Episode 9 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

I've got something amazing to show you.

Ta-da!

It's a ba-na-na.

No-one had ever seen a ba-na-na in Britain before Stuart times

and that's not the only thing that was new.

Oh, lovely!

I really fancy a cuppa.

Oh, me too!

A nice cuppa hot water.

Nothing like a steaming pot of hot water in the afternoon.

Um, I was, er...

-Yes?

-I was wondering,

would anyone like some dead leaves in their hot water?

What?!

Dead leaves in water?!

Like a puddle in autumn?!

They're very special leaves,

all the way from China.

Whoopee-doo(!) So these leaves have been in a sack for months

while they've gone halfway round the world in a boat.

Manky, musty old leaves and you want to put them in our hot water?!

They make the hot water taste much nicer.

Please, try some.

Really, Charles.

Honestly, this is the most ludicrous thing I've ever...

Mmm! Ooh, that is nice!

See? You see?

They really do make the hot water taste better!

Oh, I've never heard such nonsense!

-Mmm! Oh, no - that IS nice!

-What do you call this drink?

Ah! Well, it's called...

tea.

-Tea?

-Tea.

-Tea.

-Tea.

-Tea!

-His Majesty King Charles is very fond of it, apparently.

Well, you can see why - it's delicious.

You know what we should do?

We should take these leaves of yours,

put them in a small paper envelope,

attach a piece of string to it and call it...

a tea bag!

-John, is everything all right?

-Not really, no.

-I do apologise.

-Do help yourself to cake.

Yes, let's distract ourselves with cake.

Obviously, no-one invented tea bags until much, much later,

but there really was no tea in Britain until 1656.

So, before then,

it must have been known as Briain.

Do you get it, eh?

No tea in Britain - Briain.

Briain! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Suit yourself.

So, the Stuarts thought drinking tea was a bit strange,

but that doing these things was perfectly normal.

Am I going to have to wait much longer?

I'm really sorry about this. We're just very short-staffed today

and I'm waiting for the replacement doctor to come in from...

Oh, dear. The Stuart era.

Burn the sole of an old shoe and then give it to the patient

and encourage him to inhale the smoke.

It is the perfect Stuart cure for swallowing a snake.

There we are. Now run along.

How may I be of service?

This lady's hurt her arm due to a fall.

It just so happens that I have in my possession,

a Stuart cure of note for just such an affliction.

Now, I think a little blood-letting

using a horse leech should do the trick.

Ow! You're making it worse!

Look - it's bleeding!

Fear thee not. We shall stop the flow of blood

using this here feather quill.

You mean put the feather onto the wound?

Don't be ridiculous, young woman! It is perfectly clear

that I shall use the quill to write Veronica on her left thumb.

That should stem the flow of blood.

I feel faint.

I need some water.

-Ugh! What was that?

-Ah! Accidentally swallowed a horse leech?

Well, swallow this elixir.

It will remedy the affliction in a moment.

-SHE CHOKES

-What is it?!

Vinegar mixed with fleas.

I'm going to be sick.

Nurse, open the window...

He's talking sense at last!

..while I spread some birdseed around the patient's feet.

Birdseed?

It is the catch-all Stuart cure to treat any truly troublesome ailment.

We just need some pigeons

to peck at the patient's feet.

We used the same treatment for Prince Henry.

And did Prince Henry get better?

No, he died. Still, second time lucky, eh?

Let's get those pigeons in here.

Come on, encourage them.

Coo! Coo!

They'll be here soon.

Welcome back to HHTV Sport,

bringing you exclusive live sporting events from the past.

Today, a big fight special.

In Viking times, quarrels between families - known as feuds -

could get very violent and go on for years.

For more details, let's go over to our commentators field-side.

And you join us here on day 523 of this nail-biting Viking family feud.

Let's look back at how it all started.

-You stupid moose-face.

-What?

That's how it started. Erik Olafson called Magnus Bloodaxe

a stupid moose-face.

And here we are a year and a half later.

Let's see...57 dead.

Both sides sticking to the Viking family feud rules.

That's right, John. Rule one -

there are no rules.

Oh, it looks like it's all happening.

The Olafsons have set fire to a... a Bloodaxe's home.

It looks like Uncle Ragnar's place.

I think Ragnar's still inside there.

That's nasty.

Yeah, absolutely.

And the Bloodaxes are warming up a substitute.

It's a berserker, Steve! A berserker!

Now, berserkers are very, very special Viking warriors.

Steve, can you tell us about the special movements we're seeing?

Thanks, John, yeah.

He's building himself up into what's known as a berserker battle frenzy,

where he'll become like a wolf or a bear.

I'd say he was doing the wolf.

I'd say it was the bear.

Wooooooo!

Definitely a wolf.

With that howling and frothing at the mouth,

-he'll be preparing himself to go really wild in the fight.

-He's off!

That's a good start.

That's extraordinary!

Looks like...a local lord has stepped in

and, after more than a year of fighting, has ended the feud.

Interesting. The local lord is trying to work out

which family has suffered the most.

Working out how much the other family have to pay,

so the feud can end and both families walk away with equal honour.

The blood money's changing hands and it's all over, Steve.

-It's over.

-It's over.

It's a great shame - the young berserker winding himself up

for nothing at all. There'll be no more killing here today.

-Woooo!

-Spoke too soon, Steve! Leg it!

AAAAARGH!

Yes, we Vikings love to fight.

Dying in battle was an honour

because it meant you get to go to Valhalla,

Viking heaven.

And if you were a chief, you got a really savage send-off too.

Check it out!

You join us on this, the saddest of days.

Our great leader, Ragnar The Brave, is dead

and it's time for his traditional Viking funeral.

As he's laid to rest on his longboat,

he will be sorely missed by his two sons,

Olaf The Fierce...

Grrrarrr! I'm the new leader now!

..and Sigurd The Bitter.

I wanted to be the new leader, but it's fine. It's fine! It's fine.

Now everything that Ragnar needs for his journey into the afterlife

is thrown into the longboat -

his mighty axe, his steely sword,

his trusty shield, plenty of food...

Walrus pie.

..and his favourite slave girl.

I was the chief's favourite slave girl? I was his favourite?

Well, this is quite an honour.

And now the longboat will be set on fire...

Oh, great(!) I knew there'd be a catch.

And the ceremony would not be complete

without a moving Viking poem.

Ragnar The Brave has lost his head

We Vikings aren't sad

We party instead!

AAAARRRRGH!

And so the solemn Viking funeral ends in the traditional Viking way.

Right, who wants a fight?

It's what Ragnar would have wanted!

-RAAAARRRR!

-AAAARRRRGH!

-RAAAARRR!

Such moving scenes.

Quite brings a tear to the eye.

I LOVE A GOOD FUNERAL!

Hello, people of Britain.

I'm here to tell you how to stay nice and safe during an air raid,

with the new Anderson bomb shelter.

It comes with easy-to-follow assembly instructions.

Simply dig a hole in your garden

and with the magic of wood, corrugated iron

and a bit of elbow grease...

Hey, presto! One Anderson bomb-raid shelter.

There's plenty of room for everyone.

-Budge up!

-Give over!

You could be in here for up to six hours during a bombing raid,

so remember to bring a good book.

War And Peace - good choice.

Oh, would you stop...?

The Anderson bomb shelter comes with its own en-suite toilet.

Oh, yuck! Where's my gas mask? Ugh!

It could save your life, so don't delay!

Build your Anderson bomb shelter today!

And introducing the new Morrison shelter.

If you've not got a garden, then this little beauty could be for you.

It makes a lovely addition to any London home.

You can even play table tennis on it.

My point, I think.

Be safe from those bombs with the new Morrison shelter.

BOOM! Oh, dear! Budge up!

Room for a small one?

Come along.

Every home needed its own air-raid shelter during the Blitz,

but German bombs weren't the only thing that made life dangerous.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

Well, they had slits up the side.

What's the point in...? Your legs'll get cold.

Yes, er, next, please.

And you are?

A businessman from London during the Blitz.

Oh, no. A cockney. Here we go again.

Let me guess - killed by a bomb, was it, gov?

No, it's a bit more embarrassing than that.

Oh! Goody gumdrops! Do go on.

One night I was on the train home from work during the blackout.

MIMICS COCKNEY ACCENT: The blackout?

To stop the German bombers from finding London,

every night they'd have a blackout - no lights allowed.

Oh, blackout! Oh, I see!

Or rather, I don't! Ha-ha-ha!

Keep up, guys. Keep up. Do go on.

So there I was on me train home and suddenly the train came to a halt

and I thought, "This is my station."

So I'm tootling off the train

and suddenly, "Whoa!"

Splat!

Fell 30 feet to my death.

Very good, but...

Turns out the train was just waiting on a railway bridge.

HE LAUGHS

You thought it was the platform and you...

Ha-ha-ha-ha! That is priceless!

You had a one-way ticket -

straight down! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha! Good! I like it, I like...

Yes, I agree.

Oh, shut up, Louis!

Ooh! Who would have thought that?

Well done! You've got two yeses. You're into the afterlife.

Oh, thank you kindly.

-Enjoy the trip!

-Oh, cheers, yeah.

I was referring to the trip...

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Whoo-whoo!

THEY LAUGH Enjoy! I liked him.

Good smile. Kids'll love him.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

It's...

true!

It was so dangerous in the cities

that lots of schoolchildren had to be sent somewhere safer.

'He had been evacuated from the city to a foster home in the country.'

This is your new home now, Charlie,

until the Germans stop bombing London.

Don't worry - you'll be safe here.

Can I go play, Mrs Jones?

Of course, Charlie.

Mind you don't come to any harm.

'But here, he was to face

'something even more terrifying than German bombs.

'It was like nothing he'd ever seen before in the city.'

MOO!

AAARRRGH!

MOO!

Aaargh! It had horns!

To butt with!

It made a terrifying noise!

-Moo!

->

Argh!

It had six eyes.

And a tail on which hangs a brush!

Don't be silly, Charlie.

It's just a cow.

Aaargh!

'Everything was new. Everything was scary.'

-Baa!

->

AAAAARRRRGH!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!

AARGH!

There's nothing to be scared of, Charlie. They're just farm animals.

Why don't you have a relaxing bath?

A bath?! Are you trying to drown me?!

Aaaarrrgh!

'Just when you thought it was safer in the country.'

It is.

It's true - some children from the city had never seen animals before

and they weren't used to regular baths either.

When one pair of evacuees saw a bath,

they really thought they were going to be drowned.

Me, I always have a regular bath.

One every other year.

We didn't write things down in Incan Peru.

Messages were sent around the empire using a relay team of runners

called the Chasquis.

It was a real test of fitness and memory.

You asked for me, Chief.

-Are you from the Chasquis Messenger Services?

-Yes, Chief.

I want you to relay the following message to the High Chief at Nazca,

50 miles to the west.

Yes, Chief. What's the message?

Message is...

Invaders are nearing the coast.

Defences must be reinforced.

Send 50 men with spears under cover of night

and please hurry.

Now, go.

-HE PANTS

-Chasquis Messenger Service.

Message is...

Invaders are nearing the coast.

The fences must be reinforced.

Send 50 spears under cover of night. Please hurry.

Sweet.

-HE PANTS

-Invaders are hearing the most.

Um, the fence is dusty.

Feel the force.

Send 50 spears under the cover of rice.

Please hurry.

HE PANTS The invaders are hearing the ghost.

This fence is rusty.

Peel the horse.

Send 50 spears

under cover of rice...

and peas.

What news?

The invaders in earrings are ghosts.

The fence was rusted by a peeing horse.

Send Britney Spears covered in pea and rice curry.

Well, you heard the man.

Thankfully, the Chasquis messengers didn't just rely on their memories.

They also used an elaborate system of knotted string,

which was so complicated,

the Incas had to spend an entire year at school

just learning to tie knots!

Huh! And you thought double maths was bad!

No wonder some of their stories sound a bit mixed up.

Hello and welcome to the News At When.

When - the 1000s,

and in South America, the Incas have emerged

and set about building their very own empire.

They have an incredible story of how it all happened.

Some of it is true, a lot of it probably isn't,

but here, anyway, is Bob Hale with the Incan report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam. Well, the year is 1070 or thereabouts.

That, there, is Peru

and the Incan people are just about to magically appear from a cave.

It sounds weird. You don't have to believe it.

The important thing is, the Incans believed it.

One generation told it to the next, who told it to the next...

Just like I'm telling it to you, but without the rather fetching tie.

First out of the cave, we have this chap - Manco -

followed by his brothers, sisters and the rest of the Incan people.

Manco appoints himself leader and to ensure he stays that way,

promptly kills all his brothers.

Better safe than sorry!

Then he marries his sister - yuck!

They have some children - yuck! They settle in a place called Cuzco.

Yuck for the people who lived there because the Incans kicked them out.

See ya! So Manco becomes the first lord of Cuzco.

The Incans have a place to call home and that is the end of that.

But not for long!

When mighty Manco pops his socks,

there's an argument about which son will replace him,

but Mrs Manco sorts it out.

She wants it to be her favourite son, Sinchi,

so she dresses him up in this pure gold tunic -

one that's almost as fetching as my tie -

and pretends he is the sun god,

a plan, which - quite unbelievably - works!

Since no-one will argue with the sun god,

Sinchi becomes the second lord of Cuzco!

But not for long! After inventing the official royal haircut...

Yes, I'm serious.

..Sinchi is replaced by Lord Lloque,

who's so ugly, his own wife can't bear to look at him.

He looks like a plate of mince. Unlucky, Lloque.

Then comes this big bully - Mayta - and I mean he's big!

By the age of one, he was the size of an eight-year-old child.

Just imagine the nappies! Eugh!

Then comes his son, Capac, known as the unforgettable prince,

who is promptly forgotten about.

We know nothing about him except he was followed by his son, Roca...

HE SINGS A ROCK RIFF

..who was then followed by his son, Yahua,

who was then murdered by his son, Viracocha.

Not satisfied by being lord of Cuzco,

he insists on being called God.

Big-headed much?!

If you thought that was arrogant, you should see what he gets up to!

He starts taking over all the neighbouring lands

and pretty soon bullying becomes the family business.

Along comes his son, Pachacutec

and his grandson, Tupac

who take over enough land to create the one and only...

# Da da-da da-da-da-da! #

..Incan Empire!

And that is the end of that!

Or so we thought!

in 1493, Huayna becomes the Incan Emperor

and while he's off conquering Ecuador, up there,

trouble turns up back down in Cuzco,

trouble that looks like this.

Aliens!

No, not really. It's germs!

A plague from Bolivia, down there, sweeps up,

killing thousands of Incans.

What does Huayna do? Rushes home, catches the plague and dies.

What an idiot! While the Incans are busy dying,

even more trouble turns up! Aliens!

No, not really. It's the Spanish Conquistadors

who want the Incan gold and what do they bring with them?

Aliens! No, just even more germs - diseases from Europe this time,

smallpox, in fact.

Should have been called bigpox because they killed so many Incans.

After going from one tiny cave to an entire empire,

the Incans were wiped out by a combination of

Spanish greediness, Incan weediness, wheezes, sneezes and diseases

and not by knobbly kneeses, short-term leases,

ceaseless sea breezes, winter freezes, the Japaneses

or this fine selection of Greek cheeses,

including this feta to which I am allergic.

-HE CHOKES

-Oh, no - I'm fine.

Oh, no - I'm not!

So, that's your homework -

learn 100 English words.

Do we have to, miss?

Yes, you do! The English run all the schools in Wales,

so which language do we speak?

-ALL:

-English, miss.

-And what happens if I hear you speaking Welsh?

We have to wear the Welsh Not, miss.

That's right.

You have to put on the Welsh Not

like Jenkins, here.

Jenkins, you used a Welsh word, didn't you?

-Yes, miss.

-Which word did you say?

Miss! I know - it was Cymru.

You said it! You said a Welsh word! You have to put the Welsh Not on.

GIRL GIGGLES What are you sniggering at, girl?

Sorry, miss. I just can't believe he said Cymru.

Oh, dear.

What are we going to do now?

Wear the Welsh Not, miss?

Correct, and we all know what happens to the last person

to be wearing the Welsh Not at the end of the school day, don't we?

-Yes, miss.

-They get...

a beating!

-Miss?

-Yes.

-What does Cymru mean?

THEY GASP

It's Welsh for Wales, but the bell's about to go,

so bend over for your beating.

Yes, miss.

Ah, somebody's been speaking Welsh, have they?

Yes, headmaster.

Some people never learn.

The silly clot asked me what Cymru means!

THEY GASP

BELL RINGS

Let this be a lesson to you.

THWACK! Ow! Thank you, sir.

THWACK! Ow! Sorry, sir.

Schools were made free in 1891.

Until then, it cost a penny a day

and not all parents thought it was value for money.

Good day.

MUSIC: EastEnders Theme Tune

Mother, Father. You wanted to see me?

Ah, here she is -

our beloved 16th daughter.

-What's your name again?

-Chastity.

Chastity! I told you!

Right, Chastity, we'd like to talk to you on your school attendance.

-Yes?

-It seems you've been going.

Every day.

After everything we've done for you,

could you not at least have bunked off school once?

Costs us a penny every day, five days a week, 40 weeks a year!

Have you any idea how much that is?

5 times 40...

200 pence.

-I learned maths at school.

-It's a waste of time.

You should be down that factory bringing some money in!

If you're so good at maths, you tell me what you get

when you divide a loaf of bread between 18 people?

Nothing!

It's an 18th, actually.

Oh, Father. Where did we go wrong?

I thought you'd be pleased. Look at my school report.

I'm doing really well.

Aren't you going to read it?

-We can't read!

-Well, I can.

I learned how to at school and it says I'm top of the class.

You should be top of a chimney with a brush in your hand!

That's what I was doing at your age. It didn't do me any h...

HE COUGHS AND CHOKES

Or you should be down at the ribbon factory like me.

But I like school.

What's to like about school, eh? What do you like?

Is it the learning or the ruthless beating?

Cos if it is the beatings you like, darling, your dad'll beat you.

I certainly will and I won't charge you a penny a day for it either.

But they don't beat me. I'm a good pupil.

The teacher says, if I pass my exams, I could become a teacher.

What do you want to be a teacher for, eh?

You want to beat up innocent kids all day, earning £60 a year?

Hang on.

That's more than I earn in a decade!

Oh, Chastity, darling.

We're so proud of you, darling.

-She's my favourite, I always said.

-I know.

So when do you start?

That's right -

in Victorian times, you could become a teacher aged just 14.

How silly was that?

I mean, what classes could a teenage boy teach?

Double spot-picking

followed by how to sleep in late and wear your jeans too low?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hi, I'm a lonesome cowboy.

HE BREAKS WIND

And that's why!

When I go out driving cattle,

there's three things I always take with me -

my six gun,

my hat

and the must-have cowboy accessory -

the mew multi-purpose bandana.

Yes, the new multi-purpose bandana is...

a dust mask when you're driving cattle,

sun protection for the back of the neck,

an oven glove when you're holding a hot pot of beans.

It's also useful when you've eaten the beans.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Poo-ee!

And that's not all!

New multi-purpose bandana also...

makes a handy tourniquet if you get bitten by a rattlesnake,

or a great sling if you break a limb.

It even doubles up as earmuffs in cold weather.

And that's not all!

New multi-purpose bandana is also...

a useful mask if you want to steal something.

Good day to you, sir. Now hand over all your bandanas.

New multi-purpose bandana. Available now in general stores.

Warning - trying to steal a bandana can result in a nasty headache!

CLANG! I told you so!

The answer is...

they are all genuine cowboy towns!

Who'd have thought it?

Actually, that's a real cowboy town name, too.

Who'd Have Thought It - Alabama.

Howdy.

You know what you need to be a genuine cowboy?

Cows.

You ain't herding cattle, you ain't no cowboy.

HE PLAYS HARMONICA

# Well, I'm a real-life cowboy

# Just a quiet, humble fella

# That's what we're like Apart from Mike

# Yeah, I'm more of a yeller

# Sing songs to pass the evenings

# And because it soothes the herd So they won't stampede

# Unless Mike sings lead

# And shouts every single word... #

-Mike!

-Sorry!

# ..Cos we're cowboys

# Real-life cowboys

# Not like the ones you've seen on your TV

# We've never held up banks at all

-# We're poorly paid

-And kind of small

# You still want to be a cowboy Stick with me

# On your horse for 18 hours

# Saddle sores a curse

-# Then feed your horse

-And yourself of course

-# Those beans just make it worse! #

-HE BREAKS WIND

-# Then you're back driving cattle

-That's what being a cowboy means

# Moving those beasts from west to east

-HE BREAKS WIND

-# Sorry, it's the beans!

# Cos we're cowboys

# Real-life cowboys

# Not like the ones you've seen in the movies

# We're not big hunks like that John Wayne

# Cos our horses would complain

# If you still want to be a cowboy

# Join us, please.

# You should be aware we have some customs that are strange

# Like saying howdy and not hello when you're out here on the range

# Never touch a cowboy's hat

# Never ride his horse

# So what if I took your old mare?

-# Well, I'd shoot you, of course!

-Fair enough!

# Cowboys

# Real-life cowboys

# Not like the ones you see on silver screens

# We don't go out starting fights

# Cos unions fought for our rights

# Now Mike will do a solo thanks to beans... #

HE BREAKS WIND TUNEFULLY

How was that?

It stunk!

# ..And now, my friends I fear that the end is drawing near

# Cos we only ruled the range for 20 years. #

ALL: Yee-haw!

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth... #

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

Then play Horrible Histories' Terrible Treasures.

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

# ..a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #