Episode 7 Horrible Histories


Episode 7

Joan of Arc gets a visit from a confused angel, a pirate captain tries to make his crew dress like ladies, and Mrs Celt enjoys being a Roman on Historical Wife Swap.


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Transcript


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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

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# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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In the Middle Ages,

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you really didn't want to get into a fight with a knight - oh, no!

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But if you refused to fight, things could still get quite messy.

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Oh, I can't look!

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FRENCH ACCENT: You, peasant, where is your master?

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What?

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Your master, the knight, where is he?

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I'm up here.

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Give me your land and your castle.

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Oh, you want me to give you my land and my castle?

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It's not going to happen.

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Hand them over, or else.

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Or else what?

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What are you going to do to me up here?

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I can do this...

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Ahhh!

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Oh! Oh, no, that is my peasant!

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Maybe I cannot get to you but I can get to your property.

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Owww!

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Ah! Stop it!

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How is he going to farm my crops when he only has one leg?

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He won't be able to,

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but you'll still have to pay for his upkeep.

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I don't believe this!

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-Now give me your land and your castle or they all get it.

-Yeah,

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hand over your castle!

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-Thank you.

-No problem.

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-Never!

-Arm or leg?

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Arm I suppose.

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-So sorry about this.

-No, no, I...

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Ow!

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-Oh!

-Now will you give me your land and your castle?

-Absolutely not.

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OK, same time tomorrow.

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-What?

-If you don't hand them over I will come back.

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Son, you are so stubborn.

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I take after you, Papa!

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By the way, give my love to Maman.

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Of course. Au revoir.

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Children, I tell you -

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I don't know what to do with them.

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HE PANTS

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A fight like that really did take place in France in the 1100s

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between a father and his son. Incredible!

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But not as incredible as the story of Joan of Arc

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who lead the French army against the English aged only 14. Yeah, 14!

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Joan claimed she was told to do it by an angel.

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Imagine that!

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I'm imagining it, I'm imagining it...

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I'm imagining it!

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Joan of Arc?

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What?

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Are you Joan of Arc?

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-Yeah.

-I am a vision of St Michael, I've been sent by God to find you.

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Pull zee other one!

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Seriously. You've been chosen to lead the French army

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against the oppressive English invaders.

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Nah, there must have been a mix up.

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-Why would you say that?

-Well,

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because A) I'm just an illiterate peasant,

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C) I'm a girl

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and A) I'm 14!

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I mean, sweeping up and darning socks I can do,

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but military leadership, not so much!

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He definitely said, I wrote it on my hand and everything.

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Are you sure it wasn't John of Arc, the bloke next door?

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Did someone call?

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John, have you been waiting on God to call on you

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to lead France in a glorious victory against the English?

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Yes, I have.

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No, it definitely says Joan.

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Right, um...

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-Sorry, John, false alarm.

-OK.

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I'm just next door if you need me.

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-Stay cool.

-Sorry, mate.

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So, um, what am I supposed to do?

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Convene with God, predict the future,

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lead the French army to victory and restore the King to his throne.

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Beats sweeping up!

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I bet, yeah.

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OK.

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Oh,

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who will darn all the villagers' socks?

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Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something.

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Ow! This is definitely what God wants?

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But, I mean, look...

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OK, so John of Arc was just made up and silly, but Joan of Arc,

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well, she was real

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and went on to defeat the English at Orleans in 1429.

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Sadly she was eventually captured by the English

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who claimed she was a witch, yeah, and they burned her at the stake.

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Well, what do you expect, this is HORRIBLE Histories.

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APPLAUSE

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Welcome to Ready Steady Feast.

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Now, aye, aye me hearties and shiver me timbers,

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please welcome aboard the infamous pirate, Captain Ned Low.

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Arrr.

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Arrrr, right back at you.

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So, pirate Ned, what have you got for us? Salted meat? Sea biscuits?

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No, no, no, no, no.

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I only deal with the freshest ingredients.

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I likes the meat to still be warm.

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OK, well let's see what's in your pirate booty.

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APPLAUSE

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There we are, fresh out the bag.

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Well, we don't normally allow helpers.

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Helpers? They're not helpers, they're the ingredients.

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AUDIENCE GASP

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Stop your fidgeting, you scurvy knaves.

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This one here's a Spanish prisoner. I'm going to cut out his heart.

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Then I'm going to takes this Frenchman and burn 'im alive.

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Finally, I'm going to cut the ears off this here swabby,

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sprinkle them with a little bit of salt

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and then makes him eat them.

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I hope you're not vegetarian.

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Oh...

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Well, I thought you were going to eat them.

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-I don't eats them.

-No.

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Frankly I'm quite offended, what do you think I am.

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I just does all that for the fun!

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HE LAUGHS

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SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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Grubs up!

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Arrr!

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You can see why no one wanted to be captured by us pirates.

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So when we was at sea, we had to use some pretty clever tricks.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Hold fast, lads.

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Looks like there's a lady on board!

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-Hello, gorgeous!

-I saw her first.

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BOTH: OH!

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I'm going to put my patch over my good eye, like that.

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That be horrible.

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It's me, your captain!

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So it is!

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Shiver me timbers!

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Captain, seriously, what is going on?

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It's my brilliant new tactic for capturing rich merchant ships.

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If they think we're all women,

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they'll never guess we're actually pirates.

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ALL: Arrrr!

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We can sail nice and close to their ship, leap aboard,

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slaughter the lot of them,

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and steal all their treasure!

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ALL: Arrrr!

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Here be your disguises,

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-Ooh, no, no.

-No...

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-Right, what's the problem?

-Well,

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-won't we look a bit...girly?

-OK.

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Hands up who's got a better idea?

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I said hands up, Jack.

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THEY ALL LAUGH

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Oh, Jack's got a suggestion.

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OK, what if we was to lower the Jolly Roger

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and put up the distress flag instead.

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A ship always has to come to the help of another ship in distress.

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When they look through their telescopes and see pirates

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they'll be long gone.

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What if we was to make it look like we've all been massacred?

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Arrr! Huh?

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We lays on deck, covers ourselves in red paint,

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pretend that we've been slaughtered.

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Then the crew come aboard, we spring to life,

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grab our cutlasses and suddenly it's...

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HE MAKES SLICING AND STABBING NOISES

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They be the dead ones!

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ALL: Arrrr!

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Nice one, Jack, high five.

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-Seriously, why would you do that?

-Sorry.

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Hand out the red paint, Jack.

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Oh, um...

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(I didn't bring any red paint.)

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-What did you say?

-I said I didn't bring any red paint.

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He didn't bring any paint.

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Back to plan A. Get these blouses on, ladies.

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Fancy the pink one!

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I want the pink one, that's my birth colour.

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Please don't do...

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Ow!

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Did you know we Victorians were a very inventive bunch?

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But sometimes the old methods are the best methods.

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Good day.

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This is Victorian Dragon's Den.

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This is Victorian Britain, an age of enterprise and industry

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when many great inventions were... well, invented by inventors.

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So can any of tonight's candidates

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convince the dragons to put money behind their ideas?

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First up, it's Mr Nathaniel Twonk.

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Gentlemen

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and lady.

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Allow me to explain a most efficacious device

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that I have invented.

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I call it the automatic bottle washer.

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This device will automatically wash bottles for hours on end,

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without the need for attention or adjustment.

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-Ah!

-Marvellous, yes, I'm in.

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I'm in.

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I'm in.

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Our next hopeful inventor is Mrs Edwina Gruelbucket.

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Gentlemen and madam,

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I wish to present you with a golden opportunity

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to invest in my most marvellous invention.

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The automatic potato harvester.

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-Wonderful!

-I'm in.

-I'm in.

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Well it's been a good day for our hopefuls so far,

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let's see if Sir Chesterton Widebelly can make it a clean sweep.

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Lady and Gentlemen.

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I have invented something which I believe will truly change the world.

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I call it,

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the vacuum cleaner.

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But what does it do?

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It sucks...

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-Oh, dear.

-It sucks all right.

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The dragons aren't impressed.

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Never mind.

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Can Chesterton win them round?

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You could use this instead.

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ENTHUSIASTIC MUMBLING

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That's more like it, yes, I'm in.

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I'm in.

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I'm in, yes.

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The Victorians made children do all sorts of terrible jobs.

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But they also invented lots of technology.

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Electricity, the railway, steel ships, the car, the radio...

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Oh for goodness sake, just listen to this.

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# T'was the age of Queen Victoria's

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# A period notorious

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# So many brand new goods we did create.

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# Our list is long and glorious though I don't intend to bore yous

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# Was a time of great invention

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# Was it really what did we invent then?

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# Well I'm just about to mention

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# Drum roll please let's raise the tension... #

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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We invented...

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This musical.

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Is that all?

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Well...

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# A chap called Henry Bessemer invented molten steel

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# Which lead to other chaps creating the automobile

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# Which lead to petrol tyres and bikes

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# So all that was required

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# Roads so concrete came and tarmac thought up too

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# You're hired!

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BOTH: # Ohhh

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# Concrete, tarmac, steel

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# The automobile

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# Seal of rubber wheel

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# Such inventive zeal

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# Still there's plenty to reveal

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# Victorian brains worked overtime to come up with ideas

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# We invented light bulbs

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-# Nice one!

-Cheers!

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# Typewriters and radios now news was fast conveyed, hello

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# The telephone was no good till a second phone was made, hello!

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BOTH: # Our inventors did not snooze

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# Always had another ruse

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# The latest flushing loos

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# Films that did amuse

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# Flashbulb cameras to use

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# What a picture, what a picture

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# Vacuum cleaners, toilet paper post boxes and stamps

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# Toilets aspirin, anaesthetics locks, electric lamps

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# Sewing machines, x-rays, comics

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# Ice-cream in a pot

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# Easter eggs and rockets

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# We invented the whole lot.

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# Ohhh. #

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Hang on, there's more.

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# Trains and lines and bridges and the underground as well

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# Paddle steamers, prams and disinfectant for their smell

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# Sterile doctors instruments one last unmentioned brand

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# Victorians invented the world's first conveyor band

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# Cuddly toy? #

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Invented 1902 - the year AFTER Victoria died.

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BOTH: # Ohhh

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# Barometers were new

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# Iron ships are cool

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# What genius

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# Thank you Seems we're almost through

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BOTH: # Just one little oversight... #

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We invented dynamite.

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Yeah, it's probably a good idea.

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No, really, he does stink.

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All right.

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And soap wasn't the only way Saxons had of cleansing things.

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No, darling, don't touch it, it's fallen in that poo.

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Don't worry,

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Mummy knows what to do.

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'New Saxon Sign of the ross.

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'Now cleansing action is more powerful than ever.'

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There.

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It's all pure and cleansed.

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You can eat it now.

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'Protect you and your family.'

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Are you sure?

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Yes, darling, I've done the sign of the cross over it.

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'Saxon Sign of the Cross kills all household germs...dead.'

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'Warning, spiritual blessings

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'are unlikely to kill any germs whatsoever.

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'Eating poo is a very bad idea.'

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OK, so the sign of the cross didn't actually work.

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No wonder in Saxon times we had some very unpleasant diseases.

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Hello, Engelbert, how you doing?

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All right, Edwin? Yeah, mustn't grumble, mustn't grumble.

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I see you've still got a nasty case of that ergotism.

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Yeah, I think I must have eaten some bread

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that was infected with that ergot fungus, you know?

0:15:100:15:13

It's like me arms and legs are on fire. I can't stop from twitching.

0:15:130:15:17

How are you, all right? See you've still got some fleas then.

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That's right, Edwin. I just can't seem to shake them.

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-Have you tried having a bath?

-Yeah, I had a bath only a year ago

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and I've tried that new Saxon cure.

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Locked all my flea-infested clothes in an air-tight box.

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I heard about that one, yeah.

0:15:310:15:33

Supposed to suffocate the fleas, isn't it?

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-Does it work?

-What do you think!?

0:15:350:15:37

Maybe you should try some new clothes or something.

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I'm wearing some new underwear, but it's definitely not helping.

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-What's it made of, mate?

-Stinging nettles!

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Argh!

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Well, anyway, good to see you, mate, hope the fleas clear up a bit.

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-Yeah, I hope your ergotism gets better.

-Oh, I'll be fine.

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If it was anything serious something would have dropped off by now.

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Anyway, good to see you mate.

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Good to see you.

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Take care.

0:16:000:16:01

Edwin? I think you left something behind.

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It's true, ergotism gave you gangrene,

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which meant bits of you could just drop off.

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Arms, check. Legs, check.

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Taily...

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Taily, where are you, Taily! Taily! Taily!

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Oh, there you are!

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Ha-ha! Little Taily. Thank goodness.

0:16:230:16:27

Hello and welcome to the News At When.

0:16:380:16:40

When? The 1600s when the people of Britain went to war with each other

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to decide whether they wanted the country ruled by a king

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or ruled by Parliament.

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With more details, it's over to Bob with the Civil War report. Bob.

0:16:490:16:54

Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 1625 and I hope you're dressed smartly

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because here comes the king.

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Yes, it's King Charles I and right from day one

0:16:580:17:01

he is stirring up trouble.

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He's supposed to be Protestant like the Church of England,

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but he keeps doing very Catholicy things like marrying a Catholic,

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praying like a Catholic and wearing a I-Love-Catholics t-shirt.

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Except not the last one.

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Charlie's behaviour annoys a lot of people,

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especially in Parliament down here in London.

0:17:160:17:18

So Charlie tells them to take some time off, about ten years in fact,

0:17:180:17:22

leaving him in charge, which is fun.

0:17:220:17:23

But not for long. First the Scots,

0:17:230:17:25

sick of this bossy, Catholic-loving king start a war against him

0:17:250:17:28

and then the Irish, sick of English people stealing all their land

0:17:280:17:32

start another war against him

0:17:320:17:33

and wars are very expensive so Charlie brings back Parliament

0:17:330:17:37

so he can ask them for some money.

0:17:370:17:38

And they say, "No, because you tried to get rid of us, remember?"

0:17:380:17:42

Instead they give him a list of what they don't like about him.

0:17:420:17:45

Talk about trouble. Over the next two years the country divides in two

0:17:450:17:48

with some people siding with Charlie, that's the Cavaliers,

0:17:480:17:52

and others siding with Parliament - the Roundheads.

0:17:520:17:54

Until in 1642, here in Nottingham, civil war is declared.

0:17:540:17:57

And what a war it is. In fact if we look at the fight-o-meter

0:17:570:18:01

we can see that at the first major battle, victory goes to...

0:18:010:18:05

No-one at all, how very dull, it's a dead heat.

0:18:050:18:07

But in round two here in London the winner is...

0:18:070:18:09

Oh, a great result for the Roundheads.

0:18:090:18:12

Followed by a real killing by the Cavaliers in the West Country.

0:18:120:18:15

And then another win for the king up north

0:18:150:18:17

taking Bolton, Preston, Wigan and Liverpool,

0:18:170:18:20

where my cousin runs a dry cleaners just off the high street.

0:18:200:18:23

Half price on Wednesdays - worth remembering.

0:18:230:18:25

But the kings luck can't last.

0:18:250:18:27

It's complete murder at Marston Moor followed by a knockout at Newbury

0:18:270:18:30

and annihilation at Naseby.

0:18:300:18:32

In fact he's doing so badly he's broken our thingy!

0:18:320:18:34

But Charlie has an idea. He'll make a truce with the Scots

0:18:340:18:37

if they'll help him fight the Roundheads.

0:18:370:18:40

Which is absolutely brilliant.

0:18:400:18:41

Except it doesn't work and they just hand him over to Parliament.

0:18:410:18:45

So, the Roundheads win, the Cavaliers lose

0:18:450:18:47

and that is the end of that.

0:18:470:18:49

But not for long! It soon becomes clear that the Roundhead leader,

0:18:500:18:53

Oliver Cromwell is as much fun as stinging nettle underpants,

0:18:530:18:56

so the Scots finally form an alliance with Charlie

0:18:560:18:59

to overthrow Cromwell. Yes, it's Civil War - Part Two!

0:18:590:19:02

With the Scots and Cavaliers fighting on the same side,

0:19:020:19:05

they can't lose.

0:19:050:19:06

Or so we thought. Cromwell crushes both of them

0:19:060:19:08

and it's goodbye Civil War, goodbye Charlie's head

0:19:080:19:11

and goodbye kings and queens all together.

0:19:110:19:13

Cromwell is now in charge of the country and with the warring over,

0:19:130:19:17

Olli can stop being mean to the Cavaliers

0:19:170:19:19

and start being mean to the rest of us.

0:19:190:19:21

He turns Britain into a Puritan state

0:19:210:19:23

which means banning anything that's fun,

0:19:230:19:25

including sport, theatre and Christmas.

0:19:250:19:27

Then he runs out of stuff to ban, gets bored and dies.

0:19:270:19:30

So his son, Richard takes over but he's about as much use

0:19:300:19:33

as a jelly pickaxe and before long the people of Britain

0:19:330:19:36

just want the petty Puritans out, and the crazy kings back.

0:19:360:19:39

Yes, Prince Charles is welcomed home with open arms

0:19:390:19:41

and becomes King Charles II and the monarchy is restored!

0:19:410:19:44

It's The Restoration which gives us lots of fun things

0:19:440:19:47

like Restoration comedies,

0:19:470:19:49

fashion and furniture, including this delightful mahogany bureau.

0:19:490:19:52

Now, do I hear £750, 750 for the bureau,

0:19:520:19:55

750 once at the back,

0:19:550:19:56

I've got 800 for the bureau, 800 going once at 800,

0:19:560:19:59

900 for the bureau, 950 at the back there,

0:19:590:20:01

I've got £1,000,

0:20:010:20:03

£1,000, going once at £1,000, twice at £1,000,

0:20:030:20:05

SOLD for £1,000 for the beautiful lady with a beautiful bowl haircut.

0:20:050:20:09

And back to you, Sam.

0:20:090:20:10

One of the decisive battles of the English Civil War

0:20:140:20:17

was at Marston Moor, but what happened there

0:20:170:20:20

was unusual to say the least.

0:20:200:20:22

Let's go over live to Mike Peabody

0:20:220:20:24

to find out what actually happened. Mike.

0:20:240:20:27

I'm here at Marston Moor just west of York -

0:20:270:20:30

The site that promises to become one of the most brutal

0:20:300:20:33

and bloodiest battles of the whole Civil War.

0:20:330:20:36

I'm hoping to catch up with Prince Rupert,

0:20:360:20:38

leader of the Royalist forces,

0:20:380:20:40

who's currently preparing his Cavalier army for...dinner.

0:20:400:20:44

What ho, old bean.

0:20:440:20:46

Hello. Mike Peabody, HHTV News. Prince Rupert, hello.

0:20:460:20:50

I couldn't help but notice you're not actually preparing for battle.

0:20:500:20:53

Of course, not. It's gone 7 o'clock, only an hour of daylight left.

0:20:530:20:57

Not enough time for a battle, but plenty of time for a slap up feed!

0:20:570:21:01

So I've ordered the entire Cavalier army to down weapons

0:21:010:21:05

and have supper. Sit down, join us. Pheasant?

0:21:050:21:08

-No, I'm a Duke.

-THEY LAUGH

0:21:080:21:12

-Pheasant, peasant - get it?

-Yes, very good.

0:21:120:21:16

The problem is, there are thousands of enemy Roundheads

0:21:160:21:19

just over there on the other side of the moor.

0:21:190:21:21

Aren't you a little bit worried?

0:21:210:21:23

Well, yes, I am rather worried. I'm going to die...

0:21:230:21:26

of thirst! Pass me the wine, old man!

0:21:260:21:30

-To the King.

-The King!

0:21:300:21:32

What happens if the Roundheads launch a surprise attack?

0:21:320:21:36

Hold on! I think I hear something.

0:21:360:21:39

HE BURPS

0:21:400:21:42

THEY LAUGH

0:21:420:21:44

No, you big ninny. No-one's going to start a long battle

0:21:440:21:47

this late in the day, it's just not how we do things in the Stewart era.

0:21:470:21:51

If they would attack now, we would... Argh!

0:21:510:21:54

THEY SCREAM

0:21:540:21:57

Right. Right. Now you listen. I have a butter knife

0:21:570:22:00

and I'm not afraid to use it, so get back. This is Mike Peabody,

0:22:000:22:03

HHTV News at the surprise Roundhead attack at Marston Moor,

0:22:030:22:07

really wishing he was somewhere else.

0:22:070:22:09

You, get back or I will spread you, I am not joking!

0:22:090:22:12

When the Romans invaded Britain,

0:22:190:22:22

they had a bit of a problem in East Anglia.

0:22:220:22:25

The land they found there was wet and marshy.

0:22:250:22:28

Very, very wet and very, very marshy.

0:22:280:22:31

But then one Roman general had a bright idea -

0:22:320:22:36

Why don't we use stilts?

0:22:360:22:38

His plan worked brilliantly.

0:22:390:22:41

The stilts stopped the Romans getting wet.

0:22:410:22:44

But there was on small problem -

0:22:440:22:46

the Celts worked out that the Romans on stilts...

0:22:460:22:49

Argh!

0:22:490:22:51

..were very easy to knock over.

0:22:510:22:53

The Romans fell like dominos and the Celts swiftly finished them off.

0:22:530:22:58

Ah, well. I guess it's back to the drawing tablet.

0:22:580:23:01

And quickly. Argh!

0:23:010:23:03

And don't come back!

0:23:030:23:06

HE CLEARS THROAT

0:23:060:23:08

Sorry about that.

0:23:080:23:09

Unfortunately lots of Romans did end up settling in Britain

0:23:090:23:12

and they were very different from us Celts.

0:23:120:23:15

Welcome to this special Celtic episode of Historical Wife Swap.

0:23:150:23:19

This is Mr and Mrs Celt.

0:23:190:23:22

Their family have lived in Britain for centuries

0:23:220:23:24

and they're doing a wife swap with their new neighbours -

0:23:240:23:27

the Romans.

0:23:270:23:29

Originally from Italy, they've recently conquered Britain.

0:23:290:23:32

How will these two very different cultures get on?

0:23:320:23:36

Hello. I'm Mrs Roman. You must be Mr Celt.

0:23:370:23:42

Hello, Mrs Roman.

0:23:420:23:44

-Oh, what a lovely stable.

-Stable? No, no, this is our home.

0:23:440:23:48

-Oh.

-I just haven't had the chance to make it look nice, you know.

0:23:480:23:53

I was just about to put up these decorations.

0:23:530:23:55

SHE SCREAMS

0:23:570:23:58

Enemy head battle trophies.

0:23:580:23:59

I was thinking of putting this one up here.

0:23:590:24:02

What do you think? Er, oh... Hello? Where's she gone?

0:24:040:24:09

We Romans build our villas with stones and plaster,

0:24:090:24:13

and I asked that fur ball what Celts make their walls out of.

0:24:130:24:17

and it is only sticks and - get this -

0:24:170:24:21

animal poo.

0:24:210:24:24

Ugh!

0:24:240:24:25

But how is Mrs Celt faring at the Roman villa?

0:24:250:24:28

Hello...oh!

0:24:280:24:29

Sorry, sorry!

0:24:290:24:31

It's the price you pay for having such long, beautiful Celtic hair.

0:24:310:24:35

-I'm Geldir.

-You're a bit late, aren't you?

0:24:350:24:37

I was expecting you first thing.

0:24:370:24:39

But it is first thing!

0:24:390:24:41

But it's nightfall.

0:24:410:24:42

But to us Celts, nightfall is the start of the new day.

0:24:420:24:46

I see!

0:24:460:24:47

Well, I'm afraid you've missed supper. It's a shame,

0:24:470:24:51

I've laid on peacock rissoles. But do have an apple!

0:24:510:24:54

What on Earth is that?!

0:24:540:24:56

It's fruit! You eat it.

0:24:560:24:57

It's delicious, we brought them over from Italy.

0:24:570:25:00

That's not half bad!

0:25:050:25:07

We're off to a good start!

0:25:070:25:09

THEY LAUGH

0:25:090:25:10

So, will dinner time in the Celtic hut go smoothly?

0:25:100:25:14

-Are you no' hungry?

-No, I think I've lost my appetite.

0:25:140:25:18

I'd like to go to bed now. Can you show me where my bedroom is, please?

0:25:180:25:21

-HE LAUGHS

-Bedroom? That's a good one!

0:25:210:25:24

We have a wolf skin on the floor over there to keep you warm.

0:25:240:25:28

CRACKING Ow!

0:25:300:25:31

I cut my foot!

0:25:310:25:33

What...?

0:25:330:25:34

Ewww!

0:25:340:25:35

It...it's his teeth and...

0:25:350:25:38

Ooh, that's a nasty cut.

0:25:380:25:40

We'll soon sort that out with top-of-the-range Celtic medicine!

0:25:400:25:44

-HE WHISTLES

-Here, boy!

0:25:440:25:47

-A lick of the dog's tongue'll heal that up!

-BARKING

0:25:470:25:49

-HE WHISTLES

-Here, boy! Where is he?

0:25:490:25:52

-Here, boy!

-HE CHUCKLES

0:25:520:25:54

Where is the...

0:25:540:25:56

Hello?

0:25:560:25:57

How are the sleeping arrangements in the luxurious Roman villa?

0:25:570:26:00

-You'll be staying in the guest bedroom this evening.

-On the floor.

0:26:000:26:04

-On the bed!

-A bed!

0:26:040:26:06

-Oh!

-You should be warm enough,

0:26:060:26:08

I've got the slaves stoking the central heating.

0:26:080:26:12

And in the morning, you can just have a nice, hot bath.

0:26:120:26:15

A hot bath?!

0:26:150:26:17

Or a dip in the mosaic pool in the peacock garden, if you prefer.

0:26:170:26:20

Then the slaves will get you dressed.

0:26:200:26:23

Oh! I think I'm going to like it here after all!

0:26:230:26:26

This new Roman fruit is delicious!

0:26:260:26:30

Apples, pears, plums...

0:26:300:26:33

Yummy!

0:26:330:26:34

And they've even brought new animals over to Britain, too.

0:26:340:26:37

And they're so cute!

0:26:370:26:39

MIAOWING Oh, look! Here's one now!

0:26:390:26:41

Here, puss-puss!

0:26:410:26:43

Here, puss...ow!

0:26:430:26:45

Well, the wife swap is over

0:26:450:26:46

and it's clear not everyone has enjoyed their experience.

0:26:460:26:50

I have had the most awful time.

0:26:500:26:53

You Celts - you eat like animals, you sleep on the floor,

0:26:530:26:57

your huts are made of animal poo,

0:26:570:26:59

decorated with severed heads,

0:26:590:27:02

you're savages.

0:27:020:27:03

All right, dear, no need to be rude.

0:27:030:27:05

No, Marcus! I'm sorry.

0:27:050:27:07

I want you to take me back to Rome.

0:27:070:27:09

I miss the climate, the neighbours, the civilisation...

0:27:090:27:12

Aye, that's right!

0:27:120:27:13

You get yourselves back to Rome, ya stuck-up idiots!

0:27:130:27:17

You might not appreciate our dirty, stinky hut, but tae us, it's home!

0:27:170:27:22

When you talk to my wife like that, I will get angry.

0:27:220:27:25

Get out of here, pal!

0:27:250:27:27

-Nasty.

-Come on, love.

0:27:270:27:29

Let's go home.

0:27:290:27:31

Any chance you could take me with you? Oh!

0:27:310:27:33

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

0:27:350:27:37

# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

0:27:370:27:38

Want to travel through the time series with me?

0:27:380:27:41

Then play Horrible Histories, Terrible Treasures.

0:27:410:27:45

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

0:27:450:27:48

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

0:27:480:27:52

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:520:27:53

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:530:27:55

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