Episode 3 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Being religious in the Middle Ages

could take you on some really big adventures.

This day will be written in history as the day

Emico of the Rhineland began the German Crusade to recapture

the Holy Land in the name of the Pope.

Let us begin.

Oh, you are so brave.

Yeah, I suppose I am.

In a few weeks I am going to bring you Jerusalem as a gift.

Now then, where is Jerusalem?

-Erm, the Holy Land?

-Yes, but where's the Holy Land?

Anyone got a map?

Better than that, Sire. I have a goose.

A goose that can navigate by the stars?

Even better than that.

It is a goose filled with the Holy Spirit.

-It shall lead the way for us.

-OK. Lead on, good Sir Goose.

WHISPERS: The Holy Land.

GOOSE HONKS

GOOSE HONKS

Well, I never thought I'd become part of a walking metaphor

but that really was a wild goose chase.

Sorry, Sire. I have failed you.

Not entirely. The goose is delicious.

Any more bright ideas on finding our way?

-My lord, I have the solution!

-You have a goat.

-Not just any goat.

-Here we go...

It is a goat that is filled...

-With the Holy Spirit.

-Yeah.

Go on, then. Can't be any more stupid than you lot.

Yes! Lead on, Greg.

Well, Peter, your goat has taken us nowhere near the Holy Land.

We're in Hungary.

But at least that isn't an adjective

that can be used to describe us.

HE SOBS

Terrible navigator, but an excellent dinner.

I've eaten a goose filled with the Holy Spirit

and a goat filled with the Holy Spirit.

I must be morbidly obese with divine wisdom.

I think I'll lead the way now, yeah?

Oi! What about my gift of Jerusalem?

If you can find it, love, it's yours.

Emico of the Rhineland was in fact a horrible man

who went around slaughtering people.

Following a goose and goat meant he never made it to the Holy Land

so he was a bully AND an idiot.

Hi, I'm Dominic Duckworth.

I'm in the Middle Ages for this week's investigation.

Ergh! Which isn't on the state of Middle Ages streets,

although maybe it should be.

No, this week I'm investigating the dodgy trade in religious relics.

Can I get some new shoes, please? These ones are caked in it.

I asked one victim of the trade, a Mr Ikbar Nethelbroth,

to tell us more about religious relics.

Well, they're religious objects which are meant to perform miracles.

I lost my leg to disease so I went to an abbey

where they were supposed to have some of the rocks used

to stone St Stephen to death.

I was told they would help my leg grow back.

-And did they?

-Well, what do you think?

SPLAT! Are you all right, mate?

Yes, many of these so-called religious relics are fakes

used by crooked monks to attract visitors

who will pay through the nose for their so-called miracles.

Argh! Can I get some wellington boots, please?

It's starting to seep in.

It's time for Dom to go deep under cover.

Wig-cam at the ready.

Hey, brother. Do you know where a bloke

can get hold of some religious relics?

Oh, yeah. No problem. You have SO come to the right place.

I've got one for every ailment.

What are you suffering from, me old mucker?

-Er, I've got a touch of toothache.

-I've got the perfect cure.

For a small donation, I'll let you rub one of St Apollonia's teeth,

as knocked out by the Romans before they burnt her alive.

That's a lot of teeth. Are you sure they're all hers?

Oh, yeah, 'course. She had a big gob on her.

You'll be telling me next this ain't really

the head of John the Baptist.

Given that Amiens Cathedral also claims to have his head,

someone must be lying.

I don't know what you're incinerating, mate.

None of these so-called religious relics

are the genuine article, mate. Argh!

Oh, look. Another St Apollonia tooth,

unless I'm very much mistaken.

Oh! Well, today I've learnt a lot about the Middle Ages.

I've learnt that Monks can be dotty and violent,

their religious relics are not all they're cracked up to be,

and you shouldn't walk along their streets without suitable footwear.

SPLAT!

Oh, really?

Nothing urgent. Just a check-up.

That's fine. Mr Saxon'll be here in a moment.

Saxon's an unusual name.

Oh, it's not his name. It's the era he's from.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, hello there, Mr...Tong.

-May I call you Peter?

-Yeah.

-So, just a check-up?

Yeah. It shouldn't take too long. I'm in pretty good shape.

Excellent. Well, open wide.

Argh! Argh! Oh, it's like a battlefield in there!

Oh, and what in Woden's name is that?

-Er, a filling.

-A what? Ergh!

There's another one there! What sort of thing is happening here?

Do you remember we talked about tooth decay, Mr Saxon?

People's teeth getting damaged by bad diet or poor oral hygiene?

I assumed you were joking. I mean, this is horrific!

-All right!

-We don't have this in the Saxon era.

Virtually everyone's teeth are great.

Everyone? No one had false teeth like that?

Argh! He has someone else's tooth in his mouth! He's a monster!

Save yourself, Mandy!

He's wonderful...

but he CAN get a bit shocked about the state of modern mouths.

Would you like me to continue the examination?

-I have been trained.

-Erm, yes please.

I'll just put this boiled holly leaf into the saucer of water.

Now, if you could just yawn for me.

Were you trained by Mr Saxon by any chance?

He's the best.

I'm going to go.

-OK. Goodbye, Mr Tong.

-Goodbye.

That's true. 100% accu-rat. Saxons had good teeth.

When archaeologists discover Saxon skeletons,

they often have lovely teeth.

Probably because there was a lot less sugar in Saxon diets.

There's plenty of sugar in my diet.

I just raided the bins outside the cake shop. Ha-ha!

Anyway, Saxon diets weren't ALWAYS so healthy.

Five eager chefs, five historical eras, but just one prize.

Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?

I once ate a chocolate as big as my head.

He did!

Starving Saxon, Eebert, comes from a village in Sussex

and he's preparing some traditional peasant dishes.

Fresh rolls. They look excellent.

-CRACK!

-Argh!

I think I've cracked a tooth!

These are rock hard, mate.

Thing is, our crops aren't ready until August

so food's in very short supply.

We've run out of flour, haven't we?

-Yeah.

-Shhh!

I've had to improvise, using

ground-up acorns, grasses, nettles and tree bark.

Hopefully your main course will be more edible.

That IS the main course.

It's all we've got, isn't it? Shh!

Sorry, there's no way you're going through to the next round with those.

No way on EARTH! What are you looking at?

Five minutes.

11 minutes.

Faced with being thrown out of the competition,

Eebert is having to rethink his miniscule menu.

Now that's what I call fresh meat!

Where did you get the chicken, mate?

Er, I swapped it with the Lord of the manor.

-For what?

-My son. The boy.

What? You can't swap your child for a chicken!

-That's terrible!

-I know, I feel awful.

I'm so ashamed. I mean, he's worth at least a goat, right?

Oh, well, guess we're stuck with it. Ouch! He pecked me! No!

No dramas, mate. Can we get a plaster here, please?

You don't understand. It's a well-known Saxon superstition.

You can't eat a chicken for three weeks after it pecks a human.

Oh well, looks like we're back to plan A.

-Anyone for a bread roll?

-Cheers, yeah.

-CRACK!

-Argh!

You literally never learn.

No...

Eebert, your starter, your main and your desserts

were tree bark rolls, which are inedible.

And, as if your food wasn't criminal enough,

you swapped your own son for a chicken

which may have been legal in Saxon times

but today certainly isn't.

Argh! Er, argh!

For that reason, I've phoned the authorities.

The next meal you will be tasting will be prison food.

They've got food?

Oh, well then, lock me up, mate! Lock me up!

-CRACK!

-Argh!

What is wrong with you, mate?

One of our famous Greek thinkers was called Socrates.

His sharp mind got him into trouble and he was sentenced to death.

Luckily, he had some very determined friends.

Halt! Who goes there?

No one, if you were to look the other way.

Are you trying to bribe a prison guard?

You insult my honour, you insult...yeah, all right.

This is the key to the cells.

And this is the key to the baths, should you want one.

My name's Cliff. Just give us a shout if you need anything.

(WHISPERING) He's in here. There he is.

Socrates, quick. Follow us!

-Why?

-We're rescuing you.

-Why?

-Because you've been sentenced to death.

-Why?

-Partly because you keep saying 'why', which is really annoying,

especially for people with little kids, cos they get it all the time.

Only by asking why can one get to the real truth.

It's the Socratic method. It's got my name on it.

That's also why they've condemned you to death,

They've accused you of corrupting Athens' youth

and disrespecting the Gods.

-Why?

-Not now, master! We're here to rescue you.

-I don't want to be rescued.

-Why?

-Don't you start.

Master, you must come with us,

for in the morning, you are to drink this poisonous hemlock.

Look, no real philosopher fears death.

If you rescue me people will still find me really annoying.

-I'll end up in prison again.

-He has got a point.

You may be the greatest philosopher who ever lived,

but you are SO annoying!

-Why?

-I think you've just answered that question.

-Why?

-Seriously, I've had it up to here with you.

-Why?

-Right, where's that hemlock?

I'm going to kill him myself.

-We're supposed to be rescuing him.

-Why? Argh!

THEY SCREAM HE GULPS HEMLOCK

Socrates really did refuse to be rescued.

He was nicknamed The Gadfly

because he would annoy people and not go away.

The best way to deal with gadflies, of course,

is to make gadfly soup.

Waiter, there's none of your flies in my soup!

And Socrates wasn't the only famous Greek thinker.

# Here we come, through the market square

# With our funny clothes and hair

# Aristotle and Socrates Plato and Diogenes

# Four fab scholars with our Greek philosophies

# Hey hey, we're the thinkers

# Wondering what life is for

# We're paid to try and think up

# The answer to that and more

# People found me irritating

# Thanks to my interrogating

# Like a toddler, was always asking why

# What is wisdom, what is beauty?

# What is nature, what is duty?

# Taught everything I know to this next guy

# I'm Plato, was his pupil thinker

# Ended up with inky fingers

# Writing every word he taught me down

# Also had my own the-ory

# Like for everything that we see

# There's a perfect version to be found, oooh!

# Hey hey, we're the thinkers

# Mega brainy Ancient Greeks

# We're always busy thinking

# Cos the truth is what we seek

# My name is Diogenes I'm not one to say thanks or please

# Hug statues and walk barefoot in the snow

# Never believed in possessions

# Thought they gave the wrong impression

# Put faith in total freedom, don't you know?

# I studied at Plato's academy

# Taught Alex the Great, I know everything, me

# Intrigued by the world, wanted to show it all

# I took all their theories higher

# Discovered water, ether, earth, air and fire

# Learned every science, I'm Mr Know-It-All

# Hey hey, we're the thinkers

# Very witty, very wise

# No one can hoodwink us

# We are Athens' brainiest guys

# Not everyone likes smarties, though

# Even Socrates had his foe

-# When tried for treason he simply said...

-Why?

# They sentenced him to drink Hemlock

-# He said...

-You know, if I take stock

# I am annoying, I'll take that and die

# Hey hey, we're the thinkers

# Politicians gave us strife

# But we don't give a tinkers

# Cos we taught them all of our lives

# Oooooh. #

Henry VIII famously married six times,

but his daughter, Elizabeth I, never got married at all.

Oh!

Another smallpox scar!

Just what I need when I'm looking for a suitor.

RINGING

Ah! Cecil, my loyal adviser. What does he want?

Your majesty, I bring tragic news. You should check your emails.

Amy Dudley, wife of Robert Dudley,

has been found dead at the bottom of her stairs.

Oh ho! Oh, that is absolutely...

..oh, awful. Awful news.

This isn't anything to do with your majesty, is it?

I know you are rather fond of Robert.

I don't know what you are talking about, Cecil.

Just as well. Dudley is not good enough for your majesty.

If the Tudor line is to continue, your majesty

is simply going to have to keep looking for a husband.

Oh, you're right, Cecil, as usual.

Right, let's see if there've been any views of my online dating profile.

I have rejected a few, haven't I?

-Indeed, Ma'am.

-COMPUTER: Ye got mail!

Ooh! Oh, yippee!

-I've got to go, Cec. Lots of love.

-But, er...

Your majesty, did you get my email?

I've built you a garden at Kenilworth.

-Yes, Robert, I love it. It's perfect.

-I'm so pleased!

Although, it is a little far to the left.

Could you move it over a bit?

Er, you want me to move the entire garden?

I only want you to move it a few feet.

-I'm hardly being unreasonable.

-Of course, Ma'am.

It's such a shame Cecil says I can't marry Robert.

He's such a sweetie. Right, who have we got?

No, no. Too French.

Sir Francis Drake. Oh, no. No, no, no.

That goatee, pu-lease. It's so 1558.

There must be somebody.

COMPUTER BUZZES

RINGING Oh, Walter Raleigh!

-Walter!

-Your majesty.

I do hope I'm not disturbing you.

No, I always have time for an eligible bachelor

such as your handsome self.

Well, funny you should say that

because I was just calling to inform your majesty

of my intentions to marry Bess Throckmorton.

What? Sling your hook! You're blocking my line!

Maybe Dudley will just have to do. Yuck!

PING! What? Again? To who?

Lettice Knollys!

Ergh! What on earth would have led Robert

to develop a taste for Lettice? SLAP!

RINGING

Any luck securing the Tudor lineage, your majesty?

No, Cecil and I'm just about ready to give up.

Hang on...

Robert Devereux. Ha-ha! I might have spoken too soon!

The Earl of Essex?

-And he's just emailed me!

-Oh, that's excellent news.

Wait a minute, this email is about a rebellion!

He's planning to overthrow me, Cecil!

And the fool has CC'd me in by accident.

Off with his head!

Let's not be too hasty.

You must find a husband

or the Tudor lineage is finished.

-The truth is, I am already married.

-Really, your majesty?

-To whom?

-To England.

Well said, Ma'am. And with that, I bid you adieu.

Oh, she's really lost it.

I'm still here, Cecil.

Erm, er, what I meant was, erm...

Elizabeth had Walter and his new wife, Bess,

imprisoned in the Tower of London.

Hi! I'm a shouty man, and I'm here to tell you about the new

Great Western Railway, the Victorian Transport Revolution.

Tired of the busy London life?

Always got your nose to the grindstone?

Then why not take a trip to the Great West Country

on one of the Great Western Railway's conveniently timetabled services.

We're moving! I haven't paid!

Oh, I thought it left at 1 o'clock!

Ah, yes, but do you mean 1 o'clock

London time, Swindon time, or Bristol time?

I'm confused.

It's perfectly complicated!

Towns along the route use slightly different time zones

so not everyone agrees what time it is.

TRAIN WHISTLES

Thanks to the completion of the groundbreaking Box railway tunnel

just outside Bath, you can now travel from loud London

to beautiful Bristol in just four hours!

And what a journey it is. You can take in the fresh, country air.

Agh! Soot in my eyes!

And take a comfort break in stunning Swindon.

There are no facilities on the train.

Where are the toilets, please?

Ladies down that end, gents down that end.

-On the platform?

-Good a place as any.

Though it can get a bit splashy.

Aargh!

And enjoy a bowl of fresh soup in our delightful cafe.

Train departs in one minute! >

Agh! This soup is too hot to drink quickly!

Which means lots of leftovers to go back in the pot for tomorrow.

This lot's been going round for weeks.

All aboard! >

All of which means you'll arrive in Bristol

relaxed, revived, and carefree.

-Good journey, sir?

-What do you think?

The Great Western Railway.

-It's not great!

-It is great. Ignore him.

It is, it is.

It's true. The time was not the same in every town in Britain until 1840.

And even after that, different towns had complicated clocks

with three or four hands to show different times in different places.

"What's the time?" Time to get a new clock, mate! Ha-ha!

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Yes, yes, all right!

All right, I'm coming.

-Yes?

-Postman, ma'am.

-Right.

-That's tuppence for the delivery, please.

Oh, right, fine.

-Charge it to my account.

-Will do. Have a nice...

day.

Honestly...

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Come on!

Postman, madam.

But you were just here.

More post, I'm afraid. Tuppence for the delivery, please.

Fine. Charge it to my account.

On the account, OK. Have a nice...day.

Cheek of the...

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

-I am going...

Why won't you leave me alone?

Well, that's the joy of the Victorian postal service, madam.

Up to 12 deliveries a day come rain or shine

and all for a reasonable charge.

Tuppence, yes, I know. Charge it to my account.

On the account, madam.

He is driving me...

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Right!

Tuppence! Account! Go!

-No charge, madam.

-No charge?

That's right. You see, we've just introduced a new penny post system

whereby the person posting the letter pays for the delivery in advance,

with these postage stamps,

which are a penny each.

So I no longer have to pay for letters I receive?

Precisely! And if you install a letter-sized flap

in your front door, I won't need to bother you at all.

All together a much less disruptive postal service,

I'm sure you'll agree.

Absolutely. Well, thank you.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

-You too. Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Well, I must say,

I've been very critical of the postal service in the past.

They seem to have sorted out their act.

Annual bill for postal charges on account.

How much??

You! Come back here!

Hello, and welcome to New Home Abroad,

the property programme that relocates couples

to a new life in a different country.

Today I'm with Vikings Sven and Olga,

who want to move from their house in Iceland to a new home in England.

So why do you want to move?

-Because it's very cold here.

-And our house is rubbish.

-Can we have a look at it?

-You ARE looking at it.

You live in a small hill.

Well, we've had it all hollowed out

and all of the grass and earth on top keeps us warm.

Come inside. We've got a fire.

THEY COUGH

Bit smoky, isn't it?

Yeah, there's a problem with the windows.

-What's that?

-There aren't any.

-Oh, what's that smell?

-That'll be the cow poo.

It makes very good fuel for fire. It does stink, though.

So to recap, inside your home it's dark, smelly, and smoky

and outside, it's freezing. I can see why you want to move!

And we've found you a dream home in sunny England.

-Oh!

-England?

-England!

So Sven and Olga pack up their axes and pillaging gear

and sail across the North Sea to their new home abroad.

Now this is Mike and Trudy,

a couple of humble English peasants.

How do you like their home?

-Where is all the smoke?

-There isn't any.

There's a hole in the roof.

-Oh!

-Oh, hole in roof!

And there is no foul stench.

-Not much of one.

-OK, we'll take it!

Great! Let's discuss the price.

Oh, no, no, no. We are Vikings. We'll just take it.

What are you doing, guys? Don't kill them!

-You're right.

-Perhaps we have been a little hasty.

After all, we're going to need a couple of slaves.

HE LAUGHS

Well, that's it this week from New Home Abroad.

Join us next week when Sven and Olga's friends

will be invading the whole of the north of England.

See you then.

Yeah, we Vikings liked it over in Britain and we were here to stay.

In fact, it wasn't long before

there were Vikings ruling England, like King Canute.

OK, shoot.

This movie will be based on the epic story of my life.

Canute, Danish King of England.

-Danish? Uh-oh!

-Subtitles.

-Not going to work.

-Won't work.

Couldn't you be the English King of Denmark?

No, I'm the Danish King of England

and of Denmark. And of Norway, actually.

Weren't you the guy who thought he could turn back the tide

-but ended up getting his feet wet?

-Here we go...

-Uh-oh! Soggy socks.

-I hate that!

How about instead of King Canute,

-King Dumb?

-Great title.

King Dumb and Queen Dumber. It's a sequel.

I wasn't dumb! I didn't believe I could turn back the tide.

I was making a point to my followers.

They thought that I was so powerful that even the seas obeyed me.

I was just proving to them that only God can command the tides.

-Ah!

-So everybody else was dumb? World of Dumb.

-Genius!

In a world where everyone was dumb, King Dumb was the dumbest.

-Jim Carrey.

-Jim Carrey!

-Agh!

No, this movie is about how one brave, wise,

reasonably attractive warrior united three kingdoms

with the power of his sword.

Everyone feared him.

The Warrior King who brought peace.

This summer, Canute the Great!

Canute the Great Big Idiot.

-Subtitle?

-King Dumb - Canute the Great Big Idiot.

King Dumb Canute The Great Big Idiot Tour. It's a franchise.

D'you know what? I'm going to take this somewhere else so...

-It's actually the other way.

-Laters!

-THUNK!

-Oh!

That guy's hilarious!

-He's comedy.

-Funny, funny guy.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts #

If you enjoyed that,

why not play the new ADBC Time Tour music game?

Go to the CBBC website,

and click on Horrible Histories.

Rock on!

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #