Episode 11 Horrible Histories


Episode 11

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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Some of our Roman Emperors were a bit, well, loopy,

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and none were loopier than Caligula.

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Legionaries, attention!

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All hail the Emperor of Rome, Caligula.

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Legions of Rome,

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today is a great day in the history of the Empire, for today we shall

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sail across the Channel and finally conquer Britain. What say you?

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UNENTHUSIASTIC MUTTERING

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-Army looks a little thin on the ground today, General.

-Yes, sir.

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Erm, did you actually tell the other garrisons about the invasion?

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Of course I did. Or did I just tell Mr Hand?

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Mr Hand, did I tell the other garrisons about the invasion?

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No, you didn't, you only told me.

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Yes, it turns out I just told Mr Hand.

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Well, to successfully invade Britain we'd need thousands of men.

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And how many men do we have?

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Well, including you, me, Jeremy, who frankly is

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more of a lover than a fighter...

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-six.

-Mmm.

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To invade Britain with this many men you'd have to be mad.

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Oh, well, I certainly don't want people to think I'm mad, do I,

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Mr Hand? No, you certainly wouldn't.

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Well, I can't come all this way without fighting anyone,

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it would be too embarrassing.

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We must return to Rome in victory.

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But we're on a deserted beach in a country we've already conquered.

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-There's no-one here to fight.

-I think you're forgetting my greatest

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and most valiant enemy - Poseidon, god of the sea!

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Let us wage war on the sea.

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Look, General, it's retreating.

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It's attacking again.

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-It's retreating again.

-That's just the tide going out.

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Take that, you big, wet wuss.

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See how I whip Poseidon into surrender.

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It's true, Caligula did indeed

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forget to tell his armies to invade Britain with him.

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He ordered his troops to collect

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seashells, then whipped the sea so he wouldn't look so foolish.

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He really was one prawn short of a cocktail, wasn't he?

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So why did his legionaries go along with it?

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Well, they were trained to do exactly as they were told.

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My name's Stuffus Maximus and I'm a legionary in the Roman army.

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'I joined the army because I liked swords and fighting,

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'and because I was made to, of course.

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'But it's not all work, work, work, you know.'

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What do you think you're doing, you horrible little man?

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You're supposed to be doing stabbing practice, so start stabbing.

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'Actually, thinking about it, it is all work, work, work.

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'We train harder than any other army in history. We march 20 miles a day,

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'build a whole fort and then take it down again the next morning.'

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Can't complain, though.

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Get your knees up, you horrible little man!

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They hit you if you complain.

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Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!

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I suppose the food's not bad, but you do have to pay for it.

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'In fact, you have to pay for everything in the Roman army -

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'your food, your uniform, your weapons...

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'even your own funeral.'

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Course, if you decide the army's not for you, you can always leave.

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Oh...

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'Well, the army tends to look down on deserters.

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'About 500 feet down, to be precise. So I'd recommend staying to fight.'

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Gentlemen, victory is ours.

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-Let us gather the spoils of war.

-The what?

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The shells the sea left when it was running away.

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Legionaries, gather every seashell on the seashore.

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We'll show that watery halfwit who the daddy is.

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You're the daddy. Yes, I am the daddy.

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You're the daddy. Look, I'm agreeing with you here, Mr Hand.

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So are you ready to return to Rome now, Emperor?

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Yes, with my head held high.

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No-one can accuse me of looking silly now. Come along, Jeremy.

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You didn't want to live in England in 1349 because there was a nasty

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outbreak of the plague - not that there's ever been a nice one.

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We're expecting severe outbreaks of the Plague this year.

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Sweeping over on ships from Europe, it's expected to spread right across

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England. Towns and cities will be

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the worst affected, with people dying in vast numbers here,

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here and indeed here.

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Better news up in Scotland, though.

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No plague whatsoever.

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So in summary, if you live in England,

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expect a nasty outbreak of coughing

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and weeping sores that ooze blood, followed by almost certain death.

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On a more positive note, tomorrow should be bright and sunny,

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perfect for that mass burial in a big stinky pit.

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Have a lovely year.

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Aaargh!

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Sons of Scotland, the Plague has been killing off

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the English in their thousands, and those that are left are sick

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and weak, whereas we are strong, for there is no plague in Scotland.

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Argh!

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With their defences down, now is the time for us to invade.

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Let the arrogant English taste some Scottish steel.

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-Argh!

-Go get 'em, laddies.

-So are you all ready?

-Aye!

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-Have you all had your porridge?

-Aye!

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Have you all sharpened

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-your weapons?

-Aye!

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And have you all put on some nice warm underwear?

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Of course not, you big Jessie.

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-Now let's go and slaughter some English.

-Argh!

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Kill them, kill them all, butcher the lot of them and don't stop till

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the soil of England is stained red with their blood.

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HE COUGHS

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Oh, you're back already, MacDonald? You dinnae look so well.

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Think I may have caught a wee dose of that English plague, no?

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It's possible I didn't really think this

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whole invasion thing through, did I?

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No.

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Quick, lads, back over the border.

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Retreat, run home to your villages.

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But won't that bring the Plague back?

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-You'll infect the whole of Scotland.

-Aye.

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I didn't really think that bit through too well either, did I?

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Erm, no.

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THEY COUGH

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Freedom!

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That is exactly what happened.

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The Scottish army invaded England, caught the Plague and took it back

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to their families in Scotland.

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-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Ooh, my husband went to England

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and all he brought me back was this lousy plague.

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And Scottish families in the Middle Ages had some

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pretty unusual customs.

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Alan is a Middle Ages man from England.

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He's met Scottish beauty Doileag and wants to marry her. So they've

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travelled back to Scotland to meet Doileag's devoted mother and father.

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-But what will they think of him?

-This is Alan.

-Hello.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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I don't think they like me.

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No, no, we're just throwing herring fat at a wall to see

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if you're an honest man or no'.

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That's how we like to do things in Medieval Scotland.

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Aye, the herring fat runs straight, father.

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-Is that a good thing?

-Aye.

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-If it were crooked that would mean you were dishonest.

-Oh.

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Now allow me to wash your feet in a mixture of oil, soot and cinders.

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This will bring you luck for your marriage.

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It's how we like to do things in Medieval Scotland!

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It's the morning of the wedding

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-and Alan's beginning to have some doubts.

-Listen, Doileag.

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Look, all these weird Scottish customs have got me thinking.

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You don't think we're rushing into things, do you?

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Oh!

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-Aye, ready for a creeling.

-Ooh, what's a creeling?

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It's just a test to see if you're man enough to be my husband.

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All you have to do is carry this basket of stones around the village.

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-Off you go.

-Argh, it'll be all right.

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Aye, it's how we like to do things in Medieval Scotland!

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-Did you go all around the village?

-Yes.

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Aye, he's still an honest man. He's telling the truth.

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Let's get to the church.

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Coming up in the next series of My Big Fat Medieval Scottish Wedding,

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Doileag and Alan's baby is christened.

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SHE SPITS

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Aye, it's how we like to do things in Medieval Scotland!

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# Saxon monks had very strict rules

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# But we didn't always obey them

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# Welcome to our monastery Please have a chair

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# Good to see you monks so deep in prayer

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# Once the praying's finished Your chores must be done

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# The main rule of a good monk's life is no fun

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# We have to pray eight times a day Seven days a week

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# And copy all these manuscripts in writing so antique

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# I'll finish off this letter A Once I've ploughed our field

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# Milked the cows, mucked the sows Vegetables peeled

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# I'll be doing that and praying too

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# Very well, gents I'll bid you, adieu

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# Adveniat regnum tuum

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# OK, brothers, I think he's gone...

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# Now the bishop's not around Throw off these religious gowns

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-# Hunky... Chunky... Funky Monk-y

-Get down!

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# It's not all hymns and praying It's not all work and no playing

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# So let's start misbehaving

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# And get with the funk

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# We love to have a party Eat food that is hearty

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-# Let's get the boozing started

-Drunk like a monk

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# Play that monk-y music, funk boy

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# Just wanted to check that during my absence

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# You're honouring your meal time vow of silence...

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# Although we didn't oughtta We like to hunt and slaughter

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# Don't need no bread and water

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# Just fun, fun, fun

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# Monastery is jumping Party beat is thumping

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# Just lacks a certain something

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# A funky nun!

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# Get in the party habit Girlfriend...

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# It's true that life is tough here

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# But you obey the rules That is clear

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# That's why we're a place of great repute

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# What's this? I see we have a new recruit

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# Welcome to our monastery What's your name?

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# She... He can't talk And his name is...Wayne

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# Amen. #

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Ah, men!

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The answer is C - they had it...

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Oh, no, sorry, my mistake.

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It's A, they polished it with a stone called a pumice stone,

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which is a sort of volcanic rock.

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Hello, welcome to Ready Steady Feast.

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My first guest today has travelled all the way from ancient Egypt.

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Please welcome Cheops.

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-Hello there.

-Hi, Cheops.

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Now, you're an Egyptian peasant, so what horrible peasanty food have

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you brought with you today?

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I've brought some bread.

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Bread. That's pretty normal.

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Argh, it's rock hard. Could lose a tooth on that.

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Yes, I know.

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It's the Egyptian sun, you see.

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It dries everything out.

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Makes the fish quite chewy as well.

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I am not touching that.

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Fair enough. How about some nice, soft dates?

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Oh, yes. Now these are more like it.

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-They're hand picked...

-Mm, lovely.

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..by baboons.

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SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

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Yes, pet baboons, specially trained to

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climb up trees and pick the fruits.

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-But not specially trained to ever wash their hands.

-Well, no.

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Let's see if I have more luck with my next guest.

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He is an ancient Egyptian pyramid builder.

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Oh, you know how builders are paid in radishes and garlic, don't you?

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Shut it, baboon boy.

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They eat a lot of radishes and garlic, is all I'm saying.

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Please welcome Menez.

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Hello there.

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I did try to warn her.

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Date?

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-Oh, thank you very much.

-They're nice.

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Little bit of baboon dropping on there.

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-Mmm.

-Yeah, I like the dates.

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-Grub's up.

-Yeah, grub's up.

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And it took a lot of radishes and garlic

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to pay all the builders we needed to make a pyramid, I can tell you.

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-'Ever wanted to build your own pyramid?'

-You bet I do.

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'Well, now you can, with Pyramid Weekly.

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'Every issue of Pyramid Weekly brings you a free gift.

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-'A large stone weighing two-and-a-half tonnes.'

-Wow, a big stone. Great!

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How many do I need to build a pyramid?

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-'Just 2.3 million.'

-Cool.

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'Yes, buy Pyramid Weekly every week and in just 442,000 years

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'you will have enough stones to build your own pyramid.'

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Hey, Harry, what did you get in Pyramid Weekly this week?

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Another big stone. That's 34 so far.

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I'll have 2.3 million in no time.

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Then all you'll have to do is build it.

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'Read how it took 70,000 labourers five years to build each pyramid.'

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Do you think Dad'll help me?

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Of course he will.

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'Order today and get a second free issue completely free.

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'Pyramid Weekly. Pick one up today, if you can.

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'70,000 labourers not included.'

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The 19th century iron-clad ship used in the American Civil War.

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This ship was covered entirely in metal, meaning enemy fire bounced

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right off it.

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Plus it could destroy wooden ships by ramming them.

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The iron-clad ship was indestructible,

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but there was one small problem.

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The other side had one, too,

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so the battle went on for hours...

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..and hours.

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How about we just call it a draw?

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That's right.

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In the 1860s, the United States of America wasn't quite so united.

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Civil war broke out, with the Northern States doing

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battle against the Southern States.

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One of the Southern Confederate generals was a really unusual

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character, to say the least.

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I cannot believe that General Stonewall Jackson himself

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-is going to be giving us our battle orders.

-Yes, brilliant and fearless.

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No matter how heavy the enemy

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fire, he just stands there, unmoving like a stone wall.

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He's one of our finest Confederate leaders.

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I hope it's going to be a surprise attack,

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-he is famous for his...

-Ten-shun!

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General Jackson, may I say what an honour it is to serve under you?

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You have to speak up, son. Little deaf in that ear.

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Oh, just saying it's a great honour to serve under you.

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No, I'm a bit deaf in that one, too.

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(Must be all the cannon fire.)

0:17:130:17:15

Cannon fire? Where? Where? Huh, huh, huh.

0:17:150:17:18

-You have a map of the battlefield?

-I do, sir, yes.

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-This indicates the current location of the enemy and...

-SNORES

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-Sir?

-I believe he has fallen asleep.

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Good morning.

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Right, we shall attack the enemy this way, huh, huh, huh.

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-From the air, with balloons?

-No, son,

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I'm just balancing out my arms, keeping the circulation going.

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My right arm is longer than the left one.

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Anyway, sir, this map shows the current position of the enemy.

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-SNORES

-Forces are...

-Not again.

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Huh, huh, huh.

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I cannot believe this is Stonewall Jackson.

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(Shh, he'll hear you.)

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No, he won't. This man is not a legend.

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This man is some crazy, arm-waving idiot who falls asleep all the time.

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Ah! So the enemy guns face to the west.

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We'll outflank them to the right and attack them from the east.

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Our troops will then approach them silently using the long grass as cover,

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-we will surprise the enemy and capture them before a shot is fired.

-Brilliant.

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Yes, I suppose he does have his moments.

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Sir, he is dribbling on my tunic.

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Ancient Greece was divided into a number of different states.

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There was my home, the warrior state, Sparta.

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And, well, lots of other rubbish ones. Go, Sparta!

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-And you must be?

-Linda and Nigel.

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We're Archelaus' parents.

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Archelaus? I see.

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-What's wrong?

-Well, I've been meaning to speak

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-to you about your son's behaviour for some time.

-Is he in trouble?

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Well, I have a list here of what he's been up to in the last week alone.

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Screaming, shouting,

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-fighting with other pupils, attacking the teachers.

-Really?

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Bringing weapons into school, cheating, lying, stealing, bullying.

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I mean, the list goes on and on.

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Mr and Mrs Archelaus, your son...

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Yes.

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..is the perfect Spartan child.

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He is going to make a fantastic Spartan warrior.

0:19:200:19:24

-You must be very proud.

-I'm very proud.

0:19:240:19:26

Yeah, he's very proud.

0:19:260:19:28

All right, it is a Spartan school so don't cry.

0:19:280:19:31

Although sometimes they were whipped so hard and so often that they died.

0:19:450:19:49

And if you think that's a stupid way to die, check out what happened

0:19:490:19:53

to the Athenian ruler Draco.

0:19:530:19:54

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true

0:19:570:20:01

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

0:20:010:20:06

Next. So whom might you be?

0:20:080:20:12

Draco, Greek lawmaker and ruler of Athens.

0:20:120:20:16

Ooh. Greek lawmaker.

0:20:160:20:19

Not THE Draco, the one who made pretty much

0:20:190:20:22

any criminal offence punishable by death, even stealing an apple?

0:20:220:20:26

-The very same.

-Oh, brilliant.

0:20:260:20:30

Can I have an autograph, please?

0:20:300:20:32

-Yes, of course.

-Just here, thank you.

0:20:320:20:35

Oh, any chance of a kissy?

0:20:350:20:38

Oh, two kissies! Lovely.

0:20:420:20:44

Right, now tell me about your stupid death, come on.

0:20:440:20:48

Well, you see I was a very cruel ruler, but also a popular one.

0:20:480:20:52

Cruel but popular. Me too.

0:20:520:20:54

So a special show was put on in the Athenian arena in my honour,

0:20:540:20:58

and I stepped out to soak up the praise of the crowd.

0:20:580:21:03

Anyway, the crowd, to show

0:21:030:21:05

-their admiration, began to shower me with their hats and cloaks.

-Yes.

0:21:050:21:11

And then more hats and cloaks.

0:21:110:21:14

-And then more cloaks... and more hats...and more cloaks.

-Yes.

0:21:140:21:19

And more hats and cloaks, and more hats and cloaks, until eventually,

0:21:190:21:23

I had so many hats and cloaks piled up on top of me, I suffocated.

0:21:230:21:28

HE LAUGHS

0:21:280:21:30

That's hilarious!

0:21:330:21:36

That's so funny, I'm gasping for air.

0:21:360:21:39

Like you were!

0:21:390:21:41

Oh, because of the hats and cloaks thing, yes.

0:21:410:21:44

Oh, good news, Draco, you're through to the afterlife.

0:21:440:21:47

Thank you, thank you so much.

0:21:470:21:49

Oh, dear. I love my job sometimes, I really do.

0:21:490:21:54

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

0:21:540:22:00

Hello and welcome to the News At When.

0:22:090:22:12

When? Tudor times, when England broke with Rome and got its own church,

0:22:120:22:16

which really pleased Henry VIII and really upset the Pope.

0:22:160:22:21

Here with more details is Bob Hale

0:22:210:22:23

with the Catholic report. Bob.

0:22:230:22:25

Thank you, Sam. Well, there it is - Tudor England, that's Henry VIII

0:22:250:22:28

right there, and as you can tell, it's wall-to-wall Catholics as far

0:22:280:22:31

as the eye can see, much as it has been for, ooh, let's say 900 years.

0:22:310:22:35

But Henry's got a bit of a problem because he wants a divorce,

0:22:350:22:38

which is exactly the sort of thing the Catholic Church doesn't like.

0:22:380:22:41

So he asks the Pope if he can have a divorce and he says "No way, Jose",

0:22:410:22:45

which is weird because his name's Henry.

0:22:450:22:47

So what does Henry do? He breaks away from the Pope, there he goes,

0:22:470:22:50

and he starts up his own church here in England called, unsurprisingly,

0:22:500:22:54

the Church of England.

0:22:540:22:55

And since he's in charge of it, he grants himself a divorce

0:22:550:22:58

and marries Anne Boleyn, who's a Protestant - she believes

0:22:580:23:00

in the Bible but not in the Pope.

0:23:000:23:02

Since the country's turning Protestant, Henry starts being

0:23:020:23:05

a bit mean to the Catholics. By that, I mean he executes them,

0:23:050:23:08

closes their monasteries and takes all their money.

0:23:080:23:10

Then he gets married another four times and he dies.

0:23:100:23:13

That's what six wives will do to you. And that, believe it or not,

0:23:130:23:16

was the easy bit, as we can see if we look at the religion-o-meter.

0:23:160:23:19

So, the next king after Henry is...

0:23:190:23:21

someone from your school. No, not really.

0:23:210:23:23

It's Edward VI, who's only nine years old, and he is a Protestant.

0:23:230:23:27

And he's the king for ages and ages

0:23:270:23:28

and ages until he finally dies at the ripe old age of 15.

0:23:280:23:32

Yep, 15, when he hands over to Lady Jane Grey, another

0:23:320:23:35

Protestant, who gets to enjoy ruling the country for a whopping nine days

0:23:350:23:38

before she's overthrown by Queen Mary, a Catholic this time,

0:23:380:23:42

so Catholic, in fact, that she burns 300 Protestants at the stake.

0:23:420:23:45

Although, that's not being Catholic, that's just being horrid.

0:23:450:23:49

So England is Catholic again and everyone can just sit down and get used to it.

0:23:490:23:53

But not for long! Because here comes

0:23:530:23:54

Queen Elizabeth and, you've guessed it, she's a Protestant.

0:23:540:23:57

She even fights off a Catholic invasion, the Spanish Armada,

0:23:570:24:00

and Elizabeth is followed by James I, who's a Scottish Protestant

0:24:000:24:03

- or is it a Prottish Scotestant?

0:24:030:24:04

Either way, he's a Protestant but he likes Catholics.

0:24:040:24:06

He does until one tries to blow him up.

0:24:060:24:08

Naughty, naughty, Guy Fawkes!

0:24:080:24:10

And after James comes Charles I,

0:24:100:24:12

who acts like a Catholic but basically doesn't care, he just

0:24:120:24:15

wants to be in charge, which he is, until he's overthrown by that chap,

0:24:150:24:18

who's not a Catholic or a Protestant. He's not even a king!

0:24:180:24:21

Seriously. He's Oliver Cromwell,

0:24:210:24:23

a Puritan, which is like a really strict Protestant.

0:24:230:24:25

So strict he chops Charlie's head off and then he

0:24:250:24:28

bans music, theatre, dancing, Christmas, hedgehogs and fun.

0:24:280:24:31

Except not hedgehogs. Then he dies - hurray!

0:24:310:24:33

And we get the monarchs back. Woo-hoo!

0:24:330:24:35

It's Charles II, who is loads of fun.

0:24:350:24:37

He's also a Protestant, but he converts to Catholicism

0:24:370:24:40

on his death bed, so he's a Catholic, but only for a couple of minutes.

0:24:400:24:43

Then comes his brother James II, who

0:24:430:24:45

is a Catholic, always has been, not just for a couple of minutes.

0:24:450:24:48

He doesn't like Parliament so they bring in

0:24:480:24:50

his daughter and her husband from Holland, William and Mary.

0:24:500:24:53

They decide England is definitely Protestant, as it is today,

0:24:530:24:56

but only after 185 years of going Catholic, Protestant, Catholic,

0:24:560:25:00

Protestant, Catholic, Protestant, Catholic, Protestant.

0:25:000:25:03

You're getting sleepy, you're getting very sleepy...

0:25:030:25:07

Hand back to Sam, Sam, Sam...

0:25:070:25:12

Sam... Sam... Sam...

0:25:130:25:18

Yes, the whole Catholic-Protestant

0:25:200:25:22

thing started with Henry VIII's doomed marriage to Anne Boleyn.

0:25:220:25:26

When marriages come to an end, things have to be divided up,

0:25:260:25:30

and in this case Henry divided up Anne.

0:25:300:25:32

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:25:320:25:34

Oh, I'm sorry, have I gone too far?

0:25:340:25:37

You join us here today on this sad occasion.

0:25:370:25:41

Queen Anne Boleyn is about to be beheaded.

0:25:410:25:44

I am joined here by her husband, King Henry VIII.

0:25:440:25:47

Your Majesty, how do you feel on this tragic day?

0:25:470:25:52

Ace! 15-love.

0:25:520:25:54

So you're not attending the execution, then?

0:25:540:25:57

Oh, no. I would have loved to have

0:25:570:25:59

been there but I had this game of Tudor tennis booked in the diary.

0:25:590:26:03

You know how it is. Busy king, countries to rule, volleys to hit.

0:26:030:26:07

-30-love. Look at his face.

-That was out, Your Majesty.

0:26:090:26:13

Are you absolutely sure?

0:26:130:26:15

My mistake. Good shot.

0:26:150:26:17

30-love.

0:26:170:26:19

Isn't playing tennis while your wife's being beheaded a little...

0:26:190:26:23

well, heartless?

0:26:230:26:24

Heartless? I have gone out of my way to make things nice for her.

0:26:240:26:28

Nice?

0:26:280:26:30

Yes. I ordered the best swordsman

0:26:300:26:32

in France to lop her head off. Got him in from Calais.

0:26:320:26:35

Sharp sword, spared no expense, good clean blow, boo-boom! Head off.

0:26:350:26:41

And she had a fair trial, despite what people said.

0:26:410:26:44

Is it my fault that woman was a witch?

0:26:440:26:47

40-love!

0:26:480:26:50

-Brilliant!

-Forgive me, Your Majesty, but to get

0:26:500:26:53

the executioner from Calais to London in time, didn't you have

0:26:530:26:56

to order him before Anne's trial?

0:26:560:26:59

Oh, details, details.

0:26:590:27:02

Game, set and match!

0:27:020:27:05

Look at that - King wins, King wins! Hello.

0:27:050:27:07

Sire, Anne has now been beheaded.

0:27:070:27:10

Oh, dear.

0:27:100:27:11

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

0:27:110:27:13

I suppose I should go and see the missus.

0:27:130:27:16

You're going to pay your respects to your late wife?

0:27:160:27:19

Oh, no, not her.

0:27:190:27:22

The new missus, Jane Seymour.

0:27:220:27:24

She's a real fox! Goodbye.

0:27:240:27:27

Oh, by the way, if the whole

0:27:270:27:29

Jane thing doesn't work out, do you fancy being Queen for a little bit?

0:27:290:27:33

Tempting... Back to you in the studio.

0:27:340:27:39

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

0:27:390:27:40

# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

0:27:400:27:42

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

0:27:420:27:45

Then play Horrible Histories' Terrible Treasures.

0:27:450:27:48

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

0:27:480:27:52

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