,

then fined us for being half hour late.

-Oh, honestly!

-Unbelievable.

-Dad?

-What is it, seventh child?

-It's my birthday.

-Is it?

-How old are you?

-Five.

-Five?!

-Well done, lad!

-So...you haven't got me a present?

-We didn't think you'd make it this far.

-What would you like?

I'd like a name.

A name?

Well, the thing is, son...

Coming up with good names is very tricky.

Given you only had a 50% chance of surviving as far as you have,

we just thought we wouldn't bother.

That's why we call you seventh child.

I suppose he could have a name.

It is his birthday, after all.

OK. Um...

Oh! What about...Jack?

Ah! Jack it is then!

Oh! I've got an even better present for you.

-What is it?

-A job.

-Oh!

-Now you're five years old,

you can come and work in the factory with your old dad.

You start tomorrow, 6 o'clock sharp.

Actually, best make it 5.30, in case they try that clock trick again.

How will we top this for his next birthday?!

He'll be cleaning the cogs in the new machine at the factory,

so I don't think we need to worry about next birthday.

It's true. In Victorian times,

many poor children went to work in dangerous factories

from the age of five! Five!

Some people got to work in nice, posh houses instead.

But then - that wasn't much fun either.

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So I think we've established we Victorians

were pretty vile to each other.

Well, we were pretty vile to other creatures, too.

Oh, yes, we were.

Greetings, terror lovers.

I am Vincenzo Laffov.

This week's sca-a-ary story is from the Victorian Times.

It's called...The Freaks!

It was in the reign of Queen Victoria, a most eerie era

of fearful years, when a dark new trend gripped the world -

the freakshow!

JAUNTY CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

That could not be less like the music I had in mind.

Try track seven.

MORE JAUNTY CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

Track eight?

GOTHIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

The freakshow was a most vulgar place

where those with unusual bodies or unique gifts

were made to perform, as freaks, for the amusement of a gasping public.

But amongst the bearded ladies and pin-headed men

lurked a creature truly deserving of the name...freak.

The Fiji Mermaid!

The crazed creature had a head and arms almost human in appearance.

But, from the waist down, it's body was that of a fish!

But this mermaid was not alive.

Just imagine the shock, the fear, the REVULSION, felt by those

who witnessed a true, living, breathing freak!

The pig-faced lady!

OINK! OINK!

That's just not scary, is it?

Can we try slowing it down?

GRUNT! GRUNT!

It'll have to do.

As the eager public entered her tent,

there was the lady!

Her eyes dark and hooded, her face wide and grizzled.

Her nose pushed forwards into a wet, wrinkled snout.

From her cavernous mouth came not a voice, but growls

and snorts that shook the tent around her.

What was this pig-faced lady?

And the answer - it was...

a shaved bear...what?

The pig-faced lady wasn't a lady, it was a drugged bear?

With its fur shaved off?

And the mermaid was a dead monkey?!

Sewn onto a fish?

And covered in papier mache?

Can someone on this production please get a dictionary

and look up the word "scary"?

I turned down a film premiere to do this, you know.

But I'm here, reading some rubbish about dead monkeys.

That's it.

I'm burning the book.

Don't try and stop me. No, no, get off!

I'm burning it!

Hiya, fashion fans, and welcome to Historical Fashion Fix.

This week, I'll be making over a smelly Celtic farmer,

so best take some precautions.

Let's meet Drostan.

You look perfectly clean!

-HE SNIFFS

-You smell good too!

-Celts do use soap.

-My apologies, Drostan, let's start over.

-Tell us a bit about yourself.

-I hate Romans.

-OK.

-And any hobbies?

-Hating Romans.

Well, you're in luck, because I'll be making you over

as the ultimate Celtic warrior, a Roman-killing psycho.

-(Yes!)

-First, let's do something about that ridiculous moustache.

It isn't nearly ridiculous enough!

There! Shorter hair and a longer moustache,

that really says Celtic warrior.

The hair is spiked and bleached using crushed up limestone -

natures all-in-one bleach and hair gel.

Nice.

You go, Drostan.

-So, can I go and kill some Romans now?

-Soon.

-First, we have to get you out of those clothes.

-All right.

-So, what am I going to wear?

-Nothing.

W-what?

Well, you do get to wear this...

There.

-What, is that it?

-Your neck band is carved with signs to bring you

-good luck in battle.

-I'm going to need it, aren't I, mate?

If I'm fighting in my birthday suit. I'm nude! Look at me, I'm nude.

All right. Going to have some trouble with this one.

We've got some woad leaves here.

And I've squished up the seeds into a lovely blue dye.

Whoa, what are you doing with that?

There, every inch the Celtic warrior.

I look ridiculous.

The flowers were my idea.

What flowers...? Oh!

What's he doing?

HE GROWLS ANGRILY

What are you doing?!

Working my way up into a Celtic warrior battle frenzy.

I go absolutely bananas and then kill everything in my path.

Not on my show...

sister.

That's it for this week. Join us next time,

when I'll be teaching a Saxon monk how to jazz up his cassock

with a viking's axe in his head. See you then.

-I'm really sorry about...

-It's OK.

It's true, some Celtic warriors fought naked.

Yeah, they believed that if the gods decided today was their day to die,

then all the armour in the world wasn't going to protect them.

And did you know, one of the most famous Celtic warriors

was actually a woman?

# Gonna cause a stink

# Won't be the first to blink

# I'm not who you think Don't mess with me

# I'm Boudicca

# My husband Prasutagus died He was a Celtic king

# I was his queen, so due to me Was half of everything

# Roman law gave half to me So half was what they got

# Till their nasty soldiers came And took the blessed lot

# Hey, mister, I'd say You got the wrong end of the stick

# His answer turned this sister Into one angry chick

# No man, Roman

# Will push around this woman

# You won't get far with Boudicca

# Foe man, yeoman

# Smash the Roman foe man

# All say yah

-# Yah!

-Boudicca

# I built a massive army Headed straight for the city

# Beat 'em all with ease And like me, it wasn't pretty

# Chopped 'em and hacked But what made their red blood curl

# Bad enough being beaten But beaten by a girl?!

# Whacked 'em, smacked 'em

# Boy, how we attacked 'em

# Near and far Hah-hah-hah!

# Flayed 'em, slayed 'em Up and down parade 'em

# Boudicca Toughest by far

# Colchester, London, St Albans

# Everybody talk about dead Romans

# We marched on up the Roman road

# That's known as Watling Street

# They trapped us in the forest

# Then thrashed us to our defeat

# By now you've guessed I'm not The kind of girl to sit and cry

# Be sold a slave to Romans? You know I'd rather die

# They tried to take me prisoner So I led the Roman boys on

# Instead of giving in to them I swallowed special poison

# Martyr, smarter Capture a non-starter

# This was our last hurrah

# Slaughtered, dismembered

# Our tribe always remembered

# Boudicca, superstar

# Boudicca

# Superstar. #

Don't diss this miss.

Everyone knows that weddings can be a bit boring.

But King Charles I certainly made sure that his bride

would never forget their wedding day.

IN FRENCH ACCENT: You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Who are you?

Oh, sorry, I am the Duc de Chevreuse.

I am going to marry you today. Enchante.

What? Where's King Charles I?

I'm supposed to marry him. Not you.

You could do worse. I'm a duke.

-He's a king!

-Oh, yeah. Yes, I suppose he is.

Anyway, he said to say he's very sorry but he's a bit busy,

so would you mind if I stood in for him for the whole wedding thing?

Stood in?

Yeah, well, you know, it's a bit difficult for him.

There's this dirty business with religion - you're Catholic, he's not.

Plus you're in France, he's not.

So in the end, I just thought it might be easier to...

pop down and get married for him.

Does he not want to marry me, then?

Oh, no, no, no, no. He's got this whole second wedding planned

when you get to England next month.

A big church in Canterbury, a nice Protestant ceremony,

big silly cake!

-OK, then.

-Magnifique.

Ready when you are.

Do you, Henrietta Maria,

take a man who is not here but somehow knows this man,

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And does King Charles I

take this woman to be his lawfully wedded wife?

Yeah, apparently he does.

Then I now pronounce you friend of the husband

and somebody else's wife.

You may kiss the other fellow's bride.

How dare you! I am the wife of King Charles I...

I think... Sort of.

I'm so sorry, I always cry at weddings.

It's true, Charles I didn't want

a Catholic wedding in a foreign country.

So he got the Duc de Chevreuse to stand in for him.

In fact, thanks to King Charles

there were lots of crazy goings-on in church in the Stuart era.

Here endeth the lesson.

ALL: Amen.

Now, before we begin prayers today,

I have to inform you there's to be a wee change to the proceedings.

"A wee change." I don't like the sound of that...

Please, it's a decree from our King, Charles I,

which demands we now use these new Church of England prayer books.

So if we could just turn to page 109...

What?

We're Scottish. We don't need some prayer book from England.

We're happy with our own prayer books, thank you very much.

I know, but the King wants all church services in Britain

-to be the same, so...

-We're Puritans,

we like our services to be plain and simple like our prayer books.

Not all elaborate and fancy like the English ones.

Aye, who cares what the King says?

MURMUR OF AGREEMENT

I have to read from it, it's the law.

I'll get into trouble if I don't.

You're no' right, you. I'm no' happy.

Please... Right, I knew there'd be trouble. Good job I came prepared.

Right...

Let's just be absolutely clear, shall we?

Hands up who's happy to read from

the new Church of England prayer book?

I thought so.

Our father...

which art in heaven...

..hallowed be thy name.

Welcome back to HHTV Sport, bringing you exclusive live sporting events

from the past.

Today, we're at the Georgian Games.

We can go ringside with John and Steve for our big fight live.

And what a spectacle we're in for.

Good afternoon, there's a real sense of excitement for today's big fight.

There certainly is, John. These players look very evenly matched.

We could be in for a real corker.

Seconds out...

BELL RINGS ..round one.

And they're straight in to the first pinch.

Oh, it's a good strong pinch to the upper arm there.

And he's showing no signs of pain whatsoever.

That's what you've got to do to win a Georgian pinching match.

For those unfamiliar with the game, could you remind us of the rules?

The two competitors stand toe-to-toe and simply take it in turns

-to pinch each other.

-Right.

They can't cry out. If they do, it's game over.

So if I was to do this...

Ow!

-..I'd have won the game.

-Yeah, and if I were to do this...

-Ahh!

..I would have won the game.

Ow, seriously!

Aaaagh!

Oh, it's all over, let's look at that final pinch

once again, in slow motion.

Yes, it's a clinical pinch to the ribs.

-That looks like it hurt.

-Absolutely.

So, let's see what's coming up in these Georgian Games.

4pm, we have the greased-goose grabbing final.

And at 5pm, live and exclusive, we have women fighting for money.

And what about the football, John?

-No, football's rubbish.

-Well, I like it.

It's a fad, Steve, it's a fad.

I'm sure long after people have gone off football,

they'll still be into pinching matches and greased-goose grabbing.

Back to the studio.

That's right, Georgians used to enjoy watching people

trying to grab a dead, greased goose.

The winner was the one who pulled its head off. Eugh!

And if you think that's shocking,

then you obviously haven't heard about our Georgian army.

Hello, sergeant, I'm your new recruit.

Come to serve your country, have you? That's very noble of you, sir.

Have you signed your army contract, sir?

Certainly have, there it is.

Right, you horrible little man,

why aren't you in uniform? You're a disgrace to the army.

Here, put this jacket on.

-It's not very camouflaged, is it?

-Of course it isn't.

We want your mates to be able to see you easily

and not shoot you when you're on a smoky battlefield.

Won't the enemy be able to easily see me on the battlefield?

Of course they will,

they'll be standing 50 yards away in a straight line shooting at you.

That's how Georgian armies fight.

Left-right, left-right...

Get your knees up, you horrible little man.

The army thrives on discipline.

You'll be practising drill three hours a day, every day,

and you will like it.

Recruit...halt!

HE PANTS

You hungry, son?

-Good, it's time for your rations.

-Oh, good.

Eugh, it's covered in maggots.

Oh, you'll get used to that. I call that extra-meat rations.

That's good old, honest Georgian army food, that is.

Right, time for rifle practice.

I will now present you with your weapon. It's called a Brown Bess.

-Lovely, isn't she?

-Cool, may I?

Yeah, just hold it up to your shoulder and pull the trigger.

Sorry about that, you're left handed, aren't you?

You can only fire the Brown Bess with your right hand,

otherwise the flash goes off in your face.

I don't want to be in the army anymore.

Oh, it's too late for that, son.

You're mine for the next ten years.

Now, on the double, quick-march.

Left-right, left-right...

Oh, forgotten his rations.

That's more for me. Oh, look, there's a beetle there.

Mmm, I like the crunchy shell. Oh, that's lovely that.

Ancient Egyptian Queen Cleopatra

went to a lot of trouble to look her best.

Here's how she did it.

Hi, girls, ever look in the mirror and see this...

when you were hoping to see this?

Yeah, me too. That's why I follow...

And now you can too. Just listen and learn.

If you want your skin to be nice and smooth like mine,

why not bathe in asses' milk?

Eugh! How long has that been there? It really stinks.

Enhance those eyes by painting them with black lead.

Hang on, isn't this like really poisonous?

What are you trying to do to me?

Looking better already? You bet I am.

And this eye make-up repels flies.

Well, I'm not surprised, it is poisonous.

Bring a dash of colour to your cheeks

with this red ochre made from clay.

Clay? What, like they make pots out of?

Actually, that does kind of work. Amazing, isn't it?

And now for the final touch.

That beauty accessory that no female Pharaoh is complete without -

a beard.

It's not funny, it just tickles.

It's all true. 100% accu-rat.

Pharaohs were supposed to be men,

so Cleopatra had to wear a false beard

whenever she did a sacred task,

like pray for the sun to come up every morning.

Personally, I like girls with a bit of facial hair.

But then, I would, wouldn't I? I am a rat.

The answer is...all three were used in medicines

by ancient Eqyptian doctors.

Oh, it's really sore.

Try not to touch it, the doctor will be round soon.

Good. What are the doctors like round here?

Yeah, they're very professional and...

OK, for some reason we don't understand,

they all seem to be from different historical periods

and their methods are quite frankly...mad.

Good morning, Mrs Carter, I'm Dr Jenkins.

You're in luck, he's one of our modern doctors.

Oh, thank goodness.

-So what seems to be the...?

-So sorry I'm late.

My name's Dr Isis and I'm from ancient Egypt.

-I'll take it from here.

-Of course.

No, don't go. You know what they're like.

He'll do a load of weird stuff to her and she'll probably

end up dying or something.

Nonsense, I've had all the latest ancient Egyptian medical training.

Now, that is a nasty gash above the right eye.

I'd be tempted to rub some honey into that.

-See?

-Honey is actually a rather good antiseptic.

Ideal for treating a wound such as that.

Oh, well, what about the pain?

Well, I've got some dried leaves from a myrtle bush here in my bag.

I'd probably feed the patient a few of those.

He wants her to eat leaves?

Yes, but myrtle leaves are very rich in salicylic acid.

It's a basic form of things like aspirin,

So ideal for treating mild pain.

Actually, I feel quite sick now.

I've got just the thing for that. A lovely bit of limestone. Mmm.

He wants her to eat a rock.

Yes, limestone is calcium carbonate.

Powdered up, it's the same as we use to treat stomach complaints today.

I'd say that Dr Isis actually has some very good treatments.

What?

Looks like there could be a little infection there, what do you think?

Yes, that could lead to blindness.

Which I would treat by mashing up a pig's eye

with a little bit of honey and a little bit of red powder

and then pouring the mixture into the patient's ear.

Yeah, he's mad. Get him.

No! How dare you, I'm not mad.

Aaaagh, mummy!

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.