Episode 5 Horrible Histories


Episode 5

An Incan kid has the worst birthday ever, a Roman farmer meets a door-to-door poo salesman, and King George IV embarks on a solo musical career.


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Transcript


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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Pirates terrorised the world's seas, stealing treasure.

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But it wasn't always the obvious stuff that was precious.

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Alright, lads. Time to open the treasure chest.

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This is brilliant! First attack of the enemy ship and first treasure.

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I dunno about you guys, I love being a pirate. Whoo!

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-Aaar!

-Aaar!

-Aaar!

-Aaar! Yeah!

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Let's take a look see at this here treasure.

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Um,... bit of a new-boy question. Shouldn't there be treasure in there?

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This piece of paper is the treasure, my lad.

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'Tis a map showing all the trade routes.

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Using this map, we lies in wait

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for ships laden with silks from the Far East

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or sugar from the Caribbean.

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Then we ambushes them, kills them

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and steals their precious cargo.

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ALL: Aaar!

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So, er, the map is the treasure?

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Aaar! Priceless, it be.

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I am right in saying that us pirates divide all the treasure up equally?

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-Yes, that's the pirate rule.

-I want my share.

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ALL ARGUE

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Oh, that is low, even for a pirate!

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-Man over board!

-Who?

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Me. I've absolutely had it.

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He is, er, he is under a lot of pressure.

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That's right. Maps were very valuable.

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In fact, we pirates stole all sorts of surprising stuff.

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Welcome to The Pirate Shopping Channel.

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I'm Black Bart and this 'ere be Cutlass Liz.

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Today, we'll be selling all the booty we stole on the high seas.

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Starting with some fine clothes.

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All of our prices have been slashed.

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And so have many of the clothes.

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Well, we did have to kill the owners first.

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And we liked some of their fine clothes so much

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that we're actually wearing them now. Bootiful, aren't they?

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Oh. I think your parrot may have pooped on your shoulder.

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-Have I got it all?

-Near enough.

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And it's not just bootiful clothes.

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If it's jewellery you're after, we've got wonderful rings.

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Yes, we do, Bart. Together with the fingers they came on.

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Obviously, we pirates are always in a bit of a hurry.

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If the ring won't come off the finger easy, we chopped off the finger.

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If they've got lots of rings, best chop off the whole hand.

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Sorry. What was that?

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I didn't ear you.

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-HE LAUGHS

-Nice one, Liz.

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Yes, we've got earrings, too.

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We've actually got something even more precious.

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-We've got some sugar.

-Sugar?

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Freshly-stolen from an English cargo ship in the Caribbean.

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Wow! That really is precious.

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What have you got there, Liz?

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Well, this be a five-barrel pistol.

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And with that many barrels, you really have to hit something.

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-How much does that retail for, Liz?

-This isn't for sale.

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Hands up!

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-All of them!

-I thought we were partners.

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Well, what d'you expect? I'm still a pirate. Give me that sugar!

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-And the rings and the earrings.

-Take them.

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D'you want my jacket, too?

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Nah. It's covered in poo.

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You won't be wanting the trousers either, then.

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It's true. In the 1700s, sugar was worth more than gold.

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I'm rich, I tell ya. I'm rich! Har-har-har!

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We Incas ruled Peru for centuries until the 1500s.

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And we certainly had some unusual customs.

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New from Ancient Peru,

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it's the brand-new album, Live Like An Inca,

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from the Incan Family Players, featuring the chartbuster -

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# Someone's sacrificed my llama

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# Someone's cut it in two

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# Someone's sacrificed my llama

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# Hey, that's what Incas do. #

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And the unforgettable -

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# My beer is made from human spit

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# Would you like to try a bit?

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# Guaranteed to revive ya

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# Cheers! Make mine a pint of saliva #

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And their number-one smash -

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# Oh, the priest just ripped out my heart

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# And threw it down the pyramid steps. #

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With Mum on vocals, Dad on flute and Little Capach on drums.

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Also featuring Grandpa as the flute. Yes, it's made out of his shinbone.

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And Grandma as the drums. That's right, they're made from her skin.

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No, that's true. The Incas really did use human bones for flutes

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and human skin for drums.

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Imagine being turned into a musical instrument.

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Actually, I already am one, after a plate of baked beans!

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-PARP!

-Perfect pitch!

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Yes. Inca families had some pretty unusual customs.

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-Oh! Happy birthday!

-Thanks, Mum.

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Aw! You're a teenager now, so we've got you a special present.

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-Ta-da!

-My own llama! Wow! Thanks!

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-And we also got you this.

-A club.

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-For fighting enemies?

-Oh, no. For killing the llama.

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-But I only just got it.

-All boys your age have to do it.

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If you want to become a man, you have to kill a llama first.

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-OK.

-But then I'll roast the llama for you.

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I guess that's something. A nice slap-up birthday supper.

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Oh, no, no, no. You don't get to eat the llama.

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You have to offer it to the Sun God.

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Great. I have to kill my present and then give it to someone else?

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I can't believe I was looking forward to today.

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Oh! Well, let's put you in your brand-new clothes.

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New clothes? Sweet!

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-It's a massive nappy.

-What?!

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Put it on.

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And I'll come round here and pierce your ears for you.

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-Ow!

-Come on. All Incan boys need their ears pierced.

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There you are. You're a proper Incan man now, son.

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Well, happy birthday.

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D'you know, sometimes I worry we spoil him too much.

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I dunno what we're gonna get him next year.

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The Egyptian Pharaohs were mummified, like me,

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and buried with lots and lots of treasure.

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So much treasure that many centuries later,

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archaeologists flocked to Egypt to try and find their tombs.

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New to based-on-reality computer games comes -

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The Real Tomb Raider.

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Yes. Discover Egyptian tombs as they were really discovered.

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COMPUTERISED VOICE: Select your real tomb raider.

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Not real. Select again.

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Not real. Select again.

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You have selected Lord George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert,

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the 5th Earl of Caernarfon.

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A genuine archaeologist.

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Real Tomb Raider features all the tools that were really used.

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Select tool. Not real. Select again.

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Not real. Select again.

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You have selected a small brush.

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OK, Real Tomb Raiders, we're off.

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Using all your skills, guide your adventurer to scrape through sand

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and... Oh, brush the dust off some disappointing bits of old pottery.

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Or perhaps you'll discover a whole new tomb,

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although it might take a while.

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About 20 years, probably.

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With no zombies, no mummies coming back to life.

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In fact, no monsters at all.

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The Real Tomb Raider.

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Not much fun, but it's what it was really like.

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Horrible. But not as horrible as the curse said to be put on his tomb.

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Greetings, fear fans.

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I am Vincenzo Laughoff.

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And this week's scary story

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is The Curse of Tutankhamun.

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It was 1922, a particularly ghoulish year,

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when an archaeologist named Howard Carter

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discovered the tomb of Tutankhamun, the Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh.

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As the dastardly digger crept inside the tomb,

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he found not only the King's great treasures,

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but there, in the burial chamber, trapped within a golden sarcophagus,

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the Ancient Pharaoh's mummy.

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THUNDERCLAP

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As we all know, nothing is more frightening than Mummy.

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'Go and tidy your room!'

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On the wall above the dead king's body was written a curse -

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'Death shalt come on swift wings

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'to him who disturbs the peace of the King.'

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WHOO-WHOO-WHOO!

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Yes. Whoo-whoo-whoo indeed.

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The curse was quick to bite.

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Within a year, the man who'd paid for the dig, Lord Caernarfon,

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dropped down dead!

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EERIE SCREAMS

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As he did, all the lights in Cairo, the Egyptian capital, went out.

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That exact same moment,

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back home in England, his dog howled in the moonlight.

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HOWLING

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The curse of Tutankhamun had struck.

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But what would become of the man who first broke into the mummy's tomb?

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What fate would befall Howard Carter himself?

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He died... years later

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of completely natural causes.

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A-hem!

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It turned out that Lord Caernarfon

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died from an infected mosquito bite.

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The lights in Cairo went out because the electrics were dodgy

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and his dog howled, well, cos that's just what dogs do, innit?

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It was nothing to do with the mummy.

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THUNDERCLAP Oh, just stop it.

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The curse was just made up by the newspapers.

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Why am I here? I mean, if it's not a real ghost story, why get me?

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Get John Barrowman or Ant and Dec.

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I'm off. And I'm keeping the jacket.

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King George III didn't die until he was 81.

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So George IV had to wait an awfully long time to become King.

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Oh!

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Oh, George. How do you do it? How do you look so fabulous?

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George, you are worth it!

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Your Highness? I have some dreadful news.

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Powdered wigs aren't coming back?

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It's far graver news that that.

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Sir, I must tell you, your father is dead.

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Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es! Get in!

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Get in!

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Sir, I think you may have misheard me.

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Dad's dead, Dad's dead. Oh, gosh, I'm King!

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Ah. You, you didn't.

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But, Sir, shouldn't you be... upset?

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Upset? I'm nearly 60 years old.

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I know I don't look it. It's good of you to say it.

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-I wasn't going to, but -

-I've been Prince for nearly 60 years.

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Nearly 60 years I've been waiting for my father to kick the bucket!

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Yes, but, Sir, I have to advise you

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that your subjects will expect you to be in floods of tears.

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Tears? This is better than Christmas!

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-George! Have you heard the news?

-You bet I have!

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Congratu-very-lations, Your Majesty.

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My Majesty.

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-Your Majesty!

-My Majesty.

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-Your Majesty!

-Alright.

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Sir, are you sure you can't squeeze out just a small tear?

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Certainly not, Thick Wig!

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I only cry about things that matter.

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So, how do I look for my coronation?

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-Spectacular!

-Look at my calves!

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Very muscular. Very manly!

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I'll tell you a secret. It's padding.

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Padding? Ah! Well, that explains the seat of your trouser.

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What?

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Well, between yousies and mesies,

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there might be a tad too much pad on the old derriere.

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Padding?

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There's no padding there!

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He thinks I'm fat! He thinks I'm fat!

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You know what might help? What about if you wore a corset?

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I am wearing a corset!

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Well, at least he's crying now.

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Oh! Oh, the poor Prince!

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I'm not a prince, I'm a king now! Now, get out!

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-He's a king!

-Out!

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Oh! I'm fat!

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I need a chocolate.

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Did you know, George IV was so overweight,

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his nickname was the Prince of Whales.

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That's a bit unfair, isn't it, eh?

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On whales! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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And he really did have to wait nearly 60 years to become King.

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SOMBRE INSTRUMENTAL

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# I'm George IV, the Regent King

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# Which means I was just standing in

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# Acting King because my dad

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-# George III had gone barking mad

-Banana!

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# Great palaces, I did design

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# Buckingham was one of mine

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# Art and fashion, I so rated

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-# And wives?

-# That's more complicated

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# Actresses and duchesses

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# The great loves of my life

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# I loved more girls than I ate pies

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# And I couldn't stand my wife

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-# He couldn't stand his wife

-Go away!

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# I only married Queen Caroline

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# When my debts began to climb

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# Cos if I agreed to tie the knot

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# I said I'd pay off the lot

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# But the wedding caused all sorts of strife

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# Cos I already had a wife

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-# A divorced Catholic?

-# Dad did sigh

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# But the mad old goat just wouldn't die

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-Still here. Oop! Spoke too soon.

-At last, I can go solo!

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# As true King, my reign began

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# Though I was now older than your nan

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# And as the ruler of our nation

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# I banned my wife from my coronation

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# And knowing now that I did hate her

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# She promptly died just three weeks later

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# But all those pies that I'd got through

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# Meant 10 years later, I died, too

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Hello. Have we met? I'm a kangaroo.

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# Actresses, duchesses the great loves of my life

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# I loved more girls than I ate pies

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# But I couldn't stand my wife

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# I had just 10 years on the throne

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# Do you remember that?

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# No, all that you remember is

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# I was really fat. #

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Hello, and welcome to the News At When.

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When? The Middle Ages.

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A time when the Christian people of Europe

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decided to go to war with the Islamic people in the Middle East

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just because they didn't believe in the same things.

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Hard to imagine, I know.

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So, here with more details is Bob Hale, with the Crusades Report.

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Thank you, Sam. I'm Bob Hale and I'm on a bit of a crusade

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to tell you all about The Crusades,

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a series of extremely violent religious wars

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that started nearly 1,000 years ago.

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Yes, the year is 1095, that right there is Palestine, the Holy Land,

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and here comes the Pope!

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There he is. He's called Pope Urban because he's quite street. Sick!

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Not really. He doesn't like what he sees, which is lots of Muslim people

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which isn't surprising, since they live there and it's their Holy Land.

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But this Pope doesn't like to share.

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He decided the Holy Land should be reclaimed for Christians.

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How does he plan to do this? Simple.

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Any Christian who fights for the Holy Land will get into heaven,

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which Christians liked the sound of.

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And so began the first crusade.

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Heaven-hungry Christians will pop to the Holy Land,

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take over and that will be the end of that.

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But crusading is a tricky business, and that's just the journey.

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Because many ships back then had a design problem. Mainly that one.

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If you didn't sink, you had to cope with diseases, storms, sickness,

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sea monsters, except not sea monsters,

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all before you got to do any actual fighting.

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That was if you could afford to go by boat.

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Many were poor peasants who had to walk to the Holy Land.

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Yes, they walked, which takes longer than going to the shops,

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even if you go to the big shops and not the little one on the corner.

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The first crusade took so long, with the walking, sinking and fighting,

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that the Christians ran out of supplies

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and had to eat some really disgusting things,

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like blood, wee, turkey twizzlers and dead bodies.

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Not turkey twizzlers. They never got that desperate.

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Ha-ha! Little joke there.

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Despite this, the Christians took over huge chunks of the Holy Land,

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including the great city of Jerusalem. All in four years!

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Job done, crusade over, Christians win,

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so long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. Right?

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Wrong! The Muslims weren't about to take all this lying down.

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They fight back, conquering the city of Odessa.

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What did the Pope do? Yep, you've guessed it. Another crusade!

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In 1147, the Christians rush back over to the Holy Land and lose.

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They get the pants thrashed off of them.

0:19:040:19:07

After spending 40 years or so mulling over what to do next,

0:19:070:19:10

the Christians come up with a new plan.

0:19:100:19:12

A crusade! Yep, another one, and it's a biggie.

0:19:120:19:14

1187. Richard the Lionheart, who's actually got a lion's heart.

0:19:140:19:18

That's not true, but he is King of England.

0:19:180:19:21

He starts a war with Saladin.

0:19:210:19:22

So that's a war with tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber...

0:19:220:19:25

His name's Saladin and he's a Muslim leader

0:19:250:19:27

who's been building an empire in the Middle East.

0:19:270:19:30

King Richard and many Christians rush over to the Holy Land

0:19:300:19:33

and a big old fight breaks out.

0:19:330:19:35

Nothing to do with the Muslims. The Crusaders fight amongst themselves.

0:19:350:19:39

Half of them call it a day and go home,

0:19:390:19:41

leaving poor old Dickie Boy on his lonesome.

0:19:410:19:43

Lucky for him, Saladin is a nice chap and agrees to a peace treaty.

0:19:430:19:47

Peace is upon us, no more wars, no more crusades,

0:19:470:19:50

just flowers, love, holding hands and that is that.

0:19:500:19:52

No doubt, no diggidy and no questions asked.

0:19:520:19:55

Or so we thought! But in 1202, another Pope named Pope Innocent

0:19:560:20:01

comes up with a bold new initiative.

0:20:010:20:02

Yep, you've guessed it. It's a crusade!

0:20:020:20:05

So we have the fourth crusade that achieves nothing.

0:20:050:20:07

Followed by the fifth crusade that achieves nothing.

0:20:070:20:10

Followed by the sixth crusade that achieves nothing. Followed by...

0:20:100:20:14

We apologise for the technical hitch we appear to have with Bob today.

0:20:140:20:18

We are working to resolve the problem,

0:20:180:20:20

but in the meantime, we hope you enjoy this.

0:20:200:20:23

When off on a long crusade,

0:20:230:20:26

a knight would often take an old woman with him.

0:20:260:20:29

Or, as they used to call them, an old crone.

0:20:290:20:33

Hi. I'm a crusader.

0:20:330:20:36

Sworn to win back Jerusalem from the Saracen Muslims.

0:20:360:20:39

Slaughtering them in the name of Christianity.

0:20:390:20:42

It's hard, dirty work.

0:20:430:20:44

That's why when I go on a crusade, I always bring along an Old Crone.

0:20:440:20:50

She might just be an ugly old woman I kidnapped from my village,

0:20:500:20:54

but Old Crone can wash out even the toughest of stains.

0:20:540:20:57

We compared enslaving an Old Crone to not bothering to wash.

0:20:570:21:01

And just look at the difference!

0:21:010:21:04

Take Old Crone along with you on your crusade

0:21:050:21:07

and she'll comb those nits out of your hair.

0:21:070:21:10

She'll even wash it, too.

0:21:100:21:12

Now, if a Saracen cuts my head off, I know it'll look lovely.

0:21:120:21:16

Aaaaargh!

0:21:180:21:20

And that's not all.

0:21:200:21:22

Old Crone will even find food and cook it for you.

0:21:220:21:25

And when there's a food shortage,

0:21:250:21:27

Old Crone really comes into her own.

0:21:270:21:29

I found some grains of wheat in animal droppings

0:21:290:21:35

and the meat is the finest cut of enemy dead.

0:21:350:21:41

The backside.

0:21:410:21:43

Old Crone. You'll wonder how you survived on a crusade without one.

0:21:460:21:50

Warning: Old Crone is very old and may not survive the journey.

0:21:500:21:54

Between 1607 and 1865,

0:21:590:22:03

slavery was legal in America.

0:22:030:22:06

One slave who escaped and went on to free other slaves

0:22:060:22:08

was known as Agent Moses.

0:22:080:22:11

But Agent Moses wasn't quite what you might expect.

0:22:110:22:14

-CRACK!

-Ssh!

0:22:180:22:19

-Ssh!

-Ssh!

0:22:190:22:21

-Ssh!

-Ssh!

0:22:210:22:23

Well, I think this is the spot.

0:22:250:22:28

-Yeah. So, what do we do now?

-We wait.

0:22:280:22:30

Accordin' to the message, Agent Moses will meet us here,

0:22:300:22:33

break us out of the plantation and arrange safe passage to Canada.

0:22:330:22:37

Wow! Just think, in a few days, we won't be slaves any more.

0:22:370:22:41

-We'll be free men.

-Yeah.

0:22:410:22:44

Agent Moses has already freed over 60 slaves. He must be quite a guy.

0:22:440:22:48

-I can't wait to meet him.

-So, you boys got my message?

0:22:480:22:52

-BOTH: Ssh!

-We're waitin' for Agent Moses.

0:22:520:22:54

A-hem! Agent Moses is here.

0:22:540:22:56

Oh, brilliant. Where?

0:22:560:22:58

Here. I'm Agent Moses.

0:22:580:23:00

-You're Agent Moses?

-You look like my mama.

0:23:000:23:03

Well, we just expected you to be a dashing young man.

0:23:030:23:08

That's what they expect. Especially the slave owners tryin' to catch me.

0:23:080:23:12

Oh. So that's why you're so good at this!

0:23:120:23:15

Yep. I'm the last person they'd expect to be freein' slaves.

0:23:150:23:19

Besides, I got myself a few disguises in case of emergency.

0:23:190:23:23

Lemme guess. Big false beard.

0:23:230:23:25

Nah-nah-nah-nah. Glasses and a wig. Always glasses and a wig.

0:23:250:23:29

No. Even better. A newspaper.

0:23:290:23:32

-BOTH: A newspaper?

-You gotta be kiddin' me.

0:23:320:23:36

Hey, who's there? Who goes there?

0:23:360:23:38

Stop, slave! What...?

0:23:390:23:41

Oh-ho-ho-ho! My apologies, ma'am.

0:23:410:23:44

I thought you might be a slave,

0:23:440:23:46

-but you're clearly an educated woman readin' a newspaper.

-Indeed.

0:23:460:23:50

-Well, good evenin', ma'am.

-You, too.

0:23:500:23:53

Wow! That's amazin'!

0:23:540:23:56

That's nothin'. Wait til you see my ultimate disguise.

0:23:560:23:59

Lady carryin' a chicken.

0:24:000:24:02

-BOTH: Lady carryin' a chicken?

-Now, you gotta be havin' us on!

0:24:020:24:06

Hey! What in the...? Who's there? What's all that noise? Stop, slave!

0:24:060:24:10

Oh-ho-ho-ho! My mistake. It's just a lady carryin' a chicken.

0:24:100:24:15

Now, look at that funny little chicken! IMITATES CHICKEN

0:24:150:24:18

HE LAUGHS Oh, I love a chicken!

0:24:200:24:23

Well, evenin', ma'am.

0:24:240:24:26

Oh, that crazy chicken!

0:24:260:24:29

Well, that was amazin'!

0:24:290:24:30

He was so distracted by your chicken, he didn't even notice you!

0:24:300:24:34

Lady, either you very, very clever

0:24:340:24:36

or these slave owners are very, very stupid.

0:24:360:24:38

A little bit of both, boys. A little bit of both.

0:24:380:24:41

Grandma Moses' real name was Harriet Tubman.

0:24:430:24:47

In the American Civil War, she commanded an armed military raid

0:24:470:24:50

freeing over 700 slaves.

0:24:500:24:53

Making her the first woman in American history

0:24:530:24:56

to lead soldiers into battle.

0:24:560:24:58

The rat knows all.

0:24:580:25:00

HE WHISTLES

0:25:050:25:08

-Yes?

-Hello, sir. I'm a Roman poo seller. Would you like to buy some?

0:25:110:25:15

No, thanks. I make my own.

0:25:150:25:17

-I said no.

-Yes, sir.

0:25:210:25:23

I clean the communal toilets in the city,

0:25:230:25:25

so the poo I collect is of a very high quality.

0:25:250:25:28

Your poo, I think it's fair to say, is just peasant poo,

0:25:280:25:31

made up of cabbages and turnips.

0:25:310:25:33

Some of this is from the bottoms of Roman senators.

0:25:330:25:36

They have a very rich diet, full of fruit and meat.

0:25:360:25:39

Think of the nutrients.

0:25:390:25:41

I do have trouble making enough for the whole field.

0:25:410:25:44

It's worth its weight in gold, sir. Your crops will flourish.

0:25:440:25:47

-Alright. I'll take some to try.

-Lovely.

0:25:470:25:50

You will not regret it. This is the best decision you've ever made.

0:25:500:25:53

Look at that. Handsome! See ya.

0:25:530:25:56

Should've asked for a bag.

0:25:590:26:01

That's right. Roman toilet cleaners used to sell poo to farmers.

0:26:030:26:08

And there was plenty of it, I can tell you.

0:26:080:26:10

Because rich Romans loved to stuff themselves silly at dinner parties.

0:26:100:26:14

Ave, viewer. I'm a very posh Roman.

0:26:150:26:20

And if you want to fit into polite Roman society,

0:26:200:26:22

there's a few simple rules you need to learn first.

0:26:220:26:25

Here's how to behave at a Roman dinner party.

0:26:250:26:28

Eating with cutlery. How rude!

0:26:320:26:34

A good Roman will always eat with his fingers.

0:26:340:26:38

Oh, yes. That's far more polite.

0:26:400:26:43

-BURP!

-'Scuse me.

0:26:460:26:48

Oh, yes. Very good.

0:26:480:26:50

Burping shows your host that you have enjoyed your meal.

0:26:500:26:53

BURP!

0:26:530:26:55

Where are you going? A Roman would never leave the table to have a wee.

0:27:000:27:05

You'd get a slave to bring the pot to you.

0:27:050:27:08

But what if I can't go when everyone's watching?

0:27:080:27:11

Um,... try thinking about an aqueduct or a fountain or something.

0:27:110:27:16

No, I can't eat any more. I'm too full.

0:27:230:27:25

A good Roman is never full.

0:27:250:27:28

Tickle the back of your throat with a feather until you are sick,

0:27:280:27:32

and then repeat.

0:27:320:27:34

RETCHES

0:27:360:27:38

And now you know how to behave in polite Roman society.

0:27:380:27:42

The very height of civilisation.

0:27:420:27:44

-RETCHES

-Sorry.

0:27:450:27:47

Well done. That's my feet, but well done.

0:27:470:27:51

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

0:27:530:27:55

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

0:27:550:27:58

Then play Horrible Histories' Terrible Treasures.

0:27:580:28:02

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

0:28:020:28:05

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

0:28:050:28:08

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