Episode 8 Horrible Histories


Episode 8

Historical sketch show. A Georgian peasant gets a posh makeover, Crimewatch BC tries to solve Julius Caesar's murder, and prepare to be confused by the Egyptian Hieroglyphics song.


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Transcript


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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

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# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians Woeful Wars, ferocious Fights

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# Dingy castles, daring knights Horrors that defy description

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# Cut-throat Celts Awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crime Punishment from ancient times

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# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, reigning sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories We do that

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# And your host a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

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Viking warriors, tomorrow, as the sun rises, we set sail for England!

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ALL: Yes!

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We must be bold, we must be terrifying!

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We have our axes.

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We have our daggers.

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We have our swords, but now we have a new weapon at our disposal.

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-Make-up.

-What!

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Do this, my brothers...

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and you shall strike fear into our enemies' hearts.

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ALL: YES!

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Let's go and kill some monks.

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Olaf, good work, you look truly bloodcurdling,

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Sven, my old friend, excellent, you will chill the enemy to their bones.

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Bjorn, that's what I call really scary.

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Eric...

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It's the nose, isn't it? A bit much?

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No, it's, really terrifying.

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Let's get us some monasteries!

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It's true though, those rough, tough Viking warriors liked to wear

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eye make-up, neatly trim their beards and have

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a good wash every Saturday night.

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When they invaded Britain, they loved to pick on

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easy targets, like poor, defenceless monks.

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Do you know, Vikings were basically just great big girls, yeah?

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But don't tell them I said that!

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Whoa! Stop! Whoa, what's going on?

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We were minding our own business, they came out the blue with axes.

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ALL TALK AT ONCE

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Da, da, da, da, da! One at a time please! You, is what he said true?

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I asked you to stop for a second while we sort this out, please.

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I was just... He...

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Thank you, now what are you doing here? This is Lindisfarne,

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we're a monastery, we're peaceful people.

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Well, I hadn't

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really thought about it before. Why did we sail here from Scandinavia?

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Maybe it's because there's not enough food,

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there's a shortage of herring where we're from.

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We needed more land, my dad's left all of his land

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-to my older brother, which isn't fair.

-But it is a bit crowded.

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Well, we do need more space to live.

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Plus we've got a new Viking king now,

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and he's such a bully. As are our wives.

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It seems to me like you don't know why you're here,

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why don't you just go home and we'll say no more about it.

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No, I've just remembered what it is, it's because killing is really fun

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and taking stuff from monks is very easy.

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-That's it.

-Yeah, yeah, it was, it's mainly that, that was it.

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Right, well...

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as long as we're clear on that...

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carry on.

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You're watching HH TV Sports bringing you exclusive live

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sporting events from the past.

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Today, it's football, but not as you know it.

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Time to go over live to the 1500s to join our commentator, pit side.

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Hello and welcome to Tudor England,

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where the big sport of the common man is an early form of football.

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I'm here with Alan, captain of the Roxbridge Village team,

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who's here to tell me a little bit more about the sport.

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Alan, I understand it's a very important match here today?

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Yes, Gary, the whole village has turned out.

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Great to see so much support for the team.

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Support? No, everyone plays for the team, the whole village is playing,

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it's our village versus the neighbouring village.

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I see, and what's the score?

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Oh, it's still 0-0, but we did come close to a goal.

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-Really, how close exactly?

-About two and a half miles.

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Two and a half miles?

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We play between two villages and the winning team

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gets the ball to the opposing village.

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I don't... Argh! And...and this is your ball?

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-Yeah, it's made of pig's bladder.

-It looks like a pig...

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Argh! Now... I... That... Wait... That, that... That is inexcusable.

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-Where is the referee?

-There's no referee, there's no rules.

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Oh, that does explain the black eye,

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the broken finger and what appears to be a bitten ear.

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Yeah, well, it's just a gentle game today, Gary.

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Last game, I dislocated my arm and broke my jaw.

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Would it be possible to have a word with the captain of the opposition?

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-Go ahead.

-Thank you. So, how's the game going from your point of view?

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Hi, Gary. Yeah, pretty good.

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I think it'll be a long one... Could go on for hours.

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-Some of the lads will end up flat on their backs.

-Exhausted?

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No, dead. It's how brutal the game can be. Want to be on our side?

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I'll certainly give it a go.

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Um... Oh! Oh!

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Yep, still got it, back to the studio.

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Henry VIII needed lots of young fit men for the English army.

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So many people were getting injured playing Tudor football, in 1540

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Henry made it illegal.

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There really were some unusual laws in Tudor times.

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-Give me your purse.

-Oh!

-Give me your purse!

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-Take it, take it!

-Lovely, hold on, hold on. Right...

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There's your change and I'll just write you a receipt.

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-Excuse me?

-I only wanted 11p, so I gave you the rest

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and I'll write you a little piece of paper.

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That just saves any confusion, should it come to court.

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Um, I'm still a little confused.

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Well, you see, if you steal 11 pence or less they

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chuck you in prison, but if you steal

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12 pence or more then they sentence you to death.

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-Oh, I see!

-So I'll just write you this receipt.

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Not going to sign it, for obvious reasons.

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OK, there you go, have a nice day.

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That's the most pleasant mugging

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-I've ever had.

-Oh, well, we take pride in our work.

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In fact, here's a penny for your trouble.

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Oh, well, thank you very much, that's very kind of you.

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This makes 12 pence, if I'm caught...

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It looks like somebody's for the chop.

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Oh, no, this is a tip.

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-Oh, ho, it's a tip, is it?

-Yes.

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-Oh, that's right...so you weren't mugging her?

-No, I was.

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I'm going to chop your head off.

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Oh, have mercy Sir.

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Us ancient Egyptians used a clever writing system called hieroglyphics,

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but it was not an easy system to learn, check this out.

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# Settle down class Now you've passed

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# Your grade one pyramid selling

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# Yeah, the time has come for me to drum

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# Some facts into you about spelling

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# Oh, it seems to me your ABC

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# Skills are less than terrific

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# So buck up, boys As we master the joys

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# Of the lovely hieroglyphic, woo!

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# Everyone needs their ABC

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# It's as simple as vulture, foot, basket

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# You know how to sing doh, ray, me

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# Easy to spell It's hand, eye, thingy, owl

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# ABC, vulture, foot, basket

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# Doh, ray me

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# Hand, eye, thingy, owl

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# You'll pass with ease and find it's a breeze

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# The rules are scientific

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# Don't have to be smart all you do is start

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# With simple phonetic glyphics

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# Next you get to learn as a set more things called logographic

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# Finally, third, the form of a word determinatives

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Horrific!

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# Everyone needs their flamingo, house, sun

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# It's simple, but sun can mean duck, everyone

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# You all know how to write your name

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Except for me, Tutan Nephertiti Khamun!

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-# Flamingo, house, sun

-Means duck to some

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-# Tutan Nephertiti Khamun

-Let's just leave that one

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# If you find it hard Don't be afraid

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# To go and ask your mummy for aid

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# Now, it's time for a spelling bee

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# That's not how you spell bee see me!

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Foot, reed, reed... Easy!

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# Cat, pig, dog, rat, duck, frog Make your spelling magnific

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# You can go up and down, left and right and around

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# The punctuation in hieroglyphic

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# A B C D E F G

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# Just 700 characters or so

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# Now that's done, let's have fun

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# With numbers, here we go

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# Everyone needs their 123

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# It's as simple as eye, eye, eye, eye

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# You can all count to 99... # Easy to write it's hoop, hoop, hoop

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Hoop, hoop, hoop, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye.

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-# 123

-Eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye

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-# 99

-Hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop,

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Hoop, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye... Basket?

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The answer is B, they cut off and counted the right hands.

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One of the worst battles in the Second World War was the

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one the Russians and the Germans had over the city of Stalingrad, here.

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It lasted for seven months and

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in the cruel Russian winter, the Germans soon ran out of supplies

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and had to improvise, in the most gruesome of ways.

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Oh, ha, ha.

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Greetings, Herr Soldier.

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Greetings, Herr Stodman. I'm here about a few supplies,

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some new boots, a jacket and some food.

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Excellent. Well, I shall take ze whole lot.

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No, zat is what I want from you.

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What?

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You are joking, right? We have been fighting

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here in Russia for six months now, we have run out of all our supplies.

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But I need new things, my boots,

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zey have so many holes in them, I don't feel like I'm wearing any.

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Well, you are not wearing any.

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Oh, well, zat would explain it.

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-Is there nothing that you can give me?

-Well, I think you're in luck.

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I got these boots in this morning, good quality too, they're Russian.

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-How do you know zey are Russian?

-Er....

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There was a Russian in them.

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-I cannot wear those!

-Of course you can, you just put

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them in ze oven for ten minutes and ze legs will pop right out.

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I'm not going to wear a dead man's boots.

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Is there nothing else you have, a jacket?

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I am so cold I have goose pimples on my goose pimples.

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Argh, I have just the thing.

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We managed to get this in from Berlin.

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-Oh, perfect.

-Ah...

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Oh, zat is better, oh... And it is not off a dead man, right?

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No, it is from a dead woman.

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Brrrrr! What about food, do you have any food?

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Ah, well,

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only tis rather suspiciously named meat paste, I got it in from Germany.

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-What's it like?

-Well, ze impression I got from Lieutenant Gotlieb was,

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it's not very good for you.

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-Who's Lieutenant Gotlieb?

-Er, zis fellow over here.

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Zat is exactly what Gotlieb did, except from both ends.

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All you have is inedible food, a dead man's boots, a dead woman's

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coat? Is there nothing you have that is any use to me?

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Well, as our 10,000th customer,

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you have just won, an all-expenses-paid fortnight

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on the beaches of Brazil.

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-Oh, really.

-No. Raus!

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Can I not work here with you?

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No, I'm afraid it is just me and Gotlieb.

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-Auf wiedersehen.

-Look at it.

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For the Germans, the Battle of Stalingrad was a tactical disaster.

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Mind you, some of the Russian tactics during World War Two

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didn't go that well either.

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The Second World War's Russian anti-tank device.

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The penniless Russians needed a cheap way to destroy the unbeatable

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German tanks, so they invented...

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Dog bombs.

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Yes, dogs were trained to run underneath tanks

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with bombs strapped to their backs.

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The Russians sent their brilliant

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new doggy weapon into battle but there was one small problem.

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The dogs had been trained to run under Russian tanks.

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Nyet! There, doggy, stay...sit.

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So they ran under the Russian tanks.

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Bad doggy.

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Oh, well, back to drawing board.

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Hi, I'm a shouty Georgian woman,

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and I'm here to tell you about the very latest

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in Georgian mobile communication technology, the fan.

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Each little gesture with the fan send out a totally different message,

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and it's so simple to use,

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and your parents won't have a clue what you're messaging.

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Send thousands of messages a day, and there's no bill to pay,

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everybody should have one.

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-Except you, because you're a bloke.

-Yeah, terribly sorry.

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It's also handy for wafting away foul smells, phewee.

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Yeah, terribly sorry.

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So don't delay, buy your Georgian fan today.

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'Warning, too much fan flattering

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can seriously damage a lady's wrist.'

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Ow.

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Are you quite well, daughter?

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Oh, most well, father.

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Good day, Mr Willis.

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Good day, Mr Andrews.

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Surprisingly warm weather for the time of year, Mr Willis.

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Er, indeed, Mr Andrews.

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Yes!

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Yes, this is my favourite composer.

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Whooo!

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It's the latest dance from London town, Mr Willis.

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I see, Mr Andrews.

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-Soon.

-Sorry?

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Spoon. I need a spoon.

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Strange boy.

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Sir, there is a most pressing question

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I would like to ask your daughter.

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HE CRIES

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Strange, strange boy.

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We Georgian ladies may have had some funny customs,

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but let me assure you, Georgian gentleman were just as silly.

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Hiya, fashion fans, and welcome to another Historical Fashion Fix.

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This week it's all about wigs, stockings and makeup,

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you've guessed it,

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this week we're going to be making over a Georgian man,

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-so let's meet him now. Hi, Daniel.

-Sorry?

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Let's see if we can't work some Fashion Fix magic,

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-and turn you into an authentic Georgian aristocrat.

-All right.

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Let's sort out that skin.

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-He's looking pretty pale.

-I haven't eaten in a week.

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But he could do with being a lot paler,

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so I've stuck some leeches on his arm.

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But he's still not pale enough for a Georgian aristocrat,

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so to make Daniel even whiter, you could use chalk dust,

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but I prefer to use highly toxic lead paint.

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Just add some lipstick and blusher, and let's see the difference.

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There, much more manly. Do you like it, Daniel?

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Course he does, he loves it.

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Now, let's do something about those awful clothes.

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Well, at least I can't look any more ridiculous.

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I stand corrected.

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Every bit the Georgian gent,

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and that padding really accentuates Daniel's lovely calves.

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What you doing?

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Just time for the finishing touches, the wig.

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The wig is held in place using powder made from flour, starch, nutmeg,

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and, of course, gold dust.

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There. Looking good, but there's one thing missing.

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No Georgian gent is complete without some lice in his wig.

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-How do you like your look, Daniel?

-I look like a poodle on a cushion.

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Some people just can't wear good clothes.

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You have given me nothing for this programme, absolutely nothing.

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That's it this week from Fashion Fix,

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join me next time, when I'll be teaching a stone age caveman

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that it's better to wear some clothes for once. See you.

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Posh Georgian men who dressed up like that were known as Macaronis.

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Not sure why,

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presumably because they looked better covered in cheese. Ha-ha-ha!

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Mind you, I think everything looks better covered in cheese.

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# They're funny cos they're true

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# Woo Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# Hope next time it's not you He-he. #

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Oh! Next!

0:18:520:18:54

And you are?

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Sir Arthur Aston, English army officer.

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Yeah, yeah, course you are, whatever. Come on, entertain me.

0:19:010:19:06

Well, I was showing off on my horse

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-for the benefit of some lovely young ladies.

-Hmm, and?

0:19:080:19:12

Well, I fell off the horse, I broke my leg,

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it turned septic, so I had to have it amputated.

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-And you bled to death?

-Oh, no, no, no, I was fine.

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-Oh, shame.

-You see, I was given this rather wonderful wooden leg,

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and I was able to return to the army,

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and soon I found myself in a battle, against Oliver Cromwell's army.

0:19:290:19:33

Oh, good. How did it go?

0:19:330:19:35

Not brilliantly, I was captured and, well, I was beaten to death.

0:19:350:19:40

With my own wooden leg.

0:19:400:19:43

HE LAUGHS

0:19:430:19:46

With your own wood...

0:19:480:19:49

Oh, that's hilarious!

0:19:490:19:53

I bet you were hopping mad!

0:19:530:19:55

Hopping!

0:19:550:19:56

You're very insensitive, you know that?

0:19:570:19:59

It's a yes from me, Arthur, you're through to the afterlife.

0:19:590:20:04

Oh, thank you, thank you.

0:20:040:20:06

Hop along now. Hop along!

0:20:060:20:10

Very insensitive.

0:20:100:20:11

Oh, dear. You know, I love my job sometimes, I do, I really do.

0:20:110:20:17

Next!

0:20:170:20:18

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

0:20:180:20:20

# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo! #

0:20:200:20:24

We Stuarts believed that after the Battle of Edgehill in 1642,

0:20:240:20:29

the ghosts of the soldiers who died

0:20:290:20:31

could be seen acting out the battle again and again.

0:20:310:20:34

Whoo, and here's another scary story.

0:20:340:20:38

Greetings, fright fans.

0:20:430:20:45

I am Vincenzo Laughoff, and this week's scary story

0:20:450:20:49

is a ghostly tale from Stuart times, The Terror Of Tedworth.

0:20:490:20:55

It was the year 1662.

0:20:570:21:00

A magistrate named John Mompesson

0:21:000:21:03

was visiting the town of Tedworth in Wiltshire,

0:21:030:21:05

where he was disturbed by a local busker repeatedly banging on a drum.

0:21:050:21:09

DRUM BANGS

0:21:090:21:13

Quiet, we're recording.

0:21:130:21:15

The magistrate checked the man's license to busk,

0:21:150:21:18

and, finding it to be a forgery, threw him in jail,

0:21:180:21:20

and confiscated his drum, a decision he would come to regret.

0:21:200:21:24

DRUM DONGS

0:21:240:21:26

Dong indeed. After the busker was freed from jail,

0:21:260:21:28

he simply disappeared,

0:21:280:21:31

and it soon became clear that he must have perished,

0:21:310:21:33

because his ghost started to haunt the mean magistrate.

0:21:330:21:37

GHOST WHOOS

0:21:370:21:38

Oh, no, it was much more than a mere "Whoo, whoo."

0:21:380:21:41

The spirit of the dead busker plagued the magistrate's house.

0:21:410:21:44

At first, his drum began to bang itself.

0:21:440:21:47

Then doors would open and shut on their own,

0:21:470:21:50

unseen creatures would gnaw at the walls.

0:21:500:21:54

Coins would turn black inside pockets,

0:21:540:21:57

and red, staring eyes would appear in the darkness.

0:21:570:22:00

Had the busker's soul come back from the dead

0:22:000:22:03

to wreak his revenge on the meddling magistrate?

0:22:030:22:06

Was his ghost destined to forever haunt the horror-filled house?

0:22:060:22:10

No, he was alive and well, and living in Gloucester.

0:22:100:22:14

What?

0:22:140:22:16

I thought he was dead!

0:22:160:22:19

Ah! You see, the drummer wasn't dead at all,

0:22:190:22:22

he was found in Gloucester,

0:22:220:22:24

where he was arrested for stealing a pig?

0:22:240:22:27

There was no ghost at all? What is this, Scooby-Doo?

0:22:270:22:31

You can't have a ghost story where there's no ghost, right?

0:22:310:22:35

All that stuff about a drum banging itself, was that just made up?

0:22:350:22:38

All this does, it just makes me look silly.

0:22:380:22:41

I didn't spend two weeks at drama school's summer camp

0:22:410:22:44

to end up doing this sort of rubbish.

0:22:440:22:46

Unbelievable.

0:22:460:22:47

One of our most famous Roman generals was called Julius Caesar,

0:22:540:22:58

he went all the way to the top, but what goes up, must come down.

0:22:580:23:03

Don't miss this week's News Of The Empire exclusive,

0:23:030:23:07

it's our Caesar special.

0:23:070:23:09

He defeated the Gauls in France, and invaded Britain.

0:23:090:23:12

I came, I saw, I conquered, I...

0:23:120:23:15

oh, oh, oh ..I caught a cold, the weather was terrible,

0:23:150:23:19

so I came home again. Atchoo!

0:23:190:23:21

Now, Rome's greatest general has gone from hero to zero,

0:23:210:23:26

yes, JC's reputation is in meltdown,

0:23:260:23:28

because he started going out with the Queen of Egypt.

0:23:280:23:31

Has Cleopatra really stolen his heart?

0:23:310:23:34

So what if she has? My wife won't mind.

0:23:340:23:37

We reveal the truth behind the rumours.

0:23:370:23:39

Has Cleo really had Caesar's baby?

0:23:390:23:42

Well, here's a clue, he's called Caesarean.

0:23:420:23:45

He has got my nose, I suppose.

0:23:450:23:47

BABY CRIES

0:23:470:23:49

-Oh, there, there, it's not that big.

-All right!

0:23:490:23:53

Plus, it's a fashion faux pas,

0:23:530:23:56

as Caesar is spotted wearing these red boots,

0:23:560:23:59

just like the last King of Rome.

0:23:590:24:01

We ask, is Caesar getting too big for his own boots?

0:24:010:24:05

I just like the colour. It doesn't mean to say I want to be King. What?

0:24:050:24:09

OK, so I have declared myself dictator for life, but...

0:24:090:24:12

And exclusive, the knives are out for Caesar.

0:24:120:24:15

In our assassination pull-out special,

0:24:150:24:17

we list the Senators plotting to stab him in the back.

0:24:170:24:21

-Wait a minute, who wants to kill me?

-Find out tomorrow.

0:24:210:24:24

No, no, no, seriously, who wants to kill me?

0:24:240:24:26

Only in this week's News Of The Empire, a cracking good read,

0:24:260:24:30

although it is all in Latin.

0:24:300:24:33

It's true, Caesar started wearing red leather boots,

0:24:330:24:36

just like the ancient Roman Kings,

0:24:360:24:38

and they were hated by the people of Rome.

0:24:380:24:41

The last one, Tarquinius Superbus, had been so evil,

0:24:410:24:45

they got rid of kings altogether.

0:24:450:24:48

Hey! Good name though, Superbus. Rattus Superbus.

0:24:480:24:53

I rather like that, suits me.

0:24:530:24:55

Anyway, Caesar really put his foot in it, and ended up, well,

0:24:550:24:59

getting assassinated.

0:24:590:25:01

Hello, and welcome to another Crimewatch BC.

0:25:050:25:09

Now, we start this week with a murder,

0:25:090:25:11

which took place right in the centre of ancient Rome.

0:25:110:25:15

The victim was this man, Julius Caesar, a soldier and politician,

0:25:150:25:19

who was recently made dictator of Rome for life.

0:25:190:25:22

It seems Mr Caesar may have known he was a possible target.

0:25:220:25:27

On the morning that my husband, Caesar was murdered,

0:25:270:25:30

I had warned him not to go to the Senate.

0:25:300:25:32

All the omens were bad, they were really bad.

0:25:320:25:36

Don't go, Caesar! I don't want you to go. A few weeks ago,

0:25:360:25:39

a bird flew into the Senate house with a laurel leaf in its beak.

0:25:390:25:43

-So what?

-Well, it's a warning.

0:25:430:25:46

What, a warning that it might poo on someone's head?

0:25:460:25:49

No, it's a warning that someone's going to get killed,

0:25:490:25:52

someone wearing a crown of laurel leaves on their head.

0:25:520:25:55

What? That is just superstitious nonsense.

0:25:550:25:58

I've got a feeling something really bad's going to happen.

0:25:580:26:01

Oh, yeah, maybe you're right,

0:26:010:26:04

maybe something really, really bad is going to happen, yes.

0:26:040:26:08

Oh, look, SMASH

0:26:080:26:09

it just did. Brilliant. See you later.

0:26:090:26:12

Caesar ignored the bad omens, and went to the Senate House anyway.

0:26:130:26:18

He was murdered there in broad daylight on the 15th of March.

0:26:180:26:22

-Take that, Caesar!

-Ow, that's me you're stabbing!

0:26:230:26:26

Well, I don't know, all I can see is togas!

0:26:260:26:28

-Ow, you did it again.

-Sorry!

0:26:280:26:31

I have with me in the studio, a man who saw the whole thing happen.

0:26:310:26:36

So, why do you think so many people stabbed Caesar?

0:26:360:26:40

I think the murderers thought it would be everyone's responsibility,

0:26:400:26:44

we'd all be in it together. Sorry, they'd all be in it together.

0:26:440:26:47

Any idea why THEY did it?

0:26:470:26:49

I'm told they thought Caesar had too much power and wanted to be a King,

0:26:490:26:53

so Caesar had to die!

0:26:530:26:55

Well, that's what some people thought, anyway.

0:26:550:26:58

Oh, must remember to do the washing up.

0:26:580:27:01

Also with me in the studio is the man leading the hunt

0:27:010:27:05

for Caesar's murderers, Senator Mark Antony.

0:27:050:27:08

Now, Senator, what do we know about the murderers?

0:27:080:27:11

Well, Kirsty, one thing we do know is their identities.

0:27:110:27:16

There's Casca and Cimber. Then there's the ringleaders,

0:27:160:27:19

Brutus and Cassius.

0:27:190:27:21

So, you know who did it, what next?

0:27:210:27:23

Well, we'd very much like to speak to them,

0:27:230:27:26

just a little chat to see if they can assist us in our enquiries.

0:27:260:27:30

-Really?

-No, we want to kill them and burn down their houses,

0:27:300:27:33

but I don't want to say that in public, just in case they run away.

0:27:330:27:37

See ya!

0:27:370:27:39

Me and my big mouth.

0:27:390:27:41

I should probably run after him.

0:27:410:27:43

Go.

0:27:430:27:44

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

0:27:490:27:52

Then play Horrible Histories terrible treasures.

0:27:520:27:55

Go to the CBBC website, and click on Horrible Histories.

0:27:550:27:59

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:590:28:02

Some Vikings attack a monastery but cannot remember why, a peasant gets a posh makeover on Georgian Fashion Fix, Crimewatch BC tries to solve the murder of Julius Caesar. And prepare to be confused by the Egyptian Hieroglyphics song.


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