Episode 2 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Victoria and Albert, the love story of their generation.

1836 and the most eligible young princess in the world

meets her potential suitors.

What about Alexander of the Netherlands?

-Prince of Orange-Nassau.

-Three out of ten.

Begging your pardon, ma'am, but he's totally fit.

Don't care. Not interested.

It was not going well, until...

Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg!

Who is that? He's gorge.

12 out of 10.

Sorry, your highness, who are we looking at?

Is he behind the one with the ridiculous facial hair?

-Oi! Walrus face, out the way!

-Thus.

-He spoke!

For Princess Victoria, it was love at first sight.

All right? I think you're the fittest man I've ever seen.

I love you.

I just wish I knew if she liked me.

It was a royal whirlwind romance and after a couple of years,

it was time to propose.

My love, my darling, my cousin,

there is something I need to ask you.

Will you marry me?

Oh, that is what I was going to say,

but, er... Yes, why not?

10th February, 1840, the happy day.

Prince Albert marries the now Queen Victoria.

I now pronounce you Queen and husband.

Check it out! King Albert!

Or was he?

Oh, no. It's Prince Albert, actually.

But I've married a queen so I am king.

-Yes, but it doesn't work like that.

-Maybe it does.

-No, it doesn't.

-Maybe it could.

-No it couldn't.

-But you're Queen. You could make me King if you like.

-Yes, you'd think.

-But I asked the government and they said, "no".

-OK, baby.

It was a happy marriage, a REALLY happy marriage

that would bring them nine children

and would last until their dying day,

which, sadly, in the case of Prince Albert, wasn't very long.

Albert!!!

Queen Victoria went into mourning.

VICTORIA WEEPS

Time is a great healer.

VICTORIA SOBS

40 years later...

Come on. Get over it!

Finally, after four decades of grieving,

Victoria was ready to move on.

OK, I'm over it.

I'm ready to start dating again.

VICTORIA GROANS

I think you might have left that a little late.

When Albert died and Victoria went into mourning,

she only wore black for the next 40 years.

40 years! Just imagine her wardrobe.

"Mmm, what shall I wear today?"

"The black dress, the black dress or the black dress?"

"Oh, I have it! The black dress!"

In the 1500s a priest called Martin Luther

started a religious revolt

against the Catholics in Germany, and set up the Protestant Church.

He was a colourful character to say the least.

And having heard that Mr Luther shares my misgivings

about the Catholic church,

I was hoping to discuss our philosophy

and work out the best way

to tackle these terrible abuses of Catholic power.

Of course, and I know he's been looking forward to meeting you.

Ever since you wrote the doctrine

that's the foundation for the breakaway Protestant church.

-He's through there, in his office.

-Ah, thank you.

-Hello!

-Oh, my word. I'm so sorry.

I didn't realise you were on the toilet.

Well, that is right, yes. But this is also my office.

-I don't think it is.

-No, no.

You see I use the toilet so much I thought to myself,

"Hmm, why not turn my toilet into my office?"

So I had this big bathroom built with under-floor heating,

a nice wooden toilet with cess pit underneath,

so now I can do my business while I do my business!

Ha, ha, I made a joke.

Ha, ha, ha, ha...

Anyway, I need to finish this letter to my friend.

"If you ask me, the whole thing stinks."

"It is dark, foreboding and makes me feel very uncomfortable."

Ah, I take it you're referring to the abuses of the Catholic church.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm just filling my friends in with the details of my latest poop poops.

I like to keep my friends abreast of my movements.

You right detailed letters about your poo to your friends?

That's right! I know some people can find my obsession with the poop poops

a little bit weird, but I have no doubt that they will enjoy

reading about my botty bums as much as I enjoy writing about them.

No? Hehe!

Well, clearly you're far too busy

to discuss church matters with me yourself.

Perhaps you would allow me to see your number two.

Sure, here she is.

Oh! I meant your assistant!

Oh, well.

Good size and consistency.

Smell?

HE SNIFFS

Hmm, pungent.

Martin Luther really did come up with the idea

for the Protestant church on a toilet in Germany.

This paved the way for Henry VIII to break from Rome

and start the Church of England 20 years later,

which meant he could now take control of all the Catholic abbeys

in the country.

And that wasn't very good news for the monks who lived there.

Hello and welcome to Cash in The Abbey,

the show where we help you find hidden treasures

in your monastery or abbey, and turn them into cash.

This week we're in Tudor times where his majesty King Henry VIII

is hoping to raise enough money for the war of a lifetime with France.

So, Henry, I hear you've got an abbey or two.

Oh, yeah. 800 of them.

What? 800?!

Yes, they used to belong to the Pope but now they're mine

since I set up this new church, Church of England.

It's a long story.

Anyway, they are chock full of stuff I no longer need, you know.

Dusty old books, monks and so forth, so I thought I'd have a clear out

and see if I couldn't raise some cash.

And you've got your friend here, Thomas Cromwell to help you out.

That's right.

I sent out a team of experts to every monastery in the land

and, according to their report, these monks are rolling in it.

You don't think it might look dodgy nicking all this stuff

off these men of God?

Have you read my report?!

"Manifest sin, vicious, carnal and abominable living

"is daily used and committed."

Those monks were having more fun than me. Not really!

We just made it up for an excuse to nick all their stuff.

I'm sorry but, er, I know.

-Right then, let's have a rummage.

-Yeah.

So, how are you getting on, Henry?

Oh, very well.

These monks have kindly agreed to let us have whatever we want.

-Really, that's good.

-Well, otherwise we'd have them executed.

And what have you got there, Thomas?

These books are unique religious texts

that any Catholic would love to have on their shelves,

so I'll be destroying all those.

And I also found these little pieces of bones in a coffin

which may not look like much but are actually sacred relics,

so, hopefully, they'll make us a bob or two, too... Too.

And the best bit of course is that, er,

they've got loads of land that we can steal and sell to our friends.

So, you're basically going to leave these monks

with nothing but the building they live in.

Oh, no, we're going to flog off the bricks to the local peasants

and the lead on the roof is going to be melted down and used as gun shot.

Bring on the Frenchies, I say.

HENRY LAUGHS

So, Henry, you've managed to cash in all 800 abbeys.

You must be pleased.

Yes, it's been a life changing experience, er, for the monks!

Well, they shouldn't have done all those terrible things

that we said they did.

Where are all these beggars coming from? Get out of it, go on.

So you've nicked all their gold, smashed up their houses

and sold everything off to the highest bidder.

But have you raised enough cash for that war in France?

Yes, yes, you have.

Yes!! See you later.

Er, is this stuff all going for free?

Yeah, help yourself.

I've had my eye on this for the garden.

Guys, can you... Can I get some, er, couple of guys on this end?

This was known as the Dissolution of the Monasteries.

Over 800 religious communities were seized by Henry VIII,

so he could afford to go to war with the French.

Well, Henry certainly had the stomach for a fight!

Anyway, Protestants and Catholics did not get on,

and in England during the reign of Elizabeth I,

Protestant priest hunters tried to round up all the Catholic priests.

Brand new to Tudor times, Hide and Priest.

The cat and mouse game no one wants to play.

To start playing all you have to do is hide your Catholic priest

along with his vestments, relics and altar.

Then just wait for the Protestant priest hunter to call.

Will the priest be safely hidden in his hole?

Or will the priest hunter track him down?

He'll rip up floorboards!

He'll knock down walls!

It's the no fun at all game that can go on for days, or weeks.

Oh, it's no good. I give in.

You win, where is he?

He's... Where's who?

Mmm. Worth a go, wasn't it?

Only make sure you don't leave the priest in there for too long

or you could be in for a bit of a shock.

Hide and Priest.

The game that brings Catholics and Protestants together.

Only not in a good way.

Hello and welcome to the News at When,

when around seven million years ago,

when there was no human life on earth, but over in Africa

some chimpanzees are starting to develop some rather familiar traits.

Here with more details on these incredible developments

is the oldest human I've ever met, Bob Hale, with the Human Report.

Bob.

Thank you, Sam, I think.

Well, it's a whopping seven million years ago,

here we are in Africa and here comes your family.

Well, OK, they're chimpanzees

but these particular ones look a little different to all the others.

There's something about the face, or maybe it's the teeth

or perhaps the "I'm Evolving" t-shirt.

Whatever it is, there's a subtle difference that might just be

the first tiny steps towards becoming you and me.

Well, you, anyway. I'm much better looking.

And if we zip forward a million years,

we find a series of these tiny changes have combined to make

a chimp that's no longer a chimp at all.

Yes, it's a Orrorin Tugenensis.

A whole new species that boldly stands on its own two feet

by standing on its own two feet.

And give it another million years to practice they're even walking around,

teaching their tiny brains to put one foot in front of the other,

like this. Oh!

More difficult than it looks, isn't it?

But by three million years ago,

they've got this walking business sorted and how do we know this?

Because we found the skeleton of the Southern Ape nicknamed Lucy,

just like my first girlfriend.

And she's 1.2 metres tall with short legs,

a hook jaw, and a brain the size of an orange,

just like my first girlfriend.

But more importantly, Lucy's skeleton proves that she walked on two legs

most of the time, just as we do today.

That's Lucy the Ape Skeleton, of course, not Lucy my first girlfriend

who is alive and well and has a successful radio career.

So the apes are now upright but they're still basically apes.

But not for long!

Yes, a trifling two and a half million years ago

up popped Homo Habilis.

Latin for handyman and a lot cheaper than the guy who put in my bathroom.

Yes, he starts using tools and as such, he's the first true human.

A fact I will now celebrate using this early party popper.

IT SQUELCHES

Needs work.

Anyway our little handy man switches to a protein rich diet

which helped him to grow a bigger brain and design better tools

so he can catch better food, leading to bigger brains and better tools,

and better food, and bigger brains and better tools and better food...

Sorry, yeah, got a bit stuck.

Anyway, as the African forests recede into desert, mankind has to evolve

just to keep up, so about 1.9 million years ago,

Homo Ergaster appears and since the desert is so hot,

he loses all his fur.

Though we've blurred that out to save his embarrassment.

Meanwhile, over in Asia, Homo Ergaster's cousin has appeared,

Homo Erectus, and he has discovered fire,

which means he can now cook meat which helps him to eat better

and grow bigger brains and make better tools and kill better food

and... No, no, no! Not the stick.

Anyway, Homo Erectus is gradually replaced by Homo Heidelbergensis

who at over 2 metres tall has a very long stride

which helps him to stroll all the way across into Stone Age Europe.

He is right handed, like me, has developed a primitive language

like what done do,

and likes to stab animals with spears which is where we differ.

Nut, gradually, Heidelbergensis evolved into a chap

you've probably heard of,

Neanderthal man, who's short, squat and awful at running.

A bit like my second girlfriend who I'd rather forget.

And Neanderthals have pretty big brains

but you'd never know it from their hunting technique,

which is to jump on huge animals and try and wrestle them to death.

A great spectator sport.

And what do you know, here comes some spectators.

Yes, it's our friend from Africa who has now evolved into...

..bah, bah, bah, bah, bah!

Homo Sapiens, just like you and me.

Yes, the search for food has led us up out of Africa and into Europe.

So now we have both Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens

in the same place at the same time, fighting for the same food.

But not for long!

With better hunting techniques

and needing less food to fuel their smaller bodies,

Homo Sapiens have the edge and a mere 24,000 years ago,

Neanderthals die out, leaving us, Homo Sapiens, behind.

So there we have it.

Evolution in a nutshell. And what's to say it's stopped there?

Perhaps in the future our thumbs will evolve to text quicker

or our ears to listen to louder music,

or maybe Sam will finally develop a way

to check our emails and do her nails at the same time.

What do you reckon, Sam?

No comment.

Argh!

Although men evolved from monkeys millions of years ago,

it wasn't until the Victorian era that the theory of evolution

was first put forward by a man called Charles Darwin.

# Mmmmm, yeah

# Mmmmm, yeah

# People thought all animals arrived here unrelated

# The world began and then came man All perfectly created

# But then someone looked up a tree

# And said that monkey looks just like me

# So it really was a mystery

# What I'd learned in natural history

# So I joined HMS Beagle watched the eagle and the seagull

# We studied rocks and plants flowers, trees and bees and ants

# Slept on hammocks without pillows

# Eating rats and armadillos

# Till I realised on reflection

# It's natural selection

# Yeah

# Natural selection means each animal evolved

# To blend with its surroundings ch-ch-changes were involved

# So birds with different foods to seek

# Seemed to have developed different beaks

# And over time they'd modified

# So just the fittest of them all survived

# On the isles of Galapagos

# I noted the giant tortoise had interesting shells

# And I wrote on them as well

# Iguanas learned at swimming meant my new theory was winning

# It all lead in the direction

# Of natural selection

# My findings met with outrage from the Ch-Ch-Church of England

# And from me

# The idea that we came from ch-ch-chimps

# Questioned my own Christianity

# But it was hard to disagree

# Every species, new mutation had a perfect explanation

# It seemed the world's inception must predate common perception

# And an lack of adaptation

# It's a fatal limitation

# So each creature's imperfection over time gets a correction

# Meaning animal collections grow unique means of protection

# And to fail nature's inspection means immediate conjecture

# Which all leads to the detection

# Of natural selection

# Natural selection. #

-Good morning.

-Morning, Lord Sugar.

Are my eyes deceiving me? One of the teams is late.

Nobody's late for my boardroom.

They'd better be dead, or else I'm going to kill them.

Now, Team Merchant, who was your project manager?

Me, Lord Sugar.

This task was perfectly simple.

I gave you 200 gold coins and you had to invest them.

What did you do with my money?

Well, we, er, purchased a ship, sailed to the Caribbean

and bought some sugar.

Sugar's a really expensive item back home in Georgian England.

Plan is, buy it from a Caribbean island,

ship it home, sell it.

Sugar turns a tidy profit.

Yeah, well, this Sugar turns a tidy profit an' all.

Karen, how did their little import venture go?

Er, not so well, Lord Sugar. They were attacked by pirates.

BANG

Prepare to be boarded, you scaredy land-lovers.

You're late. Sit down.

Team Pirates, who was your project manager?

-I prefer the term captain.

-Yeah, well, I prefer the term king,

but I've got to make do with plain, old lord.

-So, how were you chosen?

-The only way a true pirate can be.

We had a vote on it and I came out on top.

Have I got mug written across my head?

In point of fact, Lord Sugar, it's true.

Team Pirate did take a democratic vote

to see who'd be project manager and Black Bart was elected.

I did not expect that.

So, was it your idea, then,

to attack the merchant ship?

I'd prefer to call it a hostile takeover.

Hostile! I'll say. People were killed.

Well, sometimes in business,

-you do have to be a little bit ruthless, don't you?

-Mmm.

So, who was in charge of your security then?

He was in charge, it was his fault.

Oh, no, I actually had the vessel fitted out

with the very latest anti-pirate systems, paintings of cannons.

I could've sworn I just heard you say "paintings of cannons".

They looked just like the real thing.

-I told him they wouldn't work.

-He didn't.

I...I did.

That's a bare-faced lie.

Shut it! Bart and his pirates took over the merchant ship.

Job done, right?

No, not exactly.

Team Pirate's ship was so full of booty

they'd taken from other hostile takeovers,

they didn't have any room on board for Team Merchant's cargo.

Arr, it is true.

So, we decided to sell back the ship and its cargo to them.

-Did you buy it?

-If we didn't, they were going to burn the ship.

-They had us over a barrel.

-I don't believe this.

Karen, what kind of a profit did Team Merchant turn over?

Well, they ended up buying their ship and cargo twice,

and then, their ship sank on the way back to England,

so they brought back nothing.

Or rather, one small, silver fish.

And Team Pirate?

It wasn't just this merchant ship they took over and sold back,

they actually did the same trick to ten other merchant vessels.

Their profit, 1,000 gold coins.

So, one team brings back a small fortune,

the other team brings back a small fish.

It doesn't take a genius to work out who's going to get fired today.

Arr. If anyone's going to get fired, it be you,

-out of a cannon.

-Oh, he's good, isn't he?

D'you know what, I see a bit of myself in you.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You're hired.

Thank you so much. I won't let you down.

The answer is...

Despite being a pirate, he was a highly religious man.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

As you may have heard, the signs have been taken down

from all British railway stations,

due to the threat of a Nazi invasion.

In theory, with no place names visible,

the German paratroopers will have no idea where they've landed.

-Good idea.

-I will, however, be announcing

the name of each station as we approach it.

-Excuse me.

-Yes, madam.

-W-What if one of us is German?

-Sorry?

What if there's a German somewhere in the carriage,

-you'd be telling them where we are.

-Good point.

Er, revision to the earlier rule.

Instead of me telling you where we are,

you shout out where you think we are and I'll cough if you're right.

But the German will still hear us shouting out the name, won't he?

All right. Er, new rule.

If you think you know where we are,

whisper it to the person next to you and then ask them to pass it along.

When the whisper reaches me, I will stamp my foot.

Once if your right. TAP

Twice if you're wrong. TAP TAP

What if one of us whispers it to the German?

Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

OK, new rule. Er, ask the person next to you

to whisper the words to God Save The King.

If they get them right, they're not German

and you can whisper the name of the station to them,

then they can whisper the name to the person next to them.

Provided the person next to you

-knows the words to God Save The King.

-Well, of course.

-Yes?

-I'm not German, but I don't know the words to God Save The King.

All right. New rule.

If you think you know the name of the next station,

write it down on a piece of paper and hand the piece of paper to me.

If you're right,

I will whisper the name to the nearest person to me

who knows the words to God Save The King

and then they can shout out the name of the...

No. No, no.

-Yes.

-I'm ze German.

Would it help if I just got off the train?

Oh. D'you know, that would be marvellous.

OK, the next station is Coventry.

Coventry, next station.

It's true.

At the start of World War II, to confuse enemy German invaders,

the signs were removed from train stations.

The signs were removed from roads as well,

as if driving wasn't hard enough already.

Wouldn't worry me, of course.

I get my sense of direction from these good, old whiskers. Ha-ha.

Driving in Britain during World War II was a real challenge.

So much petrol was needed for the war effort

that it was in very short supply.

Uh-oh, running out of petrol.

So some cars were re-fitted to run on household gas.

It was a brilliant idea.

Except, of course, that it required a huge bag.

And as you used up the gas, the bag started to droop over the windscreen

which made it very difficult for the driver.

Good grief, I can't see a thing.

Whoops, whoops. Woah.

Oh, no.

So, someone had the brilliant idea of building a crate

to hold the bag in place.

There, that's much better.

Which, unfortunately, made the car

very, very heavy.

-Ah, think I'll walk.

-Yes, it's probably for the best.

It was during King Charles II's reign

that women were allowed to act for the first time

and soon, there were some brand new stars of the stage.

This week in Oh Yea! Magazine,

the Stuart superstar who's the hottest ticket in town.

Yes, it's our Nell Gwynn special.

Read my rags to riches story.

How I went from being a humble orange seller to a famous actress.

It's all here, in Oh Yea! Magazine.

All the hot gossip from the people who knew her best.

I was the manager at the theatre where she used to sell her oranges.

"Oranges, get your oranges here. What flavour would you like, sir?

"Orange, orange, orange or orange?

"I'm afraid we're out of orange." Brilliant.

Read how I got talent spotted

and became the most celebrated theatre actress

in the last 20 years.

Given that the Puritans had banned theatre for 20 years,

there wasn't much competition.

Oi, cheeky!

And discover the identity of Nell's secret boyfriend.

She's the most beautiful and witty of all my subjects.

Oh, have I given it away?

Secret boyfriend?

Everyone knows I'm going out with King Charles II.

Mind you, most people seem to be going out with King Charles II.

What can I say? I'm a lady magnet.

And in this week's Oh Yea! Magazine,

we go totally bananas with our banana competition,

in which you could win, yes, you've guessed it, a pineapple.

Second prize is a banana.

For all the juice on your favourite stars,

it's got to be Oh Yea! Magazine.

Come on, you know you wanna. Ah-ha.

Under Puritan rule, women had not been allowed to act.

So, all female parts were played by men dressed as women.

I say, this play's like a panto.

Oh, no, it isn't. Oh, yes, it is.

Charles II was all in favour of getting actresses on the stage.

Yes, good, old Charles.

He certainly knew how to entertain people.

Well, do tuck in, Mr Ambassador.

-ITALIAN ACCENT: Are you not going to say grace first?

-Yeah.

Party on.

-Amen?

-Big time.

Shouldn't we wait for your other guests to sit down first?

-Other guests?

-Er.

Oh, them. No, no, no. They're not guests.

You see, the common man, no offence,

is allowed to come and watch me, their fabulous king,

eat his din-dins on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

-It's a sort of public performance.

-Well, maybe I'll come back

Tuesday or the Thursday.

No, no, no, no.

You don't mind, do you?

See. Now tuck in, old boy. How is Italy at this time of year?

Well, the area down south is very nice. Er...

Problem?

I think they are moving closer.

I sincerely doubt it.

-Now, you were saying about the beaches.

-Yes, the area of Calabria,

well, it is...

No, I am sure they are moving closer.

-There's a rope.

-Maybe they are moving the rope closer.

Ha-ha-ha. You and your impossible theory.

Now, come on, old sausage, tell me all about Calabria.

Yes, well, it is very small region and, er...

-No, they're definitely moving closer.

-OK.

There's only one way to sort this out.

Are you lot moving any closer?

See.

Now, I'll have no more of these groundless accusations...

This is ridiculous.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't go, you know I hate eating alone.

Party for one, Charlie?

Looks that way, old boy.

Looks that way.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

If you enjoyed that, why not come and play?

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

See you there!

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #