Episode 4 Horrible Histories


Episode 4

Historical sketch show. Britain's greatest sailor, Admiral Nelson, turns out to be horribly seasick, and the World War Two Girls sing about girl power on the Home Front.


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Transcript


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# Gorgeous Georgians, Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

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# Cavemen, savage Fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... #

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During the Georgian era, the British had a great Naval Commander,

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the legendary Lord Horatio Nelson.

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Wow! The Victory!

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Me, serving under Lord Nelson on his own flagship.

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I can't wait to meet Britain's greatest ever Naval hero!

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-He's coming now.

-Look out, I'm going to be sick!

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HE VOMITS

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Sorry, I suffer terribly from sea sickness.

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Ned Harris, Sir. It is a pleasure to serve aboard the Victory.

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Would you do me the honour of shaking my hand?

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Don't worry, happens all the time. Got a bullet in the arm,

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had it hacked off. Didn't see it coming, I had something in my eye.

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A piece of shrapnel. Can't see out of the blessed thing now.

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-How did you lose your legs, Sir?

-What?

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-Are your legs cut off at the knee?

-No, he really is that short.

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Oh dear, bit embarrassing.

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I'm a great admirer of all your work,

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the Battle of the Nile, the Battle of Copenhagen.

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HE VOMITS

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This is ridiculous. He's meant to be Britain's greatest Naval hero!

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He's half-blind, one-armed, and he gets seasick.

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-HE VOMITS

-He may not be much to look at,

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but he's a genius at sea battles and very popular with the men,

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even though he's a stickler for discipline.

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Sailor, have you seen the state of your shoes?

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I expect my men to be well turned-out.

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-But you just...

-Clean them. They're a disgrace.

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You can't get the sailors nowadays. 'Scuse me.

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HE VOMITS

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Lord Nelson wasn't just a Lord, he was a Viscount, a Duke, a Baron,

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the Commander-in-Chief of His Majesty's ships

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and a Knight of the Order of the Bath.

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I was almost Knighted by the Queen once.

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Well, she saw me in the kitchen and chucked her sword at me.

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There really were some unlikely Georgian heroes.

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Hello and welcome to the News At When.

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When? 1724, when a third of London's population

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turned out to see Britain's most famous criminal.

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To find out more, let's go over live to Jessica Harvey Smyth,

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who is soaking up the atmosphere.

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Thanks, Sam. As you can see, thousands of people have turned up

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just to catch a glimpse of their hero, Jack Sheppard,

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perhaps one of London's most glamorous criminals.

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He's escaped from prison not once, not twice, but four times.

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These people clearly love him for it.

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-Jack Sheppard is well lush.

-He's such a rebel and so daring!

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How long have you been a fan?

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Since his first escape. He was held at St Giles' Roundhouse

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and he broke out through the roof.

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He lowered himself down using bed sheets tied together. It was wicked.

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And I liked it when he escaped Newgate prison

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-dressed in ladies' clothes.

-That was awesome.

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-CHEERING

-Let's try to interview him.

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Jack! Jack! HHTV News. Can we have a few words?

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Of course you can. Nice to meet you.

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Oh! 300,000 Georgians have turned up to catch a glimpse of you, Jack.

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That's a quarter of London's population.

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Are you nervous?

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A few butterflies, it's not every day you're executed.

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When you say 'executed', I'm sure you're going to make an escape!

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You know me so well! I do have a trick up my sleeve, actually.

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It's a pen-knife. I'm going to...

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I'll have that. This way, sonny.

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I'll think of something!

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Jack Sheppard, there. Can't wait to see how he'll get out of this one.

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The crowd are going to go absolutely wild.

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Jack is getting onto the scaffold now.

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He's putting his head in the noose.

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I'm sure he's about to make his move any time now.

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The hangman is about to open the trapdoor.

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He should be escaping any second.

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BANG!

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Still, always nice to see a good public execution.

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A great day out for all the family.

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Ouch!

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Leg still causing you pain?

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No, I make these noises when I'm happy(!)

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The doctors are on their way. Today they're from the Middle Ages.

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-Terrific(!)

-I'm Doctor Usmar.

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He's an Arabian healer from the 1100s.

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-That's a nasty-looking abscess.

-No, it's fine. I'm feeling better.

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-It doesn't hurt?

-Ow! Just a tiny bit.

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This dressing prepared from healing herbs will reduce the swelling.

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Herbs? Leave it out. I don't... Actually, that feels soothing.

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-Thank you, doctor.

-My pleasure. Next patient.

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-Just this way.

-Wow! It really worked!

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Doctor Nutberg, here, Crusader doctor from the Middle Ages.

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What appears to be the problem?

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I've been seen by the Arabian healer.

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That primitive fool? Eugh. You need European Crusader medicine.

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-It feels a lot better.

-We must cut off this leg.

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-What?

-Bite down on this.

-Help!

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Amputation is a cure-all procedure for us European Crusaders.

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-What are you doing? Stop it!

-Doesn't that feel better already?

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Where's the next patient?

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-You are feeling light-headed?

-I've tried every treatment going.

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I don't think an Arabian cure from the Middle Ages will help.

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-We will see. Would you chew on this?

-What's this? A magic leaf?

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No, it's healthy food. Arabian healers have known for a long time

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that a healthy balanced diet can be beneficial in cases such as yours.

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Goodness, I feel better already!

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Stay on the diet and soon you will be well.

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So, poor female lady woman, what seems to be the problem?

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Don't worry, Doctor Nutberg, I have put her on a diet

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and she will be very well in no time at all.

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A diet? You crazy Arabian hippy!

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Us European doctors knows there is only one way to cure this condition.

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Bite down on this. We must remove the top of the patient's head

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and wash out the brain with salt.

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-Get off her!

-No!

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I banged my head.

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I feel a little light-headed.

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So, you feel a little light-headed.

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Well, then, perhaps we should apply one of your Crusader cures

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-and cut your head off.

-No, zat won't be necessary.

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-Perhaps we can try one of your nice Arabian herbal remedies.

-No!

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Bite down on this.

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HE LAUGHS

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Yes. European doctors thought they were better

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than Arab doctors in the Middle Ages, but they were wrong.

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But even Arabian medicine couldn't have done much to save this fella.

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

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Next!

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-And you are?

-Humphrey de Bohun, leader of the rebel army.

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How did you die? With great stupidity, I hope.

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I was leading a rebellion against King Edward II.

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-It was at the Battle of Boroughbridge.

-Not stupid enough.

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I was leading my troops across the bridge.

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-The enemy was defending it fiercely.

-Almost sensible.

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I decided to charge them head-on. I was killing everything in my path.

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Battling them to the right, fighting them to the left.

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Aaaah! You're losing me, pal.

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Suddenly, I felt a terrible agony in my, um, in my bottom.

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Ha-ha-ha! Oh, joy! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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An enemy soldier hid himself under the bridge

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and shoved a pike right in my bottom.

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Ha-ha-ha! Look, there it is! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Ooo! Hey. That must have been a real pain in the neck!

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Don't you mean pain in the backside?

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-That's what I said.

-No, you said pain in the neck.

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-I said pain in the backside.

-I think...

-I said...

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-I said pain in the backside.

-The moment is lost.

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-Whatever, pal!

-Right.

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-You're through to the Afterlife. Off you trot.

-Thank you.

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Hey. He got a real bum deal.

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I should've said that when he was in the room.

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Hey, you! You got a bum...! Oh, he's gone.

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Why do you always think of things too late?

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Never mind. Next!

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

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The answer is all three.

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Dressed in a red shirt and earrings,

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a drunk white llama would be sent into a temple

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to kick over pots of beer.

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And that's not the only bizarre Incan custom.

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And remember, these authentic Incan drums

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are made from genuine human skin,

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so you can go on beating your enemy all day long.

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And annoying your neighbour all night.

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And it won't cost you any money.

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That's because we Incans swap goods.

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Swapping what we don't need for what we do need.

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And now time for this hour's special item.

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It's the very latest in Inca technology. And here it is.

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An all-in-one wool grower, jewellery maker, fortune teller and barbecue.

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And there was me thinking it was just an ordinary llama.

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It is an ordinary llama, silly!

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But you'll be amazed at the things you can do with it.

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I know you can eat it,

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and I know you can sacrifice it for special occasions.

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Our priests get through hundreds of these at weddings.

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Sacrifices really are just the tip of the llama.

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For a start, you could use its wool to make clothes.

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I suppose that's what you call a llama pyjama!

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Or why not wear a llama on your armour

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with these authentic Incan bracelets

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made from llama toenail clippings.

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-Your arm smells really cheesy.

-Thank you.

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What else can you use a llama for?

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Believe it or not, llamas can help you tell the future.

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-No.

-Is there anything you'd like to know?

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Yes, there is actually. Do I just ask the llama?

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No, silly.

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You have to kill the llama, remove its lungs, and blow them up.

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Here's some I inflated earlier.

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The veins will help you reveal the answer to your question.

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Yes. It says yes!

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Hang on. You didn't tell me what the question was.

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Will you marry me?

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What? Give me those lungs.

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-That can't be right. Is that a yes?

-Definitely.

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-I guess we'll have to sacrifice a few more llamas.

-Shut up!

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We Incans really did use llamas for all those things,

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so we needed loads of them.

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Hi. I'm an Incan priest.

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I dress well, I work hard and I get through a lot of llamas.

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I sacrifice 100 llamas at the beginning of every month.

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I'm an Incan emperor and tomorrow,

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I go into battle with one of the jungle tribes.

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So I wondered if you'd do a sacrifice for me.

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Oh, boy! There goes another 1,000 llamas!

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As you can imagine,

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getting through llamas this fast means I soon run out.

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That's why I buy my llamas from a llama farmer.

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Honey, I think it's time we got married.

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Oh, no! An emperor's wedding.

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There goes another couple of thousand llamas.

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Shut up!

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SCARY MUSIC

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Greetings my groupies of gore.

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I am Vincenzo Laughoff

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and this week's scary story is from the Victorian times.

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The Cabinet of Mystery.

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The year was 1871. A date that crackles with creepiness.

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Florence Cook, a girl of exactly your age, providing you are 15,

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began to communicate with people from another world.

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The World of the Dead!

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-THUNDERCLAP

-Soon...

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The thunderclap needs to come when I say World of the Dead or not at all.

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Soon, her unique gift made Florence the toast of Victorian society

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and she would host creepy meetings in which she would summon up ghosts

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-and spirits.

-(WOO-OO-OOH)

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Yes, very much "woo-oo-ooh"!

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In these meetings, known as seances,

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Florence, dressed in a sombre black dress, would step inside

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a mysterious cabinet, just like this one.

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But much, much bigger.

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And a different shape.

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But she'd step inside this cabinet and be tied to a chair within.

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The door would be shut, the lights would be dimmed

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-and the seance would begin.

-THUNDERCLAP

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Much better.

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As Florence sat inside the cabinet, making contact with the spirit world

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a white ghostly figure would suddenly appear in the room.

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One day, in the middle of a seance, Sir George Sitwell,

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a noted aristocrat and politician, did the unthinkable.

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Ignoring the rules of the spirit world and with no regard for safety,

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he reached to grab the ghostly figure as she floated past.

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Would he find himself drawn back into the spirit world with her?

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Would the ghost turn and haunt her tormentor until his dying day?

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Neither! What he found in his hand was even more disturbing,

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an angry woman in her underwear...

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What?!

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The ghost was just a woman in her nightie,

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with a sheet on her head.

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When they opened the cabinet, Florence was missing.

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They turned the lights on and found the woman in her nightie

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was just Florence, so the ghost thing was a massive con.

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Right, what does this say? Scary Stories!

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Scary, not Pointless Stories! Not Annoying Stories.

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I don't want to do a show called Boring Stories!

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I did that for the other channel and it sunk like a stone!

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When I come back, I want another ghost story with a ghost in it!

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I'm going to the canteen. There'd better be cake!

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There were plenty of charlatans and con artists in Victorian times,

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even in the field of medicine. Good day.

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R-r-r-roll up, roll up. Do you have tummy trouble?

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Do you have a two-foot tapeworm in your stomach?

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What you need is this most excellent tapeworm trap.

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It's just like fishing, only the worms aren't the bait.

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They're the catch! I once caught a tapeworm this long!

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You simply load the food into the trap and hey presto, away we go.

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How about a demonstration?

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-You, sir, you look like you have a tapeworm.

-Well, yes. I does!

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Then simply open wide.

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In with the tapeworm trap, like so.

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CHOKING SOUNDS

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-He's dead!

-He's choked on your stupid trap!

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Yes, but now he's dead, he can't eat

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and without food, the tapeworm will die.

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-So the trap works.

-He's cured!

-Well, I'll take one.

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-Me, too!

-Excellent. Come.

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The answer is A.

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The hot potato would be tied to your head with a scarf

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so it stayed next to your ear.

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In Victorian times, people had some odd ideas

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about how to stay healthy.

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Greetings. Are you fed up with vile stinking Victorian water?

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Does it make you feel really sick? Urgh!

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Then why not try the new healthy alternative? Victorian Beer! Mmm!

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There! I feel better already!

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Here's Doctor John Snow to tell us more.

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Hello. I'm Doctor John Snow.

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I've proved that the Victorian water supply is full of germs

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and is spreading cholera throughout Britain.

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It's important nobody drinks the water until we clean up the supply.

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That's why Doctor John Snow drinks Victorian Beer.

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No, I don't touch the stuff.

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-I don't agree with it, on religious grounds.

-Really?

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Victorian beer, made with natural ingredients

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like barley, yeast and hops.

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And it's packed with vitamins.

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It tastes much healthier than water.

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It's not infected with all those nasty diseasy thingies.

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Can I have another one, please? SHE HICCUPS

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(SLURRING) Work hard, play hard, drink hard and fall over!

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'Warning, beer contains alcohol,

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'which will impair your ability to speak or even stand up.'

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That's not true...

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'And can also be fatal if you drink too much.'

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I love you, man.

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HE SNORES

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Welcome back to HHTV Sport,

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today bringing you exclusive live sporting events

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from the time of the Greek Legends.

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We're at the Trojan Wars for the Big Fight,

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Paris, Prince of Troy, versus Greek leader Menelaus.

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Let's join our commentary team.

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You join me outside the Walls of Troy.

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I'm here with the challenger. You seem relaxed, Menelaus.

0:19:470:19:51

-Are you confident about today?

-I is gonna reign supreme, innit!

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-How can you be so confident?

-I ain't doin' the fightin'.

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My man Achilles 'ere, he's immortal! Wicked, innit!

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-Don't you think there could be an upset?

-You ain't listenin'.

0:20:020:20:05

Achilles was made immortal when his mum dunked him

0:20:050:20:09

in the River of the Dead. he cannot be killed!

0:20:090:20:13

-Boss, I'm not completely immortal.

-Sshh!

0:20:130:20:15

Mum was holding me by the heel when she dunked me.

0:20:150:20:18

-That bit's not as immortal.

-You just told the man from the telly!

0:20:180:20:23

So there you have it. Enormous confidence from the Greeks.

0:20:230:20:26

Let's see how things are looking behind the Walls of Troy, Gary.

0:20:260:20:30

-Cheers, John. So, Paris, looking forward?

-No way. I is scared.

0:20:300:20:35

He is immortal. You do it, man! I is so scared. You do it!

0:20:350:20:39

For goodness' sake!

0:20:390:20:40

So, looks like his warrior brother Hector will stand in for him.

0:20:400:20:45

So it's Hector, the Boy from Troy,

0:20:450:20:48

versus the gods' favourite, the Immortal Achilles, the Greek Hero.

0:20:480:20:52

-Who do you think will win?

-Achilles, he's immortal.

-Fair enough.

0:20:520:20:57

And the big fight is up.

0:20:570:20:58

Hector's running away with Achilles in pursuit.

0:21:010:21:04

That's once round the city... Twice!

0:21:040:21:08

Three times round the city, Gary!

0:21:080:21:10

Great attack from Hector, but kind of pointless

0:21:100:21:13

because Achilles is, of course, immortal.

0:21:130:21:16

Oh, and clearly Hector isn't. Yeah, it's game over.

0:21:170:21:21

Menelaus clearly thrilled with the result. Ooh, but what's this?

0:21:210:21:26

Paris is up on the ramparts with a bow and arrow. He shoots, he scores!

0:21:260:21:29

Oh, and that's a fantastic shot from Paris!

0:21:300:21:34

Who'd have thought that Achilles' Achilles heel would be his heel?

0:21:340:21:38

-Kind of obvious when you think about it.

-Back to the studio.

0:21:380:21:42

We get the expression your "Achilles heel"

0:21:420:21:45

from the story of Troy.

0:21:450:21:47

It means however strong you are, you've always got a weak spot.

0:21:470:21:51

Even elephants have an Achilles heel, as the Greeks found out.

0:21:510:21:56

In ancient times, King Pyrrhus of Greece

0:22:000:22:03

went to battle with the Romans and brought with him a secret weapon,

0:22:030:22:07

elephants.

0:22:070:22:09

Elephants, charge!

0:22:090:22:10

Greek war elephants were brilliant.

0:22:120:22:14

Once they started charging, they didn't stop

0:22:140:22:18

and trampled anything in their way, particularly enemy troops.

0:22:180:22:22

It was brilliant

0:22:240:22:25

but unfortunately, there was one small problem.

0:22:250:22:29

Elephants are scared of fire and pigs.

0:22:290:22:33

So the Romans set fire to some pigs.

0:22:330:22:37

And sent them charging at the charging elephants...

0:22:370:22:40

PIG SQUEALS AND ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

0:22:400:22:42

..making King Pyrrhus really wish

0:22:470:22:49

he'd left his secret weapon at home.

0:22:510:22:53

The Prime Minister during World War II was Winston Churchill.

0:23:000:23:05

He was an inspirational leader who liked to work very hard indeed.

0:23:050:23:09

So, that is the plan for the D Day landings.

0:23:110:23:16

Grand in scale, audacious in nature.

0:23:160:23:21

-What say you, Gen...?

-SNORING

0:23:210:23:23

-General!

-What?

0:23:230:23:25

Where? Man the guns!

0:23:250:23:27

General, have you been listening to a word I've been saying?

0:23:270:23:32

I'm sorry, Prime Minister, no.

0:23:320:23:34

Well, at least Pamela would have gotten it down.

0:23:340:23:38

-SHE SNORES

-Pamela!

0:23:380:23:40

Sorry, Prime Minister. I must have dropped off for a minute.

0:23:400:23:45

I was just telling the General...

0:23:450:23:47

General!

0:23:470:23:50

I'm sorry, PM. It's just we've been up gone four every night this week.

0:23:500:23:54

Some of us need to sleep. We can't all work the hours you do.

0:23:540:23:58

How can we sleep when we need to plan the D Day landings,

0:23:580:24:02

the greatest single day water borne invasion of all time?

0:24:020:24:06

But you never stop, sir.

0:24:060:24:08

You even take work with you into the toilet. How do you keep it up?

0:24:080:24:13

Cigars and champagne, my boy.

0:24:130:24:15

-Can I borrow a couple of matches?

-Be my guest, Pamela.

0:24:150:24:19

Here, try some champers. Should wake you up a bit.

0:24:200:24:24

Thank you, sir. Cheers.

0:24:240:24:27

So, D Day.

0:24:290:24:31

A fleet of 5,000 vessels

0:24:310:24:34

will transport 160,000 troops,

0:24:340:24:37

landing across a 50-mile stretch

0:24:370:24:40

of the Normandy coastline.

0:24:400:24:41

There we will begin the long, hard push to Berlin,

0:24:410:24:46

Hitler,

0:24:460:24:48

and victory.

0:24:480:24:50

SNORING

0:24:510:24:53

BANG!

0:24:570:24:59

With all due respect, sir, that's not funny. There's a war on.

0:24:590:25:02

Very well. Maybe it is time I went to bed.

0:25:020:25:05

-Oh...

-At last.

0:25:060:25:08

But don't worry, I've had a desk specially made to fit over it,

0:25:080:25:12

so we can continue this meeting in our jim-jams!

0:25:120:25:16

General, bring the map.

0:25:160:25:19

Just 40 winks. I really must get my head down.

0:25:200:25:25

I won't be long, just...

0:25:250:25:27

SNORING

0:25:270:25:29

I'm awake, I'm awake!

0:25:320:25:34

It's true. Churchill really did have a desk built to fit over his bed,

0:25:340:25:38

so he could carry on working at night.

0:25:380:25:41

Churchill inspired everyone to get behind the war effort

0:25:410:25:44

and women's lives changed forever.

0:25:440:25:47

# We're girlies from the '30s

0:25:520:25:55

# Wash the dishes, scrub the floor

0:25:550:25:57

# When all of a sudden

0:25:570:26:00

# Our hubbies went to war

0:26:000:26:03

# Did you think we'd shrink

0:26:030:26:05

# In England's needy hour?

0:26:050:26:07

# You what?

0:26:070:26:09

# Course not!

0:26:090:26:10

# Cos we got girl power

0:26:100:26:13

# Our men are fighting World War II

0:26:130:26:16

# We're not going to boo-hoo-hoo

0:26:160:26:18

# It's our World War II, too, girls

0:26:180:26:20

# Plenty we can do, girls

0:26:200:26:23

# We're the World War II girls

0:26:230:26:25

# Our war begins right here

0:26:250:26:27

# I make weapons in the factory

0:26:310:26:34

# Drill and bolt and screw

0:26:340:26:36

# With rules so strict they even time me when you're on the loo

0:26:360:26:42

# Making bombs and bullets

0:26:420:26:44

# Means I'm always mucky

0:26:440:26:47

# I put my name down for a bath I'll get one if I'm lucky!

0:26:470:26:52

# There is no job that we can't do

0:26:520:26:54

# It wasn't long till our roles grew

0:26:540:26:57

# Your country needs you, girls

0:26:570:27:00

# Army, Navy, too, girls

0:27:000:27:02

# We're the World War II girls

0:27:020:27:04

# This is our career

0:27:040:27:07

# I'm a plane fixing, plain speaking

0:27:080:27:10

# Photo taking, code breaking Air Force Miss

0:27:100:27:13

# Radar manning, lorry driving, weather guessing, foreign spying

0:27:130:27:17

# I do all this

0:27:170:27:18

# I took the role of Land Girl

0:27:180:27:21

# While our men fight far away

0:27:210:27:23

# Farming on the home front

0:27:230:27:26

# Helping save the day

0:27:260:27:28

# Tending crops and animals

0:27:280:27:31

# Manual labour hurts

0:27:310:27:33

# In the field, my uniform's this scratchy tie and shirt

0:27:330:27:38

# When World War II is over, though

0:27:380:27:41

# We'll be proud cos we will know

0:27:410:27:44

# Thanks to us, it's true, girls

0:27:440:27:46

# Came to the rescue, girls

0:27:460:27:49

# We're the World War II girls

0:27:490:27:51

# Original girl power. #

0:27:510:27:53

# Tall Tales, Atrocious Acts, We gave you the Fearsome Facts... #

0:27:540:27:58

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

0:27:580:28:01

Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.

0:28:010:28:04

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

0:28:040:28:07

# Hope you enjoyed

0:28:070:28:09

# Horrible Histories. #

0:28:090:28:12

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:120:28:14

Britain's greatest sailor, Admiral Nelson, turns out to be horribly seasick, and two doctors from the Middle Ages argue over how to treat a patient. Plus, discover the many uses for an Incan llama, and the World War Two Girls sing about girl power on the Home Front.


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