Episode 7 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

In the Middle Ages,

you really didn't want to get into a fight with a knight - oh, no!

But if you refused to fight, things could still get quite messy.

Oh, I can't look!

FRENCH ACCENT: You, peasant, where is your master?

What?

Your master, the knight, where is he?

I'm up here.

Give me your land and your castle.

Oh, you want me to give you my land and my castle?

It's not going to happen.

Hand them over, or else.

Or else what?

What are you going to do to me up here?

I can do this...

Ahhh!

Oh! Oh, no, that is my peasant!

Maybe I cannot get to you but I can get to your property.

Owww!

Ah! Stop it!

How is he going to farm my crops when he only has one leg?

He won't be able to,

but you'll still have to pay for his upkeep.

I don't believe this!

-Now give me your land and your castle or they all get it.

-Yeah,

hand over your castle!

-Thank you.

-No problem.

-Never!

-Arm or leg?

Arm I suppose.

-So sorry about this.

-No, no, I...

Ow!

-Oh!

-Now will you give me your land and your castle?

-Absolutely not.

OK, same time tomorrow.

-What?

-If you don't hand them over I will come back.

Son, you are so stubborn.

I take after you, Papa!

By the way, give my love to Maman.

Of course. Au revoir.

Children, I tell you -

I don't know what to do with them.

HE PANTS

A fight like that really did take place in France in the 1100s

between a father and his son. Incredible!

But not as incredible as the story of Joan of Arc

who lead the French army against the English aged only 14. Yeah, 14!

Joan claimed she was told to do it by an angel.

Imagine that!

I'm imagining it, I'm imagining it...

I'm imagining it!

Joan of Arc?

What?

Are you Joan of Arc?

-Yeah.

-I am a vision of St Michael, I've been sent by God to find you.

Pull zee other one!

Seriously. You've been chosen to lead the French army

against the oppressive English invaders.

Nah, there must have been a mix up.

-Why would you say that?

-Well,

because A) I'm just an illiterate peasant,

C) I'm a girl

and A) I'm 14!

I mean, sweeping up and darning socks I can do,

but military leadership, not so much!

He definitely said, I wrote it on my hand and everything.

Are you sure it wasn't John of Arc, the bloke next door?

Did someone call?

John, have you been waiting on God to call on you

to lead France in a glorious victory against the English?

Yes, I have.

No, it definitely says Joan.

Right, um...

-Sorry, John, false alarm.

-OK.

I'm just next door if you need me.

-Stay cool.

-Sorry, mate.

So, um, what am I supposed to do?

Convene with God, predict the future,

lead the French army to victory and restore the King to his throne.

Beats sweeping up!

I bet, yeah.

OK.

Oh,

who will darn all the villagers' socks?

Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something.

Ow! This is definitely what God wants?

But, I mean, look...

OK, so John of Arc was just made up and silly, but Joan of Arc,

well, she was real

and went on to defeat the English at Orleans in 1429.

Sadly she was eventually captured by the English

who claimed she was a witch, yeah, and they burned her at the stake.

Well, what do you expect, this is HORRIBLE Histories.

APPLAUSE

Welcome to Ready Steady Feast.

Now, aye, aye me hearties and shiver me timbers,

please welcome aboard the infamous pirate, Captain Ned Low.

Arrr.

Arrrr, right back at you.

So, pirate Ned, what have you got for us? Salted meat? Sea biscuits?

No, no, no, no, no.

I only deal with the freshest ingredients.

I likes the meat to still be warm.

OK, well let's see what's in your pirate booty.

APPLAUSE

There we are, fresh out the bag.

Well, we don't normally allow helpers.

Helpers? They're not helpers, they're the ingredients.

AUDIENCE GASP

Stop your fidgeting, you scurvy knaves.

This one here's a Spanish prisoner. I'm going to cut out his heart.

Then I'm going to takes this Frenchman and burn 'im alive.

Finally, I'm going to cut the ears off this here swabby,

sprinkle them with a little bit of salt

and then makes him eat them.

I hope you're not vegetarian.

Oh...

Well, I thought you were going to eat them.

-I don't eats them.

-No.

Frankly I'm quite offended, what do you think I am.

I just does all that for the fun!

HE LAUGHS

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Grubs up!

Arrr!

You can see why no one wanted to be captured by us pirates.

So when we was at sea, we had to use some pretty clever tricks.

HE CHUCKLES

Hold fast, lads.

Looks like there's a lady on board!

-Hello, gorgeous!

-I saw her first.

BOTH: OH!

I'm going to put my patch over my good eye, like that.

That be horrible.

It's me, your captain!

So it is!

Shiver me timbers!

Captain, seriously, what is going on?

It's my brilliant new tactic for capturing rich merchant ships.

If they think we're all women,

they'll never guess we're actually pirates.

ALL: Arrrr!

We can sail nice and close to their ship, leap aboard,

slaughter the lot of them,

and steal all their treasure!

ALL: Arrrr!

Here be your disguises,

-Ooh, no, no.

-No...

-Right, what's the problem?

-Well,

-won't we look a bit...girly?

-OK.

Hands up who's got a better idea?

I said hands up, Jack.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Oh, Jack's got a suggestion.

OK, what if we was to lower the Jolly Roger

and put up the distress flag instead.

A ship always has to come to the help of another ship in distress.

When they look through their telescopes and see pirates

they'll be long gone.

What if we was to make it look like we've all been massacred?

Arrr! Huh?

We lays on deck, covers ourselves in red paint,

pretend that we've been slaughtered.

Then the crew come aboard, we spring to life,

grab our cutlasses and suddenly it's...

HE MAKES SLICING AND STABBING NOISES

They be the dead ones!

ALL: Arrrr!

Nice one, Jack, high five.

-Seriously, why would you do that?

-Sorry.

Hand out the red paint, Jack.

Oh, um...

(I didn't bring any red paint.)

-What did you say?

-I said I didn't bring any red paint.

He didn't bring any paint.

Back to plan A. Get these blouses on, ladies.

Fancy the pink one!

I want the pink one, that's my birth colour.

Please don't do...

Ow!

Did you know we Victorians were a very inventive bunch?

But sometimes the old methods are the best methods.

Good day.

This is Victorian Dragon's Den.

This is Victorian Britain, an age of enterprise and industry

when many great inventions were... well, invented by inventors.

So can any of tonight's candidates

convince the dragons to put money behind their ideas?

First up, it's Mr Nathaniel Twonk.

Gentlemen

and lady.

Allow me to explain a most efficacious device

that I have invented.

I call it the automatic bottle washer.

This device will automatically wash bottles for hours on end,

without the need for attention or adjustment.

-Ah!

-Marvellous, yes, I'm in.

I'm in.

I'm in.

Our next hopeful inventor is Mrs Edwina Gruelbucket.

Gentlemen and madam,

I wish to present you with a golden opportunity

to invest in my most marvellous invention.

The automatic potato harvester.

-Wonderful!

-I'm in.

-I'm in.

Well it's been a good day for our hopefuls so far,

let's see if Sir Chesterton Widebelly can make it a clean sweep.

Lady and Gentlemen.

I have invented something which I believe will truly change the world.

I call it,

the vacuum cleaner.

But what does it do?

It sucks...

-Oh, dear.

-It sucks all right.

The dragons aren't impressed.

Never mind.

Can Chesterton win them round?

You could use this instead.

ENTHUSIASTIC MUMBLING

That's more like it, yes, I'm in.

I'm in.

I'm in, yes.

The Victorians made children do all sorts of terrible jobs.

But they also invented lots of technology.

Electricity, the railway, steel ships, the car, the radio...

Oh for goodness sake, just listen to this.

# T'was the age of Queen Victoria's

# A period notorious

# So many brand new goods we did create.

# Our list is long and glorious though I don't intend to bore yous

# Was a time of great invention

# Was it really what did we invent then?

# Well I'm just about to mention

# Drum roll please let's raise the tension... #

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

We invented...

This musical.

Is that all?

Well...

# A chap called Henry Bessemer invented molten steel

# Which lead to other chaps creating the automobile

# Which lead to petrol tyres and bikes

# So all that was required

# Roads so concrete came and tarmac thought up too

# You're hired!

BOTH: # Ohhh

# Concrete, tarmac, steel

# The automobile

# Seal of rubber wheel

# Such inventive zeal

# Still there's plenty to reveal

# Victorian brains worked overtime to come up with ideas

# We invented light bulbs

-# Nice one!

-Cheers!

# Typewriters and radios now news was fast conveyed, hello

# The telephone was no good till a second phone was made, hello!

BOTH: # Our inventors did not snooze

# Always had another ruse

# The latest flushing loos

# Films that did amuse

# Flashbulb cameras to use

# What a picture, what a picture

# Vacuum cleaners, toilet paper post boxes and stamps

# Toilets aspirin, anaesthetics locks, electric lamps

# Sewing machines, x-rays, comics

# Ice-cream in a pot

# Easter eggs and rockets

# We invented the whole lot.

# Ohhh. #

Hang on, there's more.

# Trains and lines and bridges and the underground as well

# Paddle steamers, prams and disinfectant for their smell

# Sterile doctors instruments one last unmentioned brand

# Victorians invented the world's first conveyor band

# Cuddly toy? #

Invented 1902 - the year AFTER Victoria died.

BOTH: # Ohhh

# Barometers were new

# Iron ships are cool

# What genius

# Thank you Seems we're almost through

BOTH: # Just one little oversight... #

We invented dynamite.

Yeah, it's probably a good idea.

No, really, he does stink.

All right.

And soap wasn't the only way Saxons had of cleansing things.

No, darling, don't touch it, it's fallen in that poo.

Don't worry,

Mummy knows what to do.

'New Saxon Sign of the ross.

'Now cleansing action is more powerful than ever.'

There.

It's all pure and cleansed.

You can eat it now.

'Protect you and your family.'

Are you sure?

Yes, darling, I've done the sign of the cross over it.

'Saxon Sign of the Cross kills all household germs...dead.'

'Warning, spiritual blessings

'are unlikely to kill any germs whatsoever.

'Eating poo is a very bad idea.'

OK, so the sign of the cross didn't actually work.

No wonder in Saxon times we had some very unpleasant diseases.

Hello, Engelbert, how you doing?

All right, Edwin? Yeah, mustn't grumble, mustn't grumble.

I see you've still got a nasty case of that ergotism.

Yeah, I think I must have eaten some bread

that was infected with that ergot fungus, you know?

It's like me arms and legs are on fire. I can't stop from twitching.

How are you, all right? See you've still got some fleas then.

That's right, Edwin. I just can't seem to shake them.

-Have you tried having a bath?

-Yeah, I had a bath only a year ago

and I've tried that new Saxon cure.

Locked all my flea-infested clothes in an air-tight box.

I heard about that one, yeah.

Supposed to suffocate the fleas, isn't it?

-Does it work?

-What do you think!?

Maybe you should try some new clothes or something.

I'm wearing some new underwear, but it's definitely not helping.

-What's it made of, mate?

-Stinging nettles!

Argh!

Well, anyway, good to see you, mate, hope the fleas clear up a bit.

-Yeah, I hope your ergotism gets better.

-Oh, I'll be fine.

If it was anything serious something would have dropped off by now.

Anyway, good to see you mate.

Good to see you.

Take care.

Edwin? I think you left something behind.

It's true, ergotism gave you gangrene,

which meant bits of you could just drop off.

Arms, check. Legs, check.

Taily...

Taily, where are you, Taily! Taily! Taily!

Oh, there you are!

Ha-ha! Little Taily. Thank goodness.

Hello and welcome to the News At When.

When? The 1600s when the people of Britain went to war with each other

to decide whether they wanted the country ruled by a king

or ruled by Parliament.

With more details, it's over to Bob with the Civil War report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 1625 and I hope you're dressed smartly

because here comes the king.

Yes, it's King Charles I and right from day one

he is stirring up trouble.

He's supposed to be Protestant like the Church of England,

but he keeps doing very Catholicy things like marrying a Catholic,

praying like a Catholic and wearing a I-Love-Catholics t-shirt.

Except not the last one.

Charlie's behaviour annoys a lot of people,

especially in Parliament down here in London.

So Charlie tells them to take some time off, about ten years in fact,

leaving him in charge, which is fun.

But not for long. First the Scots,

sick of this bossy, Catholic-loving king start a war against him

and then the Irish, sick of English people stealing all their land

start another war against him

and wars are very expensive so Charlie brings back Parliament

so he can ask them for some money.

And they say, "No, because you tried to get rid of us, remember?"

Instead they give him a list of what they don't like about him.

Talk about trouble. Over the next two years the country divides in two

with some people siding with Charlie, that's the Cavaliers,

and others siding with Parliament - the Roundheads.

Until in 1642, here in Nottingham, civil war is declared.

And what a war it is. In fact if we look at the fight-o-meter

we can see that at the first major battle, victory goes to...

No-one at all, how very dull, it's a dead heat.

But in round two here in London the winner is...

Oh, a great result for the Roundheads.

Followed by a real killing by the Cavaliers in the West Country.

And then another win for the king up north

taking Bolton, Preston, Wigan and Liverpool,

where my cousin runs a dry cleaners just off the high street.

Half price on Wednesdays - worth remembering.

But the kings luck can't last.

It's complete murder at Marston Moor followed by a knockout at Newbury

and annihilation at Naseby.

In fact he's doing so badly he's broken our thingy!

But Charlie has an idea. He'll make a truce with the Scots

if they'll help him fight the Roundheads.

Which is absolutely brilliant.

Except it doesn't work and they just hand him over to Parliament.

So, the Roundheads win, the Cavaliers lose

and that is the end of that.

But not for long! It soon becomes clear that the Roundhead leader,

Oliver Cromwell is as much fun as stinging nettle underpants,

so the Scots finally form an alliance with Charlie

to overthrow Cromwell. Yes, it's Civil War - Part Two!

With the Scots and Cavaliers fighting on the same side,

they can't lose.

Or so we thought. Cromwell crushes both of them

and it's goodbye Civil War, goodbye Charlie's head

and goodbye kings and queens all together.

Cromwell is now in charge of the country and with the warring over,

Olli can stop being mean to the Cavaliers

and start being mean to the rest of us.

He turns Britain into a Puritan state

which means banning anything that's fun,

including sport, theatre and Christmas.

Then he runs out of stuff to ban, gets bored and dies.

So his son, Richard takes over but he's about as much use

as a jelly pickaxe and before long the people of Britain

just want the petty Puritans out, and the crazy kings back.

Yes, Prince Charles is welcomed home with open arms

and becomes King Charles II and the monarchy is restored!

It's The Restoration which gives us lots of fun things

like Restoration comedies,

fashion and furniture, including this delightful mahogany bureau.

Now, do I hear £750, 750 for the bureau,

750 once at the back,

I've got 800 for the bureau, 800 going once at 800,

900 for the bureau, 950 at the back there,

I've got £1,000,

£1,000, going once at £1,000, twice at £1,000,

SOLD for £1,000 for the beautiful lady with a beautiful bowl haircut.

And back to you, Sam.

One of the decisive battles of the English Civil War

was at Marston Moor, but what happened there

was unusual to say the least.

Let's go over live to Mike Peabody

to find out what actually happened. Mike.

I'm here at Marston Moor just west of York -

The site that promises to become one of the most brutal

and bloodiest battles of the whole Civil War.

I'm hoping to catch up with Prince Rupert,

leader of the Royalist forces,

who's currently preparing his Cavalier army for...dinner.

What ho, old bean.

Hello. Mike Peabody, HHTV News. Prince Rupert, hello.

I couldn't help but notice you're not actually preparing for battle.

Of course, not. It's gone 7 o'clock, only an hour of daylight left.

Not enough time for a battle, but plenty of time for a slap up feed!

So I've ordered the entire Cavalier army to down weapons

and have supper. Sit down, join us. Pheasant?

-No, I'm a Duke.

-THEY LAUGH

-Pheasant, peasant - get it?

-Yes, very good.

The problem is, there are thousands of enemy Roundheads

just over there on the other side of the moor.

Aren't you a little bit worried?

Well, yes, I am rather worried. I'm going to die...

of thirst! Pass me the wine, old man!

-To the King.

-The King!

What happens if the Roundheads launch a surprise attack?

Hold on! I think I hear something.

HE BURPS

THEY LAUGH

No, you big ninny. No-one's going to start a long battle

this late in the day, it's just not how we do things in the Stewart era.

If they would attack now, we would... Argh!

THEY SCREAM

Right. Right. Now you listen. I have a butter knife

and I'm not afraid to use it, so get back. This is Mike Peabody,

HHTV News at the surprise Roundhead attack at Marston Moor,

really wishing he was somewhere else.

You, get back or I will spread you, I am not joking!

When the Romans invaded Britain,

they had a bit of a problem in East Anglia.

The land they found there was wet and marshy.

Very, very wet and very, very marshy.

But then one Roman general had a bright idea -

Why don't we use stilts?

His plan worked brilliantly.

The stilts stopped the Romans getting wet.

But there was on small problem -

the Celts worked out that the Romans on stilts...

Argh!

..were very easy to knock over.

The Romans fell like dominos and the Celts swiftly finished them off.

Ah, well. I guess it's back to the drawing tablet.

And quickly. Argh!

And don't come back!

HE CLEARS THROAT

Sorry about that.

Unfortunately lots of Romans did end up settling in Britain

and they were very different from us Celts.

Welcome to this special Celtic episode of Historical Wife Swap.

This is Mr and Mrs Celt.

Their family have lived in Britain for centuries

and they're doing a wife swap with their new neighbours -

the Romans.

Originally from Italy, they've recently conquered Britain.

How will these two very different cultures get on?

Hello. I'm Mrs Roman. You must be Mr Celt.

Hello, Mrs Roman.

-Oh, what a lovely stable.

-Stable? No, no, this is our home.

-Oh.

-I just haven't had the chance to make it look nice, you know.

I was just about to put up these decorations.

SHE SCREAMS

Enemy head battle trophies.

I was thinking of putting this one up here.

What do you think? Er, oh... Hello? Where's she gone?

We Romans build our villas with stones and plaster,

and I asked that fur ball what Celts make their walls out of.

and it is only sticks and - get this -

animal poo.

Ugh!

But how is Mrs Celt faring at the Roman villa?

Hello...oh!

Sorry, sorry!

It's the price you pay for having such long, beautiful Celtic hair.

-I'm Geldir.

-You're a bit late, aren't you?

I was expecting you first thing.

But it is first thing!

But it's nightfall.

But to us Celts, nightfall is the start of the new day.

I see!

Well, I'm afraid you've missed supper. It's a shame,

I've laid on peacock rissoles. But do have an apple!

What on Earth is that?!

It's fruit! You eat it.

It's delicious, we brought them over from Italy.

That's not half bad!

We're off to a good start!

THEY LAUGH

So, will dinner time in the Celtic hut go smoothly?

-Are you no' hungry?

-No, I think I've lost my appetite.

I'd like to go to bed now. Can you show me where my bedroom is, please?

-HE LAUGHS

-Bedroom? That's a good one!

We have a wolf skin on the floor over there to keep you warm.

CRACKING Ow!

I cut my foot!

What...?

Ewww!

It...it's his teeth and...

Ooh, that's a nasty cut.

We'll soon sort that out with top-of-the-range Celtic medicine!

-HE WHISTLES

-Here, boy!

-A lick of the dog's tongue'll heal that up!

-BARKING

-HE WHISTLES

-Here, boy! Where is he?

-Here, boy!

-HE CHUCKLES

Where is the...

Hello?

How are the sleeping arrangements in the luxurious Roman villa?

-You'll be staying in the guest bedroom this evening.

-On the floor.

-On the bed!

-A bed!

-Oh!

-You should be warm enough,

I've got the slaves stoking the central heating.

And in the morning, you can just have a nice, hot bath.

A hot bath?!

Or a dip in the mosaic pool in the peacock garden, if you prefer.

Then the slaves will get you dressed.

Oh! I think I'm going to like it here after all!

This new Roman fruit is delicious!

Apples, pears, plums...

Yummy!

And they've even brought new animals over to Britain, too.

And they're so cute!

MIAOWING Oh, look! Here's one now!

Here, puss-puss!

Here, puss...ow!

Well, the wife swap is over

and it's clear not everyone has enjoyed their experience.

I have had the most awful time.

You Celts - you eat like animals, you sleep on the floor,

your huts are made of animal poo,

decorated with severed heads,

you're savages.

All right, dear, no need to be rude.

No, Marcus! I'm sorry.

I want you to take me back to Rome.

I miss the climate, the neighbours, the civilisation...

Aye, that's right!

You get yourselves back to Rome, ya stuck-up idiots!

You might not appreciate our dirty, stinky hut, but tae us, it's home!

When you talk to my wife like that, I will get angry.

Get out of here, pal!

-Nasty.

-Come on, love.

Let's go home.

Any chance you could take me with you? Oh!

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

Want to travel through the time series with me?

Then play Horrible Histories, Terrible Treasures.

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]