Episode 4 Horrible Histories

# Gorgeous Georgians, Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage Fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... #

During the Georgian era, the British had a great Naval Commander,

the legendary Lord Horatio Nelson.

Wow! The Victory!

Me, serving under Lord Nelson on his own flagship.

I can't wait to meet Britain's greatest ever Naval hero!

-He's coming now.

-Look out, I'm going to be sick!

HE VOMITS

Sorry, I suffer terribly from sea sickness.

Ned Harris, Sir. It is a pleasure to serve aboard the Victory.

Would you do me the honour of shaking my hand?

Don't worry, happens all the time. Got a bullet in the arm,

had it hacked off. Didn't see it coming, I had something in my eye.

A piece of shrapnel. Can't see out of the blessed thing now.

-How did you lose your legs, Sir?

-What?

-Are your legs cut off at the knee?

-No, he really is that short.

Oh dear, bit embarrassing.

I'm a great admirer of all your work,

the Battle of the Nile, the Battle of Copenhagen.

HE VOMITS

This is ridiculous. He's meant to be Britain's greatest Naval hero!

He's half-blind, one-armed, and he gets seasick.

-HE VOMITS

-He may not be much to look at,

but he's a genius at sea battles and very popular with the men,

even though he's a stickler for discipline.

Sailor, have you seen the state of your shoes?

I expect my men to be well turned-out.

-But you just...

-Clean them. They're a disgrace.

You can't get the sailors nowadays. 'Scuse me.

HE VOMITS

Lord Nelson wasn't just a Lord, he was a Viscount, a Duke, a Baron,

the Commander-in-Chief of His Majesty's ships

and a Knight of the Order of the Bath.

I was almost Knighted by the Queen once.

Well, she saw me in the kitchen and chucked her sword at me.

There really were some unlikely Georgian heroes.

Hello and welcome to the News At When.

When? 1724, when a third of London's population

turned out to see Britain's most famous criminal.

To find out more, let's go over live to Jessica Harvey Smyth,

who is soaking up the atmosphere.

Thanks, Sam. As you can see, thousands of people have turned up

just to catch a glimpse of their hero, Jack Sheppard,

perhaps one of London's most glamorous criminals.

He's escaped from prison not once, not twice, but four times.

These people clearly love him for it.

-Jack Sheppard is well lush.

-He's such a rebel and so daring!

How long have you been a fan?

Since his first escape. He was held at St Giles' Roundhouse

and he broke out through the roof.

He lowered himself down using bed sheets tied together. It was wicked.

And I liked it when he escaped Newgate prison

-dressed in ladies' clothes.

-That was awesome.

-CHEERING

-Let's try to interview him.

Jack! Jack! HHTV News. Can we have a few words?

Of course you can. Nice to meet you.

Oh! 300,000 Georgians have turned up to catch a glimpse of you, Jack.

That's a quarter of London's population.

Are you nervous?

A few butterflies, it's not every day you're executed.

When you say 'executed', I'm sure you're going to make an escape!

You know me so well! I do have a trick up my sleeve, actually.

It's a pen-knife. I'm going to...

I'll have that. This way, sonny.

I'll think of something!

Jack Sheppard, there. Can't wait to see how he'll get out of this one.

The crowd are going to go absolutely wild.

Jack is getting onto the scaffold now.

He's putting his head in the noose.

I'm sure he's about to make his move any time now.

The hangman is about to open the trapdoor.

He should be escaping any second.

BANG!

Still, always nice to see a good public execution.

A great day out for all the family.

Ouch!

Leg still causing you pain?

No, I make these noises when I'm happy(!)

The doctors are on their way. Today they're from the Middle Ages.

-Terrific(!)

-I'm Doctor Usmar.

He's an Arabian healer from the 1100s.

-That's a nasty-looking abscess.

-No, it's fine. I'm feeling better.

-It doesn't hurt?

-Ow! Just a tiny bit.

This dressing prepared from healing herbs will reduce the swelling.

Herbs? Leave it out. I don't... Actually, that feels soothing.

-Thank you, doctor.

-My pleasure. Next patient.

-Just this way.

-Wow! It really worked!

Doctor Nutberg, here, Crusader doctor from the Middle Ages.

What appears to be the problem?

I've been seen by the Arabian healer.

That primitive fool? Eugh. You need European Crusader medicine.

-It feels a lot better.

-We must cut off this leg.

-What?

-Bite down on this.

-Help!

Amputation is a cure-all procedure for us European Crusaders.

-What are you doing? Stop it!

-Doesn't that feel better already?

Where's the next patient?

-You are feeling light-headed?

-I've tried every treatment going.

I don't think an Arabian cure from the Middle Ages will help.

-We will see. Would you chew on this?

-What's this? A magic leaf?

No, it's healthy food. Arabian healers have known for a long time

that a healthy balanced diet can be beneficial in cases such as yours.

Goodness, I feel better already!

Stay on the diet and soon you will be well.

So, poor female lady woman, what seems to be the problem?

Don't worry, Doctor Nutberg, I have put her on a diet

and she will be very well in no time at all.

A diet? You crazy Arabian hippy!

Us European doctors knows there is only one way to cure this condition.

Bite down on this. We must remove the top of the patient's head

and wash out the brain with salt.

-Get off her!

-No!

I banged my head.

I feel a little light-headed.

So, you feel a little light-headed.

Well, then, perhaps we should apply one of your Crusader cures

-and cut your head off.

-No, zat won't be necessary.

-Perhaps we can try one of your nice Arabian herbal remedies.

-No!

Bite down on this.

HE LAUGHS

Yes. European doctors thought they were better

than Arab doctors in the Middle Ages, but they were wrong.

But even Arabian medicine couldn't have done much to save this fella.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

Next!

-And you are?

-Humphrey de Bohun, leader of the rebel army.

How did you die? With great stupidity, I hope.

I was leading a rebellion against King Edward II.

-It was at the Battle of Boroughbridge.

-Not stupid enough.

I was leading my troops across the bridge.

-The enemy was defending it fiercely.

-Almost sensible.

I decided to charge them head-on. I was killing everything in my path.

Battling them to the right, fighting them to the left.

Aaaah! You're losing me, pal.

Suddenly, I felt a terrible agony in my, um, in my bottom.

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, joy! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

An enemy soldier hid himself under the bridge

and shoved a pike right in my bottom.

Ha-ha-ha! Look, there it is! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ooo! Hey. That must have been a real pain in the neck!

Don't you mean pain in the backside?

-That's what I said.

-No, you said pain in the neck.

-I said pain in the backside.

-I think...

-I said...

-I said pain in the backside.

-The moment is lost.

-Whatever, pal!

-Right.

-You're through to the Afterlife. Off you trot.

-Thank you.

Hey. He got a real bum deal.

I should've said that when he was in the room.

Hey, you! You got a bum...! Oh, he's gone.

Why do you always think of things too late?

Never mind. Next!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

The answer is all three.

Dressed in a red shirt and earrings,

a drunk white llama would be sent into a temple

to kick over pots of beer.

And that's not the only bizarre Incan custom.

And remember, these authentic Incan drums

are made from genuine human skin,

so you can go on beating your enemy all day long.

And annoying your neighbour all night.

And it won't cost you any money.

That's because we Incans swap goods.

Swapping what we don't need for what we do need.

And now time for this hour's special item.

It's the very latest in Inca technology. And here it is.

An all-in-one wool grower, jewellery maker, fortune teller and barbecue.

And there was me thinking it was just an ordinary llama.

It is an ordinary llama, silly!

But you'll be amazed at the things you can do with it.

I know you can eat it,

and I know you can sacrifice it for special occasions.

Our priests get through hundreds of these at weddings.

Sacrifices really are just the tip of the llama.

For a start, you could use its wool to make clothes.

I suppose that's what you call a llama pyjama!

Or why not wear a llama on your armour

with these authentic Incan bracelets

made from llama toenail clippings.

-Your arm smells really cheesy.

-Thank you.

What else can you use a llama for?

Believe it or not, llamas can help you tell the future.

-No.

-Is there anything you'd like to know?

Yes, there is actually. Do I just ask the llama?

No, silly.

You have to kill the llama, remove its lungs, and blow them up.

Here's some I inflated earlier.

The veins will help you reveal the answer to your question.

Yes. It says yes!

Hang on. You didn't tell me what the question was.

Will you marry me?

What? Give me those lungs.

-That can't be right. Is that a yes?

-Definitely.

-I guess we'll have to sacrifice a few more llamas.

-Shut up!

We Incans really did use llamas for all those things,

so we needed loads of them.

Hi. I'm an Incan priest.

I dress well, I work hard and I get through a lot of llamas.

I sacrifice 100 llamas at the beginning of every month.

I'm an Incan emperor and tomorrow,

I go into battle with one of the jungle tribes.

So I wondered if you'd do a sacrifice for me.

Oh, boy! There goes another 1,000 llamas!

As you can imagine,

getting through llamas this fast means I soon run out.

That's why I buy my llamas from a llama farmer.

Honey, I think it's time we got married.

Oh, no! An emperor's wedding.

There goes another couple of thousand llamas.

Shut up!

SCARY MUSIC

Greetings my groupies of gore.

I am Vincenzo Laughoff

and this week's scary story is from the Victorian times.

The Cabinet of Mystery.

The year was 1871. A date that crackles with creepiness.

Florence Cook, a girl of exactly your age, providing you are 15,

began to communicate with people from another world.

The World of the Dead!

-THUNDERCLAP

-Soon...

The thunderclap needs to come when I say World of the Dead or not at all.

Soon, her unique gift made Florence the toast of Victorian society

and she would host creepy meetings in which she would summon up ghosts

-and spirits.

-(WOO-OO-OOH)

Yes, very much "woo-oo-ooh"!

In these meetings, known as seances,

Florence, dressed in a sombre black dress, would step inside

a mysterious cabinet, just like this one.

But much, much bigger.

And a different shape.

But she'd step inside this cabinet and be tied to a chair within.

The door would be shut, the lights would be dimmed

-and the seance would begin.

-THUNDERCLAP

Much better.

As Florence sat inside the cabinet, making contact with the spirit world

a white ghostly figure would suddenly appear in the room.

One day, in the middle of a seance, Sir George Sitwell,

a noted aristocrat and politician, did the unthinkable.

Ignoring the rules of the spirit world and with no regard for safety,

he reached to grab the ghostly figure as she floated past.

Would he find himself drawn back into the spirit world with her?

Would the ghost turn and haunt her tormentor until his dying day?

Neither! What he found in his hand was even more disturbing,

an angry woman in her underwear...

What?!

The ghost was just a woman in her nightie,

with a sheet on her head.

When they opened the cabinet, Florence was missing.

They turned the lights on and found the woman in her nightie

was just Florence, so the ghost thing was a massive con.

Right, what does this say? Scary Stories!

Scary, not Pointless Stories! Not Annoying Stories.

I don't want to do a show called Boring Stories!

I did that for the other channel and it sunk like a stone!

When I come back, I want another ghost story with a ghost in it!

I'm going to the canteen. There'd better be cake!

There were plenty of charlatans and con artists in Victorian times,

even in the field of medicine. Good day.

R-r-r-roll up, roll up. Do you have tummy trouble?

Do you have a two-foot tapeworm in your stomach?

What you need is this most excellent tapeworm trap.

It's just like fishing, only the worms aren't the bait.

They're the catch! I once caught a tapeworm this long!

You simply load the food into the trap and hey presto, away we go.

How about a demonstration?

-You, sir, you look like you have a tapeworm.

-Well, yes. I does!

Then simply open wide.

In with the tapeworm trap, like so.

CHOKING SOUNDS

-He's dead!

-He's choked on your stupid trap!

Yes, but now he's dead, he can't eat

and without food, the tapeworm will die.

-So the trap works.

-He's cured!

-Well, I'll take one.

-Me, too!

-Excellent. Come.

The answer is A.

The hot potato would be tied to your head with a scarf

so it stayed next to your ear.

In Victorian times, people had some odd ideas

about how to stay healthy.

Greetings. Are you fed up with vile stinking Victorian water?

Does it make you feel really sick? Urgh!

Then why not try the new healthy alternative? Victorian Beer! Mmm!

There! I feel better already!

Here's Doctor John Snow to tell us more.

Hello. I'm Doctor John Snow.

I've proved that the Victorian water supply is full of germs

and is spreading cholera throughout Britain.

It's important nobody drinks the water until we clean up the supply.

That's why Doctor John Snow drinks Victorian Beer.

No, I don't touch the stuff.

-I don't agree with it, on religious grounds.

-Really?

Victorian beer, made with natural ingredients

like barley, yeast and hops.

And it's packed with vitamins.

It tastes much healthier than water.

It's not infected with all those nasty diseasy thingies.

Can I have another one, please? SHE HICCUPS

(SLURRING) Work hard, play hard, drink hard and fall over!

'Warning, beer contains alcohol,

'which will impair your ability to speak or even stand up.'

That's not true...

'And can also be fatal if you drink too much.'

I love you, man.

HE SNORES

Welcome back to HHTV Sport,

today bringing you exclusive live sporting events

from the time of the Greek Legends.

We're at the Trojan Wars for the Big Fight,

Paris, Prince of Troy, versus Greek leader Menelaus.

Let's join our commentary team.

You join me outside the Walls of Troy.

I'm here with the challenger. You seem relaxed, Menelaus.

-Are you confident about today?

-I is gonna reign supreme, innit!

-How can you be so confident?

-I ain't doin' the fightin'.

My man Achilles 'ere, he's immortal! Wicked, innit!

-Don't you think there could be an upset?

-You ain't listenin'.

Achilles was made immortal when his mum dunked him

in the River of the Dead. he cannot be killed!

-Boss, I'm not completely immortal.

-Sshh!

Mum was holding me by the heel when she dunked me.

-That bit's not as immortal.

-You just told the man from the telly!

So there you have it. Enormous confidence from the Greeks.

Let's see how things are looking behind the Walls of Troy, Gary.

-Cheers, John. So, Paris, looking forward?

-No way. I is scared.

He is immortal. You do it, man! I is so scared. You do it!

For goodness' sake!

So, looks like his warrior brother Hector will stand in for him.

So it's Hector, the Boy from Troy,

versus the gods' favourite, the Immortal Achilles, the Greek Hero.

-Who do you think will win?

-Achilles, he's immortal.

-Fair enough.

And the big fight is up.

Hector's running away with Achilles in pursuit.

That's once round the city... Twice!

Three times round the city, Gary!

Great attack from Hector, but kind of pointless

because Achilles is, of course, immortal.

Oh, and clearly Hector isn't. Yeah, it's game over.

Menelaus clearly thrilled with the result. Ooh, but what's this?

Paris is up on the ramparts with a bow and arrow. He shoots, he scores!

Oh, and that's a fantastic shot from Paris!

Who'd have thought that Achilles' Achilles heel would be his heel?

-Kind of obvious when you think about it.

-Back to the studio.

We get the expression your "Achilles heel"

from the story of Troy.

It means however strong you are, you've always got a weak spot.

Even elephants have an Achilles heel, as the Greeks found out.

In ancient times, King Pyrrhus of Greece

went to battle with the Romans and brought with him a secret weapon,

elephants.

Elephants, charge!

Greek war elephants were brilliant.

Once they started charging, they didn't stop

and trampled anything in their way, particularly enemy troops.

It was brilliant

but unfortunately, there was one small problem.

Elephants are scared of fire and pigs.

So the Romans set fire to some pigs.

And sent them charging at the charging elephants...

PIG SQUEALS AND ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

..making King Pyrrhus really wish

he'd left his secret weapon at home.

The Prime Minister during World War II was Winston Churchill.

He was an inspirational leader who liked to work very hard indeed.

So, that is the plan for the D Day landings.

Grand in scale, audacious in nature.

-What say you, Gen...?

-SNORING

-General!

-What?

Where? Man the guns!

General, have you been listening to a word I've been saying?

I'm sorry, Prime Minister, no.

Well, at least Pamela would have gotten it down.

-SHE SNORES

-Pamela!

Sorry, Prime Minister. I must have dropped off for a minute.

I was just telling the General...

General!

I'm sorry, PM. It's just we've been up gone four every night this week.

Some of us need to sleep. We can't all work the hours you do.

How can we sleep when we need to plan the D Day landings,

the greatest single day water borne invasion of all time?

But you never stop, sir.

You even take work with you into the toilet. How do you keep it up?

Cigars and champagne, my boy.

-Can I borrow a couple of matches?

-Be my guest, Pamela.

Here, try some champers. Should wake you up a bit.

Thank you, sir. Cheers.

So, D Day.

A fleet of 5,000 vessels

will transport 160,000 troops,

landing across a 50-mile stretch

of the Normandy coastline.

There we will begin the long, hard push to Berlin,

Hitler,

and victory.

SNORING

BANG!

With all due respect, sir, that's not funny. There's a war on.

Very well. Maybe it is time I went to bed.

-Oh...

-At last.

But don't worry, I've had a desk specially made to fit over it,

so we can continue this meeting in our jim-jams!

General, bring the map.

Just 40 winks. I really must get my head down.

I won't be long, just...

SNORING

I'm awake, I'm awake!

It's true. Churchill really did have a desk built to fit over his bed,

so he could carry on working at night.

Churchill inspired everyone to get behind the war effort

and women's lives changed forever.

# We're girlies from the '30s

# Wash the dishes, scrub the floor

# When all of a sudden

# Our hubbies went to war

# Did you think we'd shrink

# In England's needy hour?

# You what?

# Course not!

# Cos we got girl power

# Our men are fighting World War II

# We're not going to boo-hoo-hoo

# It's our World War II, too, girls

# Plenty we can do, girls

# We're the World War II girls

# Our war begins right here

# I make weapons in the factory

# Drill and bolt and screw

# With rules so strict they even time me when you're on the loo

# Making bombs and bullets

# Means I'm always mucky

# I put my name down for a bath I'll get one if I'm lucky!

# There is no job that we can't do

# It wasn't long till our roles grew

# Your country needs you, girls

# Army, Navy, too, girls

# We're the World War II girls

# This is our career

# I'm a plane fixing, plain speaking

# Photo taking, code breaking Air Force Miss

# Radar manning, lorry driving, weather guessing, foreign spying

# I do all this

# I took the role of Land Girl

# While our men fight far away

# Farming on the home front

# Helping save the day

# Tending crops and animals

# Manual labour hurts

# In the field, my uniform's this scratchy tie and shirt

# When World War II is over, though

# We'll be proud cos we will know

# Thanks to us, it's true, girls

# Came to the rescue, girls

# We're the World War II girls

# Original girl power. #

# Tall Tales, Atrocious Acts, We gave you the Fearsome Facts... #

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd